If a blue bird has blue babies

And a red bird has red babies
What bird has no babies?


Swallows

What do you call birds who stick together?

Velcrows

Guy: I am great at indentifying birds

Friend: ok, what are those on that tree?
Guy: yes, they are all birds.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can still tweet.

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!

(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)

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What's the white stuff in bird shit?

That's bird shit too

Did you hear the pope caught bird flu?

He got it from a cardinal.

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

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You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

What do you call it when a bird moves things with it’s mind?

Pelikinesis

Bird flu

Bird landed

I loved the sound a bird made this morning...

...so I re-tweeted it.

They're vaccinating against bird flu again

Call it a rooster shot

The stork is the bird that brings the baby,

But a Swallow's the one to prevent it!

What’s a drug for birds?

Quack

Two birds are in a marathon...

(joke best read aloud!)

Two birds are in a marathon...

They are by far in first place so rest on a bench in a park. The first bird sees some chips in car just sitting there.

Excitedly, he points it out to the second bird, "Hey there's some chips in that car!"

The second b...

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and swine flu you need oinkment.

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Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

What kind of ice cream goes in a bird bath?

Bask’n Robins

Have you heard of that new bird disease?

Corvid-19?

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A marriage counsellor is holding a group session and asks the husbands what bird would best describe their wife..

The first husband says "well my wife reminds me of a swan" .. "why is that" asks the counsellor , "because she's beautiful and graceful" replies the husband


The second husband says "I think an owl best describes my wife" "really"? says the counsellor , "yes because she is wise and int...

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

Why do birds make bad basketball players?

They're always committing fowls.

Where do antarctic birds spend their nights?

In pengu-inns

Today I saw an old man feeding the birds.

He must have been dead three hours at least.

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

The white-throated dipper is the national bird of Norway, the mute swan is Denmark's, and the blackbird is Sweden's,

these are the Scandinavians.

For Sale: Dead Bird

Won't go cheep

How many birds can you fit under a Scotsmans kilt?

Depends how big the perch is.

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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

What do you call a cold bird? (Dad joke)

Birrrrrrrd.

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

Why shouldn't you get the national bird of the USA sick?

Because it'll be an ill eagle action.

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There’s no such thing as a virgin bird.

They’ve all been laid at least once.

My friend has just fed German sausage to a bird.

He’s taken a tern for the wurst.

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My wife is one of a kind. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

Is that a bird, is that a plain

It’s a joke going over people’s heads

What’s the official bird of 2020?

The Corvid.

I just got back from my first session at the Bird Psychologist

He comes highly recommended, but the tweetment won't be cheep.

How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Toucan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of bird can write underwater?

A ballpoint *pen*guin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen?

... don’t take her out again, that’s for sure.

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...

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Never look up to birds for inspiration

cause they’re most likely to shit on you, and your ideas.

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Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names?

People call a group of chickens a Brood.

People call a group of Falcons a Cast.

People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”

What do you call a bird that likes avocado toast?

The millennial falcon.

The early bird gets the worm

but the second mouse gets the cheese

Where do pirate birds go when they dock?

A Crow- barrrr

What do you call a narcissist bird of prey?

Eagle-centric

Why don't birds prepare for speeches?

They like to wing it.

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A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, and a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster l...

No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops...

But toucan!

(First post here, hope you like it.)

A guy is out hunting and sees a hawk flying high above him, so he shoots it. As he's retrieving the dead bird a game warden happens by and arrests him for killing a federally protected bird of prey.

At the courtroom, the man tells the judge he's been out of work for many months and only shot the hawk because he hadn't eaten in days. The judge decides to let him off with 6 months probation.

As the guy is leaving the judge says, "hey, what does hawk taste like anyway?"

The guy say...

Did you hear about the bird that joined a reggae band?

'e was flappin' de bass mon

What do birds and traitors have in common?

They both fly south for the winter.

When birds get arrested, they get no trial.

They go straight to prison because they’re too much of a flight risk.

What’s heavier, 1 lb of rocks, or 1 lb of feathers?

The feathers, because you’re carrying the weight of what you did to those birds.

How do you kill two birds with one stone?

Aim really well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is very important to like the same birds in your marriage

When I am looking for my wife to have sex, she ducks, but I wish she would swallow.

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Did you know the bird species canaries don’t live in the Canary Islands? Same with the Virgin Islands

No canaries live there, either

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....

so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.

I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he's James Bond

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

Jesus will bite you...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

God, Atheist, and the Bear.

An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in towards the man. The atheist screams in terror, " Oh God, help me!! "

Suddenly, everything - the bear, the trees, the birds, everything but th...

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A pirate walks into his local tavern after being away at sea.

The owner greets him and says “Good to see you, friend. Hey, you didn’t have a peg leg last time you were in here. What happened?”

The pirate replied, “I fell off the deck during an awful storm. A shark bit off my leg while I was in the water, so now I have this peg leg.”

The owner sa...

Bird Joke

A bottle of water can't quench the thirst of a bird but Tou-can

I want to start a bird feeding company.

I want to start a bird feeding company.

All I need is some seed money.

What did the bird say when he was surprised

Well Owl be damned

The effect of pot on shore birds...

On the beach yesterday I saw a researcher blowing clouds of pot smoke on shore birds to study the effects of marijuana on their flying. He was very thorough, making sure he dosed every single one he saw.

It was his intention to leave no tern unstoned.

Why do birds always congregate on power wires?

So they can hang out with their friends online.

My bird Nicole flew away.

Now I have a Nicoless Cage.

A bird watcher walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I've always wondered, what's the difference between a crow and a raven?" the bartender asks. "Well, ravens and crows both have large feathers on their wings called 'pinions'. Ravens have 4 pinions on each wing while crows only have 3," the bird watcher replies."So if you think about it, it's just a...

I went to a pet store to buy a bird

The employee asked me, “Are you sure you want a bird? It’s a big responsibility”.

“Yes I’m quite sure” I responded.

The employee sighed and said, “Alright, but if you change your mind, you’ll have to live with that egret for the rest of your life”

I can levitate birds!

However, nobody seems to care.

Wanna know how I welcome birds to my home?

Microwave.

what do birds and my gf have in common?

Neither of them exist

what do you call a morbidly obese bird?

a type coo diabetic

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Country wisdom

A lazy bird waited to fly south until the first snow began to blast in. As he flew his wings began to ice and alas, our hero fell from the sky and he thought to himself 'I was lazy. I guess I deserve this. ' as luck would have it he landed plop! In farmer John's manure pile where he had just mucked ...

Why don't birds were underpants?

Because their peckers are on their faces.

Why is there drunk bird at the jammed door

Because the repair man asked for a crow bar

I was in Idaho last week, and found out what their state bird is.

A middle finger to liberals.

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Man bought a gun.

A few days later, the man goes to his therapist for a regular check-up.

Therapist: "why did you buy a gun? Do you feel unsafe in society or...?"

Man: "I got a gun because of my bird phobia"

Therapist: "I think you might be getting carried away"

Man: *firing into the ceili...

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

Little Johnny is in class one day...

The Teacher says "Okay class I have a math question. There are 3 birds sitting on a fence. If you shoot one of them off, how many are left?"

Little Johnny jumps up with his hand raised and says "NONE... After you fire the first shot, they will all fly away!"

Teacher says "Well, the cor...

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music; anything that came to mind. ...

The national bird of prey hospice had their annual play shut down by the authorities.

Apparently it was an ill-eagle act.

Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies?

Swallows...

The government has developed machines that will pick litter up from the beach.

I saw one the other day, but unfortunately it was malfunctioning and was grabbing birds off the shoreline instead.

I thought "Well, that took a tern."

A bird walks into a bar, takes a seat, and is promptly shot by the bartender.

It was a stool pigeon.

what does Big bird clean with?

an elmop

A man boards a flight from London to LA.

Midway in the flight, there is a bit of a turbulence and then an announcement.


"This is your captain speaking. We have a bit of bad news. During the turbulence we experienced, one of our engines have failed. But there is nothing to worry about, the plane still has three engines function...

Wife: Honey let's play a game. Husband: What is the game all about?

Wife:If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird, you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month. Husband: ok. If you fail, I will h...

What do you call a flaming bird that can’t fly??

Walking Phoenix

Do songbirds get mad...

At humming birds for not knowing the lyrics?

So I've been a little bored and my wife suggested I make a bird table.

Well...she's not happy. I've just finished tabulating all the points and she's in fifth place.

I couldn't sleep camping last night...

I couldn't sleep last night in my tent because of noise. I got up and followed the sound into some nearby woods. Deep inside I discovered a clearing in the middle of which was a DJ setup with dance music blaring out with smoke and flashing lights. Behind the decks there was a huge but rather worse-...

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

Which is heavier, 200 lbs of feathers, or 200 lbs of bricks?

The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

My wife came to me, and handed me a bird.

Then told me “happy caique day!”

A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup.

After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :

\- Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!

A bird was flying when it laid an egg. But it didn't fall to the ground. Why?

Because it was wearing underwear.

This was my cousin's favourite joke when she was around 4 years old (she's 27 now) and she made it a point to tell EVERYONE she met because she came up with it herself.

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A woman walks into a pet shop looking for a bird. The employee of the pet shop walks up to her and asks, "What are you looking for?"

The woman explains she wants a bird who can sing. The employee explains "We have one, but he only sings Christmas songs". The womans says "well I'd love to see it!" The employee walks into the backroom and brings out a pretty, brown parrot. "His name is Chet and he only sings when you light a fire u...

Why did big bird develop a complex?

Because he was ostrich-sized.

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

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Wife and I making bird puns in bed

We were laying in bed, when I looked over and said "hey make like a bird and swallow this dick!" She smiled and pulled my pajama bottoms off. I closed my eyes awaiting bliss, when all of a sudden she repeatedly head butts my dick. After scrambling away and gasping in pain, I looked at her and exclai...

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