UPJOKE
parrotwingfowlkingfisherhummingbirdowlseabirdfeatheralbatrossvultureseagullostrichflamingobeaksparrow

If the Stork is the bird that delivers babies...

then the bird that prevents them must be the Swallow

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

No single bird can defeat me.

But Toucan.

I went to the backyard this morning and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you can kill two birds with one stone...

...they were probably fucking.

(Also: if the knife cuts both ways, why not call it a dagger?)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pet shop looking for a new bird

He sees a parrot in a cage with a tag reading "$10", the man asks, "why is he so cheap?", he then heard "Because I'm defective, I've got no legs." Surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the b...

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can tweet.

A bird bit me.

Owl.

I just got tackled in a game of football by a bird.

It was a fowl.

Do look at the funny thing that man's got over his face. Is it a bird cage?

Said the young woman at her first baseball game.

Friend: "Not exactly. It's to keep the fouls out."



Source: 1913 Newpaper

What do you call two birds stuck together?

Vel-crow

What bird never sings the lyrics to a song?

A hummingbird.

What bird is too afraid to fly?

CHICKEN!

Why was the big bird sitting all alone?

He was ostrich sized.

Big Bird walks into a bar

Big Bird walks into a gritty bar off Sesame Street and sits all alone and orders a beer. "Sometimes I just feel left out by all my peers. You know, all alone," he complains to the bartender. "I guess I just feel ostrich sized."

If birds that fly over the sea are called seagulls, what do you call birds that fly over the Keys?

Kegels.

Have you guys heard about the bird flu?

I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.

From my eight year old daughter: What is the strongest bird?

A crane.

Blonde and Brunette are walking on the road.The Brunette says “Look, a dead bird.”

The blonde looks up in the sky, “WHERE,!WHERE?”

What do politicians, drug addicts and birds have in common?

They all have friends in high places.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bird with a small dick?

A peacock

What do you get when you cross an early bird and a night owl?

Shut the f up, I only got 2 hours of sleep last night!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a boring bird and an ancient dildo?

One’s a woodpecker and the other’s a wood pecker.

When people see Superman flying they always ask "Is it a bird? Is it a plane?" Why can't they recognise him?

>! Because he's in d' skies !<

Why are flightless birds so calm?

They're unflappable.

A bird tried to sell me some leaves

It said: ‘Come on, they’re very cheep cheep!’

if the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of love?

The swallow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you do if a bird craps on your car?

Never take *her* out on a date again!

What do you call a flying nun?

A bird? A plane?

Nope, nun of the above

I saw a bird telling jokes by the pond

It was a silly goose

What did the tropical bird say when he was asked to help operate an industrial machine?

"Don't worry, one bird usually can't operate this machine on his own.

But toucan."

A friend of mine has nocturnal birds of prey nesting in his barn.

I'm getting owl-ly updates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

You know how this time of year birds fly south in those V shapes, but one side of V is longer than the other? Know why that is?

More birds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I go to a tattoo parlor and try to pay them with a bird

Would that be a Tit for a Tat?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

A pirate walked into a bar.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I g...

I remember my uncle giving me my first talk about the birds & the bees.

He said - "Bees make honey & birds lay eggs.

I finally sat down with my teenage daughter and had a chat about "The Birds and the Bees."

I learned a lot.

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten sheets over each bird and only the legs showing...

... He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They...

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and swine flu you need oinkment.

At the beach house, we had a major problem with sea birds. I started throwing rocks at them.

I left no Tern unstoned.

Everyone thinks that doves are the bird of love. You know what the true bird of love is?

The swallow.

A man applies for a job at the circus

“What can you do?” asks the owner

“Really good bird impressions”

“Sorry we’ve got someone who can do those already”

“Oh well” said the man sadly, as he flew out of the tent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

Warning: Lawyer joke ahead

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator ...

One good tern deserves another

Arctic terns, birds long famous for their thousands of miles migratory habits, have been profoundly affected by climate change. Researchers have determined that as landmarks have disappeared due to loss of ice, some terns get stressed to the point of prematurely ending their flights.

Exposur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s a bird… errr

A mother and her young son were traveling to school early one morning when they unexpectedly got behind a garbage truck.

After following the garbage truck for a little bit there was trash occasionally falling out of the back of the truck. All of a sudden a giant purple dildo came flying out ...

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any test...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know why everyone got so upset today when a bird stole my sandwich.

All I said was, "Fuck you, crane!"

"There are three birds in this tree..."

"...one of them I know will peck, one possibly can peck and one is meant to peck but refuses."

"What species?"

"A would-pecker, a could-pecker and a should-pecker."

What did the bird say when it flew over the 2 THRIFTY people?

CHEEP CHEEP!!!

You know what they say about picking up baby birds...

He who pick up tiny bird acquires small pecker

Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?

Apparently he got it from a cardinal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

What did my wondering eyes behold.

After a brutal late Autumn wind storm I noticed that my young Elm tree had finally lost all of its leaves in preparation for the cold snowy winter ahead. I smiled to my self realizing how nature helps all creatures prepare for the coming seasonal changes. But then my gaze was drawn to a red shotgu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a bird and a politician?

One shits on people from great heights and the other flies through the air

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!

(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

What kind of bird doesn't get pregnant?

A swallow

There's a name for a group of racist birds

It's called the Coo Clucks Clan

Dad goes to his son and says "a little bird told me you're smoking cigarettes"...

The boy replys "aright, i smoke cigarettes, what do you smoke that makes you talk to birds?"

There was a recall on bird food but most places are offering a refund if you return it.

It strikes me as odd that they would encourage you to give bad feed back.

What language do Brazilian birds speak?

Portugeese.

I killed two birds with one stone today

I am now banned from my local zoo.

Can I get an F in chat for my pet rock?

Had to have Sylvester put down today for killing two birds.

What happens when you kiss a bird?

You get chirpies

It's a canarial disease

There's no tweetment

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. They approach the most difficult water hole on the course.

Moses steps up and puts his drive straight into the hazard. He calmly walks to the edge of the pond and raises his club. The waters part, Moses walks down to his ball, and chips it onto the green.

Jesus, up next, also sends his drive into the drink. He calmly walks out over the water, loc...

What’s the Ukrainian national bird?

Duck

What do you call a sick bird trying to get across the border?

An illegal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

A bat in China didn't start covid. It came from a sick bird stuck in the landing gear of an international flight...

...an ill-eagle immigrant.

Why do Australians laugh at flightless birds?

They find them Emu-sing

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?

>!it might be an illeagle!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

A bunch of different birds are chilling in a large group when

Another type of bird comes out of nowhere. "sorry lads I've just arrived from europe!" says the bird,

"Ukraine?" askes another. "Nah mate I'm a pelican"

What do you call a person who has a good time with birds and feathers?

A Pheasant Plucker.

And to all you dyslexics out there, they are also enjoyable lovers.

They say the asteroid killed all the dinosaurs.

You could say it killed many birds with one stone.

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

Medieval Yo Mama joke

Saw this joke today, it’s from the 1400’s

A young Florentine was going down to River Arno with one of
those nets in which they wash wool, and met a frolicsome boy,
who, out of fun, asked him what birds he was going to catch with
that net of his? "I am going to the Brothel's outlet,"...

John's special skill

John says to his friend 'I'm an expert at identifying birds!'

So his friend shows him a photo of a Spix's Macaw, and asks him to identify it.

To which John replies 'Oh that's definitely a bird.'

\*guffaws\*

Hang-glider

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.

Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight.

He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!
<...

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

For erotic, you use a feather - for kinky, it's the whole bird.

A cross-eyed guy put a cross-eyed bird into a cage

He missed the cage and placed him outside, and the bird being cross-eye missed flying away and flew into the cage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Did you hear that somebody killed a majority of the birds?

It’s a murder of most fowl

What do you call an invasive species that happens to be a bird?

Illegal Avian.

The atheist and the bear

One day, an atheist man was walking through the woods. He was a proud atheist, never skipping the opportunity to mock those of faith for their ignorance and blindness to reality. He was enjoying his stroll through nature.
All of a sudden, there was a loud crashing behind him. He turned to look an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

birds are the only animals who can get anything done!

They got friends in high places

My friend spent Valentine's Day with her bird.

I said if she likes it then she shoulda put a wing on it.

That's why she prefers the bird.

\[This is all true.\]

The Oklahoma D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently.

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colou...

My uncle got lost on his bird hunting expedition

He took a wrong tern

I bought a bag of bird seed almost 2 months ago.

Anyone know how long it takes for the bird to grow?

Why did Russia assemble an army of female sheep and wading birds at the border?

They were preparing for a ewe-crane invasion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a bird masturbate?

They wing it

My wife left me for a bird, and still got sole custody of the kids

Judge said it wouldn't be right to make them leave the nest so soon

How do you turn ham into a bird?

Leave it out for a week until it turns fowl

A teacher to her students,

"Lets talk about associate, or association. It means things that go together. You can associate plants with soil, and birds with trees. Now, can anyone tell me what we can associate with fish? Yes, Tommy?"

Tommy: "Chips!"



Source: Adapated from a joke in a 1913 newspaper

What kind of bird becomes fluffy and absorbent if you put tea in front of it?

An owl.

I asked my father where babies come from. He said son, someday I will tell you about the birds and the bees.

One day I saw a bird eat a bee and never asked again

The Chomp Bird

A man wants to get his wife a unique gift, so he goes to an exotic pet store, and asks the owner, "What's the rarest thing you have in here?" After showing him large snakes, colorful lizards, and strange rodents, the man still seems unimpressed. "Got anything rarer than these?" The man asked.
...

Did you hear about the bird collector who didn't buy enough soda for his party?

His guests were disappointed that he only had Toucans

How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Toucan!

My Vietnamese friend killed two birds with one stone

I guess that’s a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

What would Harper Lee do if she had to make a bird laugh?

Tickle a mockingbird.

Doctors

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck, shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks thro...

What has 4 legs and can fly?

2 birds

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.