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Angel: "Mary, you will become pregnant while remaining a virgin."

Mary: "No fucking way?!"

Angel: "Yes the no fucking way."

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is extremely pregnant.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant. The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the mother to the father.Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and ...

My doctor told me that getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.

Actually, it just changes the color of the baby.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?

She's having a baby in the spring.

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What's similar between a pregnant 15 year old girl and the fetus inside of her?

They're both thinking; "oh shit my mom's gonna kill me"

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman’s doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

“What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is...

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls.

I told her that I wanted to name the first one Kate. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. I answered Duplicate.

Why can’t witches get pregnant?

Because their husbands have hollow weenies.

Did you know pregnant horses run faster?

They have two horsepower.

What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman

You can unscrew a light bulb ;)

My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.


So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

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What do a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They’re both thinking “oh fuck, mom’s gonna kill me”

I told my pregnant wife that her not letting me speak to the baby is a mean thing

she told me to stop doing it while I'm going down on her

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umb...

After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

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[NSFW] A woman is pregnant with triplets...

One day whilst out walking, she is caught in the middle of a shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.

The woman eventually e...

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

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I always love good breakfast food after trying to get pregnant.

Eggs Benedict to remind myself my eggs been dicked.

I’ll see myself out.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left ha...

3 pregnant women are having lunch together when an elderly lady approaches them.........

The elderly lady says: I can predict if you will have a boy or girl......

The Brunette says OK.....Will I have a boy or girl?????

The lady says...You were on top...you will have a boy....

The Brunette yells out.....I was on top and I am having a boy.

The elderly lady goes...

Wife is pregnant, due any day.

Suddenly the contractions Start.



"Can't, won't, I'm, haven't, don't, isn't" she said.

Sometimes the contractions gets so strong, she shouts "y'all'd've"

Tension is when wife is pregnant! Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!

Horror is when both are pregnant! Tragedy is when you are not responsible for either!

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Pregnant Daughter and Mother

Daughter: Mom, I’m pregnant!
Mom: I thought I told you when a guy touches your boobs, say don’t, and when he touches your vagina, say stop.
Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out,”don’t, stop, don’t, stop.

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

Why can't Barbie get pregnant?

because Ken comes in a different box

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A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in the belly three times.

She was rushed to the hospital and was assessed. The doctor told her “each one of your babies has been shot, but the good news is that the wounds are not life threatening. And even better news where they were shot, the bullets will come out on their own.” The mother is patched up and gives birth a ...

A woman who is 3 moths pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Well it ...

Pregnant wife says to husband that she has a weird craving for snails (to eat)

Being the loving husband he is, he tells her that he’ll walk down to the shop and buy her some. He gets to the store and buys a glass jar of snails that he will cook when he gets home.

As he walks out of the shop he bumps into a very old friend that he hasnt seen in ages. They catch up and t...

Doctor told my wife "It looks like you are Pregnant"

Wife- "really, I'm pregnant?"

Doctor- "No, it just looks like you are Pregnant"

Wife- "it runs in our family"

Doctor "Nobody runs in your family"

Why don't vampires ever get women pregnant?

Because they can't come inside without an invitation

There is only one diet I can recommend while pregnant.

The body builder diet

What do a pregnant teenager and her fetus think at the same time?

"My mom is going to kill me"

A pregnant woman and her husband are reviewing the results of her ultrasound

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Wife: Start with the good news!

Doctor: Well, your son is going to be able to park wherever he wants.

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Have you heard the one about the young woman that got pregnant without having sex?

Yeah, I couldn’t grasp that concept either.

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

What do pregnant women think in the shower?

Baby Shower thoughts.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

A woman was pregnant with triplets

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
She was robbed and shot three times in the stomach. A bullet hit each child. The children were ok and the doctors thought it was more risky to try and remove the bullets than it was to leave them in.
Sixteen years later, the oldest girl came into the room cr...

What did the starving cannibals say to the pregnant lady?

fetus

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.

Boy: Why do you look so fat?

Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.

Boy: Is it a good baby?

Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.

Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Burger King didn’t put a wrapper on his Whopper.



Funny in 3rd grade, still funny now.

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

Remember back when we all used to kick pregnant women in the stomach?

You know.... back Before we were born?

My sister got pregnant with twins

They still don’t know which one’s the father

What's the best way to get an Amish girl pregnant?

Two mennonite..

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A man's wife was heavily pregnant

and had started to get a lot of weird food cravings. One afternoon she said to her husband "I'm really peckish and would love some escargot.. Can you run down to the deli and pick up some snails for me"

The man dutifully agrees and walks down to the deli and gets a box of snails. On the way b...

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

My wife would use a vibrator a lot when she was pregnant

Now my kid has a pretty bad stutter

One of my sisters got pregnant...

Which is odd since I’m the only priest in the nunnery.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

I was bullying and kicking this pregnant lady for quite some time

It was soooo awkward when she birthed me lol

A pregnant, middle-aged woman enters a phone store.

She walks to the counter, and the cashier with a smile says, "Hi! How can we help you today?"

"My phones pregnancy app has been playing up recently, and I was wondering if you could fix it."

"We'll take a look at the phone, and see what the problem is," He replies. He takes the phone i...

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank

The bank gets robbed, and she gets shot three times in the stomach. She goes to the hospital and delivers three sons, everything is fine with them.


Thirteen years go by and her first son comes running up to her shouting, "Mom, mom! I just peed out a bullet!"


She tells him, ...

There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant!! Which Male pencil is responsible?

The one without the rubber.

A pregnant woman is hit by a car

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"...

My pregnant stay at home wife asked why I work so much...

I told her “Well, somebody’s gotta fetus”.

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Every time we go on holiday the wife gets pregnant..

Fuckin’ takin’ her with us next year!

Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?

**me:** Herbert

**pregnant wife:** but what if it’s a b-

**me:** Himbert

Why did the dinosaurs girlfriend get pregnant?

Because they did it rawr.

A delivery man who couldn't get his wife pregnant said his package came in the mail

His package should have came in the female.

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

Pregnant Babysitter

A man tells his friends that his 5 year old son is a douche because he made the babysitter pregnant! Ask how?

He punctured all my Condoms with a pin.

A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant

A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant, she confronted her.





"How did this happen? I told you to take measures"





"I did took measures and went with the longest one."

Why did the woman have trouble getting pregnant?

She didn’t follow da erections.

Why was the girl amazed at her ability to get pregnant from the world's smallest man?

Because she didn't know she had it in her.

A frustrated man takes his pregnant girlfriend to a doctor

Doc I really don’t understand how this happened, she was on pills I used condom still she is pregnant

Doc: let me tell you a story. A man went to jungle carrying only an umbrella, all of a sudden a tiger appears in front of him so out of fear this man point his umbrella at tiger like a gun, ...

Wife is pregnant

Wife- *I’m pregnant*

Husband- *Hi pregnant, I’m dad*

Wife- *No, you’re not*

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

Three pregnant women: a brunette, a redhead and a blonde are sitting in a bar.

The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have."

The redhead asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived, so I will have a baby boy".

The redhead said, "If the logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was at the bottom when I concieved.

The bl...

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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A couple at the doctors and the doctor tell the woman she’s pregnant...

... the man says “there’s just no way we always use protection without fail every single time we have sex”

The doctor says, sir, let me tell you a story;
There once was a hunter who took his gun with him everywhere he went, he was never without his gun. One day he accidentally picked up h...

We've just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. With that, there comes an enormous amount of responsibility, so I've got a question to ask.

Should I fly first class or second?

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A pregnant woman was walking past the bank one day when she heard three gun shots...

The woman awoke to the sound of small voice cooing as she slowly tried to grasp her surroundings. As she awoke, laying in a hospital bed, in pain and confusion, the doctor explained that she was caught in the crossfire of an active bank robbery and was shot in the stomach 3 times. Miraculously, the...

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Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of...

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I’m having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked:

Then why did you eat him?”

A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant

Like my name, phone number, address...

I've always worried about what my future might hold, but when I got my girlfriend pregnant

my fate became a parent

A young Irish woman goes to her dad and says, "I'm pregnant"......

Quick as a flash he asks, "are you sure its yours?"

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

What do you call a blonde woman with 2 brain cells?

...pregnant!

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A pregnant woman with triplets is shot three times in the stomach during a back heist

She's rushed to hospital and had the triplets and miraculously they're born alive and well. 2 girls and a boy.

16 years later the first girl comes down the stairs one morning and exclaims, "MOM, MOM I had my period this morning and a bullet came out."

The mom consoles her daughter an...

"I just urinated on a pregnancy test," said my girlfriend. "I'm pregnant."

"Are you going to keep it?" I asked.

She said, "No, it stinks like wee."

How did people know that she was pregnant?

It became a-parent.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 2...

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the chi...

If a veterinarian says a pregnant cow needs to have an abortion...

Does that mean he's ordering a de-calf?

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A couple left the gynecologist’s office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant and they would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them.

"I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and cultur...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While in the bank a group of robbers come in and demanded everyone to hit the ground and the tellers empty the tills. When the lady couldn't get down fast enough one of the robbers panicked and shot her three times in her belly and caused her to collapse. When she woke up hours later she found the r...

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A trial in UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on hi...

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How can a black man change a republican politician's views on abortion?

Get his wife pregnant

A pastor asked his congregation for a raise...

A pastor's wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise... they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased...

...after the preacher's 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor's high pay rate. They met...

A redneck couple gets pregnant, what will they have?

Either a niece or a nephew.

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A Lady Pregnant with Triplets walks down the street

A Lady Pregnant with Triplets walks down the street and while passing a store a robber comes running out and shoots her 3 times in the stomach. She is rushed off to hospital and the doctor evaluates the situation and says the babies are fine and he opts not to operate on the kids as she could lose t...

A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the th...

What happens when P gets pregnant ?

It becomes a B.

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guy goes to the doctor ..

a guy goes to teh doctor .

doc says " well what seems to be the problem?"



guy says " its my elbow doc , its killing me !"



doc says " well a normal visit would have a $50 co-pay , but we have a new machine that can diagnose you just by peeing in a cup and the co-p...

What is the difference between a burnt cake and a pregnant woman?

If you had taken it out earlier, it wouldn’t have happened.

I managed to get my two girlfriends pregnant, so I offered to marry them both

Which was really big of me.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

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