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I was once promised one hundred virgins in afterlife if I lived my life correctly and humbly.

But it won’t be much fun, I don’t even speak Klingon. :(

My Grandad lived to one hundred and one...

At his hundredth birthday party, he was asked "what's the secret to such a long life?"


He replied "with every meal I take a couple of drops of nitroglycerin. I think that's what's been keeping me going all these years."


He passed away a few years ago; he left behind 2 child...

My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred

She's a perfect ten but imaginary

What weighs more one hundred pounds of steel or 100 pounds of feathers?

100 pounds of feathers is heavier because you have the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What do you call one hundred rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hairline!

Tell a girl she's beautiful one hundred times and she'll not believe you. Tell her once she's fat and she'll always remember

Because elephants never forget

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What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

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A man walks into a tattoo parlour and asks for a one hundred dollar bill tattooed onto his penis.

Shocked and disgusted the artist asks why?
The man goes “well, I have three reasons,
One, I like to play with my money,
Two, I like to watch my money grow,
And three, next time my wife wants to go out and blow my money, she can stay home instead.

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Build one hundred churches and no one will call you a church builder, build five hundred bridges and no one calls you a bridge builder

But if you fuck one goat......

On a scale from one to one hundred, how mature are you?

69.

Why can’t Miss Piggy count to one hundred?

Because every time she gets to sixty nine she gets a frog in her throat.

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A man has sex with one hundred women and he's a stud.

A woman has sex with one stud and it's bestiality.

Do you want to hear me count from one to one hundred?

One... Two... One Hundred!

My four year old just made this up as I was putting him to bed. I know it's a terrible pun... takes after his old man, I suppose!

Which animal lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

You know, as a child I was always told to give one hundred precent at everything I do...

Needless to say the blood drive did not go very well.

A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event.

"A hundred thousand people?" Trump asks, "Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?"

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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The Italian Math Challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'W...

A quarter dies and goes to heaven

At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Lord himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The quarter doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all whith riches and food and honey for eternity.

The next day the one hundred dollar bill dies. He also ...

Three brothers want to do something great for their mother's birthday

All three men are wealthy as two of them are doctors and one is a lawyer.

The eldest son proclaimed that he'd buy a big new house for their mother to live in and did so.

The middle son proclaimed that he'd buy an expensive and fast new car for their mother and did so.

Then the y...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

So I hear Richard Curtis is making a film about Boris Johnson..

…Three Weddings and One Hundred & Thirty Thousand Funerals.

A man takes off his shirt in the gym.

A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf’s you have! The man then replies, that’s two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of ...

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane during the pandemic...

Bush says, "I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies, "I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says, "Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 peopl...

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Caesar and Brutus are on sesame street

Count von Count asks Caesar, "Do you know how to count to one hundred?"

Caesar says "Yes, I will show you how!"

So Caesar starts counting "One, two, three..."

As the numbers get higher more and more characters are appearing around Caesar.

"Sixty- seven, sixty-eight, six...

One Finn

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and con...

The Soviet army is marching in Finland

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers."

The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers."
...

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

Two Newfoundlanders Travel to Toronto

Two Newfoundlanders, Jimmy and Dave, are out of work, so they decide to move to Toronto to find jobs. They scrounge up every last cent they have for the trip and find they have $1000 between them to get started.

As soon as they get to Toronto, they see a sign in a shop window that says "Suits...

As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

“Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

It”s morning somewhere

Ever since I was a child, I'd always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.” "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Co...

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After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

So I learned some interesting things today

I get a kick out of words and word histories, so reading up I learned the word "CENTURION" came from the old Latin word for one hundred, because they were an officer in charge of one hundred soldiers. I also learned that the term "DECIMATE" comes from a collective punishment centurions would mete o...

Johnny Joke

“Tell me, Johnny” said his teacher, “if your father borrowed $100 and promises to pay $10 a week, how much will he owe in 7 weeks?”

“One hundred dollars,” said Johnny.

“I’m afraid you don’t know your math very well,” said the teacher.

“I may not know my math,” said Johnny, “but ...

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided t...

When I donate one kidney, I am applauded as a hero...

When I donate one hundred kidneys, people start asking questions.

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Three guys die and go to hell. The devil meets them at the gate and explains,

“Welcome to Hell. Here, I will subject you to ironic punishment.”

He turns to the first guy and asks, “What was your major vice in life?”

“Women,” The guy said, “I loved the company of women.”

“Very well,” the devil replied before opening the door to a room full of beautiful wom...

2 Boys decided to play hide and seek

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and b...

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The power of booze.

Chapayev was a famous Red Army commander during the Russian Civil War.
He often travelled with a young aid named Peter.
One day they were holding a farm until reinforcements would arrive.

- Commander, I got from the radio that the enemy is five miles away!
- Let's drink to it.
Th...

100 Women surveyed

One hundred women surveyed in New York City were asked if they would sleep with Donald J. Trump.

Each and everyone of them replied **"Not Again"**!

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So there are three friars living atop a mountain

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<b...

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Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class...

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though t...

Three friends throw darts for high scores at a pub...

The first dude hits the 20 three times and calls: "SIXTY!"

The second one hits two darts in the 20 and one in the triple 20 and shouts: "ONE HUNDRED!"

When the third guy takes his turn, after throwing a 20 and a triple 20 the third dart deflects off the board and hits a nun sitting at ...

An English tourist in a Cairo marketplace was offered a large skull by a street trader

"This is the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra for only One hundred English pound." said the trader.

The tourist says, "No thank you, it's far too expensive."

Then the trader produces a small skull and says, "How about this one?"

The tourist asks, "Whose skull is that?"

The ...

Man paid 100 dollars to attend seminar called "How to make 10000 dollars in five minutes"

He enters the hall. There's about one hundred people in the audience. The presenter walks up to the mic, says "Approximately like this" and leaves.

Doctor geezer and doctor young

Once apon a time there were two doctors: doctor geezer, and doctor young.

Doctor geezer was very old - and doctor young, very young.

One day doctor geezer says that he can cure anything in the world for one hundred dollars. And if he can't, he'll give you one thousand.

So docto...

God: "8" Angel: "9"

God:"We shouldn't do this drunk." Angel:"10 lol" God: "15" Angel *mouthful of pizza*: "25" Centipede *tearing up*: "Stop giving me legs, I look stupid!" God: "ONE HUNDRED" Angel: "LMAO"

Who are the worlds fastest readers

The 911 jumpers, one hundred stories in a few seconds

A group of canned vegetables were sitting on a shelf

and one of them was twisting around and checking himself out.
"Hey!" He cried proudly. "I'm one hundred percent corn, nothing else!"
Some fancy new can of Brussels sprouts swiveled to look at him. "But who cares? You're just corn." He said witheringly.
"Well I'm not corn. I'm heirloom...

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Two Jews are walking past a church

Two Jews are walking past a church. The signboard reads "Convert to Christianity today and earn $100!"

The first Jew says, "What a load of crap. Proselytizing schmucks!"

The second Jew says, "I don't know, one hundred dollars is one hundred dollars."

"You can't be serious," says...

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Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag...

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

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A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

Unlucky

Q: A plane is carrying one hundred bricks. One falls out. How many are left on the plane?
A: 99.

Q: What are the three steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?
A: Open the fridge, put the giraffe in, and close the fridge.

Q: What are the four steps to putting an elephant in the fr...

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Life is a sexually transmitted disease

and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.

Little Johnny was good door to door asking his neighbors if they needed any yard work done.

When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got t...

The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC

Donald-"I think I'll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy"
Melania- "Why don't you throw ten $100 bills and make ten Americans happy?
Ivanka- "It will be even better if you throw one hundred $10 dollar bills and make one hundred people happy?
The pilot hears the co...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and end up at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter welcomes them all in.

He says, as per standard Heaven protocol, for your first 100 years you get one of anything you like, unlimited, with no consequences.

The Englishman says "Well I really like sex, can I have 200 horny 18 year old stunners to play around with?". St.Peter...

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Too expensive!

A French farmer takes his wife to travel to Paris. While his wife rented a hotel and put suitcase, he went for a walk. A prostitute approached: - Honey, will you come with me? - How much? - One hundred euros! - Too expensive! - If you like cheap then go find others, the prostitute said and left. ...

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Jew praying to god

A Jew having no children, no money, no home and a blind mother, prays sincerely to God to improve his life.

God is very pleased with his prayer, and grants him one wish, just one!

The Jew says OK God, thanks, my one and only wish is - 'I want my Mom to see my wife putting one hundred m...

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It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Frank at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- "Larry the Hypnotist". Larry explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Each and every one of you, and all at the same time!" he said.
The excited chatter dropped to sile...

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[NSFW] A drunk guy staggers into a bar and orders a beer.

He goes up to the barman and shouts, "Wow! There are A LOT of hot women in here".

Filled with Dutch courage, the guy says, "I bet you 50 bucks I can go up to any hottie in here, squeeze her boobs, slap her ass and still get her number!"

The barman agrees and they put their money under ...

A man goes to the vet

A man goes to the vet with his dog, and says "there's something wrong, I can't get her to wake up!"

So the vet brings the man to the examination room, and puts a stethoscope to the dogs chest and mournfully says "I'm sorry sir, your dog is dead"

The main sobs and says "isn't there anyt...

One Day a Woman had 100 children.

She sadly did not have the creativity to name all of them unique names so she named each one a number from 1-100. One of them was named “one”, the next was “two” and so on all the way to one hundred. But, in a tragic accident, 99 of the children died. The only one who survived was the one named “Nin...

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Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don’t know, I mean I didn’t get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn’t that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked...

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There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family.

There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family. His parents could afford to give him anything he wanted. Well, the boy finally graduated from preschool. So far, he had already mastered his ABC’s and could count to one hundred perfectly. He could even spell fairly well, and his reading was...

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"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"

Some American tourists were cruising the marketplace in Cairo, Egypt, looking for some souvenirs to bring home with them, and one of them came across a man knelt down by a camel and he asked.


"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"


The Egyptian looked at him, reache...

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A farmer buys a young cock (nsfw)

As soon as he gets it home it fucks all one hundred of his chickens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock goes for round two, all one hundred chickens get another go. The next day it is fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later that week the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground hal...

A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This

A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred-dollar bills on th...

Twin sisters just turned 100 years old

Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could h...

Two men are sitting on the train

One is very well educated and sophisticated and the other is a sad, simple minded alcoholic.

As the train journey is extremely long and there is nothing else to do, the well educated man decides to entertain himself by playing a game with the alcoholic.

The well educated man says “Le...

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An Englishman and an American are trekking through the jungle when they’re captured by a fierce tribe of cannibals.

The leader of the cannibals tells the duo he and his tribe will eat them unless they go into the jungle and collect 100 pieces of fruit in an hour. The American and the Englishman agree and they each go into the woods. The Englishman is the first to return, carrying a 100 berries in his arms.
...

jimmy

one day little jimmy came home from his school and said he got a one hundred. jimmy dad asked him what he got the 100 in.

he said,"a 60 in science and a 40 in math."

A group of proud warriors walk into a bar shortly after a victory in battle.

One warrior began to boast of his skills,

" ... and I took my sword to one hundred men's necks "

There was an applause and awe set in at the bar.
Another warrior from the battle came fourth and started,

"This battle, I crushed the spines of 200 men!!!"

Again the cro...

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Little Tony

Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says

"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"

Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."...

A little girl runs to her mum

"Mummy, I just saw a rat as big as an elephant!".
Her mum starts shouting angrily at her: "I told you one hundred thousands billions times not to exaggerate things!"

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Two men are walking down a country road.

They come upon a farmhouse. Exhausted from their journey, they decide to seek food and lodgings. They knock on the door and are greeted with a smile.

"Might we trouble you for a meal and a place to sleep?" they ask.

"Sure!" the farmer responds, "But you'll have to harvest one hundred o...

Three politicians are sitting on a private plane...

The first politician took out a $1000 note, threw it out the window and said: "i just made 1 person in our country very happy".

Upon hearing this, the second politician took out ten $100 notes and threw it out of the window and said: "i just made 10 person in our country very happy".

T...

Blonde Handyman

A blonde,wanting to earn some money,decided to hire herself out as a handyman and went to canvas a wealthy neighborhood.She knocked on the door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do."well,you can paint my porch.What would you charge me?"The blonde replied,How does o...

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A Roman army was making it's way through Scotland... [long]

Their march was interrupted by a frenzied shouting in the distance. The general ordered his men to stop and directed his attention towards the source of the noise. A single highland warrior was standing alone at the top of a small hill, yelling at the oncoming army.

"Come ahead ya big Jessies...

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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

A young girl is walking home from school one day when a car pulls up along side her.

The window goes down and the driver says to her
"Hey sweetie, I'll gove you a dollar if you get in the car with me..."
The girl doesn't say anything, she just walks a little faster.
The driver says
"Alright, I'll give you ten dollars if you get in the car with me..."
Again, the girl...

A captain is on a boat with his first mate.

The first mate says "Sir there's an enemy ship on the horizon!" and the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." They survive the battle and a while later the first mate says "Sir there's three enemy ships on the horizon!" and again the captain says, "bring me my red shirt s...

The difference between Canadian and American men...

Back during WWII, an American GI met a Canadian soldier fighting along side him. The two fought together throughout the war and both made it home safely.

After the war, the two returned to their respective homes and decided to marry their respective sweethearts. The two became such good fri...

A Frenchman and an Englishman have a bet over who is the most virile

A Frenchman and an Englishman on a business trip start talking at a pub and pretty soon the conversation turns to which one of them is the most virile. They decide to make a bet. Each one will pick up a woman at the bar, take her back to his hotel room, and in the morning they will compare notes to ...

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