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One Hundred Jokes

What do you call one hundred bunnies walking backwards?

A receding hareline

What weighs more one hundred pounds of steel or 100 pounds of feathers?

100 pounds of feathers is heavier because you have the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

My Grandad lived to one hundred and one...

At his hundredth birthday party, he was asked "what's the secret to such a long life?"


He replied "with every meal I take a couple of drops of nitroglycerin. I think that's what's been keeping me going all these years."


He passed away a few years ago; he left behind 2 child...

My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred

She's a perfect ten but imaginary

The Soviet army is marching in Finland

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill: One Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers. The Soviet genera...

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

Tell a girl she's beautiful one hundred times and she'll not believe you. Tell her once she's fat and she'll always remember

Because elephants never forget

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What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

On a scale from one to one hundred, how mature are you?

69.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 1...

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I was once promised one hundred virgins in afterlife if I lived my life correctly and humbly.

But it won’t be much fun, I don’t even speak Klingon. :(

I wanted to buy a large model of the number eleven thousand one hundred and eleven



But then I changed my mind as I realised it was going to cost me 5 big ones

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Build one hundred churches and no one will call you a church builder, build five hundred bridges and no one calls you a bridge builder

But if you fuck one goat......

Why can't Kermit and Miss Piggy count to one hundred?

Because every time they get to 69, Miss Piggy gets a frog in her throat.

Which animal lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d...

Do you want to hear me count from one to one hundred?

One... Two... One Hundred!

My four year old just made this up as I was putting him to bed. I know it's a terrible pun... takes after his old man, I suppose!

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A man has sex with one hundred women and he's a stud.

A woman has sex with one stud and it's bestiality.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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Two Jews are walking past a church

Two Jews are walking past a church. The signboard reads "Convert to Christianity today and earn $100!"

The first Jew says, "What a load of crap. Proselytizing schmucks!"

The second Jew says, "I don't know, one hundred dollars is one hundred dollars."

"You can't be serious," says...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event.

"A hundred thousand people?" Trump asks, "Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?"

A boy selling newspapers on the street

Keeps walking around the streets with newspapers while waving one around and shouting: Mass fraud! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled!

One guy quickly runs to the boy and buys a newspaper. as soon as he has it in his hand he starts...

One Marine is better than...

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune:
"One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters".

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, ...

You know, as a child I was always told to give one hundred precent at everything I do...

Needless to say the blood drive did not go very well.

A joke for all the old geezers.....

A doctor is sent to a nursing home to test the minds and memories of the residents. To save time, she interviews them in groups of three. The first group she meets with consists of three men.
Turning to the first one, she asks, “What’s nine times thirteen?”
“That would be four hundred and si...

A bloke walks into a bar

And there are two Nuns playing darts. He offers to do the scoring. The first Nun hits a treble twenty with her first and second darts and double twenty with her third. The man shouts out "One hundred and sixty." The second Nun goes to throw and hits a treble twenty, a single twenty and the third dar...

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

“Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

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Sex contest (mildly NSFW)

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englisman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.

"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can ...

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A list of books I've read this year

● Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face.


● Making Weatherproof Clothes by Ranier Day.


● All Aboard! by Abel Seamann.


● One Hundred Metres to the Bus Stop, by Willy Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont.


● The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told by Watts E. Dunn.
...

What do you call a Colombian author prepping for doomsday?

One hundred years of solid food.

A man takes off his shirt in the gym.

A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf’s you have! The man then replies, that’s two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of ...

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Snape glares at Harry as he arrives late to class.

“Late again, Mr. Potter?", he snarls, "One hundred points from Gryffindor.”



Harry balks, “One hundred points?! Are you fucking serious?!”



Snape grows even paler than usual as looks down and says, “Albus told you, didn't he?”

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pan-handler in front of a casino

A bum was in front of a casino, hand out, asking for spare change to get a bite to eat. A passerby felt pity for him and gave him $5.00.

"Get yourself a good meal," he told the bum. "But I don't want to see you going into the casino and gambling that money away!"

At that, the bum shook...

A quarter dies and goes to heaven

At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Lord himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The quarter doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all whith riches and food and honey for eternity.

The next day the one hundred dollar bill dies. He also ...

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A farmer buys a young cock (nsfw)

As soon as he gets it home it fucks all one hundred of his chickens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock goes for round two, all one hundred chickens get another go. The next day it is fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later that week the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground hal...

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Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don’t know, I mean I didn’t get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn’t that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked...

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Little Tony

Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says

"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"

Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."...

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Jew praying to god

A Jew having no children, no money, no home and a blind mother, prays sincerely to God to improve his life.

God is very pleased with his prayer, and grants him one wish, just one!

The Jew says OK God, thanks, my one and only wish is - 'I want my Mom to see my wife putting one hundred m...

One day, I was speaking with a martial arts master.

I asked, "Is it true that you once defeated one hundred men in only a few seconds using the Way of the Fist?"

He replied, "Nay, Palm."

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and end up at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter welcomes them all in.

He says, as per standard Heaven protocol, for your first 100 years you get one of anything you like, unlimited, with no consequences.

The Englishman says "Well I really like sex, can I have 200 horny 18 year old stunners to play around with?". St.Peter...

Two Newfoundlanders Travel to Toronto

Two Newfoundlanders, Jimmy and Dave, are out of work, so they decide to move to Toronto to find jobs. They scrounge up every last cent they have for the trip and find they have $1000 between them to get started.

As soon as they get to Toronto, they see a sign in a shop window that says "Suits...

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Three guys die and go to hell. The devil meets them at the gate and explains,

“Welcome to Hell. Here, I will subject you to ironic punishment.”

He turns to the first guy and asks, “What was your major vice in life?”

“Women,” The guy said, “I loved the company of women.”

“Very well,” the devil replied before opening the door to a room full of beautiful wom...

So I learned some interesting things today

I get a kick out of words and word histories, so reading up I learned the word "CENTURION" came from the old Latin word for one hundred, because they were an officer in charge of one hundred soldiers. I also learned that the term "DECIMATE" comes from a collective punishment centurions would mete o...

The wife was looking in the mirror, and remarked how old and fat she was looking.

I said if it's any consolation, your eyesight is still one hundred precent!

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After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

Johnny Joke

“Tell me, Johnny” said his teacher, “if your father borrowed $100 and promises to pay $10 a week, how much will he owe in 7 weeks?”

“One hundred dollars,” said Johnny.

“I’m afraid you don’t know your math very well,” said the teacher.

“I may not know my math,” said Johnny, “but ...

The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC

Donald-"I think I'll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy"
Melania- "Why don't you throw ten $100 bills and make ten Americans happy?
Ivanka- "It will be even better if you throw one hundred $10 dollar bills and make one hundred people happy?
The pilot hears the co...

Man paid 100 dollars to attend seminar called "How to make 10000 dollars in five minutes"

He enters the hall. There's about one hundred people in the audience. The presenter walks up to the mic, says "Approximately like this" and leaves.

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"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"

Some American tourists were cruising the marketplace in Cairo, Egypt, looking for some souvenirs to bring home with them, and one of them came across a man knelt down by a camel and he asked.


"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"


The Egyptian looked at him, reache...

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

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