Why do birds fly to warmer climates in the winter?

Because it is easier than walking! I'm so sorry guys.

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

It was the ‘bring your pet to school’ day today, there were a lot of birds

Weirdly enough most of them were desert eagles!

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?

Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment

I have a bird feeder in the garden.

It also works as a cat feeder.

What kind of bird struggles to take off?

A Velcrow

You know what can turn you into a sh*thead almost instantly?

A bird

My friend challenged me to finish his bird drawing. He had already drawn the head, torso and legs.

To be honest, I just winged it.

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

My friend keeps sending me bird puns

He doesn't realise toucan play that game

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Did you know that all birds die directly after they have sex?

Well at least the one I fucked did..

What kind of bird always forgets the words to songs?

A Hummingbird.

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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the dung was actually thawing her out. She lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat ...

Opening a pet shop specialized only in Birds and marine animals

Calling it fish & chirps

The early bird gets the worm

But the second mouse gets the cheese

One bird can't make you happy

But toucan

If the eagle is the bird of war and the dove is the bird of Love ! What is the bird of true love ?

The Swallow!

Two birds decide to pull a bank heist

Well... One was a chicken.

The other was Robin.

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A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Anyone else confused by these new sexual metaphors?

I heard you like making bird jokes

Well, toucan play at that game

A crow was arrested an put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.

"Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."

"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."

"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer b...

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A black man and a bird walk into a bar.

The bartender said "What a beauty! Where did you get him?"
The bird replied "Africa."

What's the sickest bird in the world?

A Phlegmingo

How do you catch a rare bird?

Unique up on em!

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

What do you call a baby goth bird?

An emo chick.

Credits to u/jasperatu for inspiration.

What's a thots favourite bird?

A swallow

What country has the most birds?

Turkey

The teacher asks Billy, “If there are 5 birds on the fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”

Billy says, “None, because the others would fly away.”

“The answer is 4, but I like the way you think,” says the teacher.

“Now I have a question for you,” says Billy, “If there are 3 women eating ice cream cones, and 1 is licking, 1 is biting, and 1 is sucking, which one is married?”...

You think birds are scary?

Imagine Dragons.

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How many dicks can a bird take at the same time?

A Cockatoo

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What do birds get if they have unprotected sex?

Cherppies!

Do you know why that's really bad?

Their un-tweetable!

What do you calls a mathematicians bird that won’t eat ?

A polynomial

What a wonderful bird, the Pelican.

His mouth can hold more than his belican.

What do you call a bird with no teeth?

A bird. Birds don't have teeth.

A bird and weed story

In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Terns would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned.

What do you call a house filled with birds

A burden

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Have you ever had a bird?

Because it looks like you might enjoy a cock or two.

If a black bird brings black babies and a white bird brings white babies. What kind of bird brings no babies?

Swallows

What does a bird say to another bird?

Oiseaup

Why can't you breed a bird of prey with an eel?

Because it's eeleagle.

Idk about you guys but my parents never taught me about "the birds and the bees."

So when it came down to doing it, I had no idea how to extract honey from a beehive

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It’s said the person you love should complete you. If you’re an introvert, they’re an extrovert. If they’re responsible, you’re carefree. If they’re a night owl, you’re an early bird.

As a dude with no ass I can get down with this.

Never kiss a bird

You might end up with chripes. Which is a canareal disease, that isn't tweetable.

I won my first cage fight today

Stupid bird never knew what hit it

Bird is the word.

I had a parrot. He swore up and down, all the time. I tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t listen. F this and that, b word, c word, you name it. One day I finally had enough and I said that I’m going to stick him in the freezer to cool off if he doesn’t “cool it” with the foul language.

...

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.

So far, it's been seven owls and fifteen jays.......

What does the cat in bird mask say?

Me owl

We live in such an uncaring society. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds

After a while I thought to myself: “I wonder how long he’s been dead?”

He refused to act like a bird.

I pointed my gun at him and insisted.

But he was unflappable.

why do bird fly south for winter?

because its too long for a walk

Time flies when you name your bird after seasoning.

I am aware that the correct spelling is thyme

What do you get when you cross a pig with a bird?

Swine Flew

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

Have you ever heard of bird west?

It’s just one of the cardinal directions.

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What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.

I'm sorry.

A flock of birds walk into a bar, look around, then head for the door.

Bartender says, “Hey, what’s the matter?”

One of the birds says, “oh, it's just that this place looked seedier on the outside.”

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Why do birds have feathers?

To cover their butt-quacks.

..dad jokes for life!

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My wife says if I don’t stop making bird puns she is going to withhold sex...

...but she can keep her tits to herself. Eventually she will want my cock and she’ll find that toucan play that game.

What do you call a bird looking at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad

Do you know why birds sing in the morning?

Because they don’t have to go to work!

What's the national bird of Syria?

American drone.

Edna always loved the birds

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to t...

What do you call a bird without a green card?

An illeagle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the white stuff in birdshit?

Also birdshit.

What should a bird nourish its chick with to ensure it's proper development?

Redbull

What's the same with a bird and a baby?

They both die when you leave them in the washing machine

Did you know that birds swear the most of any animal

They have fowl language

Why did the girl marry the bird instead of the fruit?

Because the fruit cantaloupe, but the bird pelican.

what's the difference between a bird and a fly?

a bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

(credit to mr bean joke book i had when i was a kid)

How do birds learn to fly?

They just wing it.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

You know how birds fly in V-formation and one side always looks longer? You know why that is?

More birds on that side.

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds

One day, my parents told me about the birds and the bees

"Son" they said, "birds do it, bees do it, so it's completely fine and natural for you to do it too. It's nothing to be ashamed of"

They were of course referring to my unfortunate habit of running face-first into windows.

A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.



“If you don’t stop swearin...

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There once was a Native American who had only one testicle...

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will k...

The vet seemed to have no idea why my two pet birds were stuck together.

He said it was toucan fusing.

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and scr...

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.



Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.



"These bird...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three birds were eating fermented seeds from cow manure in a fenced in barn area.

After eating their fill they noticed three barn cats lurking about. They decided they needed to get out of there. Feeling inebriated the first decided to get a boost by starting from a quarter way up a rake. It tries, and fumbles. Cat gets it!

The second one hoping for a better chance goes up...

What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what the white stuff in bird poop is?

That's bird poop, too

A woman brings her severly ill bird into the vet.

The vet rushes her back to the examination room, but unfortunately the little bird passes on before he can do anything for it.

He tells the woman that her bird has died, but she refuses to believe him and demands that he run tests to verify the little guy's demise.

The vet goes into th...

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A father was about to tell his ten year old son about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know”, said the son.

“Why?” said the father.

“Because when I was seven you told me there was no tooth fairy, when I was eight you told me there was no Easter bunny and when I was nine you told me there was no Santa Claus. If you’re about to tell me grown ups don’t actu...

Did you hear about the bird that carried a leek?

Never mind, its too Farfetch'd.

I'm pretty sure my pet birds have been working together to steal my snacks at night.

I'm not 100% but I do suspect fowl play.

I call my friends Dodo birds

Because they don't exist.

What did the bird army say when running away?

Retweet

Why was the pope angry with a bird?

He had committed a cardinal sin.

I saw a fat bird down the pub

And her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!

I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan."

She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!"

I said "Actually no, I wasn'...

What does Black Panther say when he sees an unfamiliar bird?

Wakanda bird is this?

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

Today, I followed two majestic birds of pray

They then kicked me out of the nunnery

Teacher: Give me an example of a bird that has wings but can not fly...

Student: A dead bird.

Big bird's flock rejected him because of how tall he was...

He was ostrich-sized.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a Bird Watcher and a Peeping Tom have in common?

They both loving hanging out in trees looking for Great Tits!

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