UPJOKE
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Hello Jokes

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Hello Baby!!

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning in the fathers room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well I can...

Last night I woke up, startled, to a female’s voice coming from my desktop. “Hello,” it said, “It’s me.”

Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

"Hello, 911? I want to report a hit and run"

Dispatcher: What was the make and model of the vehicle?

Me: It was a Lamborghini Silhouette.

Dispatcher: How do you spell that?

Me: Huh!? Sorry, I mean it was a BMW Z4.

Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

How does a German cowboy say hello?

Audi.

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”Hello. My name is Paul, and I am a sex addict.“

Group leader: ”Hello Paul. Nice to meet you. But I have to tell you that the sex addicts meet three rooms further down the hall. This is the group for single moms.“

Paul: ”I know.“

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hello Willie

An old bloke woke up to celebrate 92nd birthday and spoke to his toes.

He said, “Hello toes! How are you? You know, you're 92 today. Oh the times we’ve had! Remember we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”
...

“Hello darkness my old friend.”

Darkness: “I have a boyfriend.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?

Konnichihuahua

A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal"

The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

Why does Windows 10 say "Hello"?

Because my PC is a Dell.


(please don't hurt me it's my first post on r/Jokes omg)

Hello everyone 32 (F) here

It's freezing in here!

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Pickup line : hello, are you lactose intolerant?

Just wanted to make sure, my pickup line is very chessy. .


I used that once...she laughed...her husband laughed i walked away...true story btw

Hello and Welcome to the mental health hotline...

If you are obsessive-compulsive,
press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent,
please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities,
press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace ...

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

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A man calls to the hotel's receptionist and he says........"Hello..........

..."Hello, I'm in room 620, please send someone here immediately! I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window!!"




The receptionist says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's your personal problem"




To which the man gets an...

How do noodles say hello in Germany?

Gluten tag

Hello and welcome to Contradictions Anonymous.

What's your name?

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman phones pharmacy... ' Hello my husband needs something to keep his d**k up'

Pharmacist 'sounds like he needs viagra, it will keep him long and hard for hours'

Woman 'can you get it over the counter?'

Pharmacist ' if I took 4 or 5 I might......'

I love to go to bookstores and ask "Hello, I'm looking for a book titled: How to deal with rejection without killing"

... do you have it? ...

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Never say hello to a Brown bear's arse

You'll meet a grizzly end...

*Using Ouija board* “Hello is anyone there?”

*Y*

*O*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*


“Dammit this is a Soulja board”

How does a cannibal say hello?

He offers you a handshake.

Hello 911

me: Hello 911

operator: hello what’s your emergency

me: these men won’t stop laughing

operator: ok yea that’s annoying but not a crime

me: wtf is manslaughter then

I said hello to a German Baker the other day

He said, "Gluten Tag!"

"Hello I'd like to register for mime classes"

"Ah, say no more"

How do crayons made in Spain say hello?

Crayhola.

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

'Hello, is this radio Xyz?'

'Yes, you're on the air'
'Well, I've just found a wallet with 5000$ and an id card John Smith'
'And you want to return it to the owner?'
'No, I just want to dedicate him a song'

How do poets say hello?

Hey, haven’t we metaphor?

"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief ...

How do chinese cats say hello?

Mi Yao
[this is my first post here be nice pls]

-Hello I want to return a faulty boomerang

-Well where is it?

-No idea!

My computer just said hello to me.

I think it's A Dell.

Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?

"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

"No- wait, Dracula?"

"Yes!"

"You're vampires?"

"Yes. We have pamphlets."

"Vampires have missionaries?"

"Where else would new vampires come from?"

"I assumed you bit people."

"There are many h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dog walking down the street sees a horse and says "Hello."

The horse looks down and says "Holy crap! It's a talking dog!"

Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?"

Student: "My father fell into a pit"


Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"


Student: "I think so, he stopped calling for help today."

"Hello, you here to talk to me about Dinosaurs?"

Answer the door and see that its a sale man from an internet service provider. They have stopped at my house ten times in the last year to tell me about the digging in my area and I decided to have some fun with them today. Here is the conversation from today:

Me: Hello, you here to talk to m...

"Hello police? I'd like to report a murder"

"For the last time sir, a bunch of crows sitting in a tree isn't a threat to your security"

How Does a Deaf Mathematician Say Hello?

With a Sine Wave!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sadd...

"Hello, I need to make an insurance claim, a fish have damaged my car."

-"... a fish? We'll have to inspect the vehicle first. Where is it parked?"

-"In the lake."

A terrorist is holding dad at gunpoint

"Say your last words!"

"Your last words!"

-






Since this is now on the front page, hello world. Buy shares in hair, I hear it's growing.

And now, [a short intermission](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0wOD9TWynM). Albatrosses will be served shortly.

Hello, God?

In an effort to combat religious bigotry, the leaders of the world's largest religions decided to show solidarity by organizing a world tour, where they would all visit each other in their respective seats of power.

The first stop on the tour was the Vatican where the Pope welcomed the group ...

2 blondes, 2 brunettes, and 2 redheads walk into a bar. The 2 blondes say "hello" to the bartender...

The 4 Non Blondes say "WHAT'S GOING ON!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hello, my name is Umberto ...

One day the doorbell rang at Mr. Smith‘s house. He opened the door and found a young Italian man standing there, who greeted him nicely:

"Hello, my name is Umberto, I just moved here from Italy and I‘m very horny. Since I haven‘t been with a woman for several weeks, I‘m here to fuck your...

Hello darkness my old friend...

I've come to talk to you about your car's extended warranty.

Y’all ever heard how a Chinese cowboy says hello?

Ni Haody

What do you call two spices saying hello to each other during the holidays?

Seasons greetings

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"

Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hello, I would like to buy a dog."

"Are you looking for a male or female dog?"

"Bitch please."

'Hello, is this Trump's office?'

'Yes, how can we help you? '

'Can you guys tell me a good joke?'

'Sir, please, we are serious people and we are working very hard all the time, we don't have time for jokes.'

'Hahhahahahaahah, good one, thank you very much.'

Hello, I'm Amanda Laurie-Anne!

Mando: Hi. Me too.

Man: Hello, is this hotel manager speaking?

Manager: Yes. What happened Sir?

Man: My wife is arguing with me and saying that she will jump out of the window.

Manger : Sorry Sir, this is your personal issue, we cannot help.

Man: I know, I know but I want help because the window is not opening.

"Hello Tech Support, how may I help you?"

"Hello Tech Support, how may I help you?"

"So I just got into work, and it seems McAfee is just hanging."

Hello, may I have your order?

No, this is mine. Go get your own!

Hello everyone 27(F), single mom here !

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Hello welcome to today’s Communist marathon...

On your Marx....

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

Stranger: hello

Me: hello

Stranger: mind if I come over?

Me: that's a little inappropriate.

Stranger: hold on, some guy in the stall next to me won't shut up.

Me: Hello is that the Samaritans?

Her: Yes, how can I help you today?

Me: I have just won the lottery, I am dating a 19 year old model and I have just inherited a brewery...

Her: So what seems to be the problem?

Me: No problem, I just thought you might wanna hear some good news for a change

Hello I want to return this vacuum.

Why? Is it damaged?

No, it sucks.

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, "Hello."

At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed…

What is Hello Kitty’s sick cousin’s name?

Bron-Kittys

Me: 'Hello, I would like to make a withdrawal.'

Receptionist: 'Are you sure you're not here to make a *deposit*, sir?'

Me: "No."

Receptionist: 'Just a few questions, sir. Are you married?'

Me: "Uhm, no."

Receptionist: 'Do you have a partner?"

Me: "No, again. Why do you need to know my marital status and relation...

That moment when someone says "Hello"

and you panic and think you have suddenly friends, but that "someone" behind you just answered the phone.

-Hello, I would like to return a boomerang I bought from here, it's not working.

-Of course. Where is it?

-No idea.

Missionary: Hello tribals, meet Jesus

Tribals: You first

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hello girl, you a newspaper?

Because there seems to be a new issue with you every single fucking day

hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ?

Yes, Sir, what happened ?
"I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"

"Hello, I'm Peter, professional pickpocket."

...said the man as he handed me my business card.

Hello, Tech Support?

How do I set my laser printer to stun?

“Donner party of 4? Hello? Donner party of 4?”

[indistinct]

“Okay, Donner party of 3, right this way.”

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

Me: Hello, ASPCA? There's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan

ASPCA: We don't believe you

Me: Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret

I called up a hotel and the receptionist answered 'Hello, Best Western'...

I replied 'True Grit, starring John Wayne.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

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