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Hundred Jokes

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.

-Alec Baldwin.

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

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Is finding out your spouse sucked hundreds of dicks before getting married really such a big deal?

Or is my wife overreacting?

My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred

She's a perfect ten but imaginary

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My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."

She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"

To which I replied, "That's where they held the ...

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times..

Just like yo mamma

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

Hundred bucks is Hundred bucks!

Dave and his wife Shae went to the state fair every year, and every year Dave would say,

'Shae,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Shae always replied,

'I know Dave, but that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and hundred bucks is hundred bucks'

One year Dave and Shae we...

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You’re in a room with a hundred dicks. How many do you choke on?

“None.”

“Wow, you’re that good?”

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years.

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 min...

Hundreds of Russians are outside a bank,

grumbling about waiting hours in a long queue to make a withdrawl.

Suddenly one says '' I've had enough of this, I'm going to shoot Putin!"


He returns five hours later to the queue and his mate says '' did you kill him?''

he said ''no the queue was too long''

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta

"Twelve thousand, two hundred and fourteen, "twelve thousand, two hundred and fifteen..." my daughter continued as she sat on my shoulders.

I regret telling her she'd always be able to count on me.

A three hundred year old Chinese joke

Yenluo, the king of hell, sent a demon to earth to see if there were any doctors doing good work healing people.

The demon asked, “How do I know who is a good doctor?”

King Yenluo said, “See how many ghosts there are haunting the clinic.”

The demon came to earth...

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

How do you say good bye to two hundred thousand Indonesians?

A big wave.

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

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A man placed an advertisement, "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: You can have mine

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhapp...

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

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The hundred dollar tattoo

Joe gets home late one night and his wife immediately gets on his case. “Where in the hell have you been?” She says.

“Chill out” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my johnson,” he ...

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There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

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Five Hundred Bucks

A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies a...

Two Jewish guys are walking.....

when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in...

The Ukranian Soldier

A Russian general hears someone shouting from the woods - "One Ukranian soldier is better than ten Russian". The angry general sends ten men to deal with the annoying Ukranian. After a short period of shots and screams, another shout is heard - "One Ukranian is better than a hundred Russians". The g...

Hundreds of armed men, snipers on the roofs, traffic blocked. What is that?

Peace conference.

What do you call one hundred bunnies walking backwards?

A receding hareline

How do you get a hundred cows into a hall?

Put a Bingo sign front of it.

There are usually a hundred hens on a farm...

... and only one rooster. After all the rooster is just meant for mating, and useless apart from that.

One day, the farmer decided that the current rooster is getting old, and bought a new younger rooster in.

The old rooster, upon seeing the new, younger rooster, got angry.

"Wh...

"May you live a hundred years!"

A perfectly normal and decent birthday greeting, unless you say it to someone who's 99.

A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"

A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"

What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede.

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A man goes to a bank every wednesday to deposit hundreds of thousands

He comes in with a big bag of money, every wednesday and deposits large amounts of money. The manager gets suspicious after a while and when the next wednesday comes, approaches the man:

-Good morning and welcome sir, you must be one the richest customers of our bank. We are thankful for choo...

The Soviet army is marching in Finland

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill: One Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers. The Soviet genera...

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and th...

An economist walks by a hundred dollar bill ...

... on the sidewalk but decides not to pick it up, because if it were really there, someone would have picked it up already.

My Grandad lived to one hundred and one...

At his hundredth birthday party, he was asked "what's the secret to such a long life?"


He replied "with every meal I take a couple of drops of nitroglycerin. I think that's what's been keeping me going all these years."


He passed away a few years ago; he left behind 2 child...

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

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Husband and wife are discussing ways to improve their sexual communication.

Wife says, “If you want to have sex, touch my left breast. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my right breast.”

Husband replies, “Ok. And if you want to have sex, touch my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my penis two hundred times.”

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

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I had to pay hundreds of dollars for a stool sample test before I had my surgery.

That shit was expensive.

Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...

...never to be heard from again.

My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two!

He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

A Chinese factory recently had massive layoffs, leaving hundreds angry...

...at having to go back to school.

There once was a women who had a hundred children..

There once was a woman who had a hundred children. She named each of them after numbers, in the order they were born. All of them died except for Ninety.

Ninety went off to have some children of her own. Her kids were very kind, and one day they found an injured dog. They took the dog home b...

How do you get a hundred drunk and rowdy Canadians out of your pool?

You say, “Please get out of the pool.”

There was a woman with a hundred children

There was a woman with a hundred children. She lacked the creativity to name all of them, so she just named them 1 through 100.

Eventually, through a series of misfortunes, 99 of the children died. Only the one named 90 survived. 90 grew up healthy, thankfully. She found a man and fell in lo...

What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and women love to get it?

A hundred dollar bill.

What weighs more one hundred pounds of steel or 100 pounds of feathers?

100 pounds of feathers is heavier because you have the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 1...

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

...

A cigar smoker bought several hundred expensive cigars

And had them insured against fire. After he'd smoked them all, he filed a claim, pointing out that the cigars had been destroyed by fire. The company refused to pay, and the man sued. A judge ruled that because the insurance company had agreed to insure against fire, it was legally responsible. The ...

I wanted to buy a large model of the number eleven thousand one hundred and eleven



But then I changed my mind as I realised it was going to cost me 5 big ones

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Today I saw about a hundred guys running around the park with their testicles hanging out.

Could have been even more, that's just a ballpark estimate.

A guy wearing a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred bucks he would give me five hundred in six weeks.

It turned out to be just a Fonzi scheme.

A hundred steps to heaven

A blonde, brunette, and red-head were given the chance to repent their sins but they each had to get through 100 steps of jokes without laughing, if not God would send them to hell.



The brunette made it to step 17, broke down in tears of laughter, and she was sent to hell.

The ...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

A Hundred Dollar Story

An Indian tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotic, he notices a very lifelike, Life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, But is so striking he decides he must have it.
He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars...

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What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

An elderly man visited his doctor and asked if he’ll live to be a hundred.

“Do you smoke or drink?” asks the doctor.

“Those things have never and will never touch my lips,” says the man.

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?”

“Nope, don’t believe in doing any of that, either.”

“Well then,” says the doctor, “what do you wan...

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One Ukrainian Jew to another: "Would you share this imported bottle of Scotch with me?"

The other: "Of course I would. But we barely have money for food. Where did you get Scotch?"

First: "I traded some Russian caviar for it."

Second: "But how did you get Russian caviar?"

First: "I traded some calamari to them for it."

Second: "But we're hundreds of kilomete...

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

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I've done a hundred pull ups today.....

This new belt is crap!

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When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

I’ve found an easy way to lose three hundred pounds quickly!

Well... that’s the last time I bet large sums at the casino.

What has over a hundred teeth and keeps back Godzilla?

my zipper!

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

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What do you call a hundred neo-nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

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hundred times

Old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."

Guys, just remember that every yo mama joke that exists has been done hundreds of times by hundreds of different people.

Like your mom.

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A hundred year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup

The doctor: "How are you?"
The man: "Very good! I have a new girlfriend!"
Doctor chuckles....
The man: "She is twenty years old!"
Doctor: "... but you know, every sexual activity could mean death!"
The man: "What can I say, would be a pity if she died..."

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Build one hundred churches and no one will call you a church builder, build five hundred bridges and no one calls you a bridge builder

But if you fuck one goat......

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All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.



Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.

"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"

Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parkin...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

A man was reportedly shot over two hundred times last night with an upholstery gun....

Medics say that he's fully recovered.

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...

The Hundred-Mile-per-Hour Goat

Two Pennsylvania rednecks are out rabbit hunting, and as they are walking along through the woods, they came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep ...

Some days I feel like a hundred million pennies

It's a million bucks, but it's kinda heavy

To whomever broke into my shop and stole three hundred cans of Red Bull:

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

“Son, in Vietnam, I killed hundreds of people”

Son: But dad you also said you were just a shipwright

Dad: Never said I was a good one

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I was once promised one hundred virgins in afterlife if I lived my life correctly and humbly.

But it won’t be much fun, I don’t even speak Klingon. :(

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A Jar Full of Hundreds

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar full of $100 bills. He asks the bartender about the jar.

"That jar? You put in your $100 and you go over there behind the first door. See it?"

"Yeah", says the guy. "What's behind it?"

"The ugliest, fattest girl in this county. You have ...

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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.

I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.

What's the difference between religion and mythology?

A few hundred years.

I lost over a hundred pounds last week

That's the last time I'll gamble in a British casino.

You know, a friend of mine met a guy last week who told her he was a billionaire.

\- She slept with him, and the next morning, he gave her money for a bus.

\- Wow, she must be freaking mad at him.

\- Nah, not really. A bus costs, what, two hundred grand?

Donald Trump is flying over New York City

He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"

His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."...

Why did the Irish man only eat two hundred and thirty nine beans?

If he ate one more, it would be too farty!

Did you hear about the Jedi nun who kept accidentally picking up banthas, hundreds of feet into the air?

You can’t really blame her, it was force of habit.

Psychic: I’m sorry to say that you are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education.

Man: How do you know this?

Psychic: Mostly in tuition.

On a scale from one to one hundred, how mature are you?

69.

Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!" --his fellow workmates just cheered

If I could change two hundred things about myself...

Being overly self-critical would probably be one.

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

An old Soviet joke

A Soviet delegation visits an American car factory.

"Whose factory is that?" asks a Soviet visitor.

"It belongs to capitalist billionaire Henry Ford," answers the American guide.

"And whose are the hundreds of cars in the parking lot?" asks the visitor.

"They belong to th...

If you owe a bank a hundred dollars, you have a problem.

If you owe the bank a million dollars, the bank has a problem.

If you owe the bank several hundred million dollars, that's the taxpayers' problem.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

Hundreds of thousands of people throughout history could have died from eating apples daily…

…due to not having access to a Dr when they needed one.

Where does a four hundred pound alien go for exercise?

Planet Fitness

What is five hundred meters long and eats only potatoes?

Soviet bread line.

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Two Jews are walking past a church

Two Jews are walking past a church. The signboard reads "Convert to Christianity today and earn $100!"

The first Jew says, "What a load of crap. Proselytizing schmucks!"

The second Jew says, "I don't know, one hundred dollars is one hundred dollars."

"You can't be serious," says...

What are four hundred Easter bunnies hopping backwards?

A receding hare line.

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d...

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A man goes to hell...

The devil greets him and says "You have to pick your torture. Pick wisely because this will be your torture for eternity".

The man goes through hundreds of rooms but can't decide, until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch watching football on TV and getting a blowjob from a cheer...

What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

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