The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

A crow was arrested an put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.

"Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."

"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."

"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer b...

What do you call a bird with no teeth?

A bird. Birds don't have teeth.

Why can't you breed a bird of prey with an eel?

Because it's eeleagle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife says if I don’t stop making bird puns she is going to withhold sex...

...but she can keep her tits to herself. Eventually she will want my cock and she’ll find that toucan play that game.

How do birds learn to fly?

They just wing it.

Whats the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires tweetment and one requires Oinkment.

What do you call a bird with a drinking problem?

An Owl-coholic!!!

What's the national bird of Syria?

American drone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.

I'm sorry.

A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.

​

“If you don’t ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three birds were eating fermented seeds from cow manure in a fenced in barn area.

After eating their fill they noticed three barn cats lurking about. They decided they needed to get out of there. Feeling inebriated the first decided to get a boost by starting from a quarter way up a rake. It tries, and fumbles. Cat gets it!

The second one hoping for a better chance goes up...

During a math lesson, the teacher asks, “If 5 birds are sitting on a fence and a rancher shoots one of them, how many are left on the fence?”

Johnny raises his hand and replies, “None. The other birds will fly away.”

The teacher laughs and exclaims, “While I appreciate the way you think, Johnny, the answer is 4.”

Johnny then asks, “Ok then. If three women are all eating an ice cream cone. One is biting the cone, the other ...

What's the same with a bird and a baby?

They both die when you leave them in the washing machine

The vet seemed to have no idea why my two pet birds were stuck together.

He said it was toucan fusing.

Why was the pope angry with a bird?

He had committed a cardinal sin.

A woman brings her severly ill bird into the vet.

The vet rushes her back to the examination room, but unfortunately the little bird passes on before he can do anything for it.

He tells the woman that her bird has died, but she refuses to believe him and demands that he run tests to verify the little guy's demise.

The vet goes into th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What kind of bird would you find in a bathroom?

A Peecock!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father was about to tell his ten year old son about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know”, said the son.

“Why?” said the father.

“Because when I was seven you told me there was no tooth fairy, when I was eight you told me there was no Easter bunny and when I was nine you told me there was no Santa Claus. If you’re about to tell me grown ups don’t actu...

Today, I followed two majestic birds of pray

They then kicked me out of the nunnery

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.

​

Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.

&#x...

One day, my parents told me about the birds and the bees

"Son" they said, "birds do it, bees do it, so it's completely fine and natural for you to do it too. It's nothing to be ashamed of"

They were of course referring to my unfortunate habit of running face-first into windows.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you know what the white stuff in bird poop is?

That's bird poop, too

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you do if a bird shits on your car?

Never take her out again.

“Julie,” her mother asked, “why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?”

“Because,” Julie answered, “that’s where my canary is.”

Big bird's flock rejected him because of how tall he was...

He was ostrich-sized.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

joke

Do you know why birds sing in the morning ?

Because they don't have to go to fucking work.

I call my friends Dodo birds

Because they don't exist.

What did the bird army say when running away?

Retweet

My niece asked me what kind of birds are found on Twitter.

I told her mostly parrots.

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and scr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a really cute bird keeper...

She had all kinds of birds at her house.

She had some beautiful parrots, a couple of cockatiels, and a pair of great tits

Why do they call chicken the beggar's bird?

Because it says "Buck buck buck buck buck!"

Did you hear about the bird that carried a leek?

Never mind, its too Farfetch'd.

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a Bird Watcher and a Peeping Tom have in common?

They both loving hanging out in trees looking for Great Tits!

If the Swan symbolizes happiness, then what bird symbolizes True Love?

The Swallow

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

What does Black Panther say when he sees an unfamiliar bird?

Wakanda bird is this?

Teacher: Give me an example of a bird that has wings but can not fly...

Student: A dead bird.

What type of bird is the craziest?

Ducks. Because they’re all Quacks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the act of a bird masturbating?

A flap fap.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I suggested to a friend that we take up bird watching

He remained unconvinced until I showed him a photo of a nice pair of tits.

Have you heard about the place way up North where birds stop flying North and start flying south?

It's where they make Arctic Terns.

Two birds, who at once are stoned.

You wouldn't believe the things they're tweeting when they're high!

A double pun

They say stealth planes make your radar signature smaller, so you show up to the radar just like a small bird

"Sir, we think we've spotted a pigeon on the radar screen."

"Well what's unusual about that?"

"Well the pigeon is flying at about mach 2."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle...

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will k...

I saw a fat bird down the pub

And her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!

I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan."

She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!"

I said "Actually no, I wasn'...

The bird of freedom is the eagle

The bird of wisdom is the owl. The bird of love is the dove. What's the bird of true love?

The swallow.

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you can kill 2 birds with one stone, How many can you kill with 5?

Half the fucking population

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\#ThanosDidNothingWrong

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

Netflix is making a sequel to Bird Box.

It's called Chicken McNuggets.

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

You know how birds fly in a V. Do you know why one side is normally longer than the other?

Generally, it is because there are more birds on that side.

After hearing about this “bird box” challenge craze, I had to try it.

Vhjddb jkgfgg kbccv vdcs kllnd.

When birds fly in a 'v' formation, one side is always longer.

After millions of dollars and thousands of hours spent researching this phenomena, scientists believe they now know why. It's because one side has more birds than the other.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because walking takes too long.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Broke up with my gf because she liked birds too much...

her favorite being a cockatoo... at the same time.

A bird walked into a bar for a drink.

The bartender says it's on the house.

My friend keeps making bird puns so I said

Toucan play that game

2 Birds are arguing over what type of tree they are roosted in

The Whippoorwill insists its a Son of a Birch, the Cardinal insists its a Son of a Beech.

They ask their friend, a Woodpecker to settle their argument.

He responds, It's the finest piece of Ash i've ever stuck my pecker in

Having 12 pet birds sound a bit silly...

Dozen tit.

Everybody is doing the “Bird Box” challenge

I wish they would just do the “A Quiet Place” challenge and shut up

If 2 black birds make a black bird and 2 blue birds make a blue bird, what makes no birds?

Swallows.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can birds fly without feathers?

And who was the heartless bastard who tested this out?

My brother bullied a dyslexic bird carer.

How owl can you go?

I killed 2 birds with one stone

Sadly, that's how I got fired from my job at the aviary

I went to a fowl seller and asked for a nice bird to eat

The salesman asked me if I liked Duckling, I replied, I don't know, I've never duckled!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do birds fly upside down over Alabama?

There is nothing there worth shitting on.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What should you be grateful for when a bird shits on your head?

That cows don’t have wings.

What do you call a bunch of racist birds?

The coo clucks clan.

A heck of a bird is a Pelican

It's beak can hold more than its Bellycan

One bird can't make a pun.

But toucan.

Why was the bird shop homicide difficult to solve?

Because it wasn't a parrot who did it.

How do birds stop?

Air brakes.

The Original Bird Box Challenge

Is Getting up to Pee at 4am

What do you call a ballistic device that only fires birds?

A catapoultry.

The sun is singing, the birds are blazing, the trees are shouting...

I think I may have taken the wrong medication.

Two birds are sitting on a perch

One says "Can you smell fish?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last night, I came all over my wife's tits.

She was furious this morning when she looked at the birdcage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old one, but I've never seen it on this sub...

A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle. "This is a serious crime," says the judge. "What do you have to say in your defense?"



"Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me. I was trapped in the wilderness for days. I s...

You must be one of the creatures from Bird Box.

Just the sight of you makes me want to kill myself.

What would Dwane Johnson be if he transformed into a giant mythical bird?

He’d be The Roc.

My flight was delayed from birds striking against the airliner.

Wtf birds, just do your job. What are they even paying you for??? I got a connection to make.

A man walks into a bar with a blue bird of happiness on one shoulder and a leprachaun on the other

He walks up to the bar, hands over a thousand dollars, orders three scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and smashes t...

What do you call a mockingbird cooked in alcohol.

Tequila Mockingbird

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the man who gives birds blowjobs

.....he isn't gay, but he'd suck a cockatoo

My friend had a dream of studying birds native to coastal regions before he died.

It's honestly really sad he never got to accomplish his Sea*goals*

The eagle was a bird of many skills.

One could say he was very talon-ted.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches in...