Guy: I am great at indentifying birds

Friend: ok, what are those on that tree?
Guy: yes, they are all birds.

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and swine flu you need oinkment.

Whats the difference between trump and a bird

One of them can still tweet

What kind of birds always stick together?

Vel-Crows!!!!

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Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

How many birds can you fit under a Scotsmans kilt?

Depends how big the perch is.

For Sale: Dead Bird

Won't go cheep

A teacher asked a student "If there are four birds sitting next to each other on a tree, and you shoot one, how many do you have left?"

The student replies "None." Curious, the teacher asks the student about his answer, and he explains that if you shoot one bird, it startles the other birds into flying away, so you're left with none.

The teacher replies "Not what I was looking for, but I like your answer."

The student ...

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

Is that a bird, is that a plain

It’s a joke going over people’s heads

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

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There’s no such thing as a virgin bird.

They’ve all been laid at least once.

You shoot a sick bird, but get arrested. Why?

Because it was an ill eagle shooting.

My friend has just fed German sausage to a bird.

He’s taken a tern for the wurst.

Why do birds sing in the morning?

Because they don't have to go to fcuking work.

What’s the official bird of 2020?

The Corvid.

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What kind of bird can write underwater?

A ballpoint *pen*guin

How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Toucan

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

If a red bird has red babies and a blue bird has blue babies what type of bird has no babies?

A swallow.

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What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen?

... don’t take her out again, that’s for sure.

I just got back from my first session at the Bird Psychologist

He comes highly recommended, but the tweetment won't be cheep.

On my way to work this morning a bird decided to make its home on top of my head. I went to call someone for help but my phone had run out of power

I'm now under a nest without charge

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Never look up to birds for inspiration

cause they’re most likely to shit on you, and your ideas.

Just saw two birds stuck together in the garden.

I think they are velcrows

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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

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My wife is one of a kind. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

What do you call a cold bird? (Dad joke)

Birrrrrrrd.

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It is very important to like the same birds in your marriage

When I am looking for my wife to have sex, she ducks, but I wish she would swallow.

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A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, and a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster l...

What do you call a bird that likes avocado toast?

The millennial falcon.

No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops...

But toucan!

(First post here, hope you like it.)

Did you hear about the bird that joined a reggae band?

'e was flappin' de bass mon

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Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names?

People call a group of chickens a Brood.

People call a group of Falcons a Cast.

People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”

A guy is out hunting and sees a hawk flying high above him, so he shoots it. As he's retrieving the dead bird a game warden happens by and arrests him for killing a federally protected bird of prey.

At the courtroom, the man tells the judge he's been out of work for many months and only shot the hawk because he hadn't eaten in days. The judge decides to let him off with 6 months probation.

As the guy is leaving the judge says, "hey, what does hawk taste like anyway?"

The guy say...

The early bird gets the worm

but the second mouse gets the cheese

What do birds and traitors have in common?

They both fly south for the winter.

When birds get arrested, they get no trial.

They go straight to prison because they’re too much of a flight risk.

What do you call a narcissist bird of prey?

Eagle-centric

I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he's James Bond

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

You know that phrase "Kill two birds with one stone"?

I now hold the world record for aerial rock skipping.

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Did you know the bird species canaries don’t live in the Canary Islands? Same with the Virgin Islands

No canaries live there, either

Why do birds always congregate on power wires?

So they can hang out with their friends online.

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....

so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.

I just Googled, "National Bird Of Syria"

And a picture of a drone popped up.

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

Why don't birds prepare for speeches?

They like to wing it.

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

I want to start a bird feeding company.

I want to start a bird feeding company.

All I need is some seed money.

Why is there drunk bird at the jammed door

Because the repair man asked for a crow bar

Bird Joke

A bottle of water can't quench the thirst of a bird but Tou-can

What did the bird say when he was surprised

Well Owl be damned

A burglar broke into a house one night....

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'


He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.<...

The effect of pot on shore birds...

On the beach yesterday I saw a researcher blowing clouds of pot smoke on shore birds to study the effects of marijuana on their flying. He was very thorough, making sure he dosed every single one he saw.

It was his intention to leave no tern unstoned.

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the...

My bird Nicole flew away.

Now I have a Nicoless Cage.

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

A bird watcher walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I've always wondered, what's the difference between a crow and a raven?" the bartender asks. "Well, ravens and crows both have large feathers on their wings called 'pinions'. Ravens have 4 pinions on each wing while crows only have 3," the bird watcher replies."So if you think about it, it's just a...

Why don't birds were underpants?

Because their peckers are on their faces.

The national bird of prey hospice had their annual play shut down by the authorities.

Apparently it was an ill-eagle act.

A bird walks into a bar, takes a seat, and is promptly shot by the bartender.

It was a stool pigeon.

Which is heavier, 200 lbs of feathers, or 200 lbs of bricks?

The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

what does Big bird clean with?

an elmop

Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies?

Swallows...

A bird was flying when it laid an egg. But it didn't fall to the ground. Why?

Because it was wearing underwear.

This was my cousin's favourite joke when she was around 4 years old (she's 27 now) and she made it a point to tell EVERYONE she met because she came up with it herself.

Don’t tell me about the Birds and the Bees

A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.” The dad was perplexed. “Why don’t you want to know?”

“When I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny speech.’ When I wa...

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“none, the others would fly away.”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“the answer is 4 but I like the way you think.”

Bɪʟʟʏ- “miss I have a question. There are 3 women eating ice-cream. 1 licking, 1 biting, 1 sucking. Which one is married?”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ(nervously)-“the one sucking.”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“ no mis...

I went to a pet store to buy a bird

The employee asked me, “Are you sure you want a bird? It’s a big responsibility”.

“Yes I’m quite sure” I responded.

The employee sighed and said, “Alright, but if you change your mind, you’ll have to live with that egret for the rest of your life”

I can levitate birds!

However, nobody seems to care.

What do you call a flaming bird that can’t fly??

Walking Phoenix

A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup.

After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :

\- Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette on a cliff.

The cliff is magical, only granting a specific type of wish under certain conditions. You must jump off the cliff, and you are able to become anything you wish, but you must say it while falling.

The brunette jumps off the cliff and yells, “bird!” She becomes a beautiful dove, and flies awa...

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were cruising down the coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent bald eagle in the middle of the road. When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.

A tragic case of killing two Stones with one bird.

What's the quiet kids' favourite bird?

The desert eagle.

Why do cops hate sick birds?

Because they're ill eagles.

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A woman walks into a pet shop looking for a bird. The employee of the pet shop walks up to her and asks, "What are you looking for?"

The woman explains she wants a bird who can sing. The employee explains "We have one, but he only sings Christmas songs". The womans says "well I'd love to see it!" The employee walks into the backroom and brings out a pretty, brown parrot. "His name is Chet and he only sings when you light a fire u...

I was in Idaho last week, and found out what their state bird is.

A middle finger to liberals.

So I've been a little bored and my wife suggested I make a bird table.

Well...she's not happy. I've just finished tabulating all the points and she's in fifth place.

Why did big bird develop a complex?

Because he was ostrich-sized.

We were stranded at sea with dwindling supplies of dried food and canned meat. Some of the guys started to catch birds and eat them or barter them for other food,...

...so I took a tern for the wurst.

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What Do You Call A Bird In A Lift?

One stupid ass bird.

What did the disgruntled birdwatcher say to the employee of the bird sanctuary?

I’d like to speak to your Tanager.

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A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat.

A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat.

He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whiskey for the cat."

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

After they finished their drinks, it was the ostrich's turn to buy a round.<...

My wife came to me, and handed me a bird.

Then told me “happy caique day!”

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What do you call it when the sound of birds having sex makes music?

Cloacapella.

We all know the stork deliveries babies, what bird helps keeps babies away?

The Swallow

What’s Donald Trump’s favorite bird?

Pigeon, they’re always saying coup coup coup.

Which bird has the worst manners?

Mocking birds.

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The sailor and the pirate

One day, a sailor met a pirate. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eyepatch. The sailor asked the pirate, “How did you get your peg leg?” The pirate replied, “Aargh, a whale bit me leg off.” Next, the sailor asked, “How did you get your hook?” The pirate replied, “Me crew was in a battle with ...

What happens if you kiss a bird?

You get chirpies. But it’s okay because it tweetable!

A man is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and is at the million dollar question.

The question is "which of these birds doesn't build its own nest? a.the cuckoo b. the sparrow c. the eagle or d. the red-tailed hawk. He only has "phone a friend left", so he calls his friend and repeats the question. His friend immediately says it's the cuckoo. The guy asks if he's sure and he says...

Roger the wingless eagle didn't let the ridicule coming from other able-bodied birds get him down

He was unflappable

Thankfully it's not another virus we have to worry about.

The police have found a large number of dead crows on the 101 just north of
Ventura early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed
the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
Th...

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A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure.

He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure ...

What type of bird creates an only fan's?

An Ea-gle....

I’ll never understand how the song Free Bird became a meme amongst musicians

Anyway here’s wonderwall

Birdie, birdie in the sky...

Dropped some white stuff in my eye,

I'm a big boy I won't cry,

I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights?

A chicken

How did the blonde try to kill the bird??

She threw it off a cliff.

How do birds dust their houses?

With feather dusters!

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What do you do if a bird poops on your car?

Never take Her out on a date again

I always wondered why bird flying in V formation would have one side longer than the other...

Turns out it's because there are more birds on that side.

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Wife and I making bird puns in bed

We were laying in bed, when I looked over and said "hey make like a bird and swallow this dick!" She smiled and pulled my pajama bottoms off. I closed my eyes awaiting bliss, when all of a sudden she repeatedly head butts my dick. After scrambling away and gasping in pain, I looked at her and exclai...

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

What do you call birds that just want to dance?

Ravens

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

I figured out a way to kill two birds with one stone.

You tell both the lovely ladies they each look 7 pounds heavier.

Why did Little Johnny go to the bird sanctuary?

He was in a fowl mood.

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A man walks into a pet shop

He asks the employee: "Show me a pet like nobody else has!". The employee thinks for am moment and goes: "Well, I do have this parrot." "Forget it,", says the man, "anyone can have parrot." "But not this one, this one is special!". The man takes a look at the parrot, sitting in his cage and the parr...

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A bird shit on my head the other day

I'm just grateful that cows don't fly.

Why don't birds have any painkillers?

Cos the parrots-eat -em-all.

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A resident of Stockholm goes to the countryside to hunt ducks.

When he sees a duck, he takes aim and shoots. But the bird falls on a farmer's farm, and he won't hand over the prey. "That's my bird," the townsman insists on his right. The farmer suggests settling the dispute with a kick in the abdomen, as is customary in the countryside. "Whoever yells less gets...

A guy wanted to show me his Bird imitation skills but I refused

So he flew away

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