My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

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My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

‌‌My L‌‌esbian neighbours Jane a‌‌nd Caroline a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌ecently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌ere desperate to have a baby.

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"

Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of ...

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My neighbour came over and complained some items of clothes were missing from her washing line....

....I was so nervous she'd find out it was me, I almost shit her pants.

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My sexy neighbour was complaining about stuff being stolen from her clothes line, and that she was going to the call the police.

I nearly shit her pants

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Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"

Man: Bullshit, why should I pay twice.

My neighbour holds the Guinness world record for most concussions.

He lives very close, just a stone's throw away

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The neighbour’s dog crapped in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don’t see what that solved. We’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

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A man has a chat with his neighbour across the road about the neighbour needing help with their back garden...

When the two finish their conversation, the man agrees to help the neighbour with his garden, and when they finish the job, the neighbour will pay the man.

The next day comes and the man comes back from the neighbours house all puffed out and tired, he sits down on the couch and calls his fr...

One of my next-door neighbours is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s.

Every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door and he asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means that every single morning at 9 a.m. I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I’ve thought about moving. I’ve thought ...

My neighbour and I became really close friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

I have the worst neighbour ever! He keeps on banging on the wall at 3 a.m.

Completely ruins my drumming practice.

I asked my Indian neighbour if i could have some bread

He had naan

I once knew a guy whos life's motto was love thy neighbour.

He lives next to a brothel

My next door neighbour hasn't done an honest day's work in her entire life.

She's a politician.

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While having sex with my wife, the next door neighbour knocked on our front door.

You couldn't believe my surprise when I opened it.

My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.

Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.

That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids ar...

My new neighbours are the worst

They scream at eachother all day

Worst part is they’re yelling in Chinese.

I don’t even know whose side I’m on!

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My neighbours recently made a sex tape ....

Well obviously they don’t know that yet!

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What's fake, chats shit, riles up his neighbours and has the strongest army ever seen?

Gandhi from civilisation 3.

"This chainsaw has three settings," my neighbour said, revving it. "And this one is the quietest of them all."



"You should try it on max," I replied.



He didn't like that. Max is his favourite child.

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”


Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s insi...

A blonde was found spanking her child for getting a B+ while the neighbour's child got an A+....

.... in the blood test.

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Two neighbours go to the doctors checkup for the obligatory militairy service

They both hoped to be rejected, but are perfectly fine man. As he was about to enter the room, one neighbour said to the other: wait me out, I'm gonna be rejected.

So 10 minutes later the guy came out and guess what. Rejected.

"Rejected? For what?"

"I just shoved 100 bucks up ...

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My neighbour knocked on my front door.

"Would you mind looking after the kids today?" she asked.

"Maybe," I replied. "How come?"

"Because one of yours is taking a shit on our front lawn!" she yelled.

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.

Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after s...

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So my neighbour with the big titties is outside gardening topless again today.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

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A farmer passing by his neighbours barn saw a strange sight inside

The farmer peered inside the barn door and there was his neighbour dancing around and taking off his clothes in front of an old John Deere. He knocks on the barn door, walks in and asks him why he’s stripping and dancing in his barn. The neighbour says that him and his wife have been having trouble ...

My neighbours listen to great music

Whether they like it or not

When i'm bored in Lockdown i just send flowers with An "i miss you" card to my neighbour John.

Then i go to the balcony with a drink and listen to his wife.

My neighbour has a fetish for holidays

I thought he was just jealous when he asked "Can I come in your suitcase?"

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My neighbour was arrested for killing a black man.

He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

I helped my neighbours install clappers

There must be something wrong with them because they were flickering on and off all night

My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes naked in her back yard.

Personally, I'm on the fence.

My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...........

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £50...

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

My two British neighbours had their donkey escape from the barn, and are desperately looking for it.

They are assless chaps.

Neighbour's 8 year old son: Corona has looted half my inheritance

Me: How?

Him: My mom is pregnant

The son wanna date a neighbour

\- Dad, can I date Lisa next door?

\- No, she is your sister.

\- How about Anna in block 59?

\- No, she is your little sister.

\- Ok, this is weird. How about Karen the waitress? Can I date her or is she my sister too?

\- No, she is your brother.

The upset s...

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A man was teaching his wife golf...

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

...

My neighbour asked me to stop playing Oasis songs all night long

I said maybe...

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

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A poor man goes to a sex club

After standing in line to get in het gets to the doorman. "What can I get for $5" the poor man says.

"You can get into the mystery room" says the doorman and he proceeds to lead the poor man to a door. Once he opens the door he sees a big round chamber with in the middle a donkey with a small...

Last night around 3 a.m. the neighbour rang my doorbell...

...he shocked me so much with it that I almost dropped the drill.

One night, my dog brings me my neighbour’s rabbit, dead in its mouth.

It’s dirty, definitely dead and I’m a bit drunk so I panic. My neighbours hate me anyway. This could get me evicted.

So I take the rabbit, meticulously wash off the dirt and dry it. Then I sneak over the fence and put it back in it’s hutch, leaving no trace. Job well done.

My neighbour...

Teacher: So what’s your sentence that contains the word contagious?

Student: our neighbour is painting a wall with 2 inch brush, my dad says it will take this contagious.

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I tried to poop on my neighbour's property.

Then the shit hit the fence.

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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Shaun, I can't fucking sleep."

"Well it's your lucky day." I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

So my neighbour sees me bent over, busy in my garden. And she asks what I'm doing.

"I'm alphabetising all my plants"

"Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"

"It's right next to the sage"

Neighbour.

Husband: Oh No! our neighbour has died.

Wife: Who, Ray?

Husband: I don't think cheering is appropriate Karen.

My neighbour recently bought a BMW, a Volkswagen, 2 Fords, a Toyota and a Chrysler...

I think he's got the car-owners virus.

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for on...

My next door neighbour keeps saying he's actually a big cat in a human suit.

To be honest I think he might be lion.

My neighbours have been married 20 years

Unfortunately, I've heard them have the same argument a lot lately


Him: You're cheating! Don't deny it, I can see through your behaviour!


Her: Well you beat me all the time, and I've had enough!


Maybe they should play something other than Monopoly...

My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.


He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people bu...

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Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

My musician neighbour is scaring me

I heard him fingering a minor

My neighbour is a clown for childrens parties. Evertime I turn my back to get ready for bed, he sneaks into my house in full costume and starts banging my wife. I can see them, in the mirror, going at it while I'm brushing my teeth.

They keep on telling me that I'll look back and laugh at it one day.

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Morning Chat with the Neighbour

I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "nonce" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?" I asked.

"Fucking Kids." Came his mumbled reply.

Dirty Bastard.

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[NSFW] Anything you want

My wife left for work this morning, and almost immediately I got a call from my next door neighbour telling me to come around quick as she needed my help.

So, I knock on her door, and she opens the door in a robe and immediately drags me into the living room. She then drops the robe to revea...

There was once a hillbilly in first grade

His teacher once asked him:

"Do you know what the chicken gives us?"

"Eggs" he answered

"Correct, anything else?"

"More eggs"

"Beside the eggs, what does the chicken give us?"

"Even more eggs, ma'am"

"I'll give you a hint - it's something fluffy"
<...

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Tim's wife Shannon likes to yell at him.

"Why did you do that, for Pete's sake?" She'd shout whenever he did something she didn't like, which over several years of marriage, was quite a lot.

Until one night, Tim had enough. He left the house in a rage and didn't come back. In the morning, Shannon woke up to find a policeman at the ...

I used to believe my neighbour when he said he slept standing upright.

But he's been lying.

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Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said jump in i will give you a lift... "FUCK OFF" he screamed at me....

What an ungrateful bastard, I thought as i zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

A lady and her husband arr at the hospital to give birth to their baby

Just before the operation, she starts to get panic attacks due to stories she's heard of the immense pain. The doctors offer an alternative solution.

Doctor: "We've procured a machine that transfers the pain felt by the mother to the father. But be warned, the pain will be like nothing you've...

My neighbour is an avid gardener.

He was up digging at three in the morning.

And he's so good that the next day the police came to see his work.

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Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.

Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

An elderly woman phoned the police and said she saw her neighbour, naked walking around his bedroom blinds open.

Police turn up and says to her, sorry madam, but you cannot even see his bedroom, there is a fence blocking the view.

She replies, you can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

Why didn't Dwayne Johnson's downstairs neighbour recognise him?

Because he's been living under a rock

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A penis has sad life.

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pissy and his owner beats him.

Still one of my favourite jokes my friend told me

Son: "Dad, I fell in love with an awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually...

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man ...

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Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....

feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

I just put up an electric fence around my property yesterday.

My neighbour is dead against it.

My neighbour blamed my gravel for making him fall over...

I told him it was his own dumb asphalt

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

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My son adorably can't pronounce Ks and they always come out as Ts...

... it was all cute until he asked my neighbour if he could "stroke her titties".

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A city slicker moves to the countryside

He's bought a big house in the country, with a farm, land and a barn wanting to get back to nature after making his millions.


He's unpacking his things and an old cowboy neighbour comes over and asks


"hey city slicker, i'm having a party tonight, fancy coming?"

...

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I thought my sexual fantasies were weird...

... untill I heard my neighbour say to his wife, "Climb up that bookshelf, and jump on my dick baby."

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionai...

True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ...

I live in a trailer park and noises tend to travel.

My neighbour was banging this chick he brought home and it felt like it had been going on for hours. I was getting annoyed so in my best Mortal Kombat voice I yelled out, “FINISH HER!!!”
Thankfully they finished a few minutes later.
About 2 hours later I hear my neighbour yell out in his Mort...

"Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."

"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.

Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"

"I wasn't talking about his age!"

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

Yesterday morning I called my neighbour to ask if he and his wife could enjoy each other a little more quiet.

He told me he wasn't home.

God creates Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.

I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.

I'll change, when you start listening to me!

So the little town of St. Marlo on the Waters had an old parish priest who some of the more cheeky children would say was in his early 150s. Every sunday he'd stumble up the steps to the pulpit and begin delivering his sermon, which the local boys would also have you believe finished sometime tuesda...

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My neighbour came at me aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear dissapearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's...

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My wealthy neighbour told me she wants to change her will and she's going to leave everything to me.

Well, she can fuck right off and hire a Lawyer.

Tight bitch.

I just moved into a new apartment

I asked a neighbour in the same apartment building, “Bro, you live directly above me & you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?” “I got 18 rolls,” answered my neighbour.

Two months later, I met this neighbour of mine again and...

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My wife is a Saint!

My Neighbour: Lucky bastard, mine is still alive.

(True story, for what it’s worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.

“Like the Spanish Armada?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said and I shook my head in disbelief.

“Well,” I sighed. “At least he isn’t called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.”

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A normal joke

Man goes to doctor, doctor gives him a jar and asks for a semen sample. After he went home, he tried with his left hand, it wouldn't work. He tried with his right, it wouldn't work. He called over his wife, she tried with both hands one by one, it wouldn't work. He calls over his neighbour, He tried...

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I jokingly asked my wife if she would consider inviting the neighbours over for some sexy time together

And, she agreed forsome reasons.

Two farmers, One hen.

There once was a farmer who owned a hen, this hen would occasionally wander over to his neighbour's property.

One day the hen laid an egg along the property line and , right in front of the farmer, the neighbour walked over and picked up the egg. A battle of words ensues.

Farmer: why a...

A woman is talking to her next door neighbour and she says I'm worried about my 16 year old son...

I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, nipple clamps and a whip. What should I do.
And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't spank him.

My neighbour is stalking me.

I saw him checking my FB profile through my binoculars.

My next door neighbour says I'm a bit of a looker.

Well, 'Peeping Tom' were the actual words she used.

A boy was taking his dad's horse to mate with the neighbour's horse

Upon arriving, the neighbour sees the boy coming along and asks the boy what's he doing.


"I brought the horse to mate with yours."


"Well, and couldnt it be your dad to do it?"


"No, sir. I believe it has to be the horse."

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My wife was threatening to leave me because of my misogyny. The next day I found her having sex with the neighbour..

All I could yell was "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PROPERTY"

An old joke from the Warsaw-pact about a parachuted CIA agent.

The CIA agent is parachuted down to somewhere in Siberia and goes to the nearest village and knocks on the first door, saying he's a lumberjack from the neighbouring village asking for shelter, to which the Russian replies

"No, you're an American spy!"

and then closes the door.
...

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I saw my neighbour crying while mowing the lawn

So I went outside to talk to him. I said:

"Tom you're a great dude but you're such a crybaby sometimes. I know your wife left you but she was a bitch! I had a girl leave me because she was sick of my shit but you don't see me bawling my eyes out about it!"

He tried to reply but his eye...

My neighbour knocked on today so I opened the door in my dressing gown.

He looked me up and down and said “that’s a weird place to put a door”

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

I met my Chinese neighbour, Mr. Long, for the first time the other day. I said to him "I've been here months and still don't know your name"...

"Hau Long" he replied.
"Five months, I just said."
"No, Hau Long is my name."
"I don't know, you haven't told me"

Three guys on the airplane, on their way home

I translated this joke from danish, hope you like it

So three guys were on the airplane, on their way home from vacation.
Suddenly one of the guys begins throwing knives out the window.
The others ask: “Why are you throwing knives out the window?”
He answers: “Because i have so many ...

My neighbour told me to stop changing my clothes near my window.

I asked him, "Why? I keep the curtains closed and the lights off."

He said, "I know that, I just think you should change inside of your house."

My neighbour obviously doesn't watch adult movies...

She asked me to fix the sink and I'm still here an hour later fixing the sink. >.<

My neighbour came round to see me at 2AM yesterday,

It was lucky I was up playing the bagpipes

TIFU by accidentally cutting down by neighbour's hedge instead of my own

Whoops, wrong shrub.

New car factory in USA

As I understand it the Audi car company are opening a new factory in Texas to produce a new SUV to be called the Audi Neighbour.

My neighbour rang my doorbell at 2 am...

I got out of bed, opened the door and he asked me:
"Do you have garlic?"
I searched the kitchen, but with no luck. So I told him:
"No, I don't have garlic." and closed the door. After an hour or so I managed to get asleep again.
Then the neighbour rang the doorbell again at 4 am,...

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So there are three friars living atop a mountain

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<b...

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