The relative who wanted to borrow money

A relative just called & asked if I would loan her $1300.00 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out friends & family. I told her to give me some time to think about it & I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called & to...

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Everything is relative

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers...

What is "relative to a short sleep?"

A napkin.



Sorry.

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Reddit is like my relatives

Some people agree with me.

Some are disagreeable.

Some want to love you.

Others hate you.

Some are disappointed in you.

And some will always look up to you.

And whenever I'm feeling low I can always jack off.

You don't need an Ancestry DNA kit to find out who your relatives are.

Just tell everyone that you've won the lottery.

I have a bunch of elderly relatives who used to love to tease me at weddings by saying stuff like: "Oh, you'll be next, you'll be next."

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

They say you can tell if a woman likes you based on the position of her ankles relative to her ears

For example, if her ankles are behind them, she likes you a LOT

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

Success is relative….

The more success, the more relatives you have!

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

Someone asked me about my background and I gave a detailed reply, telling him about my education, career, relatives, hopes and dreams.

Turns out he just wanted to know what was behind me on our Zoom call.

An old woman is talking with a relative at her 4th husband's funeral

She says to the relative "he was a good man" the relative nodded she then said ya know I've been married for the 4th time and this is the last, the relative asked "what were your other husband's like" the woman said "my first husband was a banker, he was a hard working man". The relative asks "what ...

What's something you can say to your pet and your conservative relatives?

Awe, that's a big stretch.

What do hillbillies call their relatives from past generations?

Their incestors


Came up with it myself. How did I do?

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?



Neither. **The rooster came, and got the hen laid in the process.**



*(Biologist's answer: At some point a distant relative of the chicken laid an egg, and the mutations expressed in the chick's DNA would have it hatch as the first modern chicken - so the egg had to come first ...

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What is relative humidity?

The sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your sister.

A son asked his mother, "Why are wedding dresses white?"

She replied, "It shows your friends and relatives that the bride is pure."

Then the son went and asked the same question to his father.

"All household appliances come in white," said his father.

Why did Einstein invite Time to his wedding?

Because Time is relative

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

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What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?

Relative Humidity.

A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad.

"What's the matter?" asks the bartender.

"My paternal uncle died three months ago."

"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

"My maternal uncle died two months ago."

"Two uncles in two months? ...

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Little Bobby woke up early on Thanksgiving Morning

As he was putting on his clothes for the day, he heard a loud, "FUCK!" coming from the Kitchen.

Little Bobby rushed downstairs, to see his mother nursing a cut on her finger.

"Mom, what does 'Fuck' mean?" asked little Bobby.

"It's a way of preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving."...

I heard someone say "Fcuk the speed limit" in Alabama

As a Physics student, I realized that speed is relative.

How do you call your passed away relatives?

My brother-in-lawn

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred ha...

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

Encouraging a sick relative

The pandemic swept over the land and finally affected this one small town and one family in particular. Little Billy's beloved grandfather fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital. The family checked in with him virtually several times a week, and Billy's mother coached him on what to say duri...

What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?

They both share your blood

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For some, looks are the most sexually appealing trait, while others are turned on by personality. But for me it’s all relative.

Relatives*

Why Einstein loved his parents and grandparents?

They were all relatives.

Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist

It's called Facebook

I have a now famous relative

I have a now famous relative named Neil Coal who works in music. Back in 2003 he was under pressure to release his first album.

You might know him as Niel Diamond.

People would never sleep with their relatives

Unless they incest.

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

The Superbowl ticket

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes his seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field!


About halfway through the first quarter Bob...

What do you call an older relative in Alabama?

Incestor

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Why don’t Jews have Jedi relatives?

No Force kin

What's the difference between calling your boss or calling an annoying relative

With the boss, you get paid to listen to their nonsense

My wife was yelling at me saying I never say anything nice about her relatives

So I said that she has a nicer mother-in-law than I do.



I have the scars to prove it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the definition of "relative humidity"?

That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister-in-law's ass.



(Too rude?)

My German relatives brought me endless sausages.

Now I don't know where to start.

What do geology and Alabama have in common?

Relative dating

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings...

One by one...

As each relative goes home.

The key of C takes its relative to the bar and orders them both a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve A minor."

History's great scientists were invited to a party. Here are their responses.

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Georg Ohm: "I'm resisting the idea."

Robert Boyle: "I'm under too much pressure."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Pierre and Marie Curie: "We're radiating enthusiasm."

Alessandro...

What’s the difference between relative dating and radioactive dating?

Radioactive dating is a way to determine an object’s age, but relative dating is what goes down in Alabama.

Marital Argument

A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours?" Husband says, "yep, in laws."

I can’t believe it is already more than a hundred years since Einstein proved that Time is relative.

Feels like it was just yesterday.

What do you call a great great grandparent who had a child with a blood relative?

A incestor.


--*Sorry grammar, not my mother thongue*

I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.

It’s a lot to digest

Carlos was the proud owner of a Mexican Bed & Breakfast in Cancun...

It was founded by his Great-grandfather in the 1800s. He had come to Mexico from Spain and bought the run-down place with a loan from from a businessman back home. Through hard work and sheer determination, he had built the place up to a relatively successful B&B.

After his death, he lef...

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What do you call a red neck thinking about sex?

Relative theory

Two cannibals are eating a relative. One says to the other:

"Does this taste familiar to you?"

What do you say when you find your relatives attractive

No chromo

I have an Arabian relative who's a bit of an idiot

Damascus.

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

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What’s the other word for people who fuck their relatives?

Pumpkin.

I was mourning one of my friend in cemetery

And when leaving, I noticed a guy kneeling to a tombstone beside, he was literally extremely sorrowful, I've never seen a guy can crying like that.
I took a glance at him, but he didn't noticed, he just kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
So, I walked to him, and said...

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

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My Irish relatives sent me 20 bags of shit

For me "Twenty turd" birthday..

In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating...

One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

My wife's relatives have an odd nickname for her.

"You could do so much better."

They call her that every time we visit them.

If time is relative...

... can a joke about Hawking dying be "too soon"?

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room...

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in
looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at t...

Mom, why do our relatives keep dying suddenly?

Mom? Mooooom????

What do you call a relative of Lil Pump?

A Pump-Kin

Service call

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he sa...

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