This priest decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An...

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

Why did the moon skip dinner?

It was full.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

Recently I got invited to a nudist dinner party but I had to skip it

I had nothing to wear

What's the meal that the people at NASA usually skip?

Launch.

It looks like we skipped 2021

And went straight to 2020-2

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The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.

I wish Tinder had it too.

I always skip the gym the first week of the new year

I can’t deal with the crowds.

I also skip weeks 2 - 52 of the new year but still looking for an excuse for those.

Texas sounds like an interesting place

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in th...

Four students decide to skip an exam

Four students were attending law college and were quite used to cheating and exploiting to get better grades. Their final exam was due tomorrow and they wanted to get some extra time to hopefully enhance their grades.

The plan was simple: don’t show up tomorrow, spend the whole day learning ...

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?"

The blonde nods. "But, I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.

He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts “Free shots for the bar! On that man over there!” And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can’t see.

The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouri...

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

An Irish man goes to the Doctor,

Who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart but I think if you take some tablets you’ll be okay“, So the doctor gives him some tablets and the man asks “Do I have to take them every day?

“No“, “take one on Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thu...

Why did the sad geologist skip his lunch break?

Because he lost his apatite.

I used to think skipping to the ends of stories would save time...

...but then I learned to stop jumping to conclusions.

I kinda thought about skipping NNN, but you know...

... why nut.

Why are americans bad at geography?

Because the ones that skipped class survived

Some guy called peter managed to jump a skipping rope over 12,000 times in an hour

Really, it’s a world record, we looked it up

People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?

Because they don't even Lyft.

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One of the first steps toward becoming a man...

One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.

"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine s...

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Little Johnny is really smart

He was in elementary school but should skip a few classes and gets tested. He comes in front of the principal and his teacher asks him

T: Johnny, what does the cow have four of, and the woman has 2?

J: Legs!

T: Good. And where do women have curly hair?

J: Africa!

T...

What do you call a quadriplegic tied to the back of a moving boat?

Skip

Frank, Ron, and Steve, all avid golfers, die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates…

Saint Peter says “Behind these gates is the most beautiful golf course you could ever imagine, all you need is a set of clubs.”

Saint Peter turns to Frank and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your spouse?” Frank, ashamed of himself, answers “About a dozen times.”

“Tsk tsk” mumbl...

What do you call an American kid who skipped school?

Alive.

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Stone skipping

Three boys were sent to the headmaster’s office.

“What have you been up to?” the headmaster asked the first one in his sternest voice.

“I played ‘Stone Skipping’ by the pond,” he answered.

“Stone skipping? I see nothing wrong with that, I did that a lot when I was young too. Ju...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

Why did the two 4's skip lunch?

They already 8

You know that feeling when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Yeah, that’s arrhythmia.
You can die from that.

Little Johnny is on recess playing on the playground when he see his dad drive into the woods next to the school.

Curious as to what his dad's doing, little Johnny decided to skip school to see what was going on.

When he gets to the woods he finds his dad there with his aunt Jenny. Well aunt Jenny is on her knees helping Johnny's dad relieve himself.

After school little Johnny runs home to tell ...

Native American name - a true story

25 years ago, I worked with a guy named Kee Smith (last name changed here... this is really a real story). Kee was sort of a crunchy granola type of European ancestry. Eventually, he told the story about his unusual name.

He said he was born on a reservation, and he was placed in a bassinet...

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One day a man is feeling depressed and goes to his therapist for advice.

"I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like living anymore." he said.

The therapist responded brightly. "Well I know just the trick for that. You need to be more sexually active." The man looks at him, confused. "What especially works for me is banging my wife two to three times a week....

Did you hear the joke about the fence?

Yeah we can skip over that one.

A loyal employee, Skip, was bragging that he knew almost anyone in the world personally

Naturally, his boss took him up on the offer. He took him to a Chicago Bulls game, and walking into the tunnel, Michael Jordan recognized him and said "what's up Skip?". His boss naturally was impressed. So he took it a step further and went to the White House. President Bush immediately recognized ...

I once had to skip class because I had hypothermia.

I was too cool for school.

I ordered Door Dash tonight. When the guy got to my house he skipped to the door.

Looks like my Dasher is more like a Prancer.

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I always skip to the end whenever I watch new porn for the first time.

I don’t like getting involved with a story unless I know it has a happy ending.

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

Why did LeBron James skip college?

He didn't want to show up for finals.

What do you call a dinosaur that never skips chest day?

Tyranno-Sorest Pecs

...I’ll show myself out

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

Teenagers at the climate strikes didn’t skip school because they’re insane or delusional

They’re just having a mid-life crisis

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Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit d...

Why did the dice skip on having fun with the balls?

Because it wanted to stay edgy.

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants,...

skipping church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.

As soon as the Associate ...

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I taught my nephew to skip the first "H" whenever he reads/pronounce English words

E.g honest, hour, honour. Later that day i told him to *heat* my food in the microwave. I almost killed that bastard.

“Doctor!! I told you, I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat. Why do you keep calling me a liar!?”

Doctor: “Sir I’ll say it again, that’s A- Fib.”

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road

... when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away further down the road.

Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a treestump. "My what big ears ...

Every Christmas Santa seems to skip Indonesia

He just gives them a big wave.

A man who was worried about his weight went to his doctor. The doctor said to eat normally for two days and then skip one.

When they next meet;

Doctor: Did my advice work?

Man: Yes, I lost twenty pounds!

The doctor was amazed. He asked the man how how he lost that much.

Man: Well, I was just about dead at the end.

Doctor: Because you were hungry?

Man: No, because of all the skip...

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Skipping Grade School

A man in his mid-40’s was walking down the street on a school day and noticed a young boy, about 9 yrs old, sitting on a porch eating a huge bag of candy.

Concerned that boy was alone, out of school, and gorging himself on candy, the man approached an asked “Shouldn’t you be in school instea...

2 college friends skip studying for Chemistry final to party

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the ...

A girl came skipping home from school one day...

"Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10! See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good." said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde." her mother replied....

Why did we skip windows 9?

Because 7 8 9












I'm so sorry

Grandpa looks at his grandson and says, "Go hide! Your teacher is here because you skipped school today."

The grandson says, "No, you go hide. I told her you were dead!"

People always ask me how I got into Harvard at the age of 16, after skipping two grades.

Honestly I think the janitor just left the door open or something.

Why did the priest skip Thanksgiving leftovers?

He decided to quit cold turkey.

one possitive thing about skipping school in america

not getting shot

A Priest decides to skip mass in order to go golfing

He knows this is wrong, but he figures it's okay. He's performed mass for 30 years, and has been looking forward to golfing for ages. The weather is only good during mass hours, so he figures he deserves it, right? Another priest fills in as he claims he's sick.

As he is driving to the golf ...

You know that phrase "Kill two birds with one stone"?

I now hold the world record for aerial rock skipping.

Women are like stones

You can skip the flat ones

My plan was to skip shoveling and just let the snow melt.

It wasnt well thawed out.

Why did the burglar skip the kitchen?

He didn't want to take any whisks.

Did ya hear the one about the three brothers “Hop, Skip and Jump” ?

They were very close

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Tom and Yuu's love story

Tom Wake and Yuu Watanabe met in Japan while Tom was on a business trip. Ironically, Tom didn't want to take the job, but he was the only one fluent in Japanese, so he reluctantly went on the trip. Usually, deals like these took place over video conferences, but the company's client insisted on meet...

Why don't cows skip leg day?

To keep their calves in shape

Little Johnny skipped school one day...

and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny repli...

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

My ex would always skip a letter when reciting the alphabet...

She never said y

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Lebron James must skip leg day

His cavs can't do shit

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New shop in town

Two businessmen in the centre of town were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're ...

Two overweight women are sitting at a bar. After a few drinks they get loud and start to irritate the guests around them.

A man sitting close to them attempts to engage them in a conversation, hoping that a more conversational tone will get them to calm down.

“Excuse me”, says the man “I couldn’t help but notice your accents....are you ladies from Scotland”?

Without skipping a beat one of the ladies rudel...

A Blonde girl is going door to door trying to earn money for college.

She comes to one guy's house and rings the doorbell.

"Yes?" the man answers.

"Hi there!" greets the blonde happily. "I'm trying to earn money for college. Do you have any jobs around the house you need done?"

The guy smiles. "Sorry, sweetheart, not really. I was gonna paint th...

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