UPJOKE
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101 Jokes

101 lemmings walk into a bar

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I signed up for Binary 101, but failed it miserably.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

I just finished the book “101 mating positions”, and I was really disappointed.

Turns out—-it’s a book about chess.

Marketing 101

A professor explained about marketing to MBA students.
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party, you go to her and say I am rich, marry me. That's direct marketing.
2. You attend a party and your friend goes to the girl to tell her, he's rich, marry him. That's advertising.
3. The same g...

Gold Bricking 101

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father, and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the...

Logic 101

Nothing is better than eternal happiness.
A cheese sandwich is better than nothing.
Therefore, a cheese sandwich is better than eternal happiness.

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Logic 101

Mitch sees Nick, an old friend, and walks up to him: "Where have you been? Haven't seen you for a while at the pub. Wanna join us on the card game tonight?"

"I can't. I have a lecture in an hour."

"A lecture? Aren't you too old to study?"

"You're never too old to study the logic...

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I just took my Pornography 101 final exam. It wasn't hard.

I failed

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...

A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.

The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"

"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"

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Relationship 101

I Recently broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop gaining weight. I know I know that makes me sound like a dick but in my defense there’s no way I’m ready to be a father

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Weekend

A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how ...

101 ways to stop eating meat...

Number 34: Cold Turkey

Jokez 101

I am a very big fan of white boards,



there're quite re-markable

How to speak British 101.

*" For Folks Sake."*

Thats it.

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Logic 101

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, Im tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think Ill go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."

Jim Bob thinks its a ...

Civics 101

I told my son "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said "No!"

I told him "She is Bill Gates daughter."
He said "Okay."

I called Bill Gates and I said "I want your daughter to marry my son."
He said "No!"

I told him "My son is the CEO of the World Bank."
He said "Ok...

Believe it or not, I’ve never seen 101 Dalmatians.

Only a dozen at most.

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Dating 101

Heres what you do:

1. Dinner
2. Kiss
3. Movie
4. Sex
5. Bring her back home
6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting

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You hear about the dude who failed Masturbation 101?

He couldn't get a grip on it.

Why did the Mexican fail English 101?

He wouldn't turn in his essay

Graft 101.

A Mayor in a small town is trying to secure bids to repair the town's Main Street Bridge. He finds three contractors - one from Cincinnati, one from New York, and one from Washington, D.C. - and invites them all to town to bid on the job.

The Cincinnati man arrives first, inspects the job si...

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Dad joke 101

A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

Communication 101

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?" So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?" But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter dis...

I once read a book called binary 101

It was 5

I stole this from my IT classroom

Professor gives a final to all 800 of his students in Psych 101

As time draws near, all the students are clearly stressed out, desperately trying to answer all the questions except one.

The professor counts down the last 10 seconds on his watch and calls out to the hall, "Time is up, pencils down, pass your exams up to the front." All the students put do...

How to read 101

Step one: read this, if you can't skip to step two.

Step two: follow step one.

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In 101 Dalmatians there were 99 problems and bitches were approximately half of them

This got banned from Showerthoughts for being a pun, and I knew you guys liked puns so here we are!

There are 101 nuns on a bus....

They are all going on a trip. The head Mother Superior stand up and faces all the nuns. She says

"There seem to a problem going on in our church"

99 nuns gasp and one snickers.

She then hold up a condom and says
"I had found this in our chapel"

99 nuns g...

Employee placement 101

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.

b. If they are recounting...

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Welcome to the "Masturbation 101" course. This is quite sudden, but there will be a test next week.

I hope all of you will come

How to avoid clickbait 101

Now you know

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A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The only "A+" in the class read:

"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

Yes, I'm a professor. I teach intercourse 101 and my wife is the only student.

She's getting a D

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Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night with Paddy the Pilot and Seamus the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".

"You're not fookin kiddin Paddy", replied Seamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.

"...

How does a computer respond to a good joke?

101

One the first day of class, the professor writes their name on the chalkboard and says "Welcome to Anthropology 101. Every student here is guaranteed to pass because of how little I care about teaching..."

"Seriously folks, I don't give an F."

Stupid joke I made up, 101: Where does a sandwich go when it gets good grades?

Honor roll.

I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book called "101 ways to improve your confidence".

I couldn't buy it though, the cashier would have laughed at me......

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[NSFW] Sailor Smitty has retired after a long life at sea, and decides to go to college.

One of the first classes he takes is “Human Sexuality 101.” Why not?

On the first day of class the professor says “We will be discussing a variety of human sexual combinations and experiences. There are a great many… “

Sailor Smitty shouts “104!”

The professor says “That...

What was the first online class?

Drying laundry 101

Yesterday, I chose to only use binary.

Yesterday, I decided to stick to binary only, instead of the decimal system.
I went to the grocery store and I saw: "£10." I thought, "wow, that product is 101 times cheaper today!"

What’s black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and

white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and ...

Who are the world's fastest reader...

911 victims they went through 101 stories in 9.2 seconds

A meteorologist, a biologist, and a mathematician are eating breakfast.

They are sitting on a hill overlooking an office building which has just opened for the day. As they eat, they see 100 business people enter and 101 exit.

The meteorologist says, "Well within my margin of error".

The biologist says, "I suppose one of them gave birth".

The mathem...

How many idiots does it take to paint a wall?

101 - one to hold the brush and the other 100 to move the wall.

I raised money for charity by dressing up as Cruella De Ville.

I had 101 donations.

A CHP officer noticed a car going extremely slowly down a freeway…

It was going a little over 10 mph according to his radar gun, and as it was completely screwing up the rest of traffic, he decided to pull it over.

He notices that the driver is a blonde woman, and proceeds to go through the typical routine.

"Do you know why I pulled you over ma'am?" h...

Did you hear about the new Chinese cookbook?

101 Ways To Wok Your Dog

I asked the librarian for level 5 programming books.

Instead he gave me some programming 101 book. I don't why.

Thankfully it's not another virus we have to worry about.

The police have found a large number of dead crows on the 101 just north of
Ventura early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed
the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
Th...

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Life Lesson

A man sits down on a park bench next to a little boy. The man notices the boy is eating chocolate bars, one after another.

After a few minutes, the man says "You won't live very long, eating candy like that."

The boy replies, "I don't know, my grandfather lived to be 101 years old."<...

Computer Science major walks into an English class

The Professor says "Welcome to English 101".

The student panicks.

"What's wrong?" asks the Professor.

"I missed the first 4 English classes".

Late katherine Johnson was such a gifted Mathematician

That when she died at age 101 she was in her prime.

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A married couple has run out of money..

They decide that the only solution is that the wife turn to the oldest profession to help them make ends meet.

The husband drops her off at the street corner and tells her he'll be back to pick her up at the end of the night.

When he arrives to pick her up he asks: "So, how much did y...

With the quarantine, California highway patrol's job suddenly got a lot more boring.

There was a trooper on the side of the 101 fighting to keep his eyes open, as there was empty road as far as he could see. Suddenly, he heard the roar of a charger zip past him. He flicked on his lights and siren and went after it. He clocked them going at 100MPH!

The car quickly pulled ov...

They’ve written a sequel to The Martian where a hundred rescuers attempt to rescue a stranded man on mars, only to fail.

It’s title.

101 Dull Martians

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suicide bombing class...

Welcome to Suicide Bombing Class 101. Listen carefully because i'm only going to say this once.

A psychiatrist decides to visit a psychiatric hospital

He is curious what the psychiatric patients do in their free time. He enters the recreational area and sees that the patients have set up a table as a stage. One by one, the patients climb up and say a number. The audience laughs each time.

The psychiatrist is confused, so he asks one of the ...

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College Anatomy class

A professor at a university was starting a lecture for his new students.

He says "Welcome to college anatomy 101 where we'll be discussing everything about the human body. Some things that we'll discuss may make you feel a little awkward, but don't worry about that."

To test the leve...

Disney just announced plans for an animated adaptation of Dante's Inferno

They're calling it, "101 Damnations."

So I was telling my dad

That the entire team that worked on finding Nemo had to take fish biology 101. Then he says "so does it ever bother you that the fish are talking?"

That was the hardest I laughed in a while

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Logic

Two friends were sitting in a bar one night and one said to the other, "You know I'm tired of being stupid. I think I'm going to go to college." The other man just laughs at him in disbelief.


The next morning the guy goes to the local community college and tells them he wants to start. T...

Three friends at the bar...

- The first: "You know... my wife wants two children after seeing Hansel and Gretel"
- The second: "My wife instead wants seven children after seeing Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs"
- The third: "Umh I have to go, my wife is watching 101 Dalmatians".

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A man goes to college, and upon arrival, finds that he needs to take an extra science class for his major.

He asks his friend which science class is easiest, and his friend responds “Ornithology 101. I never even had to show up.”
So the man registers for Ornithology, and never actually goes to the class. However, a few weeks before the final, he realizes he need to do very well on the final to pas...

A scientist friend of mine went to a meeting

This meeting was for the U.S. Army to start training and using more types of animals in
combat. He goes to the meeting because they think he can help train the animals. When he gets to the building, he asks the receptionist where the meeting is. She replies that the meeting is on floor 101 and t...

A kid was selling newspapers...

A kid was selling newspapers. He was yelling, "Boy cheats 100 fools!" to catch people's attention. A man walking by was interested and bought a newspaper. As he walked away with the newspaper, he heard the boy start yelling, "Boy cheats 101 fools!"

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