If you see a bunch of big black birds

Don't automatically assume it's a murder of crows.

You can't have a murder without probable caws.

Guy: I am great at indentifying birds

Friend: ok, what are those on that tree?
Guy: yes, they are all birds.

One bird can't finish an entire bowl of Fruit Loops...

...but Toucan.

Why don’t birds wear underwear?

Their pecker is on their face.

What's the quiet kids' favourite bird?

The desert eagle.

How much soda can a tropical bird drink?

Tucans

What do you call a dead bird on the road?

A goosebump.

Why do cops hate sick birds?

Because they're ill eagles.

What happens if you kiss a bird?

You get chirpies. But it’s okay because it tweetable!

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....

so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.

Why are birds so hard to identify?

Because they are always in da sky’s.

what do you call birds that stick together?

velcrows.

If a stork is the bird that brings babies, then what is the bird that prevents babies?

A swallow

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

I always wondered why bird flying in V formation would have one side longer than the other...

Turns out it's because there are more birds on that side.

Why couldn’t the bird fly?

Because it was “too chicken”

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Wife and I making bird puns in bed

We were laying in bed, when I looked over and said "hey make like a bird and swallow this dick!" She smiled and pulled my pajama bottoms off. I closed my eyes awaiting bliss, when all of a sudden she repeatedly head butts my dick. After scrambling away and gasping in pain, I looked at her and exclai...

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

Why do birds sing in the morning?

Because they don't have to go to work.

Ever since we got married my wife has been working on her bird impressions...

She watches me like a hawk.

Is it a bird? Is a plane?...

I'm not sure but I think I've failed my eye test

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Life’s like a bird,

it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.

This Egyptian bird was giving me trouble...

...talking about life and death and the afterlife, threatening me and demanding sacrifices.

When I'd had enough I yelled: "Begone, Thoth!"

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My exotic bird is a jerk. He shit on my bagel today, so I shit on his cage

Toucan play that game

If a dove is a bird of peace, what is a bird of true love?

A swallow.

What's the first sign that you have caught bird flu?

Fowl symptoms.

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Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?

“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”

“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird

next door.”

What do you call a sick border crossing bird

An ill-eagle immigrant

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A bird shit on my car last night...

I won’t be taking her out again.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

What do emo birds call their mouths?

What do emo birds call their mouths?

Bleaks

How big does a bird have to be in order to be considered an outcast?

Ostrichsized

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Got woken up at half-past four this morning again, by this bird on my windowsill.

I've decided to name it Donald.


Never stops fucking tweeting.

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Little birds

A little girl was walking by the shore when she see a nude man laying in a chair. Out of curiosity, she pointed at his penis and asked “ mister, mister what is that?” . He replied “ that is my little bird. Now go away so I can take my afternoon nap “.

Four hour later, the man wake up from hi...

Early bird gets the worm? True...

... but the second mouse gets the cheese.

What bird helps prevent pregnancy ?

The Swallow

What was Vladimir Lenin’s favorite bird?

the Common Tern

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“none, the others would fly away.”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“the answer is 4 but I like the way you think.”

Bɪʟʟʏ- “miss I have a question. There are 3 women eating ice-cream. 1 licking, 1 biting, 1 sucking. Which one is married?”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ(nervously)-“the one sucking.”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“ no mis...

What did the tropical bird say when the monkey stole his fruit?

Toucan play at that game.

How many birds can fit into a cage at once?

Toucan

How do you catch a unique bird?

U nique up on it...

My mother dies laughing every time she tells this joke.

What did a disgruntled Lil Jon say to the pet shop owner when he asked him what kind of bird he wanted?

par Aww Skeet Skeet God Damn!

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these" and then ...

What do you call a nocturnal bird that preys on bulges?

an OwOwl

If a Dove is the 'Bird Of Peace' then what's the 'Bird Of True Love'?

The Swallow

What did Tweety Bird say when Kat Von D flashed him?

Ooh! I think I saw a tiddy tat!

What do you call two birds in love?

Tweethearts

With no sports on tv, I'm watching birds fight over worms in the yard...

Only time the Orioles have had a winning record.

Do you know what kind of bird doesn't fly on fridays?

A one that died on Thursday...

What fuel do birds use to fly?

Geesel

What bird regals you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?

Bard owl.

Did you hear about the two early birds who were about to catch the worm?

They got killed by one stone.

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I saw a bird of prey having a shit in the woods

It looked at me and told me to fuck off.
I think it had irritable owl syndrome.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's.........

My dad's belt! ^Oh ^shit

Corona Virus has spread to species of birds

It now infects bat man and robin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the woman who lived alone with her bird?

She’s had a cockatoo over the years, but never a husband.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Scots call ladies "Birds" ?

Because they've seen a Cockatoo aye?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys chatting about what they would call their wife if she a was a bird.

1st Guy: My wife would be a Robin, she is always flitting here there and everywhere, making sure everything is tidy.

2nd Guy: My wife would be a Golden Eagle, always on the hunt for food to feed the family.

3rd Guy: My wife would be a thrush. She's an irritating cunt.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

How much soda do you have to drink before it tastes like birds?

Toucans

Why do humming birds hum?

Because they don't know the words.

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

What to birds take when they have a headache?

Parrotcetamol.

Taking Your Bird on Holiday

What’s the most convenient bird to take in hand luggage when flying?




A carrion crow.


I’ll see myself out.

I told my son about the birds and the bees.

He told me about my wife and the butcher.

What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? –

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

What did the bird planning revolution say?

Coup, coup!

What do you call the bird after the 18th crow on a telephone line?

Corvid-19

What normal bird has the strength to lift a steel beam?

A crane.

Did you guys hear about the chicken farmer who had a tornado go throw the birds' shelter?

He's afraid he'll never be able to recoup his losses

What did the bird say to the conspiracy theorist?

Nothing, birds aren't real

Last week I x-rayed a bird in Norway.

Yep. Scanned an avian.

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

Just started a business selling birds. The profits are brilliant.

So far I have sold some homing pigeons 25 times this week already.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up this morning at 9:30, made coffee, stepped out for the day's first cigarette, and was greeted by a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining the birds were singing...

Then I ripped ass like a bologna windmill slapping a tile floor.

What kind of birds write letters?

***Pen-guins!***

Finally watching One Piece and just saw tiny Buggy the Clown get spit out by a bird that tried to eat him.

I guess he tasted funny.

When I was a kid, my dad and I went to the zoo to see the birds.

I loved birds as a kid, and really wanted one as a pet. I would spend hours looking through picture books about birds, studying their plumage, learning all that I could. So when the day came that my dad took me to the zoo to see the bird enclosure, I was really excited.

I had read about the...

My bird hospital was shut down by the city.

They said it was due to ill eagle activity.

A bird goes up to a cashier and wants to get drinks for him and his friend, what does he say?

Toucans please

What has four legs and can fly?

Two birds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a telegraph pole on which birds tend to sit and defecate

It's a shitty post.

There were two birds, one named Pete and the other named Repeat. If Pete flew away, who would be left?

Repeat.

Ok, So there were two birds...

My parents allways warned me to never ho through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before...

Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.

Gee, I wonder if SARS-CoV-2 mutated to the point where it could infect birds...

I guess you could call the disease it causes "CO*R*VID-19," eh?

My little bird.. Enza

I once had a bird..
It's name was Enza.

Wanna know how i got it?
I opened the window.. anddddd..
In-Flew-Enza!

What cult is run by birds?

The Coo Clucks Clan

What do you call a blue bird who’s got run over by a lawn mower?

Shredded tweet



I’ll show myself out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little johnny learns about the birds and the bee's

Saturday morning little Johnny wakes up and as he is about to go to the living room to watch Saturday morning cartoons he hears loud noise coming from down the hall. He follows the sound which brings him to his parents bedroom. Curious about what the noise is he slowly opens his parents bedroom door...

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Moses and Jesus are playing golf.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits a beautiful shot 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hooks the ball into the trees.

Jesus looks up into the heavens, raises his arms, and suddenly the sky darkens. A thunder clap rings out, rain pours dow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, the man says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of lager please"

The ostrich says "and I'll have the same"

The cat then says "Gin & tonic for me, but I'm not paying!"

The bartender looks a bit perplexed but announces ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Winter is here and our native birds are having difficulty finding food. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for them.

There is no finer sight on a winter’s morning than a pair of tits round your nut sack; however it’s a bit early to expect a swallow.

It was Tracy's first day at the aviary

And she was put in charge of the cassowary enclosure. She only looked away for a second, but that was enough time for one of them to escape! Tracy looked back and saw a flurry of wings and feathers as the great beast fled the area. She chased after it and heard in the distance a great commotion and ...

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How did my sister and I get our names?"

NSFW.

One day a young Native American boy asked his father how he and his sister got their names.

His dad told the boy, "when a child is born someone from the family looks outside and names the child after the first thing they see."

"So that's why sister's name is singing blue b...

A concerned airplane passenger asked me if I heard about bird strikes.

I honestly didn’t think they could carry signs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Been a year of lifeless scrolling on reddit so here's a classic to celebrate it : )

The priest in a small village loved the rooster he kept in the house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the bird and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the...

I was throwing oranges at tropical birds.

One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bird that beats the shit out of her husband?

Amber Bird.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette stranded on a magic cliff.

This cliff is magical because when you jump off, you can become anything you say.

The three girls want to escape so the brunette jumps off and yells, “paper airplane!” She turns into one and flies away.

The redhead jumps off and says, “Bird!” She becomes a red bird and flies away...

People are laughing at my bird jokes now

My career is really starting to...

































Take flight

God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome

God: *creates birds*

What is the equivalent of 2,000 mocking birds?

2 kilomockingbirds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men have died and are at heaven's gate in front of Saint Peter

^((I only heard it in German, hope I translated it ok))

Saint Peter says "I'm sorry, we're a little short on space here, so we have a new policy. We only let people in who died in an interesting way." He then points to the first man and asks "so, how did you die?"

The first man starts,...

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

My wife thinks our neighbor owns tropical birds.

Ever since I said I liked her two cans.

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently...

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the dead crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT the Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from ...

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