No One Jokes - 97 Hilarious No One Jokes

What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?

“I guess you had to be there.”

Does no one say YOLO anymore?

Or are they all dead?

No one believes seniors...

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It w...

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

When no one answers your r/AskOuija

You do it ___

I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield,

Sir Prise.

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke.

What do you call a German threesome where no one gets wet?

Dreisome

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

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Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.

Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the testicles, and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Literally no one:

0 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Why would no one name thier child Pollen?

Apparently there's a lot of stigma attached.

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What’s your because no one else was there no one will believe it story?

For me it’s when I lost my virginity.

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

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No one expects it!

A guy was traveling in the Spanish countryside, and after driving all day he stopped for the night at a tiny inn. The innkeeper, upon giving him his key, asked him if he would like to participate in a battle of wits with his special chicken. "If you stump him, you get a wish, any wish you like!" he ...

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Of all the cosmetic surgeries available, no one ever wants to talk about vaginoplasty.

They're all so .... tight-lipped about it.

Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches.

They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

No one else in the class knew what the people of Greenland are called.

But Inuit

It’s my cake day and no one cares

I feel caked…pied….I mean desserted

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No one who has slept on my couch has gotten pregnant.

It’s a pull out couch.

Thankfully no one was hurt

A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck.

Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt.

Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone,

"We're both okay, we should celebrate."

So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of...

There has been much said and sung about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters?

The Tea of the Tiger was quite a refreshing and pleasant event!

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There was a guy who had an old car and wants to to sell it but no one wanted to buy it

There was a guy who had an old car and wants to to sell it but no one wanted to buy it .

His friend said he have an advice that would help him sell his car, he then told him to bring the logo of the lamborghini brand and stick it on it.

The guy really liked the idea and did it immedi...

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I told my therapist that no one understands me...

She said, "What do you mean by that?"

No one is as lonely as a Jewish Jedi.

They have no force kin.

I made a time travel joke but no one got it.

I guess it was ahead of its time.

I used to think no one cared what I have to say. Then I joined reddit

Now I know it's true.

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Why is no one in Japan overweight?

The last time there was a fat man in Japan, it didn’t go too well.

Why does no one listen to rap music in Korea?

Because it sounds like krap

I’ve been wondering why no one gets the jokes I write

Then I looked down at my pencil and realized I didn’t really have a point.

No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it

What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code

A pro-grammar

Do you know why no one tells Chuck Norris "Chuck Norris" jokes?

They don't want to risk him perceiving the "punchline" as a threat!

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No one will ever win the battle of the sexes;

there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

No one could really figure out who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame….

….but Quasimodo had a hunch.

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

Why does no one laugh at dad jokes?

The punchlines are so old they're full groan.

No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops...

But toucan!

(First post here, hope you like it.)

A hot girl texted me "Come over, no one's home"

So i went over...
And no one's home

5 things that no one cares about

1. Lists

No one delivers a punch line like Will Smith.

No one receives a punch like Chris Rock.

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For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

Almost no one knows what the initials T and S stand for in T.S. Eliot’s name.

It’s Top Secret.

Australia said: "No one can come without vaccination".

Djokovic understood: "No 1 can come without vaccination".

Everyone has heard of Karl Marx, but no one remembers his sister, Onya…

…who invented the starting pistol.

No one wished me Happy Birthday

Well it's not today.

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Bizarre Facts no One Knows

1. Most humans were born on their birthday
2. The distance from the Earth to the Sun is the same exact distance from the Sun to the Earth
3. A normal skeleton has enough bones to make an entire skeleton
4. If you took out all your veins and laid them out end to end, you would die.
5. The...

All these jokes about Alabama but no one acknowledges their contributions, like inventing the toothbrush

At least I think it was Alabama. Anywhere else they’d have called it a teethbrush.

No one:

Corona Virus: New year, New me

I made a DNA joke in my biology class but no one laughed.

Guess my thymine was off.

Why was no one able to go to the dock anymore

It collapsed because of Pier pressure

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Oldie, but no one I tell has ever heard it

One day there was a bunny hopping through the forest when he comes across a deer rolling up a joint.

The bunny says "Mr. Deer...don't waste your life on drugs. Prance through the forest with me and be free!" Mr. Deer thinks "Ya know...he's right. What am I doing with my life?"

So he p...

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks a...

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Cut 100 Trees And No One Will Call You Woodcutter,

Cut 1000 Trees And No One Will Call You Woodcutter,

Cut 10000 Trees And No One Will Call You Woodcutter,

But Fuck One Sheep...

When I introduce myself, no one takes me seriously.

I don't understand why. The only thing I say is, "Hi, I'm Joe King."

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.

As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.

The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.

Thinking quickly, John said...

No one ever listens to me about vaccines.

I have heard immunity.

No one is listening

until you fart.

No one ever asks how Coke is doing.

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay"?

Why did no one notice Thor's brother?

Because he was low-key

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit. Genius hits a target no one else can see.”

So not trying to brag, but my baby has learned to count to "soup".

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No one dies a virgin.

Life screws us all.

No one in Antartica has Covid

That's because...

They're ice-o-lated.

No one ever said life is fair

Except that Russian guy who works at the fair.

I farted in an elevator full of people, but no one reacted

It must have been a noble gas.

Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone. No one else could.

They didn't have the right.....arthurization.

My grandfather saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that it would sink, but no one listened

He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?

You can have your cake and eat it too!

No one can say Darth Vader never made a dad joke

He disarmed Luke Skywalker.

No one jokes about Communism...

Until everyone gets it.

My dad died after no one could remember his blood type for a transfusion

As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.

No one digs a well at the top of a hill.

What the hell were Jack and Jill really doing up there?

My girlfriend told me to come over because no one was home

When I arrived, no one was home

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No one ever fucks me

Billy has always wanted to go on a deep sea fishing trip but could never afford it. He saved all the spare money he could but still didnt have enough to pay for tge trip so he decides to just buy a 6 pack of Bud Light and fish off of the pier.

He gets out to the pier and notices a woman with ...

No one's at home

A lady calls her guy and says, "there's no one at home tonight..."
Guy: "wow. Say no more"
Guy gets all ready, buys protection and goes to her place.

There really wasn't anyone at home. Door was locked :(

Why does no one tell jokes about Mexicans?

Because then they would be the ones crossing the line.

No one turns on their camera in zoom

they have been infected by Novid-19

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The orange juice complained to his therapist that no one wanted to drink him because he had too much pulp.

He was so depressed that he wanted to throw himself from the highest refrigerated shelf.

“Try to restrain yourself,” said the therapist.

The reason why no one visits

The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell.

So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve...

I bought an expensive limousine but had no one to drive it.

Spent all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

No one laughs at my sausage jokes.

Probably because the're the wurst

Why does no one laugh when Queen Elizabeth farts?

Coz noble gases got no reactions!

Omg! My first gold. Thank you so much.

Why does no one like the swiss army?

Because they are all a bunch of tools.

A girl called me yesterday and said "Come over there's no one home."

I went over. Nobody was home.

Why did no one want to be near Shrek?

He had terrible body ogre

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