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By Jokes

A man who likes a drink...

A man who liked a drink was warned by his long-suffering wife that if he comes home drunk one more time she will leave him.

The next evening he is out with his colleagues after work, drinks way too much and is sick all down his jacket.

He explains that his wife is likely to leave him w...

As the man made his way to his seat at the World Cup Final, he couldn't help but feel excited.

But as he sat down by the pitch, he noticed the seat next to him was empty. "What a waste," he thought to himself. "Who would have a seat like this and not use it?"

Curiosity getting the best of him, he leaned over to his neighbour and asked if someone would be sitting there. "No," the nei...

A bear walks into a bar

A bear walks into a bar and sits by the counter, waiting for the bartender to attend to him.

Bartender asks. "What would you like to drink?"

The bear replies, " A whiskey and...."

The bartender raises an eyebrow.

The bear continues after a thought. "... And a coke"
<...

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A young couple held hands and walked along a beach a sunset

A young couple held hands and walked along a beach a sunset. At dusk, a craft descended from the heavens and hovered in place thirty feet above their heads. Suddenly, they found themselves transported to the interior of the craft where two beings stood in front of them.

They had the app...

I find it really hard to tell my friends what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...

Jesus quest

When Jesus dies, he arrives in heaven and decides to pay a visit to his adoptive father, Joseph.

He looks around for a bit and then finds a carpenter in a corner, working on a piece of wood all alone.

He approaches, but he's not sure if he recognizes him, so to make sure it's him, he...

What do you call it when a meat and cheese caterer does a drive by?

Car shootery

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A country drive

A cultured Manhattanite goes on a weekend motor excursion into the countryside. He spies a sign nailed to a tree: "APPLES $25 A BUSHEL".

Shocked by this exorbitant price he decides to investigate.

Farmer: "Why, these here are peanut butter and jelly apples. Taste just like peanut but...

I’ve seen a few jokes about dwarfs recently and I’m sick of it.

My girlfriend has dwarfism, and is kinder and works harder than anyone I know. She deserves respect and shouldn’t be treated so poorly by you lot.

In fact, to make it up to her I’m going to make her a lovely meal, pour her a glass of wine, and run her a nice hot sink.

A pharmacist shows up to work one day

and he sees a guy standing by an endcap, holding onto it, and looks in pretty bad shape. Just then the stock boy comes by so the pharmacist asks him what's with the guy. Stock boy says that he came in for a cough but he didn't know where the cough medicine was so he gave him laxative. The pharmacist...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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I was in the queue buying dog food when this woman asks me if I have a dog

I thought "well isn't it obvious?" but decided to string her along

"No. I'm actually back on the dog food diet. These snacks contain all the vitamins, proteins, minerals, folic acid, that you need to survive. Plus they're small so they fit in your pocket for whenever you're hungry. I lost 50 ...

Phones

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the w...

The Doctor and the Rich Man

An immigrant doctor decided to start his own clinic one day.
He put a sign in front of it that says if he can't cure your illness, he'll give you 100 dollars. If he can, you have to pay 20 dollars.
A young rich man passes by, sees the sign, and thinks it's a good opportunity to earn 100 bu...

What is 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

Yo Momma is so fat…

When she walked by the TV we missed the whole triology of LOTR.

I was walking down the street today and got hit by a violin and then a clarinet, and then a French horn…

I was walking down the street today and got hit by a violin and then a clarinet, and then a French horn.

I believe it was orchestrated!

The Invasion of Normandy

It was a tough morning on the Omaha beach, and the landing of the Allied troops was not going well. The beach was riddled with obstacles and mines, and the German gunfire was relentless.

Suddenly, the Allied men notice a man emerging from the waters. “I can help you”, he declares in deep voic...

The Divorce Settlement

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background musi...

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

Two old drunks

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about for...

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A Joke for Indigenous Peoples' Day

Once there was a native american named Lakota. All his tribe had normal teepees shaped like cones. But Lakota, repeatedly trying as he might could not make a normal teepee. Instead his teepee was very strange and shaped like a cube.

One day he went to an elder and asked, "why no matter how ha...

It was to be the biggest scientific press conference of the decade.

Geneticist Rick Hallorann spoke to the crowds of reporters, camera flashes illuminating his face.

"The time has finally come for the first human cloning experiment to be performed," he began. "The technology for us to clone humans has been around since the eighties - but only now, after plent...

Interesting fact about Mahatma Gandhi

If you've ever seen the film about Gandhi, you know that he was famous for walking everywhere. But what they don't show in the film is that he was able to do this because he'd built up enormous callouses on his feet. And even though his body was very frail, his Hindu faith and devotion to meditation...

Three weddings were occurring the same hotel one weekend.

After the ceremonies and wedding meals, all three grooms happened to be at the bar at the same time and they got talking about how they were looking forward to their wedding nights.

The first groom said "Hey we should let each other know how we got on. How about, at breakfast, the number of ...

Cruise ship drive by

I was on a cruise recently.

One morning, the ship was passing very close to a small island. As I was admiring the serenity of this far off place, a ruckus occurred.

On the island, a man came running out from the thickness of the brush. His hair was down to his waist and his beard...

I was in the “cheap seats” at the Rodeo and I began to heckle the people in front because they were getting splashed by mud…

…boy, did I get some dirty looks.

The Jewelry Store

An older man walked into a jewelry store with a young woman. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, “No, I'd like to see something more special.”

The jeweler went to hi...

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Husband and wife

Her: Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

Him: "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill...

Three engineers are arguing what type of engineer God is

The first says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Look at how we manipulate our arms, legs, lungs, and how blood flows through our bodies. God is a mechanical engineer."

The second says, "No. God is an electrical engineer. Our nervous system, heart, brain. Everything is run by electrical impulse...

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Comrade Nichiporuk is interrogated by the KGB

An oldie but a goodie:


So, an old peasant named Mykola Nichiporuk is summoned to the KGB. The KGB officer in charge of his interrogation asks, "Comrade Nichiporuk, we have received information that you are receiving money orders from Israel. Why is that?"

Mykola explains, "Well, du...

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Joe Bamboozle knows everybody (long)

Ed and his friend Joe Bamboozle were walking along. They're passing by the signs for the big Taylor Swift concert.

Ed says that he would have loved to get a ticket to the show, but the very worst seat was way out of his price range.

Joe Bamboozle said "Oh, hey, no problem. I know Tay...

Ear to the ground

The older cowboy turns to the younger one and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground, he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down...

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An accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening:

"Dear Wife,

You have been a wonderful companion to me all these years. I can't believe that both of us are already 60! Time sure has flown by!

However, I am writing this letter to share something that has been bothering me for a while. I have a few needs that you have been unable to sa...

A drunk falls into a hole

He sees a young man walking by, and he calls him over.

"Oy! Laddie! Can you help me get out of here?"

"Who are you?"

"Pastor Jones, from the local Parrish, now help me out, boy!"

"Why are you here?"

"I fell in while taking my afternoon constitutional."

"What...

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Fun fact: you can never find a guy who has sex with fruit by himself

Because they always come in pairs

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.

The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
...

There was a ventriloquist traveling in the countryside

He performed at county fairs and would go from town to town in his old van. One day while in the middle of nowhere, his car broke down miles away from the nearest town. He started walking to the town to see if he could get help with his car.

Along the road came a farmer riding a buggy pulled...

What do you call a Frenchman who has been attacked by a bear?

Claude.

Stop letting yourself be bothered by cancer jokes.

Eventually they just grow on you.

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Newton died a virgin! Today, I have one upped him

by being alive

Divorce Judgement

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation o...

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DIARY of a POMMIE EXPAT in AUSTRALIA

August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally...

There once was a man who killed five people with a train.

He was caught and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

When asked what his last meal was, he asked for a banana.

When they flicked the switch, nothing happened.

They believed that the man survived by god and then let him go.

The man then went on to kill six more peop...

Lenin in Poland

An artist is commissioned by the USSR to make a painting commemorating relations between the Soviet Union and Poland, to be titled "Lenin in Poland." A large ceremony is held at the Kremlin for its unveiling. When the painting is revealed, the guests gasp — the painting shows Lenin's wife in bed wit...

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A billionaire hires a painter of murals to come to his mansion…

…when he gets there, he calls the painter in into a large room and shows him a plain white wall that’s 20 feet high and 50 feet across. He says to the guy, “I’ve always been fascinated by General Custer so on this wall I want you paint your interpretation of Custer’s last stand. I’m going out of tow...

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A guy driving down the road..

A guy is driving down the road one day and sees a sign that says LOSE ALL YOUR WEIGHT TODAY. Intrigued he stops and goes in.at the desk is a well dressed man and our traveler asks the gentlemen how it works.he is told for every pound he wants to lose he pays a dollar.as he weighs over four hundred p...

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A young man goes to see his doctor…

The doctor greets him, noticing the look of concern on his patient’s face. He then asks what brings the young man in today. “Doc, I don’t know what to do. I’m experiencing very strange farts and I’m getting freaked out by it. I need your help,” the man says. The doctor reassures him and begins to ex...

Sheeps

3 sheep farmers, an Australian and a New Zealander and a Welshman are in a bar having a drink and chatting.

The Welshman asks the other two in what position they have relations with their sheep if needs become desperate.

The Kiwi says "Well, I'll grab a sheep by the back legs like a wh...

War. A battalion is under heavy enemy fire.

The commander gathers his soldiers and explains:

**Commander**: Listen men, we can't hold for long. We must retreat and come back with reinforcements. However, someone must stay behind and cover our backs. And whoever he is... our supply situation is bad. All we can give him is three grenades...

Choking Lady

Two hillbillies walked into a local restaurant as they had decided to stop by for a bite to eat. While they dined, they talked about their moonshine operation.

All of a sudden, one woman sitting next to them (she had been eating a sandwich just right across their table) begun to cough. After ...

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Nobel Prize winner is dying (long)

A Nobel Prize winning professor is on his deathbed, losing and regaining consciousness every few minutes. Apart from his immediate family, all his graduate students are around as well.

The professor regains consciousness and looks at the bookshelf near him… He goes: “What are these books?”...

A man gets pulled over by a police car....

"Excuse me sir, we've been searching for a sheep molester in the area. We'd like to ask you a few questions, and there's a reward being offered"

The man thinks for a second, "Okay sure, it's not my thing but I'll do it"

A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop..

A Husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 10 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
Soon, the bus arrives, but it is overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a whil...

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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the very first time.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

“Can you please tell me the primary weapon used by ninjas?”

“Shuriken”

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A priest takes the bus

After a while, a drunkard sits next to him. The drunkard pulls out a newspaper, starts to read and turns to the priest.


Drunkard: "Excuse me father. What's spondylosis ?"

Priest: "Spondylosis is a disease caused by a messy lifestyle, the company of women with a questionable past, c...

Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

**Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.**

Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.

There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled mi...

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My dad fought in the war and killed people by shooting them in the belly button.

He was an expert in navel warfare.

A few years ago I was studying abroad...

...in Egypt. I was attending a beautiful university in the capital city, having a wonderful time.

One day I had a pretty important test to take, and I stayed up way too late cramming for it. I slept terribly and woke up with a crick in my neck and pain all throughout my back and shoulders. <...

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A man was walking along a street, and happened to notice a sex shop.

'We have something for everyone!', the sign read.

His curiosity piqued, he walked in. The shopkeeper greeted the man, and offered a variety of toys. The man said, 'I am married, but you know, we don't really do it frequently'.

The shopkeeper said, 'I have just the thing for you.'
...

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A scary movie

I was watching a movie with my son the other day.

He got scared and asked me: “mummy? Is that lady going to die?”

I said: “judging by the size of that horse’s cock, yes.”

A wealthy man walks into a bar...

*I've seen a joke here about a man with* ***a head the size of an orange*** *which is an absurdist response to an old dirty joke. I'm not sure everyone knows the original. I'll put the anti-joke version in the comments.*

\--------------

A wealthy man walks into a bar. He is clearly ric...

A politician visits a small tribal community

At a town hall meeting, the politician confidently proclaims, "I promise to lower food prices for everyone!" Without missing a beat, the chief shouts, "Oompa!" and the crowd erupts in applause.

Feeling emboldened, the politician continues, "I assure you, affordable healthcare for all!" ...

A music teacher

A music teacher is being questioned by the police about his connection to a series of murders in the area. Eventually, they decide that he is the murderer they’ve been looking for. They ask the man, while handcuffing him, if there is anything he would like to say. He gestures with his head to a post...

A dad told his 15 year old son that he would buy him a car…

…in 6 months on his 16th birthday if he (the son) got a job, made all “A’s” in school, started going to church every week and cut his hair. The son agreed to do all four things.

Six months go by and the dad told his son, “Son, you got a job, you are going to church every Sunday and are making...

A Comedian Runs Out Of Jokes.

A desperate comedian is pacing outside a pub, tearing his hair out with worry.

A homeless man, sat in a puddle, looks on and asks the man what's wrong?

The comedian tells him hes ran out of jokes, and he's due to go and perform in two minutes. If he uses other people's jokes he'll be...

My wife's a practical joker.

I took her to a party hosted by my new boss. Nobody had met her yet. My boss comes over and says it's nice to meet your wife. She looks at me and says," you're married?"

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. [NSFW]

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. [NSFW]

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on hi...

My 6th grade teacher, Miss Parkman, told me I'd never make it as a writer and said to find a career that wasn't so challenging. Well, 30 years later, after being turned down by almost every publisher on the planet, I'm thrilled to be able to announce that ...

... I heard Miss Parkman died.

A stunning young lady is at a bar when...

A stunning young lady is at a bar when she is approached by a middle-aged elegantly-dressed man:

The man: "What an astounding beauty! I don't want to be rude, but... Would you consider passing the night with me for... let's say... one million Dollars?"

The girl: "Ooh! Well... for one m...

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Irish Toast

An oldie but a goodie

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toa...

Joe……….

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.

He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.

When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts.

After lunch, the woman invites hi...

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar filled with $10 bills. He asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender explains,

"We have a challenge here. If you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar."
Intrigued, the man asks what the tasks are.
The bartender says, "First, you have to drink an entire gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth, and you h...

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Grandpa can't be stand to be near fireworks because of his PTSD from the war...

One day I asked him about what happened and he let out a sigh and sat me down.

"It was 1951 in Korea, memorial day. I was stationed North of the parallel and it felt like today could finally be the one day we could relax and take a break from the war.

"The platoon spent the whole day ...

Psychiatrist…..

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. ...

This park ranger is doing his rounds in the woods

When he stumbles upon a guy sitting by a fire, his rifle leaning against a tree, roasting a bald eagle. The ranger immediately arrests the guy and drag him to his cruiser. Eventually the case goes to court, the judge is outraged and asks if he has anything to say for himself before going to jail. Th...

A man was driving in a very rural area.

Suddenly he saw a sign, "St Mary's Convent and Brothel, All Welcome, 10 miles."

He was very surprised, and when he saw the St Mary sign, he turned of and stopped in the parking lot.

He knocked on the door, and an elderly nun opened it. He said, "I am here for the brothel." The nun jus...

At a girls' boarding school, a WW2 flying ace has been invited to give the Prize Day address

"I was flying along in my Spitfire, and visibility was poor, but all of a sudden the fog lifted, and I saw these fokkers coming up behind me. I dived on them and shot two of the fokkers down, then did a quick roll, but there was a little fokker right on my tail, and I had to ..."

At this poi...

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A man's life quest.

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a st...

A prisoner escaped by putting a paper towel over his face and walking out of jail.

There’s a Bounty on his head.

John's car broke down in the middle of a quiet road at night.

He decided to hitchhike.

After waiting for a while, a car stopped next to him. He jumped aboard. The speed of the car was slow and steady.

Suddenly John noticed to his shock that the driver's seat was empty. No one was driving the car. John was not frightened by the speed of the car,...

[Long] Rupert the dog

A woman is in a pet shop looking for a protector for her home. She sees a variety of animals from talking birds, to pitbulls and even exotic cats. Being well off, she decides to ask the shopkeep what the best available was.

“Ah! Yes you must be interested in Rupert!” the shopkeep says excite...

I was invited to go bungee jumping

My friends said it would be a really great time

I declined

Disappointed, my friends asked me why

I simply stated that "I was brought into this world by a broken rubber and I'll be damned if I get taken out by one."

So a guy finally got back his stolen Honda Prelude .... but the thief tried to turn it into a sedan... a 4 door Prelude.

His wife walks by the garage a couple days later, him and his brother have all 4 doors off, husband is trying to weld off the extra hinges.

She asks the brother, "Why is he putting all this work into it?"

The brother replies, "He's trying to recoup his loss".

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A new teacher is assigned to teach geography class in school.

When she enters the classroom, she's horrified by what she sees. The kids are fighting, cursing, throwing chairs, drinking, and smoking.

"Hello class" she says.

"Fuck off, bitch!" the kids shout back.

Crying, the new teacher runs to the principal's office.

The principal...

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A Visit to the Tailor (Slightly NSFW)

A man starts getting chronic headaches and his testicles swell and become very sensitive. The doctor informs him that his testicles must be amputated or he risks death. The guy reluctantly agrees and the operation is performed. Several days later he comes in for a follow-up. He gets a clean bill of ...

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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's co...

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A guy hears about an "impossible to hunt" bear.

So he decides to go and hunt it.
He goes with his normal rifle and hides on the forest until he sees the bear. He shoots three times, but doesnt hit the bear.
The bear turns back, stands, looks at the now scared guy, nods, and walks slowly to him.
- you just shoot me!- says the bear.
-e...

i made this up as a kid or seen it on the internet or smth...idk it is funny

3 aliens come down to earth...examining earth and humans on this planet. They wanted to interact with the species so they agreed to split up.

The first alien went to a classroom at a school. He was surrounded by a lot of kids Yelling the word 'ME ME ME' repeatedly as the kids were jumping up...

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Mrs O'Malley, who lived in a seaside town, was continually annoyed by the seagulls...

[NSFW]

Mrs O'Malley, who lived in a seaside town, was continually annoyed by the seagulls that would roost on her roof and leave their smelly droppings on her rose bushes.

One day, seeing a flock of them through her front window, she charged out of her front door waving her broom wildl...

Jail importance

Why you should go in jail as an entrepreneur ?

- No cost of living
- gym and rehab park
- surrounded by hustlers
- taxes pay for you
- time off from family, gf , friends to focus on THE GRIND

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

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Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:
“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”
“Yeah,” says the guy… “Your nose is really huge, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the interviewer, bu...

How does a woman scare their gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and...

Old McGregor….

Dropped a quarter in the toilet by mistake.

He looked at it for a few moments then threw in a dime and said “I’d no reach in there for a quarter, but I would for thirty-five cents.”

What do you call it when you get turned on by a journalist?

Wet from the press

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Moral of the Story

There was a fly buzzing over a lake. In this lake was a fish.

This fish was thinking to himself, "Man, if that fly would come down 6 inches, I could jump up and eat that fly."

Behind a bush near the lake sat a bear.

The bear looked at the fish, then at the fly, then back at th...

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It was a long day at the gates of heaven, and St Peter was ready to go home

The final man in line walked up. He was a little man, wearing a tuxedo which looked like it had been scorched, and he was holding a golden baton. The man's appearance was otherwise unremarkable, but for the gigantic, shit eating smile on his face.

"What happened to you, sir?"

"I got ...

My friend is trying to get pregnant by way of a sperm donor.

She's not having much luck, but I'm pulling for her.

I answered my front door this morning and got punched in the face by a 5 foot tall beetle!

Obviously, there's a nasty bug going around…

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An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies

He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone. So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list. His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.


"Ho...

A drunk mathematician wanders into his house at 3 am

His wife yells, “You’re late! You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

The mathematician answers, “Actually, I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12”

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A group of premature ejaculators…

…is on the National Mall. The protest starts at 5 pm and by 3, they’ve all arrived. A man with a bullhorn stands up and starts a chant.

“What do we want!?”

“A CURE FOR PREMATURE EJACULATION!”

“When do we wa-“

“NOW!!!”

My last best man's speech was like the marriage

Short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Husband eats dog food

A married lady goes to her doctor for her annual checkup and everything is good. In her conversation at the end of all the tests and examination with the doctor she expressed a concern about her husband.

"As you know I raise champion golden retrievers and one evening I was making thier foo...

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Worst "joke" I've ever heard.

This is a "joke" told by one of my coworkers Jake. There was me him and 2 other coworkers sitting in the work truck.

Jake: You know how geese always fly in a V?

Me: Yeah

J: Well you know how sometimes the goose in the lead will switch and another goose will fly in the front?
...

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A club fight

A guy was passing through a dance floor in club when he touched the lady by mistake,
Lady looked at guy and then looked around and shouted:

"Who is this fucking idiot"

Guy replied and shouted

"Who is fucking this idiot?"

A duck walks into a drugstore....

...and says "I'd like some condoms."


The pharmacist says "That will be $5 plus tax."


The duck says "I don't need tacks, they stay on by themselves."

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Dapple's Car Accident

Once upon a frosty Canadian winter, there lived a man named Dapple. Dapple was a proud Canuck, born and raised in the heart of the Great White North. He loved the snow, the maple syrup, and of course, ice hockey. But one fateful day, his life took an unexpected turn.


Dapple was driving ...

A wealthy widowed man remarries

A wealthy 70 yo man lost his wife and wasn't seen by his friends at their country club for a long time after.

Then one day he walked into the club with a gorgeous young woman on his arm, and introduced her as his wife.

Getting him aside, they asked him how he managed to attract such...

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A man from stockholm decieds to move away from the grinde of the big city and buys a house in northern sweden out in the middel of nowhere

After having bougth his house and get settled a local comes to his house and greats him
"Hi! im your closest neighbour and i wanna invite you to a welcoming party!"
The stockholmer is pleasnetly supprised and agrees
"Alrigth! ill see you tomorrow! but just so you know thiere is gonna ...

Husband and wife…………..

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery....

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A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy or sitting in the bar when all of a sudden the Jewish guy walks over and punches the Chinese guy in the face.

"What the hell, man?"
"That was for Pearl harbor, asshole."
"That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese!"
"Japanese, Chinese, same thing."
The Jewish guy shrugged his shoulders and sat back down to his beer.

A few minutes ago by, when the Chinese guy walks over and punches the Jewish guy ...

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A man gets pulled over by the police...

The officer asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No I don't officer," he replies

"You were speeding. That's going to be big ticket in this area."

"Well, you caught me, and while I'm at it, I might as well be honest with you. I have a dead body in the trunk along with some...

A newly-wed couple moves into their new house

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, a plumber?”

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new...

A flood sweeps through a small town ...

The only building not damaged by the water is the local brothel. This makes sense, because it's the building with the best lay of the land.

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Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.

Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.

The first economist says to the other "Ill pay you $100 to eat that pile of shit." The second economist takes the $100 and eats the pile of shit.

They continue walking until they come across a second pile of...

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The Plan

In the beginning, there was a plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the plan without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it sti...

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An anti-Establishment joke from India

A vagrant, finding no place on the pavement, parked himself at the feet of a statue of Mahatma Gandhi. At midnight he was woken up by someone gently tapping him with his stick. It was the Mahatma himself. ‘You Indians have been unfair to me,’ complained the benign spirit. "You put my statues everywh...

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The farmer and the ringmaster

Once upon a time, in a rural area, there was a poor, uneducated farmer.

One time, a circus came to the town. The farmer decided to visit it. After all, having spent all his life in his hometown, he had never seen such a thing. He was so excited and impressed.

During the ope...

I used to hitchhike by the side of the road, but it never got me anywhere. So I started hitchhiking in the middle of the road.

Which got me a free bed and some food for a while.

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A serial killer died and goes to hell…

A serial killer dies and goes to hell. He’s met by a devil.

“Welcome to hell. Do you like smoking?”

“Yeah” replies the killer.

“Oh boy you’re gonna love Mondays. All we do is smoke. Soon as you’re done smoking, another cigarette appears in your hand. Smoke smoke smoke, all day l...

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Three explorers are trekking through the Amazon....

One explorer is from England.

One is from France.

One is from New York.

As they're pushing through the jungle a local tribe ambushes and captures them. The tribe takes them back to their village to await trial by the Chief.

The Chief presents himself to the explorers:
...

Jeffery Dahmers was beaten to death in prison by the other prisoners.

The coroner said he died in a food fight.

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4 out 5 forest fires are started by people...

Which scares the shit out of me. Because that means somewhere out there is a bear that knows how to light matches.

New Pet

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner hat he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the bo...

The girl I brought home last weekend didn't seem impressed by my collection of beer commercials

Apparently, she'd misunderstood when I told her I had six-pack ads

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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An avid golfer

A guy played golf every Saturday for 45 years. His goal was to break par. He came close a few times but never even got to par let alone under par.

One Saturday he was in the zone. At the 18th joke he’s even par. The 18th is a par 5 all he needs is a birdie. He hits his tee shot right down th...

I was assaulted by 6 dwarves last night.

Not Happy.

A Woman walks in the forest and meets a genie.

A woman one day takes a hike around the forest by her house, to take some time off from people.

She stumbles upon a teapot, grabs it, and (obviously) rubs it. A Genie appears:

"Hello lady, you've released me from my trap. Now I shall grant you 3 wishes, but theres a catch. Whatever I g...

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Donut BJ

There are 3 guys going to a known brothel because they heard how amazing it is. They all request one woman that was very recommended by all their friends.

So, the first guys go in and for 10 minutes and come out with a smile on his face. He says, omg, that was the best BJ I have gotten in my...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the...

Walking through the woods……..

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how l...

Little known fact: Billy Joel's song "Piano Man"

Is about a man who was bitten by a radioactive piano.

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The Turks invented sex

and then the Greeks improved it by removing the sheep and adding lubrication.

The Romans perfected it by discovering that you could have it with women too, then the French ruined it by adding misogynistic condescension, and the British made it worse by adding shame; after that, the Americ...

Chuck Norris went on Family Feud once...

He played the game by himself because no families want to start a feud with him

A man seeks cover in a cabin from the winter storm.

Very NSFW!

Allright, so this is a story from Norway.

It is a dark night in the winter. A small cabin is barely visible through the snow drift. A lone man, the cabin owner, sits in front of the fireplace. What little light there is comes from the fireplace and a few dim candles.
...

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A guy driving along gets pulled over by a traffic cop for going 1 mph over the limit

The guy steps out of his car and the cop asks in a sarcastic tone why he his so important to be driving that fast.
The guy replies carefully that he is on his way to his next job. "Oh yeah " the cop replies " and what is that President?"
"No" the guy replies "I'm a rectum stretcher"
"O...

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Royal Union 2

Once upon a time, the royals of two neighbouring kingdoms decided to cement their friendship and their boundaries by marrying one's princess to the other's prince.

The youngsters were introduced to each other and, as luck would have it, they fell in love. The prince's father, however, wanted ...

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A traveling salesman stopped at a remote hillbilly bar for a beer. As he sat at the bar, the bartender shouted “Showtime!”

A wrinkled old man stepped into a spotlight, dropped his pants, pulled out a huge dick, and shattered three walnuts. Then he bowed and disappeared.

Five years later, the salesman came by again and it was the very same thing.

Another five years go by; the salesman stopped at the bar. A...

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A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

My house was bitten by a werewolf.

Now, in the light of the full moon, it becomes a werehouse. Not evil or anything, just more storage space..

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An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper...

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

Michael Caine was making a movie in the Philippines …

… and he was invited to a posh party in an expensive house in Manila. While he was being introduced to the other guests in the party and getting a drink, he noticed that the hostess was looking at him rather nastily. He was perplexed as he had never met her before and was a guest at her house.
...

When you have an “I hate my job” day…

Try this out:

Stop at your local pharmacy, goto their thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock the doors, draw the blinds, change into your comfy clothes, sit on your favourite ch...

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Alone at the table…….

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket tow...

A high-society debutant is engaged to a low-born Greek guy...

Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, "I've tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing"

"Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, ...

Hercules returned after his most recent adventure in the city of Molione...

Hercules returned after his most recent adventure in the city of Molione where he defeated the demigod brothers, Eurytos and Kteatos, who were siamese twins and had the strength of 2 demigods.

At the temple, Hercules spoke to his father Zeus and asked him why he had to slay them when the gods...

Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor because he's having trouble performing in the bedroom...

The doctor does a physical exsm and finds nothing wrong. He takes some blood to send to the lab and tells Mr Johnson he'll call with the results in a few days.

When the doctor calls 3 days later, he informs Mr Johnson that his blood work came back fine.

"Oh please doc, what else ca...

If I had a dollar for every time inflation devalued our currency…..

I'd already have a quarter by the time you finished reading this....

But, That's just my 2 cents.

The mail pilot

A man applied for a job delivering mail to remote areas by plane. The human resources officer showed him the employment contract.


He said, "you need to be aware that the U.S. Post Office has a tradition of delivering the mail no matter what, even in bad weather. So that means you will...

An Old Man Goes In for a Physical...

The doctor concludes his examination and asks the patient if he drinks alcohol.

"I usually have a mimosa in the morning, a glass of wine with dinner, and a can of beer or two before bed."

"Well," says the doctor. "At your age the best thing would be for you to stop drinking entirely."<...

What do you call it when you find a nose just by itself, with no victim to be found?

No-body nose (sound it out)

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A man moves out to far west Texas

A man moves out to far west Texas. He is busy at unloading his furniture from the truck he’d rented when he sees a cloud of dust faint on the horizon. After a couple more trips inside it has grown larger, and after about an hour he sees a battered and dusty pickup finally turning up his road, and sp...

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don't think so, Susie. It's an 18-hour drive.”

“Don't worry about it, dad! I will send Air Force One, and a limousine to pick you up at your door.”

“I don't know, Susie. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, dad,” replies Susan, “I'll make sure she ha...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

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Dirty Sheep Shearer

Baz the sheep shearer had just completed a six week 'shed', a live-in shearing job working with a gang on a farm with thousands of sheep. His back was sore, he'd worked long days and he was looking forward to heading home to his wife and kids.

When he walked in and caught up with his family, ...

I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.

We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!

I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what sh...

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.....

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you
doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against ...

I am shooting a scene about a Korean martial art. The second shot wasn’t perfect by any means.

Take one though…

A man sits down next to a woman at the bar

He orders a beer and notices the TV above the bar showing the 5 O'clock news

The news is covering someone standing on the edge of a bridge with the police trying to talk him down from jumping

The man at the bar looks to the woman next to him and says "I bet you $10 he jumps"

Th...

Post Malone lost 60 lbs by cutting out pop.

I wonder what kind of music he'll make now.

My employer asked me who to contact in case of an emergency...

I said "an ambulance". This place is run by idiots. I'm sure I'll be in charge soon.

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

A teenage boy shows up to take his new girlfriend on a date

He arrives to her house and is greeted by her at the door. Her father is sitting in the chair in the den, and when he comes in to introduce himself, the father calmly gets up, reaches into his pocket, and tosses him something underhanded, and says ‘catch’.

The boy looks at it and realizes it’...

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A blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in the backyard.

A pigeon flew over them and dropped one right on his head.

He shouted, “Shit! Hurry up! Get some toilet paper!”

“What for?” she asked.

“The bird must be a mile away by now.”

The Lady and the Farmer

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he...

A man is running late to an interview and is waiting for a taxi outside of his apartment complex.

If he nails the interview it can land him a very high paying job that can change his life.With no taxi in sight the man starts to get desperate. He looks up and says "God please please help me get a taxi. I know I haven't been an exemplary human but please I need this break at this point in my life....

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All of the passengers on a plane are seated and ready for takeoff.

The pilot and copilot are late, the passengers and crew are getting frustrated. A couple of minutes go by and suddenly the copilot boards and is wearing dark glasses while waving around a mobility cane. He clumsily makes his way to the copilots seat. The passengers feel uneasy. A couple more minutes...

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

The strange case of albinism

An American anthropologist has been studying a tribe in Africa by living with them for a year.

One day, the chief called him into the chief's hut.

The chief sighed. "Well, my friend, it seems that we must ask you to leave." The anthropologist was surprised by this; he thought he had ...

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A man and his wife are having trouble in bed...

... the woman never even gets close to having an orgasm. She complains to her husband that it is way too warm in their house and that's why she can't have an orgasm.

The man decides to consult a sex therapist for a possible solution. The therapist says the man should cool his wife off by waf...

Was talking to an uncle of mine at a wedding

The night was getting on and we were each a couple pints deep.

My eyes were starting to wander and he caught me looking at a good looking girl with a fair bit of fake tan on

I look back and see him glance at her before giving me a cheeky wink

“Jeezus” he goes “ye young ones are ...

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