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Housekeeper Jokes

A housekeeper approached the lady of the house to ask for a raise...

“And why would you deserve a raise, may I ask?”, said the wealthy homeowner.

“3 reasons: Because I’m a better cook than you are”, said the maid.

“Who told you that?”

“Your husband. And I’m also better at cleaning.”

“Who told you that?”

“Also your husband.”
...

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

Women who are excellent “housekeepers”

Regardless of what you may hear, there’s still many women these days who are excellent “housekeepers”. Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

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The town busy-body is curious about the local minister and his beautiful young housekeeper...

The talk is that they're having a secret affair, but nobody can prove it.

So Mildred goes to dinner one night to investigate. The house is immaculately clean, and everything seems above board. There is absolutely nothing suspicious going on. The two of them even have separate bedrooms on opp...

A young married couple decides to hire a live-in housekeeper

She cooked and cleaned for this couple everyday and after a few months, the housekeeper grew very close with the couple. One day, she tells them sadly that she is pregnant and not ready to be a mom and doesn’t know what to do. The couple offers to adopt her baby and everything goes very well. A coup...

Why did Helen Keller fire her housekeeper?

She left the plunger in the toilet.

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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

She kept the house.

I confronted my housekeeper after she lied about servicing my house.

I just wanted her to come clean.

Man calls his house from out of town and the housekeeper answers the phone

*man*: Let me speak to my wife.
*housekeeper*: She's in the bedroom making love to the gardener.
*man*: What?! Go in my gun locker, get my shotgun, and shoot them both dead!
man hears two loud shots
*housekeeper*: Okay...it's done.
*man*: Good! Now throw both their bodies i...

My mom is a wonderful housekeeper.

Every time she divorced she kept the house.

I quit the mafia to become a housekeeper

Now I’m a maid man.

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

My ex wives were all good housekeepers..

..When they left, they kept the house.

I posted an ad for a housekeeper last week.

Job description: Make my house great again

Nobody's called at all.

A woman tells her friend: - I'm a perfect housekeeper!

...every time I divorce, I keep the house!

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Bill Gates wakes up one morning...

...goes downstairs and is shocked to see his two polish housekeepers are nowhere to be seen.

He yells for his wife "Honey, where the hell have the maids gone?"

"Oh, Steve Jobs knocked on the door this morning" Replied his wife. "He offered both the house keepers twice what you're payin...

Pastor and the Housekeeper

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in
the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and
his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new
young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory.
While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely
and lovely the...

A millionaire is looking for a housekeeper.

Three people showed up for the job. He wants to make sure they have good personal hygiene during work, so he put a camera in his big restroom monitoring the sink and see if they wash their hands after going to the restroom.

The first one finishes, doesn't wash his hands and walked out, the mi...

I was staying at a hotel when the housekeeper would not stop banging on the door

After a long time, I decided to get up and let her out

Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator.

She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

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A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him..

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He decides he'd call in during his work day and try to catch his wife in the act. A woman's voice answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?" the man replies. The voice responds, "I'm the housekeeper. I was hired this morning. Sh...

A rich couple lost all their money and was trying to think of ways to restore their fortunes.

The husband says to the wife “if you learn to cook, we could get rid of the housekeeper”

She laughed and replied “if you learned to please me in bed, we could get rid of the gardener”

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An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.

One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had sex?" The old...

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A husband who filed against his wife appear in court to explain their reasons for seeking a divorce.

The judge is incredulous at the husband's grounds stating "She's a poor housekeeper", so he asks the husband to provide him more details.

"Well Judge. Every time I go to the kitchen to take a piss in the sink, it's always full of dirty dishes!"

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Pope taking a shower!

The Pope was having a shower and although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air...

Bad memory

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “"What’s wrong?”" The old man looks at the bartender through

Teary eyes and between sobs says," I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous coo...

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So a guy goes to a doctor..

So a guy goes to a doctor and he says, "Doctor, you gotta help me! Every morning, I get up, I fuck my wife. Then I carpool to work with my neighbor's wife and on the way she BLOWS me! Then I get to work, and every time I go into the Xerox room, one of the young girls follows me in so I fuck her on t...

Heaven vs. Hell

In Heaven, you get a French lover, an English butler, a German housekeeper, and an Italian cook.

In Hell, you get a German lover, a French butler, an Italian housekeeper, and an English cook.

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

At night after a long power outage, the lights finally came back on in Charlize Theron's house.

When the lights returned, her housekeeper exclaimed:

Charlize, they're on!

Father receives a super high phone bill, but he always makes his phone calls at work...

so he asks his wife about it. She replies: "It's not me, you know I always use the telephone on the grocery store I work at". So he asks his son about it: "It's not me, you know I always use the telephone at university." Then he turns at his daughter: "Not me either, I always use the one at school.....

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A priest goes fishing

A priest goes fishing with one of his parishioners and catches a large fish. The parishioner, still excited at the catch, exclaims "That's a big fucker!"

The priest immediately chastises the parishioner for his language. Thinking quickly, the parishioner replies: "But Father, that's the n...

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Teacher ask Kevin for the meaning of... (NSFW)

Teacher ask Kevin for the meaning of: The Government, The Capitalism, The Working Class, The People, The Future and how they relate to each other.


Kevin gets home and asks his Mom about it; Mom replies: "WTF, you cannot see I'm busy here? Go and ask your dad about it, He is always just wa...

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Explaining how the parliament works.

One day a boy asks his dad how the parliament works. So his dad tells him,
"Well, i am the working man of the family so think of me as capitalism. Your mom is the government, your baby brother is the future and the housekeeper is the working class. Now ponder over what i've told you and tell me w...

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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

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The curious doctor

I haven't seen this one here so hopefully it's not a repost...

A man goes in for a physical and when he drops his pants for the hernia check the doctor sees the patients balls are brown. Concerned, the doctor asks politely "Sir, did you know your balls are brown?"

Perturbed, the patien...

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Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

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Anybody read the paper this morning

Person one: "Hey, did you read the news this morning?"
Person two: "No, why?"
Person one: "omg it was crazy, this famous actress stabbed her housekeeper like 50 times!"
Person two: "holy shit, what was her name?"
Person one: "uhh, it was like Reese something, umm Reese..."
Person two:...

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