What is fast and not heavy?

Light

I'm thinking of creating a new heavy metal band.

Osmium should do it.

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

What's Blue and not very heavy?

What's Blue and not very heavy?


Light Blue


(my kids hate that joke)

I tried to dry myself after a heavy downpour

It was a few-towel effort.

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

What do you call a heavy nosebleed?

Noses parting the red sea

What do you call a chihuahua that plays heavy bass music?

A sub woofer.

My new line of heavy duty adult diapers will be called pangaea pull-ups,

It's for the super-incontinent

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tr...

It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One's pretty heavy, and the other one's a little lighter.

Instead of calling someone "dummy thicc" we should call them "hot and heavy"

(It's not much of a joke, but i cant figure out were else to post it, any help?)

A man and a woman are having their firstborn child

Several hours after the baby is delivered the doctor rushes out to the waiting room where the man is and says “SIR WE’VE DISCOVERED YOUR BABY CAN FLY!!! Come quickly!!” The man, astonished by this news, rushes with the doctor to the room where his wife and child are. The doctor picks the baby up and...

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What do porn and heavy metal have in common?

Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's

Karen walks into a heavy metal bar...

"Ow" Karen exclaimed,"that hurt"

What you say when a heavy metal artist die?

Rust in peace

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A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris...

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris when it encountered some heavy turbulence over the Atlantic. The captain has a decade of flying under his belt and manages to get through the turbulence without any major incidents.

He then switches on the intercom and says, “This is your captai...

This new colander I bought is really heavy!

I'd better put it down before I strain something.

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A couple from a conservative town are getting hot and heavy...

...and the guy asks the girl for a blowjob. The girl was lost, but not wanting to seem sexually inexperienced, decides to go for it. She lets him guide her head towards his crotch, at which point he stops, waiting for her. She's thinking hard and fast now, and in a moment of inspiration, begins to f...

A priest and a homeless man are standing on the road in a heavy storm...

... Holding a sign that says "Turn Back, the end is Nigh!"

A car passes them, the driver yelling "Get off the road you lunatics!"

As it rounds the corner a loud crash is heard.

The homeless man then tells the priest "I told you we should've written 'Bridge out' you god damn idi...

The Indian chief goes to the white man doctor and asks "Too many papoose! What do?"

The doc gives him a condom, and explains the principles.

A couple of months later, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"

So the doc cuts a few custom "rubbers" out of the fingers of a heavy duty latex glove, saying "Try these...

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

Hans, Is That You?

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI. In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his pl...

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An old man is stuck in the middle of a freezing blizard.

He is freezing, but not the least bit terrified. He has hope that he will be saved.

By now, they snow is at his ankles.

His hope comes along when he sees a dog sled. The driver of the sled says, "Need some help?"

"No," the old man says. "God will save me."

"If you say so...

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Takes place during the Great Depression.

A man and his wife were barely scraping by on their combined salaries, but they weren’t making enough to make ends meet. One night, they lay in bed hungry after skipping supper. Now the woman had an idea, but she didn’t think her husband would approve of it. She turned to the man and said,
“Why ...

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I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking.... scared the shit out of me.

So that's it, after today ... no more reading!

Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

I just watched the World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship in Finland.

It was pretty knots!

Saw a group of Sikh men jamming out to heavy metal the other day

They were definitely Down With The Sikhness

a man wakes up on a merchant ship after a night of heavy drinking

upon waking, he is greeted by the ship's captain, who offers him a hearty handshake and a loaf of bread.

The man quickly realizes he's been shanghaied and asks when and where he will be able to get back to shore.

the captain laughs and says, "well it's going to be a few months young ma...

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

A lumberjack went to a doctor complaining of back pain and can't carry heavy logs.

He was told he didn't have enough lumber support.

A man was walking home past a cemetary in the middle of the night.

when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncin...

What do you call two fat people having a conversation?

A heavy discussion

Dad saw his son coming out of the bar totally drunk

With heavy heart

Dad: My dear Son, do you really think this is good for you?

Son: No Dad, this place sucks, let's go to the other bar.

Two boys are taking a stroll through the woods, when they come across this well

They take a look down the well, and can't see the bottom. They want to know how long the drop is so one of them throws a pebble down there.

They wait a while......nothing.

They spot a good sized rock and toss it down the well next.

They wait a while.....still nothing.

The...

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

Why was the restaurant server so heavy?

Because he is a weighter.

An old Team Fortress 2 joke. Probably applicable to a few other team shooters, too.

The Heavy Weapons Guy woke up one morning to a bit of distress. His stomach was tied up in knots, forcing him into the bathroom for much of the day. After a few hours of this painful nonsense, he sought out the Medic for some professional advice.

"Ah," the Medic exclaimed in his exaggerated...

Why are Safety Goggles better protection than Sunglasses for heavy duty jobs?

Because Sunglasses only provide light resistance

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Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa

That's 400000000 Pa, and that's a lot of pressure.

How heavy is a jedi saber?

I'm not sure, but I reckon that it's pretty light.

Two windmills are out in a field...

...and one says to the other: "What kind of music do you listen to?"

The other replies: "I'm a big heavy metal fan."

I breathe heavy whenever I’m around woman’s underwear.

I guess that’s why they call them panties.

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A Lame Date

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.



Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.



Much to her s...

Internet Explorer, Google Chrome and Safari walk into a bar. Google Chrome asks for a stiff drink. Safari asks for a heavy drink...

Internet Explorer asks for a frozen drink.

My mother's sister is on heavy duty medication for schizophrenia.

I call her Aunty Psychotic.

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

How do you find out how heavy God is?

Yahweh him.

What do you call it when you drop something heavy on your toes?

Crushing da-feet.

A gal walks into a bar and orders the largest beer they have.

"Sometimes I just need to drown my troubles," she tells the bartender with a heavy sigh. "But I can't convince my boyfriend to go swimming."

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The Lion gives a royal decree...

In the jungle, the migthy Lion decided that he is too busy dealing with the affairs of the royal court, leaving him unable to hunt his own prey.
Due to this, he decided to give a royal decree, so that the animals in his kingdom must bring him 20 kilograms of raw meat every day. Any animal ...

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Walmart installed a medical kiosk

For $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog cr...

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that also makes Christmas music?

They're called sleigh-er

The doctor said I can’t lift anything heavy for the next two weeks

I guess I gotta sit down to pee now

Today I saw my friend in class listening to music, so I asked him what music it was.

He said he was listening to rap and asked what I was listening too. I looked him dead in the eye, put a paper clip in my ear and said heavy metal.

I never realized British coins were so heavy

They can really add up to pounds.

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A heavy set guy was showering at the gym when a gym rat hollered 'Hey man, how long since you seen your dick'? hahaha. 'Why dont you diet'?

Replying...'why, what color is it now'?

Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Falcon Heavy rocket.

I guess the real joke is in the comets.

The endless hole

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how l...

Heavy metal is a lot like jazz....

It's the lyrics you DON'T hear

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A blonde was at home getting dinner ready...

Her husband walks in and says,"Hi honey I'm home.By the way,there were these three blondes,right?And they were walking down the...

"Wait a minute,stop right there."she interrupts."This isn't another dumb blonde joke is it?"

He replies,"Well,yes it is.Anyhow,they were...

She aga...

What is heavy forward but not backward?

Ton

A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

A Jewish and Russian soldier come under heavy fire...

As both engage the enemy the Jewish soldier is struck with a bullet and mortally wounded.

The Russian soldier continues to return fire and hold back the enemy, eventually however his ammo is spent.
He looks to his Jewish comrade and says “I cannot hold them back, I’m out of ammunition”...

Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage. Her breathing was hot and heavy.

She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body thrust, it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the wife gets up off ...

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I used to have a hard time with drinking and operating heavy equipment...

but then I discovered viagra and now it's fine!

A new heavy metal Christian Rock band has started up.

They're called Nuns 'n' Moses

Can throwing a round heavy object as far as you can be classed as a sport??

Discus

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