What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can still tweet.

Did you hear the pope caught bird flu?

He got it from a cardinal.

My uncle got lost on his bird hunting expedition

He took a wrong tern

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!

(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and swine flu you need oinkment.

What kind of bird doesn't get pregnant?

A swallow

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Toucan!

What bird has the worst manners?

A mockingbird

I went to the Pet store to buy some exotic breeding birds

The Assistant said "have you got a Store card?"

I said no but I think I've just excited a Pelican

I bought a bag of bird seed almost 2 months ago.

Anyone know how long it takes for the bird to grow?

If a blue bird has blue babies

And a red bird has red babies
What bird has no babies?


Swallows

There's a new book about a bird that gets drunk.

It's called **Tequila Mockingbird**.

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

Why couldn't the little bird get into the birdhouse?

...the door wouldn't budgie!

Where do birds go out for drinks?

The Crow Bar.

What kind of bird becomes fluffy and absorbent if you put tea in front of it?

An owl.

Why do birds sing in the morning?

Because they don't have to go to work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mum dad said that the new lady nextdoor keeps birds.

Dad. No I didn't I said she looks like she's had a Cockatoo.

I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.

They were Basking Robins.

Bird flu

Bird landed

What do you call it when a bird moves things with it’s mind?

Pelikinesis

What’s a drug for birds?

Quack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

I loved the sound a bird made this morning...

...so I re-tweeted it.

They're vaccinating against bird flu again

Call it a rooster shot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a bird masturbate?

They wing it

Melissa's parrot was a horribly, horribly foul-mouthed bird-

One day, after having this parrot for a while, she's finally gotten fed up with listening to the darn thing cursing at her all the time, and so she takes the \*\^[email protected]!! thing to the vet.

The vet tells her, "Look, Melissa, I had a parrot in here a while back that had the same problem as yours- I...

My Vietnamese friend killed two birds with one stone

I guess that’s a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

What do you call two birds stuck together.. ?

Velcrows...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of bird did the pirate get after his parrot bit his dick off?

A wood pecker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the white stuff in bird shit?

That's bird shit too

By the law you are not allowed to have a sick bird

That's ill-eagle

I went for an audition at a talent agency today.

They asked "so what's your special talent?"

I said "I do bird impressions!"

They said "sorry, that’s not original we have had loads of them!"

I said "fair enough!!"...
and flew out the window.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is one of a kind. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

.
But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

The stork is the bird that brings the baby,

But a Swallow's the one to prevent it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

Two birds are in a marathon...

(joke best read aloud!)

Two birds are in a marathon...

They are by far in first place so rest on a bench in a park. The first bird sees some chips in car just sitting there.

Excitedly, he points it out to the second bird, "Hey there's some chips in that car!"

The second b...

What kind of ice cream goes in a bird bath?

Bask’n Robins

Why do birds make bad basketball players?

They're always committing fowls.

Today I saw an old man feeding the birds.

He must have been dead three hours at least.

Where do antarctic birds spend their nights?

In pengu-inns

For Sale: Dead Bird

Won't go cheep

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

Which weighs more, a ton of steel or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

The white-throated dipper is the national bird of Norway, the mute swan is Denmark's, and the blackbird is Sweden's,

these are the Scandinavians.

Why shouldn't you get the national bird of the USA sick?

Because it'll be an ill eagle action.

Is that a bird, is that a plain

It’s a joke going over people’s heads

How many birds can you fit under a Scotsmans kilt?

Depends how big the perch is.

What do you call a cold bird? (Dad joke)

Birrrrrrrd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

A teacher asks her students a simple math question…

“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”

Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.

Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a qu...

Crow deaths

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A marriage counsellor is holding a group session and asks the husbands what bird would best describe their wife..

The first husband says "well my wife reminds me of a swan" .. "why is that" asks the counsellor , "because she's beautiful and graceful" replies the husband


The second husband says "I think an owl best describes my wife" "really"? says the counsellor , "yes because she is wise and int...

Inflation at the veterinarians office

A duck got trampled.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s no such thing as a virgin bird.

They’ve all been laid at least once.

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.



Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

I just got back from my first session at the Bird Psychologist

He comes highly recommended, but the tweetment won't be cheep.

What’s the official bird of 2020?

The Corvid.

What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

My friend has just fed German sausage to a bird.

He’s taken a tern for the wurst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Late one night, a burglar broke in to a house...

As he was snooping around, looking for valuables, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you."

Scared, the burglar ducked behind a couch and frantically looked around. Not seeing anybody, he started snooping again. And again he heard the voice say "Jesus is watching you."

He ducked be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How I lost my Teeth

I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said “how about giving me your number handsome”

I looked at her and asked “Do you have a pen” “sure!” She said.

So I said, “ Well you bett...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The five minute management course

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

What do you call a nocturnal bird that sings beautifully?

A bard owl

Apprehended

A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating wom...

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen?

... don’t take her out again, that’s for sure.

The early bird gets the worm

but the second mouse gets the cheese

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, and a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster l...

No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops...

But toucan!

(First post here, hope you like it.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names?

People call a group of chickens a Brood.

People call a group of Falcons a Cast.

People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”

My last internship interview

Interviewer: I hope you have manners. We sacked the last guy for disrespect. He compared me to a bird

Me: Wow, I can never do that ma

Interviewer: Good. So you're here for the mentorship program?

Me: Yes ma, take me under your wing

Interviewer: Get out of my office

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never look up to birds for inspiration

cause they’re most likely to shit on you, and your ideas.

What do you call a bird that likes avocado toast?

The millennial falcon.

A guy is out hunting and sees a hawk flying high above him, so he shoots it. As he's retrieving the dead bird a game warden happens by and arrests him for killing a federally protected bird of prey.

At the courtroom, the man tells the judge he's been out of work for many months and only shot the hawk because he hadn't eaten in days. The judge decides to let him off with 6 months probation.

As the guy is leaving the judge says, "hey, what does hawk taste like anyway?"

The guy say...

What do birds and traitors have in common?

They both fly south for the winter.

An asteroid killed all the dinosaurs

You could also say it killed many birds with one stone.

A couple is expecting their first child

The father is overjoyed. He goes to the nearest clothing store and gets a little shirt, a tiny pair of pants, an adorable little hat, and the most exquisite (and expensive) pair of shoes for his soon to be child. He and his wife stand on their porch, waiting for 2 whole weeks for the stork to arrive...

What is rotating the turkey called?

Flippin' the bird

What do you call a narcissist bird of prey?

Eagle-centric

Where do pirate birds go when they dock?

A Crow- barrrr

Why don't birds prepare for speeches?

They like to wing it.

A bird watcher walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I've always wondered, what's the difference between a crow and a raven?" the bartender asks. "Well, ravens and crows both have large feathers on their wings called 'pinions'. Ravens have 4 pinions on each wing while crows only have 3," the bird watcher replies."So if you think about it, it's just a...

Did you hear about the bird that joined a reggae band?

'e was flappin' de bass mon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman's talking parrot orders 5,000 barrels of crude oil

A businessman with a talking parrot goes to work. He leaves the parrot behind at home, and the intelligent bird decides to fuck around with his old man.

As soon as the man leaves through the door, the parrot picks up the phone and says, "Hello, I'd like to order 5000 barrels of crude oil."...

Little Johnny - Ice Cream

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all...

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....

so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know the bird species canaries don’t live in the Canary Islands? Same with the Virgin Islands

No canaries live there, either

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hunting accident

Three friends went bird hunting. While walking across an open field, they came across an old fence. Two of the hunters quickly climbed over the fence. Being a little chubby, the third hunter decided he needed an easier way to get over the fence. He leaned his shotgun against the fence, walked down t...

Every time I take my dog for a walk, all the birds relentlessly attack him

Guess that's what I get for buying a purebread

There where a couple of pigeons sitting on my fence earlier, so I shouted at them and they both fell off and died.

I didn't know you could kill two birds with one's tone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I heard in Wildlands

So these two marines board a flight to Houston.
No sooner had they settled down into their seats than an Army corporal came down the aisle and took the seat next to them.
So the corporal settles in, pulls off his boots, and gets comfortable.
The two Marines take one look at this guy and ...

When birds get arrested, they get no trial.

They go straight to prison because they’re too much of a flight risk.

I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he's James Bond

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

I was in Idaho last week, and found out what their state bird is.

A middle finger to liberals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a forest..

He spoke to the Oak Tree: Your branches come over each other, twisting and turning. I feel inclined to ask you why?


The Oak Tree replied: Thank you for asking! These branches house the nests of birds, and gives plentiful wood for you humans! I can allow you to take them if you like. <...

Bird Joke

A bottle of water can't quench the thirst of a bird but Tou-can

What did the baby bird think right after hatching?

“Where the shell am I?”

Why don't birds were underpants?

Because their peckers are on their faces.

I went to a pet store to buy a bird

The employee asked me, “Are you sure you want a bird? It’s a big responsibility”.

“Yes I’m quite sure” I responded.

The employee sighed and said, “Alright, but if you change your mind, you’ll have to live with that egret for the rest of your life”

I can levitate birds!

However, nobody seems to care.

Wanna know how I welcome birds to my home?

Microwave.

The chicken walked into a library...

chicken walked into a public library, marched up to the desk and said, “Bok, bok , bok, bok.”

So, the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it and then left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk and said, “Bok, bok, bok, bok.”

Once...

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

My bird feeder.

At a monastery

3 disabled friars are walking the grounds of the monastery. 1 blind, 1 deaf and 1 in a wheelchair. They walk past a lake and the blind one says it is a holly lake that miracles occur in. The guy in the wheelchair says let's try. The blind guy enters and when he comes out he says "what a beautiful mo...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...

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