My elderly relatives used to say to me "you'll be next", during weddings.

They soon stopped though once I started doing the same to them at funerals

What's something you can say to your pet and your conservative relatives?

Awe, that's a big stretch.

You don't need an Ancestry DNA kit to find out who your relatives are.

Just tell everyone that you've won the lottery.

Someone asked me about my background and I gave a detailed reply, telling him about my education, career, relatives, hopes and dreams.

Turns out he just wanted to know what was behind me on our Zoom call.

What do hillbillies call their relatives from past generations?

Their incestors


Came up with it myself. How did I do?

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is relative humidity?

The sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your sister.

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of ...

Everything is relative.

Especially in Alabama.

How do you call your passed away relatives?

My brother-in-lawn

Encouraging a sick relative

The pandemic swept over the land and finally affected this one small town and one family in particular. Little Billy's beloved grandfather fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital. The family checked in with him virtually several times a week, and Billy's mother coached him on what to say duri...

My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.

I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care ...

Redditor r/jokes repost convention

So you may not have heard, but there was a convention for r/jokes reposters recently. In advance of the convention, to save time, the attendees developed a numbered list of oft-repeated jokes, from 1-500. Although I am a relative noob, a friend invited me as a guest. Everyone seemed to be enjoyin...

Time is relative to the observer.

Time could be my aunt, uncle, cousing, nephew, etc.

Marital Argument

A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours?" Husband says, "yep, in laws."

If you ask Kamala Harris' Indian relatives what she does for work

"She has an internship in Politics but she is studying for the MCAT and applying to medical school."

What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?

They both share your blood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Polish Rocket Scientists Announce to the World They're Going to the Sun in a Spaceship

The entire world wide scientific community swiftly points out that the Sun is too hot for such a journey and they'd quickly burn up to which they replied very smugly: "Ah SEE! We've thought of this and have a plan!.....We're going at NIGHT!"

I do not mean to offend anyone and my apologies to ...

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

Marri-age and old-age

Relative - You are getting old. You should get married now.

Me - Will that stop aging?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before the emcee was about to give his speech he noticed there were way more people in the hall than invitations that went out.

He decided to play it smart. He took the Mic and announced “Okay. So now we're gonna play a little game between the bride's and the groom's side. I request the bride's relatives to come to the left of the party hall, and those of the groom to the right.”

The orders were followed by the ‘well-...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For some, looks are the most sexually appealing trait, while others are turned on by personality. But for me it’s all relative.

Relatives*

I have a now famous relative

I have a now famous relative named Neil Coal who works in music. Back in 2003 he was under pressure to release his first album.

You might know him as Niel Diamond.

It’s the World Cup Final...

And a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’

‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their righ...

Every Christmas day we have pigs in blankets.

Or as some people might call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Recently Divorced Man on an Adventure

A man and his wife got a divorce after 15 years of marriage. After a month of feeling down he decided he needed to get over it. One Friday night he and a mate go to a brothel to have some fun. He asks the madam for a girl who is adventurous and special as he has had blowjobs and missionary sex for h...

What do you call an older relative in Alabama?

Incestor

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist

It's called Facebook

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t Jews have Jedi relatives?

No Force kin

Do Rumanians get upset when they get asked about Vampires?

I asked my Rumanian friend whether he ever gets upset when people ask him whether his relatives were Vampires.

He said "Of course not, That has only happened two or three times this past 180 years."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a new teacher in a school, and she is sent to the worst class with the laziest and the most spoiled kids.

The new teacher starts introducing herself to the first-graders, asking some questions to them, hoping to get them to like her.

She decided to start the lesson in a fun way to get the children's attention. So she starts drawing some pictures on the whiteboard and asks the children what has s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was Einstein horrified by PornHub?

Everything was relatives.

Time is relative

it is my uncle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's relative velocity?

The speed at which your uncle fucks your ass

Courtesy of my 17 yr old nephew.

What’s the difference between relative dating and radioactive dating?

Radioactive dating is a way to determine an object’s age, but relative dating is what goes down in Alabama.

[Long] A Russian Jew...

...is migrating to Israel after much paperwork and waiting.

At Moscow airport, customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked: who is he? This is the most respected Comrade Leni...

What's the difference between calling your boss or calling an annoying relative

With the boss, you get paid to listen to their nonsense

My German relatives brought me endless sausages.

Now I don't know where to start.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the definition of "relative humidity"?

That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister-in-law's ass.



(Too rude?)

Little Johnny

An insurance officer comes to a farm and meets Little Johnny and asks,

"Hello, are your parents home by any chance?"

Little Johnny: "My parents were run over by the tractor ..."

Insurance officer: "Really? That's awful! Are your siblings at home?"

Little Johnny: "Run ...

My wife was yelling at me saying I never say anything nice about her relatives

So I said that she has a nicer mother-in-law than I do.



I have the scars to prove it!

What do you call a great great grandparent who had a child with a blood relative?

A incestor.


--*Sorry grammar, not my mother thongue*

In the US cops are called pigs, in Russia they call them goats.

A man shows up at a police station in Russia and says there is a dead goat on the road two blocks away. The cops are like There was no need to come here, call the city or whatever. The guy says Well, I thought when somebody dies the first thing they do is inform their relatives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When it comes to finding incest porn on the internet

I've had relative success

Why did Einstein invite time to his wedding?

Because it was relative.

The key of C takes its relative to the bar and orders them both a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve A minor."

I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein first proposed that Time is Relative.

Seems like only yesterday.

What is relative velocity?

The velocity with which you run away from your relatives.

Which is worse: kissing your mother or your sister?

It’s all relative

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

What do you say when you find your relatives attractive

No chromo

Incest isn’t great..

But it’s relatively fun

Two cannibals are eating a relative. One says to the other:

"Does this taste familiar to you?"

Why did the redneck want to become a paleontologist?

He heard they deal with relative dating!

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.

It’s a lot to digest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the other word for people who fuck their relatives?

Pumpkin.

What do you say to a relative of someone who died in an air balloon accident?

My Gondolences

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why shouldn't you fuck with Time ?

Coz he's relative

My wife's relatives have an odd nickname for her.

"You could do so much better."

They call her that every time we visit them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Irish relatives sent me 20 bags of shit

For me "Twenty turd" birthday..

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating...

One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Himalayan Dick BABA

A man had a tiny penis. He went to doctors,surgeons, faith healers , witch doctors etc to try and get it larger.
All their knowledge was in vain as they could do nothing about it.
A relative of his who saw this, told him about a baba who lived on the peak of the Himalayas who had been kno...

What do you call a relative of Lil Pump?

A Pump-Kin

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