"Hello, you here to talk to me about Dinosaurs?"

Answer the door and see that its a sale man from an internet service provider. They have stopped at my house ten times in the last year to tell me about the digging in my area and I decided to have some fun with them today. Here is the conversation from today:

Me: Hello, you here to talk to m...

[Opens door] “Hello, I’m here to make my annual deposit to the sperm bank...”

“...I’ve been saving them all year.”

How does Chinese gangster say hello in Italian?

Ciao, mein!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hello, I would like to buy a dog."

"Are you looking for a male or female dog?"

"Bitch please."

"Hello police? I'd like to report a murder"

"For the last time sir, a bunch of crows sitting in a tree isn't a threat to your security"

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

Me: 'Hello, I would like to make a withdrawal.'

Receptionist: 'Are you sure you're not here to make a *deposit*, sir?'

Me: "No."

Receptionist: 'Just a few questions, sir. Are you married?'

Me: "Uhm, no."

Receptionist: 'Do you have a partner?"

Me: "No, again. Why do you need to know my marital status and relation...

"Hello Tech Support, how may I help you?"

"Hello Tech Support, how may I help you?"

"So I just got into work, and it seems McAfee is just hanging."

Hello everyone 32 (F) here

It's freezing in here!

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

-Hello, I would like to return a boomerang I bought from here, it's not working.

-Of course. Where is it?

-No idea.

Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

Woman : I also stopped b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

How do poets say hello?

*"Hey, haven’t we metaphor?"*

How does a German cowboy say hello?

Audi.

Why was the woman turned off when Yoda said "Hello. My name is Yoda. It's nice to meet you."

He was being too forward.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy halts his car near a prostitutes.

„How much for a blowjob“ he asks.
„50“ she answers.
„Great, hop in“ he says.

She gets in the car, takes the $50 and gets down on him. After she‘s done, the guy says „That was so hot, here‘s another $100 just for you.“ She‘s surprised but pleased. She takes the money and gets out of the ...

My grandma told me this one

A butcher goes to a barber for a haircut. When it’s time to pay, the barber declines, saying “I’m feeling generous today, you don’t need to pay for this one”

The next morning someone knocks on the barber’s door. When he opens, it turns out to be the butcher, carrying some sausages and other m...

What do you call two spices saying hello to each other during the holidays?

Seasons greetings

Two friends in a pub one says:

"Hello John hows your brother Brian?"

"He died Alf"

"Oh that is terrible how did he die?"

"Well he was driving his car and he slammed on the brakes with such force he got catapulted out of the roof through my second floor bedroom window and landed on the bed"

"Oh that...

Vladimir Putin visits a primary school one day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russi...

Me: Hello, ASPCA? There's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan

ASPCA: We don't believe you

Me: Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a public toilet and found it was empty

I went into a booth and sat down on the seat. Just then I heard someone come in and get into the booth next to me. I coughed to let them know I was in the booth next to him. He said "Hello". I was surprised but didn't say anything. He said Hello again. This time I said "hey." He asked "how are you?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sadd...

Man: Hello, is this hotel manager speaking?

Manager: Yes. What happened Sir?

Man: My wife is arguing with me and saying that she will jump out of the window.

Manger : Sorry Sir, this is your personal issue, we cannot help.

Man: I know, I know but I want help because the window is not opening.

An Irish man goes to the Doctor,

Who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart but I think if you take some tablets you’ll be okay“, So the doctor gives him some tablets and the man asks “Do I have to take them every day?

“No“, “take one on Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thu...

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"

Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

A man walks into an eye doctor…..

……..he says hello to the doctor, and the doctor says the same. The doctor asks the man if he’d like to hear a joke. The man says yes. “Why does the phone wears glasses?” The doctor asked. The man shakes his head in confusion. The doctor continues, “because he doesn’t have any contacts”. The man frus...

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

"What'll you have?” the bartender asks.

"Gin and tonic,” says the man.

The bartender obliges, and the man sits and enjoys his drink. As he unwinds and watches the football game on TV, he hears the door open. He casually glances behind him to see who's walking in and does a double take ...

A Blonde woman moves into a brand new neighbourhood,

The following evening her house catches fire and starts burning quickly, she quickly calls emergency services and gets put through to the fire department,
Blonde: Hello my house is burning down, you must come quickly.
Fire Chief: Ok no problem tell us where you live.
Blonde: It's a new h...

Man: Hello, can someone help me? My house is burning down!

Mrs. Doubtfire: Sorry Sir, I don’t believe you.

Two Americans in the Arabian desert.

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some fo...

TIL just like hi is the short form of hello...

I do is just a short form of
I am doomed

Takes under a decade of marriage to learn this

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man anticipated a night of ravenous lovemaking when the Russian woman entered wearing nothing but a bra and panties. However, as she was walking, he heard a faint “Hello! Hello!” coming from her nether regions with each step she took...

“Where’s that sound coming from?” the man asked with a confused look on his face.

She smiled and said, “Don’t worry, that's just my Privyet parts.”

A police officer pulled me over.

"Hello, there!" I said.

He said, "Sir, I'm almost certain I can smell alcohol on your breath. About 95%"

I said, "Correction, whiskey is about 40%"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench when I approached her, opened my raincoat and exposed myself to her. "Hello!" I grinned, pointing to my genitals, "do you know what this is?"

She adjusted her glasses, squinted for a moment and said, "Yes! It looks just like a penis -- only *much* smaller."

"Hello I'd like to register for mime classes"

"Ah, say no more"

I called up a hotel and the receptionist answered 'Hello, Best Western'...

I replied 'True Grit, starring John Wayne.'

Three musicians are killed in an automobile accident. They arrive together at the pearly gates, where they are greeted by Saint Peter.

"Hello," says Saint Peter. "I suppose you'd like to get into Heaven!"

"Yes, we would," says the first musician, a band director.

"Well, there's just a little test you have to take. Nothing too difficult. Related to your earthly profession," says Saint Peter.

"OK," says the band ...

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a Japanese chihuahua say hello?

Konichihuahua

Just the head

A family living in an old village have a son that is a bit slow. He failed high school three times. The husband says to his wife: "if Ahmed passes this time, we are sacrificing a sheep and giving it's head to the Imam".
The woman doesn't think anything of it, he did pass the past three times, why...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on his couch when the doorbell rings

He opens the door and there is a young man standing there.

"Hello. My name is Tobias. I'm here to fuck your daughter."

The man can't believe his ears: "To what?!"

"Tobias"

My wife said we need to recycle more.

So I told her I'd go to the biggest recyclers I know for advice.



Hello r/Jokes

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" screams the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A business man is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he's in need of a haircut and doesn't have much extra time...

He remembers there's a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he's back on his way.




A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.





"Hello again Sir." the barber says. "What can I do for you?"


<...

What is Hello Kitty’s sick cousin’s name?

Bron-Kittys

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

Hello

TLDR: Hi

Hello..! fairly new here to /r/Jokes. Thought I might drop you all a short note.

Staccato

“Donner party of 4? Hello? Donner party of 4?”

[indistinct]

“Okay, Donner party of 3, right this way.”

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him..

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He decides he'd call in during his work day and try to catch his wife in the act. A woman's voice answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?" the man replies. The voice responds, "I'm the housekeeper. I was hired this morning. Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew goes into a brothel

— Hello, I’d like to hire the services of a woman called Alice

— What a coincidence, that’s my name. What do you want done?

— I… I want to be pegged

— Oh, how kinky. Why are you looking for this, my sweet mohel?

— Because I’ve always wanted someone named Alice to find out...

Hello Mortal!

I have a Motorola phone and I booted it up with Dad in the room, and the phone said the standard Motorola greeting, "Hallo Moto!"

Dad was about half listening and thought he heard my phone say "Hello, Mortal!"

An interesting conversation ensued.

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Heather.

Guy: This isn’t a competition.

- Hello. I want to return the robot vacuum cleaner I bought from you a week ago. The agreement allows it?

\- Yes, just tell me what you didn't like, we will inform the manufacturer.

\- Everything is in order, I just no longer need a vacuum cleaner. After he sucked the cat three times, My cat learned to use a brush, rag, scoop, and report a full bin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus walks into a Hotel

then he goes up to the guy at the counter

GuyAtTheCounter: hello sir, how may i help you?

Jesus: I need a room for the night.

GuyAtTheCounter: ok sir, that’ll be... $100

Jesus then reaches into his pocket, pulls out: $100 and a handful of Rusty Nails

GuyAtTheCounte...

Telephone at the hotel reception:

\- Hello, I'm calling from room 303. Could you please send someone from the service? I'm arguing with my wife and she threatened to jump out the window.

\- Sorry, this is your private problem.

\- Yeah, right, but the damn window doesn't open, and that's your problem.

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frog goes into a bank to get a loan. The frog hops up on the counter and the lady at the counter introduces herself.

Mrs. Wack “Hello my names Mrs. wack what do you want today?”

Frog “ I want a loan”

Mrs. Wack “I don’t know if you can get a loan. You’re a frog. What’s your name?”

Frog “Kermit”

Mrs. Wack “You’re not Kermit the frog.”

Kermit “ No No No, I was named after him. My na...

Hello, may I have your order?

No, this is mine. Go get your own!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

A burglar breaks in to a house

A burglar breaks into a house,

as he’s wandering through the first floor he hears “Jesus is watching you “,

Startled, he looks around and he sees a parrot, as he sees the parrot it says to him “Jesus is watching you “,
“Hello parrot” says the burglar, “so your name is Jesus,eh?...

A man came home from work one day.

His wife greeted him "Hello darling, how was your day?"
"No time for that," he replied. "Just get me a cup of tea before it starts!"

Confused, the wife hurried to make a cup of tea.
She gave him the cup. He stretched out on the sofa, and sipped the tea.

"What did you mean, 'befor...

Hide and Seek

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"


Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the b...

A dog walks into a telegraph office

It is a quiet Friday noon in New York and a young telegrapher is minding his business when the bell on the door suddenly chimes and a dog walks in.

The telegrapher looks perplexed as the dog hands him a piece of paper and says in perfect English: “Hello sir. I would like to send that to my f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...

It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.

"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.

"Fuck off!" says bloke, s...

Pickup line : hello, are you lactose intolerant?

Just wanted to make sure, my pickup line is very chessy. .


I used that once...she laughed...her husband laughed i walked away...true story btw

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hello, my name is Tobias and i am here to fuck your daughter."

"To WHAT?!"

"To-bi-as!"

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

Hello, I'm Amanda Laurie-Anne!

Mando: Hi. Me too.

Timothy goes to a birthday party

A little boy named Timothy goes to a birthday party with his father. When he arrives, the hostess asks him, "How are you, Timmy?"

Timothy replies, "I'm good."

"I think you have the wrong word there," the host chuckles, wanting to correct his grammar.

"Eh, whatever," Timothy shru...

Me: Hello is that the Samaritans?

Her: Yes, how can I help you today?

Me: I have just won the lottery, I am dating a 19 year old model and I have just inherited a brewery...

Her: So what seems to be the problem?

Me: No problem, I just thought you might wanna hear some good news for a change

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two tampons bump in to each other in the street. Which one says hello first?

Neither. They’re both stuck up cunts

Hello everyone 27(F), single mom here !

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Hello I want to return this vacuum.

Why? Is it damaged?

No, it sucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golden toilet

One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home.
''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door.
''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even gold toilets,'' replie...

Hello people of reddit. We have started a fundraiser for abused children. If only we can raise 500 dollars,

We can buy their silence.....

Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?"

Student: "My father fell into a pit"


Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"


Student: "I think so, he stopped calling for help today."

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before...

Me: Hello Doctor, My wife has just gone into labour

**Doctor:** Ok Don't panic, is this her first child?

**Me:** No, this is her husband.

phone call

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

Hello welcome to today’s Communist marathon...

On your Marx....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fucked your mom

Person A: \*Answers the phone\* "Hello!"

Person B: "I fucked your mom"

Person A: "Dad! That's the third time this day"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Murder at 1600

A man calls home to tell his wife that he’ll be late because he will be in a meeting until late.

Ring ring..

Maid: Hello

Man: Hello this is John, can you please ask your Madam to talk to me right now?

Maid: uh Sir, unfortunately she can’t right now. Can i ask her to call...

Little Johnny

An insurance officer comes to a farm and meets Little Johnny and asks,

"Hello, are your parents home by any chance?"

Little Johnny: "My parents were run over by the tractor ..."

Insurance officer: "Really? That's awful! Are your siblings at home?"

Little Johnny: "Run ...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, ...

The american spy

Once upon a time, an american spy who was in Russia, after a long career and for unknown reasons he decided he wants to surrender. He goes to the police, in the front office and he says

-Hello, I'm an american spy and I would like to surrender

-Well sir, do you have a gun?

-yes...

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.

The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.


The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.


The next date shows u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

92 year old Jim takes his pet duck to the vet.

Vet says, Hello Jim good to see you again, what's in the box?
Jim says it's my pet duck Bob. I accidentally hit him with the lawnmower.
Vet opens the box only to see the severed head of Jim's wife bearing all of the signs you would expect from a horrible lawnmower death. He closes the box and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls to the hotel's receptionist and he says........"Hello..........

..."Hello, I'm in room 620, please send someone here immediately! I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window!!"




The receptionist says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's your personal problem"




To which the man gets an...

I'm Sure He'll Call Back.

PHONE: Ring... Ring...

ME: Hello.

CALLER: Hello. I am Annensor Rasheel from PC Tech Savers. We have detected a problem on your computer.

ME: Oh, thank you. You called just in time. My computer caught fire and I threw a glass of water on it to put it out.

Also in my ex...

Hello, God?

In an effort to combat religious bigotry, the leaders of the world's largest religions decided to show solidarity by organizing a world tour, where they would all visit each other in their respective seats of power.

The first stop on the tour was the Vatican where the Pope welcomed the group ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

Last night I woke up, startled, to a female’s voice coming from my desktop. “Hello,” it said, “It’s me.”

Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

How do chinese cats say hello?

Mi Yao
[this is my first post here be nice pls]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hello. I'd like a book by Dickens, please."



"Which one?"



"Charles."

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

Hello, I am crow. Would you like to give to charity?

Caw caw caw caw


.......


It's four good caws.

Me: Hello 911

Operator: hello what's your emergency

Me: these men won't stop laughing at me

Operator: that's annoying but it's not a crime

Me: wtf is manslaughter then

1000 Pizzas

a guy walk into the pizzaria and ask: hello, do you have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him: nope. day after he come back to the pizzaria and says: hey do you guys have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him. sorry no. 1 day after the staff makes 1000 pizza and the guy come and ask: hey. you guys have 1000 pi...

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

*Using Ouija board* “Hello is anyone there?”

*Y*

*O*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*


“Dammit this is a Soulja board”

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hello Darkness, my old friend...

OWW!! Fucking coffee table! God Dammit!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A single-man hadn't been laid in years...

He began to entertain the idea of hiring a prostitute for a steamy evening. He worked up the courage and began driving around in town until he came upon a woman of the night on a street corner.

"Hello, ma'am! Are you available for hire?" he said to her.

"I might be for the right price....

The guy who invented autocorrect dies.

Is he going to heaven or hello?

Viper

(I am not sure if this joke has been said before on this sub)

A lady was at her desk one day and receives a phone call from someone unknown. She goes ahead and picks up the phone and hears a man say,“This is the Viper, I am coming in one week.” The lady hangs up and seems pretty confused. Si...

In a a gents restroom, a man is sitting in a stall doing his business.

Suddenly the man in the next stall starts a conversation:

"Hello there!"

"Umm... Hello"

"How are you?"

"I'm uhh..fine... How about yourself?"

"I'm doing great. What are your doing right now?"

"Uhhhh..... Nothing much.... Just sitting here...."

"Shall ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prince Philip meets Diana in heaven

So Prince Philip enters the pearly gates and one of the first people he sees is Diana - whom he notoriously didn't like.

"Hello my dear, what a lovely halo you have," he says.

"Fuck off Philip, you know it's a steering wheel."

Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?

"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

"No- wait, Dracula?"

"Yes!"

"You're vampires?"

"Yes. We have pamphlets."

"Vampires have missionaries?"

"Where else would new vampires come from?"

"I assumed you bit people."

"There are many h...

A salesperson calls a home and the phone is answered by a softly spoken little girl, so quiet she’s hard to hear.

“Hello little girl, can I speak with your mommy?”
“No. She’s busy”.

“Sorry? Did you say she’s busy? Well could I speak with your daddy?”
“No. He’s busy too”.

“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes, my aunty and uncle”.
“Could I speak with one of them?”
“No. They’re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
...

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