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Chick Jokes

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open..

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar...

Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

What's the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

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I was gonna fuck this Egyptian chick,..

But she was on her pyramid, so I fucked her mummy instead.

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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

The chick I picked up wanted to play doctor

So i sat her on a chair in the hallway and let her wait for 2 hours

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings...

Girl winks at the bartender and asks, "Is it true hot chicks don't pay for their drinks here?"

Bartender: "Yes, that's been our policy for years! Here's your check."

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"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."

Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.

Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck....

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I was on the bus with my gf and this smoking hot Thai chick sat next to me. I thought "don't get a boner, don't get a boner."

But she did.

Been chatting and flirting with this 14 year old chick

Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How freakin' cool is that for someone her age.

Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick ?

U can drop her off anywhere

An italian is picking up chicks at the bar

While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes loudly.

Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?”

After a slight pause...

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Worst joke I know (nsfw)

I was eating out this chick and I tasted horse semen.
So I looked up and said " Ew grandma! Is that how you died?"

How do you get a fat chick into bed?

Piece of cake.

I used to date this cross-eyed chick

We didn't last. We did not see eye-to-eye.

It's OK though. She was seeing someone on the side anyway.

I was dating a schizophrenic chick and

I left her cause she was seeing other people

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The Horse and the Chick

The horse and the chick were best friends. One day when they were walking around the farm together, the horse fell into a patch of quicksand. He couldn't get out no matter how much he struggled. The chick suddenly had an idea:

"I know! The farmer just bought a new Porsche SUV. I'll use that t...

You know what chicks love?

Sweeping generalizations.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

What’s the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

A hockey player changes his pads after three periods.

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

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Why does a horny deaf chick wear tight pants?

So that you could read her lips

At first I thought one side chick was enough

But now I'm having second thots.

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Chick called me a dick

Didnt know she had it in her

How do you woo a chick with no legs?

You pick her up.

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An old fat chick walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder.

She says, "I will fuck and suck anyone who can tell me how much this parrot weights."
A drunk guy in the back yells, "500 POUNDS!"
She says, "Close enough."

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Galley Chick

The Airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the ...

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What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese chick?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

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As an Irish guy, it's tough dating a vegan chick...

My dick is just too small to get past all that pubic hair. :(

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

What did the chick pea say when it got a stomach ache?

I falafel.

I started dating this blonde chick last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

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A chick and a horse

A chick and a horse are playing in a farm. The horse falls into quicksand and starts sinking. “Quick, get the farmers Ferrari and throw me a rope to pull me out” says the horse. So the chick gets the Ferrari and pulls the horse out and everyone was ok. The next day, the chick and the horse are playi...

A man goes into a restaurant with an ostrich

They sit down and order:

'I'd like a hamburger, fries and a Coke,' says the man, then turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?'

'The same', says the ostrich.

A few minutes later, the waitress brings the food and the bill.

'$6.40,' she says.

The man takes out the exact ...

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Why did the conspiracy theorist chick shave her pussy?

Because Bush did 9/11

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.

My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

Some chick got her nipple pierced at the bar last night.

I'm not very good at darts.

I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week.

But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.

I am a chick magnet you know.

Don’t assume I attract.

What do you call an anorexic chick…

What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

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Why are girls called chicks?

Because they produce eggs or because they love cocks?

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Got a hand job from a blind chick..

She said I had the biggest dick she had ever seen.

I said no you're just pulling my leg!

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I once dated a chick who had a side gig as a clown. [NSFW]

Her pussy always tasted funny.

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What do a 9 volt battery and a hot chick's asshole have in common?

You know you shouldn't but you are going to put your tongue on it eventually.

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I once met a guy named Charlie who pulled chicks left and right...

I asked him "how do you have so many girls?" and he mentioned that they always come back to him.

"My secret, is before having sex, I'll whip out my dick and bang it against the fridge. That way it gets numb and I last longer making my woman feel good."

So that night I went home to my w...

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What did the blind chick say on the porn set?

Didn’t see that one coming

Why was the bird so bad at picking up chicks?

Because he had a small pecker

Joe Biden walks into a bar and sees a pretty, young blonde chick.

He sits down next to her and says "So, do I come here often?"

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Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl...

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I've really got into dating black chicks recently.

Not because they take my fancy but I'm really bad at meeting the dad.

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

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What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex.

You don’t.

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A chick with 12 boobs sounds weird..

Dozen tit?

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Y’all hear of about that one chick who’s addicted to jerking men off?

Lots of guys say that she cums in handy!

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I was walking with my new boyfriend and ran into my ex…

He came up smugly to my new boyfriend and said,

“Hey asshole, let me tell you something. This chick over here, she’s worn out goods. I’ve used her before."

"Don't worry babe, just the front two inches, everything else is brand new.”

Edited: Based on amazing feedback by u/vp_port

This chick was beautiful so I asked her if she was a cop

Because she took my breath away

NSFW: what's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint?

The joint won't get passed around the entire show.

Impressing Chicks On The Beach

A scrawy guy has a hard time attracting women on the beach....so he goes to the life guard and asks for advice and the lifeguard tells him "Next time...wear a speedo 2 sizes small and drop a potato inside" the guy decides to follow the advice

The next day...the scrawny guy comes back and all...

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I asked a Chinese chick for her number

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

On the farm

A horse and a chick go for a walk. The horse gets stuck in the mud and yells to the chick to help me I’m stuck. The chick runs back to the farm to get the farmer but the farmer has gone to town with the tractor. So the chick sees the new BWM and grabs a rope and jumps into the BMW and drives to the ...

I like fried chick peas....

But I dont think it agrees with me. Everytime I eat them I Falafel.

What is the opposite of a chick flick?

A Rush concert.

A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks.

One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”

“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to...

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How do you call two boobless chicks living together?

Flatmates

I told this gamer chick...

You wanna experience the fastest data transfer rate known to man?

She was very excited until I unzipped my pants.

:rimshot:

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I love fucking German chicks

But I hate how they always scream their age during sex

A chick asked me for a meal

I told her i don't serve food.

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

Someone told me crazy chicks are amazing in bed.

At least I know I'm sane.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

What do you call a chubby chick riding cowboy?

A triglyce-ride

I tried incubating some chicks but turns out my rooster is sterile.

Oh well.
No harm, no fowl.

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I once dated this really cute chick

But her dad was a cock

I am dating this half korean chick

I am dating this half korean chick
Her mom is korean
And her dad is korean
But her legs got ripped of in a car accident

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Two married chicks...

...that have been long time friends, go out one night for a couple of drinks. After a few hours spent in a bar, and after they had 10 cocktails each, now dark outside, they decide to walk home.

One of them suddenly says: 

 \- Girl, I gotta take a piss RIGHT ABOUT NOW, no way I can make...

The reason I married an Asian chick...

Is so I get to eat Chinese every night.

A Chicken tried out to be the new spokesperson for Chick-Fil-A

Unfortunately, she didn't meat egg-spectations.









(I'm not sorry)

I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A...

They were raising canes.

What do you call a doubtful side-chick?

A second thot.

I’m not a player, I’m a gamer. Players get chicks.

I get bullied at school.

Saw a fat chick wearing a shirt that said “guess”

So I said about 340, now she wants to fight

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A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

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What is it when u cum in the mouth of a chick that has braces?

The 1st time u see ur kid behind bars!

Did you hear about the female condor that had chicks with no male involved?

Apparently this is pretty common. My wife had the same thing. She said her doctor couldn’t figure it out.

Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks?

Because his number couldn't fit in their phones

I'm such a great chick magnet

Too bad I'm the kind that repels rather than attracts

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Just this week I fucked a dozen chicks

Next week, I'll try girls.

I really liked this cashier chick..

But I couldn't teller

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What’s the difference between Auschwitz and Chick-fil-A

Auschwitz accepted gays

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

I consider myself somewhat of a chick magnet.

I just have trouble changing the polarity.

The little chicks were misbehaving.

The mother hen said to them “If your father knew how bad you were he’d turn over on his rotisserie.”

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