My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

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Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

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A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, yes sir, may we help you? There's something wrong with my dick, he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, you shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that.

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said.

we do not use language like that here, she said. Please go outside and come back in and say that there's so...

I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.

He’ll come around, eventually.

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I just think marathons are way too much running.

I Accidentally Put a Two-Inch Post in the Wrong Place

Good thing it was only a small misstake

I admit I was wrong about my chiropractor.

I stand corrected.

i got a wrong fast food order delivered today with NOTHING in it

i wanted mcdonalds but got jack in the box

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

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If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....

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Having sex in an elevator is wrong.

On so many levels.

You may think I’m wrong for stealing kitchen utensils

...but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

I want to make a trivia show for rednecks where wrong answers cost them their hair.

I'll call it "Mullet Over."

"Social credit system , censorship of any info that does not fit their narrative , Demonization of people with wrong think " You know who I am talking about.

Reddit

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

What i If told you:

You read the title wrong.

A woman is watching the news, and it says that there is a car driving down the wrong side on the road her husband takes to work.

Worried, she calls her husband and says: ‘be careful on the road, there’s a car driving the wrong way where you are’

The husband replies, ‘I know...

But there’s not just one car, there’s hundreds of them!’


Sorry if this has been posted before, couldn’t find it from searching...

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A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ''Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have s...

I bought a used time machine at a garage sale, but it took me to the wrong time

They don’t make them like they’re going to used to have anymore

People keep telling me I don’t have Friends, but they are wrong.

I have all 10 seasons on DVD.

What goes wrong when a boy likes a girl?

Everything.

A vampire calls his doctor, "Someting is very, very wrong."

When I pee, there is no blood!

Throwing acid is wrong...

...In some people's eyes

My dentist removed the wrong tooth.

It was accidental.

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My therapist told me to write letters to everyone that had done me wrong, and then set them on fire.

Well I did that, so now what do I do with the letters?

somethings are wrongly named like "housefly"

it can't even lift up a window, how the hell it supposed to make my house fly ?

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The Wrong trousers

A man is drinking all day in a bar when he suddenly vomits on himself. " I can't go home like this," he tells his friend " if my wife sees me drunk and covered in puke again she will leave me," his friend thinks for a moment '' just put 20 bucks in your shirt pocket and say another guy puked on you ...

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Billy's mom comes home. "Billy, what's wrong?" -"Dad hanged himself in the attic!" he said in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling.
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

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A man goes to see a sex therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"

"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.

The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.

"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie jus...

I used to think that adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong.

It turns out, adulthood is multiple crises, concurrently.

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"There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's"

...said the guy who didn't just shove a bunch of Reese's in his ass.

My ex had an accident and I told the paramedics the wrong blood type.

Now she’ll finally learn about rejection.

I called a dwarf by the wrong name.

He wasn't Happy.

Did you hear the story about the blind guy that was wrongly accused of cheating on his wife?

He wasn’t seeing other people.

Why didn't the human anatomy professor tell her students they dissected the wrong body?

... She didn't have the heart to tell them.

What do you call it when a fluffer does his job wrong?

A fluffer nutter

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

What do you call a crocodile that goes for the wrong hole?

Analigator!

I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

In the future, whenever they try to give examples of what can go wrong due to bad decisions, they will point to this year...

Coz hindsight is 2020.

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Wrong plane babe

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN ...

What is worse than getting a wrong call at 3am in the morning?

Getting a correct one.

A dwarf walks into a bar, he's very, very thirsty.

The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side.

He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He jumps up and down, saying ev...

A beautiful young woman who is very liberated, walks into a bar completely naked. She stands in front of the bartender and says "I'll take a cold beer!" The bartender serves her the beer and stares at her, not moving. "What's wrong?" she says "Haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"

"Yes, many times!" the bartender replies
Then why do you look? the woman asks.
"I want to see where you're going to get the money to pay for the beer!"

Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?

It’s eel-eagle.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

Recently I wrote ‘blender’ with the wrong vowel

It was a blunder

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Why did the semen cross the road?

I put the wrong socks on this morning

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

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The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it

So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot

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What happens when a pianist fingers the wrong minor

The police cums

A Canadian tells an American he's spelling everything wrong. The American responds:

no u

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Joe's wife was sick. Very sick. None of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with her.

He was about to go into her room and visit her when her doctor approached him.

The doctor said, "These might be her last few days, so you should do whatever she asks of you, so that she may die happy."

Well... Joe thought this over and decided that that was a great idea. He went in and...

Guy goes to a doctor and says I'm really sick, don't know what's wrong with me. Doctor says wow, I don't know what this is - so I will need a stool sample, a urine specimen, and and sperm sample.

Guy says, Doc I'm kind of in a hurry. Can I just leave you my shorts?

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There is nothing wrong with sex on TV

...as long as you don't fall off.

A bar walks into Albert Einstein.

Oops, wrong frame of reference.

Sir Mixalot was wrong.

Silicon parts are made for non-stick cooking ware.

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After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

What does the geometrist say when he's proven wrong?

"You're right, I guess I never considered that angle"

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Whoever says Asian men have small dicks is wrong!

I knew this Vietnamese banker, and he had a lot of dong

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"



The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"



The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.



When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


...

I went to the wrong funeral

It was a grave mistake

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A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

A bus driver was heading down a street. He went right past a stop sign without stopping. Next he turned left where there was a "no-left turn" sign. Finally he went the wrong way down a one-way street. He didn't break any traffic laws. How?

He was walking.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

Teacher: How do you spell wrong?

Teacher: How do you spell wrong?
Student:R-O-N-G
Teacher: that’s wrong
Student: that’s what you asked for

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Good long one this!

One day an old man got a call from the FBI. The caller told him “We have noticed large amounts of money going in and out of your account, please come see us on Monday” The old man sat there for a second and thought, I should get myself a lawyer. So on Monday he walks to the office and the assistant ...

What did the woman say when I put it in the wrong hole?

NTA

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How are condoms and poop bags alike?

If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.

Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after s...

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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could dea...

A blonde woman was getting tired of all the blonde jokes she heard, so she dyed her hair and set out to prove them wrong while “undercover”

She came across a huge heard of sheep and saw their shepherd.

“Hey! If I can correctly count all your sheep, can I have one?” she asked, eyeing a chance to prove blondes could at least do basic math.

The bored shepherd answered, “Yeah, sure”.

The blonde set about counting and...

Everyone knows 2 wrongs don't make a right, but what does 2 rights make?

An airplane

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

Two rights don't make a wrong...

The third Reich makes it wrong.

Somethings wrong with my touch screen...

... and I can’t put my finger on it

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said "NOTHING"

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I'm not sexist, because being sexist is wrong

and being wrong is for women

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Wrong place

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good “house of ill repute.” He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St., the office of a chiropodist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised bu...

In fact, religious persons are not much different from atheists…

There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.


The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, ...

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

Wrong Prescription!

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

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I took my son to see Santa today for the first time, but as soon as he sat on his knee, he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's this job man, I fucking hate it."

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

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Are my testicles black

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replie...

Four men are in the hospital

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."

"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! ...

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..

A classic in honor of my cake day!


John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman in an elevator.

A little Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:

'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The Irishman faints and falls t...

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