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99 Jokes

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Cashier: that’ll be $19.99

Me: *pulls out a $50*

Cashier: sorry we’ve been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?

Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30*

Garlic powder $5.99. Steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99.

Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless

99 bugs in the code...

99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code!
Take one down, patch it around.
127 bugs in the code.

Over 99.99% of people that took the vaccine for the 1918 Spanish Flu have passed away.

This seems very suspicious to me!

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

99.99% of people are idiots

I’m just happy I belong to the 1%

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

RIP Bob Barker, host of The Price is Right, dead at 99

You gotta give him credit, going right up to the edge of 100, without going over.

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," the Mother Superior says. "It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

"We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
...

If Listerine kills 99.9% of germs

and what doesn't kill something makes it stronger,

are we really on the right track with all this dental hygiene stuff?

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"Your sign outside says 3 strippers for 4.99... We talking topless or fully nude?"

"Sir this is Dominoes pizza. They're chicken strippers."

"Ok ok, now the price makes sense... How long is each dance?"

99 programming bugs in the code

99 programming bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs.

Take one down, patch it all up.

111 programming bugs in the code.


EDIT: FRONT PAGE! HOLY COW! Thanks so much, reddit! Credit goes to my IT teacher.
EDIT 2: WE SURPASSED 1K UPVOTES!?!?! THANKS!

What goes 99 clunk, 99 clunk?

A centipede with a peg leg

99 little bugs in the code...

99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh.

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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger - 2.99 Cheeseburger - 3.99 Chicken Sandwich - 4.99 Hand Jobs - 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties.

She smiles at the biker coyly, and he ...

Sure, Bob Barker may have died at 99 years old...

...but Betty White was closer to 100 without going over, so... She wins.

Box of condoms = $6.99

Cashier's face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless

How do you get 100 Math Teachers into a room that only fits 99?

You carry the 1.

How many 99%ers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None! Ha! We can’t change anything.

I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.

It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.

I had a rancher ask me to help him round up his cattle. I asked him how many he has and he stated 99.

I said 100, you’re welcome!

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

My Dog is really worried about the rising price of groceries, with a can of dog food now costing £2.99....

That's almost £21 in Dog money.

I've got 99 problems...

Please help me.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

My father told me that I'm in the 1%

He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.

Poor Prince Phillip...

99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from his wife.

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

I know a place where the recycling rate is 99%

/r/jokes

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confid...

The director of EA walks into a bar

*Download the punchline for only 4.99*

I never understood the expression "free.99"...

...it makes no cents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite sex position is 99...

Where we both fall asleep next to each other and the first one to cum is morning.

This sums up the 90s

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99 = 945

The Mother Superior assembles all the nuns in the refectory

"Sisters," says the Mother Superior grimly, "while we were gardening this morning, we found a discarded condom!"

99 nuns: \*horrified gasp\*

one nun: \*tee-hee\*

"And," adds the Mother Superior, "it had been *used!*"

99 nuns: \*horrified gasp\*

one nun: \*tee-hee\*...

What is Colgate Sensitive supposed to do if Colgate kills 99.9% of germs?

It kills 99.9% of them without hurting their feelings.

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What has 99 balls and fucks old ladies...

***Bingo***

99% of lawyers

give the rest a bad name.

I bought a balloon for $0.99

How much should I sell it for after I adjust for inflation?

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen.

But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!

They say 99% of the population is stupid...

I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!

99 was the year for misbehaviour...

But the year 2000 was the noughtiest.

What is half of 99?

92.

99% of Redditors are morons!

Im glad to be in the 99%.

99 grenades hanging on the wall, 99 grenades hanging on the wall, and if one grenade was to accidentally fall...

There would be no grenades and no bloody wall!

99.99% of scientists claim that the Earth is, in fact, round.

Anyways, I lost my job as a scientist today.

99¢ condom

A young guy walks into a drugstore to buy a condom. He sees they are on sale for 99¢ each and luckily he has $1 on him. He gives the condom to the clerk.

Clerk: That'll be $1.04

Guy: I thought they were on sale for 99¢. What's the extra 5¢ for?

Clerk: Tax

Guy: Tacks!? I t...

Do you know why hand sanatizers only kill 99% of germs?

To leave someone to tell the story

A lake peer officer is talking through a megaphone: "Boat 99, please return to shore, your time is up"

A colleague walks up to him and asks: "Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today."

The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: "Boat 66, is everything ok?"

99% of people can do simple math operations.

I belong to the other 2%.

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Stranger guy with a sexy women in a hotel lobby.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your br...

99% of the population is stupid

Luckily, I’m part of the 3%

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So, I asked 100 random women what their favorite shampoo was and 99 of them had the same answer!

"Get the fuck out of my bathroom!"

Albert Einstein walked into a bar at 99 percent the speed of light.

The bartender said, "Why the short face?"

99 guys walk into a bar

The 100th ducked.

EA walks in a bar

*Unlock this punchline for $9.99*

*for $14.99 more you can also unlock correct grammar*

Case of water - $3.99

Case of Apples - $20.99

Case of Oranges - $25.99

Bag of chips - $2.50

Cigarettes - $8.99

Box of candles - $4.50

Frozen pizzas - $6.50



Asking for a quote of these items - Price List

Webinar: How to Avoid Fraud. Registration Fee $99

The webinar is canceled. Registration fee is non refundable.

Billy Mays is in heaven now...

Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like it's $19.99.

My son said: "Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos.

Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

A repairman was hired to repair a large machine in a factory.

He showed up, examined the machine, then tapped it once with a hammer. It started up. The factory owner was pleased, but not when he got a bill from the repairman for $100. He thought that was outrageous, and he asked for an itemized bill. So the repairman handed him a bill which said:

Tappin...

A lottery ticket is a weird gift to give someone

it’s like “Here. This has a 99% chance of being disappointing. I saw it and thought of you”

I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for £20.

But I partied like it was £19.99

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[TIL] Almost 99% of the world do not have 20/20 vision.

Cause we obviously didnt see this fucking year coming.

My girlfriend is like the square root of 99

I don't know that either

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 101 Dalmatians there were 99 problems and bitches were approximately half of them

This got banned from Showerthoughts for being a pun, and I knew you guys liked puns so here we are!

One day, a woman had 99 children.

She was the first woman to have this many children, and she was extremely surprised, and also shocked since she did not have the patience to come up with a name for every one, so she decided to name them simply 1-99. So the first child was one, and the next was two, and so on.

Three years lat...

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

99 dead in Tesla autopilot car crash

This has caused Tesla to drop all ideas of a battle Royale mode for Tesla cars

Inaudible audiobook premium, only from me 9.99$/mo

Variety of inaudible audio books available from me in all known languages

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

What takes 99 steps and goes *thump*

A centipede with a pegleg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does one become a level 99 stripper?

A lot of grinding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

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What has 99 legs and three teeth?

The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

99% of the world can't count.

I'm just glad I'm part of the other 4%.

If the US stops minting pennies, 99¢ deals will disappear

because they won't make cents any more.

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How did Hitler achieve 99 firemaking?

He burned yews.

Bought a receiver for 99.75 $ yesterday

Got a quarter back

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