UPJOKE
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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

War. A battalion is under heavy enemy fire.

The commander gathers his soldiers and explains:

**Commander**: Listen men, we can't hold for long. We must retreat and come back with reinforcements. However, someone must stay behind and cover our backs. And whoever he is... our supply situation is bad. All we can give him is three grenades...

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems?

Megadebt

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

What is heavy forwards but not backwards?

A ton.

the heavy breather

phone rings woman picks up and hears someone breathing heavily in the other end, she ask who it is a voice says, if you can guess what I have in my hand you can have it, she answers if it fits in one hand you can f--ng keep it.

How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Can't decide if I want to steal some bikes or visit a heavy metal legend..

Either way I'm going to rob Halfords

Heavy Petting Zoo

Wife comes home to hearing disturbing squealing noises from the upstairs bedroom. She hesitates for a minute as her mind jumps to the very worst horrific possibility of her already shattered excuse of a marriage; then proceeds to venture up the stairs closer and closer to the sloppy wet splashing an...

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

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How heavy is a Jew

Chances are he Israelite

What vegetable can you add to a heavy pot of water to make it lighter?

Leeks!

Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?

Our helpline is open 24/7.

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Man arrives home at 7 a.m, with a heavy stench of whisky.

Wife: You bastard! I hope you have a damn good reason for coming home at 7 in the morning.

Husband: Of course I do.

Wife: Do tell!

Husband: Breakfast.

A strongman tries to lift a heavy bar and succeeds...

Everyone is absolutely astonished. "How strong are you!?" asks the bartender inside.

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Three Guys With Heavy Brooklyn Accents Get Invited To A Costume Party.

The theme for this party is "Dress Like an Emotion." The first guy is wearing a pear costume. The second guy is wearing a dress. And the third guy is butt-naked except for a custard pie around his pecker.

They ring the doorbell. The host opens the door, sizes them up, and says "You guys aren'...

A priest and a homeless man are standing on the road in a heavy storm...

... Holding a sign that says "Turn Back, the end is Nigh!"

A car passes them, the driver yelling "Get off the road you lunatics!"

As it rounds the corner a loud crash is heard.

The homeless man then tells the priest "I told you we should've written 'Bridge out' you god damn idi...

Did you hear about that new heavy metal themed sandwich shop?

It's called Pantera Bread

My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together she asked me if she should change anything in her life. I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better. At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.



After the first d...

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There's heavy knocking on the door

Father opens the door and a scruffy guy stands there leaning on the porch.
Guy: Hi, my name is Fortunado and i'm here for fucking your daughter.
Father: FOR WHAT?
Guy: Fortunado.

The Heavy Weight World Champion belt will no longer be fashioned to look like a large watch.

They realized it was just a huge waist of time.

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

Yo mamma so heavy...

it takes a Ukrainian tractor to pull her.

Is the aurora borealis heavy?

No, it's pretty light.

It is with a heavy heart that I want to announce

That I've been diagnosed with Cardiomegaly.

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A woman answers her house phone and hears a deep voice with heavy breathing say,

"have you got a tight, bald cunt?"

The woman answers, "hang on and I'll get him, he's on the couch watching TV."

Does heavy lifting make you dumb?

Yes
Cause counting to 10 has never been this hard before

Why does windmills like heavy metal?

Because they are a huge metal fan

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An Irishman at the bar. Heavy NPR listeners might have heard this one.

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see ...

How to get the husband hot and heavy

Two women are talking about their love life over coffee.

"I don't know what to do" groans Margie, "I'm too shy to ask for it, and he doesn't initiate enough!"

"Well," said her friend Sharon, "I have a surefire way to start up my husband."

"Oh?" asks Margie, "DO tell!"

"We...

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My poem about a heavy metal band's best album is being read on British radio

ABCB on ACDC's ace CD on BBC

What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band?

Sleigher

Did you guys hear about the hippie heavy metal cover band?

They release a song today called, “Enter the sand, *man*.”

in the 1980s they blamed heavy metal music for violent youth.

Now it's 2022 and their still blaming the doors.

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What do Jews do when there's a heavy storm?

Wait for it to Passover

Interviewer: any experience operating heavy machinery?

Candidate: does your mom count?

Two men are delivering a very heavy safe into an aparment building.

They were an old man and a young man. They both walk up with the heavy safe for one floor and then the second floor, completely out of breath they stop for a bit just to catch some air.

They do one more floor and are completely exhausted. The old man says,

"Look on the safe, it says it...

Heavy rain

A natural science professor goes to visit her friend, despite the thick downpour.

*buzzer* "Who's there?"

"Martha? It's me."

"Lucy?! *electric lock clacking* Come upstairs, quick, it's raining a lot!"

"Oh, Martha, you wouldn't belive it... It's raining outside too!"

So Jack Osborne sees 2 heavy set women talking.

He can hear they have a thick British accent. He walks over and asks politely are you 2 ladies from England. 1 of the women snapped at him and said it's Wales you idiot. Jack snaps back and says oh I'm sorry are you 2 whales from England?

Had an embarrassing moment earlier. Farted really loudly when I lifted something heavy....

Had to apologise to the guy at the next urinal.

My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain...

...he received a precipitation trophy

What president likes to clean heavy objects?

George Washington

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry

After a night of heavy drinking, when I woke up naked in my sister’s bed on New Year’s day, I feared the worst.

When my brother-in-law kissed me on the cheek, those fears were realized.

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

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I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

How heavy are photons?

They’re lightweight.

Did you know that the other wooden marionettes teased Pinocchio for being so heavy?

I guess he wasn't one of of the poplar kids.

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What do porn and heavy metal have in common?

Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's

I'm in a synagogue, and can't leave due to a heavy storm

I'll just wait for it to Passover

My friend says that heavy cream is pure fat.

My friend says that heavy cream is pure fat; to which I replied no, it’s whey more.

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NSFW: A woman answers the phone and there's heavy breathing on the line.

A pervy voice said "I bet you have a bald asshole" She says "Ah, you want to speak to my husband"

Unpopular opinion: frisbees aren’t heavy enough

Discus.

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During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.

The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?


The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one

I once told the family I like heavy metal

I got an iron anvil. Best gift ever.

How heavy is a hipster?

One thousand instagrams

My doctor told me I had to stop heavy drinking.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because there are no drinks allowed during checkups."

Why did the heavy boots go to Heaven?

Because they had good soles.

A guy walks into bar, orders a beer and lets out a heavy sigh.

"What's wrong, Bob?" the bartender asks. "Oh nothing really," Bob replies. "I guess I'm just not myself today." "Yes," the bartender agreed. "I noticed the improvement immediately."

Karen walks into a heavy metal bar...

"Ow" Karen exclaimed,"that hurt"

How heavy is the world's heaviest dumpling?

won ton

What is a heavy metal musician's favorite dessert?

Ice cream!

A heavy metal fan was diagnosed with coronavirus

He’s down with the sickness

I breathe heavy whenever I’m around woman’s underwear.

I guess that’s why they call them panties.

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev

from a company called You Crane.

Why was the soup from the Chinese restaurant so heavy?

It was ONE TON soup!

Two battleships were out at sea during heavy weather for several days...

The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.

Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."

"Is it steady or moving astern?" the captain called out.

Lo...

You might think the sun Is too heavy to carry,

but actually it's pretty light.

You need to put another stamp on this parcel as it’s to heavy

But another stamp will just make it heavyer

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