A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

Two friends are having a chat in a bar.

Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?

Kristen: sure.

Christen: Thank you.

Kris: Anytime.

A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot.

Pun in, ten dead.

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A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of tequila,

The bartender asks if he his celebrating.

The man says “yeah, my first blowjob”

The bartender says “sweet I’ll buy you one more.”

The man says “No thanks, if ten won’t get the taste out of my mouth I don’t think eleven will either”

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?

Ten tickles

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

So, I was in my room and saw a group of ten ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so i made a small house for them out of a cardboard box. This technically makes mw their landlord and they are my..........

Tenants

I searched a list of ten puns to find one that made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

Eight out of ten experts agree that...

... the other two are idiots who should not be called experts

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

We all know why six was afraid of seven. Why was ten afraid?

He was in the middle of 9/11.

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

Jeremy the baker had a lot of robberies in the past ten years

But this one takes the cake

Ten Dollars

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and...

The numbers One to Ten are in a police line-up. Which one of them is going to get busted with drugs?

The high five of course.

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

What’s worse than ten babies stapled to one tree

One baby stapled to ten trees

Why was "ten" always scared?

Because he was in the middle of 9-11

I had a date with a maths teacher and she told me to get there at ten past one.

So I got there at eleven but she wasn't impressed.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

My friends always say not to touch crazy girls with a ten foot pole.

Well that’s okay because mine is only like 4.5 inches.

So I entered a pun contest recently. I thought I had some really good ones so I submitted my best ten. I really thought I was going to win but...

No Pun In Ten Did

I Ran Over Ten Miles Today.

Looking back now, Ten Miles was a pretty stupid name for a dog anyway.

My niece was upset when I told her that she's benign. She told me that she was actually ten and that I had terrible grammar.

I told her I meant no harm.

The worst part about kissing a perfect ten...

... is the cold feeling your lips get from touching the mirror.

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Nine out of ten men prefer big boobs.

The tenth guy prefers the nine men.

"On a scale of one to ten..

..how bad is your headache?" asked the doctor.

"It's π.", said I.

..."π?"

..."Yes. Low-level, but never ending."

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Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

Ten of my friends said queen copied vanilla ice. I said they were wrong. All of my friends stared at me to prove it.

I was really under pressure

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

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So there we were, ten against ten thousand.

Boy, did we fuck those ten up.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling about ten or eleven feet in the air

So he goes up to the bartender and asks, “Why do you have all this meat hanging up everywhere?”

The bartender replies, “Well, we actually have a bit of a game we like to play here, a sort of challenge.”

The man, obviously intrigued, asks the bartender what the game is. So the bartender...

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!”

Nine of the priests turn around and b...

There are ten types of people in the world

Those who understand binary and those who don't

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

I entered ten puns into a pun competition, hoping at least one would win

But no pun in ten did.

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Guy runs into a bar and yells "Quick I gotta get ten shots of your finest whiskey, fuck the cost, pour the shots I'm gonna take them all!"

The bartender is a bit surprised with the request but he lines up the shots, and watches, with a bit of concern but is also kind of impressed as this guy sits on a barstool and slams shot after shot until they're all down.

"Hot damn!" says the bartender. "That's fucked up, what's going on wit...

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Yo girl you a ten

pH, bitch!

I let a blind man borrow ten bucks.

He told me he’d pay me back the next time he sees me.

I have a plant in my garden that will kill you if you sit under it for just ten minutes

It's called a water lily.

How did the octopuses win the football match?

Ten tackles

Just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him him for over ten years.

Never knew he was a dentist.

A man sees a poster for a “Best Pun Contest”

He sends in ten of his funniest puns to the email on the poster. When he got the results back weeks later, he was disappointed.

He really thought at least one would win, but no pun in ten did.

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I just cycled ten miles to Halfords to get a new bicycle seat.

What a pain in the arse.

On a scale from 1 to ten

How dare you.

What do the last ten minutes of Dexter and the last season of Game of Thrones have in common?

They ruin eight years of your life.

A drunk man walked into a gas station

He had accidentally gotten gasoline on his arm while fueling his car, while he was paying for his gas he picked up a lighter and lit it up. His arm immediately went up in flames.

When this happened a cop in the store pulled his gun and shot the man 10 times. The attendant in a panic asked...

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Why Moses was the one who received the ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shalt not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
Then...

A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”



He replied, “It’s the plumber.”



He thought it was the lady who’d...

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf ...

Maybe only ten percent of gamers will find this funny...

That's 1intendo.

Punintendo.

Sony about that.

Microsoft.

The pub is ten minutes from my house...

However, my house is two hours from the pub...

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

Ten Facts about Diarrhea:

\#2 is gonna surprise you!

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The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.

He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.
"No...

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then ...

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A father was about to tell his ten year old son about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know”, said the son.

“Why?” said the father.

“Because when I was seven you told me there was no tooth fairy, when I was eight you told me there was no Easter bunny and when I was nine you told me there was no Santa Claus. If you’re about to tell me grown ups don’t actu...

A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wond...

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I entered ten puns into a pun contest

I was hoping at least one would win, and in fact seven did. The prize was that they would be published in the local paper.

A week after they were published, I was contacted by a huge publisher that said they liked my puns so much that they offered to pay me an advance to write a book of puns!...

“You should be ashamed,” a father tells his young son. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.”

“Really?” the son responds.
“Well, when he was your age, he was president.”

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Anna Kournikova is approached by her agent with one last career option.

He explains that with her youthful looks behind her, her best option is to take a training shoe endorsement she has been offered. She'll only need to model the footwear from the legs down, and give them use of her name.

She's reluctant because years of top level tennis gave her leg muscles wh...

Doc, how long do I have to live?

Doctor: Ten

Me: Ten what? Years, months, weeks?

Doctor: Nine, Eight, Seven...

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

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An Indian man is sitting in first class on a plane, he presses the call button for a stewardess, but no one goes to his aid for ten minutes. A stewardess finally comes over and the man says to her,

“I have been fingering you for 10 minutes and you haven’t come!”

I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.

And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.

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God decides to spread his word

so he goes around the nations. He gets to the americans and tries to give a commandment to an american he meets.
God: "Can I intrest you in a commandment?"
American: "What does it say?"
God: "Thou shalt not kill."
American: "In USA we kill to settle disputes. Murder, execution; that's ho...

Top ten places to put a toaster in your bathroom.

Number three will shock you!

A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed t...

Ten years ago, hashtags were read as pound..

Puts a whole new spin on #meToo

Ten Boxers in a row....

That's it, the whole punch line.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab

What's the difference between a urologist that has been working for one year and one that has been working for ten?

A vas deferens in experience.

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you
must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a co...

After ten years of therapy, my analyst told me something that brought tears to my eyes...

No hablo ingles.

I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

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A wife promised her husband she'd be home by midnight when she went out drinking with her friends...

"I'll be home by midnight, I promise." She said.

The hours passed as the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m. and a bit loaded, she headed home. Just as she walked into the door the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and 'cuckooed' 3 times. Quickly realizing that her hus...

Why did the Rastafarian refuse to cut his hair for ten years?

He was dreading it.

My wife is a six and I am a ten.

The only problem this causes is that we can't share shoes.

I've submitted ten puns today trying to make the front page

no pun in ten did...

What’s the difference between a ten year mortgage on your house and an anti-vaxxer’s kid?

The ten year part

What’s a ten letter word that starts with gas?

Automobile

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar that he's a regular at, and sits at the bar. As the night goes on, he tries his luck with several ladies that come and go, but can't seem to close the deal. Meanwhile, he noticed a small, unremarkable man come in early in the evening, only to leave a short while later with a g...

What has nine arms, ten legs and sucks?

Def Leppard

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

Quick, you have ten minutes to create an absolute vacuum

no pressure

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By then end of my lifetime, I will have cause tens of thousands of ejaculations.

Single-handedly.

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Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘Heck. My wife is better than that.’ The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says,

‘You know?
Your wife IS better.’

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

I saw a YouTube video where a magician had ten of his friends climb up on a platform, then he made them all disappear.

It was really amazing! A magician with friends!

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