In the mid-1950s, black and white were in harmony.

Unfortunately, that was only on the TV screen.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

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It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

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I realised today that as a straight male in my mid twenties, having been single for multiple years and surrounded myself with other men, I'd never taken the opportunity to take part in the tossing and rolling they did together behind closed doors. My older neighbor told me about it in 2nd grade and

I was fascinated by how far it broke from the concepts of "normalcy" I had been brought up with. He said they'd go for hours exploring with eachother, never leaving the room. Sometimes in middle school I'd walk by a class in the hall and hear a group of them grunting and huffing, occasionally lettin...

A plane lost engines mid flight, a woman stands up...

"Before we crash and die is there any man here that can make me feel like a real woman??"

A man stands up, takes off his shirt and throws it at her.

"Yeah! Wash this"

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So I watched Mid-Western US Porn

The guy was so nice when he asked to eat ass.

He spread her cheeks and said “Ope, just gonna sneak on in here.”

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What’s worse than getting caught mid-blowjob?

Being banned from every Dyson store in the country

The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens.

Unlike their children.

Today I was stopped mid-speech at my town's Dentists' conference

All I said was, "Ladies and Dentalmen, welcome!"

What do you call someone who dies on a plane mid-flight?

Carrion luggage.

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In the mid-1200s, the Arabs found that women would not become pregnant if a sheep intestine was placed around the penis during sex.

When the practice came to Europe, it was immediately discovered that the intestine should first be removed from the sheep.

Mid-life Crisis

A man in his 40's bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to rev her up.

As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no...

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

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A man and his beautiful blonde wife liked to sunbath in the nude. On a trip to the Caribbean, the man fell asleep in the hot mid-day sun...

... while his wife was out shopping. Hours later he woke up with a terribly painful sunburn on his privates. The hotel medical attendant recommended applying cold milk to his penis to prevent blistering.

His wife came home to find her husband sitting with his member soaking in a large saucer ...

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

Mid-wife for sale,

can deliver.

A mathematician is afraid of flying because of the risk of a terrorist bombing it in mid air. So he takes a bomb in his hand baggage

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

What size of airplane would little people ride?

Mid-Jet!

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

A young Jewish boy goes to a new school in a small American mid-west town

The teacher asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”
A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the father of our country.”
The teacher replies, “Well, that’s a very good answer, but that’s not quite the ans...

I have the ability to jump out of an aeroplane, mid-air and without a parachute.

Once.

A middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, and, predictably, buys a Ferrari.

A middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, and, predictably, buys a Ferrari. He goes for a drive, and decides he wants to see how fast he can get his new super car.

He drives out to the country, where he opens up the throttle. 100km/h. 150km/h. 200km/h! He is absolutely flying.

All of ...

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

Mid-afternoon snacking was not as detrimental to my dieting as I thought,

In the other hand though, the mid-snacking snacking . . .

Why was the African infant crying?

Mid-life crisis.

A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.

The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.

“What took you so long to answer?” he asked. “I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”

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Two guys in their mid-twenties sitting at the bar

I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar the other night.

One guy says to his buddy, "Man you look tired!"

His buddy says, "I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what t...

An Indian woman jumps up mid flight and shouts 'is there a doctor on the plane?'

A nice, serious guy approaches quickly and says 'i'm a doctor, what's the problem?'

She replies 'Would you like to meet my daughter?'

If I recall correctly, in the mid 1900s, Albert Einstein proposed a new theory on space,

and it was about time, too.

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The tallest hotel in the world was streaming a famous Pixar movie when they pulled the plug mid way.

They fucked Up on so many levels.

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In the mid-80s, there were 2 rich men who were constantly arguing over the purpose of the head on a man's penis.

One man insisted that it was for the pleasure of the man, and the other insisted that it was for the pleasure of the woman. Finally, they decided that they would fund research teams to settle the issue. The first team, from France, came back after 6 months and $600,000. the results of the study pro...

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

I wish i could go back to how it was in the mid 90s

Back when my president didn't mind people getting on their knees

Why didn't set theory become a branch of mathematics until the mid 1800's?

Before then, the only legal union was between man and woman.

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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

Why did the three year old African boy buy a red convertible?

He was having a midlife crisis.

A plane runs out of gas mid flight...

While flying over the mountains, a pilot realizes his plane doesn't have enough gas to make it to the nearest airport. The copilot goes to check on the parachutes, while the pilot explains the situation to the passengers- Abraham Lincoln, Bono, George bush and a little boy and girl. The copilot come...

A man is having a mid-life crisis...

and buys himself a brand new Corvette. He takes it on the highway and immediately gets it up to 100 MPH. Shortly after, he sees a cop in the mirror trying to catch up with him.
The man thinks "I've got a Corvette, there's no way a cop car can catch up to me" so he guns it.
With the cop car fa...

The concept of drilling for oil was ridiculous in the mid 19th century.

Now we just see it as groundbreaking.

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I'm an old guy, and I fuck at least 3 super hot girls in their mid 20's every week

I'm a student loan collector

College Student's Response to a Chemistry Mid Term Bonus Question.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, ...

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Once I was at a bar meeting a beautiful woman in her mid 40's.

Nice body, blonde hair, looking very good, definitely a milf.

We started talking, when she suddenly asked if I would want to have sex with mother and daughter in a trio.

After a moment of doubt, I said 'Yes!'

We left the bar, drove at her place.

She openend the door an...

What do you call an unvaccinated 3 year old having a temper tantrum?

A mid-life crisis.

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What do you call a Jewish man, mid ejaculation?

A Heblew.

A mid 30's guy is grocery shopping, and a 20 something blonde catches his eye.

She looks very familiar, but he can't remember where he met her. When they moved closer, she said to him, "Hi - I think you're the father of one of my children."

The guy freaks out. He says, "I've only cheated on my wife 3 times - in Vegas 5 years ago, in Orlando 4 years ago, and in Seattle ...

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Three guys were standing on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The first said: "You know, the wind currents here in New York are so strong that you could step off the edge of this building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current"

"You're crazy", said the second guy.

"You don't believe me?", said the first...

[Long] Rabbi Goldman, World Traveller, comes to a lovely island in the South Pacific.

It's a beautiful place, lush and vibrant, and it's home to a tribe called the Trids. Goldman makes a good impression on them, and they're a very welcoming people already, so it' s not long before they're having a nice cookout to welcome him.

While they're eating, Rabbi Goldman looks inland, a...

Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12...

....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu

Austria, mid-1950s

Once upon a time in an Austrian elementary school, the children were preparing for the school play. This year it was about classical musicians. The teacher asked some students who they'd like to portray in the production. Hans wanted to be Mozart, Johan wanted to be Beethoven, and Karl wanted to be...

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Richard's new job

Richard just got a new job on a small shipping vessel. He shows up for his first day and the first mate puts him to work loading crates onto the ship. He finishes a few hours later and they get underway. Richard is put to work and is kept busy all day. After dinner, he approaches the first mate and ...

Once upon a time in an old magical kingdom, there lived an young monk called Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral
singing. They trained, hours every day, refining
their voices and their art. Their song floated
down the mountainside, enriching the lives and
souls of the townspeople below

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th
birthday,...

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A man begins to have a mid-life crisis

One night while the man is having sex with his girlfriend he decides that he needs to mix things up. Without saying a word he decides to try anal sex. The man's girlfriend looks up at him with a scowl on her face, "that's a little presumptuous don't you think?" The man angrily replies, "well don't y...

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Skipping Grade School

A man in his mid-40’s was walking down the street on a school day and noticed a young boy, about 9 yrs old, sitting on a porch eating a huge bag of candy.

Concerned that boy was alone, out of school, and gorging himself on candy, the man approached an asked “Shouldn’t you be in school instea...

Four freshman partied too hard during a music festival and unable to make it back for their final exam the next day

As they drove back to the college, they tried to think of a good excuse. Finally, they agreed to the same story: a tire was blown in the middle of nowhere at mid night so they were stuck. They each sent the professor an email asking to retake the exam and gave the excuse. The understanding professor...

A man

A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend's family. They spend the early part of the evening talking, getting to know each other, and just generally having a good time.

After about an hour in however suddenly the father stops mid conversation, puts on some sneakers, and dashes around the...

The Biology Exam.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) I...

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

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There was a really unlucky man called Bob...

He was so unlucky that he was born with only one testicle!

One day, he decided to buy a plane ticket and go visit his aunt and uncle. He boarded the plane and started to watch the view.

Mid-flight, they went through a horrible turbulance and the captain came out to announce that one o...

Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."

They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"

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Did you hear the one about the guy who died watching porn?

Cardiac Arrest Mid-Stroke

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Anakin, obiwan and yoda are sitting round a table playing poker

They’ve played a number of rounds until Anakin has built up quite a big pile of chips

Suddenly his face lights up as he sees he’s got a nearly unbeatable hand.

Feeling lucky he force pushes all of his chips to the centre of the table

Obi wan: don’t try it

Anakin: I’m goin...

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

My friends found a cool racing game.

Recently my friends and I found an interesting new game, it’s sort of like a mix of an MMORPG and a racing game. You play as a car and you level up and get cool new gear and it makes you better and also looks cooler.

Anyway, we played this game for quite a while, slowly improving and getting ...

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My cousin has a speech impediment...

Even though he is in his mid twenties and has had speech therapy he still gets his R’s and W’s mixed up some what frequently.

Yesterday we were at my best friend’s house so I could introduce them, since they both have been great people in my life. About an hour into our hang out session my ...

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat besides an old man.

Mid-flight, the professor decides to humiliate the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”

The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking...

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The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

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Substitute English teacher

An English class for slower students was going through the dictionary as a months-long project, and is hoping to finish “S” soon.

One day the teacher, Mrs Smith, was about to move on to the next page. “Okay, the first word for today is s-“
She stopped mid sentence, froze up with her eyes...

The anti-vaxx couple could not understand why their 2-year old was crying

Everyone cries when they go through a mid-life crisis, duh.

A nun goes out to play golf (long)

A nun steps into a confession booth and asks the priest to forgive her for she has taken the lords name in vein. The priest say what happened sister?

She explains that she was out playing golf and hit a beautiful drive right into the center of the fairway.

The priest says "Golf can ge...

A bald man walks into a bar...

He approaches the barkeeper and tells him

"I have something in my pocket that I will show you. If you swear you've never seen anything like it before, I'll have free drinks all night"

The barkeeper, in his mid fifties, who has clearly seen a lot in his life, agrees with a nod.

T...

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Paddy is plowing his field with a steamroller.

Seamus comes up to him and says "Paddy, you don't plow a field with a steamroller you stupid bastard".

Paddy stops mid-field, looking at Seamus in disbelief.

Finally, Paddy says: "I'm growing mashed potatoes, you thick cunt".

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The single girl

A short joke, but one of my favorites.

A girl in her mid twenties goes to the supermarket. When she is done with her shopping, she begins walking towards the checkout (as you do).
At the checkout sits a guy, around her age. Short brown hair, brown eyes, a cute smile. Well, kind of an att...

What's the worst part about being an anti-Vaxxer parent?

Having to deal with the terrible twos and the mid life crisis at the same time.

The Puppy

A little boy and his father were driving down the road one day when the little boy saw two dogs mating. He asked his father what they were doing the father replied “They are making a puppy.”
A few days later, the little boy walked in on his parents mid-missionary. He once again asked his dad what...

Businessman

There was a businessman who was sure that his wife was cheating on him, so he put her under surveillance. One day at work, he got a call that told him to rush home quickly and he would be able to catch her in the act. So he rushed home to his 20th floor hi-rise apartment and burst into the room. His...

I was staying in a hotel last night. I phoned down to reception. “Hi, this is room 26 Can I have a wake up call , please?”

She said “Yes, You’re in your mid 30s, single , live with your mother and have achieved nothing in life !"

It’s been 10 years since I quit bitting my nails.

Once I hit my mid twenties I was no longer flexible enough to reach my toes.

Why was the new born baby crying in his anti vax mom hands

He was having a mid life crisis

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

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