UPJOKE
regularcommonfrequentlypredominantusualregularlysteadyunusualtypicalpatronizeshopsponsorhauntbuy atshop at

Frequently Jokes

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

I named my dog “5 miles.” So that I could frequently say,

.....“I am going to walk 5 miles now”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love clarified butter but it makes me urinate way too frequently

Ghee whizz

My favourite word in the English language is frequently

I try to use it as often as possible

The other day I learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when increased awareness of something causes you to create the illusion of it happening more frequently

I’ve been seeing a lot more examples of it lately

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frequently while mating, female mantises will bite the males' heads off. So why do male mantises still have sex with them?

Have you ever tried masturbating with spiked clampers for hands?

what's the name of those people who are frequently around musicians??

drummers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that the participants of the running of the bulls in Pamplona get so scared that they frequently poop their pants and the streets need to be cleaned frequently.

Turns out it was all bullshit.

People frequently tell me I'm condescending.

(meaning I talk down to people)

What is big, black, and frequently walked all over?

Asphalt.

I have noticed that the phrase 'due to' is being used more frequently lately...

...possibly due to Covid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Coffee drinkers have sex more frequently than non-coffee drinkers.

But I guess that's bound to be the case when you're awake nineteen hours a day.

I say "molto" frequently when speaking with my Italian neighbors.

It means ***a lot*** to them.

A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.

He is the seoul breadwinner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The gibbon is famous for being the most frequently masturbating animal in the entire world.

We'll see about that...

Why do spaniards frequently plagiarize essays?

Because nobody inspects the Spanish exposition!

Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids?

You gotta be alive to have autism.

I frequently lie awake at night...

...wondering what keeps insomniacs from sleeping.

Snoop Dogg must have the call the exterminator pretty frequently

He's been dealing with a lot of roaches over the years.

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID

none of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently

What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

Would you like ketchup with your chips?

What do you call frequently angry glass

Tempered glass

I'm so sorry

A man with a family and a 5 year old daughter frequently visited his hot neighbour at her house in morning.

But the neighbour had a son who was about 6 years old. One day, as a way to distract and have some private time with his mother, he said

A: Go to the patio and look at my house to see if anyone's there. If you find anyone inform me.

The son went as usual to check the neogbour's hous...

What did the Frequently Asked Question say when it stubbed it's toe?

"FAQ!"

What do you call something that is often frequently taken but is not wanted most of the time?

Tests

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I recently got engaged, and used to visit my future in-laws' house quite frequently...

My fiance had a step sister, who used to tease me a lot. She used to stared at me across the dining table, used to bend down while wearing a skirt, etc.

A couple of days before the wedding, she called me at the house to help her make the invitation cards. When I arrived, there was no one at t...

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex begged me frequently to drag my balls across her face(nfsw)

Turns out she's sackreligous.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a snowman that frequently has sexual intercourse?

A snowplow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Annoyed by a professor who frequently used “off-color”

examples to augment class lectures, a group of students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme. Just before class the following day the professor bided time, touching on a few...

I once had a girlfriend who was obsessed with Sylvester Stallone movies, but at the time all I wanted to watch was Arnold Schwarzenegger. We'd argue frequently, but in the end she'd always win out.

Needless to say... It was a Rocky relationship.

What do you call a guy who checks his blood sugar frequently?

Sir Lance A. Lot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

Carobs grow on carob trees in warm climates. They are frequently transported to other regions by air.

Usually by pilots of the carob bean.

My mother-in-law frequently yells out a, e, i, o u and sometimes y very nastily.

I asked her why and she says she can't help it. She has irritable vowel syndrome.

I worked on a farm for 5 years so I used FarmersOnly.com pretty frequently

You didn't even need a pickup line, just a pickup truck

What do incel and Excel have in common?

Both frequently assume that things are dates, even though they are not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walking along a street, and happened to notice a sex shop.

'We have something for everyone!', the sign read.

His curiosity piqued, he walked in. The shopkeeper greeted the man, and offered a variety of toys. The man said, 'I am married, but you know, we don't really do it frequently'.

The shopkeeper said, 'I have just the thing for you.'
...

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So PornHub recently revealed what people all over the world were searching most frequently; finally answering a question I've always asked...

What is this world coming to!?

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

The Dog-sitter

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning so...

Middle age

It's a stage in life in which an average Italian, Spaniard, Balkan person or Eastern European (and nowadays more and more frequently a westerner too), stops living with their parents, and their parents start instead living with them (often without changing actual location).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was eating at a restaurant ...

When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are alway...

What do a bad computer and a bad racing team have in common?

Drivers that frequently crash

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see a palm reader today

He said "looking at your palms i can see you masturbate frequently".

"Sorry" i said "i probably should have wiped that off first ".

A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And POOF! She was a smartphone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife's favorite client invited us to his house.

Everyone had a great time but I thought it was strange when I realized he didn't have piano. My wife's a massage therapist and had mentioned that they frequently ended their sessions with entertainment provided by the pianist.

My Grandparents were Trekkies, and named my father after their favourite Captain

when I was young, I was frequently hoisted by my own Picard

My friend always gets mad at me for calling her a hindu

Maybe if she’d stop saying “Holy cow!” so frequently...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know, I never really trusted my toilet.

He is just so frequently full of shit.

My dad was a successful contractor.

He frequently contracted chlamydia.

I used to work the front desk at this small car repair shop.

It was owned by a couple of guys, Jack and Jay. Both guys were really well known and liked around town but Jack never seemed to come into the shop.

People would come in frequently looking for Jack and I would tell them “Jays here but Jacks off all day.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bono and u2 were performing at a gig in scotland

And as you all will know, bono is a cause celebre for all sorts of charity aid, world peace, ending hunger, heal the world etc that sort of thing. He jets around the world having concerts and all that for the benefit of others and frequently raises this at his concerts.

He begins this concert...

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE ADD:

1) Easily distracted
2) Frequently lose your train of thought 3) Unfinished projects

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A therapist runs his business out of a parking garage...

He frequently meets people that are going through a lot.

Efficient Jokes

A bunch of redditors, hanging frequently on /r/Jokes realized that all jokes were reposts.
To make their lives easier, they numbered the jokes. Instead of blah-blah-Irishman-blah-blah-naked in refrigerator-blah, they just posted numbers.
\- 5
Have an upvote!

\- 45
Oh, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.