An Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief ...

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom has never broken. How is this possible?

Doctor: let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A l...

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A teenager got pregnant and the mom asked how it happened.

She said: "You told me that when Mike wants to unbutton my shirt and I don't have protection, I should tell him, 'Don't!'. And if he puts his hand in my pants, I should say, 'Stop!' "

The mom said, "Exactly."

Well, he was undoing the buttons, while his hand was in my pants. So I said,...

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Two pregnant women are in the hospital waiting to be induced.

One woman says to the other: "For our first child, my husband bought us a brand new car!"

The other woman says: "That's nice."

The first woman says: "For our second child, my husband bought us a new house!"

The other woman again says: "That's nice"

The first woman looking...

My girlfriend told me she’s pregnant which made me cry...

I know what it is like to grow up without a father

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

(NSFW) Why can't vampires accidentally get you pregnant?

A vampire always has to ask to come inside.

So much has changed my girlfriend told me she was pregnant

For instance my name, my address, my phone number..

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman, and a frozen beer have in common

Somewhere along the line someone forgot to pull it out

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Owning a successful business is just like telling people you’re pregnant.

Owning a successful business is just like telling people you’re pregnant.

Everybody says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got fucked before you got there. 

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Why aren't pregnant women lonely in Japan?

Because they get to hang out with all the edemames.


You want OC? That's fresh off the dome

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A pregnant woman was robbed and shot One night while out buying groceries, a pregnant woman was robbed and shot three times. She managed to survive, but the doctors were unable to remove the bullets from her body.

Even with the trauma her body sustained, she was still able to deliver a healthy set of triplets a few months later, two girls and a boy. The years went by and there was never any indication that the children were harmed by the attack, so she was eventually able to move past the whole ordeal, never ...

Why was the pregnant apple so upset?

Because her boyfriend, the banana, split.

A pregnant woman goes into a coma

When she wakes up months she is no longer pregnant, and an excited nurse told her that she had a beautiful pair of twins, a boy and a girl.

"Since you were in a coma your brother named them" the nurse said, "The girl is Denise"

The mother was happy, she liked the name Denise. "What d...

A young woman boards a packed bus and goes: "Won't someone give their seat to a pregnant woman?"

As she looks around, a young man jumps up and offers his seat: "Here, sit down!"
With a sigh, she lets herself down on the seat and says "Thank you so much!". The young man: "I'm sorry, but it's not very visible yet. How long have you been pregnant?" She answers: "For about half an hour now. My k...

Why do you never see a pregnant Barbie?

Because Ken came in a different box.

The only time it’s okay to kick a pregnant woman...

...is when it’s from the inside.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.

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My blind girlfriend got pregnant and was pissed

She didn’t see it coming

After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

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Angel: "Mary, you will become pregnant while remaining a virgin."

Mary: "No fucking way?!"

Angel: "Yes the no fucking way."

Pregnant Wife

My wife has been so moody since she became pregnant. I asked her to push harder and she began yelling and calling me names.

I said, "Let me know if you have a better way to get the car out of the mud."

Eleven girls and pregnant again

German lady had eleven children, all daughters, and all had names beginning with B - Barbara, Bertha, Bettina, Babette ... you get the idea.

Came the time to deliver her twelfth, and a couple of days after delivering another daughter, the nurse brings in a form to register the new child.
<...

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is extremely pregnant.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant. The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the mother to the father.Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and ...

A woman announced that she was pregnant. Everyone congratulated her until she said that it wasn’t a baby, but rather, a joke...

It turned out she had a pun in the oven the whole time

The doctor told my pregnant wife and I that they were going to deliver the baby.

We were hoping our child would be able to keep their liver.

Wife: “I’m pregnant.”

Me: “Hi pregnant, I’m Dad.”

Wife: “No you’re not.”

I thought with my vasectomy my wife wouldn’t be able to get pregnant.

I guess it just changes the color of the baby.

My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.


So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

“What’s the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb?”

“You can unscrew the lightbulb.”

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What's similar between a pregnant 15 year old girl and the fetus inside of her?

They're both thinking; "oh shit my mom's gonna kill me"

Why do pregnant women throw tantrums

Because they're trying to bring out their inner child

My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls.

I told her that I wanted to name the first one Kate. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. I answered Duplicate.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?

She's having a baby in the spring.

The best thing i have heard today was a pregnant women arguing with her partner

And she said “I have two brains and you have one”.

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman’s doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

“What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is...

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

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What do a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They’re both thinking “oh fuck, mom’s gonna kill me”

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

Why can’t witches get pregnant?

Because their husbands have hollow weenies.

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[NSFW] A woman is pregnant with triplets...

One day whilst out walking, she is caught in the middle of a shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.

The woman eventually e...

At first I wasn’t quite sure if my dog was pregnant, bloated, or just fat

But then it became apparent

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umb...

B is just pregnant P

D impregnated her

Did you know pregnant horses run faster?

They have two horsepower.

I told my pregnant wife that her not letting me speak to the baby is a mean thing

she told me to stop doing it while I'm going down on her

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left ha...

A good, Catholic Irish girl goes to her father and says, "Dad, I'm pregnant"

Quick as a flash he replies, "Are ye sure it's yours?!"

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I always love good breakfast food after trying to get pregnant.

Eggs Benedict to remind myself my eggs been dicked.

I’ll see myself out.

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

3 pregnant women are having lunch together when an elderly lady approaches them.........

The elderly lady says: I can predict if you will have a boy or girl......

The Brunette says OK.....Will I have a boy or girl?????

The lady says...You were on top...you will have a boy....

The Brunette yells out.....I was on top and I am having a boy.

The elderly lady goes...

A woman who is 3 moths pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Well it ...

What do a pregnant teenager and her fetus think at the same time?

"My mom is going to kill me"

Doctor told my wife "It looks like you are Pregnant"

Wife- "really, I'm pregnant?"

Doctor- "No, it just looks like you are Pregnant"

Wife- "it runs in our family"

Doctor "Nobody runs in your family"

Wife is pregnant, due any day.

Suddenly the contractions Start.



"Can't, won't, I'm, haven't, don't, isn't" she said.

Sometimes the contractions gets so strong, she shouts "y'all'd've"

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

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A man's wife was heavily pregnant

and had started to get a lot of weird food cravings. One afternoon she said to her husband "I'm really peckish and would love some escargot.. Can you run down to the deli and pick up some snails for me"

The man dutifully agrees and walks down to the deli and gets a box of snails. On the way b...

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Pregnant Daughter and Mother

Daughter: Mom, I’m pregnant!
Mom: I thought I told you when a guy touches your boobs, say don’t, and when he touches your vagina, say stop.
Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out,”don’t, stop, don’t, stop.

Pregnant wife says to husband that she has a weird craving for snails (to eat)

Being the loving husband he is, he tells her that he’ll walk down to the shop and buy her some. He gets to the store and buys a glass jar of snails that he will cook when he gets home.

As he walks out of the shop he bumps into a very old friend that he hasnt seen in ages. They catch up and t...

Tension is when wife is pregnant! Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!

Horror is when both are pregnant! Tragedy is when you are not responsible for either!

A pregnant woman and her husband are reviewing the results of her ultrasound

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Wife: Start with the good news!

Doctor: Well, your son is going to be able to park wherever he wants.

Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?

**me:** Herbert

**pregnant wife:** but what if it’s a b-

**me:** Himbert

A woman was pregnant with triplets

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
She was robbed and shot three times in the stomach. A bullet hit each child. The children were ok and the doctors thought it was more risky to try and remove the bullets than it was to leave them in.
Sixteen years later, the oldest girl came into the room cr...

What do pregnant women think in the shower?

Baby Shower thoughts.

A pregnant woman is hit by a car

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"...

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.

Boy: Why do you look so fat?

Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.

Boy: Is it a good baby?

Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.

Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

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Have you heard the one about the young woman that got pregnant without having sex?

Yeah, I couldn’t grasp that concept either.

There is only one diet I can recommend while pregnant.

The body builder diet

What did the starving cannibals say to the pregnant lady?

fetus

What's the best way to get an Amish girl pregnant?

Two mennonite..

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank

The bank gets robbed, and she gets shot three times in the stomach. She goes to the hospital and delivers three sons, everything is fine with them.


Thirteen years go by and her first son comes running up to her shouting, "Mom, mom! I just peed out a bullet!"


She tells him, ...

Remember back when we all used to kick pregnant women in the stomach?

You know.... back Before we were born?

One of my sisters got pregnant...

Which is odd since I’m the only priest in the nunnery.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

My sister got pregnant with twins

They still don’t know which one’s the father

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

My wife would use a vibrator a lot when she was pregnant

Now my kid has a pretty bad stutter

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

I was bullying and kicking this pregnant lady for quite some time

It was soooo awkward when she birthed me lol

Everybody got SO mad when I kicked the pregnant woman

Apparently it's only cool when the baby does it.

A pregnant, middle-aged woman enters a phone store.

She walks to the counter, and the cashier with a smile says, "Hi! How can we help you today?"

"My phones pregnancy app has been playing up recently, and I was wondering if you could fix it."

"We'll take a look at the phone, and see what the problem is," He replies. He takes the phone i...

Why did the dinosaurs girlfriend get pregnant?

Because they did it rawr.

A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant

A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant, she confronted her.





"How did this happen? I told you to take measures"





"I did took measures and went with the longest one."

A delivery man who couldn't get his wife pregnant said his package came in the mail

His package should have came in the female.

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Every time we go on holiday the wife gets pregnant..

Fuckin’ takin’ her with us next year!

A frustrated man takes his pregnant girlfriend to a doctor

Doc I really don’t understand how this happened, she was on pills I used condom still she is pregnant

Doc: let me tell you a story. A man went to jungle carrying only an umbrella, all of a sudden a tiger appears in front of him so out of fear this man point his umbrella at tiger like a gun, ...

My pregnant stay at home wife asked why I work so much...

I told her “Well, somebody’s gotta fetus”.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of...

Pregnant Babysitter

A man tells his friends that his 5 year old son is a douche because he made the babysitter pregnant! Ask how?

He punctured all my Condoms with a pin.

Why was the girl amazed at her ability to get pregnant from the world's smallest man?

Because she didn't know she had it in her.

Why did the woman have trouble getting pregnant?

She didn’t follow da erections.

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Sherry. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Sherry a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I do...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

You know the fool-proof method to get your girl pregnant right?

Wait until the perfect Friday night and treat her real fine. I’m talking start with chocolate, flowers, the works. Dress in y’alls Sunday best and go to the best Italian place in town. Wine her and dine her then take her home. Take it slow but start getting her real hot. I’m talking wet enough to dr...

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A couple at the doctors and the doctor tell the woman she’s pregnant...

... the man says “there’s just no way we always use protection without fail every single time we have sex”

The doctor says, sir, let me tell you a story;
There once was a hunter who took his gun with him everywhere he went, he was never without his gun. One day he accidentally picked up h...

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A pregnant woman was walking past the bank one day when she heard three gun shots...

The woman awoke to the sound of small voice cooing as she slowly tried to grasp her surroundings. As she awoke, laying in a hospital bed, in pain and confusion, the doctor explained that she was caught in the crossfire of an active bank robbery and was shot in the stomach 3 times. Miraculously, the...

Three pregnant women: a brunette, a redhead and a blonde are sitting in a bar.

The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have."

The redhead asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived, so I will have a baby boy".

The redhead said, "If the logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was at the bottom when I concieved.

The bl...

What kind of horse is the fastest?

>! A pregnant one, because it has 2 horsepower !<

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What's the Same About a Pregnant Woman and the US Response to COVID-19.

You can't unfuck either one of them.

Husband: Honey, I have a big problem.

Wife: baby, don't say "I" have a problem, we're married now, we share, say "we" have a problem!


Husband: fine, 'we' got the neighbor's wife pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

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