Money is relative. The more money you make..

The more relatives seem to know you.

Success is relative

The more successful I am, the more relatives pop out at my house.



PS. Most of them I've only seen just now

My wife accused me of hating her relatives...

I said, "That's not true! As a matter of fact I like your Mother-in-law much more than I like mine."

What do you call an older relative in Alabama?

Incestor

Time is relative

it is my uncle

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For some, looks are the most sexually appealing trait, while others are turned on by personality. But for me it’s all relative.

Relatives*

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

What is relative humidity?

When you get your cousin wet

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What's relative velocity?

The speed at which your uncle fucks your ass

Courtesy of my 17 yr old nephew.

If Steve Harvey and his relatives ran a kingdom during the Middle Ages...

... You'd call it Family Feudalism.

My teacher said we wouldn't be learning relative direction today.

I downright up and left.

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Why don’t Jews have Jedi relatives?

No Force kin

What's the difference between calling your boss or calling an annoying relative

With the boss, you get paid to listen to their nonsense

My German relatives brought me endless sausages.

Now I don't know where to start.

What do you call a great great grandparent who had a child with a blood relative?

A incestor.


--*Sorry grammar, not my mother thongue*

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

A man was invited to a wedding...

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them:

1. Bride's relatives
2. Groom's relatives

He entered the groom's door and found two doors again:

1. Ladies
2. Men

He entered the men's door and found two doors again:<...

What’s the difference between relative dating and radioactive dating?

Radioactive dating is a way to determine an object’s age, but relative dating is what goes down in Alabama.

Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist

It's called Facebook

What do you say when you find your relatives attractive

No chromo

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A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the do...

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What's the definition of "relative humidity"?

That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister-in-law's ass.



(Too rude?)

What do you call the moisture that forms between two lovers in Alabama?

Relative Humidity

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota...

I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein first proposed that Time is Relative.

Seems like only yesterday.

What is relative velocity?

The velocity with which you run away from your relatives.

A guy gets hit by a car.

He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him.The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes.The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?"

The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me."...

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

Albert Einstein married his cousin Elsa

Even his marriage was relative.

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Stingy man on his deathbed

An extremely cheap old man was on his deathbed, a few minutes away from drawing his last breath.

Throughout his life, he spent as little as possible and never said how much money he had, so his family were waiting for him to finally tell them about his wealth.

With all his relatives a...

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

My wife was yelling at me saying I never say anything nice about her relatives

So I said that she has a nicer mother-in-law than I do.



I have the scars to prove it!

My wife's relatives have an odd nickname for her.

"You could do so much better."

They call her that every time we visit them.

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathr...

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

Two cannibals are eating a relative. One says to the other:

"Does this taste familiar to you?"

The key of C takes its relative to the bar and orders them both a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve A minor."

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What’s the other word for people who fuck their relatives?

Pumpkin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of obnoxious jerks. The wife says "Relatives of yours?"

The husband says "Yep, in-laws."

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

What do you say to a relative of someone who died in an air balloon accident?

My Gondolences

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Theory of relativity

Person A sticks his nose in the ass of person B. Theoretically speaking, both people have a nose stuck in the ass. But person B has a relatively better position.

What does your hot aunt and hot cousin have in common?

It's pretty relative

What do you call a relative of Lil Pump?

A Pump-Kin

In response to the invitation for a rather unusual reunion of all time greats.......

\* Newton said he'd drop in.
\* Socrates said he'd think about it.
\* Ohm resisted the idea.
\* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
\* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
\* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
\* Volta was electrified at the prospe...

FARM AND FAMILY

A man and his wife were taking an afternoon drive through the countryside. They had just had a big argument and were not talking to one another. Finally the husband decided to break the silence and say something sarcastic to his wife: “Look at all the cows and pigs in the pasture. Don’t they remind ...

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Southerners are weirdly obsessed with ending hunger among Jews

Any time I visit my relatives down South, the first thing they ask is *Jew eat yet?*

I don't find cigarette jokes funny because a close relative died due to smoking

He was crossing the road, stopped to light a cigarette and got hit by a bus.

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

Court proceedings were rescheduled because a juror appeared to have sprained his ankle upon entering the court chambers. It turns out he was related to the defendant, and he only pretended to be injured in an attempt to buy his relative more time. When the judge found this out, he punished the man.

Lucky for the man, a fake in jury isn’t a serious offense.

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My Irish relatives sent me 20 bags of shit

For me "Twenty turd" birthday..

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What did Einstein discover staring at his cousin's cleavage?

The 'Theory of Relative- Titty.'

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating...

One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"

If time is relative...

... can a joke about Hawking dying be "too soon"?

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

'Time is certainly a very complex topic in physics, and there are people who believe that time does not actually exist. One common argument they use is that Einstein proved that everything is relative, so time is irrelevant'.

I said boldly to my boss! But he still fired me for being 3 hours late.

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital.

A nun was s...

I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.

It’s a lot to digest

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The Golfer

A man and his wife his the links for some golf. On one of the holes the man hits a particularly bad drive, with his ball lying behind two trees relative to the green.

He's about to lay it up on the fairway when his wife, seeing what he's about to do, calls him a chicken-shit. He explains tha...

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