UPJOKE
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Hundreds of armed men, snipers on the roofs, traffic blocked. What is that?

Peace conference.

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There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pati...

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo mamma

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you donโ€™t take.

-Alec Baldwin.

How do you get a hundred cows into a hall?

Put a Bingo sign front of it.

Hundreds of Russians are outside a bank,

grumbling about waiting hours in a long queue to make a withdrawl.

Suddenly one says '' I've had enough of this, I'm going to shoot Putin!"


He returns five hours later to the queue and his mate says '' did you kill him?''

he said ''no the queue was too long''

What do you call a hundred rabbits hopping backwards in a queue?

A receding hairline

My wife is a hooker?

My wife woke me this morning after being out all night I asked her where she was and she told me that because we were going through some money problems she decided that she was going to go on the game and after a lot of arguing I asked how much money she made and she said 4 thousand 6 hundred 40 eur...

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

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A priest goes to see his Bishop and asks if he would hear his confession

โ€œOf course,โ€ the Bishop said and took out his rosary. โ€œAnd what do you have to confess?โ€

โ€œWell Your Grace I used profane language,โ€ the priest says, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.

โ€œI understand,โ€ the Bishop says. โ€œAnd under what circumstance did you use the profanity?โ€...

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Youโ€™re in a room with a hundred dicks. How many do you choke on?

โ€œNone.โ€

โ€œWow, youโ€™re that good?โ€

A man is driving home from work when he gets a call from his wife.

"Be careful on the road, honey. I heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the highway."

"It's not just one car," he responds, "it's hundreds of them!"

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There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

There are usually a hundred hens on a farm...

... and only one rooster. After all the rooster is just meant for mating, and useless apart from that.

One day, the farmer decided that the current rooster is getting old, and bought a new younger rooster in.

The old rooster, upon seeing the new, younger rooster, got angry.

"Wh...

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Three people arrive at the gates of Heaven

St Peter is processing them in. "Name and occupation, please?"

The first one says "Andrea Smith, I was a doctor."

"Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?"

The second one says "Megan Jones, I was a nurse."

"Of course. Nurses who care for the sic...

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

A Chinese factory recently had massive layoffs, leaving hundreds angry...

...at having to go back to school.

Two Jewish guys are walking.....

when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in...

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A therapist gets a call from their patient saying they are going to kill themselfโ€ฆ

Therapist: Why do you want to kill yourself?

Patient: Because you donโ€™t take me seriously, and youโ€™re always needlessly pedantic!

Therapist: How would you do it?

Patient: Iโ€™m going to jump.

Therapist: Now?

Patient: Yes now! Iโ€™m looking at a hundred foot dropโ€ฆ...

Tell a woman sheโ€™s beautiful a hundred times and she wonโ€™t believe you.

Tell a woman sheโ€™s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

An athiest wakes up in hell.

He looks around confused at the bright shining sun and the best beach party he's ever seen.
People are singing and dancing, laughing and playing, splashing in the crystal water and drinking, just having the best time.

Shortly the devil walks up to him wearing shorts, hat, and raising a g...

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhapp...

Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!" --his fellow workmates just cheered

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A man placed an advertisement, "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: You can have mine

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Since we're doing little Johnny jokes....

Little Johnny's teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, "Who would like to share their story?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. "Susie, why don't you go first?"

Susie ...

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Five Hundred Bucks

A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies a...

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Letter to GOD

A man worked in a post office.

His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.

He thought,

"I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and it read:

"Dear...

How do you get a hundred drunk and rowdy Canadians out of your pool?

You say, โ€œPlease get out of the pool.โ€

A bloke walks into a bar

And there are two Nuns playing darts. He offers to do the scoring. The first Nun hits a treble twenty with her first and second darts and double twenty with her third. The man shouts out "One hundred and sixty." The second Nun goes to throw and hits a treble twenty, a single twenty and the third dar...

What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede.

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

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My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."

She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"

To which I replied, "That's where they held the ...

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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

hippos kill hundreds of humans a year

Completely understandable, i wouldn't want to be called hippo all the time either.

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

Did you hear about the Jedi nun who kept accidentally picking up banthas, hundreds of feet into the air?

You canโ€™t really blame her, it was force of habit.

"May you live a hundred years!"

A perfectly normal and decent birthday greeting, unless you say it to someone who's 99.

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...

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Working in a forestry camp with my buddy Mike

My buddy Mike and I were working in a forestry camp, clearing brush, planting trees, trimming branches, and a hundred other chores.


The foreman, Silan, made us work hard. It seems like we rarely got a break. We would catch our breath, and then itโ€™d be back to work. It was hard work, bac...

I wanted to buy a large model of the number eleven thousand one hundred and eleven



But then I changed my mind as I realised it was going to cost me 5 big ones

Traffic court

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.

The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."

He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I...

So my bird died

So I bought this Canary bird some time ago and it kept picking at my blinds which was costing me hundreds to continually replace.

I go to the vet and ask for advice.

The vet tells me to file off the birds beak ever so slightly, but that if I file it off too far it will not be able to p...

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A hundred. One to screw it in, ninety-nine to do the paperwork.

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Today I saw about a hundred guys running around the park with their testicles hanging out.

Could have been even more, that's just a ballpark estimate.

Bubba

Once When Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, โ€œBoss, I know everyone in the whole world!โ€

His boss doesn't believe him, so he says โ€œNo you do not know everyone in the whole world.โ€

Bubba says โ€œYes I do!โ€

Bubba's boss says โ€œWell prove it!โ€

Bubba says...

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so thatโ€™s just being hippocritical...

My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two!

He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred

She's a perfect ten but imaginary

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

An economist walks by a hundred dollar bill ...

... on the sidewalk but decides not to pick it up, because if it were really there, someone would have picked it up already.

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

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Under the pillow

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his sonโ€™s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said,

โ€œI donโ€™t think you should take one Dad, theyโ€™re very strong and very expensive.โ€

โ€œHow much?โ€ a...

How do you say good bye to two hundred thousand Indonesians?

A big wave.

An elderly man visited his doctor and asked if heโ€™ll live to be a hundred.

โ€œDo you smoke or drink?โ€ asks the doctor.

โ€œThose things have never and will never touch my lips,โ€ says the man.

โ€œDo you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?โ€

โ€œNope, donโ€™t believe in doing any of that, either.โ€

โ€œWell then,โ€ says the doctor, โ€œwhat do you wan...

Psychic: Iโ€™m sorry to say that you are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education.

Man: How do you know this?

Psychic: Mostly in tuition.

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years.

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 min...

A businessman was flying on a plane surrounded by hundreds of kids. A lady went and sat down next to him.

"Are these all your kids?", she asked.

The man replied, "No. I work at a condom factory, and these are all the complaints."

A gigantic gas explosion in a coal mine in the next town killed thirty workers and hospitalised two hundred. But I refused to give to the support charity.

After all, it was only miner injuries.

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pan-handler in front of a casino

A bum was in front of a casino, hand out, asking for spare change to get a bite to eat. A passerby felt pity for him and gave him $5.00.

"Get yourself a good meal," he told the bum. "But I don't want to see you going into the casino and gambling that money away!"

At that, the bum shook...

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

An old Soviet joke

A Soviet delegation visits an American car factory.

"Whose factory is that?" asks a Soviet visitor.

"It belongs to capitalist billionaire Henry Ford," answers the American guide.

"And whose are the hundreds of cars in the parking lot?" asks the visitor.

"They belong to th...

A Russian comes home after fishing trip

A Russian comes home after fishing trip and hears the news that Russia is at war. He asks another Russian what is going on, and he tells him:

"We are at war with NATO!"

"Oh wow, how many troops have been lost?"

"Well, we have lost 45,000 troops, almost 2000 tanks, a thousand art...

My Grandad lived to one hundred and one...

At his hundredth birthday party, he was asked "what's the secret to such a long life?"


He replied "with every meal I take a couple of drops of nitroglycerin. I think that's what's been keeping me going all these years."


He passed away a few years ago; he left behind 2 child...

Every year hundreds of children are shipped off to mime school

Never to be heard from again.

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

After 15 years of marriage you find out your spouse had been with hundreds of men before you got hitched.

Is this a big deal or is my wife overreacting?

It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself!

Ok soot yourself.

Hundred bucks is Hundred bucks!

Dave and his wife Shae went to the state fair every year, and every year Dave would say,

'Shae,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Shae always replied,

'I know Dave, but that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and hundred bucks is hundred bucks'

One year Dave and Shae we...

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I went to Wendyโ€™s and ordered two large fries

The asshole served me hundred tiny ones

What's the difference between religion and mythology?

A few hundred years.

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**โ€œOne hundred and fifty pounds!โ€ sheโ€™d shout. โ€œNo! Five pounds!โ€ he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. Sheโ€™d...

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The hundred dollar tattoo

Joe gets home late one night and his wife immediately gets on his case. โ€œWhere in the hell have you been?โ€ She says.

โ€œChill outโ€ He replies, โ€œI was out getting a tattoo.โ€

โ€œA tattoo?โ€ she frowned. โ€œWhat kind of tattoo did you get?โ€

โ€œI got a hundred dollar bill on my johnson,โ€ he ...

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool; I didnโ€™t want to go,

because Iโ€™ve put on like a hundred pounds.

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I was once promised one hundred virgins in afterlife if I lived my life correctly and humbly.

But it wonโ€™t be much fun, I donโ€™t even speak Klingon. :(

How many r/Jokes members does it take to change a lightbulb?

All of them. Even though It's already changed hundreds of times before.

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What do you call a hundred neo-nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

What weighs more one hundred pounds of steel or 100 pounds of feathers?

100 pounds of feathers is heavier because you have the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.

I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

During my flight, I stopped a terrorist from killing more than 300 hundred people.

Through self-control.

A man was reportedly shot over two hundred times last night with an upholstery gun....

Medics say that he's fully recovered.

A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"

A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"

Iโ€™ve found an easy way to lose three hundred pounds quickly!

Well... thatโ€™s the last time I bet large sums at the casino.

Ninety-Nine had been trying to defeat Hundred, but failed each time. Finally, he pushed the limit for one last time. And on his cake day...

Ninety-Nine defeated Hundred-And-One.

White House dinner.

During a dull White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"
โ€œVery impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize h...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, โ€œMaโ€™am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?โ€

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred bucks, after six weeks he would pay me $500

It turned out to be just a Fonzi scheme.

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

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A Newfoundlander shows up for a job interview in the middle of Alberta.

The foreman can tell right away by how he talks and thinks to himself, "Oh no, I don't want to hire a Newfoundlander.." so he comes up with an idea on the spot;

"Before I hire you, I want to see if you can pass a quick cognitive test. I'll give you a pen and paper, and you try to abstractly d...

Vladimir Putin, surrounded by his aides and bodyguards.....

visits a modern art exhibition. "What the hell is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked. His aide answered, "This painting, president Putin, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produce two hundred million tons of grain."

"Ah-hโ€ฆ And what i...

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff

As he walked through the plant, he noticed a young man doing nothing but leaning against the wall. He walked up to the young man and said angrily:
\-โ€œHow much do you make a Week?โ€
\-โ€œThree hundred bucks,โ€ replied the young man.
Taking out his wallet, the owner counted out th...

There was a woman with a hundred children

There was a woman with a hundred children. She lacked the creativity to name all of them, so she just named them 1 through 100.

Eventually, through a series of misfortunes, 99 of the children died. Only the one named 90 survived. 90 grew up healthy, thankfully. She found a man and fell in lo...

A couple is playing golf, when accidentally the ball flies out of the field and breaks a window of a nearby house

The house looks quite expensive, and the couple is very nervous, wondering how much they have to pay for the window. They knock the door, and a middle aged man opens it.

The husband apologizes: โ€œGood afternoon sir. I and my wife were playing golf here. We didnโ€™t mean it, but we have to apolog...

What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

A snail goes into a car dealership....

and he asks "What's the fastest car in this place?"

The car dealer takes him to a super-fast Lamborghini. "This one right here, it will do two-hundred eighty kilometres per hour."

"And do you do custom paint jobs?" The snail asked.

"Yes sir, absolutely anything for our customers...

To whomever broke into my shop and stole three hundred cans of Red Bull:

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had just thrown out an old Bible that he had found in a dusty old box.

The collector's friend mentioned that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed the Bible.

"You don't mean Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You fool! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed! A copy was recently auctioned off for hundreds of thousand...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

Football

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. โ€œCan you tackle?โ€ asked the coach. โ€œWatch this,โ€ said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. โ€œWow,โ€ said the coach. โ€œI'm impressed. Can you run?โ€ โ€œ Of course I can run,โ€ said th...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A hundred year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup

The doctor: "How are you?"
The man: "Very good! I have a new girlfriend!"
Doctor chuckles....
The man: "She is twenty years old!"
Doctor: "... but you know, every sexual activity could mean death!"
The man: "What can I say, would be a pity if she died..."

Vinny gets pulled over for speeding on the Jersey Turnpike...

And the cop asks him for his license and registration. Now Vinny wants to get rid of the cop as fast as possible being that he's got a dead "canary" in the trunk. As he passes his wallet, he drops a $50 bill on the ground.

"I'm sorry officer was that your fifty or mine?"

The cop hands ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

A charity office noticed that their town's most successful lawyer had never given any of his hundreds of thousands of dollars to the charity. One of the charity reps called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that, despite your wealth, you haven't given a cent to charity," said the charity rep. "Wouldn't you like to make at least a small donation?"

"Did you research also tell you that my mother is dying of cancer?" replied the lawyer.

"No," answered the charity rep.
<...

It always amuses me to think what must have happened in Star Trek over the next three hundred years for a Frenchman like Picard to have an English accent...

And not an Arabic one.

A cigar smoker bought several hundred expensive cigars

And had them insured against fire. After he'd smoked them all, he filed a claim, pointing out that the cigars had been destroyed by fire. The company refused to pay, and the man sued. A judge ruled that because the insurance company had agreed to insure against fire, it was legally responsible. The ...

I canโ€™t believe it is already more than a hundred years since Einstein proved that Time is relative.

Feels like it was just yesterday.

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

The Titanic has been resting on the ocean floor for over a hundred years.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their Irish bean soup?

Because one more and it would be too farty...

I told my wife she can have the safe deposit box with the five hundred grand after the divorce.

She got really excited about those candy bars.

There once was a women who had a hundred children..

There once was a woman who had a hundred children. She named each of them after numbers, in the order they were born. All of them died except for Ninety.

Ninety went off to have some children of her own. Her kids were very kind, and one day they found an injured dog. They took the dog home b...

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