UPJOKE
escapeavertshirkkeep offpreventannulshunevadequashdeflecteludestave offvoidget outward off

"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you avoid a sharp pain in your eye while drinking chocolate milk?

Take the spoon out of the glass.

Why do predators avoid the 100 Acre Wood?

They don't want to eat Pooh.

A man is trying to avoid being conscripted.

He runs from his house as soldiers come for him. As he heads down the street, he sees a nun. He runs up to her and says "please sister, let me hide under your dress, I don't want to die in the war".

The nun takes pity on him and lets him hide under her dress. The soldiers pass them by. As he...

My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress

So I didn't open his bills

What does Joan of Arc avoid at cookouts?

Burning steaks.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Why did the sailor avoid the store with a big sale on boating supplies?

It was an oar deal

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.

An Egyptian prince bathes in a nearby river to avoid the reality of his father's recent death...

He's a Pharoah in deNile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d...

In 2022, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It's a solid plan.

I found a book on how to avoid procrastination...

I think I'll read it tomorrow

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided.

had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Where should you avoid crunching the numbers for pi?

Over the carpet

Why do people named Bart avoid pubs?

They’re all scared of the bartender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heaven and ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and altho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

I saw a math-related T-shirt today

It said f(x) = |X|

AVOID NEGATIVITY

That’s ABSOLUTEly the silliest joke I ever saw.

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This...

Son: "Dad, what is the purpose for condoms?"

Dad: "To avoid conversations like this one!"

How do you avoid getting kissed?

Take Antikisstamines

"The report"

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

While trying to avoid hitting a dog, a man deviated from the road and his car fell in a hole beside the road..

He crawled hard outside the hole. A pretty woman saw him and stopped her car to help him.



"Are you OK?" the woman said.



"I am, I guess" the man said while he was trying to stand up.



"You have some blood on your face, come, get in my car and we will go to ...

What's the second most effective thing you can swallow to avoid getting pregnant?

Birth control pills

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

A thread of all the best jokes Siri has ever told me.

One day I was looking for creative task avoidance tactics, so I asked Siri to tell me a joke. Here are some of the best she had:

1. Whiteboards are quite remarkable.

2. Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always so silky. He had to condition it.

3. Did you hear about the band called 1023MB? Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest was going golfing one day...

(I don't know if this has been posted before if it has im sorry)

And had a nun to assist him. The nun puts the ball on the tee, the priest raises his club way high over his head, and swings it down in a massive arc, missing the ball by three feet. The priest is pissed, and shouts, "God dammit...

Why does Drax avoid automatically flushing toilets?

They flush early when he stands still.

If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it.

Because
#**YOU SHALL NOT PASS!**

I'm trying to avoid carcinogens...

asbestos I can...

Why do apples avoid being seen with Martha Stewart?

to avoid suspicion of in-cider trading

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do doctors recommend avoiding sexual contact with the ears

Hearing Aids

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

Three women die and end up at the entrance of heaven.

There, the three women meet the caretaker of heaven. He points out that there is only one rule in Heaven; do not step on the turtles. An odd rule but the women agree with a pinch of confusion. When they enter, the only thing they can see are turtles. Everywhere turtles. A croak croak here, a croak c...

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Why do anti-vaccine marches avoid bridges?

Because the marchers are so dense the bridge may not hold.

Ive stayed in relationships..

Just to avoid doing dishes!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do sumo wrestlers avoid skydiving?

Because a fat man falling to Japan is a bad idea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Common reasons why people lie

- To avoid getting hurt
- To avoid hurting others
- To avoid reading the fucking Terms & Conditions

What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room.

I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts

I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts

Marie Antoinette could have avoided the French Revolution

Marie Antoinette could have avoided the French Revolution simply by issuing an edict the distribute bread among the poor.
However, she didn’t do that because you can’t have your cake and edict too.

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

Well, we can’t use the expression ‘avoid it like the plague’ anymore.....

Coz apparently humans do not do that.

The Greek learned you could avoid pregnancies by using sheep intestines.

The English later learned it also works if you remove it from the sheep first.

How does a does a single, lonely man get to a point where he gets so much female attention that he goes out of his way to avoid them?

Marriage

What band do elderly people try to avoid?

The Strokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?

Obviously not.

gg y'all, inbox = rekt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

A man was deathly afraid of ice cream

So much so that the mere sight or mention of the tasty frozen treat could send him into a panic attack.

He tried to avoid it, but it was everywhere. In movies. In songs. On social media. In real life!

Due to the severity of his condition, the man resolved to find a life partner who hat...

I groped a woman on the bus and ran to avoid getting caught

It was touch and go there for a while

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, I man is very under endowed and avoids sex before his wedding night.

In the dark he takes his bride's hand and puts it on his penis. She says "No thanks. I don't smoke."

Just got the email "Webinar on how to avoid frauds is cancelled"

And the fee is non-refundable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

Are you good at avoiding clickbait titles?

Apparently not.

If Trump wanted to avoid impeachment...

...he should’ve falsely claimed there were WMDs in Iraq

A man was driving on the highway when suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck front of him.

Seconds later, a police officer pulled him over for reckless driving. As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed that the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.

"Okay," replied t...

Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes

Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way

The CDC advises to avoid handshakes.

Jeffery Dahmer: AWWW

What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids?

A traffic cone.

*what did you expect?*

A old woman visits a doctor after a falling down the stairs, injuring her hip.

Doctor: “you took quite a tumble, you are going to need to take it easy and definitely avoid stairs for several weeks while you heal.”

Woman: “I suppose I could sleep downstairs, but what if I realize I need something and it is upstairs?”

Doctor: “Do you have a neighbor you could ask ...

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

A Kentucky farmer visits his farmer cousin in Ireland. The Irish farmer lives alone and the Kentucky Farmer asks how he avoids loneliness. Irish farmer says "The Sheep." "I could never!" replies the Kentucky Farmer. "Sure you could." The Irish farmer retorts...

"...Just pretend it's a chicken."

Did you know that the Netherlands imports all oatmeal to avoid copyright laws?

Because if they produced locally they would be making Holland Oats.

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an Asexual person, I avoid sarcasm.

I'm really bad at fucking with people

(....I am sorry, I'll see myself out)

If you play hide and seek in a hospital what area should you avoid

The ICU

Would it have been possible to avoid the disaster of Chernobyl?

In theory yes, but those damn Swedes couldn't keep their mouth shut.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Do everything humanly possible to avoid getting COVID-19 now.

I just heard they're releasing COVID-20 next month.

What is the best way to avoid asian flu?

Have a Phu shot.

So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait?

Doesn't seem like it

Mathematicians tend to avoid sunlight

Cos tan is a sin

My doctor told me I should avoid trans fats

So I've just deleted my Tumblr.

I just realized that everyone tries to avoid me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

Read This One In Playboy Decades Ago

You older pervs will have heard this one.

So a young couple were out driving late, and got caught in a snowstorm. Wouldn't you know it? The car stalls while they're out in the middle of nowhere, and has to pull over to the side of the road.

The man pops the hood, exits the car & pr...

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

How do desk fans avoid Coronavirus?

They self-oscillate.

3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that we have to wash our hands and avoid hand shakes,

Very few friends, family members and coworkers get my penis residue on them.

During this pandemic be sure to avoid postal workers...

They’re all couriers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Try to avoid messing with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

Webinar: How to Avoid Fraud. Registration Fee $99

The webinar is canceled. Registration fee is non refundable.

The *REAL* Way to Avoid Clickbait

Seriously guys, this is Reddit.

What were you expecting?

What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light?

fiber optics

Drunk Son

The son arrived home drunk. To avoid being punished, he pretended to open his laptop and begin reading.

Dad: Did you come in drunk today, too?
Son: No, Dad, as you can see, I'm studying.
Dad: What are you studying by opening the suitcase, you moron?

A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus.

After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them. The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was l...

Its easy to say we could have avoided so many of the tragedies this year...

you know, hindsight is 2020.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate the reasons girls come up with to avoid sex

"I'm tired, I've had a long day, I have a headache, I'm your sister"....

A woman once gave birth to 100 children and to avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately, all of them, except for #90, died at a very young age...

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman.

She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son.

Unlike her own mother, she gave her offspring actual names.

But their names don't matter.

One day, the daughter and the son came acros...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey man, i avoided the draft.

Bullshit. What did you do?


I ran.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

Three village women are walking home from a trip to town...

(Full disclosure: I modified this joke from one in *The Pretty Good Joke Book*)

(Disclaimer: You can assign any nationality or ethnicity you like to these women. To avoid controversy, I'm calling them "Poltroonian")

So these three Poltroonian village women are walking back to their vi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A PR firm is working with a rap artist

They want to clean his image and recover his prestige. No more wild parties, no more driving under influence, no more cheating on his wife. However, it’s difficult to turn a former troublemaker artist into a family man.

“Look, we invested a lot of time and money into this,” says the PR manag...

I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

Wanna avoid shady cults?

Just practice safe sects

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

WARNING: Men should avoid drinking beer

Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.

In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed th...

Three sisters die in a car crash.

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere

God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must...

A good advice to avoid click bait

Better luck next time.

Which type of shoes does Captain Hook avoid wearing?

Crocs

How to avoid clickbait. Rule 1: Don't click on this.

Rule 2: You are all hopeless idiots.

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best way to avoid IT issue when working from home during our current circumstances...

...is to avoid the red balloon.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.