Pregnant Jokes - 80 Hilarious Pregnant Jokes

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have .

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

A pregnant woman is hit by a car....

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,...

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

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An 18 year old Italian girl gets pregnant...

She tells her Mother that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl p...

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What does a pregnant teenager and her unborn baby have in common?

They're both thinking 'Oh , my mom is gonna kill me...'

I know this is a repost. Welcome to /r/jokes

I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant.

But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby

What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?

They all have *contractions*.

Pregnant girlfriend

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion s...

My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

Why isn’t there a pregnant barbie doll?

Because Ken came in a different box

When my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed

My address, my phone number..

Dad my girlfriends pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."

"I'm not mad, just disappointed."

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."

"Did you jus..."

"Yes."

"You're ready."

"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

There was a young pregnant woman...

...and her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

So everyday, she would gently rub her belly whilst repeating the line, "Be polite. Be polite."

But a strange thing happened.

After 9 months, the baby showed no signs of coming out.

After a year the woma...

Wife: “I’m pregnant.”

Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”

Wife: “No you’re not.”

Pregnant woman on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. And each time she switched seats, the man got increasingly am...

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew...

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

FP Edit: RIP my inbox

Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant?

Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.

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Success is like being pregnant

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you were fucked to get there

[] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

63 and pregnant

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; ...

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So this girl comes home pregnant.

Her mom's like, "What the ? How'd you get all knocked up like this? Who's the dad?"

And she's like, "Mom, you've got it all wrong, it's a school project about the miracle of life!"

Mom's like, " you betta tell me who that bump's father is!"

The daughter just cries and i...

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

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My friend told me, “I’ve got great news. My wife is pregnant.”

Me: Excellent. Do you know the ?

Him: Of course we know “the ”. How else would she get pregnant?

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.

So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

What kind of bird doesn't get pregnant?

A swallow

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

TIFU when I brought my pregnant wife home a meatball foot long instead of the teriyaki chicken she asked for

Whoops, wrong sub.

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

10 years ago I went camping at yellow stone and my wife got pregnant.

2 years later I went camping at Yellowstone and my wife got pregnant again.

After that when I went camping at Yellowstone I took my wife with me.

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why is my wife pregnant?

A man told the doctor, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had in over a year. I don’t understand it."

The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."

"What’s a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.

The doctor replied...

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."

There’s a lady 6 months pregnant with twins in a car crash..

And she goes into a coma. When she wakes up 7 months later, she’s startled and confused.

‘What happened?’ She says to the nurse

Nurse goes ‘it’s okay, your safe. You were in a car accident!’

Lady replies ‘what about my babies?’

Nurse, ‘don’t worry, you’re brothers been l...

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

Why can’t witches get pregnant

Because their husbands have hollow weenies

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying.

Edit: [deleted]. Reposts on Reddit soon.

A pregnant woman goes into a coma

A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doc...

Why do basketball players struggle to get women pregnant?

Because they dribble so much before they shoot.

“A few years back when I’ve been on vacation in the Alps, my wife got pregnant. The year after that, a vacation in the Rockies, my wife got pregnant. Two years after that, a vacation in Aruba, my wife got pregnant. And another vacation’s coming up…...” “So what are you going to do?”

“I think I’m going to have to take her with me this year, just in case.”

My wife just told me she was pregnant...

True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke:

"Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad."

Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.

Pregnant Italian lover

A married man who had an Italian lover for many years learned one day that she was pregnant. The two struck up a deal, in which she would return to Italy to give birth to their child and keep his identity secret in exchange for a large sum of money. In addition, the father would continue to provide ...

A pregnant wife told her husband

“John you may name our daughter anything you want but not Ella.”
John not paying attention asked “Why not Ella?”
The wife said “It doesn’t matter, but please I am begging you, not Ella”
The confused husband when filling out the birth certificate wrote “Nutella”

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

What do you call a pregnant woman?

A body builder

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

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why can't you get pregnant from having with a vampire?

Because they need permission to come inside

What do cannibals call pregnant women?

Kinder surprise

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

Three Pregnant Ladies

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor’s waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for their respective babies.

Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.

<...

An Italian woman is pregnant. You congratulate her. She says "Grazie". What do you say to her after that?

Prego.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

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A wife says to her husband, "I called the surgery saying I think I'm pregnant, and they said to bring in a specimen. What do they mean?"

He says "I don't know, but Mary next door has been pregnant loads of times, so why not go and ask her?"

So off she goes, and she comes back later with a fat lip, a thick ear, a nosebleed, a black eye, and half her clothing ripped to shreds, and her husband says "What in the name of Jesus, Mar...

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

28 years ago I kicked a pregnant woman for the last time.

Today's my birthday

There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant...

...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.

What is common between burned bread, drowned man and pregnant woman?

Pulled out too late!

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was...

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a do...

My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls.

I told her that I wanted to name the first one Kate. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. I answered Duplicate.

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No one who has slept on my couch has gotten pregnant.

It’s a pull out couch.

Yo mama so dumb, When the doctor told her she was pregnant,

She asked, "Is it mine?"

I once kicked a pregnant women.

I was in the womb. I'm not evil.

Mom I'm Pregnant....

-Mom I think I'm pregnant

-Are you drunk?

-How do you know?

-A mother knows everything Kevin...

How fast is a pregnant horse?

2 Horsepower

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Angel: "Mary, you will become pregnant while remaining a virgin."

Mary: "No way?!"

Angel: "Yes the no way."

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My aunt who is also a nun just got pregnant

In response to the news I just said "Holy !"

A pregnant woman enters the delivery room with her husband

The doctor tells them that a new scientific breakthrough has been achieved : A way to transfer pain felt from one person to another. "This way, you can share the pain between the two of you, if you wish." The husband and wife agree.

"Great", says the doctor. "Considering men don't come close ...

Doctors recommend not drinking while pregnant.

My mom also recommends not drinking right before getting pregnant.

My friend is trying to get pregnant by way of a sperm donor.

She's not having much luck, but I'm pulling for her.

My mother drank too much when she was pregnant with me

When I was born, I only weighed two fifths.

How can you be polite to a pregnant woman?

By including the child in the greeting.

What is exaggerated politeness?

By shaking the child´s hand too.

What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

A pregnant woman screams COULDN’T WOULDN’T SHOULDN’T CAN’T…

The Dr said “nothing to worry about, those are contractions”.

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