Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.

Did you hear about the farmer who couldn’t milk cows...

He was an udder failure.

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

I REMEMBER WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE CARDIAC WARD FIGHTING HEART FAILURE.

Now they tell me he was in the children's ward having a stroke.

CSI Alabama was a failure . . .

. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.

I created a Reddit competitor. It's failure was poetic, given its name:

Blue-it

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

Not everything on the Titanic was a failure

The pool is still full to this day.

If there would be a competition for biggest failures...

I would probably fail in that competition too.

“I’m the youngest failure.”

“I’m the youngest failure”, I say.

“Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure a miscarriage is the youngest failure a person can be.”

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

Who says Fyre Festival was a failure?

Instead of entertaining thousands of people it entertained millions.

"Never fear failure, always embrace it."

My mom said as she released me from her hug.

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

We should've known about the failure of communism

In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...

After all my previous failures I've decided that I won't let this happen again and I will train like I've never trained before!!!

Choo! Choooooooooo!

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

The next iPhone won't be a failure

In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.

What was Genghis Khan’s failure of a brother named?

Genghis Khan’t

My mother dropped me as a child, but I don't think she's a failure.

It was only 9 stories and soft grass.

Failure is not an option

It comes bundled with your Microsoft package

What Is An Example Of A Failure And A Success At The Same Time?

Children

Why was the baseball stadium in Poland a huge failure?

Pretty much anywhere you sat you were behind a Pole.

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

Failure is a good thing.

I've learned at least a hundred ways to not get anywhere near the front page.

My mom told me I wasn't a failure

I appreciated the compliment so much I quit my job and moved in with her... a mother's day gift!

Her opinion changed greatly.

I read the new iPhone was a commercial failure.

This surprised me, because I thought it was going to be a 6S.

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I'm organising an event to help raise awareness of male sexual dysfunction, particularly a failure to climax.

If you can't come, let me know.

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. D...

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I don't lick people who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure.

*like

Fucking hell, autocorrect.

What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk?

A milk dud or an udder failure?

Why is it not a good idea to tell your parents about your failures while they are on an elevator?

It would cause them to be disappointed on many different levels.

The failure of my business confounds me.

It just doesn't make cents.

What do you call an unborn child that is excessively ready to accept failure?

A defetus

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The auditor goes to the synagogue

The auditor is on a fining spree; he went through his list and every business in town got fined for irregularities. He checks is list

done

done

done

not yet done

"What's that?" he thinks. He reads: synagogue. "I'll go there NOW"

The rabbi and all the adminis...

Worldwide survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "ho...

What was the cause of the musicians death? (don't know if it's been posted before)

Organ failure

Engine failure

A Boeing 747 was having trouble with the engines. The pilots called the cabin crew and asked them to prepare the cabin for an emergency landing.

After a while, the pilots call back and ask if the cabin is secure. The flight attendant replies "Yes, captain. But there are some lawyers walking...

Marvel have released their schedule for the next set of Spider Man films.

* Spider Man: Homecoming
* Spider Man 2: Far From Home
* Spider Man 3: Going Back Home Again
* Spider Man 4: Going Out Again For A Bit
* Spider Man 5: Coming Back Once More
* Spider Man 6: Leaving Again
* Spider Man 7: Aunt May is Angry Because She Wants to Know Where I Keep Going ...

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An old man goes to the IRS.

An old man goes to the IRS building to settle his debts, on entering an agent mocked the old man for his age. Out of spite, the old man bet the agent $2000 that he could bite his eye.

The agent took him up, and to his surprise the old man laughs and takes out his glass eye, then bites it.
...

-The church musician died.

-So sad, what did he die of?

-Organ failure.

If you fail once, don’t give up...

Try two more times so that you failure is statistically significant.

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

Billy the ant scientist.

Once there was a mad scientist named Billy obsessed with experimenting on ants. For the this he earned the nickname "Ant billy" Billy ant" or "that weird ant dude" or variations there of and was generally considered a laughingstock of the town.

Determined to not be such a goddamn failure anym...

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Little Timmy was in 3rd Grade

One day he went to class and as soon as he sat down, his teacher walked up to him and slammed a test on his desk. “You’re an absolute failure!” she yelled at him. Little Timmy was devastated, he’d never been yelled at like this before, but he bottled up his emotions and did his work. The class ended...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

A pilot, a boy, a rich businessman, and an old man are on a little plane.

Suddenly the plane has an engine failure, and the pilot says:

“We have to jump, but there are only three parachutes on the plane, so you guys better decide who’s going to have to sacrifice themselves!”

Then he takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The business man says:

“I’m...

My wife is divorcing me because I refused to buy her some new bras.

Her attorney calls it “failure to support”.

Sucky got hit by a car

Sucky was the family cat. He enjoyed hunting mice, birds, and even snakes on occasion as well as cuddling up to his human family. Ten years ago, a son is woken up by his mother to get ready for school, but this morning was different than the others. The mother was in tears, "Sucky got hit by a car."...

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A plane crashes on an island and three men survive...

After wandering the island for a day, they come across a group of natives. Luckily, one of the natives could speak their language, and offers the survivors a challenge.

"First, search our land and retrieve ten fruit. Return to my hut by sunset tomorrow with the fruit, and be prepared for the...

A story with a happy ending

I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig."

“Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can'...

A wise man once said that for a man to be happy, he must:

1. Find a woman who cooks well and knows how to keep the house neat and tidy.
2. Be able to exchange conversation with a woman that is at the same level as he is, intellectually speaking.
3. Be satisfied with his partner in bed.
4. Find someone who shares his dreams, visions triumphs a...

A teacher at a law school made a bet with a student that the student would pay him money once he wins his first case.

The teacher then immediately sued him for failure to pay.

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Johnny was in his high Economics class one day

The teacher asked: "Can anyone give an example of a business failure due to careless management?"


Johnny replied: "A Prostitute getting pregnant."

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Why do Nazis not like checkered flags?

Cause it reminds them of Hitlers failure to finish a race

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There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father pla...

The keyboard player in our band committed suicide...

...after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.


The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure

Knock knock

\- Who's there?


Engine


\- Engine, who?


Engine failure


A man was walking down the road...

when he saw a little box on the ground. He picked it up and opened it. Inside was a small, black seed. There was a note: If you crack me open, there's a surprise inside!

The man thought to himself, that's an interesting seed. He resolved to crack it open and find out what was inside.

W...

There was boy named Billy and he wasn't very smart

He lived with his mother in a small town. Nobody liked him because he was really stupid, least of all his school teacher who was always annoyed with him.

One day Billy's mother came to the school to learn how her son was doing. The teacher plainly told the mother that her son was a complete...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure. The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Swiss did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of t...

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A black child and his father are on an airplane

The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.


"Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passenger...

The Admiral with only one ear..

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
 
Since he wasn't physicall...

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A command Sergeant Major retires

A command Sergeant Major(CSM) retires from the military, he decides to celebrate at the local brothel. Upon entering he speaks with the attendant and asks for a room and the most beautiful woman available. He proceeds to his room with the lady, and sits down on the bed. After a few minutes the lady ...

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a sadistic king had three slaves

so he sent them out to the forest to grab 3 of any fruit they could find. They get back, and the first guy had apples. the king says "now shove em' up your ass"

he gets one up there somehow but fails to ram home the rest, upon his failure the king has him beheaded. the second guy shows up wit...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of

the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree

to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from

the current position as a result of failure to p...

Jesus and Moses return to earth for a vacation.

They are walking around a lake, and Moses says, "Well J-Naz, it has been a hot minute or two, but let's see if we can still perform miracles." Moses raises his arms, and the waters in the lake part, showing a dry pathway on the bottom of the lake.

Jesus says, "That's pretty gnarly Momo, I bet...

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Official Rules for Indoor Golf

(an oldie, but a goodie)

1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and two balls.

2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of ...

How did the unsuccessful painter die?

Art failure.

A religious woman works in an epidemiology lab...

One day, she sets up two agar plates, and swabs the first with smallpox. Remembering how dangerous her line of work is, she touches the crucifix around her neck and says a quick prayer.

She gets a new pair of gloves, then swabs some Ebola onto the other plate, but not before again tapping her...

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Three fathers are discussing their son's success.

The first one says "My son started off with very little money, but he is a genius in the stock markets, and became rich just like that! Recently he even bought a friend of his a new Ferrari."

The second one says "That's nothing! My boy started working as a cleaner in a large company, and over...

A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...

Trump asks Putin for advice

Complaining about his failures, Trump asks Putin how he's so successful. Putin responds that he surrounds himself with clever people and calls in Sergei Lavrov to ask him:

"Sergei, your parents have a child who is neither your brother nor your sister, who is it?"

Lavrov thinks for a ...

The janitor couldn't remember where he put the floor polisher

As a programmer, this isn't the first time I encountered a 'buffer allocation failure due to memory error'

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What is the difference between Donald J. Trump and the Hindenberg?

One is an exploding Nazi gas bag, whose fiery crash and destruction played out on camera; the flaming doom marked the end, not just of itself, but for all that followed in it's line. Its blaze of failure permanently seared into the collective consciousness of humanity. A disaster that would be talke...

Why didn't Jake Paul dress up for Halloween?

He didn't need a costume to go as a failure.

Overcoming the fear of parachuting.

A man always wanted to go skydiving, but was never able to gather the courage. He goes to the local airport and inquires about what is involved in the jump.

The manager explainxs the procedure to him -- “We are expert parachute packers, and have never had a failure. We take you up in the pl...

A prison decides to renovate its showers

An ageing prison facility is constantly beset by long queues for the shower area, which the managers decide to do something about because having all the prisoners together in one area outside of their cells might get nasty. So they look into the problem, and realise that, although the showers themse...

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Numbers

Me: Write these numbers down.

Brother: I don’t like numbers. They told me I will die a virgin and I am a failure. You know what the worst part is?

Me: What

Brother: The numbers don’t lie.

A lawyer had just undergone surgery

...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."

Little Known Story About Mr. and Mrs. Claus

Many years ago, Mrs. Claus had a love affair with Poseidon, God of The Sea. This affair lasted a long time and eventually led to a love child, which turned out to be a piece of sentient coral. Santa Claus found out about this child and was furious. Mrs. Claus decided to disown the child, and shamefu...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar...

...and has a few drinks. Upon leaving the man sees a large jar of money sitting at the end of the bar. Curious, he asks the bartender, "What is that large jar of money for?" The bartender replys, "It's a local bet that I have running."

He then explains that...

I apologize for this ahead of time

So there was this man who lived in Canada. He was bored of his work life, and it was Christmas time, so he decided to go on vacation, and he settled on Mexico. He went to Mexico, and after arriving to his hotel, he decided to ask the man behind the desk about tourist locations. The man told him abou...

Till death do us part...

... After a car accident involving a couple they both loose their lives. As the wife is waiting in line to get into heaven she sees her now decease hunsand making out with a younger better looking woman. In a fit if rage she turns to him "how can you do this to me Dave we have been married for almos...

My entire life I've made the effort to become the thing people said I'd never be

So I became a failure.

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