UPJOKE

### 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars

Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses

The Stables have turned

### 100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calcula...

### What do you call 100 lawyers skydiving?

Skeet.

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### A woman was on the way to winning \$100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

### How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

### I still 100% stand behind Alec Baldwin..

Standing in front of him is too dangerous.

### A kiss for \$100 dollars

A husband decides to make a quick run to the store, while his wife waits at home. A few minutes after he leaves the house, his guy friend shows up, hoping to speak with him.

Seeing that the husband is not home, the friend says he’ll come back later but is invited in by the wife. As the two o...

### Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

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### A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100\$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of \$100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay \$100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

### A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

### How do you get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool in a hurry?

Say: "Would everyone please get out of the swimming pool."

### A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for \$2000, and a man buys it from him.

The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.

The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.

The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.

The man sa...

PopKorn.

### I gave a homeless man 100 dollars today..

..The amount of joy i felt when he put the gun away was priceless.

### My girlfriend borrowed \$100 from me. When we separated after three years, she returned exactly \$100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

### My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary

### A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic...

Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST \$20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET \$100 BACK."
The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn \$100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters.

Doctor: "W...

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### I asked 100 women what their favorite shampoo was. The top response was...

What the fuck are you doing in my bathroom?!

### Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.

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### There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had \$100 in it, which...

### You're offered \$50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get \$100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want \$150,000.

### A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,

"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the poli...

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### A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for \$100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for \$1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

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### A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are \$100, \$200, and \$15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays \$15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

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### A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100\$ bills on the counter...

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

### Little Jimmy said to his big brother: "Look at this! On my juice box! It says it's made with 100% pure concrete!"

"No no no, Jimmy. Concentrate!"

"I am concentrating!"

### Two Jewish guys are walking.....

when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you \$100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in...

### Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

### Arkansas.

Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits \$10 each, shirts \$2 each, trousers \$3 each".

Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sel...

### A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100\$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

### I finally caught her.

I jumped into a cab and asked the driver to follow my wife's car. From a safe distance, I saw her turn into the motel parking lot. I told the cabbie, "I'll pay you an extra \$100 if you go in there and bring her out."
Without hesitating, he jumped out of the car and trotted to the motel. After a f...

### What do you say if 100 lawyers are talking to you out of a deep pit?

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### A woman walks into a bank to deposit \$100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you \$50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

### A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy.

The guy takes off his shirt she says, "Oh what chest!"

"That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."

Then he takes off his pants she says, "Oh what legs!''

He says, "That 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."

After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running he catches...

### What has 100 legs but can't walk?

50 disabled people

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### My wife said if this gets 100 upvotes we can try anal

Please, stop upvoting! Her cock is huge!

### TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...

...they *will* see you later!

### A duck had a \$100 bet with his friend

A duck had a \$100 bet with his friend that he could touch the tip of his beak with the end of his foot. Certain that ducks aren’t built to do this kind of thing his friend takes the bet.

After several attempts, rolling around on the floor, flapping around and making a fool of himself, the duc...

### Jack was very fat and his wife was worried about him, so she made him see the doctor...

The doctor weighed him and said, "You must lose 30 kg. Eat only fruits and vegetables and jog 5 km a day for the next 100 days. Then give me a call and tell me how much you weigh."
Jack went home and did what the doctor told him. 100 days later, Jack called the doctor.
"Jack here. Y...

### I got a great deal and paid only \$6 for a book titled “100 Truly Disgusting Jokes.”

If you break it down per joke, I only paid for the author’s 6 cents of humor.

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### The leprechaun and the golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.<...

### Why do predators avoid the 100 Acre Wood?

They don't want to eat Pooh.

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### Bambi

As soon as Harry and his wife entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt walked up to Harry and became very friendly.

Harry brushed her off.

Harriet quickly objected,

\- "Harry, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
...

### Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away.

### Did you know that if you tie \$100 bills to your belt...

it's a waist of money?

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### A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist \$1,000 to put a \$100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

### My energy supplier proudly boasts that they use 100% renewables. They sent my renewal quote.

Can anybody tell me what day it was, when wind doubled in price?

### Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie.

100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.

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### A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke in...

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### Young mans first-ever around-the-world cruise

A young sailor about to go on his first-ever around-the-world cruise, visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

“Gramps, I’m so excited to go on my first cruise,” he says.

“Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you’re taking everything you need,” says the grandfather.
...

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### What’s the difference between a \$5 prostitute and a \$100 prostitute?

One won’t let you fuck without a condom, the other you wouldn’t.

### Arab student in Germany.

An arab student studying in Germany contacts his father saying "I feel ashamed that I come to college on a Lexus and the Doctors who teach me come by train".

His father sends him a check with 100 million \$ and a note saying "here go buy yourself a train and don't embarrass us with the Germans...

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### 100 Law Students walk into a bar...

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### A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

### Three women, one a brunette, one a redhead and one a blonde, are standing at the gateway to heaven, awaiting judgement...

Three women, one a brunette, one a redhead and one a blonde, are standing at the gateway to heaven, awaiting judgement.

St. Peter tells them that to enter Heaven their resolve must first be tested. He will tell them 100 jokes and they must restrain themselves from laughing, or Hell awai...

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### A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

The Jackson 5

### WHO anounced another deadly virus, more potents than anything we knows so far, and with 100% fatality

Symptoms include an urdge to corect or point out speling mistakes, and gramer errors to.

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### 50% of marriages end in divorce

100% of marriages end with you getting fucked in some capacity.

### The gynocologist turned mechanic...

After 20 years in the industry, a gynecologist decides he wants to try something new, so he takes some classes on automotive work. After completing the final, which consisted of a written test and a practical, he asked his instructor how he did.

"Well, you earned 150 points out of 100." The I...

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### Three words

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him.

Before he ...

### Why is it that Miss. Piggy can’t count to 100?

Every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog stuck in her throat!

### Did you hear about the Native American who died after drinking 100 cups of tea

He died in his tea pee

### Warning: Dark Humor Ahead "A cure?"

A man is sitting in his doctors office waiting for his test results:

Doc: Well, Jim. I'm sorry but your tests say that you have a rare disease and it's 100% fatal.

Jim: Isn't there ANYTHING we can do to stop it?

Doc: Uh, there is this spa down the road that has these special...

### Met a hot girl in the bar

She said if I give her 500 bucks she'll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

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### Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

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### Guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a challenge where if you complete these 3 steps you win 100 million dollars".

The guy says "oh cool, I'll enter, what are the steps?"

So the bartender describes what the guy must do. "The first step is to down a fifth in under 10 seconds".

*Not that bad* the guy thinks.

"Second," the bartender says, "you have to go into that room in the back. In the room...

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### Starbucks and the Pope

Starbucks manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate \$100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day...

### A study conducted on representation of persons with disabilities found that

blind people were 100% less likely to see themselves represented in the media

### If you find a \$100 bill on the ground and it takes you a second to pick it up…

It will be worth \$50 due to inflation.

### A guy died and his three friends all owed him \$100 each

1st and 2nd friends both put \$100 on his coffin and declared repayment even in death. 3rd guy wrote a check for \$300 and took the \$200 change.

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### An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for \$100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

### A 100 year old man who lived next to a Formula 1 track all his life got interview by the local news

Reporter: "100 years is a long time, has this place had an affect on your life in any way?

The old man scratched his head and took a minute to think and said:

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO".

(Works better when you tell it lol)

### Move

There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game.

The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move.

So the first guy says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), “I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics livin...

### a man walks into a bar....

a man walks into a bar, puts an iguana and a frog on the bar and orders a pint.

the barman spots this and says "oi, wtf are you doing bringing them in here?!?"

the man takes a sip of his pint and says to the barman "i bet you 100£ i can make the frog sing".

the barman says "ok, ...

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### A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller...

"Can I please withdraw \$10 from my account?" while handing over her debit card.

The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady "Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for \$10."

The old lady then says "Okay, then I want to withdraw \$10k from my account."...

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### I have 100% legit proof that masks don't do shit!

My wife went on a trip to her sister's.
Didn't do shit - she got chlamydia anyway!

### My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

### What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

### A hooker said that she would do anything if I offered her \$100…

Guess who’s getting his house repainted for \$100?

### A man walks into a bakery

and orders 99 loaves of bread. Dumbfounded the baker asks:"Why don't you just buy 100?", to which the man replies: Who could eat that many loaves of bread?

### "Would you sleep with my grandmother for £100,000?" asked my girlfriend.

I said, "Yes, but I don't have that sort of money to pay her."

### A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC; Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a \$100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We a...

### Bad boy and good girl (long)

So a guy decides he wants to date this girl. He finds out that she's quite prudish but he's willing to look past that because she's really, really pretty. After constantly asking her, she finally agrees to go out with him. One date leads to another and soon they have a steady thing going. He wants ...

### A bear walks into a bar and orders 100 pints on beer

After 2 minutes the Bear asks “when are you gonna finish?”
the bartender replies “ bear with me sir”

### A man goes into a shop in Chinatown and sees a gold sculpture of a rat.

He can't stop staring at it. It's like something is calling out to him. He asks the old man behind the counter "How much for the statue?"

The old man strokes his beard and replies "\$10 for the statue, \$100 for the story."

"Story? Forget that I'll just take the statue," the man says. He...

### Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

### A battalion of Russian soldiers were marching through Ukraine..

From behind a huge pile of rubble they hear a faint yell.

"One Ukrainian soldier can kill 10 Russian soldiers!"

The Russian colonel laughs, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the pile. After a short battle and the ensuing silence, another yell:

"One Ukrainian soldier can take ou...

### A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck...

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### Bank manager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always r...

### I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Aretha Franklins

### In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

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### The Hawaii Special

Two guys are talking.
“Hey, did you know about the Hawaii special at the strip club?”.
“”No?”.
“It’s sooo good. One of the dancers gets naughty with you, and once you get hard, she slips a pineapple slice on your penis and eats it.”.
“Sounds great, I’m gonna try next weekend!”.

N...

### There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

### An 80 year old man goes in for a physical

And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do ...

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### The farmer, the pig and the monkey

A farmer wanted to enter his pig in the biggest pig competition at the county fair and he figured if he shoved a cork up the pigs ass the pig couldn’t shit and it would just grow and grow.
He decided to test this out on 3 different pigs, corking them for 3 months, 6 months and 1 year respective...

### Two dairy farmers are in a bar talking shop.

Dairy farmer 1: I’ve discovered a method of making cheese that results in 100% curds.

Dairy farmer 2: no whey!

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### A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

### A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him \$500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

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### Drunk guy going back home

A guy was drinking heavily in a bar with his buddies to the point that he was almost passing out. He threw up on himself several times.

Few hours have passed and the effects of alcool start to dissipate a little bit. On his way back home he’s walking and start to think about his wife waiting...

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### A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra \$100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

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### A Newfoundlander shows up for a job interview in the middle of Alberta.

The foreman can tell right away by how he talks and thinks to himself, "Oh no, I don't want to hire a Newfoundlander.." so he comes up with an idea on the spot;

"Before I hire you, I want to see if you can pass a quick cognitive test. I'll give you a pen and paper, and you try to abstractly d...

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### After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

Life

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### A man calls his friend

Tells him, hey man! I opened my own business. Its a brothel. You should come by! Were having specials now as the business is newly opened!

\-Oh yeah? What prices do you offer?

Well, we're having a special on Anal, thats \$100, BJs are also on sale, for only \$20.

\-Wow, those pric...

### Three drunks enter a taxi

the driver immediately notices that they were drunk, and decided to make a quick buck out of them.

When they entered the car, he drove 100 meters, made a turn and told them that they arrived at their destination.
The first one thanks the driver and leaves. The second thanks him, give hi...

### My sister bet me \$100 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta

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### A mother of 100 children makes lunches for them for school.

She pulls out 5 bags of sliced bread and several spreads. She spreads butter on 12 of the bread slices, jam on 8 of them, peanut butter on 18, nutella on 12, more butter on 21 of them, nutella again on 6, jam on 3, and peanut butter on the rest of them. What did she spread the most?

Her legs!

### Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because they won't stop to ask directions.

### Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

### I started a 100 subject survey on which shampoo women prefer to use...

Only got to the 3rd shower before i was arrested.

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### After making love as a married couple for the first time, a young bride asks her husband for \$50. As he pays her, he advises, "if you want roleplaying, we should both be in on it... ask for the money up front."

So, every time they have sex, she asks for \$50 and he gladly pays. After all, it's THEIR money.

After a year, he stops at the bank to get a crisp new \$100 Bill to make their anniversary special. He hands it to her as he walks in the door.

"That's sweet," she says, "but first, come o...

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### Guy walks into a tattoo parlor and says to the artist

I want you to tattoo a \$100 bill on the shaft of my penis.

Puzzled, the tattoo artist looks at him and says sir I can't imagine one reason you'd want to do something so painful

The man looks at him and says hell I can give you 3 reasons

The artist says alright that's fine if you...

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### A rabbi and a Catholic priest are walking on a hot summer day

A rabbi and a Catholic priest are walking on a hot summer day. When they pass a lake, the rabbi suggests they go swimming.

Since neither of them has a bathing suit with them, they bathe naked. Just as they come out of the water, a family with children appears.

The rabbi immediately cov...

### I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

An old lady went into a bar in Dallas, Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The man grinned and said, *“Sure is, little lady. W...

### I hate my job and I hate my company...

"I could tell you 100 things I hate about my company"
"Okay, thats a start, why won´t you write it down on a piece of paper?"
"And then what?"
"Burn it, it might free your mind"
"If you think it helps...sure thing doc"
<<next day>>
"So, did it help with your...

### A man asked a lawyer what his cheapest service was

"For \$100 I answer three questions," the lawyer replied.

"Don't you think that's a bit ridiculous?" the man asked.

### The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

### Selling brains for charity

Obama and Trump are asked to sell their brains for charity.

Obama offers his brains for \$100,000.

"Well", Obama says, "I studied Law at Harvard. My brains are extremely well developed".

Trump offers his brains for \$10,000,000.

"That's ...

### The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...