My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist

It's called Facebook

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of obnoxious jerks. The wife says "Relatives of yours?"

The husband says "Yep, in-laws."

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Does anyone know if it’s possible to have a skin graft taken from a butt to donate to someone who isn’t a relative?

Arse skin for a friend.

My wife was yelling at me saying I never say anything nice about her relatives

So I said that she has a nicer mother-in-law than I do.

​

I have the scars to prove it!

Two cannibals are eating a relative. One says to the other:

"Does this taste familiar to you?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the other word for people who fuck their relatives?

Pumpkin.

My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives

I told her that is not true.

I said, "I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine."

What do you call a relative of Lil Pump?

A Pump-Kin

What do you say to a relative of someone who died in an air balloon accident?

My Gondolences

I don't find cigarette jokes funny because a close relative died due to smoking

He was crossing the road, stopped to light a cigarette and got hit by a bus.

The key of C takes its relative to the bar and orders them both a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve A minor."

I can’t believe it is already more than a hundred years since Einstein proved that Time is relative.

Feels like it was just yesterday.

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

If time is relative...

... can a joke about Hawking dying be "too soon"?

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My Irish relatives sent me 20 bags of shit

For me "Twenty turd" birthday..

In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating...

One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

Mom, why do our relatives keep dying suddenly?

Mom? Mooooom????

Baby, are you a relative minimum of a function?

Because when I found you, my life changed from negative to positive.

I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.

It’s a lot to digest

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Two relatives are having sex together

Girl: I'm cumming!

Man: HI CUMMING, I'M DAD

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room...

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in
looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at t...

'Time is certainly a very complex topic in physics, and there are people who believe that time does not actually exist. One common argument they use is that Einstein proved that everything is relative, so time is irrelevant'.

I said boldly to my boss! But he still fired me for being 3 hours late.

Who is a penguin's favorite relative?

Aunt Arctica

I think I'm relatives with sun.

We're both hot, a star and the world revolves around us.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the definition of relative humidity?

Sweat on your balls when you're doing your sister.

Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives

His Obnoxious brother: Please Gogh.
His Dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh.
His prune-loving brother: Gotta Gogh.
His Convenience-Store-Owner cousin: Stop'n'Gogh
His Constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The Ballroom dancer aunt: Tan Gogh
His Nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
His Fruit Loving cousin: M...

How does a viola greet a relative?

Cello!

They say attractiveness is relative...

my cousin seemed to disagree

Relative's be like

Them: What's your age ?


Me: I'm 20


Them: Oh, when i was your age i was 21

What do you call a fat relative around Halloween?

A plump-kin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you know what "relative humidity" is?

It's that little drop of sweat that forms on the tip of your nose when you're fucking your cousin.

My Chemistry homework is asking me to rank the bonds by relative strength.

Could Pierce Brosnan or Daniel Craig beat Sean Connery in a fight?

What do you call a cannibal that eats relatives?

Munchkin.

A distant relative of mine died and I came into some money...

but my friends told me that I have a weird fetish.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little kids turn to speak about what he learned from a relative's experience?

The little kid says, "My grandfather was flying over enemy territory during WW2 when he was hit and he had to eject from the plane. On the way down he pounds a 1/5 of whiskey. Once he landed he killed the first 20 guys he saw with his rifle. He proceeded to kill another 12 with his pistol, 5 more of...

My wife asked me "If you had a loaded gun, and you saw 2 busses that were going to collide and you could save one by shooting the driver of the other (killing everyone aboard) one bus loaded with children, the other loaded with my parents and relatives, who would you save?"

I told her "That's a loaded question"

None of my relatives are members of any organized political party.

They're all republicans.

So HBO is making a drama about relatives conspiring against eachother to take control of the family pastry company

It's going to be called Game of Scones

What do you call a sleepy relative of a paper towel?

A napkin.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

Want to Be Remembered By all After You Die??

Just Borrow money From all of your Relatives Before Dying.

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

Happiness is a relative thing.

I finally have some extra money and suddenly my relatives are happy.

You know what they say about Alabama

everything is relative.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the definition of relative humidity?

The sweat that drops off your forehead while you're fucking your sister.



What's the definition of endless love?

Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

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I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn

then I remembered that taste is relative.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between normal schools and schools in Alabama?

Schools in Alabama teach the relative theory in sex education

Rob and Samantha ...

Rob and Samantha Henders just got married but they were having some communication issues – that’s a nice way of saying they were fighting. One day, they were in the car driving down a country road, each not saying a word after a particularly intense fight.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] This wealthy couple from New York made a trip down south...

To visit some relatives that retired down in Florida. They were big foodies and decided to make a stop in Tennessee because they had never had good southern food but had heard how good it was. They find a hole in the wall southern food joint and pulled their new Range Rover in between two old beat u...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In hard times, a young woman turns to prostitution...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, ...

In a fierce argument, the woman says to her husband.

\- "I would be better off had I married the devil!"

\- "Well, you couldn't. Marriage between two close relatives is illegal!"

How do you seduce a redneck girl?

Tell her you're a relative.

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?

Whats a violinist from Alabamas favorite scale to play?

​

A relative minor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor fe...

Richest Man in Town

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly.  The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“No.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“That’s why!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the moisture between two hillbillies having sex?

Relative humidity.

did you ever here about Einstein’s learning disabled nephew?

You could say he had a special relative.

True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

“No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,’ ...

A man and his wife were driving down a country road

They had both gotten into an argument, but neither wanted to admit that they were wrong.

They drove past a field with cows and donkeys, so the husband asked his wife, "Hey, are those relatives of yours?"
"Yes", she said, "in-laws!"

A man escapes from the Soviet Union

He visits his relative who has been living in West Germany and did quite well for himself. The relative takes him on a tour of town in his brand new Mercedes. The Soviet man, not having seen a Mercedes in his life, asks him about the three pointed star hood ornament.

The relative decides to p...

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Wife dies due to misunderstanding

Jim had met the woman of his dreams, a beautiful woman from India. After a brief courtship they got married. As Jim was old fashioned they had intercourse for the first time in their wedding night.
Jim was understandably excited to be with his beautiful wife for the first time and was anxious ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

Today of all days, don’t forget the reason for the season...

...the axial tilt of the Earth relative to the sun.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

​

As they passed a barnyard of cows, goats and pigs,

the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

​

"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest begins to wonder whether Christianity is really, the only ‘true’ religion...

In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Ad...

A hunter goes to the woods

One day a hunter goes in the woods to hunt bears, sees one walking by and BOOM! Shot the bear down. He goes to check if the bear is dead and starts his celebration dance. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and sees a huge bear. "You've made a big mistake Jake" at which the ...

What do A and C have in common with relationships in Alabama?

Relative Minor

A guy buys a ticket to the Superbowl but is up in the very top seats but can't see very well ...

... and after watching for a quarter, notices ONE seat way down near the field on the 50 yard line that has been empty the entire quarter and so he decides to try to sneak down and sit in the seat ....

When he gets there the man in the next seat notices his apprehension and says, "Don't worry...

Best way to learn about your problems is

Identify 1 mistake in your wife and ask her to correct it.
In response she will help you identify ALL of your problems, your parents problems, all of your relatives and your friends problems.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother.

"Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents....

I know this guy, who's constantly gloating...

He inherited this ancient ming dynasty table from a dead relative and he wouldn't shut up about it. He didn't even seem to care that a family member had died. So one day I went over to his place to see this "amazing, priceless table" and when he went to the bathroom I sawed off all of it's legs. He ...

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Albert Einstein invented a timemachine.

He tried it several times and it always worked. When the time came for him to show the world only a few among them could actually use it. Those with the highest success seemed to be the rednecks and those from the Middle East.

After a bit of research, Einstein figured it out. Only cousinfuck...

Lord Williams turns to his butler

Lord Williams turns to his butler: "Jones, please prepare my black suit and binoculars. I'm going to a funeral."

"But why do you need binoculars?" Asks Jones

"My distant relative has died." Says Lord Williams

A couple had 100 children

Once a couple had 100 kids, and so they named them 1-100. Time passed, and they all went on to have their own children, although not nearly as many. 90, in particular, disliked animals; but one day her children saw a sickly dog, scavenging the streets for food. The children couldn’t resist taking th...

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Nuns traveling in Transylvania.

Two nuns are driving down a winding road in Transylvania, long after the sun has set.

Mother Superior sits in the passenger's seat, and Sister Carlotta sits in the driver's seat. They are driving along in relative silence when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the hood of the car and snarls ...

Where there is a will,

There are relatives!

Isaac stood at the door of the synagogue, with an outstretched hand, asking:

"Donate a coin for charity! Donate a coin for charity!"

Then comes the Rabbi: "Hey, Isaac, what are you doing?"

Isaac: "Rabbi, I'm raising money for a widow, mother of three little boys, who's 3 months behind in rent. If she doesn't pay 1,500 Euro by the end of the day, she's going to ...

Why did Einstein married his cousin?

Because it was all relative!




PS: Inspired from a comment on TIL about Emma Noether!

A man walking along the beach picks up a gienie bottle.

He rubs it off and a gienie comes out.
The gienie said, "You have awoken me from my slumber. In return, I will give you 1 wish."
The man said, "Oh my God... Wait. 1 wish? Don't I get 3?"
"Dude, I've been stuck in a bottle for 2000 years! Cut me some slack! What is your wish?"
"So...I hav...

I’m surprised the University of Alabama doesn’t offer a major in archaeology.

I heard they are really into relative dating out there.

Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex...

John was an Astronaut...

John was an astronaut scheduled to fly on his first mission to the International Space Station. The media frenzy surrounding the launch was maddening. Everywhere John went, the media followed him.

He would part the curtains at his home in the morning, and the media was out there peering in, t...

A son asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all hous...

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

7 hilarious jokes

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says ...

A boy goes on a vacation.

A boy living in USA with his family decides to take a vacation to his relatives living in Iraq. He decides to bring his dog as well. One day before he was traveling, his dog became ill and he had no choice but to leave him at home with the family. When the boy arrives at his aunt's house in Iraq, he...

Van Gogh Family

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lesser known relatives:

* The really obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
* The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
* His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
* An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
* And his ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and wife gave birth to two beautiful twin boys

They were named Jesse and James. The boys grew up very successful in school and sports. They both participated in Boxing, track and hockey. They were also straight A students. One day while rough housing Jesse caught James with a left hook to the eye. This left a long cut under James’ eyes that heal...

Prehistoric math joke

In a certain tribe, in which polygamy was practiced, a married man’s standing in the tribe depended upon the combined weight of his wives-the greater the combined weight, the more important was the man. Every year, on weighing day and according to custom, the married men would stand their wives on n...

My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are

The relatives who don't leave until Monday.

What do red necks and scientists have in common?

Relative dating

I stopped complaining about my insomnia

when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and ...

A little girl asks her father where people came from.

He explained about Adam and Eve and they were our original ancestors and they had babies and that's where we came from.

Later that day the girl asked her Mom who explained that their ancestors were monkeys and apes and humans evolved from the monkeys. "So, our relatives are monkeys?" "That's...

What is the difference between a Texan and a redneck??

Texans ride bulls while rednecks ride relatives.