As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

The United States appears to be successfully avoiding a second wave

By keeping the first wave going

How do snakes avoid making babies?

Using an Anacondom.

A friendly reminder to avoid all pottery while the outbreak is going on.

They say the virus originated in china.

Why is Roy Moore avoiding COVID-19?

He’d much rather catch COVID-16.

If you play hide and seek in a hospital what area should you avoid

The ICU

How do desk fans avoid Coronavirus?

They self-oscillate.

A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus.

After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them. The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was l...

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The best way to avoid IT issue when working from home during our current circumstances...

...is to avoid the red balloon.

Day 1: Staying home, avoiding social gatherings and eating food in my room

Day 50: Continuing with this process

Day 100: Still feeling okay

Day 2500: Now a global virus has arrived and others are doing what i do.

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided.

had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Why do cannibals avoid eating Chinese people?

Because they're hungry again in 20 minutes.

So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait?

Doesn't seem like it

An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no ...

Which type of shoes does Captain Hook avoid wearing?

Crocs

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Since getting Coronavirus symptoms, the doctor advised my wife to avoid sexual contact with me.

As if she needed the reminder.

Since working out and getting a better job women no longer avoid me like the plague

Now they avoid me like Covid - 19

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.

Visitors should also carry a pepp...

Why has President Trump suggested people avoid gatherings of more that 10 people?

Any higher and his supporters would have to remove their shoes and socks to continue counting.

How to avoid the corona-virus

Eat garlic. Lots of garlic.

It won't do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

Would you like to purchase a device that tracks how many times you've avoided buying fake worktops?

it's called my Counter Counterfeiting Counter-fitting Counter Fitting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an Asexual person, I avoid sarcasm.

I'm really bad at fucking with people

(....I am sorry, I'll see myself out)

Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Massive tip to avoid Coronavirus

Avoid social interact-

Oh wait... nvm

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Hey man, i avoided the draft.

Bullshit. What did you do?


I ran.

I just realized that everyone tries to avoid me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

How does honeysuckle avoid predators?

Invasive maneuvers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m avoiding my girlfriend

I think she wants to talk about how I can’t find her clitoris,

but I just keep beating around the bush.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"

"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

“You were able to escape the draft, Become President and now you’re trying to avoid impeachment. How?”

“I ran”

People keep avoiding me because they think I'm a heartless murderer, but I do have a heart.

Well, 28 to be exact.

#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.

They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. P...

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

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Try to avoid messing with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

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The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.

Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

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6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

I am terrified of elevators.

I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room.

Ever since I got my left leg amputated, every girl has been avoiding me.

I got into a car accident a few years back and had my left leg amputated. Getting used to balancing myself on 1 leg and crutches took a lot of time. I felt that without my precious left leg, i would never be the same.

My confidence dropped severely, and the passion i had for all the things i ...

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Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.


He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and t...

There are two types of people in this world

Avoid both!

What is the best way to avoid asian flu?

Have a Phu shot.

How do you avoid procrastination?

I have a great punchline, but I’ll edit it in later.

A teenager fails his math test

As a father was passing by his son's bedroom, he was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed, ‘Dad.’

With trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter.

“D...

Brown bears vs Grizzly bears

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see an...

I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a condom fell out of my wallet.

I was a little embarrassed.

I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.

I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.


As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, ...

You won't believe how 90% people discovered they cant avoid clickbait!

Apparently you are in the 90%

I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's plane crashes in the desert...

he's got rations and water so he can survive for very long, but as time goes by he starts longing for sex, untill one day he notices a camel. He tries to have sex with the animal, but it runs away. So, the next day, the guy tries to make a trap, but the camel avoids it.

The man spends t...

How do you get over a fear of elevators?

Take some steps to avoid them.

(Sorry for the dumb joke and if it's a repost, quarantine is hard.)

This Corona virus is a blessing

My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened in my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

I think my wife is a time traveler

I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus. Somehow she knew about this years ago.

Avoid dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.

I wouldn't say that I'm avoiding commitment . . .

but I wouldn't say that I'm not.

"Today I'm planning to read a book on how to avoid information overload"

"But before I start reading, I need to catch up on my latest tv shows, games, news and reddit, and-"

A zookeeper is having trouble sleeping...

because of a certain case, which made it so that all the zoo animals had to stay in his bedroom. One of them keeps on waking him up, but he’s not sure which one. He goes to see an expert on similar situations like this. They go over which one is the most likely. The expert says:


“It’s no...

A good advice to avoid click bait

Better luck next time.

Trump tries to avoid the wind, not because of his hair...

But because of the draft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets sent to prison for white-collar crime...

Guy gets sent to prison for white collar crime. It's his first sentence, so he decides to play it low key. His cellmate helpfully suggests if he has any questions he can just ask.

A month later, he says, "You know, I think I have the basic feel for the place, people to avoid, the guards...

Because of COVID19...

We will be converting all TCP applications to UDP to avoid handshakes.

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

I know I've never been all that attractive

But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague

Why do public servants avoid looking out the window before lunchtime?

So they'll have something to do in the afternoon.

My friend asked for tips to pick up women

I told him to lift with his legs to avoid injuring his back.

Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils?

He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.

A Christian, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist all die...

They find themselves on a path in the clouds. First they path slopes down, and they're amazed at how easy it is with the sun on their backs. When it slopes up, they're surprised to find they're not winded. The path curves around a bend slightly to the north. Continuing the curve, they feel the heat ...

Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled.

Tickets are non-refundable.

This year will be the first Cinco de Mayo ...

When Americans try to avoid getting a case of Corona.

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Tarzan knew nothing about sex when he met Jane

So Jane decide to teach him in a way that he would understand.
"listen Tarzan, what you've got between your legs is a dirty rag and what I have between my legs is a washing machine. So you just have to wash your rag in my washing machine."
Tarzan began to grow extremely fond of his newfound se...

Why did the safety manager avoid the pile of LSD in the middle of the floor?

He felt it was a tripping hazard.

It is now recommended to wear a mask inside your own home

To avoid being 400 lbs. by the time the quarantine is over.

What kind of dinosaur avoids manual labour?

Mybakisaur.

My doctor told me I should avoid trans fats

So I've just deleted my Tumblr.

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?

Obviously not.

gg y'all, inbox = rekt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tomb raider goes into a pyramid

She enters the pyramid after hearing that the pharaoh holds a great artifact. She hops and dodges all kinds of traps until she gets caught by a zombie slave.

Slave says: I'm going to make you a slave.

He forces the raider into the slave room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She ...

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.

Give a man a duck and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to duck and he avoids low flying objects!

What state do miners avoid?

Ore gon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to avoid tickets

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for...

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