UPJOKE
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Failure Jokes

Describe failure in two words?

I can't.
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We should've known about the failure of communism

In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...
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My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...
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"Never fear failure, always embrace it."

My mom said as she released me from her hug.
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The next iPhone won't be a failure

In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.
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What do you call a cow that's stopped producing milk?

An udder failure.
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Give an example of a business failure due to careless management

A prostitute getting pregnant

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

Not everything on the Titanic was a failure

The pool is still full to this day.
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A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.
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What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate!

A husband shows his wife a study which indicates that on the average men use fifteen thousand words a day, whereas women use thirty thousand.

The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
<...
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Who says Fyre Festival was a failure?

Instead of entertaining thousands of people it entertained millions.
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I have a talent for noticing insults resulting from a failure to show someone proper respect or attention.

I'm a slightseer.
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Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.
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A 35 year old virgin, fed up with constant dating failures,

goes to see his doctor, for the umpteenth time. Fed up with the constant complaints, his doctor finally relents.

"Ok ok. There's a new guy in town, from Hong Kong. Chinese. Relationship specialist. I think he's a quack but it's worth a try." Says his doc and gives him the address.

Th...

A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery

He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...
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Photography at a strip club was a failure

Everyone in the photos was over-exposed
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I feel like such a failure. This weekend I promised my boys an Easter egg hunt

But the prostitute made me wear a condom.

What's the similarity of a failure and you spanking a hard ass?

You're both hitting rock bottom.
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What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?

"Your deserve butter."

Why was the TV show "The Bachelor" a failure in Saudi Arabia?

Episode 1, after 10 mins:

"I'll take them all..."

\- End -
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Failure is a good thing.

I've learned at least a hundred ways to not get anywhere near the front page.
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CSI Alabama was a failure . . .

. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
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funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...
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Failure is not an option

It comes bundled with your Microsoft package
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Failure has always turned me on...

Its just makes my erectile dysfunction way more confusing
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What do a person on a diet & a Chronic failure have in common?

Loser genes.
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I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

My mom dosen't think that i am failure in Life anymore.

Now she knows.
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Whenever I used to feel sad for any failure, my dad would tell me..

"Don't worry son, keep trying. Sky is the limit for you."

I will never forgive the old man for ruining my chances of becoming an astronaut.
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What was Genghis Khan’s failure of a brother named?

Genghis Khan’t
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My life might be an economic failure

But at least I’m closer to $100 billion than Jeff Bezos
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My professional Hide and Seek tournament was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find.
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A small plane has an engine failure over the pacific ocean.

Onboard, is the pilot, the world's strongest man, the world's smartest man, and the world's richest man.

There are only 3 parachutes available.

The pilot says to the world's richest man: You're the world's richest man, so the world needs you. Take a parachute and jump.

The pil...
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A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."
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What do you call a mind controlling failure of a phone??

A tele-pathetic
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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

My mom told me I wasn't a failure

I appreciated the compliment so much I quit my job and moved in with her... a mother's day gift!

Her opinion changed greatly.
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I don't lick people who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure.

*like

Fucking hell, autocorrect.

A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...
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My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...
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With the US’s failure to act, I’m considering moving

I was thinking that after quarantine, I’d try Italy. I hear they’re having a lot of openings in the housing market.
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I created a Reddit competitor. It's failure was poetic, given its name:

Blue-it
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I REMEMBER WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE CARDIAC WARD FIGHTING HEART FAILURE.

Now they tell me he was in the children's ward having a stroke.
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The failure of my business confounds me.

It just doesn't make cents.
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My friend, who is an autosexual, told me that he feels like a failure in life

I told him, "don't be so hard on yourself."

Why was the baseball stadium in Poland a huge failure?

Pretty much anywhere you sat you were behind a Pole.
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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed....
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My son said, "Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and think, 'My life has been a complete failure.'?"

I said, "Not unless you're standing behind me."
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Why is it not a good idea to tell your parents about your failures while they are on an elevator?

It would cause them to be disappointed on many different levels.
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Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".
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TIL wooden shoe failure is responsible for multiple deaths each year in the Netherlands. The incidents are archived on this government website.

The Broken Clog Croakin' Blog
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Some people thought the plus-size iPhone would be a failure...

but I knew eventually it would be a huge 6s
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I'm organising an event to help raise awareness of male sexual dysfunction, particularly a failure to climax.

If you can't come, let me know.

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Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...
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What do you call it when a vegetable suffers heart failure?

A hearti*choke*.

... :D
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Batman and Robin go out for a few drinks

Both superheroes are exhausted after a long week of non-stop crime fighting, and decide to chill for a few a hours at the local watering hole.

Robin knows his friend has been working way too hard and for long hours. So he thinks, what the heck, he can get drunk and relax. He decides to remain...

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.
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I think my doctor is hitting on me.

She said I had a cute liver failure.
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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, who will be henceforth be addressed as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, henceforth addressed as 'th...
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I was late for work this morning, my boss asked me why to which I replied "I had a mechanical failure with my donkey." Perplexed my boss asked me what that had to do with getting to work.

To which i replied "I couldn't get my ass in gear"

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A tragedy at the zoo today

Due to an electrical failure, a fire broke out in the primate exhibit. The inhabiting apes, frightened, began throwing feces at zoo employees as they fought to control the blaze.

Thankfully, the fire has been extinguished but at least five zookeepers have been hospitalized with turd degree b...

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?
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Pill commercials nowadays be like

“After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!”

“Consult a doctor if you’re experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine”
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What do you call an unborn child that is excessively ready to accept failure?

A defetus
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After all my previous failures I've decided that I won't let this happen again and I will train like I've never trained before!!!

Choo! Choooooooooo!
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Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure.

Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.

Smartest president ever

A plane with 4 people on board suffers an engine failure. There are only three parachutes. The pilot stands up and says: „I’m Brad Pitt, my kids needs me, my fans needs me, I have to survive.“ he takes one of the parachutes and jumps out of the plane. The first passenger stands up and says: „I’m Don...
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How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.
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A bodybuilder asked his doctor: "what's better, whey protein, or pea protein?"

"Weigh protein, of course!" replied the doctor. "For one thing, weighing protein isn't a potential sign of kidney failure."
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Two brokers are discussing their luck lately with the stock market.

One moans to another, 'With how bad my portfolio's been performing lately, I'd have better luck investing in my own failure!'

His companion looks to him and says 'Don't think like that. Failure is not an option.'
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I tried raising cows, but they didn’t produce any milk.

Needless to say, my venture was an udder failure.
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Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.
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To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.
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A fully loaded tractor-trailer carrying 80,000 pounds of Tylenol skidded off an icy bridge, and ended up in the mighty Mississippi.

...Resulting in river failure.
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a moth goes into a pediatrist’s office

the pediatrist asks the moth, “what seems to be the problem?”

the moth responds, “My whole life is a mess. My marriage is in shambles, my daughter married this guy who I despise and who despises me, my son is a wretched failure, which only reflects my own failures.”

Understandably conf...
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Three fathers are discussing their son's success.

The first one says "My son started off with very little money, but he is a genius in the stock markets, and became rich just like that! Recently he even bought a friend of his a new Ferrari."

The second one says "That's nothing! My boy started working as a cleaner in a large company, and over...

Russian Soldiers (long)

Two Russian comrades are having vodka after training a new set of soldiers. The first Russian asks the second "How goes training your new soldier, comrade?"


"Well, I tasked him to eliminate 50 oppressors of liberty with his rifle yesterday. He returned, bayonet bloody, but only manage...
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Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.

"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
...
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A young woman was struggling to have sex with her boyfriend.

After another night of failure, she calls her doctor to set up an appointment.

The receptionist listened to her story and says, "I can fit you in next week."

She replies, "That's what I told him, but I'd still like to talk to someone."

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