Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

All this rubbish about R. Kelly allegedly marrying a fifteen year old are ridiculous. Everyone knows he prefers twenty nine year olds.

Mostly because there are twenty of them.

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One hillbilly says to the other, "You wanna play twenty questions?"

The other hillbilly asks, "What's that?"

He says, "I write something on a piece of paper and you get twenty questions to guess what it be."

So he takes out a piece of paper and writes "donkey dick" on it.

The other hillbilly takes a second to think and asks, "Can you eat it?"...

There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens, how many didn't?

Ten

What's the best thing about twenty one year olds?

They're young enough that at least one of them won't have heard this joke!

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs...

Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.

Did you hear about the guy that had twenty fingers?

He always won cribbage with his double-digit hands.

My wife and I were happy for twenty-five wonderful years.

Then we met.

I asked my Grandpa for twenty dollars

"Twenty dollars? What for?"

I told him I needed Groceries.

Grandpa said " When I was a boy my mom would give me one dollar. I would ride my bike to the grocers and come back with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, two sacks of potatos, a jug of milk, a tin of coffee, and two loaves of bre...

For a dollar, a change-maker will get you four quarters, or ten dimes, or twenty nickels...

That makes cents, right?

Why did Michael Jackson love twenty six year olds?

Because there were twenty of them.

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Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and sm...

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

I was invited to an orgy full of twenty five year old girls.

Imagine my surprise when the police were waiting for me.

If I had twenty dollars for every macklemore song I know

I'd have 20 dollars in my pocket.

My friend told me that avengers endgame is twenty second film in the series.

It sure felt longer than that.

Twenty-five years.

Twenty-five years, and I never killed a single person until a few months ago. Now I'm on death row for multiple charges: manslaughter, murder, negligence.

After the first, I thought it was over. I thought nothing of the fact that the Sheriff warned me I would be sentenced to death if it happe...

I have three noses, twenty arms and 10 eyes, what am I?

A liar.

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

A chimp walks into a bar

A chimp walks into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the chimp, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the ba...

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

For the last twenty years, I've received a Valentine's Day card from the same secret admirer. So I was upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my gran dies, now this?

Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the o...

A pig walks into a bar, orders twenty beers, and starts chugging them all one by one.

“That’s impressive,” says the bartender. “Want to know where the bathroom is?”



The pig replies, “No thanks, pal. I’m just going to go wee wee wee all the way home.”

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

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Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town...

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-o...

A patient rushes to a hospital.

Patient: NURSE I NEED A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!!! I'M HAVING A HUGE ISSUE RIGHT NOW.

The nurse sees the distress in the patients eyes and calls over the doctor.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Patient: I don't know doc. I woke up this morning and I'm half deaf. I only hear hal...

Two very stupid students are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.”

At Sydney airport, the students catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.”

“Oh no you don’t! My dad warned me about you. You’ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says one of the students. “And you’ll only be gett...

A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next d...

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

Someone wrote the word "MONG" in the ice on my windscreen this morning.

It took me twenty minutes to lick it off.

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"


"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."


"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"


"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."


"That's amazing! May I as...

A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her...

I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms

And they’ll all be open 11-3 daily

This farmer was telling me about how good his sheepdog was at maths

"Watch this" he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two?" And the dog barked ten times. "OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four?" And the dog barked twenty times. "He's very good" I replied "but he's a little over." "Yeah" answered the farmer "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up."

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A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.

"Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking commented. "Is it male or
female?"


"Female!" the bloke beamed.


"How do you know" his mate enquired.


"Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty
people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt...

Me and my girlfriend have been living a happy life for twenty years.

Then we met.

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I paid a prostitute to pretend to be my wife for twenty minutes.

She argued with me for ten minutes and then I left her for a pack of cigs.

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-five year olds'?

Because there are 20 of them.





I guess you can adjust the tense since, well you know, he's dead and all.

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.


"Twenty bucks," she says.


He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer. ...

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."

The man says "Well, you wo...

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

A married couple is shopping at Costco...

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?", the wife asks.
"It's on sale for twenty dollars," explains the husband.
"I don't care," says the wife, "we're on a budget. Put it back."
A couple of aisles later the wife puts a $50 containe...

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them gave me their change.

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A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level..

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes th...

I remember the first twenty dollars I ever made

I got five years for it.

Ya know my favorite thing about twenty nine year olds?

There's twenty of them.

What's funnier than twenty-four?

Twenty-five.

My grandfather stopped smoking twenty years ago today.

I'll never forget that house fire.

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Parrots. long

Father O'Malley comes out from Sunday mass to talk with his parishioners and Mrs. Coughlin asks if she may have a word with him.

"Of course, Mrs. Coughlin. What seems to be the problem?

“This may sound like a strange question, but I have a problem with my parrot and I hear that you hav...

After my wife died I couldn’t look at a woman for twenty years.

But when I got out of prison it was totally worth it.

a hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky".

He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".

Why did the twenty year old anti-vaxxer freak out?

She was having a midlife crisis

Joe was sentenced to prison for twenty years.

His first night at jail, after lights out, he heard someone say sixty\-one. All two hundred men in the cell block started laughing.  Then someone hollered thirty\-nine. The two hundred men cracked up with laughter.  Then someone yelled ninety\-six.  Once again an uproar of laughter.  So Joe asked hi...

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A guy parks up next to a prostitute...

...he lowers the window and asks “How much for a blowjob?”

The prostitute says “Blowjob? Thirty bucks.”

The guy checks his wallet. “Hmm...Twenty okay?”

She rolls her eyes “Yeah, I guess”

“Great!” The guy says, “Here’s six hundred bucks.”

I was twenty minutes late for my train this morning.

Just so it knows how I feel.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

Did you know 2x10 is same as 2x11 ?

One is twenty and other is twenty too.

I’ve never understood why so many rich parents buy second hand Ferraris for their spoilt children

Why would you want two things that are twenty years old and don’t work?

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and orders a shot of whisky. While his drink is being poured, the man spots a jar of ten dollar bills sitting by the peanuts labeled, “bar challenge”.
Curious, the man asked the bartender what was up with that.
“That there is the current jackpot for this months bar challen...

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I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

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Tom: I know a man who has been married for twenty-five years and he spends every evening at home.

Dick: That's what i call love.

Tom: The doctor called it paralysis.

I once had a gold fish that could break dance on the carpet

But only once and only for twenty seconds

For the English majors

A guy’s arm is hurting so he goes to the doctor. He tells the doctor, “Doc, my arm is hurting real bad.” So the doctor says, ”Roll up your sleeve and let me take a look at it. ” The man does and his arm says, ”Doc, can you loan me twenty bucks”? The doctor tells the man to roll his sleeve down and s...

Little Timmy went to school for the first time.

At school, a kid told him that if he wanted to earn money from everybody around him, all he had to say was “I know the whole truth.”

Deciding to test this, when he returned home he told his mother, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother immediately shoved ten dollars at him and said, “D...

I stabbed twenty people in the supermarket line with thin needles.

It's a new type of therapy I'm calling "aqueuepuncture".

What can be smelt and heard from twenty miles away?

My son playing Call of Duty

What's the difference between a lover, a hooker, and a wife after twenty years of marriage?

Your lover says "Oooh, more, deeper, longer!"
Your hooker says "Cmon, cmon, let's get this over with!"
Your wife says "Beige! Beige! I'm going to paint the ceiling beige."

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

In 1986, Peter Davies

was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the el...

TIL: Among all US Presidents, Grover Cleveland had the shortest term.

He was the twenty second president.

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A student asks his history teacher...

A student asks his history teacher, "What is the practical use of history in real life??"

She replies, "You'll find out soon."

Twenty years later, the boy, now a grown man, was walking down the street thinking-"I work in an MNC, and never used history. My teacher was wrong..."

S...

The last twenty five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.

For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.

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Three old men talking about their health problems.

One says “I get up a seven and it takes me twenty minutes to have a pee!”
The second guy says “ I get up at eight and it takes me thirty minutes to have a crap!”
The third guy says” I pee like at horse at seven and crap like a cow at eight!”
“So what’s your problem?” The other two ask him.<...

What's one moustache plus twenty moustaches?

A hell of a disguise.

Came up by my 6 year old daughter and wife.

How much thyme does Mike Tyson put into his spaghetti?

About twenty minutes

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What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in ...

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An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”



The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”



While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and...

Dead already.

Apparently Freddy Kruger only preys on teenagers because by the time you turn twenty all your hopes and dreams are already dead.

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A high school has a $10 swear fine.

One day during gym class, Peter gets caught saying “shit”.


He gives the teacher a twenty and says:


“Keep the fucking change.”

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[Long] a blind joke.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is...

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”



A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”



Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out ...

There were 19 cows in a pasture

A cowboy came by and asked me to help him round them up.

I said “sure”... “there’s about twenty”.

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A Teenage Son and his father are sitting at a restaurant...

When in walks another teenager with colored hair. The father is intently staring down the kid with the colored hair, enough so that it makes his teenage son uncomfortable. The stare down continues while the kid with the colored hair orders his food and heads to a table. While walking by, the kid and...

A couple went to the county fair.

They ate all the food and rode all the rides. When it came time to leave the woman asked her husband if there was anything else he wanted to do. "I would like to take a ride in that airplane, but it costs $20." She replied "20 dollars is 20 dollars."
He nodded sagely and they went home.

Ne...

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After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

There's this band called one thousand and twenty three megabytes

They haven't had any gigs yet.

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with...

A Scotsman is drinking at the bar.

"I've been layin' bricks fer twenty years" he said in a dejected tone.

"But they don't call me McGregor the bricklayer do they?!" He sipped his drink and continued.

"I've bin paintin' hooses fer thirty-five years." He continued to sip his drink, his inflection getting angrier and more ...

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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

…so she decides to teach him a lesson!

Usually every night plays out the same way. Her husband comes home drunk as a skunk, walks directly to the bathroom to take a shit after which he makes his way to the bedroom, collapses on the bed and starts snoring like a freight train.

The woman...

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Bob and Frank are standing by the water cooler...

(A quick note: my Dad's health has severely declined the past year. Over those months this sub has been my go-to source for something that would bring at least some glimmer of amusement and mirth to what have been some terrible days for him. He died a few days ago and I wanted to say thank you for...

I lost a hundred and twenty pounds recently!

She broke up with me yesterday.

Hong Kong

I was shopping in Hong Kong recently. I bought twenty bucks worth of groceries and paid with a hundred bill.

The shop owner gave me the bag of goods and went on to serve the next customer.

I was livid! "Where's my money? I bought twenty and paid with a hundred! You owe me eighty doll...

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A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt

"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.

The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and ...

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