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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's j...

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.

I once held a door for a sperm whale. He said thank you.

I said, you're whale cum.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes...

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Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.

"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted.

I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.

Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet.

After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the fat...

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water.

A traveling salesman knocked on the door of a farmhouse..

And since it was getting late, he asked the farmer if he could sleep in the barn that night. The farmer said, "That would be fine, but you have to promise to leave my son alone." And the salesman said, Oh no! I'm in the wrong joke!"

A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

A man answers the door and sees two police officers standing there.

**Officer:** I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident


**Husband:** But she has a great personality.

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me,

I thought it was a nice jester.

[DARK HUMOR] What's the difference between a door and a 9 year old?

The way you go in.

An Italian tells a magical door, "Open!"

"Says who?" Asks the door. The man replies, "Open, says-a me!"

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

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It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

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Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone...

What sort of sick fuck does that to someone's advent calendar?!

What should you do when a supplement knocks on your door?

You invitamin.

Someone at the door -

*knock*.
*knock*.
*knock knock*.
*knock knock knock*.
*knock knock knock knock knock*.
*knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock*.
*knock knock knock knock knock*.
*knock knock knock*.

"who's there?" ...

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An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."

It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."

So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.

"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessl...

Hitler' bodyguard was guarding his bedroom door.

A guy walks up to him and asks, "How do you like being Hitler's bodyguard?". The bodyguard replies, "It's okay, but I am starting to have second thoughts. The guy says, "Why is that?". The bodyguard responds, "Well all these time travelers from the future keep coming back to try to kill him".

A sink cant open a door

Let that sink in

"Diana!" I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door...

She said, "My name's Anna."

I said, "Yeah, I know."

As we stood outside her front door, she kissed me and whispered, "Do you want to stay here tonight?"

"No," I replied, and went home.

Why would I want to stand outside her front door all night?

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”

“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”.

What's the most expensive doors?

Bill Gates

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman.

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you do...

What do you call a magic door?

Dumbledore

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I heard a knock at my door yesterday morning

I opened the door and got punched in the face by a giant cockroach

I went and told my doctor and he said

“ah yes I’ve heard there’s a nasty bug going round”

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There was a knock on my door so I answered it.

I was expecting a package but there was just a flaming bag of dog shit! This happens to often and I’m tired of these shit posts!

what did Edgar Allan Poe say when he heard something rapping on his chamber door

That’s so Raven

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"

My last relationship ended because I opened the door for her

to get a better job somewhere else

A man rings at the door of a flat. A lady opens the door.

He: "Hello, I'm a piano tuner."

She: "But I didn't ask for a tuner."

He: "I know, but your neigbours did."

A man comes home to find his door lock is not working properly

He promptly unscrews the hinges, picks up the door and takes it to the market to repair the lock.

The locksmith asks *"If the door's here...what if someone walks into your house?"*

Confused, he replies *"How would anyone get in when I have the door?"*

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A man knocks on the door.

A small boy answers the door wearing a nothing but a fedora and cowboy boots, carrying a bottle of Jack Daniels and smoking a cigar.

The man says " are your parents home, little boy?"

Little boy says" does it fucking look like they're home?"

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While sipping his whiskey he notices a small, gilded box at the end of the bar and inquires about it to the bartender. "You're not quite drunk enough, my friend."

The man thinks it odd but continues to drink. Two more whiskeys later he asks again. "...

So there's this monarch who has an unexplainable fetish for unlocking doors

But what else can I say, he's King Key.

A traveling salesman was driving on a lonely country road on his way home one night when a huge storm came up. He saw farmhouse up the road and headed for it. He knocked on the door and the farmer answered. The salesman asked if he could take shelter from the storm at his house.

The farmer welcomed him in and put him up for the night. In the morning, the kind farmer served him bacon and eggs and the salesman was extremely thankful for his hospitality On his way out, the farmer walked him to his car and the salesman saw a pig with 3 legs go past. The salesman asked why does...

My next door neighbor was found murdered.

He was discovered face down in his bathtub that had been filled with milk. A spoon had been stuck in his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

Being in the door business is hard work...

I'm always getting slammed!

A guy is relaxing at his home in Copenhagen when he hears a knock on the door. He opens up and it's Hamlet.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

"Sorry to bother you," says Hamlet, "but I need a place to crash for a few days, do you mind if I stay here?"

Guy scratches his head and says "Well, I guess you can, this is pretty out of the blue though."

"I know," says Hamlet, " Nobody exp...

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I just told my next door neighbour we are moving out next week and she said “Great, that means you can stop stealing my undies off my clothes line”!

I nearly shit her pants when she said it.

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

A Policeman just knocked on my door

and told me my dogs were out chasing people on bikes. Weird, my dogs don't even own bikes.

If you went to a strip club at lunchtime and it wasn't open, would the sign on the door say...

"SORRY, WE'RE CLOTHED"

I'm sick of people knocking on my door, and asking if I've found Jesus.

I never said I would watch him, and if you're that concerned maybe use bigger nails next time.

I'm sick to death of people knocking at my door for donations.

Just had one woman from the sperm bank.

Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out

He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"

His boss replies "Is it ticking?"

"No, it's turkey and ham."

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An african zoologist moves to Rural Alabama. One day, a farmer knocks on the door, behind him is his wife, holding a black baby...

Immediatly, the farmer grabs the zoologist by his collar and yells "Now you see here! See that kid over there! I've got Nine kids and they aaall white. And alla' sudden, this one comes out black! And you the only black man in a 300 mile radius, mind explaining that one to me?"

The zoologist r...

There are only 2 words in life that will open a lot of doors for you...

Push & pull

I got the weirdest reaction from a girl whenI held the door open for her

She kept screaming things like “who the hell are you!” and “this is the girl’s bathroom!”

—-

My Door Bell is not working

I deserve NoBell prize

A man takes his door to the carpenters shop

Man: Hey can you fix my front door for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but what about your house, what if a burglar gets in?

Man: Hah! Impossible! How can he get in if I’ve got the door right here.

You're stuck in a room with no doors, no windows, and only three matches. How do you escape?

Strike one, strike two, strike three, and you're out.

A Georgia State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 2 miles north of Macon.

A Georgia State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 2 miles north of Macon.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Atlanta to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn't want to be late. The trooper t...

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The black guy from next door keeps beating the fuck out of his wife with cheap Swedish furniture.

I call him Ikea Turner.

The kids next door challenged me to a waterfight

Just scrolling through Reddit as I wait for the kettle to boil.

A salesman enters the porch and knocks on the farmhouse door...

... Little Timmy answers the door by sliding it slowly open, inspecting the salesman standing tall with his briefcase.

- hello there kiddo, may I speak to your father? The man asked little Timmy.

Timmy swiftly replies before cleaning his running nose with his sleeve. "sorry my dad got...

A Scientologist knocked on my door and asked if he could use the toilet.

I said

“No mate. Your clearly hooked on diuretics”

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.


"But you're naked!"...

Katie O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Katie, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Mr. Finnegan but, where is my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Katie. I’m afraid to say it- there was a terrible accident down at the brewery as we were wor...

In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter...

Let that sink in...

Our family recently began leaving our door unlocked for guests so the dog wouldn't bark as much.

It might seem strange, but don't knock it 'til you try it.

My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her.....

I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.

An Irish man knocks on an old lady’s door.

He asks her, is there any work I can do for you?

She says yeah can you paint the porch

He agrees and she gets him some paint.

Some time later he comes back and says, “I’m finished, but It’s not a porch it’s a BMW

If your woman is screaming outside the front door and dog is barking outside the back door who do you let in?

The dog. At least it will shut up when it gets in

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man knocks on the door and asks the woman " Do you have a vagina? "

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question
Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams ...

Why can a chicken coup only have 2 doors?

Because, if it had four doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.

Some Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door and asked me if I'd found Jesus.

I told them, "I didn't know he was lost."

What's the best place on Middle-Earth to get a new door?

MoreDoor

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

Saint Joseph said “Jesus, close the door behind you. Were you born in a barn?”

“Whatever! You’re not my real dad!”

Daddy Daddy! There's a man at the door selling ugly faces!

Tell him you already have one son.

An ant knocked on the door of a house.

The house owner opened the door.

"I want a place to stay," said the ant.

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free" said the owner.

Thankful, the ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the
o...

Victim: Then the robber walked through the door holding a gun!

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Victim: No, a normal door. He just pushed through it.

I opened my son's bedroom door and there was an orgy happening. I was livid.

That they noticed me standing there so soon...

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

While I was at work, someone hooked up a car battery to my front door.

As you can imagine, I was shocked.

A ghost knocks at a door...

...and an old woman answers.

The ghost says to her, "I'm here to scare you."

The old woman replies, "Oh no you haint"

On Halloween night, a kid knocks on this man’s door. As the man opens the door...

Kid: Bick ‘r beat!

Man: I’m sorry, what was that?

Kid: Bick ‘r beat!

Man: Oh, you mean ‘trick or treat’?

Kid: Yeah! Bick ‘r beat!

Man: Ok, so what are you supposed to be, young man?

Kid: I’m a birate!

Man: Could you say that again?

Kid: A birat...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys are knocking on heavens door. (Sorry for my english)

After a few minutes Petrus comes, wearing his cozy pyjamas, saying: "Guys its late, i need to get some rest, we are closed for today."
"Ehm Petrus", one man replied, "we are kinda dead so please open the door."
Petrus sighs. "Ok, each one of you tells me the story of his death, and if ...

My neighbour came knocking at my door at 3:40AM!

Lucky for him I had band practice all night long.

I hate those people who knock on your door saying that they're there to "save you" or "you'll burn"

STUPID FIREMEN!

I left my front door open and my Roomba got out, and now I can't find it. What are the consequences of this? It has no natural predators...

Nature abhors a vacuum

I’m just a Door looking for a job.

Know of any openings?

I need sleep and these trick-or-treaters keep knocking on my door.

“Let us out, we are starving, cold and there are rats in here.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is making passionate love to his wife when his neighbor busts open the front door.

Immediately embarrassed, he yells, “Jesus! Can’t you knock?”

His neighbor shouts back: “I’ll knock when you two get the fuck off my lawn!”

I was meeting a friend at a smoke shop and accidentally went into the dry cleaners next door...

Clothes, but no cigar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just had some trick or treaters come to my door dressed as Gloria Gaynor...

At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa

He turns on the tv and looks at his wife "quick" he says "get me a beer and some food before it starts!"


The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen in a bit of a daze and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband whom is ...

A woman went into small town hardware store and told the owner that she needed a new door handle.

He fetched one and asked: "You wanna screw for that?"

She looked around the store and said: "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there."

My father was the rector for a local church. He was responsible for making sure all the doors were locked, and for putting away the benches after services.

He really had to mind his keys and pews.

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Th...

I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

What happened to the door after the carpenter told him he was being replaced?

It got angry and became unhinged.

Whoever invented door knockers

Probably won a Nobel prize

Did you hear the one about the guy who invented revolving doors? [oc]

It was a revolutionary way to enter buildings!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man comes through the door and announces, “Pack your bags, Honey, because ... I just won the lottery!!!”

His wife comes down the stairs and says, “Oh my God!!! Oh my God!!! Well, what do you think? Should I pack for the beach or the mountains??!!”

He replies, “I don’t care, just get the fuck out!”

The barber next door just got arrested for selling drugs I was a customer for years it blew my mind

I had no idea he was a barber

I was woke up to a tap on the door this morning

Strange sense of humour my plumber has.

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.

Which is probably why his submarine sank.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"Open...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man hears a knock on his front door. When he opens it, a boy stands in front of him who says “Hello sir, my name is Tobias...

...and I’m here to fuck your daughter.”

“TO WHAT?”

“TO-BI-AS.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one s...

I'm going to open a gym with power walking and door knocking classes.

I'll call it Jehovah's Fitness.