Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. ...

Why don't birds recognize each other?

They are in da skies.

What do you call a bird who's always spying on people?

A cheeping Tom.

Who collects the souls of dead birds?

The Grim Cheeper.

What do you call a bird with a sinus infection?

A phlegmingo

How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?

Tucan

I tried to open up a flightless bird zoo business.

But it never took off.

A bird shat on me once

I dumped her immediately

What’s the difference between a fly and a bird?

A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird.

What bird flocks in threes?

A triangull

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Every time a bird shits on my car.

I eat scrambled eggs on my porch to show them ass holes what I’m capable of.

My uncle: a little bird told me you are doing drugs.

Me: you're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?

I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big

He was ostrich-sized :/

What does a Bird use to open a locked door

Crowbar

What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?

Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment

What do you call a bird so sick, it's breaking the law?

Ill eagle

I have a bird feeder in the garden.

It also works as a cat feeder.

Look! Up highest in the sky! Is it the biggest bird? Is it the biggest plane? No!

It's a Superlative

An Athiest in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

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I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

What do you call a bird that doesn’t want to fly?

Chicken

What do you call a bird that protects its king?

A knight owl.

Europeans have been testing aircraft engines against bird strikes for a long while, using a cannon which launched (deceased, obviously) chickens at the aeroplane.

Eventually, the Americans decided they needed to test their engines tbe same way. So they brought a device over and started testing. No matter how resilient they made the engines, they always failed. After months of testing, they gave up and sent for a European engineer to advise on what wad wrong.<...

Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.

Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.

What do you get when you cross a bird with a lawn mower?

Shredded tweet.

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

What type of bird gives the best head?

A swallow

It was the ‘bring your pet to school’ day today, there were a lot of birds

Weirdly enough most of them were desert eagles!

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

People who eat endangered birds...

...will die lonely and full of egret.

My friend challenged me to finish his bird drawing. He had already drawn the head, torso and legs.

To be honest, I just winged it.

What kind of bird struggles to take off?

A Velcrow

Opening a pet shop specialized only in Birds and marine animals

Calling it fish & chirps

My friend keeps sending me bird puns

He doesn't realise toucan play that game

Why do birds fly to warmer climates in the winter?

Because it is easier than walking! I'm so sorry guys.

What kind of bird always forgets the words to songs?

A Hummingbird.

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Did you know that all birds die directly after they have sex?

Well at least the one I fucked did..

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Once there was a little bird that was migrating south for the winter. But he was a little late and the cold froze him. Frozen he crashed into an open field where he waited for death.

As he lay there waiting for death a cow passed him by and shat on him. The warmth of the shit started to thaw him and he felt warm and good. He knew he would live and started to sing in happiness.

Meanwhile, a nearby cat heard the singing and arrived where the bird lay to investigate. The cat...

How do you catch a rare bird?

Unique up on em!

If the eagle is the bird of war and the dove is the bird of Love ! What is the bird of true love ?

The Swallow!

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

One bird can't make you happy

But toucan

I heard you like making bird jokes

Well, toucan play at that game

The early bird gets the worm

But the second mouse gets the cheese

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A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Anyone else confused by these new sexual metaphors?

Two birds decide to pull a bank heist

Well... One was a chicken.

The other was Robin.

What do you call a baby goth bird?

An emo chick.

Credits to u/jasperatu for inspiration.

What's the sickest bird in the world?

A Phlegmingo

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A black man and a bird walk into a bar.

The bartender said "What a beauty! Where did you get him?"
The bird replied "Africa."

What's a thots favourite bird?

A swallow

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There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Bl...

What country has the most birds?

Turkey

You think birds are scary?

Imagine Dragons.

What a wonderful bird, the Pelican.

His mouth can hold more than his belican.

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How many dicks can a bird take at the same time?

A Cockatoo

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What do birds get if they have unprotected sex?

Cherppies!

Do you know why that's really bad?

Their un-tweetable!

If a black bird brings black babies and a white bird brings white babies. What kind of bird brings no babies?

Swallows

Why can't you breed a bird of prey with an eel?

Because it's eeleagle.

What do you calls a mathematicians bird that won’t eat ?

A polynomial

"If there are 5 birds sitting on a tree branch...

And a hunter shoots 2, how many will there be left?" Is what teacher Karen asks Johnny.

Johnny: 0, because all birds will fly away when they hear gunshots!

Karen: Well no, actually it's 3 but I do like your reasoning.

Johnny: Okay, so now I've got a question for you. There are 3...

Never kiss a bird

You might end up with chripes. Which is a canareal disease, that isn't tweetable.

A bird and weed story

In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Terns would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned.

What does a bird say to another bird?

Oiseaup

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It’s said the person you love should complete you. If you’re an introvert, they’re an extrovert. If they’re responsible, you’re carefree. If they’re a night owl, you’re an early bird.

As a dude with no ass I can get down with this.

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What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.

I'm sorry.

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Have you ever had a bird?

Because it looks like you might enjoy a cock or two.

Idk about you guys but my parents never taught me about "the birds and the bees."

So when it came down to doing it, I had no idea how to extract honey from a beehive

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.

So far, it's been seven owls and fifteen jays.......

What does the cat in bird mask say?

Me owl

Bird is the word.

I had a parrot. He swore up and down, all the time. I tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t listen. F this and that, b word, c word, you name it. One day I finally had enough and I said that I’m going to stick him in the freezer to cool off if he doesn’t “cool it” with the foul language.

...

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

What do you call a house filled with birds

A burden

We live in such an uncaring society. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds

After a while I thought to myself: “I wonder how long he’s been dead?”

Your duck is dead.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

Time flies when you name your bird after seasoning.

I am aware that the correct spelling is thyme

Have you ever heard of bird west?

It’s just one of the cardinal directions.

What's a Mexicans favorite book?

Tequila mocking bird

Edna always loved the birds

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to t...

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My wife says if I don’t stop making bird puns she is going to withhold sex...

...but she can keep her tits to herself. Eventually she will want my cock and she’ll find that toucan play that game.

A flock of birds walk into a bar, look around, then head for the door.

Bartender says, “Hey, what’s the matter?”

One of the birds says, “oh, it's just that this place looked seedier on the outside.”

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Why do birds have feathers?

To cover their butt-quacks.

..dad jokes for life!

He refused to act like a bird.

I pointed my gun at him and insisted.

But he was unflappable.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

Do you know why birds sing in the morning?

Because they don’t have to go to work!

You know how birds fly in V-formation and one side always looks longer? You know why that is?

More birds on that side.

What do you call a bird looking at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad

What do you call a bird without a green card?

An illeagle

What's the same with a bird and a baby?

They both die when you leave them in the washing machine

How do birds learn to fly?

They just wing it.

What should a bird nourish its chick with to ensure it's proper development?

Redbull

One day, my parents told me about the birds and the bees

"Son" they said, "birds do it, bees do it, so it's completely fine and natural for you to do it too. It's nothing to be ashamed of"

They were of course referring to my unfortunate habit of running face-first into windows.

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Paddy is on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire "

and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant (The UK host), he has only one life line left....phone a friend.

The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?,:

A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo

Pad...

What do you call a bird with a drinking problem?

An Owl-coholic!!!

what's the difference between a bird and a fly?

a bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

(credit to mr bean joke book i had when i was a kid)

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

What do you call a fat mockingbird?

two kilo mocking bird

I saw a fat bird down the pub

And her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!

I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan."

She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!"

I said "Actually no, I wasn'...

Did you hear about the bird that carried a leek?

Never mind, its too Farfetch'd.

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and scr...

What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan

why do birds fly south during the winter?

Because it would take forever to walk

A mummy calls a restaurant

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

The vet seemed to have no idea why my two pet birds were stuck together.

He said it was toucan fusing.

What did the bird army say when running away?

Retweet

I call my friends Dodo birds

Because they don't exist.

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A father was about to tell his ten year old son about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know”, said the son.

“Why?” said the father.

“Because when I was seven you told me there was no tooth fairy, when I was eight you told me there was no Easter bunny and when I was nine you told me there was no Santa Claus. If you’re about to tell me grown ups don’t actu...

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Do you know what the white stuff in bird poop is?

That's bird poop, too

A woman brings her severly ill bird into the vet.

The vet rushes her back to the examination room, but unfortunately the little bird passes on before he can do anything for it.

He tells the woman that her bird has died, but she refuses to believe him and demands that he run tests to verify the little guy's demise.

The vet goes into th...

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