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Failure Jokes

Describe failure in two words?

I can't.

We should've known about the failure of communism

In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...

The next iPhone won't be a failure

In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.

Not everything on the Titanic was a failure

The pool is still full to this day.

CSI Alabama was a failure . . .

. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

"A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN"...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't k...

What do you call a cow that's stopped producing milk?

An udder failure.

A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery

He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

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A 35 year old virgin, fed up with constant dating failures,

goes to see his doctor, for the umpteenth time. Fed up with the constant complaints, his doctor finally relents.

"Ok ok. There's a new guy in town, from Hong Kong. Chinese. Relationship specialist. I think he's a quack but it's worth a try." Says his doc and gives him the address.

Th...

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Give an example of a business failure due to careless management

A prostitute getting pregnant

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I feel like such a failure. This weekend I promised my boys an Easter egg hunt

But the prostitute made me wear a condom.

What's the similarity of a failure and you spanking a hard ass?

You're both hitting rock bottom.

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

"Never fear failure, always embrace it."

My mom said as she released me from her hug.

Who says Fyre Festival was a failure?

Instead of entertaining thousands of people it entertained millions.

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

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Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure.

Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.

Photography at a strip club was a failure

Everyone in the photos was over-exposed

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What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?

"Your deserve butter."

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate!

A husband shows his wife a study which indicates that on the average men use fifteen thousand words a day, whereas women use thirty thousand.

The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
<...

What do a person on a diet & a Chronic failure have in common?

Loser genes.

Why was the TV show "The Bachelor" a failure in Saudi Arabia?

Episode 1, after 10 mins:

"I'll take them all..."

\- End -

I read the new iPhone was a commercial failure.

This surprised me, because I thought it was going to be a 6S.

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I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

My mom dosen't think that i am failure in Life anymore.

Now she knows.

Whenever I used to feel sad for any failure, my dad would tell me..

"Don't worry son, keep trying. Sky is the limit for you."

I will never forgive the old man for ruining my chances of becoming an astronaut.

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...

The last board game night was a complete failure

When we showed up, it turned out that our host had no Clue

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed....

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I don't lick people who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure.

*like

Fucking hell, autocorrect.

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

My life might be an economic failure

But at least I’m closer to $100 billion than Jeff Bezos

I created a Reddit competitor. It's failure was poetic, given its name:

Blue-it

My professional Hide and Seek tournament was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find.

With the US’s failure to act, I’m considering moving

I was thinking that after quarantine, I’d try Italy. I hear they’re having a lot of openings in the housing market.

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My friend, who is an autosexual, told me that he feels like a failure in life

I told him, "don't be so hard on yourself."

Failure has always turned me on...

Its just makes my erectile dysfunction way more confusing

A small plane has an engine failure over the pacific ocean.

Onboard, is the pilot, the world's strongest man, the world's smartest man, and the world's richest man.

There are only 3 parachutes available.

The pilot says to the world's richest man: You're the world's richest man, so the world needs you. Take a parachute and jump.

The pil...

TIL wooden shoe failure is responsible for multiple deaths each year in the Netherlands. The incidents are archived on this government website.

The Broken Clog Croakin' Blog

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I was late for work this morning, my boss asked me why to which I replied "I had a mechanical failure with my donkey." Perplexed my boss asked me what that had to do with getting to work.

To which i replied "I couldn't get my ass in gear"

What do you call a mind controlling failure of a phone??

A tele-pathetic

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Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.

Failure is a good thing.

I've learned at least a hundred ways to not get anywhere near the front page.

Failure is not an option

It comes bundled with your Microsoft package

What was Genghis Khan’s failure of a brother named?

Genghis Khan’t

Smartest president ever

A plane with 4 people on board suffers an engine failure. There are only three parachutes. The pilot stands up and says: „I’m Brad Pitt, my kids needs me, my fans needs me, I have to survive.“ he takes one of the parachutes and jumps out of the plane. The first passenger stands up and says: „I’m Don...

I REMEMBER WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE CARDIAC WARD FIGHTING HEART FAILURE.

Now they tell me he was in the children's ward having a stroke.

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I'm organising an event to help raise awareness of male sexual dysfunction, particularly a failure to climax.

If you can't come, let me know.

My son said, "Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and think, 'My life has been a complete failure.'?"

I said, "Not unless you're standing behind me."

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

Why was the baseball stadium in Poland a huge failure?

Pretty much anywhere you sat you were behind a Pole.

My mom told me I wasn't a failure

I appreciated the compliment so much I quit my job and moved in with her... a mother's day gift!

Her opinion changed greatly.

Why is it not a good idea to tell your parents about your failures while they are on an elevator?

It would cause them to be disappointed on many different levels.

After all my previous failures I've decided that I won't let this happen again and I will train like I've never trained before!!!

Choo! Choooooooooo!

What do you call it when a comedian falls back on childish humor simply to avoid complete failure?

Pun-ting

Doctor said I had kidney failure.

I asked "How can that be? I am an adult, I have adult knees."

The failure of my business confounds me.

It just doesn't make cents.

Some people thought the plus-size iPhone would be a failure...

but I knew eventually it would be a huge 6s

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previou...

A landlord’s lesson…

A pub landlord is struggling with the cost of living crisis. Customers are down and costs are soaring. To get his business back on track, he decides the best way forward is to host an event to draw in new customers. Noticing the cobwebs in some of the dimly lit corners of the pub, he has a stroke of...

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A tragedy at the zoo today

Due to an electrical failure, a fire broke out in the primate exhibit. The inhabiting apes, frightened, began throwing feces at zoo employees as they fought to control the blaze.

Thankfully, the fire has been extinguished but at least five zookeepers have been hospitalized with turd degree b...

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

Pill commercials nowadays be like

“After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!”

“Consult a doctor if you’re experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine”

A bodybuilder asked his doctor: "what's better, whey protein, or pea protein?"

"Weigh protein, of course!" replied the doctor. "For one thing, weighing protein isn't a potential sign of kidney failure."

A beautiful young woman is standing at the edge of a pier in New York City, debating jumping in and drowning herself

A sailor passing by sees her and yells, "Lady! Don't jump! I don't know what the problem is, but it's certainly nothing worth killing yourself over!"

She tells the sailor, "I've just been so depressed with my life. Nothing I try works and everything ends in failure. I don't see the point in g...

What do you call an unborn child that is excessively ready to accept failure?

A defetus

I think my doctor is hitting on me.

She said I had a cute liver failure.

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

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