Describe failure in two words?

I can't.

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

CSI Alabama was a failure . . .

. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.

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What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?

"Your deserve butter."

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

Why was the TV show "The Bachelor" a failure in Saudi Arabia?

Episode 1, after 10 mins:

"I'll take them all..."

\- End -

Photography at a strip club was a failure

Everyone in the photos was over-exposed

What's the similarity of a failure and you spanking a hard ass?

You're both hitting rock bottom.

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After years of failure Jerry finally broke the world record for the longest ejaculation. (18 feet and 9 inches)

He did what no man could that came before him

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

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A plane has engine failure and starts to go down.

A White woman jumps out of her seat and grabs her bag and starts putting on all her make-up.  When people asked what the hell she is doing. She said, "when planes crash, they find the pretty women first!"


A Mexican woman hears that and jumps out of her seat. She grabs her bag and starts p...

My life might be an economic failure

But at least I’m closer to $100 billion than Jeff Bezos

Imagine NOT being a failure to your parents

Then step back into reality

A fully loaded tractor-trailer carrying 80,000 pounds of Tylenol skidded off an icy bridge, and ended up in the mighty Mississippi.

...Resulting in river failure.

A 6-year-old walks into a bar...

The bartender tells says they don't serve minors as all they have are hard liquors. The child says he wants two whiskies then a malt. The bartender says that he needs to see ID. The child shows an ID from another country, claiming he is 95 years old. The bartender gives the child the ID back and ask...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "ho...

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My first time posting here, made up this one late night so, please be gentle with me kind stranger...

So a Cambodian guy walks into a bar,
He orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender was new to the place and hasn't seen much foreigners so confused by the customer's race he makes conversation saying.
"Hey your people are famous for their great sushi I've heard"

The guy looks...

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

We should've known about the failure of communism

In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...

My mom dosen't think that i am failure in Life anymore.

Now she knows.

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

"Never fear failure, always embrace it."

My mom said as she released me from her hug.

Failure has always turned me on...

Its just makes my erectile dysfunction way more confusing

With the US’s failure to act, I’m considering moving

I was thinking that after quarantine, I’d try Italy. I hear they’re having a lot of openings in the housing market.

My professional Hide and Seek tournament was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find.

Two brokers are discussing their luck lately with the stock market.

One moans to another, 'With how bad my portfolio's been performing lately, I'd have better luck investing in my own failure!'

His companion looks to him and says 'Don't think like that. Failure is not an option.'

TIL wooden shoe failure is responsible for multiple deaths each year in the Netherlands. The incidents are archived on this government website.

The Broken Clog Croakin' Blog

A small plane has an engine failure over the pacific ocean.

Onboard, is the pilot, the world's strongest man, the world's smartest man, and the world's richest man.

There are only 3 parachutes available.

The pilot says to the world's richest man: You're the world's richest man, so the world needs you. Take a parachute and jump.

The pil...

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I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

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My friend, who is an autosexual, told me that he feels like a failure in life

I told him, "don't be so hard on yourself."

Whenever I used to feel sad for any failure, my dad would tell me..

"Don't worry son, keep trying. Sky is the limit for you."

I will never forgive the old man for ruining my chances of becoming an astronaut.

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I was late for work this morning, my boss asked me why to which I replied "I had a mechanical failure with my donkey." Perplexed my boss asked me what that had to do with getting to work.

To which i replied "I couldn't get my ass in gear"

Who says Fyre Festival was a failure?

Instead of entertaining thousands of people it entertained millions.

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Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.

The last board game night was a complete failure

When we showed up, it turned out that our host had no Clue

I created a Reddit competitor. It's failure was poetic, given its name:

Blue-it

Not everything on the Titanic was a failure

The pool is still full to this day.

A physicist, chemist and computer scientific were traveling in a car

The car breaks down and all three of them step out and stare at the car.

The physicist says, "Probably a mechanical failure, let's look at the engine."

The chemist says, "Unlikely, the fuel is probably of a low grade which must be the culprit."

The computer scientist says, "Let'...

The next iPhone won't be a failure

In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.

I read the new iPhone was a commercial failure.

This surprised me, because I thought it was going to be a 6S.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

I REMEMBER WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE CARDIAC WARD FIGHTING HEART FAILURE.

Now they tell me he was in the children's ward having a stroke.

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

Dave, a man who's a complete failure in life is walking along a street...

When he sees a sign that says, "One step further to success", with an arrow pointing to the entrance of a tall, desolate building. Thinking he has nothing more to lose he enters the building.

He gets the first floor where there is a sign asking him to go to the topmost level. He tries to call...

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on th...

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

If there would be a competition for biggest failures...

I would probably fail in that competition too.

A lawyer wakes up after surgery

He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn. She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.

He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. ...

What do you call a cow that has gone dry?

A milk dud or a udder failure.

Marriage is like flipping a coin, there's a 50% chance of success or failure.

I'm on my third flip.

Maybe a fourth depending on if my wife burns dinner tonight or not.

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I don't lick people who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure.

*like

Fucking hell, autocorrect.

What was Genghis Khan’s failure of a brother named?

Genghis Khan’t

Failure is not an option

It comes bundled with your Microsoft package

Failure is a good thing.

I've learned at least a hundred ways to not get anywhere near the front page.

After all my previous failures I've decided that I won't let this happen again and I will train like I've never trained before!!!

Choo! Choooooooooo!

Why was the baseball stadium in Poland a huge failure?

Pretty much anywhere you sat you were behind a Pole.

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The Unlucky Wife

A very religious 30 year-old Catholic virgin who profusely protested using birth control, wanted a large family. She finally finds the perfect man who accepts and whole-heartedly agrees with her religious values. They marry 3 months later and are overjoyed to be blessed with healthy triplets. Sad...

My mom told me I wasn't a failure

I appreciated the compliment so much I quit my job and moved in with her... a mother's day gift!

Her opinion changed greatly.

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I'm organising an event to help raise awareness of male sexual dysfunction, particularly a failure to climax.

If you can't come, let me know.

Why is it not a good idea to tell your parents about your failures while they are on an elevator?

It would cause them to be disappointed on many different levels.

My son said, "Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and think, 'My life has been a complete failure.'?"

I said, "Not unless you're standing behind me."

my medium rare chicken recipe was a complete failure

I guess it was a half baked idea.

What did the Pope say to the heretic who successfully lobbied to be buried on hallowed ground?

"What we have here is a failure to excommunicate!"

Some people thought the plus-size iPhone would be a failure...

but I knew eventually it would be a huge 6s

Doctor said I had kidney failure.

I asked "How can that be? I am an adult, I have adult knees."

a moth goes into a pediatrist’s office

the pediatrist asks the moth, “what seems to be the problem?”

the moth responds, “My whole life is a mess. My marriage is in shambles, my daughter married this guy who I despise and who despises me, my son is a wretched failure, which only reflects my own failures.”

Understandably conf...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

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I'm so patriotic I piss red, white, and blue!

The doctor told me things like, "that's liver failure," and, "you're going to die if you don't go to a hospital," but I told him to shut his Commie mouth.

The Invisible Man has a warrant out for his arrest.

The charge is "Failure to appear".

What do you call an unborn child that is excessively ready to accept failure?

A defetus

What do you call it when a vegetable suffers heart failure?

A hearti*choke*.

... :D

Hey, is your name Corona?

Because you put the cute, in acute respiratory failure

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

All causes of death are...

...liver failure

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

A wise man once said that for a man to be happy, he must:

1. Find a woman who cooks well and knows how to keep the house neat and tidy.
2. Be able to exchange conversation with a woman that is at the same level as he is, intellectually speaking.
3. Be satisfied with his partner in bed.
4. Find someone who shares his dreams, visions triumphs a...

Russian Soldiers (long)

Two Russian comrades are having vodka after training a new set of soldiers. The first Russian asks the second "How goes training your new soldier, comrade?"


"Well, I tasked him to eliminate 50 oppressors of liberty with his rifle yesterday. He returned, bayonet bloody, but only manage...

Did you hear about the washed-up gambler who drank himself to death?

He died of Reno failure.

We had to say goodbye to the church choir last Sunday.

It was due to unforeseen organ failure.

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