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A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

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NSFW While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"...

A physicist sees a guy standing at the edge of a building about to jump.

He shouts:

"Don't do it! You have so much potential."

A man once said "you should live life on the edge"

Then he fell off his bed

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I can't get Mirror's Edge to work on my computer and it's pissing me off.

My friend told me the game runs on windows.

At the ceramic tile factory they have employee parties where they make the tiles stand on edge. Instead of commending the skill involved they make fun of eachother.

It is an erect tile diss function.

Chicken sitting on the edge of a bed...

...smoking a cigarette, content. Egg laying on the bed looking frustrated. The egg says well... I guess that answers THAT question!

We all have that one thing that pushes us over the edge

Mine was the Grand Canyon Tour Guide

Want to know how I KNOW the Earth isn’t flat?

Cats would’ve pushed everything off the edge by now.

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Business was bad, the small company was on the edge of bankruptcy.

The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.

"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."

"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.

The owner loo...

One day a chicken saw a duck standing by the edge of the road looking at the other side...

The chicken walked over to the duck and said “ don’t do it pal you will never here the end of it.”

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"The only ones who truly know where the edge is have already gone over."

"What the fuck have you done this is a nursing home for the blind goddammit Karen!!"







\*Pardon my french ladies.

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A Texas Redneck, Japanese Business Man and Mexican are standing next to each other on a cruise ship, looking over the edge of the ship.

After a period of silence, the Mexican takes out a nice bottle of tequila and throws it overboard, and says, “There is nice tequila like that all over Mexico, that bottle means nothing to me.”

In an attempt to one-up the Mexican, the Japanese man pulls out a brand new Sony laptop and throws i...

I just watched a reality show about flat earthers trying to find the edge of the world, and was a little disappointed.

The finale wasn’t a cliffhanger.

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar, and the bartender says..

Oh no not U2 again!

A landscaper is adding a bunch of sand along the edge of a pond...

He looks at the guy who owns the pond and asks "do you really want me doing this?"

The man snaps back, "YES! JUST KEEP WORKING!"

The landscaper replies "ok! Jeez! I'm just makin' shore!"

A buddy of mine is one of those “flat Earther’s.” He said he’s angry and going to the edge.

I have a feeling he’ll come around.

What do you call a cat that's on the edge of a cliff?

A precipuss.

The other day, my wife asked me if I could help her with a puzzle. She couldn't find any edges to start with and the colors all resembled each other.

After taking a look at the puzzle, I told her to put the corn flakes back in the box

My flat earther friend decided to walk to the edge of the earth to prove it was flat...

In the end, he came around.

Why are Microsoft employees never relaxed?

Because they’re always on Edge.

Old scissors both are and aren't cutting edge technology.

Facts.

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An attractive, but disturbed woman stands at the edge of a cliff. As she peers over the edge, she feels there's someone watching her. Just as she suspected, there's a homeless man staring at her. He asks, "If you're going to kill yourself anyway, you mind if we have sex first?"

She tells him to piss off and to leave her alone. Clearly upset, the man mumbles to himself, "Fine, I'll just wait at the bottom."

What is the difference between a piece of fabric with elastic around the edges, designed to go on a bed, and an unexpected bout of diarrhea when wearing sandals?

One is a fitted sheet...

I get really angry when Google Chrome crashes.

It gets me totally on Edge.

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"I want to prescribe you new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug"

"I would prefer to hear bad news first".

"Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, periodical urges to vomit, etc."

"And good news?"

"You won't give a fuck."

How do you send a girl with daddy issues over the edge?

Hi coming, I'm dad.

The most important browsers are IE and Edge.

You need them to download Chrome and Firefox.

A rancher was at the edge of his property one day, looking over his fence.

The rails looked great but water near the base had caused the fenceposts to rot and weaken. He took a picture of the fence, uploaded it to Imgur, and linked to it from r/jokes.





"Welp, that oughta do it," he said to himself. "Just gotta give it a couple of days and it'll be r...

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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
"I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, h...

A man walking along a cliffs edge falls over

As he falls he grabs root sticking out from the cliffs wall.

For dear life he screams and yells, “ CAN ANYONE HERE ME! I NEED HELP! DEAR GOD HELP ME!”

Loudly from the sky God speaks to him, “ My child, I’ll save anyone having faith in me. All you must do is release your hand from that...

I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff...

As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!"

So I started smiling...

Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke)

Because that's where students have the most potential.

Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser

Just to take the edge off

A reporter is standing at the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide[Long]

a reporter in a small town is standing on the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide when as he is about to jump a road worker approaches him and asks "Are you going to jump?" The reporter replies "yep, there hasn't been a story in this town for years and I'm tired of it." The road worker thinks for ...

Did you hear what happened to the criminal who walked too close to the edge of the hole?

He felon.

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her

I'm so annoyed at how much Microsoft tries to make me use their browser...

It's pushing me to the Edge

An astronaut who travelled to the edge of the universe noticed an anomalous reading...

...his shuttle readings came back to inform him there was a flat solid matter extending from his location to the universe's horizon, like a path.

He approached cautiously but a black hole suddenly formed behind the ship. The spacecraft went haywire, lights blinking, alarms blaring and he bare...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

Chrome and Microsoft edge were having an argument when suddenly...

Microsoft edge stopped responding

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

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Bar Joke!

A man named Bob takes an elevator to go to a bar on top of a building. When he gets there he sits at the bar next to a man.

The man leans over to Bob and says, “have you had the martinis at this place?”

Bob shakes his head so the man orders a martini and chugs it down.

“Watch ...

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A woman stands at the edge of a cliff...

...trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman answers, "No! And go away!"

The hobo turns to leave and mutters, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when...

...my wife said, "You spoil those dogs."

Three construction workers were on their lunch break, sitting on the edge of a cliff next to the site they were working on.

One of the workers was Italian. He yelled, "I'm sick of pasta! If my wife packs me pasta one more time I will jump off this cliff!". The second worker was French. He screamed, "I'm sick of these damn croissants! If my wife packs me a croissant one more time, I'll jump off this cliff as well!". The t...

I threw forty quarters into the air and every single one of them landed on the edge!

Perhaps I should have taken them out of the roll.

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A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pul...

[Long] A man lives near the edge of a forest with his wife.

The wife is a very kind woman. Every now and then she would find an injured animal in her backyard, and she would waste no time bringing it into their home and taking care of it until it recovers. The man doesn't mind the animals, just as long as they don't bother him.

However, during the wi...

Capitalism is dancing at the edge of the abyss.

Socialism, of course, is one step ahead of them.

I'm like Microsoft Edge

Nobody likes me, but I'm edgy

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A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump...

a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!" The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years." The woman replied "No, you're disgusting." The homeless man turne...

What do you call the knight who measures the edge of the round table?.

Sir cumfrence.

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

Two kittens are sitting at the edge of a slide. Which falls first?

The one with the lower mu

A tourist came too close to the edge of the Grand Canyon

A tourist came too close to the edge of the Grand Canyon, lost his footing and
plunged over the side, clawing and scratching to save himself. After he went out of sight and just before he fell into space, he encountered a scrubby bush which he desperately grabbed with both hands. Filled with terr...

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Three men were running from a Persian army when they came to the edge of a cliff...

With nowhere else to run, they prayed to their God for help, and an angel appeared. The angel said, "I will allow you to run and jump off this cliff to test your faith, and the first thing you scream after jumping will be what you transform into..."

The first man without hesitation ran and ju...

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Do you know why a farmer fucks his sheep on the edge of a cliff?

It's so the sheep pushes back!

*George Carlin*

What do you call a cauliflower growing at the edge of a garden?

a border cauli!

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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:


"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake....

If flat-earthers really tried to find the edge of the world...

They'd still be going around in circles.

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A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will so...

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

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A man, a woman, and a dog are all about to go over the edge of a canyon in a car.

The man and woman get into a heated argument about bad driving, and whose fault this is.
The argument is cut short by the car's horn beeping repeatedly while the dog barks excessively. Glaring at the woman, the man bitterly complains, "Well it doesn't fucking matter, we're about to die anyway. Bu...

I've started blunting knives to help myself relax.

Really takes the edge off.

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I live on the edge.....

Because my ass is to fat to fit on the seat

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How to shower like a woman

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN



1) Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2) Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3) Look at your womanly physique...

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

I paid a visit to an old friend who bought a farm on the edge of town.

He was very busy on the farm but said he had to run to town to pick up supplies and I should come along and we could catch up. The town was small enough that it had only one traffic light that we were approaching as the light was red. But my buddy just sped right through at about 50 mph without eve...

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ISIS has reportedly acquired a shitload of cutting edge weapons technology from the Korean black market.

Recent photographs suggest that the technology is known to have an Iris Scanner, S Pen, a 12 MP primary camera and a really mindBLOWING battery life.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious?" "Yes," he said, I said, "me t...

The Edge walks into a bar.

U2 guitarist The Edge walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll ......................................... have a pint of Guinness."

The bartender replies "What's with all the delay?"

I know how to deal with all of the stupid antivax people!

Push them off the edge of the earth!

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A newpaper seller, stands on the edge of a cliff...

he says to himself, "Shit, I'm a newpaper seller, but I haven't got any more papers to sell. Might as well just end it all now." A brick layer overhears him and replies, "Shit, I'm a brick layer, but I haven't got any more bricks to lay, and if you're going to go, I might as well go with you." A lum...

What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range?

Router Limits!

A priest, a bishop, and the Pope are enjoying a leisurely day of fishing...

...when the bishop stands up, rocking their dinghy a little as he stretches. "Well, I'm parched!" he announces. "Back in a verse," he adds before stepping out of the boat, casually walking across the lake to the cooler. *Amazing, he is truly blessed by the Lord to walk across water,* thinks the Pope...

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I'm On the Edge About Masturbation

On one hand, it feels great.
On the other, I can't feel a thing.

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