If you blue birds have blue babies and black birds have black babies, what kind of birds have no babies?

Swallows

NASA should hire birds for time travel researches.

They have been studying wormholes for thousands if not millions of years before human do.

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Did you hear about that birdwatcher that was sent to jail?

He got caught robin a bank, which in our society, is a cardinal sin.

Real timid guy, too... I'm surprised he had the gull to pull it off.

I mean, I'm not surprised he got into trouble, seeing as to how he made a hobby of sitting in the bushes and staring at tits.

But I'm sure th...

Birds

Teacher: which birds can't fly?

Student: Dead birds.

Son: daddy can you tell me about the bird and the bees?

Dad: well bee stands for the male and the bird stands for the female.
When 2 people love each other very much, the bee stings the bird essentially giving his life and the bird gets a pain in the ass

Why are birds such great improvisers?

They're always wingin' it.

How many people do you need to pet a bird that's on a high tree?

Not one, but toucan!

Pet birds are the hot Christmas gift this year

They are flying off the shelves

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and fowl (pun intended) vocabulary

He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The par...

What do girls and birds have in common?

They both flee when I approach them

You know how some birds fly in V formations? Do you know why one line is always longer than the other?

It has more birds in it.

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

I like the way you're thinking.

Teacher: 3 birds are sitting on top of a roof and someone throws a rock and hits one off. How many birds are left?
Student: There are none left because the other two fly away whenever the other one is hit.
Teacher: Well actually there's still two left but I like the way you're thinking.
...

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So I told my mom this girl had a pair of great tits, and she smacked me.

I wonder why she hates birds so much.

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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.<...

How do you tell the difference between ravens and crows.

The long straight tail feathers on these birds are called pinions. Crows are known to have 7 pinions, while ravens have 8. So the difference between a raven and a crow is a matter of a pinion.

What is sitting in a tree and makes "Haa Haaa"?

An owl with a speech impediment.

\-------------

Dentist to the patient: This might hurt now a bit

Patient: Don't worry

Dentist: Ok... I'm having an affair with your wife!

\------------

Wife to husband: You look aweful with these new glasses

Husband: B...

What happens when you drop a 14lb weight on 2 canaries?

You kill 2 birds with one stone.

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It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.

He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.

“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”

He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.

“Shit!”

He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. O...

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Boston recently

Initially there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that va...

The crunch bird

There was a new petshop in town. Jimmy went inside to give it a look, when he saw a colourful and pretty bird.

The shopkeeper said, “m’boy, that’s a crunch bird, and a rare breed at that! Would ya want to buy it?”

Jimmy was intrigued. “What’s a crunch bird?” He asked. “Well” replies ...

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird...

The A-gull and B-gull weren't quite right.

Who collects the souls of dead birds?

The Grim Cheeper.

What do you call a bird with a sinus infection?

A phlegmingo

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A sailor meets a pirate in a bar.

They take turns boasting about their great conquests and adventures on the ocean. The sailor is curious about the pirate's peg leg, hook, and eyepatch.

"How did you end up with a peg-leg?" he asks.

"We were in a storm and I was swept overboard. I started climbing back onto the ship, bu...

My ex-girlfriend got a parakeet, and that damn thing never shut up...

but the bird was cool.

A guy walks into a bar...

In that bar there is a man sitting in the corner with a 30 feet tall Brick. The guy walk over to him and asks: "Sorry to bother, but how did you get such a massive Brick"? The man at the table awnsers:"well you see if you go outside the bar and hit the Streetlamp there 3 times, a fairy will appear t...

How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?

Tucan

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Parrots. long

Father O'Malley comes out from Sunday mass to talk with his parishioners and Mrs. Coughlin asks if she may have a word with him.

"Of course, Mrs. Coughlin. What seems to be the problem?

“This may sound like a strange question, but I have a problem with my parrot and I hear that you hav...

Why don't birds recognize each other?

They are in da skies.

Look! Up highest in the sky! Is it the biggest bird? Is it the biggest plane? No!

It's a Superlative

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Every time a bird shits on my car.

I eat scrambled eggs on my porch to show them ass holes what I’m capable of.

What do you call a bird so sick, it's breaking the law?

Ill eagle

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

I tried to open up a flightless bird zoo business.

But it never took off.

I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big

He was ostrich-sized :/

What bird flocks in threes?

A triangull

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There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Bl...

What's a Mexicans favorite book?

Tequila mocking bird

What do you call a fat mockingbird?

two kilo mocking bird

What type of bird gives the best head?

A swallow

Did you hear about the baker who poisened his pastries?

He killed two birds with one scone...

Europeans have been testing aircraft engines against bird strikes for a long while, using a cannon which launched (deceased, obviously) chickens at the aeroplane.

Eventually, the Americans decided they needed to test their engines tbe same way. So they brought a device over and started testing. No matter how resilient they made the engines, they always failed. After months of testing, they gave up and sent for a European engineer to advise on what wad wrong.<...

What’s the difference between a fly and a bird?

A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird

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3 men survive a plane crash in the jungle.

Paddy, an Irishman, Jock, a Scotsman, and Edward, an Englishman.
The three men band together and set off in search of civilisation. After many hours trekking through the jungle the men come across 3 rotting dead birds.
“I’m not eating that!” Says a disgusted Edward.
“Aye it’s covered in ...

My uncle: a little bird told me you are doing drugs.

Me: you're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?

A 4.0 Student

Was taking an ornithology course in college. The course was known for being very rigorous and challenging, but the student was confident in his abilities. Just before the final exam, the professor assigned a hefty amount of homework, due before the day of the exam. The student was able to finish the...

A mummy calls a restaurant

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

What do you call a bird that doesn’t want to fly?

Chicken

What does a Bird use to open a locked door

Crowbar

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I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

What do you call a bird that protects its king?

A knight owl.

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Paddy is on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire "

and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant (The UK host), he has only one life line left....phone a friend.

The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?,:

A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo

Pad...

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. ...

George Bush bought a rotisserie chicken

George Bush went to the store on day and bought a rotisserie chicken for dinner. He began his trek home when a sudden and serious hunger fell over him. His stomach grumbled, he had a headache, all his mind could think about was eating. Fortunately, he was able to bear with it until he got home. Once...

I make wooden figurines for a living, which has proved to be a very good business.

I get a lot of requests to make animals, as they can be used to decorate at all times of the year. I’ve recently been working on a variety of birds for the spring season, because it’s never too early to start working ahead.
I often make a few mistakes when making animals because of the long hour...

How do you catch a rare bird?

Unique up on em!

Never try to annoy someone with bird puns.

Because toucan play that game.

The early bird gets the worm

But the second mouse gets the cheese

I heard you like making bird jokes

Well, toucan play at that game

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A black man and a bird walk into a bar.

The bartender said "What a beauty! Where did you get him?"
The bird replied "Africa."

What do you call a baby goth bird?

An emo chick.

Credits to u/jasperatu for inspiration.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Anyone else confused by these new sexual metaphors?

Two birds decide to pull a bank heist

Well... One was a chicken.

The other was Robin.

What's a thots favourite bird?

A swallow

You think birds are scary?

Imagine Dragons.

If the dove is the bird of peace, what’s the bird of true love?

The swallow

What's the sickest bird in the world?

A Phlegmingo

What country has the most birds?

Turkey

What a wonderful bird, the Pelican.

His mouth can hold more than his belican.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dicks can a bird take at the same time?

A Cockatoo

Why can't you breed a bird of prey with an eel?

Because it's eeleagle.

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What do birds get if they have unprotected sex?

Cherppies!

Do you know why that's really bad?

Their un-tweetable!

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What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.

I'm sorry.

What do you calls a mathematicians bird that won’t eat ?

A polynomial

Never kiss a bird

You might end up with chripes. Which is a canareal disease, that isn't tweetable.

"If there are 5 birds sitting on a tree branch...

And a hunter shoots 2, how many will there be left?" Is what teacher Karen asks Johnny.

Johnny: 0, because all birds will fly away when they hear gunshots!

Karen: Well no, actually it's 3 but I do like your reasoning.

Johnny: Okay, so now I've got a question for you. There are 3...

A bird and weed story

In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Terns would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

What do you call a house filled with birds

A burden

What does a bird say to another bird?

Oiseaup

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It’s said the person you love should complete you. If you’re an introvert, they’re an extrovert. If they’re responsible, you’re carefree. If they’re a night owl, you’re an early bird.

As a dude with no ass I can get down with this.

Idk about you guys but my parents never taught me about "the birds and the bees."

So when it came down to doing it, I had no idea how to extract honey from a beehive

I have a bird feeder in my garden.

It's also a cat feeder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever had a bird?

Because it looks like you might enjoy a cock or two.

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.

So far, it's been seven owls and fifteen jays.......

What does the cat in bird mask say?

Me owl

Time flies when you name your bird after seasoning.

I am aware that the correct spelling is thyme

Bird is the word.

I had a parrot. He swore up and down, all the time. I tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t listen. F this and that, b word, c word, you name it. One day I finally had enough and I said that I’m going to stick him in the freezer to cool off if he doesn’t “cool it” with the foul language.

...

He refused to act like a bird.

I pointed my gun at him and insisted.

But he was unflappable.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

We live in such an uncaring society. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds

After a while I thought to myself: “I wonder how long he’s been dead?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says if I don’t stop making bird puns she is going to withhold sex...

...but she can keep her tits to herself. Eventually she will want my cock and she’ll find that toucan play that game.

What do you get when you cross a pig with a bird?

Swine Flew

Have you ever heard of bird west?

It’s just one of the cardinal directions.

Edna always loved the birds

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to t...

A flock of birds walk into a bar, look around, then head for the door.

Bartender says, “Hey, what’s the matter?”

One of the birds says, “oh, it's just that this place looked seedier on the outside.”

Whats the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires tweetment and one requires Oinkment.

Do you know why birds sing in the morning?

Because they don’t have to go to work!

Your duck is dead.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

What do you call a bird looking at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad

What do you call a bird without a green card?

An illeagle

What's the same with a bird and a baby?

They both die when you leave them in the washing machine

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