What's the national bird of Syria?

American drone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.

I'm sorry.

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Do you know what the white stuff in bird poop is?

That's bird poop, too

What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

One day, my parents told me about the birds and the bees

"Son" they said, "birds do it, bees do it, so it's completely fine and natural for you to do it too. It's nothing to be ashamed of"

They were of course referring to my unfortunate habit of running face-first into windows.

I call my friends Dodo birds

Because they don't exist.

I am creating a video game about a bear and bird that hire a prostitute and then don't pay her.

I'm calling it "Banjo-Kazooie Nuts and Bolts"

Teacher: Give me an example of a bird that has wings but can not fly...

Student: A dead bird.

What did the bird army say when running away?

Retweet

If a stork is the bird of birth, what’s the bird of birth control?

A swallow

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What do a Bird Watcher and a Peeping Tom have in common?

They both loving hanging out in trees looking for Great Tits!

Did you hear about the bird that carried a leek?

Never mind, its too Farfetch'd.

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and scr...

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joke

Do you know why birds sing in the morning ?

Because they don't have to go to fucking work.

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

Have you heard about the place way up North where birds stop flying North and start flying south?

It's where they make Arctic Terns.

I understand that the dove is the "bird of peace" and the bald eagle is "strength and freedom", but I honestly can't get "true love"

The swallow :(

What type of bird is the craziest?

Ducks. Because they’re all Quacks.

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I suggested to a friend that we take up bird watching

He remained unconvinced until I showed him a photo of a nice pair of tits.

They say stealth planes make your radar signature smaller, so you show up to the radar just like a small bird

"Sir, we think we've spotted a pigeon on the radar screen."

"Well what's unusual about that?"

"Well the pigeon is flying at about mach 2."

Two birds, who at once are stoned.

You wouldn't believe the things they're tweeting when they're high!

A double pun

What does Black Panther say when he sees an unfamiliar bird?

Wakanda bird is this?

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk!

I saw a fat bird down the pub

And her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!

I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan."

She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!"

I said "Actually no, I wasn'...

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If you can kill 2 birds with one stone, How many can you kill with 5?

Half the fucking population

​

\#ThanosDidNothingWrong

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There once was a Native American who had only one testicle...

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will k...

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

If a bluebird has blue babies and a blackbird has black babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow.

When birds fly in a 'v' formation, one side is always longer.

After millions of dollars and thousands of hours spent researching this phenomena, scientists believe they now know why. It's because one side has more birds than the other.

A bird walked into a bar for a drink.

The bartender says it's on the house.

After hearing about this “bird box” challenge craze, I had to try it.

Vhjddb jkgfgg kbccv vdcs kllnd.

Netflix is making a sequel to Bird Box.

It's called Chicken McNuggets.

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

2 Birds are arguing over what type of tree they are roosted in

The Whippoorwill insists its a Son of a Birch, the Cardinal insists its a Son of a Beech.

They ask their friend, a Woodpecker to settle their argument.

He responds, It's the finest piece of Ash i've ever stuck my pecker in

I killed 2 birds with one stone

Sadly, that's how I got fired from my job at the aviary

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds

My friend keeps making bird puns so I said

Toucan play that game

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Can birds fly without feathers?

And who was the heartless bastard who tested this out?

Having 12 pet birds sound a bit silly...

Dozen tit.

If 2 black birds make a black bird and 2 blue birds make a blue bird, what makes no birds?

Swallows.

Everybody is doing the “Bird Box” challenge

I wish they would just do the “A Quiet Place” challenge and shut up

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Broke up with my gf because she liked birds too much...

her favorite being a cockatoo... at the same time.

My brother bullied a dyslexic bird carer.

How owl can you go?

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

What do you call a bunch of racist birds?

The coo clucks clan.

A heck of a bird is a Pelican

It's beak can hold more than its Bellycan

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do birds fly upside down over Alabama?

There is nothing there worth shitting on.

Why was the bird shop homicide difficult to solve?

Because it wasn't a parrot who did it.

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What should you be grateful for when a bird shits on your head?

That cows don’t have wings.

What did the ornithologist say about the depressed bird?

It's just a little emu

The Original Bird Box Challenge

Is Getting up to Pee at 4am

How do birds stop?

Air brakes.

The sun is singing, the birds are blazing, the trees are shouting...

I think I may have taken the wrong medication.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last night, I came all over my wife's tits.

She was furious this morning when she looked at the birdcage.

You must be one of the creatures from Bird Box.

Just the sight of you makes me want to kill myself.

One bird can't make a pun.

But toucan.

My flight was delayed from birds striking against the airliner.

Wtf birds, just do your job. What are they even paying you for??? I got a connection to make.

What do you call a ballistic device that only fires birds?

A catapoultry.

My friend had a dream of studying birds native to coastal regions before he died.

It's honestly really sad he never got to accomplish his Sea*goals*

The eagle was a bird of many skills.

One could say he was very talon-ted.

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue

until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

Did you hear about the young bird criminal mastermind?

They call him Artemis Fowl.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches in...

What do you call a mockingbird cooked in alcohol.

Tequila Mockingbird

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the man who gives birds blowjobs

.....he isn't gay, but he'd suck a cockatoo

A man walks into a bar with a blue bird of happiness on one shoulder and a leprachaun on the other

He walks up to the bar, hands over a thousand dollars, orders three scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and smashes t...

Do NOT, I repeat do NOT, make sick bird puns.

It's ill eagle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old one, but I've never seen it on this sub...

A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle. "This is a serious crime," says the judge. "What do you have to say in your defense?"



"Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me. I was trapped in the wilderness for days. I s...

What type of crime does a bird commit?

Breaking and enter-wing

What would Dwane Johnson be if he transformed into a giant mythical bird?

He’d be The Roc.

My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage.

It was a tern for the wurst.

I just told my kid about the birds and the bees

He told me about his mom and the mailman

I'm addicted to freezing birds

I wanna quit cold turkey.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a tropical bird expert and a pornstar have in common?

They both know how to handle a cockatoo.

Got vaccinated, avoided swine flues. Got vaccinated, avoided bird flues. Then I bought a house with two fireplaces.

Got chimney flues.

Have you heard of the rare oomigoolie bird?

Shortly after it learns to fly, it sheds its legs.

This means that every time it lands you hear the distinctive call of "Ooh me goolies!"

I released a flock of birds at my friend's wedding, just like they asked, but now they aren't speaking to me.

How was i supposed to know ostriches weren't an acceptable choice?

[Possibly OC] What do you get when you cross a bird with a vegetable?

Asparrowgus

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ever hear about the girl who was sexually into birds?

She sucked a cockatoo

What is the power to move sea birds with your mind called?

Pelicanesis

Have you heard the one about the parrot?

Have you heard the one about the parrot that memorized the entire Bible?




Yeah, appearently the bird is the word.

What do you call a pair of exotic birds that eat other birds?

Toucannibals

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bird is flying south for the winters

It freezes mid-flight and falls down on the snow in a farm. A cow passing by takes pity on it and shits on it to keep it warm.

After few minutes the bird regains consciousness because of the warmth and starts chirping.

A cat hears it, picks it out of the shit, cleans it and eats it....

I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself...

"i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"

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A bird pooped and it landed on the man’s face.

Man: Such a blessing, Thank God, elephants don’t fly.

A man went to a pet store to buy a bird cage.

Man: Is this birdcage made of nickel?

Pet Store Employee: It's aluminum, I think.

Man: So there's no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store Employee: Not that I'm aware of.

Man: So this is nickeless cage? Cool!

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

What happens when a Norwegian robot scans a bird?

It Scandanavian

What's a bird's favorite drug?

Crowcaine

What do you call a fiery bird that can’t fly?

A Joaquin Phoenix

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Sometimes I think I’m just like a bird,

I love to shit on cars

Patient: So, do you think me being hard of hearing has contributed to my bird phobia?

Doctor: maybe a smidgen.
Patient: WHAT?!? WHERE?!?