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I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs!

I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

a german bar opened in our neighborhood

i'm a curious guy so i get in

i ask the bartender: "can i get a glass of punch?"

he says: "sir, we are german, we are efficient and practical, there's a line for each beverage"

i look over and what do you know, i see a queue for each drink!

there's a long line just for wh...

Tried starting a hermits association club in my neighborhood

It was really nice. No one turned up. Think I'm on to something.

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through a bad neighborhood?

One was assaulted!




I'll show myself to the door now

Saw a kid riding a bike that looked the same as mine in my neighborhood

I freaked out and went to my garage. Luckily he was still there; chained up and begging for food.

I live in a poor neighborhood. Last week, I got my bike stolen

Because I couldn’t afford to buy it.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

I bought a pedometer and tested it with a quick walk around the neighborhood.

I'm moving away as soon as possible.

Ukrainians who are fleeing the war in their home country may be forced to immigrate and settle in host countries around the world. These are ordinary, hard working families that just want to live peaceful lives. Should a Ukrainian family move into your neighborhood, remember...

Stay off their lawn.

I was walking my dog through the neighborhood when his leash broke, he ran off, and headed straight into a Chinese restaurant.

I ran inside and found him in the kitchen. To my horror, he was peeing on all the cookware! The cooks were yelling at him angrily, so I stepped in and said, "Please don't be mad at him. I'm the one who said he needed to go on a wok."

A man wins a neighborhood door prize.

it's a toilet brush, and a week later, some of the guys invited him him to their weekly poker game. While there, one of them asks, "Hey Ollie, how's that toilet brush, the one you won from us neighbors?" Ollie responds, "Well, it works real good, but I prefer toilet paper."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The ma...

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

I was taking a walk around the neighborhood…

…when I saw a man pull up next to a little girl walking on the sidewalk and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop."

I was about to rush over when I noticed that the girl just kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two ...

The entire neighborhood got together to discuss what to do about that crazy guy on our street ...

... I'm a bit annoyed that I was the only one not invited.

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I decided to brighten the neighborhood by planting an array of dildos over my boundary wall...

My neighbor is livid but his wife is still on the fence

OMFG!! there was a kidnapping in my neighborhood!

It took both parents almost a minute to wake him up.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into his favorite neighborhood bar and is shocked to see that all the dart boards are now hanging from the ceiling. "This is ridiculous!" he complains to the bartender. "It really makes me want to throw up."

As an author I was excited about moving into a neighborhood with exclusively author residents...

But I've come to regret it, now I'm constantly in a writers block.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a donation for the neighborhood pool...

I gave a glass of water.

A man got arrested for destroying all of the clocks in his neighborhood.

When he was asked why he did such a thing the man replied:
I just wanted to kill some time.

Cooking steak...

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for t...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending ra...

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A salesman was making the rounds in a neighborhood...

He knocked on a door, and after a while a teenage boy answered wearing a bra and panties, high heels and makeup.

The salesman said, "ahem, um, son are your parents home?"

The boy said, "What the fuck do you think?"

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Last day on the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

A man moves into a new neighborhood closer to his workplace so he can walk to work.

On his first day walking to work in the morning, he’s walking past a house and in the window he sees a woman hit her son over the head with a loaf of bread.

Each morning as he walks to work he sees the woman hit the boy over the head with a loaf of bread. Everyday it’s the same.

Then...

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NSFW (Joke Translated from Arabic) A man goes to the pharmacy for Viagra...

He askes the pharmacist if the viagra really works and will make him last long?

The pharmacist says "yes! And now the box is on sale for $15.00!"

The man says "I only have a $20.00, can you make change?"

The pharmacist does not have change. So the man takes his little blue pill...

n a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.

Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agre...

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A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.

It’s their Tit for Tat special.

Attack dog

A couple living in a dodgy neighborhood agree to get a mean-looking dog for protection. The wife goes to a breeder and tells him what she needs. He points to a tiny, chiuaua-like dog and says "Ma'am, that's the meanest one we have." She obviously doesn't believe him so he says "Attack dog, the fence...

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I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

Two gas company servicemen

a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter....

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An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week.

An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week. As a way to say thanks to the community, he offers to take down and rebuild a brand new deck at the bar. The bar owner, who practically lives at the bar day-in day-out, doesn't want t...

Guy takes wife to the Doctor

Doc, I don’t really know how to explain what’s wrong with here and she doesn’t know either, but she ain’t the same.

Doc examines her for two hours, all kinds of tests. Finally proclaims it’s either AIDS or Alzheimer’s.

Husband asks what do I do with her now.

Doc says “Drop her o...

The Shortcut

The shortest way from a pub towards the neighborhood was through a cemetery. One night, a man that was not that drunk, decides to take the shortcut but ends up falling into a freshly dug grave.

The grave was quite deep for him and the man lifted himself on the toes trying to feel the top edge...

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night

The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,

"May I ple...

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An old man is sitting on his porch one morning watching the neighborhood

He notices a boy walking by with a roll of chicken wire. He calls over to the boy and asks him what he’s doing with the chicken wire. The boy replies “I’m going to use this chicken wire to go catch some chickens”. The man laughs it off but that afternoon he sees the boy walking back by his house wit...

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night.

The police told us to stay in our houses until they'd shot him

A bunch of crows live in our neighborhood so I am constantly making jokes about "(attempted) murder."

It's not that funny anymore and it's driving my wife insane, but I'm just setting up a big laugh for when the judge reads the charges against her.

I joined the neighborhood watch program last night...

There’s 7 of us, so I get to wear it 1 day a week.

A young child tells her mom she was playing "doctor" with another boy in the neighborhood.

Mom is somewhat shocked and curious about what this "doctor play" entailed. She asked her daughter "what did you do?"

The daughter replies "oh nothing. I just sat in the exam room waiting for him to show up, and he ended up charging my insurance twice.

A cop just knocked on my door...

...and tells me that a couple of dogs have been spotted chasing some kids around the neighborhood on bikes. He then asked if my dogs had been loose at all today, to see if it could have been them. I told him, "Sir, my dogs don't even know how to ride bikes."

I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo

A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".

What do you call the worst Italian neighborhood?

The spaghetto.

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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

A Mailman is Delivering Some Mail Around a Neighborhood.

A little girl goes up to the mailman and asks:

“Why are you doing your job for free? You should be payed some money for your services.”

The Mailman says: “Oh honey, It’s not about the money. it’s about sending a message.”

Karen calls the police due to a blackout in her neighborhood

Karen: Excuse me, there's a black out in my neighborhood!

Police: Call Centerpoint Energy.

Karen: You don't understand, he's still here!

Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.

When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.

“Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping?” The other woman laughed.

“No,” the woman answered “But I asked my husband...

In my old neighborhood, we lived next to a family of rich potatos...

...we went over to have dinner at their mansion, and you could tell there was tension in the air. The father tater was fuming and the mother tater looked distraught. The daughter tater who looked very upset, finally broke the silence and said, 'but I want to marry Sean Hannity, I want to!' The fathe...

I love dalmatian puppies, but the only pups in my neighborhood are all white.

I spotted one this morning.

On Halloween don't wear a dinosaur costume in bad neighborhoods.

You'll get Jurasskicked.

The kids in my neighborhood are so rich

They are still TPing houses.

A cop was patrolling a neighborhood after receiving a call from dispatch about suspicious activity.

He stopped a man walking past and asked, "Seen anything unusual?"

"I saw a dolphin wearing a hat once," said the man.

"I meant around here," the cop said annoyed.

*"Nah man, they live in the water."*

A man finds himself repairing a fence

A man finds himself repairing a fence in front of his house. The fence is old and rickety, and he has to replace a number of the sections. 

He digs a plank out, and places a new one in the same hole, but his wife comes out and tells him,

 “I’ve always wanted the fence to be a little cl...

Usain Bolt can reach speeds up to 30 miles per hour. So in certain suburban neighborhoods, he might get arrested.

For being black.

A priest walked into a black neighborhood

He wanted to see his child hood friend.

There was a kidnapping in my neighborhood.

After about half an hour of nap, the kid woke up and went to play.

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Yall watch out. My lady said there is some weirdo running around the neighborhood.

She said he is offering a bottle of wine if the woman shows him her boobs.

She also says the wine taste terrible.

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Why does Viagra sell badly in low-income neighborhoods?

Because the boys in the hood are always hard.

A 5G cell tower was built in a rural neighborhood

After the cell tower was erected, people living near the tower started reporting worrying symptoms, such as, as dizzy spells, vomiting, and insomnia.

Over the next few months, these symptoms increased in both frequency and intensity--sometimes people would completely lose consciousness and fa...

What kind of neighborhood is Parmesan usually found in?

A grated community.

I was walking around my neighborhood and I saw that the funeral home was completely packed.

I guess people were really dying to get in there.

I saw a sign on the side of the road, in a nice neighborhood, it said "drive like your kids live here"...

So I drove away.

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

A man lives in a largely democratic neighborhood

He starts hanging up a “Trump 2020” sign. All of his neighbors see it, and tear it down. He puts up a new one. They tear it down. After he puts a third “Trump 2020” sign up, his neighbors approach him.

“Why are you hanging up a Trump sign? We always though you liked Biden!”

“I do” repl...

My dad has taken to walking the streets of our neighborhood dressed as a nun.

We're trying hard to get him out of the habit.

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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

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A CNN reporter walks into a neighborhood tavern

And is about to order a drink when he sees a guy at the end of the bar wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat.

It didn’t take an Einstein to know the guy was a Donald Trump supporter.

The CNN guy shouts over to the bartender, loudly enough that everyone in the bar could hear, “Drinks...

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

A Rabbi moves into a Christian neighborhood

Next Sunday, he watches his neighbors wash their cars. First neighbor takes a bucket of water and dumps it over his car's hood. Second neighbor takes a bucket of water and dumps it over his car's hood.

The Rabbi went into the shack, got his iron saw and cut off the tip of his car's exhaust pi...

A blonde woman looking to make extra cash goes into a rich neighborhood....

She comes across a house, knocks on the door and a man opens the door. “I am looking for work and would do anything”. The man looks at his porch and sees it needs some serious paint asks her to paint it for $100. She agrees. He shows her to the paints in his garage and she gets to work. About an hou...

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood

Who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
The beleaguered woman said, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."

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A Chinese family moved into my neighborhood when I was in high school...

They had a pair of twins, named Ving and Ling, who were my age. I liked Ving, but his sister Ling was kind of a bitch. Eventually, Ling told me that he hated his name, and he wanted to change it. I asked him, "What do you want to change your name to?" and he said "Lee. You know, like Bruce Lee?" Lin...

I dont want any other races in my neighborhood

There's already a marathon in July and it makes getting home a nightmare

I just opened my own kosher hot dog stand in my neighborhood but business is suffering even though I've been told it's to die for.

So please support your local businesses and come on down to Anne's Franks. You won't regret it!

British guy immigrates to USA

chatting with his girlfriend (now in distance), she asks him how he finds his new place

"not bad",he answers "but the neighborhood is missing u"

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and reminisced through the halls.


On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of a...

Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.

She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message.


As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! ...

I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end

The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in

In my community we have a neighborhood watch,

It's actually more like a clock tower.

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A daddy dog was taking his puppy for a walk in the neighborhood.

As they came upon an empty tin can he said to his son: "While we are taking our stroll I will teach you three lessons, this is the first one, so watch carefully." And he went to the tin can and licked it clean on the inside.

They went on, on the other side of the road there came a lady dog, l...

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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The...

How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood?

He uses his spider census.

What’s it called when you knock up everyone in your neighborhood in one night while disguising yourself?

Trick or Treating during Halloween.

Why can’t you drive through an Amish neighborhood?

No Outlets.

I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your children live here"

...so I turned off my headlights and pulled a stealthy u-turn right the hell out of there.

I just got a message from a brunette in my neighborhood saying:

"Helpmysildobrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Does anybody know what 'ternative' means?

My neighbors came around the neighborhood this morning with flyers complaining about how someone stole their delivered dinner from their front stoop last night.

If you ask me, it feels like an overreaction for some poorly seasoned vegetables, overcooked salmon, and the lemon-tinged green beans, all of which had already gone cold anyway.

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible...

A couple of guys stole hundreds of cans of Red Bull from our neighborhood store.

I don’t know how they can sleep at night.

American Tourist

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very hi...

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A beloved UPS man was moving away in his local neighborhood and he was doing his last deliveries...

the first home he went to a red head answered and gave him a card and a hug saying how much he will be missed and the best of luck! He gave her the package then and moved onto the next house. A brunette opened the door and kissed him on the cheek and a card saying he will be missed and the best of l...

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The girl next door is known as the neighborhood bicycle, so I asked her to have sex with me.

But she was two tired.

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Life pro tip: Be a dick to neighborhood kids

They’ll tp your house, then you’ll have toilet paper!

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First corona-related death in my neighborhood just happened

Bitch shouldn't have taken the last pack of toilet paper.

There’s a church in my neighborhood called the Glory House

Do you think their walls are holy?

How's a tornado in a bad neighborhood like an Alabama divorce?

Either way, someone's loosing a trailer.

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What's a neighborhood of chickens called?

A cockblock.

When daughter dresses inappropriately for Christmas Dinner.

Mom - Can't you dress like a lady for Christmas Dinner atleast. If you behave like a bad girl, Santa won't bring you presents.

Daughter - Mom I'm old enough now. How would know if I dressed inappropriately?

Mom - Don't you know he goes around the neighborhood on this reindeer sledge ye...

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years.

On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.

As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, t...

Want to hear a joke about extrinsic motivation?

An old man enjoyed sitting on his front porch every day until the elementary school bell rang and neighborhood kids walking past his porch stopped to taunt him from the sidewalk.
Finally, the old man came up with a plan.
He offered the children a dollar each if they’d return the next day...

A joke I was told by an old man I golfed with.

A man was at the bar with a couple of his neighbors. One of his friends says "Have you seen that new pool boy the Johnsons hired? I heard he's had his way with all the women in the neighborhood except one."

Worried, the man goes home and confronts his wife. "Honey I heard the new pool bo...

Weird names can bring problems

In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin sons very weird names. One was named Trouble, while the other boy's name was Mind Your Own Business. So, one day they were playing hide and seek. Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. But, som...

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A cocky young fellow walks into a quiet neighborhood pub on a rainy night...

and takes a seat next to an old man at the bar, who's by himself. "How's the field in here, grandpa?" he says, half joking.

"Sonnn, yerr waaastin' yerr time if ya think yyerrr goin' home with one'a these gooooody two-shoes!" the old man replies. He's getting drunk by the looks of it. ...

A rich man threw a party and invited the entire neighborhood...

In his backyard, in front of his lavish pool, he said to all party-goers, "In my pool are 10 alligators and 10 sharks. If anyone dare swim across, I will bestow them with anything their heart desires."

Not too long after that, a man is seen swimming frantically across the pool and manages to...

A stranger walks into a neighborhood bar (long)

A stranger walks into a neighborhood bar and hears a very strange conversation.

"Hey, Joey! Your wife is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits **around the house**!"

"Oh yeah, Bobby? 37!"

Bobby cringes as the crowd yells "oooooh" and laughs.

Joey then stands up...

A pervert was cruising the neighborhood in his van one afternoon when he saw a little boy playing in a cubby house in a front yard.

He wound down his window and said "Hey little boy, if I give you a candy, will you let me come inside your cubby house?" to which the boy replied "If you give me the whole packet you can come inside my mouth!"

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A man tells his wife that one of the neighbors fucked all the women in the neighborhood except for one...

The wife replies:
“Must be that bitch Alice down the street”

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This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..." He gulps down the whiskey and orders anoth...

Donations

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over and asked, "What's the problem, pal?" "My brother just told me there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $50 for a donation." "Yeah, so?"

"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a for...

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