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Bird Jokes

One bird can't finish an entire bowl of Fruit Loops...

...but Toucan.

No single bird can defeat me.

But Toucan.

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

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God: "Adam, I'll let you name the birds"

Adam: "Tit"

God: "Uhh ok"

Adam: "Boobie"

God: "Stop naming them after breasts"

Adam: *Looks at rooster*

Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it ...

From my eight year old daughter: What is the strongest bird?

A crane.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights?

A chicken

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What’s the difference between a boring bird and an ancient dildo?

One’s a woodpecker and the other’s a wood pecker.

Bad bird

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,...

I've decided to save money on cat food by getting a bird bath.

Don't @ me. Predators and water go together in nature. Alligators and swamps. Sharks and oceans. Catholic priests and baptism fonts.

What's the national bird of Syria

A US drone

What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-crows

For Sale: Dead Bird

Won't go cheep

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

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A man walks into a pet shop looking for a new bird

He sees a parrot in a cage with a tag reading "$10", the man asks, "why is he so cheap?", he then heard "Because I'm defective, I've got no legs." Surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the b...

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Everyone loves birds, but men and women have different favorite species of birds

For instance. Men have falcons, eagles, vultures etc as their favorite

But women have great tits.

Patio Birds

A poultry obsessed wife brings home two baby geese and promptly sets up their coop, pool, and feed on the back patio, stating they would be more comfortable there. She spends hours outside tending to, cooing at, and cuddling them… to the point of annoyance with her husband.

One day he decide...

What do you call a bird at the North Pole?

A Brrrrrrrrd.

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

Circus and imitating birds

A man comes to the circus director and says he would like to work there.
- What are your special skills? - the director asks.
- I can imitate birds - the man replies.
- Sorry, but we already have someone who imitates birds - the director responds.
- Oh dear, that's a pity! - sighs the ma...

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What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.

I'm sorry.

A bird bit me.

Owl.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

It’s too far to walk.

What’s the bird that symbolizes…

What’s the bird that symbolizes peace?

The Dove.

What’s the bird that symbolizes death?

The Raven.

What’s the bird that symbolizes True Love?

The Swallow.

Why do we call birds flying over the sea seagulls?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels !!

So my bird died

So I bought this Canary bird some time ago and it kept picking at my blinds which was costing me hundreds to continually replace.

I go to the vet and ask for advice.

The vet tells me to file off the birds beak ever so slightly, but that if I file it off too far it will not be able to p...

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Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the ...

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Stone and birds...

There was a native American once named 'One Stone' because he was born with
one testicle. He hated his name. He proclaimed if anyone ever called him that again, he would take their life.

One day a young woman named 'Bluebird' forgot and called him '1 stone'. He made love to her until she d...

A lady and her foul mouthed bird

So a lady just recently lost her husband and is feeling lonely, so she decided to get a pet, she goes to the pet store and gets a parrot, she bring a it home and it keeps saying the most awful rude and hateful things, she goes back to the pet store and tells the manager, “Hey, my bird is saying such...

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can tweet.

What kind of bird doesn't get pregnant?

A swallow

What kind of bird wears a little skirt?

A tutu-can.

Two birds are trying to screw a lightbulb in

One bird goes to the other “How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
The other bird replies, “Well I’m pretty sure Toucan”.

What do you call a bird that hits the gym?

A jacked sparrow!

The farmer and the bird

2 farmers were on other sides of one fence. 1 former shot down a bird and it landed on the other farmers side. The first farmer goes up to the second and says “this is my bird, I killed it so I should get it” the second farmer says “no it landed on my property it’s legally mine” the first farmer res...

what birds make the best pirates?

robins!!!

What birds make the best accountants?

Flamingos. They're real good at balancing.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

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A bird wondered if he was gay...

so he tried a cockatoo

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed...

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed and with a straight face I asked the nice young lady that worked there:

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE THE BIRDS TO GROW ONCE I PLANT THESE SEEDS?

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Did you know Liberace was a bird lover?

He once said, “I’ve never hugged a parrot, but I’ve kissed a cockatoo!”

I went to the backyard this morning and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

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What do you do if a bird shits on your head?

Don’t go out on a second date with her

Learning the birds and bees

A little girl goes to her mother and tells her she learned how babies are made. Her mother asks her what she learned.

"A boy puts his peepee in a girls mouth, and a baby is made."

"Oh, sweetie!" replies the mother, "That's not how babies are made. That's how jewelry is made."

What do vegans get instead of bird flu?

Toflu

What can a bird do that a man can’t?

Eat with their pecker

Bird Impression

A traveling sideshow puts up a help wanted ad. A guy gets all excited and applies.

The sideshow owner brings him in for an interview and asks, "Ok, what's your talent? What can you do for me?"

The guy says "I do a really great bird impression!"

The owner responds, "Pff, no thank...

Have you guys heard about the bird flu?

I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.

What's the difference between the USA and a bird?

On a bird, the left wing and the right wing work together to benefit the whole bird.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!

(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)

Big Bird walks into a bar

Big Bird walks into a gritty bar off Sesame Street and sits all alone and orders a beer. "Sometimes I just feel left out by all my peers. You know, all alone," he complains to the bartender. "I guess I just feel ostrich sized."

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My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

Why was the big bird sitting all alone?

He was ostrich sized.

What did the dad say when he saw the parliament was full of birds?

This is a parliament most fowl indeed...

What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The ton of feathers because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

My pet bird was frantically tweeting so I gave him some food.

How he signed up for that Twitter account I’ll never know.

I keep telling a joke about a bird that's always flying.

It never lands.

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What do you call a bird with a small dick?

A peacock

what's the difference between a bird and a wife

One is definitely named a swallow
and one definitely won't swallow

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It’s a bird… errr

A mother and her young son were traveling to school early one morning when they unexpectedly got behind a garbage truck.

After following the garbage truck for a little bit there was trash occasionally falling out of the back of the truck. All of a sudden a giant purple dildo came flying out ...

We have just got a bird of prey that will only move at night to 80’s music…

Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

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The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The wor...

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Wife and I making bird puns in bed

We were laying in bed, when I looked over and said "hey make like a bird and swallow this dick!" She smiled and pulled my pajama bottoms off. I closed my eyes awaiting bliss, when all of a sudden she repeatedly head butts my dick. After scrambling away and gasping in pain, I looked at her and exclai...

Did you know that birds like hawks and falcons can commonly be found at churches?

That's because they're birds of pray.

A sheriff gets a call regarding a group of suspicious birds gathered along the highway.

So he drives to the reported location and sure enough there’s a group of about 15 vultures all huddled in a circle just off the right lane. The sheriff gets out and walks over to the birds to see what they’re up to. As he approaches he calls out “hey fellas, mind if I ask what this meetings about?” ...

What bird never sings the lyrics to a song?

A hummingbird.

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If you can kill two birds with one stone...

...they were probably fucking.

(Also: if the knife cuts both ways, why not call it a dagger?)

A bird tried to sell me some leaves

It said: ‘Come on, they’re very cheep cheep!’

A mummy calls a restauraunt.

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

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"What a lovely pair of Blue Tits" said one Bird Watcher to the other

"Will you please shut up!" shouted everyone else at the Avatar 2 screening

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What's the difference between a bird and a politician?

One shits on people from great heights and the other flies through the air

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. ...

Did you hear about KFC's Easter promo, a free baby bird with purchase?

A moist owlet with every meal!

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A guy walks into a bird shop

“Hey, tell me about that parrot” he asks the manager.

“Oh, this is a marvelous bird” the manager says, “beautiful plumage, and it even knows a dozen different words!”

“Great - how much is it?”

“$2,000”

“Oh geez. Well how about this other bird?”

“Oh that’s a very sp...

Why are flightless birds so calm?

They're unflappable.

If I had a drop of beer for every time I made a bird pun..

I'd have toucans.

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

I was walking through the park I saw an old man feeding some birds

I thought to myself "I wonder how long he's been dead"

I saw a bird telling jokes by the pond

It was a silly goose

What do politicians, drug addicts and birds have in common?

They all have friends in high places.

What happens when you kiss a bird?

You get chirpies

It's a canarial disease

There's no tweetment

The Chomp Bird

A man wants to get his wife a unique gift, so he goes to an exotic pet store, and asks the owner, "What's the rarest thing you have in here?" After showing him large snakes, colorful lizards, and strange rodents, the man still seems unimpressed. "Got anything rarer than these?" The man asked.
...

What’s the Ukrainian national bird?

Duck

I have a smart kid. I told him about the birds and bees

And he told me about my wife and the butcher!

Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?

In a communest

I just got tackled in a game of football by a bird.

It was a fowl.

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How does a bird masturbate?

They wing it

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What do you do if a bird craps on your car?

Never take *her* out on a date again!

Bird Joke

A bottle of water can't quench the thirst of a bird but Tou-can

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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What's the white stuff in bird shit?

That's bird shit too

What does a bird say to another bird?

Oiseaup

There's a name for a group of racist birds

It's called the Coo Clucks Clan

"There are three birds in this tree..."

"...one of them I know will peck, one possibly can peck and one is meant to peck but refuses."

"What species?"

"A would-pecker, a could-pecker and a should-pecker."

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