UPJOKE

More Often Than Jokes

Why do men fart more often than women?

Because women don't close their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.

Why do kids get bloody noses more often than adults?

Sharpe fingernails!

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

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A study has found that people who smoke cannabis have sex 20% more often than people who don't. I can confirm this is true.

I've been having a lot more sex since I got caught with all that weed and sent to prison.

What is something that you own that others use it more often than you do?

Your name.

Have you heard men get hit by lightning 6x more often than women?

The kitchen must be a very safe place

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When God created man, all of the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The Brain said that since he controlled the body that he should be boss.

The Eyes said that without them man would be helpless, they should be boss.

The Legs said that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.

The Stomach said that since it digested the ...

Youtube has now gone down

on me more often than my wife for the past 13 years

It's a sad moment when you realize

the trash goes out more often than you do.

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Women are a lot like cats

You wanna bring that pussy home, but more often than not, it already belongs to someone else

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Customer satisfaction

Don't think I've seen this posted here so here goes

A company executive decided to have lunch at this restaurant with rave reviews. He sat down at a table and noticed that every waiter had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He called a waiter over to ask him about this.

'I noticed somethin...

I don't need to check my smoke detectors every month

because my wife cooks more often than that

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I have a mixed feeling about shaggy dog stories.

On one hand, I enjoy them a lot. A joke that takes that much of a setup and has such a tiny payoff is great, not only because the former is disproportionately larger than the latter, but because it can be so anticlimactic it's downright silly. It's a great kind of joke to tell unsuspecting people, e...

Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?

More often than not, they were called "peasants"

In the year 2030,

In the year 2030, space travel was expanding more than ever, and life science was seeing new revolutions every few weeks. Inventions in robotics and engineering were being created almost daily. But this new world came with a downside, the amount of harsh chemicals in the air were causing cancer to d...

My barber said this today

I used to put out fires at the local airport and I had marshmallows in my toolbox. They thought I was a little weird, but I told 'em "More often than not, you're just gonna sit back and watch it burn anyway, might as well have some marshmallows."
One day an experimental plane crashed with six p...

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You've Been Programming Too Long When...

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omit...

A young man follows in his father's footsteps... (Long)

The father chopped wood


The son chopped wood


The father built the family home


The son helped expand it


The father did many manual labor jobs to feed the family


The son sacrificed schooling to help at these jobs


The father and son did ...

The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pock...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. [Long]

There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. The school used to come in the news fairly regularly for nothing but their bullies. More often than not the school bullies used to line up the other students and hit them in the face. The consequences of not being presen...

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