This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".

So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about...

My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.”

He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbors dog.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it.”

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.

He says to the first man, "Welcome to Heaven! Back on Earth, what denomination were you?"

The first man say, "I was a devout Presbyterian".

St. Peter says, "Excellent! Then go to door 10, but when you pass door number 2, be very quiet."

He then asks the second man, "When you wer...

I always knock on the fridge door before I open it.

Just in case there’s a salad dressing.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen

The door is always open

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

Just had two Police at my front door.

They asked me the questions - ‘Are you familiar with the letters HB'?
I said - ‘No I’m not'
'How about LS'?
'No'
'What about JD'?
I said - ‘Hang on a minute - am I a suspect or something'?
They said - ‘No these are just initial enquiries'.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, laying in front of a door?

Matt.

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.

​

“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor ...

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed. "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong." Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad. Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married." Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.

Years later, Dad is once ag...

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

How does a Muslim close a door

Islams it

What did the chromosome say to his sister when she slammed the door on his toe

Ow my-toe-sis!

Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years!"

A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

What do Horses Call People That Live Next Door to Them?

Their NEIGHbors!!!

What room has no doors?

A mushroom

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door.

The woman answers, and the salesman says "Lady, I have the best damn vaccuum cleaner in the whole world."

Before she could decline, he invited himself in. "Lady," he said, "This vaccuum cleaner can suck up anything. In fact, if you leave it running, it'll probably suck the carpet up!"

...

A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.”

The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife.

The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.”

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your w...

Today a clown opened a door for me

I said "that's a nice jester"

My wife opened my car door for me

It would’ve been a nice gesture if we hadn’t been going 70 miles per hour.

I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

Two church members were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two chur...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

A police officer knocks on a doors

(Door opens)
Police officer: Hi there, there’s been a major incident and I’m asking around looking for leads...
Man: Leeds?! Nah mate you’re miles off, follow the M1 all the way up!

The lady next door came by and said,"Tom."

So I said,"yes"
She said,"I want you to take off my dress"
I said,"ok"
"Then I want you to take off my bra,"she continued.
"Yeah!"
"Then I want you to take off my panties and high heels"
"O.k."
"AND GIVE THEM BACK TO ME ME YOU PERVERTED,USELESS,THIEF!!!"

What do you call a $1000 door?

A grand entrance

What does an immigrant like in their water, but not at their door?

ICE

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had 4, they’d be called chicken sedans

Opens the door and a snail is sitting there

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Let's see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were...

My first job was as a door-to-door salesman.

I sold "no soliciting" signs.

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

Mrs O’ Sullivan hears the doorbell and opens the front door of her house

Standing in the rain, is her husbands best friend, Paddy.

"Hello Paddy, but where is Seamus? I thought he went with you to the brewery"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Aileen, there was a terrible accident at the brewery, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"

Mrs O’ Su...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman...

I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, "This door is alarmed"...

And I wondered, what startled it?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A door-to-door salesman knocks on a door of a house

Little Johnny opens up, holding a half empty bottle of whisky and a lit cigar.

The salesman says, "hey kid, are your mom and dad home?"

Johnny takes a swig of whisky and a puff of the cigar, and answers, "What the fuck do you think"?

I Thought Opening A Door For A Lady Was The Polite Thing To Do

But She Just Screamed And Flew Out Of The Airplane

Three little kids walk up to Miss Katherine’s front door

“What do ya need?” Asked Katherine. “ We wanted to see if Little Timmy wanted to play baseball” said the boys. “How rude of you!” Katherine replied “You know that Timmy doesn’t have any arms or legs.” The kids replied “Yah we know, we need a first base.”

When is a door not a door?

When it is a jar.

My grandma use to say this all the time when I was little and I thought it was so silly but now it reminds me of her and all her crazy jokes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I realised today that as a straight male in my mid twenties, having been single for multiple years and surrounded myself with other men, I'd never taken the opportunity to take part in the tossing and rolling they did together behind closed doors. My older neighbor told me about it in 2nd grade and

I was fascinated by how far it broke from the concepts of "normalcy" I had been brought up with. He said they'd go for hours exploring with eachother, never leaving the room. Sometimes in middle school I'd walk by a class in the hall and hear a group of them grunting and huffing, occasionally lettin...

Couple next door.

One evening a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said," Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? . He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"."
I would love to". replied the husband,"but I don't know her well enough".

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

So I live next door to a man with Alzheimer's...

Every morning at exactly 8am he knocks on my door and asks if I know where his wife is. Every morning I get to tell him that his wife has been dead for years.

Every morning this happens like clockwork.

I thought about moving. I thought about not answering my door. I thought about cal...

The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet."

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

If it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the do...

My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.

I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.

Someone just knocked on my door, asking for donations for a new community swimming pool

So I gave him a glass of water.

My ex-girlfriend started screaming and banging on my door at 3 in the morning.

After an hour of that noise I finally got up and let her out.

My neighbour with Alzheimer's bangs on my door every morning at 8:00am...

And everyday he frantically asks me if I've seen his wife.

At first it breaks my heart to tell him she's been dead for years, but I always feel better about it when he smiles

A policeman knocks at the door

A man opens it, and the policeman tells him with a serious expression:.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir, but it looks like your wife was ran over by a truck.".

"Yes I know, but she has an excellent personality!"

Janet Jackson wanted to sample a Future song so she asked his production company if she could use Beast Mode. The production company sent a representative to her door with a CD. She asked if it was Beast Mode

The representative said “Sorry Ms. Jackson, this is Fo Real”

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'It is three o'clock in the morning.'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy as...

My Neighbours knocked on my door at 3am!

I mean can u believe it? I almost dropped my power drill!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's j...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.

It was a stage he was going through.

I was studying hard for a midterm when I heard a knock on my door.

+Knock knock.

-Who is there?

+Your nation!

-What are you talking about?

+Procrastination.

Needless to say I have been on reddit since.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel...

The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?”

The kid says, “I wanna get laid!”

The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.”

“But I wanna get laid.”

The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dog disgraced himself by escaping and bringing home next doors rabbit.

It was very dead and covered in dirt but I couldn't see any wound so I thought I might just be able to get away without confessing. So I quickly washed and blow dried the deceased bunny, snuck round the fence and popped bun back in its hutch, all snuggled up looking in its straw so it looked just l...

I mean really, who does that? Who just walks up, pounds on your door and tells you, “You need to be saved or you’re going to burn!”

The nerve of that fireman...

An Irishman is going door to door in a suburban neighbourhood looking for work

He knocks on a ladies door and she asks him if he will paint her porch. Two hours later he knocks on her door and tells her that he's finished the job. She says "it doesn't look like you painted it" he replies " oh I painted the whole thing but I got to tell you lady it's not a porch it's a BMW"

A tap is knocking on my front door wtf

Let that sink in for a minute

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Knock at the door

It's the middle of the night and a man awakes to a knock at the front door. He looks over to his nightstand and sees it's 2:00 in the morning. Angry and frustrated that someone is knocking this early in the morning, he gets up, throws something on, and goes to the door. Upon opening the door he does...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This "PC" crap is getting ridiculous... A door greeter at my local Walmart got fired for wishing two little girls a Merry Christmas!

I mean, it was August and he wasn't wearing pants, but still...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some guy knocked on my door wanting to tell me the great news about our Lord.

I said "fuck off, i dont beleave in of that shit."


As I tried to close the door in his face, he grabbed my arm and twisted it up my back slamming my face into the wall, then with a single rabbit punch broke 3 of my ribs, he then kung fu kicked my leg shattering the bone in three places.<...

A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.

An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?"

He replies...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There’s a knock on the door of the Hells Angels clubhouse

Big hairy biker goes to answer and there’s a little grey haired old lady standing there.

Old lady: I’d like to join the Hells Angels

Biker (a bit flabbergasted): Jeez, I dunno, what about a hog?

Old lady: Oh, that’s no problem, I just bought a brand new Harley.

Biker: Wel...

A young man walks into a record store and asks the clerk, “Do you have anything by the Doors?”

“Sure,” replies the clerk, “a mop bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

My wife said I had to choose between her and my obsession with pointing out doors...

I responded, “Well, there’s the door.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The couple next door have just made a sex tape.

They just don't know it yet.

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.

I sprinkled some more over the bed.

I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.

I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly...

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

Someone was banging on my door yesterday and yelling "let me in, let me in". I went and had a look through the peep hole, and standing outside was a man dressed as a basin.

Just let that sink in.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I woke up this morning to my neighbors banging on my front door.

I was like "Why can't you two fuck in your house like normal people???"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a massive high-rise building.

He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”

“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You’re out of your mind.”

“All right then,” the salesman cont...

A wife goes to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband is missing.

The policeman asks for a description. She says, “He’s thirty-five years old, six foot four, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

&#x200B;

The next-door neighbor protests, “Your husband is five foot four, ...

A woman is talking to her next door neighbour and she says I'm worried about my 16 year old son...

I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, nipple clamps and a whip. What should I do.
And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't spank him.

A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.

He says, “well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole.” And so he uses that whole to climb out.

You say, “That’s stupid. It’s two *halves* that make a whole, not two ‘haves.’ And an...

A man angrily knocks on the door of a house.

The homeowner answers and the man begins shouting, “Your dog jumped the fence, chased me on a bicycle, and bit my leg!”

&#x200B;

The homeowner looks at the man and said, “That’s impossible. My dog has no idea how to ride a bike.”

As the fire fighters were rushing into Notre Dame, an angry man stopped them at the door.

"Excusemoi monseuir! Entry is €12"

I hate it when people leave the door open...

It leaves me pretty unhinged

I was very surprised when the police knocked on my door and wanted to interview me

Especially as I never applied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife walked in on me while I was masturbating. Immediately I shouted, "Shut the door!"

She said, "Then get inside!"

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.

Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet.

After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the fat...

Sinks can't open doors

Let that sink in

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

I'm so sick of people knocking on my door and asking me if I've found Jesus

It wasn't my turn to watch him, and quite frankly, if you didn't want him going anywhere you should have used bigger nails.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.

"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted.

I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

How does a ghost open locked doors?

With a Spoooooky

Your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door. Who do you let in?

The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in

I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith...

As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day in Ireland two leprechauns knock on the door of a convent.

The mother superior opens the door to see the two little green men.

"How may I help you?" she asks.

"Mother superior," the younger leprechaun says. "Are there any leprechaun nuns in your convent?"

The mother superior thinks for a while and answers, "No, we have no leprechaun nun...

If I ran a night club I'd hire a rabbit to guard the front door.

I heard they're good bouncers.

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

What do you call a door that's not doing anything?

Doormant

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