This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do doctors recommend avoiding sexual contact with the ears

Hearing Aids

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Clearly not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do sumo wrestlers avoid skydiving?

Because a fat man falling to Japan is a bad idea

If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it.

Because
#**YOU SHALL NOT PASS!**

I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts

I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts

What country should the clumsy ambassador avoid handling?

China.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, I man is very under endowed and avoids sex before his wedding night.

In the dark he takes his bride's hand and puts it on his penis. She says "No thanks. I don't smoke."

What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room.

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

The CDC advises to avoid handshakes.

Jeffery Dahmer: AWWW

What band do elderly people try to avoid?

The Strokes

A full scale naval confrontation is just avoided off the Kerry coast.

Radio transcript.


Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

Irish: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a...

Well, we can’t use the expression ‘avoid it like the plague’ anymore.....

Coz apparently humans do not do that.

Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes

Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way

Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

If Trump wanted to avoid impeachment...

...he should’ve falsely claimed there were WMDs in Iraq

A Kentucky farmer visits his farmer cousin in Ireland. The Irish farmer lives alone and the Kentucky Farmer asks how he avoids loneliness. Irish farmer says "The Sheep." "I could never!" replies the Kentucky Farmer. "Sure you could." The Irish farmer retorts...

"...Just pretend it's a chicken."

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A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

Would it have been possible to avoid the disaster of Chernobyl?

In theory yes, but those damn Swedes couldn't keep their mouth shut.

Did you hear about the mathemitician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

Did you know that the Netherlands imports all oatmeal to avoid copyright laws?

Because if they produced locally they would be making Holland Oats.

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Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

Just got the email "Webinar on how to avoid frauds is cancelled"

And the fee is non-refundable.

What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids?

A traffic cone.

*what did you expect?*

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and...

Are you good at avoiding clickbait titles?

Apparently not.

A Handful of Short Math Jokes

1. How do mathematician's scold their children?

* “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

2. A mathematician wanders back home at 3 A.M. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You're late!" she yells. "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" "Actually," the mathematici...

Kid : " What are condoms used for?"

Dad : " To avoid such questions. "

During this pandemic be sure to avoid postal workers...

They’re all couriers.

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

Its easy to say we could have avoided so many of the tragedies this year...

you know, hindsight is 2020.

What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light?

fiber optics

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

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Don't step on the ducks!

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and a...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

Mathematicians tend to avoid sunlight

Cos tan is a sin

Give a man a fish he eats for a day. What happens if you teach a man to duck?

He avoids walking into a bar.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

A man was driving on the highway when suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck front of him.

Seconds later, a police officer pulled him over for reckless driving. As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed that the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.

"Okay," replied t...

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

IMPORTANT NOTE: Do everything humanly possible to avoid getting COVID-19 now.

I just heard they're releasing COVID-20 next month.

The dangers of drinking tea

Tea is more dangerous than beer. You should avoid it, and just say NO.

I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.

You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.

I was peacefu...

Webinar: How to Avoid Fraud. Registration Fee $99

The webinar is canceled. Registration fee is non refundable.

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, “with who?“

But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.

Instead ask, “with whom? “ It is important to speak good English.

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a very religious man is praying at home when suddenly a tsunami hits.

He climbs to the roof of his house to avoid the flood and starts praying to God to save him.

"Oh God, I've worshipped you all my life, I'm not ready to die. Please save me from this flood"

After a few minutes of this, a guy on a rowing boat see's the man in distress and calls out
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun was painting the walls in her house

To avoid getting paint on her habit, she decided to do it completely nude.

She heard a knock at the door and asks "Who is it?" The voice responds "It's the blind man, can I come in?" After some thought she says "Yes, that's fine."

He opens the door and comes in. He looks to her and say...

I’ve been watching a lot of Wild West films lately.

I can’t help but think a lot of conflict and bloodshed could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just built the towns big enough for everyone.

How do you get over a fear of elevators?

Just take some steps to avoid them.

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

There are a lot of scams on the internet...

For a low price of $69 I can show you how to avoid them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that we have to wash our hands and avoid hand shakes,

Very few friends, family members and coworkers get my penis residue on them.

How do you spot the drunk driver in Pittsburgh?

They’re the only ones not swerving to avoid the pot holes.

I'm a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

If you play hide and seek in a hospital what area should you avoid

The ICU

So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait?

Doesn't seem like it

How do desk fans avoid Coronavirus?

They self-oscillate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an Asexual person, I avoid sarcasm.

I'm really bad at fucking with people

(....I am sorry, I'll see myself out)

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus.

After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them. The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was l...

A helpful bit of advice when using the internet

Avoid clickbait

I just realized that everyone tries to avoid me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best way to avoid IT issue when working from home during our current circumstances...

...is to avoid the red balloon.

A friendly reminder to avoid all pottery while the outbreak is going on.

They say the virus originated in china.

How do snakes avoid making babies?

Using an Anacondom.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

The United States appears to be successfully avoiding a second wave

By keeping the first wave going

Did you know John Lennon wrote a song for kids who avoid green vegetables?

Give Peas a Chance!

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey man, i avoided the draft.

Bullshit. What did you do?


I ran.

Which type of shoes does Captain Hook avoid wearing?

Crocs

A re-purposed religious joke for current events

A man went out without a mask, and was met with glaring eyes everywhere he went. He finally got to the store when someone confronted him as he got in.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to put on a mask. It's policy to wear one when you come in" said the guard blocking the doorway.

"No! I d...

What is the best way to avoid asian flu?

Have a Phu shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Try to avoid messing with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

A scientific study

I recently read a scientific study that was performed to investigate the number of birds being found dead in North America.

The scientists collected the dead bodies to keep accurate amounts of the deceased birds.

After months of collection, the scientists realized that nearly every s...

Why do demons avoid nuns’ clothing?

They’re repelled by force of habit.

Day 1: Staying home, avoiding social gatherings and eating food in my room

Day 50: Continuing with this process

Day 100: Still feeling okay

Day 2500: Now a global virus has arrived and others are doing what i do.

Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?

Obviously not.

gg y'all, inbox = rekt

Why is Roy Moore avoiding COVID-19?

He’d much rather catch COVID-16.

Why do cannibals avoid eating Chinese people?

Because they're hungry again in 20 minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since getting Coronavirus symptoms, the doctor advised my wife to avoid sexual contact with me.

As if she needed the reminder.

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.

Visitors should also carry a pepp...

How to avoid the corona-virus

Eat garlic. Lots of garlic.

It won't do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

Why has President Trump suggested people avoid gatherings of more that 10 people?

Any higher and his supporters would have to remove their shoes and socks to continue counting.

Since working out and getting a better job women no longer avoid me like the plague

Now they avoid me like Covid - 19

Massive tip to avoid Coronavirus

Avoid social interact-

Oh wait... nvm

Ever since I got my left leg amputated, every girl has been avoiding me.

I got into a car accident a few years back and had my left leg amputated. Getting used to balancing myself on 1 leg and crutches took a lot of time. I felt that without my precious left leg, i would never be the same.

My confidence dropped severely, and the passion i had for all the things i ...

People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

I love the Dave joke so much I decided to write a sequel

At first Dave’s boss in in complete disbelief at Dave’s popularity. But he slowly comes to his senses. He reasons that Dave couldn’t possibly know *every* person. Nevertheless, if he wants to catch Dave, naming people out of the blue isn’t working. He has to come up with a new strategy. He sits down...

How does honeysuckle avoid predators?

Invasive maneuvers.

My doctor told me I should avoid trans fats

So I've just deleted my Tumblr.

I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.

Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"

People keep avoiding me because they think I'm a heartless murderer, but I do have a heart.

Well, 28 to be exact.

My wife went off on a guy on Twitter and said he was demonstrating his Neanderthal genetics

I recommended she should avoid *ad hominin* attacks

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army.

Neither of the 3 are very happy about it and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam. As They are waiting in line at the doctors office their desperation builds up untill right before it's the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox: "Fox I might h...

“You were able to escape the draft, Become President and now you’re trying to avoid impeachment. How?”

“I ran”

How do you avoid procrastination?

I have a great punchline, but I’ll edit it in later.

A good advice to avoid click bait

Better luck next time.

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