UPJOKE
jumpspringmisshopboundleapbouncericochetreboundomitcutskimskitterhop-skipneglect

Don't complain about Microsoft skipping Windows 9.

They've never been able to count. They came out with Microsoft DOS without ever releasing Microsoft UNO.

Why did two 4's skip dinner?

...because they already 8!

I Skipped Aquaman 2

I heard it stinks.

Why did Johnny Depp skip getting a booster shot?

Because he now has “Heard immunity”.

A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.


“What?...

Skip a day

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. " When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing! ...

This priest decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An...

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Skipping First Grade

in 1970, a kindergartner was talking to his mother (the principal) and his father (a foreman at a local oil refinery) and proudly proclaimed that he was too smart for first grade and should be advanced into second grade in the next school year. The mother thought about this for a while and decided ...

Why did the sun skip the University?

Because, it already has a million degrees!

Naming the COVID-19 variants, the WHO skipped the greek letter 'xi'.

They did that in order to not insult the leader of West Taiwan.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

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The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.

I wish Tinder had it too.

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

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A husband and wife of want to spice up their stale sex life.

They want to try BDSM for the first time. So one afternoon, the husband comes home from work, heads upstairs to the bedroom to change, and finds his wife spread out on the bed decked out in bondage gear and lingerie. Without skipping a beat the husband gets undressed and leans down and asks her in a...

God spoke to me today.

He said "Stay in bed and skip work".

Turns out my boss isn't religious and I'm unemployed.

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An employer is forced to fire one of his employees

He has to decide between Jack or Susan. They are both great workers with exceptional sales. He decides to interview them separately to decide who to fire.
He calls jack into his office and says I will cut to the chase. I need to lay you or Susan off, why should I keep you? Jack responds his comp...

Poker joke for you

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress:
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ta...

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Religion is like a End-user license agreement...

Everyone is so eager to sign up and enjoy the benefits that they skip reading the rules and have no clue what kind of crazy shit they've agreed to.

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Three men go to Hell [Long]

One random night 3 men went out drinking and having a good time. Drunk, swaying side to side, they decided it was a good idea to walk down the middle of a road. As they get further down the road a truck came through and didn't see them. All three men were hit and died instantly. These 3 men were al...

What do you call a cow with...

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak

What do you call a cow with no legs lying in a hole? Fil

What do you call a cow with no legs lying next to a hole? Dug

What d...

Recently I got invited to a nudist dinner party but I had to skip it

I had nothing to wear

Four students decide to skip an exam

Four students were attending law college and were quite used to cheating and exploiting to get better grades. Their final exam was due tomorrow and they wanted to get some extra time to hopefully enhance their grades.

The plan was simple: don’t show up tomorrow, spend the whole day learning ...

Chatting at the gym…

While at the gym a good looking woman approached me and asked me, “ have you tried skipping?”
I replied, “like with a rope?” She replied,” no like skipping a meal. “

I always skip the gym the first week of the new year

I can’t deal with the crowds.

I also skip weeks 2 - 52 of the new year but still looking for an excuse for those.

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

What do you call an American kid who skipped school?

Alive.

It looks like we skipped 2021

And went straight to 2020-2

People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

Jesus and his apostles walk into a restaurant...

Matthew asks for a table for 26. The server says " But there is only 13 of you" Paul says "But we all want to sit on the same side of the table."

Then the group skips out early leaving Judas with the bill.

"Jusus Christ man, where am I going to find 30 pieces of silver

Why did the sad geologist skip his lunch break?

Because he lost his apatite.

Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?

Because they don't even Lyft.

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Man goes into a pharmacy

and asks the woman at the counter for a pack of condoms. She asks him what size he needed, and when he answered that he did not know, she directed him go into a room at the side of the counter and try his penis in the three holes in the plywood wall to see which fit the best.

As he made his ...

I’ve met the CEO of r/antiwork

His name is Skip Jobs.

I used to think skipping to the ends of stories would save time...

...but then I learned to stop jumping to conclusions.

I kinda thought about skipping NNN, but you know...

... why nut.

I once had to skip class because I had hypothermia.

I was too cool for school.

Some guy called peter managed to jump a skipping rope over 12,000 times in an hour

Really, it’s a world record, we looked it up

skipping church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.

As soon as the Associate ...

Why did LeBron James skip college?

He didn't want to show up for finals.

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants,...

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I always skip to the end whenever I watch new porn for the first time.

I don’t like getting involved with a story unless I know it has a happy ending.

Why did we skip windows 9?

Because 7 8 9












I'm so sorry

2 college friends skip studying for Chemistry final to party

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the ...

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I taught my nephew to skip the first "H" whenever he reads/pronounce English words

E.g honest, hour, honour. Later that day i told him to *heat* my food in the microwave. I almost killed that bastard.

Golf

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car a policeman stopped him and asked "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes." the golfer responded. ...

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Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit d...

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Stone skipping

Three boys were sent to the headmaster’s office.

“What have you been up to?” the headmaster asked the first one in his sternest voice.

“I played ‘Stone Skipping’ by the pond,” he answered.

“Stone skipping? I see nothing wrong with that, I did that a lot when I was young too. Ju...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

A girl came skipping home from school one day...

"Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10! See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good." said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde." her mother replied....

A lot of guys struggle to add muscle

Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes heroin, but still.

Girls are like rocks,

the flat ones get skipped

You know that feeling when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Yeah, that’s arrhythmia.
You can die from that.

Every Christmas Santa seems to skip Indonesia

He just gives them a big wave.

Grandpa looks at his grandson and says, "Go hide! Your teacher is here because you skipped school today."

The grandson says, "No, you go hide. I told her you were dead!"

I ordered Door Dash tonight. When the guy got to my house he skipped to the door.

Looks like my Dasher is more like a Prancer.

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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping

happily down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf!” says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time, he is crouched behind a ...

A farmer has four daughters named Betty, Mary, Flo, and Luck. who each have dates tonight.

He is overprotective about his daughters, and he fidgets with his shotgun a lot. He is also nervous about the boys coming to pick them up. He hears a knock on the door and opens it. There is standing one of the daughters dates.

The boy says,

"Hi my name is Teddy!

I'm here to pi...

What do you call a dinosaur that never skips chest day?

Tyranno-Sorest Pecs

...I’ll show myself out

A man who was worried about his weight went to his doctor. The doctor said to eat normally for two days and then skip one.

When they next meet;

Doctor: Did my advice work?

Man: Yes, I lost twenty pounds!

The doctor was amazed. He asked the man how how he lost that much.

Man: Well, I was just about dead at the end.

Doctor: Because you were hungry?

Man: No, because of all the skip...

A Priest decides to skip mass in order to go golfing

He knows this is wrong, but he figures it's okay. He's performed mass for 30 years, and has been looking forward to golfing for ages. The weather is only good during mass hours, so he figures he deserves it, right? Another priest fills in as he claims he's sick.

As he is driving to the golf ...

The allied prisoners

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up a...

“Doctor!! I told you, I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat. Why do you keep calling me a liar!?”

Doctor: “Sir I’ll say it again, that’s A- Fib.”

Why did the priest skip Thanksgiving leftovers?

He decided to quit cold turkey.

Why did the lovestruck king skip the dinner party?

Because his heart had been stolen and so he had no suit.

My plan was to skip shoveling and just let the snow melt.

It wasnt well thawed out.

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Skipping Grade School

A man in his mid-40’s was walking down the street on a school day and noticed a young boy, about 9 yrs old, sitting on a porch eating a huge bag of candy.

Concerned that boy was alone, out of school, and gorging himself on candy, the man approached an asked “Shouldn’t you be in school instea...

People always ask me how I got into Harvard at the age of 16, after skipping two grades.

Honestly I think the janitor just left the door open or something.

one possitive thing about skipping school in america

not getting shot

Why don't cows skip leg day?

To keep their calves in shape

Did ya hear the one about the three brothers “Hop, Skip and Jump” ?

They were very close

Why did the burglar skip the kitchen?

He didn't want to take any whisks.

Little Johnny skipped school one day...

and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny repli...

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Lebron James must skip leg day

His cavs can't do shit

My ex would always skip a letter when reciting the alphabet...

She never said y

Why are americans bad at geography?

Because the ones that skipped class survived

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

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