UPJOKE
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Wrong Jokes

Fat shaming is wrong.

They have enough on their plate already.

Teacher asks Johnny, "What's Wrong?"

Johnny :- Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny, are you asleep?'

I say No & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye

Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.

The fol...

Everyone’s heard of Cunningham’s Law - “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

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Am I wrong?

I discovered a month -old text on my wife's phone.
It said, "Babe, I've sent you $300. Give your husband $100 and keep the rest for your sexy self."
I texted him back: "Hi, this is her husband. I never got my money. Please talk to her."

Cop : you are driving on the wrong side of the road

Driver: Sorry, I‘m English

Cop: (shouting) Oii.. It‘s the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

He got the order wrong

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

My dentist removed the wrong tooth.

It was accidental.

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

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Why is it wrong to have sex with a nun?

It’s incest to have sex with sisters.

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

I called a dwarf by the wrong name.

He wasn't Happy.

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I apologised to my girlfriend during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub

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I hate when a girl says the wrong name during sex

They know my name isnt Someone Help

I tell it in the wrong order.

Why am i bad at telling jokes?

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Is it wrong to have sex before you're married?

Only if it makes you late for the ceremony!

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18,...

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong...

I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.

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You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round...

It’s fucked

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

I went to my blonde doctor to ask what was wrong with me

I sat in the blonde doctor's office and told her I was feeling tired and short of breath. She took out her stethoscope, placed it against my chest and listened for a moment.

"You have an iron deficiency.", she said

"You can tell that just from listening to my heartbeat?", I asked.
<...

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Having sex in an elevator is wrong

on so many levels

Wrong Number

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon an...

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Wrong queue !

This girl was a prostitute, but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
Sh...

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

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A was man drowning his sorrows at the bar. A beautiful woman sat down beside him and asked, “What is wrong?”

He said: “My wife just left me because I am too kinky in bed.”

The lady gasped, “My husband left me for the same reason!”

A few drinks later, they end up at her place and she says: “I’m going to the bathroom to change into something ‘more comfortable.’

Ten minutes later, she ...

Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?

It’s eel-eagle.

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...

What’s wrong with grown adults that regularly mess up they’re/there/their?

Their stupid

Sir Isaac Newton was completely WRONG about apples

They don't fall to the ground because of gravity.

It's natural selection.

Trees that produce apples that fall upwards don't have offspring

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I just got wrongfully fired from my job for "being in a state of constant sexual arousal"

Which is absolutely ridiculous. Everyone around me knows that I'm a dedicated employee who is always hard at work.

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I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong.

And being wrong is for women.

"If you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room"

I don't want to brag, but I'm never in the wrong room.

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An Irish man bursts into a bar and demands a beer. He pounds it and slams it back and demands another. The bartender asks what's wrong?

The Irish man angrily slams the second beer and says, "You know, you build 100 roads for the community. But do they call you Seamus the road builder? No!"

He orders another beer and slams it back. "You build 1000 walls for the villages. But do they call you Seamus the wall builder? No!"
...

Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number

You answered the wrong phone

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Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.

Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus

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Billy's mom comes home. "Billy, what's wrong?" -"Dad hanged himself in the attic!" he said in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling.
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

Two wrongs don't make a right.

But three lefts do.

Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair?

Because they can't stand up for themselves.

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My Asian girlfriend told me there's nothing wrong with having a little penis.

I still wish she didn't have one, though...

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

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Funny ‘wrong’ punchline

When I was younger the phone company, had a slogan/jingle “ reach out, reach out and touch someone”

The Joke going around was… what do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?

Answer: a 35 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

When I asked my girl ...

Why is it wrong to drive a van with 2 lawyers off a cliff?

Because you could have fit 20 of them.

Vegans proven wrong again

If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food?

Check mate vegans

You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...

shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.

The Wrong Suits

Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones died on the same day. No problem for the mortuary, they had two chapels and could do two funerals at the same time.

Mrs. Smith wanted her husband buried in his gray suit, Mrs Jones wanted her husband buried in his blue pinstripe suit. Shortly before the services t...

Elmo gone wrong…

A new hire at Hasbro was assigned to quality control on the Tickle Me Elmo line.

After an hour, the line foreman saw the line grind to a stop. Frustrated workers are yelling, stepping away from the machines, and angrily looking towards the end of the line.

There is the new hire, furi...

Is it wrong to hate a specific race

Because I really hate marathons

I told my dad my neck hurt cause I slept wrong

He said the only thing you do, you can’t do right?

It's wrong to call childbirth delivery.

Actually, it's take-out.

Wrong number

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.
...

As a British man, it’s clear that America does pretty much everything wrong, from their measurements to their politics, except for one small thing:

Unlike us, Americans drive on the right side of the road.

What was so wrong with USA...

...that they had to go and make USB?

Old Lady Takes her Husband to the Doctor. doctor asks whats wrong,"What did he say " says the old man. "he asked whats wrong" says the old lady.

She tells the doctor the old mans problems, he keeps asking what was said, and she repeats it all to him in a loud voice..At the end the doctor tells her he will need a Urine Sample and a Fecal sample. The old man says "what did he say" the old lady tells him "He wants to see your underpants"

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."

The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."

The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"

"Start? Today's the last day."

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I just think marathons are *way* too much running

Throwing acid is wrong...

...in some people’s eyes.

Meta: I told the (old) joke wrong!

I was at a restaurant with a group of people and one of them told the three legged dog goes into a bar joke. I replied with the farmer and the three legged sheep joke. There was a couple at the next table who complained I messed up the joke as it was supposed to be a pig. They were seriously mad at ...

People keep telling me that I don’t have Friends, but they’re wrong.

I have all 10 seasons on DVD.

I ordered the wrong canvas for my boat’s mast, but I think it’s too late to cancel.

That sail has shipped.

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong.........

the ship sinks and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Bill and Donna .

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Donna felt absolutely horrible about what ...

There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant...

...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.

If 2 wrongs DID make a right...

You'd need 4 wrongs to invent an airplane.

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Me: *moans wrong name during sex*

Girlfriend: who the fuck is Danny DeVito?

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

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Wrong bank

A man walks into a sperm bank with a ski mask and a .45 pointed at the woman behind the counter."Open the safe " .The woman pleads "Sir is not that kind of Bank". "Open the safe and remove the contents" . She removed a test tube tray full of sperm samples. The man puts the gun in the woman's face an...

What word is spelled wrong on every dictionary.

Wrong

Why can't Apple brand shirts be worn the wrong way around?

They don't have backwards compatibility.

If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot

You’ve put it on the right foot.

My 9yr old daughter swears she just made that up. She said “you should put it on Reddit”

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

Wrong, just wrong.

I once dated a girl who talked about her ex- so much I ended up missing the guy.

My dad wronged me...

I brought home a test score of 90 and showed it to my dad. I thought he would praise me for it, but my dad took one look at the test script and said I added the "0" there. I got a big scolding and was grounded for the week. I really didn't add the "0".

I added the "9".

"What's wrong with your peas?" a man asked his son.

"They're too hard," was the reply.

"Let me take some from your plate and try them," said the father. "They don't seem that hard at all to me."

The boy replied, "That's because those are the ones I've been chewing the last 10 minutes."

What happens when vajazzeling goes wrong?

You end up with gemorrhoids

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Therapist tells his patient to write individual letters to everyone who wronged him and then burn them to gain some peace

Patient comes back the next week and says he's done what the therapist recommended. Then asks what he should do with the letters

I debated a flat earther once. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around eventually.

My buddy's wife has always rubbed me the wrong way

I always have to tell her to use more lube

What's Wrong?

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says “Oh just a beer”.

The bartender asked the man “What's wrong, why are you so down today?”.

The man said “My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a...

I was involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong.

We’ve been married three years now.

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Shit, I think I buried that body in the wrong hole.

It's a grave mistake.

Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks

Mom's Never Wrong

**Me** : Mom, I'm going to my Girlfriend's house !

**Mom** : Get a Safety Along ! Use contraceptives ;-)

**Me** : Mom, I', Just 15 !

**Mom** : And I'm Just 30 !!!

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole

Fair enough it was her sister's but still...

I like to date school teachers; if you do something wrong,

they make you do it over again.

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is.

I stand corrected.

Did you hear about the wrongly-convicted banana?

Don’t worry, he’s okay. He won on appeal

What do you call eating duck liver with the wrong fork?

A foie gras faux pas.

Horseback riding gone wrong

Last weekend my daughters and I were going to the grocery store but on the way I spotted a chance to go horseback riding and couldn't pass it up. So I got on the horse and immediately it started trying to buck me off. I'm desperately yelling for help and flailing around but all the people passing b...

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Wrong hole ! Turn her over !”

An older man who had finally grown tired of being a virgin wanted to finally lose his virginity. So he called up his buddy who was very good with the ladies and asked him if he would help him organize a night for him and a hooker.

“No problem, I’ve got a perfect plan”, says his buddy. “We’ll...

Me: You’re shoes are on the wrong feet.

4yo:

Me:

4yo:

Me:

4yo: I don’t have any other feet.

Me: Fair enough.

An Australian is aboard the wrong airplane

The flight attendant approaches them and says “I’m so sorry. I’m not sure how this mix-up happened but this plane is arriving in an entirely different country than your intended destination.”

The Australian says “No way.”

The flight attendant replies “Sweden, actually.”

I couldn't read my email so I asked my Magic 8-Ball what was wrong.

It told me, "Outlook unclear."

Some philosopher said “Change does not come from a place of comfort.”, but he was wrong.

I’m always finding loose coins in my couch.

I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil.

It wasn’t 2B.

Wrong side of the bed

Mother Superior wakes up one morning feeling great. She is fully rested and just knows the day will be a good one.

She gets up out of bed, throws on her robe, and goes down the hall to the bathroom. As she is walking down the hall she says good morning to one of the other nuns.
The nun sa...

they gave lie detectors the wrong name.

Should have called then facts machines

What do you call it when something goes wrong on a large boat?

A shipshow.

If I had 50 cents for every time I got a math problem wrong...

Id have $1.74

wrong answer

A guy shows up at his local pub with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asks the bartender.

"Oh, this morning my wife asked me where I would like to be buried," says the guy.

"So?" asks the bartender.

And the guy says, "Apparently, 'Balls deep in her sister' wasn't the answer...

The people at Starbucks keep getting my name wrong

And I've been working there for nine months now

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It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.

I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week…

My mum was not happy!

As a guy with dyslexia, I sometimes get on the wrong public transport on my way to work.

Oops. Wrong bus.

I filled out a form wrong and accidentally gave a patient a bag of the wrong blood type.

It was a Type-O

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What could possibly wrong with Hitchhiking Nun

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes: "I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".

And he sings this every five minutes.

At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the highway. Neil ha...

Two things went wrong today

1. My Wife got ran over by a bus 2. I lost my job at the bus company

My Latin teacher had this piece of luggage that used to claim I was doing something wrong.

It was an accusative case.

Suicide gone wrong [CORNY]

-Hey doc, so here's the thing, I felt really bad so I tried to kill myself with painkillers.
-Seriously? And what happened?
-After the first two, I felt much better.

I was wrongly fired from my job as a stage designer today...

I left without making a scene.

Did you hear about the rabbi who did the circumcision wrong?

He got the sack

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

“Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

“Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

“That's great!" sa...

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

Was I wrong?

My brother, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, bro," I told him.

A blonde woman was getting tired of all the blonde jokes she heard, so she dyed her hair and set out to prove them wrong while “undercover”

She came across a huge heard of sheep and saw their shepherd.

“Hey! If I can correctly count all your sheep, can I have one?” she asked, eyeing a chance to prove blondes could at least do basic math.

The bored shepherd answered, “Yeah, sure”.

The blonde set about counting and...

How do you know your prostate exam is going really wrong?

You've got two hands on your shoulders.

REM got it wrong, Kenneth

Hertz is the frequency. Watt is power.

Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...

I proved my wife wrong!

So, my wife said yesterday that I have started snoring, and its loud! I didn’t believe it. So, today, I am up all night to see if I actually snore. But nothing so far..
Proved her wrong!

Wrong Prescription!

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

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