Whenever I used to feel sad for any failure, my dad would tell me..

"Don't worry son, keep trying. Sky is the limit for you."

I will never forgive the old man for ruining my chances of becoming an astronaut.

The last board game night was a complete failure

When we showed up, it turned out that our host had no Clue

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My friend, who is an autosexual, told me that he feels like a failure in life

I told him, "don't be so hard on yourself."

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I was late for work this morning, my boss asked me why to which I replied "I had a mechanical failure with my donkey." Perplexed my boss asked me what that had to do with getting to work.

To which i replied "I couldn't get my ass in gear"

CSI Alabama was a failure . . .

. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.

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I told my friend a joke about kidney failure

He pissed himself laughing

Last week, I witnessed a police officer put handcuffs on a criminal who was suffering from a heart failure.

Now that's what I call a Cardiac arrest.

Who says Fyre Festival was a failure?

Instead of entertaining thousands of people it entertained millions.

I REMEMBER WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE CARDIAC WARD FIGHTING HEART FAILURE.

Now they tell me he was in the children's ward having a stroke.

People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure

It's like they have no filter

I created a Reddit competitor. It's failure was poetic, given its name:

Blue-it

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Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.

Did you hear about the farmer who couldn’t milk cows...

He was an udder failure.

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

Not everything on the Titanic was a failure

The pool is still full to this day.

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

If there would be a competition for biggest failures...

I would probably fail in that competition too.

Why was the business dinner at the Indian restaurant a failure?

Because they had a naan starter.

What Is An Example Of A Failure And A Success At The Same Time?

Children

We should've known about the failure of communism

In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...

"Never fear failure, always embrace it."

My mom said as she released me from her hug.

Marriage is like flipping a coin, there's a 50% chance of success or failure.

I'm on my third flip.

Maybe a fourth depending on if my wife burns dinner tonight or not.

Why did the little boy think that his father had kidney failure?

His father said, "You're in trouble".

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

After all my previous failures I've decided that I won't let this happen again and I will train like I've never trained before!!!

Choo! Choooooooooo!

What was Genghis Khan’s failure of a brother named?

Genghis Khan’t

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

Failure is not an option

It comes bundled with your Microsoft package

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I don't lick people who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure.

*like

Fucking hell, autocorrect.

The next iPhone won't be a failure

In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.

Failure is a good thing.

I've learned at least a hundred ways to not get anywhere near the front page.

My mom told me I wasn't a failure

I appreciated the compliment so much I quit my job and moved in with her... a mother's day gift!

Her opinion changed greatly.

I read the new iPhone was a commercial failure.

This surprised me, because I thought it was going to be a 6S.

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I'm organising an event to help raise awareness of male sexual dysfunction, particularly a failure to climax.

If you can't come, let me know.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

Oldie

The UN organised a 30 minutes meeting where they asked one question to all attendees:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

It was a huge failure.

The Africans didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern...

Why is it not a good idea to tell your parents about your failures while they are on an elevator?

It would cause them to be disappointed on many different levels.

Why was the baseball stadium in Poland a huge failure?

Pretty much anywhere you sat you were behind a Pole.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent ...

We had to say goodbye to the church choir last Sunday.

It was due to unforeseen organ failure.

The failure of my business confounds me.

It just doesn't make cents.

a moth goes into a pediatrist’s office

the pediatrist asks the moth, “what seems to be the problem?”

the moth responds, “My whole life is a mess. My marriage is in shambles, my daughter married this guy who I despise and who despises me, my son is a wretched failure, which only reflects my own failures.”

Understandably conf...

What do you call an unborn child that is excessively ready to accept failure?

A defetus

Doctor said I had kidney failure.

I asked "How can that be? I am an adult, I have adult knees."

Some people thought the plus-size iPhone would be a failure...

but I knew eventually it would be a huge 6s

All causes of death are...

...liver failure

Marvel have released their schedule for the next set of Spider Man films.

* Spider Man: Homecoming
* Spider Man 2: Far From Home
* Spider Man 3: Going Back Home Again
* Spider Man 4: Going Out Again For A Bit
* Spider Man 5: Coming Back Once More
* Spider Man 6: Leaving Again
* Spider Man 7: Aunt May is Angry Because She Wants to Know Where I Keep Going ...

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The auditor goes to the synagogue

The auditor is on a fining spree; he went through his list and every business in town got fined for irregularities. He checks is list

done

done

done

not yet done

"What's that?" he thinks. He reads: synagogue. "I'll go there NOW"

The rabbi and all the adminis...

What was the cause of the musicians death? (don't know if it's been posted before)

Organ failure

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

-The church musician died.

-So sad, what did he die of?

-Organ failure.

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

If you fail once, don’t give up...

Try two more times so that you failure is statistically significant.

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An old man goes to the IRS.

An old man goes to the IRS building to settle his debts, on entering an agent mocked the old man for his age. Out of spite, the old man bet the agent $2000 that he could bite his eye.

The agent took him up, and to his surprise the old man laughs and takes out his glass eye, then bites it.
...

Billy the ant scientist.

Once there was a mad scientist named Billy obsessed with experimenting on ants. For the this he earned the nickname "Ant billy" Billy ant" or "that weird ant dude" or variations there of and was generally considered a laughingstock of the town.

Determined to not be such a goddamn failure anym...

A pilot, a boy, a rich businessman, and an old man are on a little plane.

Suddenly the plane has an engine failure, and the pilot says:

“We have to jump, but there are only three parachutes on the plane, so you guys better decide who’s going to have to sacrifice themselves!”

Then he takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The business man says:

“I’m...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

A story with a happy ending

I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig."

“Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can'...

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Why do Nazis not like checkered flags?

Cause it reminds them of Hitlers failure to finish a race

A wise man once said that for a man to be happy, he must:

1. Find a woman who cooks well and knows how to keep the house neat and tidy.
2. Be able to exchange conversation with a woman that is at the same level as he is, intellectually speaking.
3. Be satisfied with his partner in bed.
4. Find someone who shares his dreams, visions triumphs a...

My wife is divorcing me because I refused to buy her some new bras.

Her attorney calls it “failure to support”.

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A plane crashes on an island and three men survive...

After wandering the island for a day, they come across a group of natives. Luckily, one of the natives could speak their language, and offers the survivors a challenge.

"First, search our land and retrieve ten fruit. Return to my hut by sunset tomorrow with the fruit, and be prepared for the...

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Little Timmy was in 3rd Grade

One day he went to class and as soon as he sat down, his teacher walked up to him and slammed a test on his desk. “You’re an absolute failure!” she yelled at him. Little Timmy was devastated, he’d never been yelled at like this before, but he bottled up his emotions and did his work. The class ended...

Sucky got hit by a car

Sucky was the family cat. He enjoyed hunting mice, birds, and even snakes on occasion as well as cuddling up to his human family. Ten years ago, a son is woken up by his mother to get ready for school, but this morning was different than the others. The mother was in tears, "Sucky got hit by a car."...

I bought a cow last week...

The old farmer who sold her to disclosed that only 3 out of the 6 teats produced milk. I brought home and went to milking only to find that he lied and not a single teat produced milk! It was an udder failure.

The keyboard player in our band committed suicide...

...after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.


The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure

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Johnny was in his high Economics class one day

The teacher asked: "Can anyone give an example of a business failure due to careless management?"


Johnny replied: "A Prostitute getting pregnant."

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There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father pla...

A teacher at a law school made a bet with a student that the student would pay him money once he wins his first case.

The teacher then immediately sued him for failure to pay.

Knock knock

\- Who's there?


Engine


\- Engine, who?


Engine failure


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A command Sergeant Major retires

A command Sergeant Major(CSM) retires from the military, he decides to celebrate at the local brothel. Upon entering he speaks with the attendant and asks for a room and the most beautiful woman available. He proceeds to his room with the lady, and sits down on the bed. After a few minutes the lady ...

There was boy named Billy and he wasn't very smart

He lived with his mother in a small town. Nobody liked him because he was really stupid, least of all his school teacher who was always annoyed with him.

One day Billy's mother came to the school to learn how her son was doing. The teacher plainly told the mother that her son was a complete...

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Official Rules for Indoor Golf

(an oldie, but a goodie)

1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and two balls.

2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of ...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure. The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Swiss did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of t...

Jesus and Moses return to earth for a vacation.

They are walking around a lake, and Moses says, "Well J-Naz, it has been a hot minute or two, but let's see if we can still perform miracles." Moses raises his arms, and the waters in the lake part, showing a dry pathway on the bottom of the lake.

Jesus says, "That's pretty gnarly Momo, I bet...

A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...

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Three fathers are discussing their son's success.

The first one says "My son started off with very little money, but he is a genius in the stock markets, and became rich just like that! Recently he even bought a friend of his a new Ferrari."

The second one says "That's nothing! My boy started working as a cleaner in a large company, and over...

A religious woman works in an epidemiology lab...

One day, she sets up two agar plates, and swabs the first with smallpox. Remembering how dangerous her line of work is, she touches the crucifix around her neck and says a quick prayer.

She gets a new pair of gloves, then swabs some Ebola onto the other plate, but not before again tapping her...

The Admiral with only one ear..

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
 
Since he wasn't physicall...

How did the unsuccessful painter die?

Art failure.

The janitor couldn't remember where he put the floor polisher

As a programmer, this isn't the first time I encountered a 'buffer allocation failure due to memory error'

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What is the difference between Donald J. Trump and the Hindenberg?

One is an exploding Nazi gas bag, whose fiery crash and destruction played out on camera; the flaming doom marked the end, not just of itself, but for all that followed in it's line. Its blaze of failure permanently seared into the collective consciousness of humanity. A disaster that would be talke...

Why didn't Jake Paul dress up for Halloween?

He didn't need a costume to go as a failure.

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Numbers

Me: Write these numbers down.

Brother: I don’t like numbers. They told me I will die a virgin and I am a failure. You know what the worst part is?

Me: What

Brother: The numbers don’t lie.

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