UPJOKE
parrotwingfowlkingfisherhummingbirdowlseabirdfeatheralbatrossvultureseagullostrichflamingobeaksparrow

What do you call birds that stick together?

Velcrows!

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can tweet.

The early bird may get the worm

But the second mouse gets the cheese

There's a name for a group of racist birds

It's called the Coo Clucks Clan

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

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It’s a bird… errr

A mother and her young son were traveling to school early one morning when they unexpectedly got behind a garbage truck.

After following the garbage truck for a little bit there was trash occasionally falling out of the back of the truck. All of a sudden a giant purple dildo came flying out ...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any test...

Everyone thinks that doves are the bird of love. You know what the true bird of love is?

The swallow.

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A man walks into a restaurant with an emu by his side.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says: “A burger, chips and a coke, please.”

He then turns to the emu and nods. “I’ll have the same,” says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order and says: “That will be £14.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket ...

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights?

A Chicken

There was a recall on bird food but most places are offering a refund if you return it.

It strikes me as odd that they would encourage you to give bad feed back.

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?

>!it might be an illeagle!<

Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?

Apparently he got it from a cardinal

I killed two birds with one stone today

I am now banned from my local zoo.

Dad goes to his son and says "a little bird told me you're smoking cigarettes"...

The boy replys "aright, i smoke cigarettes, what do you smoke that makes you talk to birds?"

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten sheets over each bird and only the legs showing...

... He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They...

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and swine flu you need oinkment.

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I don't know why everyone got so upset today when a bird stole my sandwich.

All I said was, "Fuck you, crane!"

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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The great Foo Foo bird.

Three explorers were in the deep jungle and out of no where they hear Foo Foo and a big bird swoops down and craps on one of the guys heads. He curses and goes to a nearby stream and washes it off. Within seconds, he dies.

They decide to head back and again, they hear Foo foo. And the bird sw...

Why was the bird so bad at picking up chicks?

Because he had a small pecker

What bird never sings the lyrics?

A hummingbird

A bunch of different birds are chilling in a large group when

Another type of bird comes out of nowhere. "sorry lads I've just arrived from europe!" says the bird,

"Ukraine?" askes another. "Nah mate I'm a pelican"

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My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

A bat in China didn't start covid. It came from a sick bird stuck in the landing gear of an international flight...

...an ill-eagle immigrant.

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What's the difference between a bird and a politician?

One shits on people from great heights and the other flies through the air

What do you call a person who has a good time with birds and feathers?

A Pheasant Plucker.

And to all you dyslexics out there, they are also enjoyable lovers.

What happens when you kiss a bird?

You get chirpies

It's a canarial disease

There's no tweetment

Why do Australians laugh at flightless birds?

They find them Emu-sing

A cross-eyed guy put a cross-eyed bird into a cage

He missed the cage and placed him outside, and the bird being cross-eye missed flying away and flew into the cage.

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!

(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)

What kind of bird doesn't get pregnant?

A swallow

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Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

birds are the only animals who can get anything done!

They got friends in high places

What do you call an invasive species that happens to be a bird?

Illegal Avian.

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Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

What do you call a sick bird trying to get across the border?

An illegal

here's one from my dad.

a stork brings a white baby,

a crow brings a black baby,

what bird brings no baby?











a swallow.

My friend spent Valentine's Day with her bird.

I said if she likes it then she shoulda put a wing on it.

That's why she prefers the bird.

\[This is all true.\]

Did you hear about the bird collector who didn't buy enough soda for his party?

His guests were disappointed that he only had Toucans

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

Did you hear that somebody killed a majority of the birds?

It’s a murder of most fowl

Why did Russia assemble an army of female sheep and wading birds at the border?

They were preparing for a ewe-crane invasion.

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

Which is heavier? 1kg of steel or 1kg of feathers?

The feathers because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those birds.

My wife left me for a bird, and still got sole custody of the kids

Judge said it wouldn't be right to make them leave the nest so soon

How do you turn ham into a bird?

Leave it out for a week until it turns fowl

What would Harper Lee do if she had to make a bird laugh?

Tickle a mockingbird.

The Chomp Bird

A man wants to get his wife a unique gift, so he goes to an exotic pet store, and asks the owner, "What's the rarest thing you have in here?" After showing him large snakes, colorful lizards, and strange rodents, the man still seems unimpressed. "Got anything rarer than these?" The man asked.
...

I asked my father where babies come from. He said son, someday I will tell you about the birds and the bees.

One day I saw a bird eat a bee and never asked again

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How my husband and I terrified a cab driver,,,

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and the theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat sc...

One day the teacher is giving a lesson in class…

“There are three birds on a wire. If a hunter shoots one, how many are left?”
The teacher calls on little Johnny.
“None.” he says.
“No, but try again.” The teacher says
“None.” Johnny says again “Because if you shoot one, the rest will get scared and fly away.”
The teacher says “N...

If a blue bird has blue babies

And a red bird has red babies
What bird has no babies?


Swallows

How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Toucan!

I bought a bag of bird seed almost 2 months ago.

Anyone know how long it takes for the bird to grow?

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

For Sale: Dead Bird

Won't go cheep

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How does a bird masturbate?

They wing it

Ms. Puffy Nips

One day, during a math lesson Ms. Puffy Nips asked her students, "If you take a shotgun and shoot 1 bird, how many birds will be left?"

Little Johnny put his hand up and when called on answered, "If you take a shotgun and shoot at the birds, there will be 0 birds left because they will all ge...

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

Why couldn't the little bird get into the birdhouse?

...the door wouldn't budgie!

What kind of bird becomes fluffy and absorbent if you put tea in front of it?

An owl.

The asteroid event that ended dinosaurs

was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

Bird flu

Bird landed

What do you call it when a bird moves things with it’s mind?

Pelikinesis

My Vietnamese friend killed two birds with one stone

I guess that’s a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

Melissa's parrot was a horribly, horribly foul-mouthed bird-

One day, after having this parrot for a while, she's finally gotten fed up with listening to the darn thing cursing at her all the time, and so she takes the \*\^$@!! thing to the vet.

The vet tells her, "Look, Melissa, I had a parrot in here a while back that had the same problem as yours- I...

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The wor...

I went to the Pet store to buy some exotic breeding birds

The Assistant said "have you got a Store card?"

I said no but I think I've just excited a Pelican

What would you call Jafar's bird from the Disney movie Aladdin if he was made of cheese?

Asiago

Lawyer goes hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I ...

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What's the white stuff in bird shit?

That's bird shit too

But is it murder?

A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?" "Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."

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What kind of bird did the pirate get after his parrot bit his dick off?

A wood pecker.

I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.

They were Basking Robins.

There's a new book about a bird that gets drunk.

It's called **Tequila Mockingbird**.

What’s a drug for birds?

Quack

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

Little Timmy wants to take the dog for a walk and ask his mom if he can take her around the block.

The mom knows the dog is in heat but doesn't want to tell Timmy he can't take the dog for a walk and open that can of worms with little Timmy on what it means and tread down the 'birds and the bees', so instead she tells little Timmy to go ask his dad instead.

So little Timmy goes out to the...

Keith Richards and Mick Jagger came over for lunch at my house.

Unfortunately I undercooked the chicken and everyone got sick.

I almost killed 2 Stones with 1 bird.

Guy meets a Pirate in a bar.

He is missing an arm, a leg, and an eye. I mean stereotypical pirate.

Guy asks, "I got to know, how did you lose the leg?"

Pirate says, "arg, I was hunting a big-ol whale and a rope snatched 'round me leg and tore it clean off."

Guy says, "Wow, so- so how did you lose the arm."...

Where do birds go out for drinks?

The Crow Bar.

What do you get when you kill BigBird?

Sesameat

Wife: “Honey let’s play a game?” Husband: “Ok, what is the game all about?”

Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."

Husband: "Ok and if you fail,...

A man buys a parrot and brings him home.

But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at h...

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There’s no such thing as a virgin bird.

They’ve all been laid at least once.

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You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

Have you heard of that new bird disease?

Corvid-19?

I loved the sound a bird made this morning...

...so I re-tweeted it.

They're vaccinating against bird flu again

Call it a rooster shot

A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

Why do birds sing in the morning?

Because they don't have to go to work.

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

Four doctors are sitting in a boat in the reeds, duck hunting.

The family practitioner spots a flock of fowl flying overhead, turns to the specialist and says: "I think those are ducks. I need a second opinion."

The specialist says: "I can schedule you in for a consult in two months."

The surgeon picks up his shotgun. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!!! Three of t...

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

What kind of ice cream goes in a bird bath?

Bask’n Robins

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

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Mum dad said that the new lady nextdoor keeps birds.

Dad. No I didn't I said she looks like she's had a Cockatoo.

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A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

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One day, a business man realizes he's tired of urban life and decides to buy a farm...

After he buys the farm, he figures he should buy some animals and equipment. He goes to the local supply store and talks to the man working there and asks, "What would I need to get started on my new farm? I've never done this before and would love any advice you can offer!"

The man looks him...

My friend has just fed German sausage to a bird.

He’s taken a tern for the wurst.

No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops...

But toucan!

(First post here, hope you like it.)

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot with a sign on the cage that said $50

‘Why so little?’ she asked the pet store owner.
The pet store owner looked at her and said ‘Look, I should tell you first this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.’
The woman thought about it and decided to have the bird anyway.
She to...

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A marriage counsellor is holding a group session and asks the husbands what bird would best describe their wife..

The first husband says "well my wife reminds me of a swan" .. "why is that" asks the counsellor , "because she's beautiful and graceful" replies the husband


The second husband says "I think an owl best describes my wife" "really"? says the counsellor , "yes because she is wise and int...

The Old Macaw

A man goes to a pet store looking for a fun pet for his family. There are the typical candidates, kittens, puppies, fish, hamsters, but off in the corner is an old macaw. He asks the owner what the deal is, and the owner replies that the macaw has actually been adopted several times, but he always g...

I hit a vulture with my truck. It went flying into a patrol car in the oncoming lane.

The officer wrote me up for flipping him the bird.

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A poem about positive thoughts

Little little bird in the sky

You look up it shits in your eye

You don’t weep you don’t cry

You thank god that cows don’t fly

Everytime I leave home, I'm being followed by a bird with long legs....

I think I'm being storked !!

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