A woman dies and finds herself at the gates to haven.

When she gets there, she is confused as she saw how many others are standing and sitting outside, cracking eggs, mixing batter, and baking something.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every...

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

God called on the Pope, Donald Trump, and Bill Gates, and told them,

"I called you together to let you know that I am tired of all the bickering, hate and violence in the world. You have 30 days to get things in order, then I am going to end the world. "

The Pope woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we were ...

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

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Three men stand before the heavens gate...

Petrus comes out with a hangover and says:,, Guys im really not in the mood for that shit please come back tomorrow.'' The three men protest and after a long disussion Petrus finally gives in and says: Ok, if you tell me the story how you died and i find it funny yu can come in.'' The first man star...

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

A man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter is there with his book and asks for his name.

The man says "Gordon Jones."

St. Peter finds his name and says "Okay. Let's review your life to see if you can enter Heaven."

St. Peter is reviewing Gordon's life and sees that he was a loving father, faithful husband and ...

A priest dies and goes to heaven and is met by Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter gives him a wooden staff and a cotton robe and he is allowed in.

As he goes in, he sees a taxi cab driver talking to peter, and Peter gives the taxi cab a gold staff and a silk robe, so the priest goes back to peter and asks.

"Hey, what gives? I did God's work, how come he...

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A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to He...

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Four nuns at the pearly gates

In heaven, four nuns are queueing outside the pearly gates.

St Pete says: "If your entire body is pure, you are welcome, no further questions asked."

First nun in line: "There was this naughty abbot in the monastery... one time he exposed himself and... well... overcome with desire I t...

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Two anti vaxxers die and arrive at thepearly gates..

St.Peter gives them two options " Get one question answered by God himself and go to hell or go to heaven blissfully" .

The first one chooses not to ask any questions but the second one decides to take a chance .

He goes inside the golden gates and asks God " what is the correlation be...

If Bill Gates becomes a Trillionaire...

He will be known as Trill Gates.

Bill and Melinda Gates were returning from their honeymoon, and Melinda was smiling,

“*Now* I know why you called it Microsoft!”

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Two men arrived at the pearly gates.

"Any words before you enter?" asked Jesus.



"Who are you?" asked the first man.



"What?" asked Jesus. "You mean--you don't know who I am? My name's Jesus. My face is everywhere, surely you know who I am!"



"No," said the first man. "I don't know who you are....

A kayak instructor and a priest sit at the gates of heaven.

An angel says to them “sorry, but there is only room for one more person in heaven. “
He then leaves to go consult with the other angels. The priest says “it’s obviously going to be me because I’m the most spiritual.”
The angel then returns and says that the kayak instructor is going to go in....

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A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

Inspired by “Vulture Culture”: two vultures are boarding a plane, one of them is dragging a dead chicken. The gate attendant stops them and says:

I’m sorry sir, but this airline does not allow carrion.

The school I went to was so rough that they had to check students for weapons at the gate.

If you didn’t have one, they gave you one.

An old survivor of the Auschwitz death camp dies and goes to heaven. Passing through the Pearly Gates he tells god a holocaust joke to which god replies, "I don't find that funny."

The old survivor says, "Well...I guess you had to be there."

Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.

He says to the first man, "Welcome to Heaven! Back on Earth, what denomination were you?"

The first man say, "I was a devout Presbyterian".

St. Peter says, "Excellent! Then go to door 10, but when you pass door number 2, be very quiet."

He then asks the second man, "When you wer...

Jesus at the pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask ab...

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4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven...

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.

St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"

The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finge...

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An elderly gentleman standing in front of the pearly gates and waiting to get into heaven.

God says to the man. “Gimme one good reason to let you in. Have you done any good deeds recently?”

“I saw this punk trying to steal a car,” the man said “so I decided to kick his ass to teach him a lesson.”

“When was that?” God asks.

“About ten minutes ago.” The man answers.

A priest and a lawyer make it to the pearly gates

They are both let inside and they are led to their homes. They get to the lawyers house first and it is a gigantic mansion. The priest and St. Peter walk on until the reach a measly little shack. The priest is told this is his home. He looks at St. Peter and says, “I have prayed and led people to go...

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Three couples die and approach St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

The first couple approach, but Peter says to the man, "You cannot go to Heaven. You were too greedy in life! You even married a woman named Penny!"

The second couple approaches, and Peter says, "Halt! You cannot pass into Heaven. You were a drunkard! Why, you even married a woman named Sherr...

A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."

He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down...

A priest and a permanently drunken bus driver from the same village come to the pearly gates and request entry to heaven.

St. Peter says to the priest " You wait two years," and to the bus driver, " You go straight in."

The priest protests, " How come? I have been preaching every Sunday for so many years - and he is nothing but a drunken bus driver."

St. Peter replies, "Listen, when you preached, they all...

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I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.

When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"

The ignorant bastard just ignored me.

A man dies and goes to hell. a devil meets him at the gate and tells him to look around and find a place where he will stay for the eternity.

So the guy looks around and notices people in pain, suffering, flames, screams, tears everywhere. He can't find a place for himself so he keeps walking, looking, searching. At one point he looks down and sees a bit of sand...

"Sand, in hell? Weird" he thinks, lifts his eyes up and sees more s...

So the dude dies and gets to the Heaven's Gate...

... where St. Peter tells him that he didn't do anything particularly good or bad in life, so he actually gets to choose whether he goes to Hell or Heaven. He's even kind enough to offer him a tour to both places, so he has a better idea.

So first, he starts with Heaven. Which is really nice...

Steve jobs and Bill Gates colonize Mars. What do they call the planet?

Planet of the Apps.

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that sh...

You and two of your friends die and go to Heaven. At the gates, ...

St. Peter greets all of you, "Welcome to Heaven, guys. You all lived pretty good lives, so we're going to let you all in. We only have one rule in Heaven - don't step on any ducks."

Friend 1 thinks, that must be a pretty easy rule to follow.

Then the three of you walk through the gates...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

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A man comes at heavens gates

A man comes at heavens gates and Moe asks him wether he has had a good life and if he had ever sinned. Well, the man replies, I have never cursed or used swear words. Ok, Moe says that’s a good beginning. And were you married? He asks. No, I was not, answers the man truthfully, but I also never had ...

Bill Gates is having a conversation with Paul Allen.

Bill: "How come Bing failed?"

Paul: "Well, let me Goo..."

Bill: "Never mind."

3 men enter the gates of heaven

They are met by Saint Peter who explains in heaven they are given a vehicle. The quality is based on how faithful a partner they've been.
The first man receives a brand new Ferrari. He jumps in and takes off.
The second man receives a recent model Toyota Camry, somewhat satisfied he jumps in a...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

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Two men are standing a heavens gate...

.. The queue is moving slow and they get talking to one another.

"So how did you wind up here?", the first man asks the second.

The second man sighs and says, "I froze to death."

"Did it hurt? “ asked the first.

" Not really. You get cold, then sleepy, then just drift o...

At the gates of heaven Gabriel is deciding fates.

A man walks up ranting of misfortune. When asked why he's so mad he explained

" I was sure my wife was cheating on me. So one day I left work early to catch her in the act. When I walked into our apartment she was surprised. Nude and sweaty so I knew someone was there. I look under the bed i...

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night?

So that's why you call it "Microsoft".

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter decides which vehicle to give them.

“Heaven is a big place,” he says. “You’ll need something to get around. What I give you is based on how well you treated your marriage on Earth.”

The first guy says, “Marriage was difficult for me. We both had affairs and eventually got divorced after 10 years. But I still tried to live a goo...

3 men died and they come to gates of heaven...

St. Peter asks the first one: "How many times did you cheat your wife?"
The man says: " Many times, about 15"
St. Peter gives him keys of an old VW Golf IV and lets him into heaven
He asks the second man the same thing: "How many times did you cheat your wife?"
The second man says: " Onl...

A Priest dies and is waiting in line at heaven's gate.

God to the guy: Who are you? Guy: I am a Thrissur to Kozhikode Bus driver. God: Oh! Take this golden robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest:Who are you? Priest: I am a Priest. I've spent 35 years preaching good to people. God:Oh!Take this cotton robe and enter the kingdom of ...

St Peter at the Pearly Gates

St Peter was sitting at the Pearly Gates when two blokes wearing hoodies arrived.
St Peter looked out and said: "Wait here. I shall be right back.''
St Peter went over to God's chambers and told him who was waiting to come in.
God said to Peter:" How many times do I have to tell you, you ca...

A man is at the gates to hell...

In front of him are 2 gigantic doors. One is made of twisted red oak, and the other of smooth polished iron.


Sitting between the doors are 2 huge red identical looking demons. One is seated on an enormous ornately carved ivory chair. The other on an identically carved but shining black e...

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Two men waiting at the gates

“2 men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the 1st guy “
How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the 2nd man. "You get the shakes, and...

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At the gates of the Vatican, there stood a jew demanding to meet with the pope.

The cardinals on gate duty knew him to be the head of an ancient Jewish family, that had tried to meet with The Pope for generations.

As they were shooing him away, The Pope walked by and heard the commotion.

"what is going on?" he asked.

"Your Grace, it is simply a jew who wish...

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a...

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates...

The men walk up to the gate and St. Peter greets them and says,

“You have made it to heaven, now all you have to do is pass the test to see what your fate will be.”

“What is the test?”
One man replied.

Peter says,
“You must walk through the room of ducks. If you are able...

One day a man arrives at the pearly gates and meets St Peter.

They’re going through the necessary paperwork and documentation so St Peter asks the man, “So, did you have any memorable experiences that stood out on earth?”

The man pauses for a second to think and responds, “Why Yes I did have a quite memorable experience! I was at this bar getting a drin...

A man dies and goes to gates of Saint Peter

Once up there he sees thousands upon thousands of clocks behind Saint Peter. He asks him

"What are all those clocks for?"

"Well, every person gets a clock as soon as they're born, and every time they tell lie the handles move forward one minute. You see here this is the clock of Abraha...

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god is waiting at the gates of heaven, and is waiting to give judgement to the next batch of people

the first man comes in. he is a priest. god asks "how did you die?" the man replies, "I was shot while I was having sex." god says that he can't have sex, being a priest and sworn to chastity, and god sends him to hell.



the second man appears. god asks "how did you die?" the man says ...

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a w...

St. Peter decides he wants a day off from the Pearly Gates, so he asks Jesus to fill in for him.

“Your job is simple,” says St. Peter. “Whenever someone approaches the gates, you ask them about their accomplishments in life. If their answer satisfies you, you let them in to Heaven. If not, they get sent to Hell.” Jesus thinks this sounds simple enough, and he agrees.

Before too long, a m...

Bill Gates dies and meets God at the Gates of Heaven (pun intended)

God says: “Hi Bill, now in your life, you’ve had an equal amount of good and bad things in your life, so I’m going to show you around Heaven and Hell and let you choose where you go.”
Bill says: “Ok” and follows God into Heaven.
Now Heaven is the stuff you’ve heard of, clouds, angels, animals ...

The pope dies and gets met by Jesus at the gates of heaven.

As they step inside, a ferarri pulls up and a man in red robes steps out with a beautiful blonde on his arm.

Shocked at such impropriety from a Cardinal, the pope asks Jesus what is going on.

"Oh," says Jesus, "he was a pious, celibate man his whole life, so dad gave him the opportuni...

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(Long) God was in the gate's heaven listening how people died, in order to let them in

(I'm really sorry for the bad grammar... I'm not native - feel free to correct the text, so i can edit it)

So the first guy arrives in gate's heaven:


God: So... We need to know how you've died, so we can let you in.

Guy: Ok. You won't believe in that... Me and my wife live...

Three guys die and go to The Gates.

Since they're three grown up men, St Peter asks them what they want their families to say at their wakes.

First guy : I want them to say that I was a great surgeon, one of the best. That I was a loving father, and that I will be missed.

Second guy : Well, I want them to every good memo...

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.

One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.”

St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.”

St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “...

Breaking News: Government shutdown ends as Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

A lawyer dies and goes to the end of a long line at the Pearly Gates.

To his surprise, St. Peter leaves his desk, walks over and greets him warmly. An angel takes the lawyer by the hand, guides him to the front of the line and settles him into a comfortable chair.



The lawyer says, "I appreciate all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

<...

My wife and I are finally planning a trip to San Francisco for my life long dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.

She said, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”

I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

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An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.

The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to ea...

What shirt size does Bill Gates wear?

Excel.

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A man is standing in line at the pearly gates...

When he strikes up a conversation with the man next to him. ''So how did you die,'' he asks him. The man responds ''Oh I froze to death. It wasn't too bad, pretty peaceful. What about you?''

The man says ''well I was a rich man with a huge house and a nice car and I began to think my wife was...

A pastor and and an airline pilot meet St Nick at the Gates to Heaven. The airline pilot is first to approach the saint

Peter: Name and profession please

Pilot: John Williams, Ryanair pilot.

Peter: *riffles through a massive book* John Williams...John Williams... umm... ah yes!

Peter: clicks his fingers and a beautiful silk robe and ornate golden staff appear out of thin air.

Peter: please...

three men walk up to the gates of heaven,

the gatekeeper asks each man to describe how he died.



the first man walks up to the gate keeper and says:

'i was concerned my wife was cheeting on me so one day i said i was going to work, walked outside our appartment then walked back in saying i had forgotten somthing. i look...

A man approaches the gates of heaven

A man approaches the gates of heaven and asks to be allowed to enter.
"Tell me one good thing you did in your life,"says St Peter.
"Well,"says the man,"I saw a group o...

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Saint Pete's gates

Three men are waiting at the gates of heaven for Saint Peter to let them in.

Peter shows up and says,"Heaven is almost full, so I will only let the person in with the worst death"

Man 1 then starts his story," I suspected my wife was cheating on me, so I left work early to catch her. W...

So Bill Gates walks into an Apple store and farts the hell out of life. Everyone looks at him and says dude wtf it stinks.

Bill Gates b like "well its not my problem ya'll dont have windows in here"

A Scotsman, a Frenchman and a Nigerian all die and meet St Peter at the pearly gates...

St. Peter: you each get to ask me one demand and if I can't make your demand come true, I will send you back to earth for a second chance. If I do make your demand, you're headed to the afterlife...

Scotsman: I want you to give me all the scotch whiskey in the world right now...

St. P...

Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because everyone's dying to get in!

When I reach home, my 1.5 year old son rushes out to the gate..

..to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrrrmmm brrrrmmm sound. His cute antics always me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease ...It's called Parking son's disease.

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth.

He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave coul...

Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called ...

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth

He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

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Did you hear about the time Bill Gates found a cockroach in his drugs?

There was bugs in his codeine.

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New England Patriots gates....

When they filmed the other teams practicing it was called "Spygate"

When Brady used deflated balls it was called "Deflategate"

Now that Bob Kraft is in trouble for visiting a full service massage parlor, would that be called, "Tailgate"?

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates...

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be judged before going through. The angel at the entrance tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first man says “I was with my wife for 5 years an...

Three men arrive at the pearly gates of heaven (NSFW, LONG, I don’t know how to do the tag things)

St John comes out and says to the men, “Heaven has become too full, as such we’re only taking in people who had tragic deaths.” He turns to the first man and says, “How did you die then?”
“Well I knew my wife was having an affair,” the fist man begins, “and I came home to find her lying naked on ...

Alex Jones dies and meets Jesus at the pearly gates.

As they are waiting to see if God will allow Alex into heaven, Jesus says:

"Alex, while we wait you can ask me any question and I will answer it".

So Alex asks him, "who planned 9/11?"

And Jesus responds "Osama Bin Laden"

Alex goes " wow, this goes higher up than I though...

3 guys at the gate of hevean

So 3 guys died and now are standing next to the enterence gate of hevean. St.Peter says “we are running out of space, so we only allow in people with the best deaths. You will have to tell me how you died.
So the first guy is like “well i was suspecting my wife of cheating for a long time, so one...

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Three men go to the Pearly gates

Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die. So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose. When I g...

I just saw someone stealing a garden gate!

I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.

An old man dies and stands before the pearly white gates

He's standing there, knocking on the pearly gates, but unfortunately for him St Peter's on his lunch break. However, it just so happens that after a little while Jesus passes by. Being the helpful sort, he goes up to the gates and asks if he can help.

"Yes," says the old man, "I've just died ...

A man dies and arrives at the gates of heaven.

St Peter welcomes him with "this is the gate to eternal happiness, to enter you must tell me a selfless action you did in your life on earth."

The man thinks for a while and replies "Well there was this one time... this kid knocked over some motor cycles and a group of angry drunken bikers c...

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. 

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. 

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. 

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the c...

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.I knew she was into so...

Bill Gates: "You owe me one!"

Jeff Bezos: "What do you want?"

BG: "I don't care how you pull it off but I want my title back. I need to be the world's richest man again."

JB: "I got an idea. Be right back."

At the Pearly Gates, there is a men's entrance and a women's entrance

and at the men's entrance there are two smaller doors for married men. Over one there is the inscription FOR MEN WHO WERE DOMINATED ALL THEIR LIVES BY THEIR WIVES and over the other it reads FOR MEN WHO WERE NOT DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES.

One morning at opening-up time St Peter comes and unl...

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A politician dies and winds up standing in front of the pearly gates.

St. Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a ...

Three men die close to Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets them.

St. Peter looks at the three of them, and tells them that if they want to get into heaven, they have to present him with something related to Christmas.

The first man goes up, and confidently produces some holly from his pocket. St. Peter looks at it, and lets him in.

The second guy ...

Mr. Bill Gates, why was 6 afraid of 7?

"Because 7 8 10"

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Hitler dies and walks up the staircase to the Pearly Gates. As he arrives, he is crying in agony.

"I see you are sorry about what you did," says St. Peter, "so I forgive you all your sins and you shall enter heaven now."

"Thank you," Hitler replies, "it really hurts if you hit your toe on one of those fucking stairs."

There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left

The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn. The first man said: "Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't hav...

Steve Jobs dies and goes to the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks him if he thinks he deserves to go to heaven or hell.

Steve says “definitely heaven - I was responsible for the creation of products that brought joy to millions around the world.”

St. Peter replies “yes that is true, but I’m afraid you have to go to hell.”

Dumfou...

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My girl friend calls me bill gates when we have sex

Because I'm micro-soft.

A software developer dies and comes to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks at the screen of his PC and says: "Sorry, I cannot let you in. There are bugs in the enrollment system and since you are a software developer, you must fix them first."

So the software developer takes a seat at St. Peter's desk and tries to fix the bugs for hours and hours, ...

A glutton, an adulterer, and a stoner are approaching the gates to heaven...

As the sinners stand at the gates, St. Peter addresses them each in turn.

To the glutton he says, "The excess food that you ate could have fed thousands of the poor and starving. You must endure 1,000 years of your sin, only then may you enter the kingdom of God." And so, the glutton found h...

A cemetery caretaker forgot to lock the gates before ending his night shift.

It was a grave mistake.

Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.

"Name ?", said Jesus.

"Joseph."

"Occupation?"

"Carpenter."

Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"

"Yes."

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"

"Yes!"...

Bill Gates is walking on his private beach of his villa...

...and finds an old bottle in the sand. He opens it and a genie appears. The genie euphorically says: "Thanks for the rescue, Master, you have one wish."
Gates does not think long and says: "Here is a map with all the crisis areas of the earth. There should be peace everywhere." The ghost takes t...

Guy dies and is at the pearly gates

St. Peter says: “before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive”

Guy says “One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess ...

A blonde, brunette, and red head are waiting in front of the pearly gates when God comes out to greet them

"Usually I wouldn't let any of you girls in, but I'm having a good day. I'll give you all a deal. If you can climb my 1000 stair staircase and listen to a joke at each step without laughing I'll let you in." They all agree.

The brunette loses at the 100th step. The red head loses at the 500th...

Ray Kroc, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates walk into a bar.

The owner turns his back for a second and lost his bar.

Three nuns die and arrive at the Pearly Gates.

They meet St. Peter who says "you must each answer one question about religion to enter heaven."

St. Peter calls the first nun and asks "who was the first man on Earth?"

"Adam" she replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.

St. Pe...

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One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.
"What have you done to enter Paradise?" Jesus asks.
"Me?" replies the old man, "not much, I am just a simple carpenter but my son makes me worthy."
"Your son?" asks Jesus
"Yes, my son. He was bo...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

I found out my friend has been stealing garden gates recently.

I don’t want to confront him though incase he takes offence.

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A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates........

St. Peter greets him. “Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which one to pick?” the politician replies. “We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide.” The politician agrees and is sent to the ...

TIL Bill Gates once released a swarm of mosquitoes at a TED talk about malaria, saying that it shouldn’t be an experience only for poor people...

I can't wait to go see his new talk about gun violence.

A boy learns some woodworking skills on Reddit. He wants to impress his dad with his new skills so he builds him a gate for his yard with beautiful fenceposts. The dad says son, this is great but...

There used to be a gate in this exact spot, so this is just a repost.

3 men were standing at the Pearly gates when St. Peter asked them what happened...

The 1st man says:

"I walked into my apartment and found my wife naked with her clothes all over the floor along with another man's clothes. Enraged, I ran around the apartment trying to look for him but I couldn't find any trace of him. In my anger, I was able to lift our refrigerator and thr...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and end up at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter welcomes them all in.

He says, as per standard Heaven protocol, for your first 100 years you get one of anything you like, unlimited, with no consequences.

The Englishman says "Well I really like sex, can I have 200 horny 18 year old stunners to play around with?". St.Peter...

Bill Gates dies and goes to see St Peter

St Peter reviews his life and says to him: "Welcome Mr Gates; you've lived an extraordinary life so we would actually like to offer you the choice between Heaven and Hell"

Bill replies: "What are my options?"

St Peter takes him to two computers. The first is Hell. It's a deserted sandy...

3 men arrived at the gates of heaven.

God said he would only allow them in if they had a funny story of how they died.

The first man was a window cleaner, working on the 14th floor of an apartment building. Suddenly, his scaffolding broke, and he fell. Luckily he was able to grab onto the windowsill of a 13th floor apartment. Bef...

If you could have Bill Gates' wealth or cure all the suffering in Africa...

What colour Ferrari would you get?

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Three men show up at the Pearly Gates...

Right before closing one day three men show up to the Pearly Gates for judgement. The case manager angel on duty was quite put out with the prospect of staying late so rather than looking through the life history of each of the men he decided to admit them based on how cool their death story was. <...

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