UPJOKE
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Describe failure in two words?

I can't.

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.

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I feel like such a failure. This weekend I promised my boys an Easter egg hunt

But the prostitute made me wear a condom.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn...

A lawyer woke up in the hospital after his surgery.

A lawyer woke up in the hospital after his surgery and he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a big fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

CSI Alabama was a failure . . .

. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

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What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?

"Your deserve butter."

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate!

A husband shows his wife a study which indicates that on the average men use fifteen thousand words a day, whereas women use thirty thousand.

The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
<...

We should've known about the failure of communism

In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

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Give an example of a business failure due to careless management

A prostitute getting pregnant

A beautiful young woman is standing at the edge of a pier in New York City, debating jumping in and drowning herself

A sailor passing by sees her and yells, "Lady! Don't jump! I don't know what the problem is, but it's certainly nothing worth killing yourself over!"

She tells the sailor, "I've just been so depressed with my life. Nothing I try works and everything ends in failure. I don't see the point in g...

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

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Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure.

Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.

What do a person on a diet & a Chronic failure have in common?

Loser genes.

Photography at a strip club was a failure

Everyone in the photos was over-exposed

What's the similarity of a failure and you spanking a hard ass?

You're both hitting rock bottom.

Why was the TV show "The Bachelor" a failure in Saudi Arabia?

Episode 1, after 10 mins:

"I'll take them all..."

\- End -

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform pre...

The next iPhone won't be a failure

In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.

"Never fear failure, always embrace it."

My mom said as she released me from her hug.

Not everything on the Titanic was a failure

The pool is still full to this day.

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

Who says Fyre Festival was a failure?

Instead of entertaining thousands of people it entertained millions.

Imagine NOT being a failure to your parents

Then step back into reality

If a cow doesn't produce milk...

Is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

Did you hear the one about the piano collector?

Died of multi-organ failure.

Failure has always turned me on...

Its just makes my erectile dysfunction way more confusing

My professional Hide and Seek tournament was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find.

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I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

My mom dosen't think that i am failure in Life anymore.

Now she knows.

Whenever I used to feel sad for any failure, my dad would tell me..

"Don't worry son, keep trying. Sky is the limit for you."

I will never forgive the old man for ruining my chances of becoming an astronaut.

I read the new iPhone was a commercial failure.

This surprised me, because I thought it was going to be a 6S.

My life might be an economic failure

But at least I’m closer to $100 billion than Jeff Bezos

TIL wooden shoe failure is responsible for multiple deaths each year in the Netherlands. The incidents are archived on this government website.

The Broken Clog Croakin' Blog

I tried raising cows, but they didn’t produce any milk.

Needless to say, my venture was an udder failure.

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

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My friend, who is an autosexual, told me that he feels like a failure in life

I told him, "don't be so hard on yourself."

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I was late for work this morning, my boss asked me why to which I replied "I had a mechanical failure with my donkey." Perplexed my boss asked me what that had to do with getting to work.

To which i replied "I couldn't get my ass in gear"

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Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

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I don't lick people who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure.

*like

Fucking hell, autocorrect.

With the US’s failure to act, I’m considering moving

I was thinking that after quarantine, I’d try Italy. I hear they’re having a lot of openings in the housing market.

I created a Reddit competitor. It's failure was poetic, given its name:

Blue-it

A small plane has an engine failure over the pacific ocean.

Onboard, is the pilot, the world's strongest man, the world's smartest man, and the world's richest man.

There are only 3 parachutes available.

The pilot says to the world's richest man: You're the world's richest man, so the world needs you. Take a parachute and jump.

The pil...

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

What do you call a mind controlling failure of a phone??

A tele-pathetic

What was Genghis Khan’s failure of a brother named?

Genghis Khan’t

Failure is not an option

It comes bundled with your Microsoft package

Failure is a good thing.

I've learned at least a hundred ways to not get anywhere near the front page.

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A young woman was struggling to have sex with her boyfriend.

After another night of failure, she calls her doctor to set up an appointment.

The receptionist listened to her story and says, "I can fit you in next week."

She replies, "That's what I told him, but I'd still like to talk to someone."

Canadian query

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
Shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe ...

A man who had worked for British Rail in a small village for many years decided it was time to move up in the world... [long]

Walter had been a track-switcher on the railway line that ran past his tiny English village for most of his life. All day long he sat in his little hut and switched the points as trains approached.

One day he got it into his head that it was time to move up in the world, so he wrote to Britis...

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

I REMEMBER WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE CARDIAC WARD FIGHTING HEART FAILURE.

Now they tell me he was in the children's ward having a stroke.

Why was the baseball stadium in Poland a huge failure?

Pretty much anywhere you sat you were behind a Pole.

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

Why is it not a good idea to tell your parents about your failures while they are on an elevator?

It would cause them to be disappointed on many different levels.

My son said, "Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and think, 'My life has been a complete failure.'?"

I said, "Not unless you're standing behind me."

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Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

A man in the army walks up to the General's office...

A man in the army walks up to the General's office and knocks. The General says "Come in". The man enters the office, salutes at the General, and says "Sir, I'd like you to demote me from my rank, all the soldiers make fun of me!"

"Sorry, but demotion is not something we carry out in the army...

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

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Al Gore is in the wrong line of work

Some people's names match their careers surprisingly well. Imagine a psychic named Krystal Ball or a stylist named Barbera Cutter.

But Al Gore is a failure in this regard. He had the perfect opportunity to start a math rock band in the 80s or 90s and just chose to not. It should have been fa...

After all my previous failures I've decided that I won't let this happen again and I will train like I've never trained before!!!

Choo! Choooooooooo!

My mom told me I wasn't a failure

I appreciated the compliment so much I quit my job and moved in with her... a mother's day gift!

Her opinion changed greatly.

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I'm organising an event to help raise awareness of male sexual dysfunction, particularly a failure to climax.

If you can't come, let me know.

my medium rare chicken recipe was a complete failure

I guess it was a half baked idea.

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

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My first time posting here, made up this one late night so, please be gentle with me kind stranger...

So a Cambodian guy walks into a bar,
He orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender was new to the place and hasn't seen much foreigners so confused by the customer's race he makes conversation saying.
"Hey your people are famous for their great sushi I've heard"

The guy looks...

A passenger airplane is flying over the ocean

When all of a sudden the plane experiences a violent jolt. The captain comes over the speaker and says "We have experienced engine failure, and unfortunately, there is nothing we can do. The plane is going down."

While the passengers are contemplating certain death, a woman stands up, rips o...

What do you call it when a comedian falls back on childish humor simply to avoid complete failure?

Pun-ting

A fully loaded tractor-trailer carrying 80,000 pounds of Tylenol skidded off an icy bridge, and ended up in the mighty Mississippi.

...Resulting in river failure.

According to my Asian dad their are 2 types of people

Those who get A+ on everything and failures

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

A physicist, chemist and computer scientific were traveling in a car

The car breaks down and all three of them step out and stare at the car.

The physicist says, "Probably a mechanical failure, let's look at the engine."

The chemist says, "Unlikely, the fuel is probably of a low grade which must be the culprit."

The computer scientist says, "Let'...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on th...

A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.

He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. ...

What do you call an unborn child that is excessively ready to accept failure?

A defetus

Some people thought the plus-size iPhone would be a failure...

but I knew eventually it would be a huge 6s

A 6-year-old walks into a bar...

The bartender tells says they don't serve minors as all they have are hard liquors. The child says he wants two whiskies then a malt. The bartender says that he needs to see ID. The child shows an ID from another country, claiming he is 95 years old. The bartender gives the child the ID back and ask...

a moth goes into a pediatrist’s office

the pediatrist asks the moth, “what seems to be the problem?”

the moth responds, “My whole life is a mess. My marriage is in shambles, my daughter married this guy who I despise and who despises me, my son is a wretched failure, which only reflects my own failures.”

Understandably conf...

A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...

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