3 friends walk into a room.

Never seen this joke on here, but I’m gonna be honest, also didn’t check or look for it first.

An engineer, a scientist, and a theoretical mathematician walk into a room. A fire breaks out and the scientist grabs the fire extinguisher and squirts one tiny spot and the fire goes out.

T...

What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?

an honorable discharge.

(made this one up at work)

Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

Chris the tractor salesman

Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tract...

I wanted to know more about the people who’s job it is to squirt Gatorade into the mouths of football players.

Did a Google search for “Professional Squirters”. I won’t make that mistake again.

Reasons the idiot couldn't kill himself.

He couldn't find the tailpipe on his Tesla.

He jumped in front of a model train.

The bullets wouldn't fit in the squirt gun.

He overdosed on placebo pills.

He jumped off a low bridge.

He stuck a plastic fork in an outlet.

He doused himself in diesel and trie...

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

I had a pretty bad case of food poisoning this week. After a couple of days I decided it was time to update my pronouns.

Her/She/Squirts

I Like Women Who Squirt

Ketchup all over my french fries.

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

I walked into my sister squirting herself with a carrot...

I said "Damn, I was going to eat that but now it tastes like carrot."

A man squirts his girlfriend with a squirting gun

A man squirts water on his girlfriend’s skirt with a squirting gun.

His girlfriend starts laughing hysterically, and the man asks why.

“Well you see, you finally got me wet!”

Blood donor

I was chatting with a donor before I drew his blood, and he was a dentist. When I drew his blood, there was a little squirt of blood and it surprised him. I looked him deeply in the eyes and told him, “you’re bleeding because you don’t floss”

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I am sitting on the toilet with the squirts.

Yes. This is a shitpost.

I accidentally squirted ketchup in my eye

I now have Heinzsight

I was rushed into the ER because my son squirted glue into my eye.

It was an eye-opening experience.

I was eating a hotdog the other day and when I took a bite ketchup squirted in my eye.

Now I have heinzsight

I love these balls, they squirt in my mouth.

These bagel bites are so good.

-credit to my wife

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What happens if you have sex with a Mcdonalds employee and you make her squirt?

She charges you 25 cents for extra sauce.

A Man goes to a bar with his friend at his friend favourite bar after they are few drinks down someone yells 26

Everyone starts laughing including his friend and this guy is confused he asks his friend what's happening before his friend can answer someone else shouts 94 everyone including his friend is in splits now the guy starts getting really confused. After few moments of silence someone says 153 eve...

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The Physics Professor says "Explain the Uncertainty Principle."

The student stand up. He says:

There's four nuns and they want to know about a penis so they ask the vicar and he says "Okay each of you have a feal."

Afterwards the first nun says: The penis is soft like the flowers in a meadow.

The second nun says: You are wrong my sister, ...

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If you think female squirt isn't piss…

Then Urine for a big surprise

What is it called when a man feels bad for squirting on a woman?

Cumpassion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a stripper who also works as a hooker who is known for squirting?

Krystal Geyser.

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The Story of Suzy Sandpaper (Long)

A young Marine was deployed on a Navy ship. It put into port in Bangkok for a weekend, but he was told he had security duty, and couldn't go into town with his fellow Marines. All weekend he stood sentry at the ship, hearing from his comrades about the gorgeous girls working the local brothels, an...

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How can you tell if an orange is male or female?

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.

Why did the drill instructor squirt condiments on his trainees in the morning?

That's how he mustard the troops.

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

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Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".

"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the w...

I've squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby's face...

...and she's still crying. Parenting is hard

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I get pulled over and the officer says “do you have alcohol in the car?

Me: yes officer, do you want some?

Officer: are you trying to bribe me?

Me: no officer, I’m just being friendly

Officer: I don’t know where you’re from, but around here offering an officer alcohol is not friendly

Me: I’m sorry officer. I really think you could use some th...

My mom always called me squirt as a child.

She said it had something too do with the way I was conceived.

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I got home late last night went to bed to try to wake the missus up for some fun

I sneak under the blankets and start licking her out, after about 5 minutes she screams squirts all over my face. I head to the bathroom, splash a heap of water in my face look in the mirror and find my girlfriend behind me. I get startled and yell "Fuck you scared the shit out of me" she replies "s...

I don’t get why y’all complain about hand sanitizer only killing 99.9% of germs.

Just take two squirts and it’ll kill 199.8% of the germs on your hand!

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Four men are stranded on a deserted island

After wandering for days, they finally come upon a small shack in the distance. Unsure of its safety, one friend volunteers to investigate while the other three stay behind.

Taking a deep breath, the bravest of the friends walks through the front door and finds a witch waiting for him.
...

How come you didn't name me after you Dad?

We named you after your Mom, squirt.

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Shotgun to the Crotch

Lem and Ephis are out hunting. They take a break to take a squirt in the woods when one of the dogs knocks over one of the shotguns. The gun goes off and hitting Ephis directly in the crotch.

Ephis screams in pain!

"Oh my God, Ephis!" says Lem, "We're going to have to get you to see ...

Every year my boyfriend gets me with one of those damned trick candles.

You know, the ones where you blow and you blow and you blow, and then they squirt you in the face.

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

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Porn Parody Movie Titles

My friends and I play this game when we drink or when we wanna pass the time while at work. Looking for some more to use.
Pornoize movie titles, examples

Pacific Rim Job

Squirt Locker

Lord of the Cock Rings

Ect

My parents are having custody battle right now. My mom’s argument to the judge is that she gave birth to me. My dad said...

I was his little squirt

Why did Louis CK hire a babysitter?

He needed someone to watch his little squirts.

Guy walks up to a bar and orders a Pee Wee Hurman

Bartender says, never heard of it whats in it?

Jack and squirt.

Why was the ketchup feeling bad?

Because it had the squirts.

Courtesy of my 8 year old nephew

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Holy Shit!

The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.

This evening I was getting the c...

Bug in the Barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udde...

The Big Horse Race

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey ...

Do you guys remember Paul the Octopus?

The one who predicted Spain winning the World Cup some years ago?

Well, a friend of mine told me that if you get hit in the face with the ink of an octopus from there, you can see your future self and predict the future.

I called him out on it at first, but curiosity got the best of me...

I called my boss this morning and said

"I'm not coming in today, I've got the squirts."

He said, "I'm fed up with this, it's the same time every week!"

I said, "I can't help it, my wife has community service on Tuesdays and we can't find a babysitter."

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Grandma's cookies

Little Jimmy was visiting his grandparents one day and noticed grandpa was getting ready to go fishing and asked if he could come with.

"Can your dick reach around to your ass?" asked grandpa.

"Well, no, it can't" said jimmy.

"Well then sorry squirt, you can't go".

Grandm...

A farmer went to milk his cow

A farmer went to milk his cow. He put the bucket down under the udders and started milking, but after a few seconds, the cow took her left leg and knocked the bucket over. The farmer sighed and found a piece of rope and tied the left leg to the pillar on the left and went back to milking.

Aft...

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[nsfw] A Husband comes home from work early

He finds a strange man in his bedroom
"Who the hell are you?! Where is my wife?"
"She's in the shower" the man replies.
The husband furious says " Don't you tell her I'm here ! I'm going to hide in the closet and see what she has to say about this."
When the wife comes out she quickly d...

A man with vision problems...

A man and his family have had a long history of problems with their eyesight, most remedied by prescription glasses. He's in his forties now when he starts to lose the overall quality of his vision and starts going to various doctors.

He gets prescribed a pair of prescription glasses and to n...

Abracadabra

A blonde, brunette, and a red are frolicking on the beach when the blonde suddenly trips over a bottle in the shape of a phallus.

Blonde: What is this? What do we do with it?

Red head: We're supposed to rub it silly!

So they huddle around the bottle and using both hands they all...

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Dave's shitty luck

There was a man named Dave, and he was going on a hunting trip with his buddies. Luckily he's at the campsite when all of a sudden he gets a bad case of the Hershey squirts. Dave runs to the nearest tree and let's it rip all over the tree. In fact he's there so long he falls asleep. His friends come...

A Policeman, Heart Surgeon, Lawyer, Grandfather and his Grandson are flying in on a plane...

...They hear this load bang, and then some alarms go off.

"Uh...This is your captain speaking. We seem to have taken damage to our engines and the plane is going down. Please grab a parachute and exit the plane immediately. Because this is not a ship, I don't plan on going down with it"
<...

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A woman finds out about her cheating husband......

....from her friends on a night out, so,
full of wine, bitterness and anger, her friends send her home in a taxi, she arrives home wanting revenge on this cheating shit,
grabbing a sharp knife from the kitchen, she heads for the bedroom,
there he is, fast asleep, she slowly pulls the cover...

Stopped for a beer on my way home from work...

Stopped for a beer on the way home and overheard this interaction

Female bartender: It's funny that you call it a squirt bottle instead of a spray bottle

Male bartender: Well all bottles can squirt... They just have to be comfortable with themselves...

Man walks into a McDonalds.

Cashier: "Hello welcome to McDonalds, can I take your order?"

Man: "Hi, let me get a Bigmac value meal. Burn the lettuce, burn the onions, burn the ketchup, burn the fries... hell, burn the soda- but remember to fill up the cup to the brim with ice so that it takes up half the volume. Burn ev...

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