I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

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The Christian says: “The Jews and Muslims are wrong.”

The Muslim says: “The Christians and Jews are wrong.”

The Jew says: “The Muslims and Christians are wrong.”

The Atheist says: “You *all* are *correct*.”

What was so wrong with USA...

...that they had to go and make USB?

A man was driving down highway 407 when a radio announcer said: “be warned of a car driving the wrong way along the highway”

The man, peeking out the window, scoffs to himself as he thinks “just one? All these idiots are going the wrong way!”

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Amazon won't refund me after sending me the wrong fertilizer.

This is some bullshit.

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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

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I was having sex with my girlfriend while watching tv, she suddenly says "wrong hole!!" I tell her, no im pretty sure its a winning hole

we were watching golf

A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:

“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”

What do you think is wrong with Dad?

Beats me!

I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

There's nothing more annoying than people who get their sayings wrong.

I mean, it's not rocket salad.

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

I can prove evolution wrong..

Humming birds have existed for thousands of years and they haven't learned the words yet.

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

Cop: Sir, you’re driving on the wrong side of the road.

Driver: Sorry, I’m English.

Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Being vegan is wrong!

I think it’s a huge missed steak.

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.

A man who says a woman's place is only in the kitchen is completely wrong

How the hell is she supposed to clean the rest of the house then?

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A man is walking down the beach when he sees a quadriplegic woman crying by herself. Trying to be kind he walks up and asks here what's wrong.

> "I've never been hugged", replies the woman.

The man figures it would be a nice thing to do, so he picks heer up and gives her a hug. She smiles. Then her face drops and she starts crying again.

> "What's the matter now?", asks the man.

> "I've never been kissed", ...

My friend told me you can't interchangeably use the words high and tall, so I proved him wrong

"The taller you are, the easier it is to see things."

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A man was walking on a beach when he saw a woman with no arms or legs crying. He asked what was wrong. She said:

"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."

He hugged her and kept walking. A few minuted later, he sees her crying again. He asked what was wrong now; She said:

"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."

He kissed her and kept walking. A few minutes...

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

Tell me ONE thing wrong with overstocking grocery shelves. Go on.

Aisle weight.

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

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Reporters Interview Gone Wrong!!!

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy...

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole

Fair enough it was her sister's but still...

A scientist told me my climate change denial was wrong, citing the horrific brush fires we see wiping out swathes of vegetation all over the world.

I told him they were just plants.

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Why can’t Crocodiles ever admit that they’re wrong?

Cause they live in Da Nile

I swallowed some vegan food down the wrong way.

I didn't announce to anyone I was eating it.

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Fuck me if I'm wrong but

I'm wrong

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

Something is wrong with my lawnmower— it only runs when it’s fully choked.

It is officially kinkier than I am!

Just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him him for over ten years.

Never knew he was a dentist.

I accidentally played the wrong note during a piano recital

It wasn't very sharp of me.

Do you know the saying "two wrongs don't make a right"

My parents didn't

A boss finds one of his blonde employees crying in her cubicle. He asks her what's wrong and she tells him, "My mom died!"

He tells her, "I'm sorry, you should take the rest of the day off to be with your family."

The blonde replies, "But that's not even the worse thing that happened... My sister just called, and her mom died too!"

My shrink thinks I’m looking for love in all the wrong places.

She said I can’t trust women who charge by the hour.

A coworker yesterday had some coffee go down the wrong way and he was having a time of it.

I asked if he was ok. He said, "yeah, that's why they call it 'cough-ee'"

I’m trying to think of a joke about waiting for the bus at the wrong bus stop.

But nothing is coming to me.

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Waht is wrong with me brain (hope no one's done this)

Think about this... If 2 people having sex is called a twosome, and 3 people having sex is a threesome, I guess that would mean that your very *handsome...*

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!

That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

Why are men always wrong and women always right?

Because men have a 'Y' chromosome and women have a 'because I said so' chromosome.

How can stealing be wrong...

...when you get so much karma from it?

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I can't help it, though. Humans were just never meant to run 26 miles.

They say if you're the smartest person in the room you're in the wrong room

That's why I'm always asked to leave the women's room.

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The fuck is wrong with Napoleon's skeleton?

Sorry. There's a bone apart.

Crime in multi-storey car parks

It’s wrong on so many levels

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral...

What's wrong with Soviet agriculture?

Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

wrong answer

A guy shows up at his local pub with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asks the bartender.

"Oh, this morning my wife asked me where I would like to be buried," says the guy.

"So?" asks the bartender.

And the guy says, "Apparently, 'Balls deep in her sister' wasn't the answer...

When the person who invented the USB drive dies...

They’ll lower his coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.

Little girl in class crying, Teacher says what is wrong Lucy? Lucy replies I have peed my pants, Teacher asks why didn't you put your hand up?

Lucy replied, I did miss but it trickled through my fingers.

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A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.

She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.

There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.<...

I made a program to generate puns, but I stored them in the wrong type of variable

No pun int. Ended

A man who recogizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is...

Married.

Throwing acid is wrong.

In some people's eyes.

A cop pulls over a woman going the wrong way down a one-way street.

“Where the heck do you think you’re going?” the cop asks.



“I don’t know, but I must be late because it looks like everyone is coming back.”

TIFU when I brought my pregnant wife home a meatball foot long instead of the teriyaki chicken she asked for

Whoops, wrong sub.

My wife told me there was something wrong with her intestines

I asked her how did she know?
She told me she didn't, it was just a gut feeling.

Don’t know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.

I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

What do they say at SeaWorld when something goes wrong

Oh the humanatee

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Doctor, I have a problem. I have to poop at 8 am every morning. Doctor: What is wrong about that?

Well, I wake up at 10 am everyday.

The correct behavior may be wrong

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

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My girlfriend asked me once if I’ve ever peed in the shower. I said “For sure, hasn’t everyone?” She replied “No wtf, that’s gross. What’s wrong with you?”

I replied “Well, these things tend to happen when you’re taking a shit...”

My friends were arguing about who is prime minister of Canada. My first friend said he has a french name. My other friend said that he is wrong.

So I turned to him and said: 'He's trudeau.'

Canada got it all wrong!

So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!

Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can’t beat a good stereotype!

There's nothing wrong with being a self-made man...

Unless you have a time machine and an Oedipus complex.

Today I went to visit my dead grandparents but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb

It was a grave mistake

Wrong number perhaps

A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.


"This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies."


"I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."

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