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My neighbor with big boobs has been gardening topless all day.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

I didn't really like gardening at first

But then it started to grow on me

You wife was a stripper and now teaches gardening classes...

Color me impressed...

I didn’t know you could lead a horticulture

Two ladies are gardening...

One pulls out a HUGE carrot with a deformed, bulbous end on it and says, "That reminds me of my husband's!"

The other lady gasps and asks, "Oh my, is he that big?!"

"No, he's that dirty."

I used to be terrified of gardening..

Until I grew a pear.

What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

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Why are Jews bad at gardening?

Their soil is too Hasidic.

When I do the gardening, I alphabetise my herbs, people often ask how I find the time.

I respond with "Easy, Thyme is right between the Tarragon and Turmeric"

Did you hear about the Legend of Zelda gardening sim?

You play as Link, the hero of Thyme.

I used to be afraid of gardening...

...but then I thought I'd grow a pear.

I'm disappointed BIC company doesn't make gardening equipment

Who wouldn't want to have a Dig Bic Plow

Found on a gardening store sign: We're so glad spring is here,

we wet our plants.

Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.

"A lemon tree, Watson".

I own an innovative gardening supplies store.

We sell cutting-hedge technology.

I hear the devil is good at gardening.

Why else would everyone want his lettuce so badly?

I could tell a good gardening joke

but it's too dirty.

I have a gardening tool that I use to dig up large amounts of treasure

So yeah, I got a big booty hoe

I saw Michael J. Fox in a gardening centre the other day...

He had his back to the fuchsia.

My wife would always nag me to do the gardening..

Eventually I had to put that hoe in the ground.

did you hear about the clumsy musician who tried gardening?

he dropped the beet

A prisoner who's great at gardening receives a letter from his wife...

"Dear Husband,
I want to plant lettuce in our backyard
garden. What is the best time of year to plant it?"

Knowing the prison guards monitor all mail, he writes back...

"Do not touch the garden. That is where I buried our life savings. See you next visit."

The wife writes ...

Religious gardening rising in popularity with today's youth.

Parents around the nation are alarmed at their teens obsession with Sects and Violets.

Roses are red, violets are blue

I’m just telling you gardening facts.

An English man,an Irish man, a french man and a German man get on a plane

The English man dropped a stone off the plane. The Irish man dropped a brick off the plane. The french man dropped a knife off the plane. The German man dropped a bomb off the plane. When the English man got home, he found his dad crying in the garden. “Why are you crying?” said the English man. <...

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know if they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a litt...

Facebook Friends . . .

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures o...

My son likes rap music, but he's only 7 so when he asks what certain words mean, I lie....

for example, when rappers talk about "weed" they're just talking about the weeds in their grass... and when they "smoke weed" that just means they're killing the weeds in their lawn...


his favorite line is "HEY HEY HEY HEY... Smoke Weed Everyday".... I had to explain to him that it's by...

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

Why a man doesn't drink milk

A man was out in his garden one day, an activity he enjoys daily. He likes growing different plants like flowers and vegetables, and he's gotten very good at it. He recently learned that ants can aerate and help water travel through the soil, so he had recently placed a few colonies of ants througho...

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Jim's Birthday Hat

Jim's birthday was coming up, and as much as he enjoyed his birthday, he dreaded the obligations that came with it. Despite his vehement protests, his wife had arranged lunch with the whole family, including his witch of a mother-in-law. But Jim was a good man and said he'd be on his best behaviour....

Pale Tomatoes...

Two women are talking while gardening. "Oh, I am SO jealous of your tomatoes. Mine are so pale and yours are bright red.".

"It's easy, just walk out in your nightgown early in the morning and flash them. They'll be bright red after a couple of days."

They meet again a few weeks later. ...

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Just heard this joke from my dad: A newly hired salesman in a department store is being taught by his manager how to handle sales...

The manager tells him that he'll help the first customer, and show him how to make the most of a sales opportunity, and then he'll let him try.

A customer walks in, so the manager approaches him and says: "Good evening, sir! How may I help you?"

"I'd like to buy some grass seeds.", say...

My wife ran inside terrified after throwing rocks and cursing at the people walking towards our house wielding chainsaws this morning...

Can anyone recommend another gardening company?

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An old woman asks for her neighbor's parrot..

An old woman was chatting with her next door neighbor, and when he mentioned that he was going away to college and could not take his parrot with him, she asked him what he would do with the bird.
"Ah, I'll give 'em to the pet store. Somebody else's problem."
Well this just would not do for t...

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Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida...

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir." she said "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do." he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like g...

Too Wiggly and Limp

Grandpa and his 7-year-old grandson are gardening when to boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

“I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t,” says Gramps. “It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” Th...

A man plants 49 trees in his back yard

He tends to them every day and always takes the best care of them. They are his pride and joy! They all grow up pretty fast and very healthy as a result of this.

One day he wakes up and looks out his big window, as he does every morning, and notices that something is wrong. He hurries outsid...

My grandpa died yesterday. Here's one of my favorite jokes he told. What are your favorite grandpa jokes?

Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbour's little daughter was digging a hole. "Sally what are you doing with that shovel?" asked Ms.Robinson. "My goldfish died, s...

Romance. Mystery. Intellect...

Bus. Gardening. Spoons.

All these and more words in "Dictionary: The Movie".

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A monastery opens a flower shop [long]

Outside a large town, a monastery was running out of money. The monks conferred, and decided the best way to alleviate their financial woes would be to use their considerable gardening skills to sell flowers. They used what was left in the coffers to buy a small shop, and opened a store.
After ...

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Heaven's New Rule

God was sitting with St. Peter and let him know of a new rule he wanted to implement. "If someone's last day on Earth is terrible, they get one more day."

St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates ready to enact Heaven's new rule when the first soul approached.

St. Peter said "My son,...

2 men meet as ghosts after death.

The first man asks the second man, "How did you die?"

The second man replies, " I froze to death, and you?"

The first man says, " I had a heart attack."

The second man asks, "how could that have happened?"

First man says," I was gardening outside my house and heard an un...

An old man goes to the doctor...

...and asks him:



"Doctor, will I live for at least ten more years?"



"Do you smoke?" asks the doctor



"No, sir."



"Do you drink alcohol?"



"Not at all."



"Do you spend a lot of time under the hot sun? For example pl...

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