I got a friend who is a demolition expert. One day, I made a bet with him, a dollar that he couldnt raze the whole neighbourhood

No matter who wins, its still four quarters gone

A Blonde woman moves into a brand new neighbourhood,

The following evening her house catches fire and starts burning quickly, she quickly calls emergency services and gets put through to the fire department,
Blonde: Hello my house is burning down, you must come quickly.
Fire Chief: Ok no problem tell us where you live.
Blonde: It's a new h...

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

son: dad, some guys from the neighbourhood are on the gate calling you.

dad: what are they saying.

son: i dont know, but they have a box saying donation for swimming pool.

father.: cool, son go give them a glass of water.

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

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Today i asked the hot girl in my neighbourhood what are her Plans for next month

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited for October

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused.

A man comes in and asks him "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So what happened that's so horrible?"

Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about ...

The Sahara's trendiest neighbourhood has a new shop.

Store in a cool dry place.

Did you hear about the new LEGO store in the neighbourhood?

Folks are lining up for blocks!

A Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off....

An old man was tired of reading about local muggings of seniors in his neighbourhood. (Long)

Determined to not sit back and see the crime wave continue any longer, he decided to take action.

The old fellow learned that according to victim statements and witnesses, the perpetrator was a fairly large woman who walked up to frail seniors and demanded money under threat.

Knowing...

Rough neighbourhood

It's so rough where I'm from. That when the church lights candles for the dead the residents use them to heat their spoons



(did this joke for a charity gig)

A french canadian owned a primate as pet. While walking his pet in a mixed neighbourhood, the primate snatched his car key and ran off. The guy shouted for help.

Mon Key!!!!

Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small for them....

We are a very tight knit community.

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Two neighbourhood ladies were chatting over the fence

Suddenly, one of them says, "OMG, my husband will be home in a minute. I must rush home and make his dinner". She runs into the house and grabs the first thing she sees, a can of dog food.Sticks it in the micro-wave, heats it up and places it before him just in time for his dinner.

Next day s...

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How to be American

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood; His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.

Deciding h...

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A married couple have just moved to a new neighbourhood. They have a wonderful sex life.

I'm translating this joke from my mother language, I hope you like it.

A married couple have just moved to a new neighbourhood. They have a wonderful sex life. Every night the neighbours hear their moans and screams of lust.

One day the wife heared someone knocking on their door. She o...

My friends garage

I was speaking to my friend the other day about the fact he leaves his garage full of stuff completely open all the time and if he was worried about anything getting stolen.

I said to him, "You either have a massive pair of bollocks, or nothing worth stealing"

He ranted about how safe...

A woman calls her mother and says: "Mom, I've got a new boyfriend. His name is Jim and he's a postman in your neighbourhood."

- Jim? But he could be your father!

- Yes, he is a bit old, but age is just a number!

- Darling, I don't think you understand what I mean...

My local neighbourhood committee leader lost his position recently

Needless to say he was dis-appointed

A new tattoo studio opened in my neighbourhood which offered free sessions to any women who flashed the artist.

It was called 'Tit for Tat'

The other day a group of guys robbed all the anti-depressants from the pharmacy up the street from me and now my whole neighbourhood is terrified

Hope they're happy

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A hermit crab decided to move into a lovely new home in a swanky neighbourhood.

He really had to shell out for that place.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

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A woman, pregnant with triplets, takes a walk in a bad neighbourhood.

She is caught in the crossfire during a drive-by shooting. She's rushed to hospital and given a scan immediately. The sonographer gives her the results.

"It seems that you've been very lucky. A bullet has lodged in the intestines of each of your children, but all three appear healthy. We wil...

TIFU by plugging in the wrong speaker into my computer, causing a blackout in my neighbourhood

Whoops, wrong sub

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it.

You need 9 lives to pay it off.

Ps - should this be in /showerthoughts?

Cable guys was just in my neighbourhood, asked me what time it was..

I said between 8am-1pm..

A Pastor in a neighbourhood pub.

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should....

I'm living in a rough neighbourhood...

Some thug tore the front and back pages of my dictionary out!
It just goes from Bad to Worse

A planet is a celestial body that is in orbit around a star, has sufficient gravity to make itself round and has cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit.

That’s why Pluto isn't a planet but your mum is.

Wow a lot of police in my neighbourhood tonight...

Apparently, the barber got arrested. He was dealing in drugs and running an escort service. Crazy how you think that you know someone, have been customer for years! Never knew he was a barber too...

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There's a doctor who goes around my neighbourhood handing out body parts...

...he gives me the willies.

How do you know if your neighbourhood is french?

The landlord is missing

A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude


---------------/


An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...

What did the hipster say when a Starbucks opened in his neighbourhood?

“You can’t gentrify this place! I just moved here!”

In a neighbourhood there were two little brothers, Jim and Jake...

Jim was 12, and Jake was 9, and they were two little devils.

They ran around stealing stuff from the neighbours, and whenever something went missing on the neighbourhood, everyone knew it was their fault.

One day, after they stole somethign yet again, their mother said: "I'm done with ...

Me and my wife moved to a new neighbourhood and the new neighbours invited us over to a barbecue.

We had a nice meat and great.

What do you call a neighbourhood full of idle novelists?

Writer's block.

I was fed up with being burgled and robbed every other day in my neighbourhood...

The alarm system was of no use so I tore it out and deregistered from our ineffective local Neighbourhood Watch.
Instead, I've Planted a Syrian, Afghanistan, Yemeni and Iranian flag in four corners of my front garden.
Now, The city police, The National Security Bureau, MI-5, MI-6, The CIA And...

What does a suburban neighbourhood do if there's a blackout?

They lock their doors and windows.

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood...

And my mom would constantly yell at the top of her lungs “get back inside boy, there’s a goddamn junkie heading this way!”

Now that I’m an adult she yells “get back inside you goddam junkie there’s a boy heading this way!”

What do you call a rough Italian neighbourhood?

A spaghetto

Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, Sandy tells his mo...

Ive seen this place, filled with hills and green grass, people party and eat and just chill out. They live for hundreds of years in peace. Virtually no crime. sunshine most days, nice families, quaint neighbourhood...

anyone else notice there are no black hobbits in the shire?

A lady and her husband arr at the hospital to give birth to their baby

Just before the operation, she starts to get panic attacks due to stories she's heard of the immense pain. The doctors offer an alternative solution.

Doctor: "We've procured a machine that transfers the pain felt by the mother to the father. But be warned, the pain will be like nothing you've...

There was a blackout in my neighbourhood last night.......

The police told us to stay inside until they caught him.

Staying safe

A young woman was walking through the park late one night on her way home. Known to be a risky part of the neighbourhood, she feared the worst when a sinister looking man stopped her in her tracks. The man, while eyeing the handbag she had slung on her side, questioned, "where are you heading lady?"...

So I went to ask about some yoga classes in my neighbourhood as it's my first time. The instructor asked me if I was flexible...

... I said "I can't do Tuesdays."

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Grandma joke

3 teenagers are walking in their neighbourhood, when they come across a house with an red apple tree in the garden.

The 3 go over the fence and steal some apples to eat.

While they are eating the apples, the grandma sees them and shouts:“Hey don’t steal my apples you little shits”
<...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unen...

Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys wer...

When I was little, my Dad built me a giant Scrabble board which was big enough to run around on.

One day I propped up the board on boxes and saw horses.

Then I organised a little show for the neighbourhood kids and their parents, which I presented from my big Scrabble board.

It was a play on words.

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Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

A joke my dad used to tell us when we were young (translated)

A guy goes to visit an old friend in Rome that he went to school with called Henderson. They go for a walk in the city and every few feet they get stopped by people calling " oh Hey Henderson, nice to see you!" and Henderson replies "oh hello, nice to see you too". After a while the guy is getting ...

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An attractive woman is in bed with her secret lover.

She hears her husband come home unexpectedly and tells her naked lover to jump into the wardrobe and hides his clothes. The husband walks into the bedroom to find his wife reading. “Hello honey, I got off work early and went to the gym, I desperately need a shower”. He opened the wardrobe door to ge...

No one believes seniors...

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It w...

Ice Cream Suicide

Last week a body was discovered in the back of an ice cream van in my neighbourhood. It was the the driver, and he was covered in hundreds and thousands, suger stars and chocolate flakes. Seems he must have topped himself.

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts calling numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking in his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very
tough neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.

The guy says, You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I
had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.
The bartender says 'Prove it'. ...

A woman is pregnant with triplets.

She lives in a terrible neighbourhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive-by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them....

A blonde needed some money

A blonde was desperate for money. So she decided to go to the richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. ‘Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?’

‘Sure,’ smiled the blonde, ‘I’ll do it for $100.’...

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A poop walks into a bar.

He jumps up onto a bar stool and sits there for a moment, waiting to be served.

The barman spots the poop on the stool, looks around the bar and shouts, "HEY! How did this get here?!"

"Well, it's a long story... " says the poop, "basically, I woke up in the sewer last year and sudden...

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A bad smell follows the bastard

A woman came home from work one day, and her husband of fifteen years had a rather dramatic message for her: he wanted a divorce.

Understandably, she was quite devastated by the news, and to make matters worse he demanded she move out of their home before the end of the month. He offered her ...

This is a long joke but the build up is worth it

Somewhere far away from here, there was a horse, a cow and a chicken. The horse had always wanted to start a band, so he learnt to play the guitar, while he was learning, he started looking for others who would be interested in joining his band, and found a chicken who was really good at singing and...

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There once was a country with strict population growth rules.

The population was so low, the government had enacted a law that required all couples to have children within 5 years of their marriage. Should a couple fail to produce a child during this period, a government official would be sent to "get the job done".

Such was the situation of a couple, w...

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Freddie died in a fire

Freddie was a well respected member of his community, however his two best friends James and Thomas were a lot more boisterous and seen as a bit dim witted amongst the neighbourhood. One night Freddie's house catches on fire and Freddie is engulfed in the flames.

The next day a police office...

The Number Bar

So, a man moves into a new neighbourhood. On the first night there he decides to go to a bar to try and get to know the local culture. As he walks into the bar a man yells out,

'Seventy-six.'

Every on else in the bar starts to laugh. So the man thinks, 'that's pretty weird', but never...

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionai...

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Give me two good reasons

Today, all schools reopened after a long summer vacation.

In one home in our neighbourhood, early this morning, a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “Awww Mom! I don’t want to go to school.”
MOM : “Give me two good reas...

Closing brothel

In a neighbourhood, there was a brothel closing down and selling or giving away furniture. Alongside the furniture was a parrot that was left behind, which had earned an experience from looking around and hearing stuff there. So an elderly wife with two children, a son and a daughter, decided to go ...

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Missionary

I heard this joke in my native language, so I hope it makes sense in English.

There's this married couple, and the wife is tired of having sex only in the missionary style, so she tells her husband, "Go hang out with your friends, talk to them, listen to their ideas about different sex styles...

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Dmitri the Great

Dmitri is standing on the hill with his nephew Costa. Below them is a magnificent harbour filled with beautiful ships and yachts. Dmitri says "I used to be a shipbuilder. A lot of these yachts came from my yard. Famous people from all over the world used to come to me so I could build them yacht...

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Is there really racial inequality in America?

Because in my neighbourhood as a kid, EVERY time a white kid got a new bike, a black kid got a new bike.

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The old mailman retires

It's been 35 years that he's worked in the same area. He was well loved in the neighbourhood, so the people who knew him and loved him decided to surprise him on his last day. At one house, the whole family was waiting for him and they give the old mailman a huge gift bag. At another house, they giv...

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American Customs

A China-man decides to retire and move to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He bought a home on a small piece of land.

A few days after moving in the friendly American neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-w...

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Mother superior is doing the orientation ...

of the new nun. The neighbourhood is rough and so she thought she would put some hypotheticals. "What would you do if you were walking alone at night and got cornered by a man on who demanded to have sex with you?"

"Well, I would ask him to drop his pants." replied the new nun coolly
...

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The old man and the boy

There once was an old man who sat on his porch all day and watched life go by. It was relaxing and interesting for him. One day, he saw a neighbourhood boy walk past with some chicken wire.

He shouted "Why you got all that chicken wire boy?" to which they reply was "Gonna catch me some chick...

Annoying Husband

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could heard deep into the night the old man would shout,"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and comeback and haunt you for the rest of...

A blonde woman decides to start a handyman service to make some extra money.

She walks around a wealthy neighbourhood and walks up to the first house.

A man answers the door and she asks if there is anything she can do. He tells her "The porch needs painting, how much would that cost?"

She replies "How does $50 sound?" He agrees and she gets to work.

Whe...

I don't mind being back on my meds...

I just think it's sad that at the same time all the dogs in the neighbourhood stopped talking to me.

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A man walks into a sex shop... (NSFW)

During a dry spell, a man decides that usual masturbation is no longer satisfying his needs and decides to pop down to his local neighbourhood sex shop to purchase an inflatable doll with which to sate himself

Upon arriving at the store, the assistant asks "Would you like a male or a female ...

A butcher in London...

So there's a butcher who lives in one of the more run down neighbourhoods of London. As such, he constantly has to deal with petty thieves trying to steal meat out of his shop. He's not an educated man, but he becomes quite crafty in protecting his livelihood. One day, the Duke of Wellington passes ...

A man walks out of his office during a thundershower...

and, lo and behold, there's an empty taxi right there! He hops in and remarks to the driver how lucky he is to get a taxi in such weather. The cabbie turns to him and says, "You obviously have perfect timing...just like Sheldon."
"Who?"
"Sheldon Schwartz. Now that guy was a guy who did everyth...

Religious traditions

Back in the 1950's a Catholic neighbourhood was settling down to eat their Friday night fish when they smelled a delicious steak wafting from the recently-purchased house nearby. The men of the neighbourhood looked and saw their new neighbour having a BBQ. They looked at their fish but remained stoi...

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Washing cars

One day, little Jimmy was walking home from school when something catches his eye. Peering into a shop window he saw a brand new red bicycle. "Wow," he thought to himself, "that sure is a great looking bike but neither my parents or I can afford it!". Jimmy stares at it in admiration for a few minut...

How to save $49.95 a month.

I have disconnnected my home alarm system and de- registered from the neighbourhood watch.I've got two pakistani flags reised in the front yeard, one at each corner and the black flag of the ISIS in the center.

The RCMP, CSIS the FBI, CIA, MI5, MI6, NSA and other agencies are all watching the...

A joke from my country

[something you should know is that drivers mostly take a certain fair for each person and not a fair which will be divided among the passengers no matter how many]

Here's the joke:

A lady is in the hospital after she had a surgery. Her neighbourhood friends want to visit her, so they r...

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Dave is tired of the corporate world and city life so he moves to a small country town....

After a few weeks of not seeing a single soul there was a knock on his door. He opens it to be greeted by a man.

"Welcome to the neighbourhood, my name is Jimbob. I'm your neighbour and would like to invite you to a party"

"That sounds great!" Dave replies.

"Oh it will be, there...

My neighbour was about to lose his house.

So i decided to organise a neighbourhood wide charity orgy to help him.
It was truly awe inspiring to see the whole neighbourhood come together like that.

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