UPJOKE
relationkinsibcousinrelationalfamilykinsmanrelativelycomparativeproportionalkinswomancongenersiblingcongenatorkindred

Relative Jokes

Everything is relative

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is relative humidity ?

When the sweat from your balls runs down your sisters leg.

People say wealth is relative

The wealthier you are, the more relatives you will get.
upvote downvote report

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous
upvote downvote report

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”
upvote downvote report

Success is relative….

The more success, the more relatives you have!
upvote downvote report

What is "relative to a short sleep?"

A napkin.



Sorry.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do rednecks affectionately call it when they are having sex with relatives?

Pumpkin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew living in Soviet Russia writes a letter to his relative in America.

*Roza, food is so expensive here, you won't believe it. A chicken costs 5 rubles. Can you imagine? 5 rubles for a chicken.*

The next day, he gets a visit from the KGB. The KGB officer tells him, "you must rewrite the letter. Tell them food is cheaper and of better quality than in America"
...

We all have that one relative...

I'm not saying which relative…but a relative just called and asked if I would loan her $800.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her ba...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the definition of relative humidity?

The sweat that drops off your forehead while you're fucking your sister.



What's the definition of endless love?

Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?

Relative Humidity.

I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.

It’s a lot to digest
upvote downvote report

My wife thinks that I don't care for her relatives.

I told her that's not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
upvote downvote report

Encouraging a sick relative

The pandemic swept over the land and finally affected this one small town and one family in particular. Little Billy's beloved grandfather fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital. The family checked in with him virtually several times a week, and Billy's mother coached him on what to say duri...
upvote downvote report

An old woman is talking with a relative at her 4th husband's funeral

She says to the relative "he was a good man" the relative nodded she then said ya know I've been married for the 4th time and this is the last, the relative asked "what were your other husband's like" the woman said "my first husband was a banker, he was a hard working man". The relative asks "what ...
upvote downvote report

I have a now famous relative

I have a now famous relative named Neil Coal who works in music. Back in 2003 he was under pressure to release his first album.

You might know him as Niel Diamond.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know if it's possible to have a skin graft from your buttocks and donate to someone who isn't a relative?

Ass skin for a friend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the definition of "relative humidity"?

That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister-in-law's ass.



(Too rude?)

Who is a penguin's favorite relative?

His Aunt Arctica
upvote downvote report

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...
upvote downvote report

If time is relative...

... can a joke about Hawking dying be "too soon"?
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is relative humidity?

The sweat that accumulates on the back of your sisters neck when you're fucking her in the ass.

Edited: fixed spelling for spelling trolls.

They say you can tell if a woman likes you based on the position of her ankles relative to her ears

For example, if her ankles are behind them, she likes you a LOT
upvote downvote report

Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist

It's called Facebook
upvote downvote report

What you call a relative that lives in another country?

Farmily
upvote downvote report

They say attractiveness is relative...

my cousin seemed to disagree
upvote downvote report

The key of C takes its relative to the bar and orders them both a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve A minor."
upvote downvote report

Two cannibals are eating a relative. One says to the other:

"Does this taste familiar to you?"
upvote downvote report

Why did the paleontologist have to use relative dating?

Because he was in Alabama.
upvote downvote report

What's the difference between calling your boss or calling an annoying relative

With the boss, you get paid to listen to their nonsense
upvote downvote report

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...
upvote downvote report

How does a viola greet a relative?

Cello!
upvote downvote report

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For some, looks are the most sexually appealing trait, while others are turned on by personality. But for me it’s all relative.

Relatives*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what "relative humidity" is?

It's that little drop of sweat that forms on the tip of your nose when you're fucking your cousin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit is like my relatives

Some people agree with me.

Some are disagreeable.

Some want to love you.

Others hate you.

Some are disappointed in you.

And some will always look up to you.

And whenever I'm feeling low I can always jack off.

Baby, are you a relative minimum of a function?

Because when I found you, my life changed from negative to positive.
upvote downvote report

I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein first proposed that Time is Relative.

Seems like only yesterday.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a great great grandparent who had a child with a blood relative?

A incestor.


--*Sorry grammar, not my mother thongue*
upvote downvote report

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.
upvote downvote report

A distant relative of mine died and I came into some money...

but my friends told me that I have a weird fetish.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a fat relative around Halloween?

A plump-kin
upvote downvote report

In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating...

One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"
upvote downvote report

What do hillbillies call their relatives from past generations?

Their incestors


Came up with it myself. How did I do?
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between being in a sexual relationship with your sister and your sister being in a sexual relationship with you?

Nothing, it’s all fucking relative.

As the man made his way to his seat at the World Cup Final, he couldn't help but feel excited.

But as he sat down by the pitch, he noticed the seat next to him was empty. "What a waste," he thought to himself. "Who would have a seat like this and not use it?"

Curiosity getting the best of him, he leaned over to his neighbour and asked if someone would be sitting there. "No," the nei...
upvote downvote report

My Chemistry homework is asking me to rank the bonds by relative strength.

Could Pierce Brosnan or Daniel Craig beat Sean Connery in a fight?
upvote downvote report

In other places, a suitable partner is judged on a 1-10 hotness scale.

In Alabama, they use relative humidity.
upvote downvote report

What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?

They both share your blood
upvote downvote report

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t Jews have Jedi relatives?

No Force kin

How do you call your passed away relatives?

My brother-in-lawn
upvote downvote report

People would never sleep with their relatives

Unless they incest.
upvote downvote report

What's something you can say to your pet and your conservative relatives?

Awe, that's a big stretch.
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information