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Avoid Jokes

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?

Obviously not.

gg y'all, inbox = rekt

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

Take steps to avoid this...

Gossiping in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."

Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled.

Tickets are non-refundable.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely

if architects in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do elderly halflings avoid taking viagra?

Because old Hobbits die hard.

The *REAL* Way to Avoid Clickbait

Seriously guys, this is Reddit.

What were you expecting?

My mailman is very reticent and avoids small talk.

He is a man of few words but a lot of letters.

My doctor told me I should avoid trans fats

So I've just deleted my Tumblr.

Why did the chicken avoid the military draft?

To avoid being placed in the same unit as Colonel Sanders.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grandpa avoided orgasms his entire life!

No one could even cum close to him.

Wife: “You keep on finding ways to avoid taking responsibility for your wrongdoing.”

Me: “I’m truly sorry that you feel this way.”

I eat to avoid boredom

It's my snacktivity

My local council decided to build road signs saying "Avoid Distractions".

There's been an increase in car accidents ever since.

If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it.

Because
#**YOU SHALL NOT PASS!**

What is the best way to avoid asian flu?

Have a Phu shot.

Why do predators avoid the 100 Acre Wood?

They don't want to eat Pooh.

How do good drug dealers avoid getting caught?

They know high people in places.

In 2022, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It's a solid plan.

A man is trying to avoid being conscripted.

He runs from his house as soldiers come for him. As he heads down the street, he sees a nun. He runs up to her and says "please sister, let me hide under your dress, I don't want to die in the war".

The nun takes pity on him and lets him hide under her dress. The soldiers pass them by. As he...

What does Joan of Arc avoid at cookouts?

Burning steaks.

Why do people named Bart avoid pubs?

They’re all scared of the bartender.

My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress

So I didn't open his bills

Are you good at avoiding clickbait titles?

Apparently not.

I'm trying to avoid carcinogens...

asbestos I can...

How do you avoid getting kissed?

Take Antikisstamines

What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do sumo wrestlers avoid skydiving?

Because a fat man falling to Japan is a bad idea

WARNING: Men should avoid drinking beer

Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.

In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed th...

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate the reasons girls come up with to avoid sex

"I'm tired, I've had a long day, I have a headache, I'm your sister"....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a robot avoid getting caught for public masturbation?

He nuts and bolts.

I found a book on how to avoid procrastination...

I think I'll read it tomorrow

How to avoid clickbait. Rule 1: Don't click on this.

Rule 2: You are all hopeless idiots.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you avoid a sharp pain in your eye while drinking chocolate milk?

Take the spoon out of the glass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do doctors recommend avoiding sexual contact with the ears

Hearing Aids

Why do anti-vaccine marches avoid bridges?

Because the marchers are so dense the bridge may not hold.

Why does Drax avoid automatically flushing toilets?

They flush early when he stands still.

Don't trust people who avoid the sun.

They're shady.

Where should you avoid crunching the numbers for pi?

Over the carpet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an Asexual person, I avoid sarcasm.

I'm really bad at fucking with people

(....I am sorry, I'll see myself out)

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini factory tour. Fortunately the machine wasn't switched on.

He is reportedly shaken

Why do apples avoid being seen with Martha Stewart?

to avoid suspicion of in-cider trading

If Trump wanted to avoid impeachment...

...he should’ve falsely claimed there were WMDs in Iraq

The CDC advises to avoid handshakes.

Jeffery Dahmer: AWWW

Mathematicians tend to avoid sunlight

Cos tan is a sin

How do desk fans avoid Coronavirus?

They self-oscillate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Try to avoid messing with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids?

A traffic cone.

*what did you expect?*

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

Why did the sailor avoid the store with a big sale on boating supplies?

It was an oar deal

What's the second most effective thing you can swallow to avoid getting pregnant?

Birth control pills

Marie Antoinette could have avoided the French Revolution

Marie Antoinette could have avoided the French Revolution simply by issuing an edict the distribute bread among the poor.
However, she didn’t do that because you can’t have your cake and edict too.

What country should the clumsy ambassador avoid handling?

China.

Avoid dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey man, i avoided the draft.

Bullshit. What did you do?


I ran.

The Greek learned you could avoid pregnancies by using sheep intestines.

The English later learned it also works if you remove it from the sheep first.

Where are people in Dallas staying to avoid getting Ebola?

The Cowboys Stadium.

Because they can't catch anything there.

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Yo mama so fat. . .

I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

Always avoid alliteration

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian.

You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a j...

How do you avoid procrastination?

I have a great punchline, but I’ll edit it in later.

Massive tip to avoid Coronavirus

Avoid social interact-

Oh wait... nvm

A good advice to avoid click bait

Better luck next time.

An Egyptian prince bathes in a nearby river to avoid the reality of his father's recent death...

He's a Pharoah in deNile.

How to avoid the corona-virus

Eat garlic. Lots of garlic.

It won't do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

Webinar: How to Avoid Fraud. Registration Fee $99

The webinar is canceled. Registration fee is non refundable.

How do snakes avoid making babies?

Using an Anacondom.

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

How does honeysuckle avoid predators?

Invasive maneuvers.

People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

During this pandemic be sure to avoid postal workers...

They’re all couriers.

Well, we can’t use the expression ‘avoid it like the plague’ anymore.....

Coz apparently humans do not do that.

Just got the email "Webinar on how to avoid frauds is cancelled"

And the fee is non-refundable.

Why do cannibals avoid eating Chinese people?

Because they're hungry again in 20 minutes.

What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

Would it have been possible to avoid the disaster of Chernobyl?

In theory yes, but those damn Swedes couldn't keep their mouth shut.

Got vaccinated, avoided swine flues. Got vaccinated, avoided bird flues. Then I bought a house with two fireplaces.

Got chimney flues.

Which type of shoes does Captain Hook avoid wearing?

Crocs

Why is Roy Moore avoiding COVID-19?

He’d much rather catch COVID-16.

If you play hide and seek in a hospital what area should you avoid

The ICU

Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils?

He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does one avoid an arrest for prostitution?

Make sure the camera is rolling. It's a porno right?

Avoiding click-bait is impossible.

My point exactly.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Do everything humanly possible to avoid getting COVID-19 now.

I just heard they're releasing COVID-20 next month.

Why did the Anti vax person avoid college parties?

There were way too many shots going around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do aliens avoid having sex in public?

They prefer to come in peace

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I try to avoid sexual innuendos

But it’s hard. Soo hard.

Do you know how to avoid reposts?

Apparently yes, because this is not a repost. Good job.

Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

Did you know that the Netherlands imports all oatmeal to avoid copyright laws?

Because if they produced locally they would be making Holland Oats.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that we have to wash our hands and avoid hand shakes,

Very few friends, family members and coworkers get my penis residue on them.

Micky Mouse isn't quick enough to avoid my punches.

But Donald ducks.

Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes

Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way

Why do ISIS fighters avoid Montreal restaurants?

because they serve Poutine.

Why do pirates avoid sailing in shallow water?

With only one eye, they have terrible depth perception.

I just realized that everyone tries to avoid me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait?

Doesn't seem like it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, I man is very under endowed and avoids sex before his wedding night.

In the dark he takes his bride's hand and puts it on his penis. She says "No thanks. I don't smoke."

If you have epilepsy, it's important to avoid reading Roman history books.

It could cause a Caesar.

Why do terrorists avoid Indian food?

Cause when you've got C-4 falling out of your ass, the last thing you need is sudden, explosive diarrhoea.

What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light?

fiber optics

What kind of dinosaur avoids manual labour?

Mybakisaur.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you avoid sexual encounters with The Fonz?

Because he has Ayyyds.

Want to avoid hangovers?

Keep drinking forever. your liver and wallet will adjust.

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