The 110+ Best Avoid Jokes

Wife: “You keep on finding ways to avoid taking responsibility for your wrongdoing.”

Me: “I’m truly sorry that you feel this way.”

I eat to avoid boredom

It's my snacktivity

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.

Take steps to avoid this...

Gossiping in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

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How do you avoid a sharp pain in your eye while drinking chocolate milk?

Take the spoon out of the glass.

"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

Why do predators avoid the 100 Acre Wood?

They don't want to eat Pooh.

How do good drug dealers avoid getting caught?

They know high people in places.

A man is trying to avoid being conscripted.

He runs from his house as soldiers come for him. As he heads down the street, he sees a nun. He runs up to her and says "please sister, let me hide under your dress, I don't want to die in the war".

The nun takes pity on him and lets him hide under her dress. The soldiers pass them by. As he...

My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress

So I didn't open his bills

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Walmart installed a medical kiosk

Walmart installed a medical kiosk. For $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine...

What does Joan of Arc avoid at cookouts?

Burning steaks.

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There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

In 2022, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It's a solid plan.

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A guy goes to prison.

As the guard is taking him to his cell, all the inmates are cat whistling at him, winking, and shouting “see you in the shower princess”. The guy is terrified and swears to himself that he’ll never go for a shower. As the weeks go by he’s starting to smell real bad but he still refuses to take a sho...

The unlucky man

There was a very unlucky man , who whenever starts a job, they go bankrupt in a week, whenever he goes to a wedding, they get divorced in a month, whenever he buys a car, it get wrecked in days, ...etc

one day he decided to run away, thinking that even if he brings his bad luck abroad, ...

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Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

Why did the sailor avoid the store with a big sale on boating supplies?

It was an oar deal

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

An Egyptian prince bathes in a nearby river to avoid the reality of his father's recent death...

He's a Pharoah in deNile.

I found a book on how to avoid procrastination...

I think I'll read it tomorrow

I have a phobia of edges

I’m going to start cutting corners to avoid them

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided.

had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Why do people named Bart avoid pubs?

They’re all scared of the bartender.

I've got a fear of lifts

But I'm taking steps to avoid it

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.

-

I'm worried I will fall down the stairs one day...

I'd take steps to avoid it, but that's sort of the problem.

"Drive that thing like you stole it!"

One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"

Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.

To which my Dad replied, "...

If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it.

Because
#**YOU SHALL NOT PASS!**

Where should you avoid crunching the numbers for pi?

Over the carpet

While trying to avoid hitting a dog, a man deviated from the road and his car fell in a hole beside the road..

He crawled hard outside the hole. A pretty woman saw him and stopped her car to help him.

"Are you OK?" the woman said.

"I am, I guess" the man said while he was trying to stand up.

"You have some blood on your face, come, get in my car and we will go to ...

How do you avoid getting kissed?

Take Antikisstamines

What's the second most effective thing you can swallow to avoid getting pregnant?

Birth control pills

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To avoid becoming a side.

Some Russian anti-war jokes

1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.

2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."

3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they t...

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Why do doctors recommend avoiding sexual contact with the ears

Hearing Aids

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

I'm trying to avoid carcinogens...

asbestos I can...

Why does Drax avoid automatically flushing toilets?

They flush early when he stands still.

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Why do sumo wrestlers avoid skydiving?

Because a fat man falling to Japan is a bad idea

Why do apples avoid being seen with Martha Stewart?

to avoid suspicion of in-cider trading

Beware of certain doctors

I went to the doctor to have blood drawn and he bit my neck and now I am very sensitive to daylight and I have suddenly become very thirsty at night.

Whatever you do, avoid Dr. Acula!

Why do anti-vaccine marches avoid bridges?

Because the marchers are so dense the bridge may not hold.

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?

Obviously not.

gg y'all, inbox = rekt

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d...

What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room.

The Greek learned you could avoid pregnancies by using sheep intestines.

The English later learned it also works if you remove it from the sheep first.

Fearful father finds an envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

Son: "Dad, what is the purpose for condoms?"

Dad: "To avoid conversations like this one!"

I am a social vegan

I avoid meet.

Ba dum tiss

Bad boy and good girl (long)

So a guy decides he wants to date this girl. He finds out that she's quite prudish but he's willing to look past that because she's really, really pretty. After constantly asking her, she finally agrees to go out with him. One date leads to another and soon they have a steady thing going. He wants ...

I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts

I wish the auto manufacturers would make up their minds.

I was behind a van that said Dodge on the back of it then a truck that was marked Ram. What do they want us to do? Avoid them or hit them?

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

Well, we can’t use the expression ‘avoid it like the plague’ anymore.....

Coz apparently humans do not do that.

Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled.

Tickets are non-refundable.

Are you good at avoiding clickbait titles?

Apparently not.

What band do elderly people try to avoid?

The Strokes

The daddest of my dad's dad jokes

Seriously, this is his favorite one:

A cop pulls over a man who appears to be chauffeuring a penguin in a limousine.

"Sir," barks the cop, "Is that a penguin you're driving around?"

"Yes it is," the driver responds cheerfully. "Is there a problem?"

"Of course there is! Th...

I groped a woman on the bus and ran to avoid getting caught

It was touch and go there for a while

A man was driving on the highway when suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck front of him.

Seconds later, a police officer pulled him over for reckless driving. As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed that the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.

"Okay," replied t...

How does a does a single, lonely man get to a point where he gets so much female attention that he goes out of his way to avoid them?

Marriage

Marie Antoinette could have avoided the French Revolution

Marie Antoinette could have avoided the French Revolution simply by issuing an edict the distribute bread among the poor.
However, she didn’t do that because you can’t have your cake and edict too.

Just got the email "Webinar on how to avoid frauds is cancelled"

And the fee is non-refundable.

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Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

A British Airways plane...

Makes a crash landing in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean

Somehow everyone survives, and the pilot comes over the speaker system... Ladies and Gentlemen, please listen to my instructions very carefully, those who can swim I want you out on the left wing, those who cant swim, I want you out on...

What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids?

A traffic cone.

*what did you expect?*

My doctor told me I should avoid trans fats

So I've just deleted my Tumblr.

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As an Asexual person, I avoid sarcasm.

I'm really bad at fucking with people

(....I am sorry, I'll see myself out)

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

What is the best way to avoid asian flu?

Have a Phu shot.

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

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My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

If you play hide and seek in a hospital what area should you avoid

The ICU

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This...

What country should the clumsy ambassador avoid handling?

China.

The REAL Way to Avoid Clickbait

Seriously guys, this is Reddit.

What were you expecting?

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So, I man is very under endowed and avoids sex before his wedding night.

In the dark he takes his bride's hand and puts it on his penis. She says "No thanks. I don't smoke."

Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

If Trump wanted to avoid impeachment...

...he should’ve falsely claimed there were WMDs in Iraq

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

Did you know that the Netherlands imports all oatmeal to avoid copyright laws?

Because if they produced locally they would be making Holland Oats.

Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes

Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way

So, after all your time on the internet, have you learned how to avoid clickbait?

Doesn't seem like it

I just realized that everyone tries to avoid me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

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The black sponge

One day Little Johnny (who was only 4 years old at the time) was taking a shower with his mother when all of a sudden, he noticed the space between his mother’s legs.

\- “Mum what’s that black spot between your legs?” he asked her, to which she replied

\- “Oh Johnny that’s just my lit...

A Kentucky farmer visits his farmer cousin in Ireland. The Irish farmer lives alone and the Kentucky Farmer asks how he avoids loneliness. Irish farmer says "The Sheep." "I could never!" replies the Kentucky Farmer. "Sure you could." The Irish farmer retorts...

"...Just pretend it's a chicken."

The CDC advises to avoid handshakes.

Jeffery Dahmer: AWWW

A thread of all the best jokes Siri has ever told me.

One day I was looking for creative task avoidance tactics, so I asked Siri to tell me a joke. Here are some of the best she had:

1. Whiteboards are quite remarkable.

2. Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always so silky. He had to condition it.

3. Did you hear about the band called 1023MB? Th...

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A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

IMPORTANT NOTE: Do everything humanly possible to avoid getting COVID-19 now.

I just heard they're releasing COVID-20 next month.

Two guys were having car trouble.

Their car eventually broke down in the country near a farm. It was late and cold so they decided they would ask the farmer if he would put them up for the night.

They approached the farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmer, a massive bearded hulk of a man, brandishing a double-barrel...

A man is driving home from work behind a transport vehicle.

A large box of tacks flies off the back of the large, transport vehicle and into the middle of the lane. The man swerves out of the way to avoid the tacks and is consequently pulled over by a highway patrolman. The highway patrolman asks the man why he thinks he was pulled over.

The man, exas...

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Try to avoid messing with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

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A priest was going golfing one day...

(I don't know if this has been posted before if it has im sorry)

And had a nun to assist him. The nun puts the ball on the tee, the priest raises his club way high over his head, and swings it down in a massive arc, missing the ball by three feet. The priest is pissed, and shouts, "God dammit...

How do desk fans avoid Coronavirus?

They self-oscillate.

Mathematicians tend to avoid sunlight

Cos tan is a sin

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I hate the reasons girls come up with to avoid sex

"I'm tired, I've had a long day, I have a headache, I'm your sister"....

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Would it have been possible to avoid the disaster of Chernobyl?

In theory yes, but those damn Swedes couldn't keep their mouth shut.

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Now that we have to wash our hands and avoid hand shakes,

Very few friends, family members and coworkers get my penis residue on them.

A woman once gave birth to 100 children and to avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately, all of them, except for #90, died at a very young age...

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman.

She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son.

Unlike her own mother, she gave her offspring actual names.

But their names don't matter.

One day, the daughter and the son came acros...

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

I saw a math-related T-shirt today

It said f(x) = |X|

AVOID NEGATIVITY

That’s ABSOLUTEly the silliest joke I ever saw.

Webinar: How to Avoid Fraud. Registration Fee $99

The webinar is canceled. Registration fee is non refundable.

People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

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