UPJOKE
meantimein the meantimeearlierrecentlyreportedlyalreadyalsooveraheadrepeatedlyinterimlagintervalinterregnumtuesday

Meanwhile Jokes

The wage gap isn't real.

Men simply focus on getting the higher paying jobs like scientist, doctor, engineer. Meanwhile, women tend to go towards the lower paying jobs, like female scientist, female doctor and female engineer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meanwhile in the hotel lobby

A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled, and he says,

\- "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as...

Meanwhile in the restroom

I was in Walmart using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said,

\- “Hi! How are you?”

Embarrassed... I said,

\- “I’m all right!!"

The voice said,

\- "So what are you up to?”

I said,

\- “Ummm... Just trying...

MEANWHILE, an elderly couple.

WIFE: I’ve just come from the beauty salon.

HUSBAND: Were they closed?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meanwhile at the airport...

Jimmy and Jason are both workers at the Atlanta airport, typically working outside to re-fuel the planes after they land. One day, a very thick fog rolls in grounding all of the planes. Jimmy and Jason are bored out of their minds with nothing to do.

"I'm really bored," says Jimmy. "I wish...

Meanwhile in business news...

...balloon prices are plummeting. Experts are putting it down to a poor inflation rate

Meanwhile, at the sandbox ...

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox together. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his Mother to always be polite and don’t talk about private matters in public.


At first he holds it in for a little while because he doesn’t know what to say to the litt...

Meanwhile, in Pennsylvania

Q. What goes "Clip, Clop, Clip, Clop, BANG!! ClipClopClipClopClipClopClipClop"

A. An Amish drive-by shooting

Meanwhile at the Sperm Donor Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are...

Meanwhile somewhere...

A terrorist blows up his own house, after the Government issued a \*Work From Home\* advisory to it's citizens.

North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meanwhile in Heaven's pub

Angel:8
.
.
.

God:9
.
.
.

Angel: we shouldn't do this while drunk
.
.
.

God: pfft, 10
.
.
.

Angel: 30
.
.
.

God:50!
.
.
.

Angel: okay..56?
.
.
.

God: haha fuck you! 100!.
.
.
.<...

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

Misunderstanding

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me ...

Meanwhile at the ATM

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.


Confused, I asked him what he was doing?


He was just checking his balance.

Meanwhile at Walmart....

As I shopped, the following announcement came over the store's PA system...


"If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining... Towels are located in aisle five."

Meanwhile in Philippines

Meanwhile in Philippines, a local barber in my area got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his costumer for years, I didn't know he was a barber.

Meanwhile at a catholic church...

“We pray you Saint Anne...”

The devil appears: “Oh, it’s you guys again. For Pete’s sake stop calling me if you don’t mean it and at least pronounce my name right.”

(Made this up myself, still giggling...)

Meanwhile, at the Zoo...

... a gorilla is reading. He's holding a Bible in one hand and a book on evolution in the other.



**What are you doing, gorilla?**



"I'm trying to decide if I am my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother".

Meanwhile at the Dentist

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

Meanwhile at the bar

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"


"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the STD clinic."

Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.

"Name ?", said Jesus.

"Joseph."

"Occupation?"

"Carpenter."

Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"

"Yes."

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"

"Yes!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

Meanwhile at an ISIS training camp

A bunch of prospective terrorists gathered for their final training lesson before going into the field.

Their instructor said, “Now, watch closely, children. I can only show you how to do this once.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly hovers above a lake.

A fly hovers six inches above a lake. A fish, just underneath the surface, thinks "If that fly drops six inches, I can jump up and eat the fly."

Meanwhile, a nearby bear thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, and I can eat the fish."

Meanwhile, a hunter in the...

Meanwhile in Italia...

Late on Friday afternoon the foreman tells Enrico that he is going to have to work late. So Enrico asks his friend, Gondolfo, to stop at the house and tell his wife, Lucia.

Gondolfo knocks on the door and Lucia opens it. ”Your old man is not coming home till late,” says Gondolfo. ”How about w...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

A pie in Barbados costs $3, meanwhile a pie in Haiti costs £5

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A single sperm contains 37.5MB of DNA

Meanwhile ejaculation is equivalent to a data transfer of roughly 1,587.5TB. Now, that's a lot of information to swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pig and a donkey are standing out in a farm's field.

The pig tells the donkey: "Man, you sure have a crappy life. They take you out in the morning, have you drag carts, turn millstones, pull the plough, and after dark they feed you a nothing but hay. Meanwhile I'm just eating, sleeping and rolling around in the mud all day long, I sure am lucky not to...

There were two neighbours named George and Ted, and they both grew vegetable gardens. George's garden was growing beautifully, the tomatoes best of all. Meanwhile, Ted's garden was growing horribly, the tomatoes worst of all.

One day, Ted asked George, "How do I make my tomatoes ripen?"

"Maybe you should try doing what I did," said George. "You may remember that a few weeks ago, my tomatoes were just as bad as yours. Then I remembered reading somewhere that all tomatoes were female, so I came up with a plan to rip...

I think my wife loves yoga more than she loves me.

When I want her to do something, she'll only do it if it fits into her schedule. Meanwhile, she'll bend over backwards for yoga

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.

Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...

Mea...

Who is Jack Schitt? (Long)

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun

the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

the barber then te...

Three old brothers that are 94, 96, and 98 live together.

One day, the oldest brother decides to take a bath, so he fills up the tub. He put one foot in, then stops. He yells down the stairs “Was I getting in or out of the bath”.

The 96 year old yells back “I’m not sure, I’ll come up and see”. He takes one step up the stairs, stops, and yells “Was I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meanwhile, in an alternate universe where the Nazi's empire reaches to all four corners of the universe...

They've become a Reichtangle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The couple was watching television at night.

The husband says, "Can I know why you've been sulking since I arrived?" And, angrily, the wife responds, "Today we celebrate 25 years of marriage, and here we are, standing in front of this television."

"MY GOD! I was so busy that I completely forgot! Forgive me, my dear. Go put on your...

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City. He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

"Wh-what are you doing?!" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "I specifically booked this seat! Why aren't you sitting in your seat?!"

The blonde woman replied, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I'm sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City."

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blo...

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"

So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!"

Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.

The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the sma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Major and a Priest wake up...

A Major and a Priest wake up hungover and butt naked in a bush. After getting up, a group of people walk past them. The Priest quckly coveres his private parts with his hands. Meanwhile, the Major only covers his face. After the people are gone, the priest is upset and asks the major why he didn't c...

Truck wreck

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

The secret to ice fishing

A man gets an opportunity to go ice fishing for the very first time. He gets to the river, drills the hole, drops in his line… and has no luck. Meanwhile, another guy a little ways upstream is catching fish after fish.

“Hey, what’s your secret?” asks the first man.

The second man wave...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Groomsman said to the Groom on his wedding day…

“You look so happy and contented, what’s your secret?”

To which the Groom replied; “Of course I’m happy and contented, I just got the best blowjob of my life!”

Meanwhile, the Bridesmaid said to the Bride;

“You looks so happy and contented, what’s your secret?”

To which th...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.