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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

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I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped him.

I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"

"Fuck off!" he said.

And I just thought to myself, "What an ungrateful person he is." So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how did that cure him?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."

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My neighbor’s dog keeps going in my yard

I tell my neighbor politely a few times to keep his dog in his yard, but every evening I come out to a fresh pile.

I tell him to clean it up, but he never does, so I give him an ultimatum: “The next time your dog comes into my yard I am going to cook him.”

The next day, sure as anythin...

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A man gets a text from his neighbor.

The text reads:

“Hey, this is your neighbor. I’ve been feeling horrible for my actions and it’s time I’ve confessed. I’ve been helping myself to your wife while you were at work for almost a month now. I hope you can forgive me.

The man turns to his wife, shows her the text and says, “...

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.

Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

My 90 year old neighbor has Alzheimer's

And every morning when i wake up he's in a panic knocking at my door asking if I'd seen his wife, and every day i am forced to remind him that she has been dead for over 10 years...

Honestly i could just move, the house isn't too great, and I've had many opportunities to live in better plac...

The neighbors built a snow sculpture of a dismembered person, complete with red food coloring.

It was an ***abominable*** snowman.

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My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.

I, personally, am on the fence.

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

My neighbor once ordered 5 gallons of paint. They screwed up and sent him a 10 pound bucket of Sodium.

That happened years ago and he is still salty about it.

A poor family starts saving up for spoons so they can invite their rich neighbor for supper... (Long)

Once they save up, they invite the rich man, and in the midst of their conversation, it is mentioned that they had to save up for a spoon. The rich man laughs and says,

"I have a spoon for every meal." The husband goes quiet at this, but the wife replies,

"We have a friend who uses a ...

In a small town there was a poor Christian old lady. She was always asking the God to bring her groceries. One day her not Christian neighbor went out and secretly bought the lady groceries…

As the lady saw the groceries she rejoiced and thanked the lord. The neighbor was fed up and told the old lady that God did not bring her groceries he did. She yelled thank you Lord for bringing me groceries and making the devil pay for them.

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I overheard my neighbor having sex

I thought I overheard my neighbor having sex. Actually, her mom came for a visit and fell. She was trying to get my attention by banging her cane on the wall. Now I feel bad for masturbating to it.

My neighbor says he is too afraid to plant an apple tree.

I told him, "Grow a pear"!

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She says Well, ...

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

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Ethel and Ben are neighbors in a nursing home...

One day, they're sitting in the TV room and Ethyl says, "Ben, I bet I can tell you how old you are if I feel your private parts for just half a minute."
"Hee hee. Even a doctor couldn't do that but you're welcome to try," he replies, unbuttoning his trousers. She leans over and gives his tackle a...

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

A man receives a message from a neighbor...

"Sorry, sir I am using your wife day and night. Usually, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."

The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to the hospital.

...

Neighbor lady stormed over and woke me up resting in the shade on a hot summer day

While my wife was mowing sweat pouring. And started yelling saying I needed to be hung.

I said I am that’s why she’s the one mowing.

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 a.m.

3 a.m.!!!

Fortunately, i was still awake, playing my bagpipes.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son ...

Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?

Husband: How can I ?
I don't even know her.

"Our neighbor died just now" I told my wife after I hanged up my phone

"Who, Ray?"

"Why are you cheering? You don't even know who I am talking about?"

Neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3AM

My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3am. Can you believe it!?
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!

A guy goes to Court because he thinks that his neighbor stole the fence surrounding his yard

Guy: This man has stolen the fence surrounding my house, which was contained in my property

Judge: understood. Do you, the accused have a defense?

Neighbor: yes.

Judge: **Guilty**

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

I was shocked today when I heard my neighbor..

.. telling his son the difference between Email and Gmail.

He said Email is when you use Electricity to send mail while Gmail is when you use Generator to send mail.

I'm still struggling to catch my breath.

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I'm pretty sure my neighbor doesn't watch porn.

I've been at her house for two hours, and I'm still fixing the sink.

After the dalmation knocked up the neighbor's Jack Russell...

...he experienced post-mutt clarity.

Boudreaux and his neighbor

Ol' Boudreaux and his wife lived down in the river bottom. They had a neighbor across the river named Clarence. Well, one day, Boudreaux and Clarence were yelling back and forth cross that river arguing over something. Ol' Boudreaux had had enough. He stormed off to his house and grabbed his hat, ...

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

My Anti-Vax neighbor's one year old son is so annoying.

He cries all the time, seems like he is going through a midlife crisis.

My anti vaxer neighbor's eight year old was throwing a temper tantrum

"Isn't she too old to throw a temper tantrum?", I asked.
"It's not a temper tantrum. It's a mid life crisis."

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

My neighbor calls his wife Millicent.

I think he really undervalues her.

My neighbor who was a first grade teacher just got arrested for prostitution

I’ve know her for ten years

I never knew she was a teacher

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Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.

Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

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Had a raccoon problem in my crawlspace and nothing worked to get rid of them. My neighbor told me to put lutefisk down there and that the rotting odor would keep them away....

A week later a Norwegian family moved in.

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My neighbors made a sex tape the other night.

Of course they don't know that yet.

A Blonde and her girlfriend are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours. The Blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs then comes back up to bed and her girlfriend says.

"The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"The Blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how the neighbors like all the barking!"

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My hot neighbor

I was excited when my hot neighbor said she would bring me something special last night, it turned out she wanted to gift me models for earth and neptune

She gave me blue balls and left

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A reporter went to a small village...

And asked one of the villagers, "hey could you tell me a story about your village?" The villager says "well one time a neighbors goat got lost in the mountains, and we all got together to look for it, and then we found it. We all celebrated and drank and then we all had sex with the goat".

T...

My neighbor was hit by a financial crisis

He has to eat moldy cheese, drink old wine and drive in cars without roofs.

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My neighbor told me he’s close to figuring out who’s been stealing his clothes

I almost crapped his pants when he said that

My neighbors are ALWAYS listening to very loud Drum and Bass

Whether they like it or not.

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I was just walking past the church when the vicar turned to me and said, "Love your neighbor."

I said, "Me too - cracking pair of tits!"

Dropped off a small meal to the lady next door with questionable morals. Let’s be kind to our neighbors, y’all.

Just a little food for thot.

After a long time, I told my neighbor how I felt...

Now we’re teaching a hatmaking class together.

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My neighbor visited my house the other day

He said: Isn't your house the same as mine? How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your living room when you moved in?

12 I said.

A few days later he came back, pretty pissed. "I just finished, and I have 7 rolls of wallpaper left!"

Yeah, so did I.

\*Heard in Dutch a...

My neighbor’s yard is so vibrant and colorful.

Good thing I switched his weed killer to MiracleGro.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

Neighbor: So, what are your sons's professions? Man: The first one is an engineer, the second one is a doctor. The third one is a business man and my last son is a thief! Neighbor: What? Why don't you kick your 4th son out of the house?

Man: How can I sir? He is the only one who earns money!

My neighbor just got arrested for growing marijuana.

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

Snow Storm in Texas blew 25% of my neighbors roof.

Oof.

[NSFW] A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.

She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."


"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.


"About $20 a pint." she says.


"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pa...

My neighbor and I are having a land dispute.

Well, it’s actually more of a ground beef.

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The hillbillies new neighbor

So a guy from the city goes and buys himself a piece of property. He looks it over with the realtor and the realtor leaves and he's just standing there admiring the lake that's on his land and thinking about all the New freedom he has.

A hillbilly comes walking toward him and he's a little su...

A joke I was told by an old man I golfed with.

A man was at the bar with a couple of his neighbors. One of his friends says "Have you seen that new pool boy the Johnsons hired? I heard he's had his way with all the women in the neighborhood except one."

Worried, the man goes home and confronts his wife. "Honey I heard the new pool bo...

A moderator of this sub is my neighbor in real life, and is demanding that my fence be removed

...just because I re-posted it.

I have the worst neighbor in the World. He keeps on banging on the wall at 3:00 A.M.

It's really disrupting my drumming practice.

An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

Th...

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Ole and Lena are drinking to beat the winter blues along with their neighbor, Sven.

All three of them are having a grand old time, when Ole noticed that they were quickly running out of booze. Ever the thoughtful gentleman, Ole bundles up and trudges to the liquor store.

Upon his return, Ole opens his front door only to see Sven and Lena bare naked and fucking on the couch....

A police officer was dispatched to the house of an elderly couple when the neighbors heard gunshots

Shortly after arriving the officer called into the station to update the sergeant
Officer: "well sergeant, the old woman shot her husband because he walked through the kitchen while she was mopping the floor."
Sergeant: "did you arrest her?"
Officer: "no sir"
Sergeant: "why not?"
Offi...

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A writer moves to a rural area so he can focus on his writing without distractions

After getting settled in he sits down to start writing and is immediately disturbed by a knock on the door.

He answers to door to find an old scraggly looking man in dirty overalls, with very few teeth, and a long unkempt beard. The old man looks very excited to see him.


Howdy ne...

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

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An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at suns...

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.

She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams...

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

After cleaning up from a recent severe storm, my neighbor offered me free wood for my fireplace.

That was very nice of him. Free firewood doesn't grow on trees, you know.

After i saw my neighbor standing naked by the window I knew it couldn‘t get any better

I had just peeked

My Neighbor Is Trying To Argue That Spheres Have Corners

I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

A man sends a message to his upstairs neighbor

— Excuse me, neighbor! I’m sorry to bother you but I’m trying to get some sleep and I can hear your wife moaning upstairs.. would you guys mind keeping quieter?

— But I’m not even home..

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"

Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)

I was doing friendly finger pistols to a neighbor the other day on my way to the car.

I was later charged for assault with a handgun.

In a confession booth...

ME: I committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.

PRIEST: Wow I gotta hear this.

ME: I was angry and envious at my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and I didn't share.

PRIEST: You forgot pride.

ME: No, Im pretty proud of this.

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Whenever I'm constipated, I go hang out with my neighbor

Because, I swear, that guy annoys the shit out of me.

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One day Bill is on a walk, when he sees his new neighbor, John.

He greets him and they start getting to know each other.

"So what do you do for a living, John?"

"Well I'm a logic professor"

"What's that?"

"Instead of telling you, it would be easier if I showed you. Do you own a dog house?"

"Yes, I do"

"Well then ...

My neighbor got mad and said I've been driving her her husband to drink for the last six months....

What does she expect, I'm a cab driver.

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

A farmer ask his neighbor:

A farmer ask his neighbor: Do you have way to identify cows? I have two and i want to know which is which.

The neighbor, thinks:
Umm, you can cut the edge of the ear of only one of them.

The next week,
Farmer: I've tried your idea but the other cow got too close to the sharpe fi...

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

Outraged by a more than doubling of our city's water rates, my neighbor said he is uninstalling city water service from his home.

I advised him against doing this, and wished him well.

A guy is relaxing at home when he hears a loud banging on his front door. He opens the door to discover his next-door neighbor standing there looking outraged. "

What's the matter Bill?" he asks the neighbor. "I found your son's name written with pee in the snow between our houses!" he responds. "What's the big deal? He's a kid. Kids do that stuff". I'll tell you the big deal! It was in my daughter's handwriting!"

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"

"Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"

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The doctor gave an old patient a canister and said to bring in a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the patient returned, but the canister was empty.

He said, "I tried with my right hand, but it didn't work."

"I tried with my left hand, but it didn't work."

"I called in my wife and she tried with her right hand, but it still didn't work. Then she tried with her le...

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A man goes on vacation and leaves his neighbor to watch his cat

The man comes back home and his neighbor meets him at the door.

"Dude, your cat got hit by a car and died while you were gone."

The man is distraught, "man, you can't just drop a bomb straight up like that! You've gotta soften the blow!"

"Soften it how," the neighbor asks.
...

I’m not claiming my neighbor is in the mob, but...

There was a mole in my yard and I asked him to help me kill it.
He asked if it needed to look like an accident.

What did the robot do after being caught sleeping with the neighbor’s wife?

Nut and Bolt

A Russian family always ate very bland food. However, one day they invited their Mexican neighbor over for dinner. When little Ivan asked his Babushka while their food tasted so much more flavorful, she replied:

Jesus is the reason for the season.

Our neighbors dog would often play the piano

His Bach was worse than his bite

My neighbor's girlfriend said he was the brightest light in her world.

Man, that world must be awful dark.

My neighbor asked if I could pitch in money to help him buy the world's largest piece of sports equipment, and then get 5 friends to also.

I refused. I know it's just a big racket.

Dad: Hey, what happened to our neighbor?

Son: She got attacked by a group of mimes

Dad: Oh no, is she okay

Son: No, they did unspeakable things

My neighbor just walked by with two dogs.

I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs."

He replied, "They're not my dogs. They're my sister's."

I said, "Wow, your sisters are ugly!"

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We used to have a moat around our yard that the neighbors’ donkeys would always fall into when they came onto our property.

It was a real ass hole.

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I gave my neighbor the benefit of the doubt when he said he'd stop hoarding stuff.

He won't give it back.

Yesterday, I saw my apartment neighbor trying to kick in his own door

I knew he was a criminal, and had served some time for theft and B&E but I wasn't aware that he was crazy.

So I cautiously asked him what he was doing.

He replied, "Working from home."

I ran over my neighbor's cat the ither day..

And I felt really bad about it so I told her that I will replace her cat. She said "that's all well and good but how are you at catching mice?"

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

In the middle of the night, my neighbor stole the entire protective barrier that surrounds my property. He asked if I was mad...

Needless to say, a fence was taken.

I've decided to stand up to my upstairs neighbors.

After all, they've been walking over me since I moved in.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

My neighbors have just moved 1000 miles to San Diego to beat Covid-19.

Apparently they're SoCal distancing.

I before e

Except for when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

My neighbor has found out the scariest Halloween front yard decoration ever

Its a vote for trump sign

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

My neighbor came over to help me with pulling out some unwanted trees

Now I'm stuck with a bunch of ash-holes.

My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school.

He didn't make the cut.

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her righ...

Little Jack's neighbors have a newborn baby..

Little Jack's neighbors have a newborn baby but unfortunately he was born without ears.

When Jack's family is invited to the neighbors to see the child, Jack's father takes him aside and explains:

\- This child is their greatest joy and they wanted him for a long time! Do not say anyt...

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I ran over my neighbors cat this morning

I was running late for work and as I’m rushing out of the house I backed up without checking my surroundings. To my surprise I felt a bump and heard a yelp.

I get out of my car and instantly recognized my neighbors cat — I felt terrible. Feeling it was the right thing to do, I went and grabb...

A Construction joke,

This Guy lives in a bad neighborhood and every night, when he walks home, he grabs a couple of cobblestones in each hand, for protection from thieves and muggers....

After some time, there is a pile of cobblestones outside his home...

His Contractor neighbor notices and asks, "What's ...

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After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy,

the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. “It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age,” the neighbor said. “Sexuality?! ” the mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!”

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was e...

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Two neighbors, Sam and Rick, are having a smoke outside their houses.

Sam asks Rick, "Do you like dumb women?"

Rick: Of course not.

Sam: What about women who drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney?

Rick: Why would I love someone like that?

Sam: What about women who can't cook?

Rick: Hell no. Why are you asking me all this?
...

A guy texts his neighbor...

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

‟Bob, I am sorry.. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you'er not around, prbably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer....

My neighbor is a cougar into BDSM

You could say she is into strapping young lads.

My Neighbor is so Dumb

I told her to get prepared because the Blizzard of 2020 is coming.

She started jumping up and down, laughing, and screaming with delight

I said, "Why are you so happy?"

She said, "I love it when Dairy Queen gets new items"

There are three men on an airplane

One has a spear, one has a hand grenade, and the last one has a bomb. The first man throws the spear from the plane and then parachutes down to where it landed. After landing he finds a kid crying and says "Kid, why are you crying?" And through tears the kid says "A spear came down from the sky and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had a neighbor named Richard Noggin.

He was a real dick head

Where's the annoying neighbor you told me about? I don't see him anymore.

"Hes in the garden"

"Really? "

"Yeah, but you have to dig a bit."

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