UPJOKE
relationkincousinfamilyrelativelycomparativeproportionalsiblingproportionateancestorsecond cousinpersonfirst cousinparentcomparable

Money is relative

The more money you have, the more relatives seem to know you.

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Do you know if it's possible to have a skin graft from your buttocks and donate to someone who isn't a relative?

Ass skin for a friend.

Everything is relative

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers...

We all have that one relative...

I'm not saying which relative…but a relative just called and asked if I would loan her $800.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her ba...

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

What is "relative to a short sleep?"

A napkin.



Sorry.

They say you can tell if a woman likes you based on the position of her ankles relative to her ears

For example, if her ankles are behind them, she likes you a LOT

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

An old woman is talking with a relative at her 4th husband's funeral

She says to the relative "he was a good man" the relative nodded she then said ya know I've been married for the 4th time and this is the last, the relative asked "what were your other husband's like" the woman said "my first husband was a banker, he was a hard working man". The relative asks "what ...

My elderly relatives liked teasing me at weddings, saying- "You'll be next!"

They stopped soon, though, once i started doing the same at their funerals

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What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?

relative humidity.

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Welcome to West Virginia…

It’s all relative

It's hard to find a good partner in most of the US

But in Alabama, you can find a partner with relative ease

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A young monk joins a monastery

He enters the building and is greeted with a sight of many hardworking monks rigorously copying from seemingly new manuscripts onto paper. He makes his way through the busy scene and heads to the head monk's quarters.

The head monk greets the new monk warmly and shows him to his writing stat...

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What is relative humidity?

The sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your sister.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

My wife thinks that I don't care for her relatives.

I told her that's not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

Why did the driver accelerate toward the red light?

So it would blue-shift to green.

Don't think that's funny? Well, comedy is all relative.

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What’s the difference between being in a sexual relationship with your sister and your sister being in a sexual relationship with you?

Nothing, it’s all fucking relative.

Southern

A University of Alabama student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where y’all go to school? " The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or sou...

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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Reddit is like my relatives

Some people agree with me.

Some are disagreeable.

Some want to love you.

Others hate you.

Some are disappointed in you.

And some will always look up to you.

And whenever I'm feeling low I can always jack off.

Encouraging a sick relative

The pandemic swept over the land and finally affected this one small town and one family in particular. Little Billy's beloved grandfather fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital. The family checked in with him virtually several times a week, and Billy's mother coached him on what to say duri...

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For some, looks are the most sexually appealing trait, while others are turned on by personality. But for me it’s all relative.

Relatives*

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Did you know it’s considered incest if you fuck time?

That’s cause time is relative

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

I have a now famous relative

I have a now famous relative named Neil Coal who works in music. Back in 2003 he was under pressure to release his first album.

You might know him as Niel Diamond.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?



Neither. **The rooster came, and got the hen laid in the process.**



*(Biologist's answer: At some point a distant relative of the chicken laid an egg, and the mutations expressed in the chick's DNA would have it hatch as the first modern chicken - so the egg had to come first ...

You don't need an Ancestry DNA kit to find out who your relatives are.

Just tell everyone that you've won the lottery.

What do you call an older relative in Alabama?

Incestor

The key of C takes its relative to the bar and orders them both a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve A minor."

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What's the definition of "relative humidity"?

That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister-in-law's ass.



(Too rude?)

What do hillbillies call their relatives from past generations?

Their incestors


Came up with it myself. How did I do?

I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.

It’s a lot to digest

What’s the difference between relative dating and radioactive dating?

Radioactive dating is a way to determine an object’s age, but relative dating is what goes down in Alabama.

Someone asked me about my background and I gave a detailed reply, telling him about my education, career, relatives, hopes and dreams.

Turns out he just wanted to know what was behind me on our Zoom call.

What's the difference between calling your boss or calling an annoying relative

With the boss, you get paid to listen to their nonsense

I can’t believe it is already more than a hundred years since Einstein proved that Time is relative.

Feels like it was just yesterday.

What do you call a great great grandparent who had a child with a blood relative?

A incestor.


--*Sorry grammar, not my mother thongue*

Two cannibals are eating a relative. One says to the other:

"Does this taste familiar to you?"

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

What's something you can say to your pet and your conservative relatives?

Awe, that's a big stretch.

Husband and wife walk home silently after a strong argument.

Suddnely, they see two pigs on the side of the road.

Husband just asks: Hey, I think I've seen them already, aren't they your relatives?

The wife answes: Yes, you are correct. My parents-in-law.

What do you say to a relative of someone who died in an air balloon accident?

My Gondolences

In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating...

One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"

I have an Arabian relative who's a bit of an idiot

Damascus.

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

If time is relative...

... can a joke about Hawking dying be "too soon"?

Who is a penguin's favorite relative?

His Aunt Arctica

What do you call a relative of Lil Pump?

A Pump-Kin

I don't find cigarette jokes funny because a close relative died due to smoking

He was crossing the road, stopped to light a cigarette and got hit by a bus.

Why did Einstein invite Time to his wedding?

Because Time is relative

'Time is certainly a very complex topic in physics, and there are people who believe that time does not actually exist. One common argument they use is that Einstein proved that everything is relative, so time is irrelevant'.

I said boldly to my boss! But he still fired me for being 3 hours late.

Why did the paleontologist have to use relative dating?

Because he was in Alabama.

I heard someone say "Fcuk the speed limit" in Alabama

As a Physics student, I realized that speed is relative.

Court proceedings were rescheduled because a juror appeared to have sprained his ankle upon entering the court chambers. It turns out he was related to the defendant, and he only pretended to be injured in an attempt to buy his relative more time. When the judge found this out, he punished the man.

Lucky for the man, a fake in jury isn’t a serious offense.

A distant relative of mine died and I came into some money...

but my friends told me that I have a weird fetish.

They say attractiveness is relative...

my cousin seemed to disagree

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred ha...

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

How do you call your passed away relatives?

My brother-in-lawn

How does a viola greet a relative?

Cello!

The Superbowl ticket

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes his seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field!


About halfway through the first quarter Bob...

Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist

It's called Facebook

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