Gardening Jokes - 35 Hilarious Gardening Jokes

I told my wife that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.

But..she’s digging in her heels.

I'm kinda new to gardening...

Someone suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.

Well, I'm never doing that again...

I'll just stick to whipped cream.

Gardening..

..is so exciting, I wet my plants!

An old man and his son loved to do the gardening together.

There was an old man who loved doing the gardening with his son, every week they would get together and do the gardening.

One day the dad is diagnosed with lung cancer, not got long left to live. So the son decides that to raise money to pay for treatment he starts to sell drugs. Weed meth co...

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A dryad goes to a gardening store and gets herself a big bag of fertilizer

"Whatchu got there?"

"Cow manure. It's my favorite fertilizer," she says, dreamily.

"What!? Are you bullshitting me?"

"No! I'm bullshitting me!"

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My neighbor with big boobs has been gardening topless all day.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.

You do some gardening once, you do not become a gardener. You nail two pieces of wood together, you do not become a woodworker.

So I do not see how I could be a murderer, your honour.

What's the best part about Gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes!

Did you hear about the pimp who took up gardening?

He had a lot of hoes.

Based on a true story: I was carrying back gardening tools to the shed and dropped one. My wife yells from behind me.

"Yee haw, it's a hoe down"

Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.

"A lemon tree, Watson".

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Two ladies are gardening...

One pulls out a HUGE carrot with a deformed, bulbous end on it and says, "That reminds me of my husband's!"

The other lady gasps and asks, "Oh my, is he that big?!"

"No, he's that dirty."

If you like flowers but don't like gardening

Run over a kid outside your driveway

-Jimmy Carr

What do you call a boxer who enjoys landscape gardening in his spare time?

Manny Patio

I stole some gardening equipment from a pimp.

He found me, grabbed me by my collar and shouted, "Where my hoes at?"

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Day off

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some ext...

After I lost a close friend, I decided to get into some gardening

Went down to Home Depot, got all the necessary tools, and got to work immediately.
And now that a few months have gone by, I can say with full confidence that no one is going to find that body.

Every day I see my big-breasted neighbour doing gardening work in front of the house.

I really hope his wife tells him to put a shirt on someday.

The Mother Superior assembles all the nuns in the refectory

"Sisters," says the Mother Superior grimly, "while we were gardening this morning, we found a discarded condom!"

99 nuns: \*horrified gasp\*

one nun: \*tee-hee\*

"And," adds the Mother Superior, "it had been *used!*"

99 nuns: \*horrified gasp\*

one nun: \*tee-hee\*...

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You wife was a stripper and now teaches gardening classes...

Color me impressed...

I didn’t know you could lead a horticulture

When I do the gardening, I alphabetise my herbs, people often ask how I find the time.

I respond with "Easy, Thyme is right between the Tarragon and Turmeric"

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Why are Jews bad at gardening?

Their soil is too Hasidic.

I used to be terrified of gardening..

Until I grew a pear.

I'm disappointed BIC company doesn't make gardening equipment

Who wouldn't want to have a Dig Bic Plow

I used to be afraid of gardening...

...but then I thought I'd grow a pear.

I own an innovative gardening supplies store.

We sell cutting-hedge technology.

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I was doing some gardening when my friend asked me to go out and have a drink with him. I said no cause I was gardening. He said 'Come on

*BROS BEFORE HOES*

It's a shit joke ik dont bully me

Was thinking of purchasing some vacant real estate near my house so my wife could begin gardening after the holiday season.

But she said "I don't want a lot for Christmas."

I could tell a good gardening joke

but it's too dirty.

An old lady was walking down the street

An old lady was walking down the street with two huge bags over her shoulders. While suddenly, one of the bags break and 100$ bills start falling on the sidewalk one after another.

A policeman going in the opposite direction notices this and alerts the lady:
“Excuse me, I think one of your...

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A Monsignor is in charge of a nunnery. He visits most every Sunday, gives mass, and takes confession.

On one such Sunday he is taking confession and is hearing the usual stuff from the nuns, taking the Lord's be name in vain, thinking impure thoughts, etc. All is going as expected until Sister Roberta walks in. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The Monsignor says, "Unburden yourself....

I was doing some gardening the other day, when I found some gold coins

I was about to run straight home and tell my wife, then I remembered why i was digging in our garden.

I hear the devil is good at gardening.

Why else would everyone want his lettuce so badly?

Did you hear about the Legend of Zelda gardening sim?

You play as Link, the hero of Thyme.

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