What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?

Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

If the eagle is the bird of war and the dove is the bird of Love ! What is the bird of true love ?

The Swallow!

What country has the most birds?

Turkey

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A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."

The bartender knows this type, a...

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How many dicks can a bird take at the same time?

A Cockatoo

The teacher asks Billy, “If there are 5 birds on the fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”

Billy says, “None, because the others would fly away.”

“The answer is 4, but I like the way you think,” says the teacher.

“Now I have a question for you,” says Billy, “If there are 3 women eating ice cream cones, and 1 is licking, 1 is biting, and 1 is sucking, which one is married?”...

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

"If there are 5 birds sitting on a tree branch...

And a hunter shoots 2, how many will there be left?" Is what teacher Karen asks Johnny.

Johnny: 0, because all birds will fly away when they hear gunshots!

Karen: Well no, actually it's 3 but I do like your reasoning.

Johnny: Okay, so now I've got a question for you. There are 3...

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

Never kiss a bird

You might end up with chripes. Which is a canareal disease, that isn't tweetable.

What do you calls a mathematicians bird that won’t eat ?

A polynomial

A bird and weed story

In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Terns would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned.

A crow was arrested an put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.

"Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."

"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."

"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer b...

You think birds are scary?

Imagine Dragons.

What do you call a house filled with birds

A burden

Bird is the word.

I had a parrot. He swore up and down, all the time. I tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t listen. F this and that, b word, c word, you name it. One day I finally had enough and I said that I’m going to stick him in the freezer to cool off if he doesn’t “cool it” with the foul language.

...

What does a bird say to another bird?

Oiseaup

We live in such an uncaring society. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds

After a while I thought to myself: “I wonder how long he’s been dead?”

He refused to act like a bird.

I pointed my gun at him and insisted.

But he was unflappable.

I have a bird feeder in my garden.

It's also a cat feeder.

If a black bird brings black babies and a white bird brings white babies. What kind of bird brings no babies?

Swallows

I won my first cage fight today

Stupid bird never knew what hit it

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.

So far, it's been seven owls and fifteen jays.......

Idk about you guys but my parents never taught me about "the birds and the bees."

So when it came down to doing it, I had no idea how to extract honey from a beehive

Why can't you breed a bird of prey with an eel?

Because it's eeleagle.

What does the cat in bird mask say?

Me owl

My wife keeps trying to annoy me by making bird jokes.

Little does she know Toucan play at that game.

Have you ever heard of bird west?

It’s just one of the cardinal directions.

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It’s said the person you love should complete you. If you’re an introvert, they’re an extrovert. If they’re responsible, you’re carefree. If they’re a night owl, you’re an early bird.

As a dude with no ass I can get down with this.

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Joe’s father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Joe says, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Joe sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left...

Edna always loved the birds

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to t...

Time flies when you name your bird after seasoning.

I am aware that the correct spelling is thyme

A flock of birds walk into a bar, look around, then head for the door.

Bartender says, “Hey, what’s the matter?”

One of the birds says, “oh, it's just that this place looked seedier on the outside.”

What do you get when you cross a pig with a bird?

Swine Flew

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A wife told her husband to give there son the talk of the “birds and the bees”

So the father went into the sons room and struck conversation

Father: Son your mother has told me I have to inform you about sex. Do you know what the female private part is?

Son: (in a hushed voice) you mean the vagina?

Father: Yes, do you know about the penis?

Son: of c...

What do you call a bird looking at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad

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Why do birds have feathers?

To cover their butt-quacks.

..dad jokes for life!

Do you know why birds sing in the morning?

Because they don’t have to go to work!

You know how birds fly in V-formation and one side always looks longer? You know why that is?

More birds on that side.

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My wife says if I don’t stop making bird puns she is going to withhold sex...

...but she can keep her tits to herself. Eventually she will want my cock and she’ll find that toucan play that game.

What's the national bird of Syria?

American drone.

What should a bird nourish its chick with to ensure it's proper development?

Redbull

Why did the girl marry the bird instead of the fruit?

Because the fruit cantaloupe, but the bird pelican.

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What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.

I'm sorry.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

Did you know that birds swear the most of any animal

They have fowl language

what's the difference between a bird and a fly?

a bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

(credit to mr bean joke book i had when i was a kid)

What do you call a bird without a green card?

An illeagle

What do you call a bird with a drinking problem?

An Owl-coholic!!!

A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.



“If you don’t stop swearin...

The vet seemed to have no idea why my two pet birds were stuck together.

He said it was toucan fusing.

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Three birds were eating fermented seeds from cow manure in a fenced in barn area.

After eating their fill they noticed three barn cats lurking about. They decided they needed to get out of there. Feeling inebriated the first decided to get a boost by starting from a quarter way up a rake. It tries, and fumbles. Cat gets it!

The second one hoping for a better chance goes up...

One day, my parents told me about the birds and the bees

"Son" they said, "birds do it, bees do it, so it's completely fine and natural for you to do it too. It's nothing to be ashamed of"

They were of course referring to my unfortunate habit of running face-first into windows.

why do birds fly south during the winter?

Because it would take forever to walk

Why was the pope angry with a bird?

He had committed a cardinal sin.

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A father was about to tell his ten year old son about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know”, said the son.

“Why?” said the father.

“Because when I was seven you told me there was no tooth fairy, when I was eight you told me there was no Easter bunny and when I was nine you told me there was no Santa Claus. If you’re about to tell me grown ups don’t actu...

What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and scr...

Today, I followed two majestic birds of pray

They then kicked me out of the nunnery

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What kind of bird would you find in a bathroom?

A Peecock!

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Do you know what the white stuff in bird poop is?

That's bird poop, too

What did the bird army say when running away?

Retweet

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.



Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.



"These bird...

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

I call my friends Dodo birds

Because they don't exist.

Did you hear about the bird that carried a leek?

Never mind, its too Farfetch'd.

Big bird's flock rejected him because of how tall he was...

He was ostrich-sized.

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds

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When is a bird in the hand worth two in the bush?

When one cock can't satisfy, but toucan.

Teacher: Give me an example of a bird that has wings but can not fly...

Student: A dead bird.

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What do you do if a bird shits on your car?

Never take her out again.

A woman brings her severly ill bird into the vet.

The vet rushes her back to the examination room, but unfortunately the little bird passes on before he can do anything for it.

He tells the woman that her bird has died, but she refuses to believe him and demands that he run tests to verify the little guy's demise.

The vet goes into th...

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

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There once was a Native American who had only one testicle...

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will k...

“Julie,” her mother asked, “why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?”

“Because,” Julie answered, “that’s where my canary is.”

What does Black Panther say when he sees an unfamiliar bird?

Wakanda bird is this?

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I met a really cute bird keeper...

She had all kinds of birds at her house.

She had some beautiful parrots, a couple of cockatiels, and a pair of great tits

My niece asked me what kind of birds are found on Twitter.

I told her mostly parrots.

I saw a fat bird down the pub

And her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!

I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan."

She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!"

I said "Actually no, I wasn'...

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I suggested to a friend that we take up bird watching

He remained unconvinced until I showed him a photo of a nice pair of tits.

What type of bird is the craziest?

Ducks. Because they’re all Quacks.

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

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What do you call the act of a bird masturbating?

A flap fap.

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What do a Bird Watcher and a Peeping Tom have in common?

They both loving hanging out in trees looking for Great Tits!

Two birds, who at once are stoned.

You wouldn't believe the things they're tweeting when they're high!

A double pun

Have you heard about the place way up North where birds stop flying North and start flying south?

It's where they make Arctic Terns.

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If you can kill 2 birds with one stone, How many can you kill with 5?

Half the fucking population



\#ThanosDidNothingWrong

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

They say stealth planes make your radar signature smaller, so you show up to the radar just like a small bird

"Sir, we think we've spotted a pigeon on the radar screen."

"Well what's unusual about that?"

"Well the pigeon is flying at about mach 2."

Netflix is making a sequel to Bird Box.

It's called Chicken McNuggets.

After hearing about this “bird box” challenge craze, I had to try it.

Vhjddb jkgfgg kbccv vdcs kllnd.

When birds fly in a 'v' formation, one side is always longer.

After millions of dollars and thousands of hours spent researching this phenomena, scientists believe they now know why. It's because one side has more birds than the other.

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

I killed 2 birds with one stone

Sadly, that's how I got fired from my job at the aviary

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Broke up with my gf because she liked birds too much...

her favorite being a cockatoo... at the same time.

2 Birds are arguing over what type of tree they are roosted in

The Whippoorwill insists its a Son of a Birch, the Cardinal insists its a Son of a Beech.

They ask their friend, a Woodpecker to settle their argument.

He responds, It's the finest piece of Ash i've ever stuck my pecker in

Having 12 pet birds sound a bit silly...

Dozen tit.

A bird walked into a bar for a drink.

The bartender says it's on the house.

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