Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

Did you know that the Netherlands imports all oatmeal to avoid copyright laws?

Because if they produced locally they would be making Holland Oats.

During this pandemic be sure to avoid postal workers...

They’re all couriers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light?

fiber optics

Just got the email "Webinar on how to avoid frauds is cancelled"

And the fee is non-refundable.

What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids?

A traffic cone.

*what did you expect?*

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

How do you avoid a government phone call?

You let freedom ring.

Mathematicians tend to avoid sunlight

Cos tan is a sin

Webinar: How to Avoid Fraud. Registration Fee $99

The webinar is canceled. Registration fee is non refundable.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Do everything humanly possible to avoid getting COVID-19 now.

I just heard they're releasing COVID-20 next month.

Wanna avoid shady cults?

Just practice safe sects

A man was driving on the highway when suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck front of him.

Seconds later, a police officer pulled him over for reckless driving. As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed that the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.

"Okay," replied t...

Are you good at avoiding clickbait titles?

Apparently not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that we have to wash our hands and avoid hand shakes,

Very few friends, family members and coworkers get my penis residue on them.

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

Doctor : You are obese, to live long enough you have to avoid three things.

Patient : Sure doctor... What are those...?

Doctor : Breakfast Lunch & Dinner !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man is holding auditions for a pianist and in comes the last one..

He comes in and starts the play the most beautiful song the man has ever heard. The song is so beautiful the man starts crying and ask, “What is the name of that song?”

The pianist then says “Oh, this song right here? It’s called my bone in your ass.”

The man then takes a moment and g...

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

If you play hide and seek in a hospital what area should you avoid

The ICU

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven...

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they...

The other day I was trying to help a blind man avoid the stairs...

So I yelled “watch out!” He still fell down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

How do desk fans avoid Coronavirus?

They self-oscillate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided.

had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

How do snakes avoid making babies?

Using an Anacondom.

The United States appears to be successfully avoiding a second wave

By keeping the first wave going

So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait?

Doesn't seem like it

A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus.

After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them. The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was l...

A friendly reminder to avoid all pottery while the outbreak is going on.

They say the virus originated in china.

Did you know John Lennon wrote a song for kids who avoid green vegetables?

Give Peas a Chance!

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best way to avoid IT issue when working from home during our current circumstances...

...is to avoid the red balloon.

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

An Englishman, An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

The Welshman ducks and avoids hurting himself.

Why is Roy Moore avoiding COVID-19?

He’d much rather catch COVID-16.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an Asexual person, I avoid sarcasm.

I'm really bad at fucking with people

(....I am sorry, I'll see myself out)

Day 1: Staying home, avoiding social gatherings and eating food in my room

Day 50: Continuing with this process

Day 100: Still feeling okay

Day 2500: Now a global virus has arrived and others are doing what i do.

Which type of shoes does Captain Hook avoid wearing?

Crocs

An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no ...

I must be a pessimist,

I've been trying to avoid positive people all year

I just realized that everyone tries to avoid me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

Why do cannibals avoid eating Chinese people?

Because they're hungry again in 20 minutes.

I'll stop at nothing...

...to avoid using negative numbers.

Bonus:

What's yellow and swings from cake to cake?

Tarzipan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since getting Coronavirus symptoms, the doctor advised my wife to avoid sexual contact with me.

As if she needed the reminder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey man, i avoided the draft.

Bullshit. What did you do?


I ran.

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.

Visitors should also carry a pepp...

Since working out and getting a better job women no longer avoid me like the plague

Now they avoid me like Covid - 19

There are two kinds of people in this world...

Avoid both of them.

Why has President Trump suggested people avoid gatherings of more that 10 people?

Any higher and his supporters would have to remove their shoes and socks to continue counting.

How to avoid the corona-virus

Eat garlic. Lots of garlic.

It won't do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

Massive tip to avoid Coronavirus

Avoid social interact-

Oh wait... nvm

Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who's new bed was stolen by the cat.

We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Try to avoid messing with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

People always tell blondes blonde jokes but I enjoyed this one

A blonde was speeding in a school zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, ...

How does honeysuckle avoid predators?

Invasive maneuvers.

I'm afraid elevators.

I've been taking steps to avoid them.

What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room.

US Battleship and Canadian Navy

I remembered an old joke I read awhile back. Some details may be off, but figured I had to share:

An American battleship ship is traveling at night around Canada when the radio comes on. It says "Canadian Navy to American Battleship, we have detected that you are on a collision course with us...

What is the best way to avoid asian flu?

Have a Phu shot.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

Politics are like rick and morty

I like it, but I follow it in secret to avoid the toxic fanbase

People keep avoiding me because they think I'm a heartless murderer, but I do have a heart.

Well, 28 to be exact.

“You were able to escape the draft, Become President and now you’re trying to avoid impeachment. How?”

“I ran”

Ever since I got my left leg amputated, every girl has been avoiding me.

I got into a car accident a few years back and had my left leg amputated. Getting used to balancing myself on 1 leg and crutches took a lot of time. I felt that without my precious left leg, i would never be the same.

My confidence dropped severely, and the passion i had for all the things i ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.

Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"

People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

How do you avoid procrastination?

I have a great punchline, but I’ll edit it in later.

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"

"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

Coronavirus is real

You gotta start using UDP over TCP to avoid handshakes

Tony did all he could to avoid maths & decided to study Botany.

He later became famous for discovering that discarded tree trunks emit a regular pattern of sounds & is now focused on calculating the sounds.

After avoiding maths, he still ended up in a career solving Log rhythms

Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?

Obviously not.

gg y'all, inbox = rekt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does one avoid an arrest for prostitution?

Make sure the camera is rolling. It's a porno right?

What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

You won't believe how 90% people discovered they cant avoid clickbait!

Apparently you are in the 90%

A good advice to avoid click bait

Better luck next time.

My doctor told me I should avoid trans fats

So I've just deleted my Tumblr.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided t...

Transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Over.

Americans: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Over.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision...

My friend had an doctor appointment...

One day, my friend had an doctor's appointment and he told me he didn't want to go. He asked me if he could try to avoid it.


I replied: Then call in sick.

A man is talking to his boss...

The boss asks, "How do you avoid all stupid conversations?"

The man responded, "I always tell the person asking 'you are right.'"

The boss, confused, asks, "Why? That would just encourage them to keep making stupid conversations?"

To that, the man responds, "You are right."

I am a Social Vegan

Because I avoid Meet

Why did the Anti vax person avoid college parties?

There were way too many shots going around.

Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils?

He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.

An inventor is about to pass, leaving all he has to his only family. His two children.

He was a very altruistic person in life, only using his inventions to help people and not make any profit. His daughter admired this trait and followed this path becoming a tinkerer herself. His son, however, was an opportunist. He would always attempt to make a profit off any of his father's invent...

Twins

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road ...

Trump tries to avoid the wind, not because of his hair...

But because of the draft.

Everybody knows about my secret crush!

To avoid electronic traces or recognition of my hand writing I used a medieval-style printing machine with letters and ink to print love letters to my secret crush.

Unfortunately I slipped one day and slammed my face into the machine.

Now everybody knows about my secret crush; it’s wri...

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