What is a mummy's favourite genre of music?

Wrap music.

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

Scans of a newly discovered sarcophagus have revealed that the mummy inside was coated in nuts and chocolate

It’s believed to have been body of Pharaoh Roche.

The skeleton asks the mummy

"What music do you listen to?"

The mummy replies, "wrap".

Mummy, Mummy, I hate daddy's guts

Then push them to the side of your plate!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

What do you call a mummy with an erection?

Petrified wood

When your kid say “no I don’t want dad i want mummy....

It’s the first step to “I want to speak to the manager”

They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts

The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher

Egyptian babies didn't know that one day their daddy would become a mummy

Neither did the kardashians

I recently swapped a Sarcophagus for a bottle of Bacardi

Well they certainly gave me a rum for my mummy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mummy, how was I born?

10-years old girl asks her mum: "Mummy, how was i born?"

The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to g...

A mummy calls a restauraunt.

- Hello, I would like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird agin, jackal's head and a scarab.

Urgent news: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archologist believe it maybe Pharaoh Roche...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

I don't know why people don't like the mummy movies...

I think they get a bad wrap

What did people say when the mummy sneezed?

Curse you!

A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum

Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?

Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?

“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”

“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird

next door.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: "What's that Daddy?" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)...

Daddy: "That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound."

Son: "Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt."

A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition

They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.

...

You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.

They have a mummy-back guarantee!

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

“Mummy, Mummy, can I lick the bowl?”

“No, flush the toilet like everyone else...”

Youbg boy tells mum "I saw daddy..."

"....in the nearby park, he was parked and with a woman, I went up to the car as the windows were steamed up, I saw they were busy and they were naked and he was doing press ups like we do at school, but he was on top of the naked woman "

Mum is super mad, she quizzes the boy and with growing...

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Dave was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

Mummy, can I wear a bra now that I'm sixteen?

No, David.

I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

What's the Mummy's plan to destroy Superman?

He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.

Where did the mummy drink his espresso?

In his Sar-coffee-gus

How do you keep little cows quiet so their mummy can sleep in on Mother’s Day?

Use the Mooote function on their horns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mum, dad and their son go to the zoo. When they get to the elephants, one walks over in their direction. The son asks the mother “what’s that hanging done”. The mother says “that’s his trunk”. “No behind that” says the son. “Oh that’s nothing” replies the mother.

The son then asks the dad, who says “that’s the elephant’s penis, son”. “Then why did mummy say it’s nothing?” Asks the boy. “Son, I’ve really spoiled that woman”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first night in prison, my cellmate asked if I wanted to be the Mummy or the Daddy

Thinking quickly, I said "I'll be the daddy".

"Well, in that case, Daddy's sucking Mummy's dick tonight"

A good boy asked to his mummy.....

Little Charles approached his mother and asked her "Mummy, whats a girlfriend" To which his mum replied "If you're a good boy, you will get one." Charles then asked, "What if I am a bad boy?" His mum answered "You will get many.

What's the difference between Putin and a Mummy?

One's old and lifeless, the other's cold and wifeless!

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed.

The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandad.” The father says, “Goodbye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to questio...

This mummy is sore...

It needs a Cairo-practor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mummy, what's an 'orgasm' ?

I don't know. Ask your father.

Mummy DNA shows that the ancients don’t have much in common with modern Egyptians

But at least they have Tutankhamun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mummy mummy... why do I keep going round in circles?

Shut the fuck up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Mothers on Facebook. Full time mummy is not a job.

Only Tutankhamun can claim that...

A mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon are watching TV...

When the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the baby balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, baby balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom.

As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom a...

What Is An Alcoholic?

Child: Mum! What is an alcoholic?

Mum: Well, you see the two birds over there. An alcoholic would see four.

Child: Mummy, there is only one bird over there.

A mummy was found in Egypt.

The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did you find out?"
"He confessed," the advisor said.

What did baby corn say to mummy corn?

Where's popcorn?

.....Sorry.....I know this joke is corny.....

Did you hear about the mummy that reached the top 10 with his new album?

People say it's cause he has the tightest wraps

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked Timmy why he has a cat in school.

Timmy, while crying, said," Because I heard my daddy say to my mummy "I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave", so I'm saving him."

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

What did the mummy say when he was discovered?

“I’ve been seeing an archeologist lately, I think she really digs me!!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was gonna fuck this Egyptian chick,..

But she was on her pyramid, so I fucked her mummy instead.

3 balloons: Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon

Daddy balloon says to baby balloon:

"Look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed."

Baby balloon protests: "I like sleeping with you and mommy."

"No, you are not sleeping with us and that is final!" says daddy balloon. ...

A new tomb with a mummy was discovered in Egypt

A new tomb with a mummy was discovered in Egypt, but world's experts could not decode any of the wall writings to figure out the name of the king or what dynasty he belonged too. Eventually they asked the USSR to see, if maybe they had an expert who could help. The USSR sent 4 KGB officers, who walk...

What did the mummy study in school?

Cryptography.

A security guard for the king notices a mummy in a coffin walking into the building in the security camera...

He quickly alerts the king, telling him to go to the top floor of the building to stay away from it. While the king is escorted, his guards quickly order men to deal with the mummy, who headed towards the elevator. His guards spend a good while shooting at the mummy, but after a minute, it becomes a...

Why didn't the mummy go on vacation?

He was afraid he'd relax and unwind!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo.

As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection."What's that, Mummy?" asks the child."Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?""That, son, is the elephant's penis.""Mummy...

Why did the mummy go to jail?

They got wrapped up in a pyramid scheme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid trying to catch an STD

The police pick up a young kid at 2 am, in the red light district and ask him what he's doing

"Looking for a prostitute" "Why do you want to find a prostitute?" "So I can catch an STD!" "Why would you want to do that?"

"Well, if I can catch something, I'll sleep with my nanny and she'l...

Mummy with Uncle Paul

A young daughter is at home when her father calls. The daughter picks up.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

A brief pause. "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Mummy says ...

It seems I passed my mummy embalming exam...

It was a no brainer!

Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try

Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.


"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."


"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."

Johnny then frowned.


"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"

Blondes and a Mummy

Two blondes are looking at an Egyptian mummy.

Blonde 1 : look so many bandages ! Must have been a car accident.

Blonde 2 : yeah ! They have give the license plate number as well , BC 1760

What do you call a mummy on a horse?

A knight in Charmin armor.

Why did the mummy cry himself to sleep every night?

Because he was empty inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to prison...

He's led to his cell, enters the door which is then locked behind him. A big bruiser of man sits on his bed with a menacing grin on his face.
"In this cell we play a game called Mummies and Daddies... Do you want to be Mummy or Daddy?" asks the big guy.
"I'll be Daddy" replies the newby.
"O...

A baby was born...

A baby was born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa” and the next day the Grandpa suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough th...

Baby Balloon

Baby balloon wants to get into mummy and daddy's bed.
Daddy says: No, son. You're too big and you've got your own bed, now off you go.

Baby balloon waits till mummy and daddy balloon are asleep and sneaks into bed beside them.
At first, there isn't much room, so he squeezes a bit of air...

Quasimodo's mother returns from grocery shopping with, among the groceries, a large steel wok.

"Oh, mummy, this is wonderful," says Quasimodo. "I just love Chinese food!"

"It's not for cooking," says his mother, "it's for ironing your shirts."

Am I people?

Baby chick: Mummy, Mummy, am I people?

Mother hen: No dear, you are chicken.

BC: Mummy, Mummy, was I born?

MH: No dear, you were laid.

BC: Mummy, Mummy, do people get laid?

MH: Some do, and some are chicken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
...

My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.

The joke.
Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.

Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"

Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"

Son: "Moooooooo!!!!"
Then bursts into loud laughter.

Love this kid!

Who does a pharaoh talk to when he is sad?

His Mummy.

Young Timmy asks his mother a question.

"Mummy?" begins Timmy

"Yes, Timmy?" she responds, a smile on her face.

"Why do you jump up and down on Daddy's tummy in bed at night?"

Slightly shocked, she held her composure. "Well, Timmy, it's because I'm pushing all of the air out of Daddy's tummy so that it doesn't look so ...

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