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C Jokes

C and C++ walk into a bar...

After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"
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Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet?

Because the others are Not-Cs
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A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C.

Everyone thought that he was crazy, but he was 0K.
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I before E except after C

I would have never guessed the color Beige to be the most rebellious.
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Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c?

Because you can't see in the dark.

Ba-dum-tss
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In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?
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When do S and C sound the same?

When it's necessary.
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T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...
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I froze myself to -273.1°C

..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K
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It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
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The professor gave me a C on my Latin exam...

Aced it!
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C, E flat and G walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.
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Judas: C´mon Jesus we´re gonna be late for last supper

Jesus: The what??
Judas: The supper.. we´re gonna be late for supper.
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Over the next day, Oregon is expected to break the hottest temperatures ever recorded in its entire history, some places as hot as 118°F (47.78°C)

NOT cool.
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My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
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Once, in the fifteenth Century B.C., there lived a pharaoh.

And that pharaoh once got a sexually transmitted disease.

All the best medics of Egypt tried to cure him, but all have failed. Until one day, an old man told him that in one oasis to the west, there is an old sect of priests who know many secrets of medicine.

Quickly, the pharaoh order...

A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s.

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.

"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular...
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What starts with f and ends with u c k

Firetruck you dirty language monster
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Do you know why we use 'k' instead of 'c' in 'dark'?

Cause we can't c in dark.
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If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine
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Hey, are you -273.15°C?

Yeah, I'm 0K thanks.
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I before E except after C

We feign agreeing, but this foreign poltergeist of a rule is neither efficient nor smart- and therein lies the height of the issue. It's as if an ancient deity has deigned to influence the zeitgeist of the people. We must remove the weight of this veil from their eyes, and forfeit the obeisance of t...
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What do Japanese monsters drink for vitamin C?

Kai-Juice!


(My mom came up with that one.)

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NSFW What word starts with a 'C' and then ends with 'U-N-T'?

"Count"




you dumb cunt.

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.
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Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle.

Coconut.
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C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathr...
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"Cell" and its derivatives (Cellular, Cellulose, Cellulite, etc.) are the only English words where the C is pronounced like an S.

At least, I'm pretty certain.
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Stanley the Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for his driver's license and the first thing they had him do was take an eyesight test. The optician showed him the chart with the letters, "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z."

"Can you read this?" asked the optician.

Excitedly, Stanley yelled, "Read it?! I know the guy!"
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I've decided to freeze myself at -273°C.

My friend thinks I'll die, but I think I'll be 0K.
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My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.
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An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...
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There's a woman in the park sells batteries.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.
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Dad's ordering a pizza at 11:58 in 1 B.C

Jesus Christ you're a millenia late.
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What do you call five C Average students?

A Texan graduation ceremony.
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In honor of McConnell and Feinstein, C-SPAN is officially changing its name

It will now be called "Different Strokes"
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I hate C programmers

They just don't have a class...

Joke my 8 year old made up: " How do you make two C's out of one C?"

You have to use a C-Saw!
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If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.
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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figur...
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M. C. Escher had a very tough childhood

Not only did he have to walk to and from school, but it was uphill both ways.
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Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?

Because you can’t see in the dark.

Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.
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A week after the G7 Summit, they should have the C Major Summit

That would resolve everything.
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a^2 + b^2 = c^2

But only if the angle is right.
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The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...
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Did you hear about the Roman who got a C in Math?

He got a perfect score!
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How A/C was invented

The four Goldberg brothers - Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell - invent vehicle air conditioning. But they have a hard time marketing it.

Well, on one 97-degree Detroit summer day, the four brothers walk into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talk his secretary into telling him that four...
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Why did Washington, D.C. get all the lawyers and New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey had the first pick.
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C**ksucker!

I was in Scotland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers, "You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? FUCK NO!" H...

C-3PO, Robocop, and The Terminator are planning a play about classical music composers

C-3PO says, “I’ll be Mozart”. Robocop says, “I’ll be Beethoven”. The Terminator says, “I’ll be Bach”.
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I kicked the big C to the curb!

And after leaving my wife, I beat cancer too!
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A guy called me a c*nt after I told him I'm a Marxist.

Basically, for telling him about my plans to seize the means of production, he called me a means of reproduction.
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The Letter "C" is useless

The letter "C" conveys either a "K" sound or a "S" sound. As such, it serves no purpose and makes spelling problematic. The Germans know this and rarely use the letter C when the letter K can be used instead. Americans disagree.

The debate got violent early in the 20th century when the Americ...
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the Mars rover used to be coded in C

Now it's coated in Rust.
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c:/dos

c:/dos run

run dos run
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A boy came home with a C+ in music.

He said with great vigor, "I got an A-"
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Son your teacher tells me you said the 'C' word in class today.

That wasn't clever was it?

No, it was cunt..

A Czech diplomat in Washington D.C. is obliged to take his annual physical exam.

He goes to a local doctor for a battery of tests. At the eye exam, the doctor asks him, “So, can you read the bottom line, Mr. Kratochvil?”
“Read it? I dated her in school!”
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I just found out what the F.C.C stands for

Fuck Consumers Continuously

Did you know? Coi travel in groups of 4 once they're attacked koi a b and c swim away

And the d koi is attacked
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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They're both stuck up c*nts.

I tried plan a,b,c,d, but none of them worked.

But, plan e might just take off.
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What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D
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A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

Ctrl + C

Ctrl + V
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If you play a G, C, and D on a piano, they're the most Christian notes...

...because it's a Gsus chord.
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Why did C-3P0 get lost?

He went on an R2-Dtour.
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How did M C Escher die?

He fell down the stairs.
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I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”
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A C and a C++ walked into a bar...

The C spilled his beer all over the C++'s shirt. Outraged, C++ shouted, "Good god, man! Have you no class?"
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Old McDonald had to hire a manager for the farm. The manager asked, "What's my title?"

McDonald said, "You're the C I E I O."
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Mugged in D.C

A mugger stops a well-dressed man with a gun to his ribs and says "Give me your money"

The man replies back "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"

"Oh! In that case," says the robber, "Give me MY money!"
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C-Worthy NSFW

And then there’s the one about the killer whales who got tired of whales getting killed off by fishermen. So a pod of them got together to plan a retaliation.

The pod leader says, “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. The next time a group of boats come by, we’ll swim under them, use our blo...

What do you call ice that is chilled to -273.15°C?

Still water.
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Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...
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[O(r)C] Why don't Orcs like to shop online?

They prefer to support local brick and Mordor.
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Organic chemistry is difficult.

Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
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A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...
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A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.

The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.

The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”

The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”
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There are 3 farmers, let’s call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine?

Farmer C
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Why did C go high?

To see sharp.
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Three men are walking in the desert.

Three men are walking in the desert, all dehydrated.

They approach a slide with an empty paddling pool beneath it with a wizard standing nearby.

Wizard: This slide is magical. When you slide down it, you can say a drink of your choosing and the paddling pool will fill up with that drin...
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-273.1500°C is really cold.

But for some people it is just OK.
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Open letter to the mods of /r/jokes

C
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- Have you heard of a scientist who froze himself at -273°C?

— No, what happened to him?

— Don't worry, he is 0K
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What do you call the the Head of the Washington D.C. Financial Ethics Board?

>!They would be the Capitol Capital Principle Principal!<

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...
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Traffic in Washington, D.C.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 mi...
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In the word "scent", is the S or the C silent?

Not even *sc*ience can explain that...
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Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon
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Why did C swell up

Because it got stung by A B
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Hey beautiful, is your name C#...

Because I see you resolving on this D
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What’s the difference between Vitamin C and your mother’s sister wetting her pants?

One's an antioxidant and the other's an auntie accident.
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Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...
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I hate going to M.C. Hammer's house....

He won't let me touch anything.
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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

I went to visit a friend at the hospital and the only parking spot was at the C section.

I had to climb out of the car through the sunroof.
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Bugs in C code should be called fishes

Because fishes are found in the sea
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C-19

In this perilous time, we need to stay vigilant in order to avoid infection


It’s most important that people don’t cough near you, they MUST be FAR


If someone happens to cough near you, politely tell them to


FAR COUGH
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I was born by c-section and I turned out fine.

Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.
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Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."

Contestant: "C-U-N..."

Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."
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Jokes about y = mx + c are great...

But at some point, you've got to draw the line
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The C.I.A. is hiring a new assassin

Three men apply for the job, a 25 year old, a 35 year old, and a 55 year old. They interview the the 25 year old first.

The interviewer slides a loaded Glock to the man and says, "We need a cold blooded killer for this job. We have your wife tied up in that closet over there. If you kill ...

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An obese man is standing naked in front of his doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm sure you are aware that you have a serious weight problem. The man says, "Doc, I know. I haven't seen my dick in 3 years." The doctor asks, "Then why don't you diet?" And the fat man says, "Why? What color is it now?"

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So I met a girl in the bar last night

She said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now"

So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around.

We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation.

Did you hear about the Italian chef?

He pasta way :(
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Weinstein, C.K., Lauer...

I think this "Dicks out for Harambe" thing is getting out of hand.
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The hotel I stayed in recently tried to charge me $10 for using the A/C.

That wasn’t cool.
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When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.
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My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".
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Why does spider learned C++?

Because he loves to catch bugs.
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Im going to freeze myself at -273.15 °C

My friends are worried, but I will be 0K.
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The code-genie

A programmer finds a genie on the darkweb, and the genie messages him: "YOU GET THREE WISHES." So the programmer excitedly immediately wishes to be a billionaire. The genie messages back: "Hold on there pally it's not that easy. You gotta get me out of the darkweb first and into a LAMP."
...
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What do you call a Metallica song after being transcribed?

Sheet metal.
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Request: PG Pirate Jokes

I have two jokes that I use a bunch and requesting a third.

1. What did the pirate say at his 80th birthday?
Ayyyy, matey

2. What's a pirate's favorite letter? You think it be R, but my first love be the C
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