Guy: I am great at indentifying birds

Friend: ok, what are those on that tree?
Guy: yes, they are all birds.

If you see a bunch of big black birds

Don't automatically assume it's a murder of crows.

You can't have a murder without probable caws.

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Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

Just saw two birds stuck together in the garden.

I think they are velcrows

A bird watcher walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I've always wondered, what's the difference between a crow and a raven?" the bartender asks. "Well, ravens and crows both have large feathers on their wings called 'pinions'. Ravens have 4 pinions on each wing while crows only have 3," the bird watcher replies."So if you think about it, it's just a...

How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Toucan

The early bird gets the worm

but the second mouse gets the cheese

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It is very important to like the same birds in your marriage

When I am looking for my wife to have sex, she ducks, but I wish she would swallow.

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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

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Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names?

People call a group of chickens a Brood.

People call a group of Falcons a Cast.

People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”

No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops...

But toucan!

(First post here, hope you like it.)

What do birds and traitors have in common?

They both fly south for the winter.

If a redbird has red babies, and a bluebird has blue babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A Swallow.

You know that phrase "Kill two birds with one stone"?

I now hold the world record for aerial rock skipping.

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

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Did you know the bird species canaries don’t live in the Canary Islands? Same with the Virgin Islands

No canaries live there, either

What do you call a narcissist bird of prey?

Eagle-centric

I just Googled, "National Bird Of Syria"

And a picture of a drone popped up.

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....

so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.

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A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, and a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster l...

I went to a pet store to buy a bird

The employee asked me, “Are you sure you want a bird? It’s a big responsibility”.

“Yes I’m quite sure” I responded.

The employee sighed and said, “Alright, but if you change your mind, you’ll have to live with that egret for the rest of your life”

What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-Crow

What kind of bird fixes stuff? [Joke from my 6 year old nephew]

A repair-a-keet.

What do you call a cold bird? (Dad joke)

Birrrrrrrd.

I want to start a bird feeding company.

I want to start a bird feeding company.

All I need is some seed money.

What did the bird say when he was surprised

Well Owl be damned

Wanna know how I welcome birds to my home?

Microwave.

Bird Joke

A bottle of water can't quench the thirst of a bird but Tou-can

what do birds and my gf have in common?

Neither of them exist

Why don't birds prepare for speeches?

They like to wing it.

The national bird of prey hospice had their annual play shut down by the authorities.

Apparently it was an ill-eagle act.

What do you call a dead bird on the road?

A goosebump.

I can levitate birds!

However, nobody seems to care.

Which is heavier, 200 lbs of feathers, or 200 lbs of bricks?

The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

A bird walks into a bar, takes a seat, and is promptly shot by the bartender.

It was a stool pigeon.

Why don't birds were underpants?

Because their peckers are on their faces.

what does Big bird clean with?

an elmop

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A woman walks into a pet shop looking for a bird. The employee of the pet shop walks up to her and asks, "What are you looking for?"

The woman explains she wants a bird who can sing. The employee explains "We have one, but he only sings Christmas songs". The womans says "well I'd love to see it!" The employee walks into the backroom and brings out a pretty, brown parrot. "His name is Chet and he only sings when you light a fire u...

The effect of pot on shore birds...

On the beach yesterday I saw a researcher blowing clouds of pot smoke on shore birds to study the effects of marijuana on their flying. He was very thorough, making sure he dosed every single one he saw.

It was his intention to leave no tern unstoned.

Why do birds always congregate on power wires?

So they can hang out with their friends online.

Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies?

Swallows...

My bird Nicole flew away.

Now I have a Nicoless Cage.

A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup.

After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :

\- Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!

What do you call a flaming bird that can’t fly??

Walking Phoenix

What did the disgruntled birdwatcher say to the employee of the bird sanctuary?

I’d like to speak to your Tanager.

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

What's the quiet kids' favourite bird?

The desert eagle.

A bird was flying when it laid an egg. But it didn't fall to the ground. Why?

Because it was wearing underwear.

This was my cousin's favourite joke when she was around 4 years old (she's 27 now) and she made it a point to tell EVERYONE she met because she came up with it herself.

Why did big bird develop a complex?

Because he was ostrich-sized.

I met a crazy talking black bird the other day.

He kept insisting Trump really won the election. I tell ya he was a raven lunatic.

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

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What do you call it when the sound of birds having sex makes music?

Cloacapella.

Which bird has the worst manners?

Mocking birds.

What’s Donald Trump’s favorite bird?

Pigeon, they’re always saying coup coup coup.

My wife came to me, and handed me a bird.

Then told me “happy caique day!”

Have you heard about the disease from kissing birds ?

It's called Chirpies.

It's a canarial disease.

It's untweetable.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird??

She threw it off a cliff.

How do birds dust their houses?

With feather dusters!

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What do you do if a bird poops on your car?

Never take Her out on a date again

Don’t tell me about the Birds and the Bees

A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.” The dad was perplexed. “Why don’t you want to know?”

“When I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny speech.’ When I wa...

Why do cops hate sick birds?

Because they're ill eagles.

Why don’t birds wear underwear?

Their pecker is on their face.

How much soda can a tropical bird drink?

Tucans

So I've been a little bored and my wife suggested I make a bird table.

Well...she's not happy. I've just finished tabulating all the points and she's in fifth place.

I was in Idaho last week, and found out what their state bird is.

A middle finger to liberals.

Roger the wingless eagle didn't let the ridicule coming from other able-bodied birds get him down

He was unflappable

We all know the stork deliveries babies, what bird helps keeps babies away?

The Swallow

I’ll never understand how the song Free Bird became a meme amongst musicians

Anyway here’s wonderwall

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights?

A chicken

I figured out a way to kill two birds with one stone.

You tell both the lovely ladies they each look 7 pounds heavier.

Why did Little Johnny go to the bird sanctuary?

He was in a fowl mood.

The media was quick to attack Trump's claim that "wind energy was killing all the birds", countering that cats kill way more birds than windmills...

I can't remember the last time I heard about a cat killing a windmill...

What happens if you kiss a bird?

You get chirpies. But it’s okay because it tweetable!

What do you call birds that just want to dance?

Ravens

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Wife and I making bird puns in bed

We were laying in bed, when I looked over and said "hey make like a bird and swallow this dick!" She smiled and pulled my pajama bottoms off. I closed my eyes awaiting bliss, when all of a sudden she repeatedly head butts my dick. After scrambling away and gasping in pain, I looked at her and exclai...

Some say Trump is an odd bird.

I say he is a lame duck.

Why don't birds have any painkillers?

Cos the parrots-eat -em-all.

The Kansas police found a large number of dead crows on the 135 outside of Witchita today

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varyin...

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A bird shit on my head the other day

I'm just grateful that cows don't fly.

I always wondered why bird flying in V formation would have one side longer than the other...

Turns out it's because there are more birds on that side.

A man with tourette syndrome is selling birds.

All the parrots are returned.

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Got woken up at half-past four this morning again, by this bird on my windowsill.

I've decided to name it Donald.


Never stops fucking tweeting.

Why are birds so hard to identify?

Because they are always in da sky’s.

Johnny was in class when his teacher asks

Johnny was in class when his teacher asks:

-Johnny, there are five birds on a tree. You shoot one, how many are left.

-None, miss. The others will fly away!

-The right answer is four, but i like the way you think.

Johnny goes quiet, and then raises his hand.

-Yes?<...

A guy wanted to show me his Bird imitation skills but I refused

So he flew away

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

Scientists have confirmed a new strain of bird flu going around

It's transmitted from crows and ravens to people. They've named it Corvid-19

Daddy, can you tell me about the birds and the bees

Son: daddy can you tell me about the birds and the bees?

Dad: well bee stands for the male and the bird stands for the female.

When 2 people love each other very much, the bee stings the bird essentially giving his life and the bird gets a pain in the ass

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Do you like birds?

Because you look like you could take a Cockatoo!!!

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I heard your mom loves collecting birds....

She always up for a cockatoo.

What Is An Alcoholic?

Child: Mum! What is an alcoholic?

Mum: Well, you see the two birds over there. An alcoholic would see four.

Child: Mummy, there is only one bird over there.

I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks...

I asked my cat and she said, "Meow". No help.

I asked my bird and he said, "Tweet". Useless.

I asked my dog and they said "Rhytidome, you buffoon."

Two birds land on a perch

One says to the other, "Something smells fishy."

What do you call it when you throw rat poison at a bird of prey?

ill eagle

Why do birds sing in the morning?

Because they don't have to go to work.

My friend lost all of his birds.

He went after them, but it was a wild goose chase.

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

I call her bird house

Because I put so many seeds in her

If a dove is a bird of peace, what is a bird of true love?

A swallow.

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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

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A bird shit on my car last night...

I won’t be taking her out again.

Ever since we got married my wife has been working on her bird impressions...

She watches me like a hawk.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.


The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.


The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. T...

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Life’s like a bird,

it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.

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Little birds

A little girl was walking by the shore when she see a nude man laying in a chair. Out of curiosity, she pointed at his penis and asked “ mister, mister what is that?” . He replied “ that is my little bird. Now go away so I can take my afternoon nap “.

Four hour later, the man wake up from hi...

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My exotic bird is a jerk. He shit on my bagel today, so I shit on his cage

Toucan play that game

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Hey girl, do you raise birds of the species Parus major?

Because you've got great tits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bird joke

What should you do if a bird shits on your car?

Dump her.

An interesting title

In high school kids used to say i resembled a large bird so they would exclude me from activities.

I guess that would make me Ostrich-sized

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A man is at a bar in London around 1985, having a drink with a girl.

He really wants to impress her. He looks over to another table and sees none other than Freddie Mercury!

“Oh my god!” Says his date, “I love him! Let’s get an autograph!”

“Nah”, the man replied, “he’s a bit of a knob”

“You know him?” his date asked incredulously

“Oh, yea...

Why did the cop arrest the sick bird?

He was ill-eagle.

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Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?

“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”

“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird

next door.”

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

Late one night a burglar

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the vo...

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There was once a red Indian with one testicle

whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'



The word got around and nobody called him th...

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Chicken Dinner

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the...

What's the first sign that you have caught bird flu?

Fowl symptoms.

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