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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.

​

“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor ...

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.”

The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife.

The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.”

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your w...

My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

Two church members were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two chur...

My wife opened my car door for me

It would’ve been a nice gesture if we hadn’t been going 70 miles per hour.

I always knock on the front door of my fridge ...

Just in case there is a salad dressing .

This was horrible lol

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen.

What do you call a $1000 door?

A grand entrance

I Thought Opening A Door For A Lady Was The Polite Thing To Do

But She Just Screamed And Flew Out Of The Airplane

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.

I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.

It was a stage he was going through.

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Knock at the door

It's the middle of the night and a man awakes to a knock at the front door. He looks over to his nightstand and sees it's 2:00 in the morning. Angry and frustrated that someone is knocking this early in the morning, he gets up, throws something on, and goes to the door. Upon opening the door he does...

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There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel...

The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?”

The kid says, “I wanna get laid!”

The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.”

“But I wanna get laid.”

The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, g...

An Irishman is going door to door in a suburban neighbourhood looking for work

He knocks on a ladies door and she asks him if he will paint her porch. Two hours later he knocks on her door and tells her that he's finished the job. She says "it doesn't look like you painted it" he replies " oh I painted the whole thing but I got to tell you lady it's not a porch it's a BMW"

A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.

An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?"

He replies...

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

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This "PC" crap is getting ridiculous... A door greeter at my local Walmart got fired for wishing two little girls a Merry Christmas!

I mean, it was August and he wasn't wearing pants, but still...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's j...

A young man walks into a record store and asks the clerk, “Do you have anything by the Doors?”

“Sure,” replies the clerk, “a mop bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

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A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a massive high-rise building.

He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”

“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You’re out of your mind.”

“All right then,” the salesman cont...

Someone was banging on my door yesterday and yelling "let me in, let me in". I went and had a look through the peep hole, and standing outside was a man dressed as a basin.

Just let that sink in.

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The couple next door have just made a sex tape.

They just don't know it yet.

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My dog disgraced himself by escaping and bringing home next doors rabbit.

It was very dead and covered in dirt but I couldn't see any wound so I thought I might just be able to get away without confessing. So I quickly washed and blow dried the deceased bunny, snuck round the fence and popped bun back in its hutch, all snuggled up looking in its straw so it looked just l...

A wife goes to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband is missing.

The policeman asks for a description. She says, “He’s thirty-five years old, six foot four, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

​

The next-door neighbor protests, “Your husband is five foot four, ...

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.

I sprinkled some more over the bed.

I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.

I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly...

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There’s a knock on the door of the Hells Angels clubhouse

Big hairy biker goes to answer and there’s a little grey haired old lady standing there.

Old lady: I’d like to join the Hells Angels

Biker (a bit flabbergasted): Jeez, I dunno, what about a hog?

Old lady: Oh, that’s no problem, I just bought a brand new Harley.

Biker: Wel...

When one door closes, and another one opens

Your house is haunted, and you need to run

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I woke up this morning to my neighbors banging on my front door.

I was like "Why can't you two fuck in your house like normal people???"

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

A woman is talking to her next door neighbour and she says I'm worried about my 16 year old son...

I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, nipple clamps and a whip. What should I do.
And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't spank him.

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.

A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.

He says, “well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole.” And so he uses that whole to climb out.

You say, “That’s stupid. It’s two *halves* that make a whole, not two ‘haves.’ And an...

A man angrily knocks on the door of a house.

The homeowner answers and the man begins shouting, “Your dog jumped the fence, chased me on a bicycle, and bit my leg!”

​

The homeowner looks at the man and said, “That’s impossible. My dog has no idea how to ride a bike.”

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My wife walked in on me while I was masturbating. Immediately I shouted, "Shut the door!"

She said, "Then get inside!"

I'm so sick of people knocking on my door and asking me if I've found Jesus

It wasn't my turn to watch him, and quite frankly, if you didn't want him going anywhere you should have used bigger nails.

Sinks can't open doors

Let that sink in

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

As the fire fighters were rushing into Notre Dame, an angry man stopped them at the door.

"Excusemoi monseuir! Entry is €12"

I was very surprised when the police knocked on my door and wanted to interview me

Especially as I never applied.

How does a ghost open locked doors?

With a Spoooooky

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

It was such a nice jester!

Have you guys heard of the new game where you just install doors and windows?

It’s called Shim City

Your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door. Who do you let in?

The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in

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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door...

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the fuck was that all about?’

​

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A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.

Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet.

After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the fat...

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One day in Ireland two leprechauns knock on the door of a convent.

The mother superior opens the door to see the two little green men.

"How may I help you?" she asks.

"Mother superior," the younger leprechaun says. "Are there any leprechaun nuns in your convent?"

The mother superior thinks for a while and answers, "No, we have no leprechaun nun...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

If I ran a night club I'd hire a rabbit to guard the front door.

I heard they're good bouncers.

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Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.

"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted.

I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."

I have this obsession to check whether the oven is off and the doors are locked.

I really hate my job at the crematorium.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes...

I once held a door for a sperm whale. He said thank you.

I said, you're whale cum.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you make a door cry?

Twist its knob

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

A man arrives at the front door of a brothel, a woman answers and notices the man has no arms or legs. The woman says "what are we supposed to do with you?"

The man replies "I rang the doorbell didn't I?!"

If doors could procreate, they'd have a lot of kids

considering that they're always getting knocked up.

A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

What is the mathematical formula for the sound of a front door closing?

It's the base decibel level raised to the power of n. The exponent n represents the number of hours ago you told your wife you'd be home.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes

You knock on the door.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some neighbours had just moved in to the house next-door so we invited them over to our house for a meal,

We were having a barbeque outside in the garden as it was a nice sunny day, and as the family had small kids we let the dog out to play.

I had been talking to the father, a really nice guy in his 40s, like me, when he told me that he actually worked as the professor of logic at the local uni...

A traveling salesman knocked on the door of a farmhouse..

And since it was getting late, he asked the farmer if he could sleep in the barn that night. The farmer said, "That would be fine, but you have to promise to leave my son alone." And the salesman said, Oh no! I'm in the wrong joke!"

"Diana!" I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door...

She said, "My name's Anna."

I said, "Yeah, I know."

J.K. Rowling recently tweeted out that Hogwarts actually has a full gym for wizards to exercise and lift weights

The entrance is called the Dumbbell Door

When I woke up this morning there was a tap on my door.

My plumber has a bad sense of humour.

Little Jimmy wakes up due to the loud sounds coming from his parents room. Little Jimmy gets there, opens the door and catches them doing it.

The mom was *riding* the father. Of course Little Jimmy being such an innocent child, he didn’t know what they were doing, so he asks his mom : -“Mom what you doing “ ... - “Your father is too fat , and he has such a big belly , so I told him to lay down, I got on top of him and started pushing and ...

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A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door...

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.

Before I spoke, he tipped a bucket of dog shit onto my carpet and said: “if this vacuum doesn’t remove every trace of it I will personally eat what’s left.”

I replied: “I hope you’re hungry because they cut off my electricity this morning!”

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"

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An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."

It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."

So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.

"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessl...

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A woman is in the bath...

A woman is in the bath and there is a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” She asks,

“It’s the blind man, can I come in?” the voice answers.

“Oh, sure, come in” she says nervously

In comes the gentleman. “Nice Tits love, now where do you want these blinds?”

I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked.

I couldn’t tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.

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Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone...

What sort of sick fuck does that to someone's advent calendar?!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

Dad joking my way out the door.

As I was leaving the office today heading to a job I said to our receptionist "I'll be black later" to which she instantly replied with "I'll be white here"... I got to the door before it clicked.

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What did the key say to the door handle ?

You’re such a knob.

Hitler' bodyguard was guarding his bedroom door.

A guy walks up to him and asks, "How do you like being Hitler's bodyguard?". The bodyguard replies, "It's okay, but I am starting to have second thoughts. The guy says, "Why is that?". The bodyguard responds, "Well all these time travelers from the future keep coming back to try to kill him".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A jehovah’s witness knocks on a door

An old jew opens it. The jehovah’s witness asks “excuse me, sir, but have you had a chance to read the bible?”

“Oh, my dear,” replies the jew, “we wrote it.”

How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?

She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.

I told my wife, “Did you know that our next door neighbor had half his intestines removed?”

Her: Really? Is he in a coma?

Me: No. A semi colon.

Ordered takeout from Door Dash and offered the Dasher some fries.

"Nah, I'm good. I already had some"

My older, attractive next door neighbor had a seizure on her front yard today.

The MILF shakes brought paramedics to the yard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was staying in a crappy motel. In the middle of the night a beautiful woman woke me up by pounding on the door and begging me to open it. I felt so bad...

... that I decided to let her out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman.

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you do...

Someone at the door -

*knock*.
*knock*.
*knock knock*.
*knock knock knock*.
*knock knock knock knock knock*.
*knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock*.
*knock knock knock knock knock*.
*knock knock knock*.

"who's there?" ...

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.


"But you're naked!"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man knocks on the door and asks the woman " Do you have a vagina? "

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question
Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams ...

An Italian tells a magical door, "Open!"

"Says who?" Asks the door. The man replies, "Open, says-a me!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just bought a Jehovah Witness themed advent calendar,

behind every door someone tells you to fuck off

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

I can't hate the door.

It's a-door-able

[DARK HUMOR] What's the difference between a door and a 9 year old?

The way you go in.

What should you do when a supplement knocks on your door?

You invitamin.

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

The kids next door challenged me to a waterfight

Just scrolling through Reddit as I wait for the kettle to boil.

A man rings at the door of a flat. A lady opens the door.

He: "Hello, I'm a piano tuner."

She: "But I didn't ask for a tuner."

He: "I know, but your neigbours did."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An african zoologist moves to Rural Alabama. One day, a farmer knocks on the door, behind him is his wife, holding a black baby...

Immediatly, the farmer grabs the zoologist by his collar and yells "Now you see here! See that kid over there! I've got Nine kids and they aaall white. And alla' sudden, this one comes out black! And you the only black man in a 300 mile radius, mind explaining that one to me?"

The zoologist r...

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”

“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just told my next door neighbour we are moving out next week and she said “Great, that means you can stop stealing my undies off my clothes line”!

I nearly shit her pants when she said it.

What does Yo-Yo-Ma say when he answers the door?

Cello.