How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

What's Blue and not very heavy?

What's Blue and not very heavy?


Light Blue


(my kids hate that joke)

What is blue and not heavy?

Light blue

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

I made a pair of gloves out of clocks and watches, but they’re too heavy to wear.

I guess I’ve just got too much time on my hands.

It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

What you say when a heavy metal artist die?

Rust in peace

Karen walks into a heavy metal bar...

"Ow" Karen exclaimed,"that hurt"

This new colander I bought is really heavy!

I'd better put it down before I strain something.

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tr...

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

My new line of heavy duty adult diapers will be called pangaea pull-ups,

It's for the super-incontinent

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What do porn and heavy metal have in common?

Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's

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A couple from a conservative town are getting hot and heavy...

...and the guy asks the girl for a blowjob. The girl was lost, but not wanting to seem sexually inexperienced, decides to go for it. She lets him guide her head towards his crotch, at which point he stops, waiting for her. She's thinking hard and fast now, and in a moment of inspiration, begins to f...

A man was walking home past a cemetary in the middle of the night.

when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncin...

What did chest heavy policewoman say to her arrestee?

You are under a breast.

Hans, Is That You?

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.
In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his...

A priest and a homeless man are standing on the road in a heavy storm...

... Holding a sign that says "Turn Back, the end is Nigh!"

A car passes them, the driver yelling "Get off the road you lunatics!"

As it rounds the corner a loud crash is heard.

The homeless man then tells the priest "I told you we should've written 'Bridge out' you god damn idi...

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I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking.... scared the shit out of me.

So that's it, after today ... no more reading!

I just watched the World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship in Finland.

It was pretty knots!

Saw a group of Sikh men jamming out to heavy metal the other day

They were definitely Down With The Sikhness

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

A lumberjack went to a doctor complaining of back pain and can't carry heavy logs.

He was told he didn't have enough lumber support.

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

a man wakes up on a merchant ship after a night of heavy drinking

upon waking, he is greeted by the ship's captain, who offers him a hearty handshake and a loaf of bread.

The man quickly realizes he's been shanghaied and asks when and where he will be able to get back to shore.

the captain laughs and says, "well it's going to be a few months young ma...

Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

A gal walks into a bar and orders the largest beer they have.

"Sometimes I just need to drown my troubles," she tells the bartender with a heavy sigh. "But I can't convince my boyfriend to go swimming."

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Walmart installed a medical kiosk

For $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog cr...

Today I saw my friend in class listening to music, so I asked him what music it was.

He said he was listening to rap and asked what I was listening too. I looked him dead in the eye, put a paper clip in my ear and said heavy metal.

Why are Safety Goggles better protection than Sunglasses for heavy duty jobs?

Because Sunglasses only provide light resistance

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Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

Why was the restaurant server so heavy?

Because he is a weighter.

With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa

That's 400000000 Pa, and that's a lot of pressure.

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

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A blonde was at home getting dinner ready...

Her husband walks in and says,"Hi honey I'm home.By the way,there were these three blondes,right?And they were walking down the...

"Wait a minute,stop right there."she interrupts."This isn't another dumb blonde joke is it?"

He replies,"Well,yes it is.Anyhow,they were...

She aga...

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A girl and her potato

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.

Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.

Much to her surprise the guy ...

How heavy is a jedi saber?

I'm not sure, but I reckon that it's pretty light.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

Internet Explorer, Google Chrome and Safari walk into a bar. Google Chrome asks for a stiff drink. Safari asks for a heavy drink...

Internet Explorer asks for a frozen drink.

A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

I breathe heavy whenever I’m around woman’s underwear.

I guess that’s why they call them panties.

My mother's sister is on heavy duty medication for schizophrenia.

I call her Aunty Psychotic.

What do you call it when you drop something heavy on your toes?

Crushing da-feet.

How do you find out how heavy God is?

Yahweh him.

The endless hole

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how l...

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that also makes Christmas music?

They're called sleigh-er

I never realized British coins were so heavy

They can really add up to pounds.

The doctor said I can’t lift anything heavy for the next two weeks

I guess I gotta sit down to pee now

Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Falcon Heavy rocket.

I guess the real joke is in the comets.

What is heavy forward but not backward?

Ton

A Jewish and Russian soldier come under heavy fire...

As both engage the enemy the Jewish soldier is struck with a bullet and mortally wounded.

The Russian soldier continues to return fire and hold back the enemy, eventually however his ammo is spent.
He looks to his Jewish comrade and says “I cannot hold them back, I’m out of ammunition”...

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A heavy set guy was showering at the gym when a gym rat hollered 'Hey man, how long since you seen your dick'? hahaha. 'Why dont you diet'?

Replying...'why, what color is it now'?

Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage. Her breathing was hot and heavy.

She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body thrust, it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the wife gets up off ...

A new heavy metal Christian Rock band has started up.

They're called Nuns 'n' Moses

Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport??

Discus

I hate heavy metal.

I was walking down the street and passed these guys talking about heavy metal.

I walked by them and said under my breath, “God I hate heavy metal.”

One of them heard me and yelled back, “why do you gotta hate the best music ever?”

So I said, “because all these ingots in my bag ...

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My doctor told me "No heavy lifting."

Looks like I'll be sitting down to piss for a while.

I introduced a miner to some heavy metal.

The Miner really digs the music.

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I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

The Falcon Heavy is now the world’s most powerful rocket

The Falcon Heavy can put around 140,000 pounds of cargo into lower Earth orbit, more than twice as much weight as any other operational rocket. This powerful vehicle could open up entirely new types of business for SpaceX: launching heavy national security satellites or even sending large modules or...

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Man arrives home at 7 a.m, with a heavy stench of whisky.

Wife: You bastard! I hope you have a damn good reason for coming home at 7 in the morning.

Husband: Of course I do.

Wife: Do tell!

Husband: Breakfast.

I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do...

...so do the neighbors.

So SpaceX is launching the Falcon Heavy Today...

Too bad it isn't carrying the stock market.

I tried to be a gentleman by picking up something heavy for a lady

But she ended up getting mad at me in front of everyone at the gym

TIL listening to metal music can give you heavy metal poisoning

It's because of the lead singer.

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Three Guys With Heavy Brooklyn Accents Get Invited To A Costume Party.

The theme for this party is "Dress Like an Emotion." The first guy is wearing a pear costume. The second guy is wearing a dress. And the third guy is butt-naked except for a custard pie around his pecker.

They ring the doorbell. The host opens the door, sizes them up, and says "You guys aren'...

Yo mama's so heavy

Even the Falcon Heavy couldn't accept her as a payload.

Confessions Of A Heavy Thinker

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than a social thinker.

I began to think alone – “to relax,” I told myself – but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking bacme more and more i...

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already...

Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?

Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!

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