Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“none, the others would fly away.”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ-“the answer is 4 but I like the way you think.”

Bɪʟʟʏ- “miss I have a question. There are 3 women eating ice-cream. 1 licking, 1 biting, 1 sucking. Which one is married?”

Tᴇᴀᴄʜᴇʀ(nervously)-“the one sucking.”

Bɪʟʟʏ-“ no mis...

What do you call two birds in love?

Tweethearts

Can one bird screw in a lightbulb?

No, but toucan!

A hunter was shooting birds.

A bird fell in an old man's field. The hunter goes to get the bird but the old man sees him and tells him that since the bird fell on his field, the bird is now his to keep. An argument ensues and the old man says:

"Let us kick each other on the shin and see who can take more, whoever can tak...

When birds migrate, they fly in a V. One side of the V is always longer than the other. Know why?

One side has more birds.

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Why do Scots call ladies "Birds" ?

Because they've seen a Cockatoo aye?

How much soda do you have to drink before it tastes like birds?

Toucans

Why do humming birds hum?

Because they don't know the words.

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

Did you hear about the two early birds who were about to catch the worm?

They got killed by one stone.

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

What to birds take when they have a headache?

Parrotcetamol.

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I saw a bird of prey having a shit in the woods

It looked at me and told me to fuck off.
I think it had irritable owl syndrome.

What do you call a nocturnal bird that preys on bulges?

an OwOwl

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Three guys chatting about what they would call their wife if she a was a bird.

1st Guy: My wife would be a Robin, she is always flitting here there and everywhere, making sure everything is tidy.

2nd Guy: My wife would be a Golden Eagle, always on the hunt for food to feed the family.

3rd Guy: My wife would be a thrush. She's an irritating cunt.

What did the bird planning revolution say?

Coup, coup!

What do you call the bird after the 18th crow on a telephone line?

Corvid-19

If the early bird gets the worm,

I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.

Finally watching One Piece and just saw tiny Buggy the Clown get spit out by a bird that tried to eat him.

I guess he tasted funny.

What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? –

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

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I woke up this morning at 9:30, made coffee, stepped out for the day's first cigarette, and was greeted by a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining the birds were singing...

Then I ripped ass like a bologna windmill slapping a tile floor.

My wife thinks our neighbor owns tropical birds.

Ever since I said I liked her two cans.

Did you guys hear about the chicken farmer who had a tornado go throw the birds' shelter?

He's afraid he'll never be able to recoup his losses

How do you know if a bird is a smoker?

If it's a Puffin

Just started a business selling birds. The profits are brilliant.

So far I have sold some homing pigeons 25 times this week already.

I told my son about the birds and the bees.

He told me about my wife and the butcher.

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

Gee, I wonder if SARS-CoV-2 mutated to the point where it could infect birds...

I guess you could call the disease it causes "CO*R*VID-19," eh?

My bird hospital was shut down by the city.

They said it was due to ill eagle activity.

When I was a kid, my dad and I went to the zoo to see the birds.

I loved birds as a kid, and really wanted one as a pet. I would spend hours looking through picture books about birds, studying their plumage, learning all that I could. So when the day came that my dad took me to the zoo to see the bird enclosure, I was really excited.

I had read about the...

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There's a telegraph pole on which birds tend to sit and defecate

It's a shitty post.

Last week I x-rayed a bird in Norway.

Yep. Scanned an avian.

What did the bird say to the conspiracy theorist?

Nothing, birds aren't real

What do you call a blue bird who’s got run over by a lawn mower?

Shredded tweet



I’ll show myself out

What normal bird has the strength to lift a steel beam?

A crane.

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Little johnny learns about the birds and the bee's

Saturday morning little Johnny wakes up and as he is about to go to the living room to watch Saturday morning cartoons he hears loud noise coming from down the hall. He follows the sound which brings him to his parents bedroom. Curious about what the noise is he slowly opens his parents bedroom door...

My little bird.. Enza

I once had a bird..
It's name was Enza.

Wanna know how i got it?
I opened the window.. anddddd..
In-Flew-Enza!

What do you call a couple of birds that stick together

Vel-crows

God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome

God: *creates birds*

I was throwing oranges at tropical birds.

One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”

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What do you call a bird that beats the shit out of her husband?

Amber Bird.

If the Stork is the bird that brings babies, what is the bird that prevents babies?

The Swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

Little Jimmy is in class and the teacher asks:

"if there are 9 birds on a fence and the farmer shoots 1, how many birds are left?"
Jimmy raises his hand and says;
none, because the rest is startled by the shot and will fly away.
To which the teacher says, "Well Jimmy, the correct answer is 8, but I like the way you think."
Ji...

Why don’t birds wear pants?

Because their peckers are on their face

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Winter is here and our native birds are having difficulty finding food. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for them.

There is no finer sight on a winter’s morning than a pair of tits round your nut sack; however it’s a bit early to expect a swallow.

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

There were two birds, one named Pete and the other named Repeat. If Pete flew away, who would be left?

Repeat.

Ok, So there were two birds...

A concerned airplane passenger asked me if I heard about bird strikes.

I honestly didn’t think they could carry signs.

How did the birds escape the coronavirus quarantine?

They flu

If a dove is a bird of peace, what is a bird of true love?

A swallow.

How many tropical birds does it take to change a light bulb?

Well if one can't, toucan

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet - no cats, dogs, or birds - I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the u...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

The pink, plastic birds that are popular lawn ornaments in Florida.....

are they called, "Placebo Flamingos"?

What is the equivalent of 2,000 mocking birds?

2 kilomockingbirds.

What do you call a bird looking through a little hole?

Peaking duck

What do you call a store for bird houses and accessories?

Birdbath and Beyond

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I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

If the Swan represents happiness, then what bird symbolizes true love?

The Swallow.

(This is my third anniversary posting this joke on a time line near Valentines. My yearly repost if you will)

I was walking in the park the other day when I saw an old couple feeding the birds.

That's when I wondered... How long have they been dead?

What do you call a man with a bird on his head?

Cliff

What is the most embarrassing species of bird?

Morning wood -pecker

There was a man with an odd habit of repeating one sentence, that he'll make a slingshot and kill the birds.

His family was extremely worried about this. They feared he had completely lost his mind. The family took him to all nearby doctors but all in vain. They had nearly given up when one day they heard about this spiritual healer.

In hopes of getting him fixed, the family decided to travel far a...

Dead bird for sale, not going cheap

After long term illness my obese parrot died yesterday. Whilst deeply upsetting, it is a weight off my shoulder.

Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird...

The A-gull and B-gull weren't quite right.

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A burglar invades a house in the middle of the night

While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parr...

A bird broke his younger brother’s wing

He was grounded

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What do you get if you have sex with a bird?

Chirpies.

It's a canarial disease, fortunately it's tweetable.

During an expropriation operation in the USSR, a man gets his bird collection seized by the KGB

The next day he shows up at the KGB's offices. An officer at the front desk recognizes him: "Ah, Comrade Vladysnich! I imagine you come here to reclaim your birds...".

"Not at all, Comrade", says the man, "I just came here to state on record that I completely disagree with my parrot's politic...

Why did the birds want a snack?

They were feeling a bit peckish.

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6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

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Why don’t birds care where they poop?

Because it’s.. beneath them

I saw two large, black birds stuck to each other in the garden yesterday

I'm pretty sure they were vel crows

The birds and the bees

Little Johnny's Pa decided that Johnny had gotten old enough to learn about the birds and the bees. The problem was, he didn't know how to approach the subject.

So, sitting on the back porch one day, he starts to tell Little Johnny what's involved, but he keeps tripping over his own words. F...

Two birds were sitting on a perch...

The first bird said to the second "Do you smell fish?"

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Why was the bird wearing a wig?

Because it was a bald eagle!

The Kansas Department of Transportation (KDOT) found over 450 dead crows on I-35 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird'...

Why don't birds recognize each other?

They are in da skies.

Your duck is dead...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

What do girls and birds have in common?

They both flee when I approach them

An irregular bird

I saw a bird today
It was eating a gluten free bagel
It must be a Millennial Falcon

I saw a bird with broken wings but a resilient look in its eye.

It was unflappable.

NASA should hire birds for time travel researches.

They have been studying wormholes for thousands if not millions of years before human do.

Did you hear about how birds are becoming more racist?

They formed the Coo Clucks Clan.

Which weighs more? A pound of steel or a pound of feathers?

A pound of feathers.


Because 10 pounds of steel is just some steel, but when you carry 10 pounds of feathers, you also need to carry the emotional burden of what you did to those poor birds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend who saw Avatar for the first time must be such a bird lover.

He wouldn't shut up about all the blue tits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun plays golf and takes the Lord's name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?"


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with ...

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how do you call a man that is aroused by birds?

an hornythologist

A baby turtle...

...was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.


About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, d...

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A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

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My friend is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league

My friend Hans is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league. He's always whooping and hollering at every race, and now most of his friends call him "Woo!". Despite his enthusiasm for the sport, he's not very creative. He mostly just numbers his birds, and never takes our advice on names....

Don't kill sick birds

it's ill eagle

Thanos is the most efficient creature in the universe

He killed billions of birds with 6 stones

If you blue birds have blue babies and black birds have black babies, what kind of birds have no babies?

Swallows

Who collects the souls of dead birds?

The Grim Cheeper.

Son: daddy can you tell me about the bird and the bees?

Dad: well bee stands for the male and the bird stands for the female.
When 2 people love each other very much, the bee stings the bird essentially giving his life and the bird gets a pain in the ass

Birds

Teacher: which birds can't fly?

Student: Dead birds.

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

It was the ‘bring your pet to school’ day today, there were a lot of birds

Weirdly enough most of them were desert eagles!

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