UPJOKE
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What's the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

What’s the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?

I’ve never paid to have a lentil on my face.

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Galley Chick

The Airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the ...

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What do you call a chick that doesn’t suck dick?

You don’t

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said "It's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" .

Thinking back, I really should have run but you don't get offers like that every day.

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I once dated a chick who had a side gig as a clown. [NSFW]

Her pussy always tasted funny.

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Worst joke I know (nsfw)

I was eating out this chick and I tasted horse semen.
So I looked up and said " Ew grandma! Is that how you died?"

Why was the bird so bad at picking up chicks?

Because he had a small pecker

I was dating a schizophrenic chick and

I left her cause she was seeing other people

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Y’all hear of about that one chick who’s addicted to jerking men off?

Lots of guys say that she cums in handy!

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What did the blind chick say on the porn set?

Didn’t see that one coming

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my chest.

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I was gonna fuck this Egyptian chick,..

But she was on her pyramid, so I fucked her mummy instead.

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

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Confucius say:

Man who try to pick up two chicks, only gets cock in hand.

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

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The moral of the story...

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out.


The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ti...

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At what age did Chuck Norris lose his virginity?

Trick question, Chick Norris never loses!

a local farmer had gone into investigations

\-what do you feed your chicken ?

\- soy beans, he answered

\-soy beans ?! are you aware that there's a global shortage in soy beans, we'll give you a $100k fine and prepare yourself for further investigations



few days later,...

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A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

I am a chick magnet you know.

Don’t assume I attract.

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

Hockey players take thier pads off after three periods.

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The Woman and the Farmer

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrat...

I used to date this cross-eyed chick

We didn't last. We did not see eye-to-eye.

It's OK though. She was seeing someone on the side anyway.

A guy and a girl go on a first date.

They go to the carnival that is in town. The guy asks her, what's the first thing you want to do? She says to get weighed. He's says alright let's go, takes her to the carny that that will guess her weight. The carny guesses 108lbs, she says he's wrong that she's 112lbs. So she gets to pick out a st...

Did you hear about the female condor that had chicks with no male involved?

Apparently this is pretty common. My wife had the same thing. She said her doctor couldn’t figure it out.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?



Neither. **The rooster came, and got the hen laid in the process.**



*(Biologist's answer: At some point a distant relative of the chicken laid an egg, and the mutations expressed in the chick's DNA would have it hatch as the first modern chicken - so the egg had to come first ...

What do you call two men who bang the same chick?

Smash bros

Why doesn't Chick-fil-a have a double chicken sandwich?

2 chicks together isn't really their thing.

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My Cake Day penis joke:

A guy goes to the beach for vacation, and he really wanted to impress the ladies on the beach. He worked out a bunch, tanned in advance, and bought a tiny banana hammock bathing suit for himself.

Each day, he put on his tight budgie smuggler and began walking the beach, smiling at the bathin...

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Why are girls called chicks?

Because they produce eggs or because they love cocks?

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

I tried incubating some chicks but turns out my rooster is sterile.

Oh well.
No harm, no fowl.

What award did the deceased chick pea receive?

A posthummus award

If god made Eve from Adam’s rib…

Does that make Eve his side chick?

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My friend called me the other day.

When I answered he told me that he met a hot girl that wanted a threesome with two guys and wanted me to help him out.

"I don't know," I replied, "I've got a lot going on right now."

After him begging me and telling me how hot the girl was for about 20 minutes, I finally agreed to it. ...

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What is it when u cum in the mouth of a chick that has braces?

The 1st time u see ur kid behind bars!

This chick was beautiful so I asked her if she was a cop

Because she took my breath away

NSFW: what's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint?

The joint won't get passed around the entire show.

I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A...

They were raising canes.

How do you get a fat chick into bed?

Piece of cake.

I’m not a player, I’m a gamer. Players get chicks.

I get bullied at school.

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

Joe Biden walks into a bar and sees a pretty, young blonde chick.

He sits down next to her and says "So, do I come here often?"

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”

(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar...

Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."

A Chicken tried out to be the new spokesperson for Chick-Fil-A

Unfortunately, she didn't meat egg-spectations.









(I'm not sorry)

I started dating this blonde chick last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

A chicken walks into a bar

"oops, i'm in the wrong joke"

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My terrible cake day joke

I had a crooked dick then i got a blowjob from a chick with braces. Now it’s so straight i can prove the earth is round.

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Little Johnny and the moral lesson

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taki...

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A man walks happily into a car dealership with an emu.

A salesman walks up to the man and asks, "Can I help you?" The man replies, "I would like to buy your most expensive car." Humoring the man with the emu, the salesman leads him over to a Bentley and says, "This model costs 204,572.99 dollars." Without missing a beat, the man reaches into his pocket ...

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The Horse and the Chick

The horse and the chick were best friends. One day when they were walking around the farm together, the horse fell into a patch of quicksand. He couldn't get out no matter how much he struggled. The chick suddenly had an idea:

"I know! The farmer just bought a new Porsche SUV. I'll use that t...

I joined a Ukrainian dating site

Now I have a chick in Kiev

Last night I went to a bar and the craziest thing happened. Some chick got her nipple pierced in front of me!

On an unrelated subject... I suck at darts.

Someone told me crazy chicks are amazing in bed.

At least I know I'm sane.

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"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."

Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.

Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck....

TIL Out of boredom and to create more band chemistry early in their careers, the Ramones used to go on single's cruises together around New York harbour looking to pick up chicks.

They wanted to be sea dated.

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If a blind chick tells you that your penis is huge...

She’s pulling your leg...

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I used to sleep with this German chick and every time we had sex she used to rate me....

I used to average about five or six, Then one day I stuck it in her ass without telling her and she started screaming “NINE, NINE, NINE”
that was the highest rating I ever got..

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Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

A horse, a chicken and a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the ...

What kind of vegetable is a chickens favorite?

Bok Bok Choy

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What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese chick?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

What do you call a chubby chick riding cowboy?

A triglyce-ride

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What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex.

You don’t.

Saw a fat chick wearing a shirt that said “guess”

So I said about 340, now she wants to fight

I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number.

and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.

An italian is picking up chicks at the bar

While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes loudly.

Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?”

After a slight pause...

I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week.

But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.

What is the opposite of a chick flick?

A Rush concert.

I own a chicken that counts her own eggs.

She's a mathamachicken.

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A chick with 12 boobs sounds weird..

Dozen tit?

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Got a hand job from a blind chick..

She said I had the biggest dick she had ever seen.

I said no you're just pulling my leg!

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I asked a Chinese chick for her number

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

A really fat Chinese chick came on to me at the club.

Yes, she was a won-ton woman.

A chick asked me for a meal

I told her i don't serve food.

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

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How do you call two boobless chicks living together?

Flatmates

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What do you call a chicken covered in peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth

What do you call a metal head who’s into banging fat chicks?

Down with the Thiccness

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I was on the bus with my gf and this smoking hot Thai chick sat next to me. I thought "don't get a boner, don't get a boner."

But she did.

I heard my buddy talking with a blocked nose and he seemed to be in pain

I asked him "What's wrong with your nose?"
He said "I got a seenus problem", with a nasally voice.
I said, "Sinus. You mean sinus?"
He said "No, seenus. I was bangin' this chick and her husband came home and he seen us."

Yeah man, I tell ya what, man, that dang ol’ internet, man, you just go in on there and point and click, talk about w-w-dot-w-com, mean you got the naked chicks on there, man, just go click, click, click, click, click, it’s real easy, man.

OK, Boomhauer

My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

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What’s the difference between Auschwitz and Chick-fil-A

Auschwitz accepted gays

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Just this week I fucked a dozen chicks

Next week, I'll try girls.

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A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

What’s the best part of dating a homeless chick?

You can drop her off anywhere

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