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Hey neighbour, your wife keeps winking at me!

I know, she has a tic. Just ignore her.

Too late, I already fucked her!

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.

The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.

I saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning.

He seemed to be waiting for the bus, so I said, 'Jump in, I'll give you ride.'

He said 'Go to hell', so I thought he was very ungrateful.

But then I just zipped up my backpack and kept walking.

A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts, “Where is your wife!?”

“Why?” the neighbour asks. “What did Anna do?”

“She tricked my wife into investing in a fake farm for giant snakes,” the man yelled.

“Anna conned her?”

“No. Burmese python.”

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

My neighbour holds the Guinness world record for most concussions.

He lives very close, just a stone's throw away

Wife: The neighbour kisses his wife every morning before he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?

Husband: I guess I don’t know her that well

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My neighbours are complaining about my loud groans during sex in the mornings.If . . .

they only knew its me putting my socks on!

My neighbour.

Threw a pot of white and black paint over my lawn.

I tried to sue, but my local law office don’t deal with grey areas.

A man asks his neighbour if it’s ok to pet his dog

“Yea he’s a sweetheart, never bit a soul in his life, of course you can!” Says the neighbour

The man pats the dog and the dog bites his hand

“I thought you said your dog is a sweetheart and doesn’t bite!” Exclaims the man

The neighbour looks at him shrugging and says
“Yes...

My next door neighbour just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it

But I'm worried he might take a fence

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What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and my neighbour Steve?

Steve's not a cunt.

I'm hiding in my Finnish Neighbours shed, waiting to jump out and surprise him.

It's like a sauna in here.

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My wife is really mad at our next door neighbour, because she is always sunbathing nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

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A woman goes to visit her neighbour...

... and says she caught her daughter and the neighbours son wrestling.

"Well," the mother of the son says "It's only natural for them to explore sexuality at that age."

"Sexuality?!" The first woman cries, "She powerbombed him through a flaming table!"

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

Me next door neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music.

He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'

I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'

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My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

‌‌My L‌‌esbian neighbours Jane a‌‌nd Caroline a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌ecently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌ere desperate to have a baby.

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

A man receives a message from a neighbour.

"Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact, much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies." The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to the hospital

The next day ...

Someone stole my newspaper this morning, so I quickly sneaked next door and took my neighbours.

Now that I've calmed down, I think kidnap may have been excessive.

A man with a family and a 5 year old daughter frequently visited his hot neighbour at her house in morning.

But the neighbour had a son who was about 6 years old. One day, as a way to distract and have some private time with his mother, he said

A: Go to the patio and look at my house to see if anyone's there. If you find anyone inform me.

The son went as usual to check the neogbour's hous...

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

my neighbour started playing tennis for money

it was quite the racket

A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbl...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

My new neighbours listen to Metallica really loud all hours of the night!

I mean, they may not want to, but they do.

My neighbour has put up a fine mesh barrier between our properties.

I think it's a fence sieve.

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John's neighbour asked him why there were lot of screams coming from there house last night.

John said that his wife told him that she wanted to him to make her scream like never before while having sex.

So his neighbour now curious asked back how he got her to scream so much.

John shrugs and say It is quite simple I just applied some chilli pepper on the condom before the sex...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me ₹ 50000 and he won’t pay up.

'What should I do?’

‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer.

‘Nope,’ replied the man.

‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the ₹1,00000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer.

‘But it’s only ₹50000,’ replied the man.

‘Precisely. That’s what ...

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My neighbour came over and complained some items of clothes were missing from her washing line....

....I was so nervous she'd find out it was me, I almost shit her pants.

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.

Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after s...

Asked my neighbour if he would help me find out what DIY means.

He said "Do it yourself".

Unhelpful prick.

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I headbutted my neighbour’s electric panel.

I now face charges.

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My neighbour was sunbathing naked in her garden and as I was wanking while watching her from the window I caught my wife staring at me in the doorway...

Do you think she might be a pervert?

My neighbour

My neighbour started a new business making boats in his attic.
The sails are through the roof.

It’s the World Cup Final...

And a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’

‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their righ...

Tonight my neighbour called me at 2:30 am.

2:30 am?! Crazy dude...
Lucky for him I was drumming.

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”


Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s insi...

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Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"

Man: Bullshit, why should I pay twice.

I couldn’t believe it when I looked out my window and saw my seeing-impaired neighbour cutting his lawn.

It was blind-mowing!

Jenna was breastfeeding her son while her neighbour Sally sat nearby

Jenna asked her friend, "Does my son resemble me or his father?"

Replied Sally, "He looks like you, but he sucks exactly like his father....."

My neighbours listen to great music

Whether they like it or not

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"

Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of ...

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The neighbour’s dog crapped in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don’t see what that solved. We’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

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My Wife came out of the shower.

She walked into the bedroom and said to me.

"Babe please shut the blinds, I don't want the

neighbours to see me naked."

"Don't worry" I said, "if the neighbours see you

naked, they'll shut their own fucking blinds!"

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My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.

Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.

That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids ar...

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My neighbours made a sex tape

But, they don't just know it yet

Neighbour's 8 year old son: Corona has looted half my inheritance

Me: How?

Him: My mom is pregnant

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Professor of Logic

So I live in a friendly neighborhood and everyone really likes to talk to their neighbours.

So This new guy moved into my neighborhood and I as a friendly neighbour introduced myself.


"Hi I'm Norm McDonald" so he says something something I don't remember his name. He asks what do y...

A robber enters a house and holds the wife at gunpoint and threatens the husband to hand over all the money and jewellery..

The husband sobs " Please take whatever you want, but leave her alone" .

Robber : " Wow you must really love your wife ".

Husband " Actually she is my neighbour's wife. Mine will come back from shopping any minute" .

So, This is a very famous joke from my country ,I hope to see the response

A conference for who the best actor in the world was held, Actors from all around the world came to take part in the competition.There were many qualifier rounds but then only 5 actors remained in the finals.

The final contest was decided to be a manual cow milking competition. The rules were...

I asked my Indian neighbour if i could have some bread

He had naan

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So my neighbour with the big titties is outside gardening topless again today.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

The Neighbour's Rabbit

So I woke up this morning to see my dog laying down in the back, covered in dirt, with a rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit's not bloody eh, just dirty. My neighbor's child has two rabbits, so immediately I knew it was one of his. So I took the rabbit from my dog, ran inside, and washed all the dirt o...

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.

The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car ...

I have the worst neighbour ever! He keeps on banging on the wall at 3 a.m.

Completely ruins my drumming practice.

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While having sex with my wife, the next door neighbour knocked on our front door.

You couldn't believe my surprise when I opened it.

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A man has a chat with his neighbour across the road about the neighbour needing help with their back garden...

When the two finish their conversation, the man agrees to help the neighbour with his garden, and when they finish the job, the neighbour will pay the man.

The next day comes and the man comes back from the neighbours house all puffed out and tired, he sits down on the couch and calls his fr...

A blonde was found spanking her child for getting a B+ while the neighbour's child got an A+....

.... in the blood test.

My new neighbours are the worst

They scream at eachother all day

Worst part is they’re yelling in Chinese.

I don’t even know whose side I’m on!

One of my next-door neighbours is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s.

Every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door and he asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means that every single morning at 9 a.m. I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I’ve thought about moving. I’ve thought ...

I once knew a guy whos life's motto was love thy neighbour.

He lives next to a brothel

World record neighbour

My neighbour has proudly informed me that he has made the world record books.. for having the most concussions ever recorded... 147.

I was happy for him, after all he is a close neighbour, only living a stones throw away...

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

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Two neighbours go to the doctors checkup for the obligatory militairy service

They both hoped to be rejected, but are perfectly fine man. As he was about to enter the room, one neighbour said to the other: wait me out, I'm gonna be rejected.

So 10 minutes later the guy came out and guess what. Rejected.

"Rejected? For what?"

"I just shoved 100 bucks up ...

My next door neighbour hasn't done an honest day's work in her entire life.

She's a politician.

"This chainsaw has three settings," my neighbour said, revving it. "And this one is the quietest of them all."



"You should try it on max," I replied.



He didn't like that. Max is his favourite child.

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My neighbour knocked on my front door.

"Would you mind looking after the kids today?" she asked.

"Maybe," I replied. "How come?"

"Because one of yours is taking a shit on our front lawn!" she yelled.

I helped my neighbours install clappers

There must be something wrong with them because they were flickering on and off all night

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What's fake, chats shit, riles up his neighbours and has the strongest army ever seen?

Gandhi from civilisation 3.

Woman calls the cops to complain about a neighbour harassing her

The cop arrives at her apartment with a notebook in hand to take notes.
Cop: Yes Mam, tell me who’s this person and what are they doing ?

Woman: he lives in the flat one floor above and is constantly looking at me, when I’m in my bathroom. Such a creep.

Cop: ( a bit confused) can...

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[NSFW]: A couple is having sex when the husband notices their neighbour watching them from the cupboard.

A couple is having sex when the husband notices their neighbour watching them from the cupboard. Upon noticing him, the husband immediately asks,

Voy-eur you inside my cupboard?

A salesperson calls a home and the phone is answered by a softly spoken little girl, so quiet she’s hard to hear.

“Hello little girl, can I speak with your mommy?”
“No. She’s busy”.

“Sorry? Did you say she’s busy? Well could I speak with your daddy?”
“No. He’s busy too”.

“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes, my aunty and uncle”.
“Could I speak with one of them?”
“No. They’re...

When i'm bored in Lockdown i just send flowers with An "i miss you" card to my neighbour John.

Then i go to the balcony with a drink and listen to his wife.

My neighbour recently bought a BMW, a Volkswagen, 2 Fords, a Toyota and a Chrysler...

I think he's got the car-owners virus.

Every morning, a very religious woman stands on her front porch and says, "Lord, I thank thee for this day."

The woman has an atheist neighbour who is driven up a wall by this, so one day he comes up with a plan to teach her a lesson.

That night, when the woman is fast asleep, the atheist buys a huge basket of food and leaves it on the woman's front porch.

The next morning, when the woman ste...

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A tourist asked me for some local attractions.

So I told him that my next door neighbours are rather sexy.

My two British neighbours had their donkey escape from the barn, and are desperately looking for it.

They are assless chaps.

Last night around 3 a.m. the neighbour rang my doorbell...

...he shocked me so much with it that I almost dropped the drill.

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

I used to believe my neighbour when he said he slept standing upright.

But he's been lying.

My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.


He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people bu...

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A farmer passing by his neighbours barn saw a strange sight inside

The farmer peered inside the barn door and there was his neighbour dancing around and taking off his clothes in front of an old John Deere. He knocks on the barn door, walks in and asks him why he’s stripping and dancing in his barn. The neighbour says that him and his wife have been having trouble ...

My neighbour has a fetish for holidays

I thought he was just jealous when he asked "Can I come in your suitcase?"

Neighbour.

Husband: Oh No! our neighbour has died.

Wife: Who, Ray?

Husband: I don't think cheering is appropriate Karen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbour accused me of stealing her panties...

I nearly shit her pants.

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

The son wanna date a neighbour

\- Dad, can I date Lisa next door?

\- No, she is your sister.

\- How about Anna in block 59?

\- No, she is your little sister.

\- Ok, this is weird. How about Karen the waitress? Can I date her or is she my sister too?

\- No, she is your brother.

The upset s...

"Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."

"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.

Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"

"I wasn't talking about his age!"

My neighbour asked me to stop playing Oasis songs all night long

I said maybe...

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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Shaun, I can't fucking sleep."

"Well it's your lucky day." I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

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Advice Columnist. Aka Agony Aunt.

Dear Agony Aunt, please help me.

My neighbours 20 year old daughter was sunbathing the other day. I took the chance to peek out the bathroom window and have a cheeky wank. As I finished I turned around and my wife was standing there, arms folded watching me. Is my wife a pervert?

My neighbours have been married 20 years

Unfortunately, I've heard them have the same argument a lot lately


Him: You're cheating! Don't deny it, I can see through your behaviour!


Her: Well you beat me all the time, and I've had enough!


Maybe they should play something other than Monopoly...

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

Sam wanted to ask his neighbour, a grammarian, over for his dad's birthday.

He sent him a text with the message: "You are invited to my dad's fiftieth birthday party."

The grammarian didn't turn up. The next day, Sam met him at the grocer's and asked him if he had got his message to come to the party.

The grammarian said, "Yes, I did, but I would feel weird ar...

A wife is asking her husband for help.

First she asks if he can help fix her car.
“I’m not a mechanic” he replies.

Next she asks if he can fix the faucet in the kitchen.
“I’m not a plumber” he says.

Lastly she asks if he can help fix the broken cupboard door.
“I’m not a carpenter” he says.


The foll...

My musician neighbour is scaring me

I heard him fingering a minor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to poop on my neighbour's property.

Then the shit hit the fence.

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

An patient is heard laughing to himself at night in an asylum

‘Why are you laughing?’ Asks his neighbour after being woken from his sleep

“I just told myself a joke” replies the patient, before falling back asleep.

A couple of hours later the patient begins laughing again, even louder than before.

‘Why are you laughing now?’ Asks the neigh...

My wife walked in to our bedroom in a huff earlier after coming out the shower

“Dave, can you remember to shut the curtains please, I’m getting changed and the neighbours can see in” she said angrily.

“Don’t worry babe”, I replied. “If the neighbours see you naked they’ll be sure to shut their own curtains”

So that’s why I’m sleeping in the car tonight.

Once, me and my family wanted to bake some marshmallows in the campfire.

We had the poles with marshmallows sticked to them prepared when we heard sirens. We all ran out to see what happened. The neighbours' house was on fire and I saw a lot of firefighters trying to get the fire under control. The neighbours looked at us with pure disgust. That was the moment I realized...

Baby teeth

\- Hey neighbour what is going on, why is your husband screaming like that?!!

\- Nothing to worry neighbour, his teeth are coming out!

\- Wait what? Isn't he like 60 years old?!

\- Yeah, that's true but last night, during his sleep, he swallowed his dentures ...

My neighbour blamed my gravel for making him fall over...

I told him it was his own dumb asphalt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbour came at me aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear dissapearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

One night, my dog brings me my neighbour’s rabbit, dead in its mouth.

It’s dirty, definitely dead and I’m a bit drunk so I panic. My neighbours hate me anyway. This could get me evicted.

So I take the rabbit, meticulously wash off the dirt and dry it. Then I sneak over the fence and put it back in it’s hutch, leaving no trace. Job well done.

My neighbour...

Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

My neighbour is an avid gardener.

He was up digging at three in the morning.

And he's so good that the next day the police came to see his work.

I called my boss to tell him I would not be in to work today because I was sick.

He said "you don't sound sick. How sick are you really?"

"Well, considering I'm in bed with my next door neighbour's golden retriever, I'd say that is sick enough..."

My neighbour is a clown for childrens parties. Evertime I turn my back to get ready for bed, he sneaks into my house in full costume and starts banging my wife. I can see them, in the mirror, going at it while I'm brushing my teeth.

They keep on telling me that I'll look back and laugh at it one day.

My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.

I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.

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