A friend told me not to dwell on the past.

I think about that a lot.

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

"Don't dwell on the past,don't dream about the future", is one of the most beautiful thoughts, was it Buddha?

Naw, it's just Congressman Roy Moore's Republican campaign slogan.

What's the difference between and elemtary school and a terrorist dwelling?

Your guess is as good as mine.... I'm just a drone pilot

joke

what do you call it when you have too many land dwelling animals?

extra terrestrials.

What do you call a city-dwelling dwarf that keeps perfect time?

A metro-gnome

A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The panda eats the sandwich, whips out a pistol, and shoots the waiter dead. As he is walking towards the exit, the bartender yells “HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DIDNT PAY FOR THAT SANDWICH AND YOU JUST SHOT MY WAITER!”

The panda bear just...

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World’s Smartest Native American

I and some buddies of mine were on vacation one year. We were driving on a long, dusty, barren road when we see a sign on the side of the road that says “World’s Smartest Native American”. So being all smug, we decide to go and check it out.

We get inside his dwelling and because we were so...

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When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

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Times are hard at the small office....

...and the manager needs to make a difficult decision to reduce headcount.
He has two employees in consideration; the first employee, Jack, has been with the firm for 20 years. He's rock solid, is a top performer, and is a real team player.

The other employee was only recently hired: she'...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

A lawyer and the pope go to heaven...

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.

The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book.

He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also.

"Now, if you will co...

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The longest joke I know

A mime had just been kicked off his street corner and was looking for a place to perform. He decides to go to the zoo where all the kids are and maybe get more attention. Well it works and he is a natural crowd pleaser. People gather around him and he is getting all the attention. This goes on for a...

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A Koala walks into a bar...

So he sits down and after a while of chatting with the barkeep he starts to notice a girl eyeing him from across the bar. So he goes and talks to her and after some flirting they decide to go upstairs

So they go upstairs and get into the 69 position and when its all said and done the koala go...

An old Tahitian legend...

As the legend goes, when the Tahitians first found their island, after they had settled in, they decided to build a grand central hall for their new settlement. Unlike contemporary Europeans, though, they built their dwellings not out of timber or stone but out of the materials they had at hand: ree...

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What's the difference between a gorilla and your mother ?

A gorilla is ground-dwelling, predominantly herbivorous ape that inhabits the forests of central Africa, & your mother is a nice lady.



... Also I did not have sex with a gorilla.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a bottom-dwelling scum sucker.

The other is a fish.

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