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As an Asexual person, I avoid sarcasm.

I'm really bad at fucking with people

(....I am sorry, I'll see myself out)

I just realized that everyone tries to avoid me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

People keep avoiding me because they think I'm a heartless murderer, but I do have a heart.

Well, 28 to be exact.

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The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.

Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"

Tony did all he could to avoid maths & decided to study Botany.

He later became famous for discovering that discarded tree trunks emit a regular pattern of sounds & is now focused on calculating the sounds.

After avoiding maths, he still ended up in a career solving Log rhythms

What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room

Ever since I got my left leg amputated, every girl has been avoiding me.

I got into a car accident a few years back and had my left leg amputated. Getting used to balancing myself on 1 leg and crutches took a lot of time. I felt that without my precious left leg, i would never be the same.

My confidence dropped severely, and the passion i had for all the things i ...

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Try to avoid messing with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it difficult to pull it off.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

How do you avoid procrastination?

I have a great punchline, but I’ll edit it in later.

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How does one avoid an arrest for prostitution?

Make sure the camera is rolling. It's a porno right?

You won't believe how 90% people discovered they cant avoid clickbait!

Apparently you are in the 90%

I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

What is the best way to avoid asian flu?

Have a Phu shot.

I wouldn't say that I'm avoiding commitment . . .

but I wouldn't say that I'm not.

"Today I'm planning to read a book on how to avoid information overload"

"But before I start reading, I need to catch up on my latest tv shows, games, news and reddit, and-"

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

I asked my girlfriend how she avoids click-bait..

Her answer may shock you!

How to avoid clickbait ?

Not like this

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

Avoid dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.

As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a v...

Why do public servants avoid looking out the window before lunchtime?

So they'll have something to do in the afternoon.

Trump tries to avoid the wind, not because of his hair...

But because of the draft.

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Safe Driving

Officer: Why did you deliberately run into that crowd of people?!

Man: Well, my brakes failed. There was a crowd on one side of the road, and a single man on the other.

Officer: SO WHY DID YOU HIT THE CROWD!?!

Man: Naturally, I swerved left to avoid the crowd, and hit that singl...

Why did the safety manager avoid the pile of LSD in the middle of the floor?

He felt it was a tripping hazard.

Why did the Anti vax person avoid college parties?

There were way too many shots going around.

A lot of conflict in the Wild West....

....could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Elderly Woman

“An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."


Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you ha...

Actual transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95...

*US Ship*: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

*Canadians*: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

*US Ship*: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

*Canadians*: "N...

I'm a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

A good advice to avoid click bait

Better luck next time.

What kind of dinosaur avoids manual labour?

Mybakisaur.

An old Man is in the big city the first time in his life for an doctors apointment.

He takes a taxi, a mercedes, to get to his appointment. The whole ride he bombards his driver the most stupid questions about live in the big city. The taxi driver gehts more and more irritated about the questions.

Finally the man asks: "What´s the star in the middle of your hood for?"
...

Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils?

He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.

I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.

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One day a scientist had a brilliant idea

He thought to himself, "People are so preoccupied with talking animals, why don't i make the first ever talking food!". This was a momentous idea that he just had, and he thought it best to experiment on his favourite food item: Matzo balls.

The scientist made a matzo ball, and after much tri...

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "*YOU* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 war planes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! ...

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Two nums were ordered to paint the sanctuary which was being refurbished.

To avoid splattering paint on their habits, they decided to lock the doors and paint in the nude.

After a while, they heard a knock on the door and asked "Who is it?"
The answer came back "Blind man!"

They shrugged and decided to open the door, the blind man couldn't see their...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

What state do miners avoid?

Ore gon

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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

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A new professor asked one of his former teachers how to avoid getting nervous when speaking in front of the class.

“I always just pictured my audience naked.” He replied.

“But Mr. Jameson...” said the professor, “You taught Kindergarten.”

I don't like stairs.

They're always up to something. I'm taking steps to avoid them.

Q: What was the first Harry Potter Movie...

A: Die Hard. A man sneaks around a tower trying to avoid Alan Rickman.

Yo Mama so fat

I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas

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We are getting there

A man walks into the bathroom and takes his position at the urinal. He is joined by a 6ft tall black man.

Going about his business he accidentally looks over and is amazed at the size of his neighbours johnson.

Both men go to wash their hands and the first man leans over and says. "Tel...

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.



Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other replied.
...

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How to avoid tickets

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for...

Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.

One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoo...

I walked in on my son making out with his girlfriend. "Oh, woah, what's this?" I asked. He's been avoiding me ever since...

... and keeps mumbling something about me being a "furry"

My mother always told me to avoid dating people who wear Doc Martens

They've got trusty shoes

Why do pirates avoid sailing in shallow water?

With only one eye, they have terrible depth perception.

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

I've been avoiding this guy who lost all his toes in a freak knife accident.

When he asked me why, I told him its because I'm lack toes intolerant.

Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled.

Tickets are non-refundable.

There are so many scams on the internet. It’s hard to avoid them.

Luckily I know how. Pm me $19.95 and I’ll explain the details.

Always avoid alliteration

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian.

You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a j...

My doctor told me I should avoid trans fats

So I've just deleted my Tumblr.

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A guy is sentenced to prison

On his first day, he is very anxious because of the stories he heard.

At showering time, a big tattooed guy comes over, lays his hand on his shoulder and tells him:

"Okay, so here is how this goes. Every new guy will get fucked by an older inmate on his first day here. But I'm leaving ...

Do you know how to avoid reposts?

Apparently yes, because this is not a repost. Good job.

A woman once gave birth to 100 children and to avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately, all of them, except for #90, died at a very young age...

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman.

She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son.

Unlike her own mother, she gave her offspring actual names.

But their names don't matter.

One day, the daughter and the son came acros...

Everyone is on Trump for avoiding the WWI Memorial because of rain, but it was really Melania who didn’t want to go.

She doesn’t remember what it’s like to be wet.

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I try to avoid sexual innuendos

But it’s hard. Soo hard.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still go...

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I understand many men avoid female urologists because they fear the embarrassment in case they get a boner.

But (whispering) wouldn't this be even more embarrassing with a male one?

Avoiding click-bait is impossible.

My point exactly.

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

The Cuckoo Clock Mayhem

I was invited for dinner with my old friends.

I swore to my wife that I'd be back at midnight. She didn't believe me, but I still went there.

The meal was very tasty, time flied, my blood was already scarce compared to all of the alcohol and I was extremely drunk. At about 3 AM, I went...

Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?

Obviously not.

gg y'all, inbox = rekt

Got vaccinated, avoided swine flues. Got vaccinated, avoided bird flues. Then I bought a house with two fireplaces.

Got chimney flues.

What do vegans and introverts have in common?

Both avoid meet.

If I was a vampire I would have to avoid blood type B-.

It brings me down.

WARNING: Men should avoid drinking beer

Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.

In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed th...

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Why are companies who sell snacks sexist?

Cause they avoid trans fat

I finally understand why Americans refuse to switched from pounds to kilograms

They want to avoid mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do aliens avoid having sex in public?

They prefer to come in peace

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These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven

When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."

So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their...

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Walmart installed a medical kiosk

For $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog cr...

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

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I hate the reasons girls come up with to avoid sex

"I'm tired, I've had a long day, I have a headache, I'm your sister"....

How do cows avoid stepping into their own piles?

They outmanurever them.

I have a super easy way to see how good you are at avoiding click bait.

Turns out you are terrible at it..

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How does a robot avoid getting caught for public masturbation?

He nuts and bolts.

The *REAL* Way to Avoid Clickbait

Seriously guys, this is Reddit.

What were you expecting?

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A good friend of mine asked a plumber the best way to avoid clogging the toilet. The plumber told him he should only pee and never poop.

My friend was like, "Really? No shit?"

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

There are so many scams on the internet nowadays...

Send me three easy installments of $19.99, and I'll tell you how to avoid all of them!

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One should avoid marriage at any cost. Marriage is hard work. And compromise. And more work.

Even Hitler committed suicide 40 hours after marriage.

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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:


"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake....

Nothing is funnier than watching newscasters try to avoid saying sh*t hole

By saying as*hole

Don't trust people who avoid the sun.

They're shady.

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

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