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I was gonna fuck this Egyptian chick,..

But she was on her pyramid, so I fucked her mummy instead.

You know the scene, balding dude in a convertible with a hot chick.

She peels off her top and says "Faster you go, the more i take off!"

She's down to her socks and he's doing 120 mph when they crash. Dazed and confused she finds the driver pinned in the car and goes for help, but all she can find to cover her bits is his shoe.

Stumbling out into the h...

What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil

I wouldn't pay 200 dollars to have a lentil on my face

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Why are girls called chicks?

Because they produce eggs or because they love cocks?

What do you call two men who bang the same chick?

Smash bros

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

What award did the deceased chick pea receive?

A posthummus award

I’m not a player, I’m a gamer. Players get chicks.

I get bullied at school.

Why doesn't Chick-fil-a have a double chicken sandwich?

2 chicks together isn't really their thing.

I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A...

They were raising canes.

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The horse and the rooster

So a horse and a rooster lived on a farm at the end of a dirt road. One day, the horse was walking down the road and fell into a deep mud hole. He was stuck!!! He hollered and hollered till finally the
Rooster heard him and came running. An idea struck the rooster so he ran back to the farm...

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

What the difference between a green pea and a chick pea?

I've never had a green pea on my chest.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

TIL Out of boredom and to create more band chemistry early in their careers, the Ramones used to go on single's cruises together around New York harbour looking to pick up chicks.

They wanted to be sea dated.

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor."

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.

NSFW: what's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint?

The joint won't get passed around the entire show.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

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What is it when u cum in the mouth of a chick that has braces?

The 1st time u see ur kid behind bars!

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”

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Tom walks on the street

Tom walks on the street and sees an old friend in a hurry with his hands full of books.

"Hey Dave. Long time no see. Where are you going with all those books?"

"I just enrolled in a university and I'm going home to study."

"And what are you studying?"

"Logic"

"Logi...

Why did the chicken cross the road? Let's make a list

Let's make a list of all the reasons why the chicken crossed the road!

I'm a chick magnet

The repelling type

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What do you call a chick that don’t suck dick?

You don’t.

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

I once dumped a cross-eyed chick.

Thought she was seeing someone else.

Whats the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

The difference is Trump never paid 50k to have a garbanzo bean on his face

This chick was beautiful so I asked her if she was a cop

Because she took my breath away

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A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road when they saw some corn in a ditch just across the road.

The horse walked over to eat the corn.

Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.

So he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”

When the chicken gets to the f...

My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

(long) Life lessons learned on a farm.

One day, a chicken and horse were walking in a field when all of a sudden, the horse fell into a thick bed of mud. Failing to pull him out, the horse said, "Quick! Get the farmer! He'll help me!"

The chicken ran back to the farmhouse and pounded on the door, but no one answered. He dashed in...

A Chicken tried out to be the new spokesperson for Chick-Fil-A

Unfortunately, she didn't meat egg-spectations.









(I'm not sorry)

Someone told me crazy chicks are amazing in bed.

At least I know I'm sane.

Joe Biden walks into a bar and sees a pretty, young blonde chick.

He sits down next to her and says "So, do I come here often?"

Why was the man with hummus spilled on his shirt called kinky?

Because he had some chick-pea all over him.

How do you get a fat chick into bed?

Piece of cake.

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A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

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If a blind chick tells you that your penis is huge...

She’s pulling your leg...

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

My best friend is a chicken

I don't really wanna be friends with him but he sure does know a lot of chicks

What do you call a chubby chick riding cowboy?

A triglyce-ride

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A peep of baby chickens were stuck in a hole

A rooster comes along and immediately offers to help, he runs back to the farm to get farmer’s BMW to pull out the baby chickens.

While the rooster was on his way to the farm, a horse comes along and stands over the hole, lowers his penis into the hole forming a ramp and all the chickens run...

A chick asked me for a meal

I told her i don't serve food.

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

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A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.<...

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I used to sleep with this German chick and every time we had sex she used to rate me....

I used to average about five or six, Then one day I stuck it in her ass without telling her and she started screaming “NINE, NINE, NINE”
that was the highest rating I ever got..

Last night I went to a bar and the craziest thing happened. Some chick got her nipple pierced in front of me!

On an unrelated subject... I suck at darts.

Playgrounds are a great place to meet chicks.

Their moms, too!

My Jamaican buddy is dating a Spanish chick. He doesn't like her granddad, Juan...

But he does like Hernando.

Did you hear about the computer chicks that ate each other's feces?

2 Girls 1 CPU

What do you call a metal head who’s into banging fat chicks?

Down with the Thiccness

Deadpool sends a sms to Wolverine.

Deadpool: Is that chick who can walk through walls still around?

Wolverine: Kitty? She's kinda dead right now.

D: Damn. What about the blue guy that at teleports?

W: Kurt's dead too.


D: How about Jean? She moves stuff with her mind right?



W: You loc...

What is the opposite of a chick flick?

A Rush concert.

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

After three periods, the hockey player takes a shower.

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Just this week I fucked a dozen chicks

Next week, I'll try girls.

I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number.

and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.

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A Chinese moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt thes...

I started dating this blonde chick last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar...

Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."

A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks.

One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”

“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to...

A man decides to raise chickens.

So he drives to the next farm and buys 50 chicks there.

After a month the man goes to the farmer again and buys another 50 chicks.

When the man shows up at the farmer again in the third month, the farmer asks him whether the chicken rearing is successful or not.

The man just shr...

Yeah man, I tell ya what, man, that dang ol’ internet, man, you just go in on there and point and click, talk about w-w-dot-w-com, mean you got the naked chicks on there, man, just go click, click, click, click, click, it’s real easy, man.

OK, Boomhauer

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Why did the butt plug cross the road?

The chick farted.

Didja hear about the two fat chicks flouting social distancing rules while going for a walk?

They just wanted to flatten their curves.

Three women meet at the pearly gates

After dying, three women end up at the pearly gates and are questioned by St. Peter. He asks if they believe they are worthy of entering heaven; to which all answer that they are but they don’t know if someone is waiting for them on the other side.

St. Peter let’s them choose between the unk...

Saw a fat chick wearing a shirt that said “guess”

So I said about 340, now she wants to fight

A really fat Chinese chick came on to me at the club.

Yes, she was a won-ton woman.

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How do you call two boobless chicks living together?

Flatmates

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

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Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

"Luigi, what was the name of that Schumer chick that no one likes?"

"It's Amy, Mario."

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The Horse and the Chick

The horse and the chick were best friends. One day when they were walking around the farm together, the horse fell into a patch of quicksand. He couldn't get out no matter how much he struggled. The chick suddenly had an idea:

"I know! The farmer just bought a new Porsche SUV. I'll use that t...

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A chick with 12 boobs sounds weird..

Dozen tit?

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What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex.

You don’t.

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

Dating life

If my relationship doesn't work out I want to be a suicide hotline doctor... I need a nice way to meet chicks with no strings attached.

You know, I think I wanna become a farmer.

I’d get so many chicks...

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An exotically dressed prostitute is perusing the meat section of the supermarket, looking perplexed.

The butcher walks over to her and asks, “Can I help you find something?”

The prostitute explains that she while she was selecting some chicken to grill, she realized she wasn’t sure if the meat was from a hen or rooster.

Surprised, the butcher replies, “You know, I’d never considered...

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A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

A guy goes to a strip club with his friends

As they enter they see a huge naked fat chick dancing in the table. The guy says “Nice legs” and the fat lady replies “Oh you really think so?”. The guy then says “Yeah definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now”

Please excuse any mistakes you may see as english is not my first langu...

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I went on a date with a blind chick the other day.

We made it back to my place and things started getting hot when she reached up my pants.

She said " Damn! You have the biggest dick I've ever played with!"

I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."

What did the necrophile do when he met a hot chick?

He took her out.

An italian is picking up chicks at the bar

While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes loudly.

Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?”

After a slight pause...

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A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week.

But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.

What do you call a doubtful side-chick?

A second thot.

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What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese chick?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

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What’s the difference between Auschwitz and Chick-fil-A

Auschwitz accepted gays

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"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."

Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.

Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck....

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I asked a Chinese chick for her number

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

I am dating this half korean chick

I am dating this half korean chick
Her mom is korean
And her dad is korean
But her legs got ripped of in a car accident

Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly?

Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.

A horse and a chick are playing in a meadow...

After a time, the horse gets stuck in the mud. Frantic, he tells the chick to run to the farm and get the farmer to pull him out.

The chick runs as fast as her little legs will carry her and reaches the farm to find the farmer is nowhere to be seen. She finds an open window into the farmhous...

What do you call a threesome with two Vietnamese chicks?

A Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

I told this gamer chick...

You wanna experience the fastest data transfer rate known to man?

She was very excited until I unzipped my pants.

:rimshot:

What's common between long distance relationships and fat chicks?

Both don't work out.

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A man and an ostrich walk into a bar...

The man asks for a beer and the bartender obliges.

"Ahem," says the ostrich. The bartender looks up at it. It nods its head at the beer in front of the man and says, "I'll have the same." Bartender shrugs and gets a second beer for the bird.

After a few hours of drinking in silence, th...

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A poor man goes to a sex club

After standing in line to get in het gets to the doorman. "What can I get for $5" the poor man says.

"You can get into the mystery room" says the doorman and he proceeds to lead the poor man to a door. Once he opens the door he sees a big round chamber with in the middle a donkey with a small...

My girl is so insecure...

Even though she doesn't find any hair on my clothes she still be like "Who's the bald chick?!".

I like fried chick peas....

But I dont think it agrees with me. Everytime I eat them I Falafel.

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Three men are stranded on the desert, under the scorching sun they see a shining light in the distance

To their surprise it's a genie lamp.

Desperate as they are all three rub the lamp at the same time.

A genie comes out and says: "Oh-ho! You've awaken me and as thanks I will grant 1 wish to each of you, just jump over these rocks and say what your want as you jump and a pile of what y...

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