Chivalry is dead. If you see a guy opening a car door for a gal

Either the car is new or the girlfriend is new.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

An elderly lady visits the doctor for a regular checkup...

After the checkup the doctor asks "anything else?" The old gal replies that yes, indeed there is something else but it's quite embarrassing. The doctor assures her that being a doctor, nothing fases him. So she continues "you see doctor, I've got terrible gas, funny thing is its silent and odorless....

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A guy and gal from Alabama get married

They have a very nice wedding and both families get along well. A few months later comes the honeymoon. They fly out to Hawaii. on the first night the girl tells her new husband that she is still a virgin. The husband leaves immediately and goes home to talk to his dad. The dad says “what are you do...

A hairlip gal at the prom

A hairlip gal at the prom was sitting waiting anxiously for someone to ask her to dance. Jimmy, who had a wooden eye was having problems of his own getting a dance. It was getting late so Jimmy sheepishly walked over to the gal and asked, "do you want to dance"? She stood up and exclaimed , "would i...

I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…

An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”

I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”

A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”

Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her...

A gal walks into a bar and orders the largest beer they have.

"Sometimes I just need to drown my troubles," she tells the bartender with a heavy sigh. "But I can't convince my boyfriend to go swimming."

What did the yoga teacher told the gal that asked her if she'd like to grab a drink after class?

Nah, must stay.

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"

"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do funeral mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. The...

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A poem (Nsfw)

There once was a gal from Cancun,

Who had a most curious poon.

T'was coarse like a thistle,

But tight as a whistle,

And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.

There once was a sailor from Brighton

Who said to his gal, "You're a tight 'un."

She said, "Upon my soul!

You're in the wrong hole!

There's plenty of room in the right 'un"

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There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter then spit, mutter then spit. As a man got closer he heard her say "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive" then spit.

He sits down next to her and asks "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

“Well" says the gal "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say 'sure, why not?' He picks me up and w...

From my fiancée: Once upon a time, there was a gal who lived in Liberty, OH.

She followed her dream of becoming a fashion designer and opened a store with her own fashion line.

There was a cranky old guy living down the street who absolutely loathed her work, and every day he would come to the store and publicly denounce whatever was in the window.

Then, he mov...

On their first date, a man asked his gal if she'd like a drink.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.

Later, he offered her a cigarette.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.

On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
...

Guy takes a gal to his place for dinner the other day...

...he gives her his peas and she gives him herpes

I finally understand why everyone loves Gal Gadot

She Israeli hot.

There once was a gal named Lewinsky...

Who played music like a Stravinsky.
"Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef.
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem ...

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I saw this gorgeous gal at the bar the other night.

After a while, I mustered up the courage to go talk to her. She humoured me for a while, until I bluntly asked "How would you like to have the best sex of your life tonight?"

Looking repulsed, she said to me, "No, I absolutely do NOT want that!"

I said, "That's great! I'm your man!"

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Getting Old

An older couple is driving down to Florida from New Jersey for the winter. The old lady, who has lost much of her hearing, is pulled over at the Florida state line for driving at a high rate of speed.

The officer approaches the vehcile, looks in and asks the lady, "do you know that I clocked ...

A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"What have you been up to today?" the bartender asks. "Funny you should ask. My horoscope said that my ex would pop up today," the gal says. "I've been down at the river all day, and luckily, no sign of him so far."

Gal Gadot's husband has a problem

I hear he's been doing heroine...

Guy goes into a bar trying to pick a woman...

He moves from table to table chatting up the ladies, but nobody is interested.

Then at the back of the room, he sees a dude sitting there with girls all around him, laughing, and hugging him, hanging on his every word, giggling at his every joke.

Later he sees that guy in the bathroo...

Just went on vacation in another country and met a local named Lavee. Nice enough gal but when she gets angry she becomes

Livid Lavee the Local

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panda

So this panda is tired of hanging around the zoo and decides one night, when his cage is accidently left open, that he's going to do what people do.

Being after dark, he's heads to the bar for some good 'ol fashion binge drinkin'

So this panda bear is sitting at the bar drinking some b...

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construction gal

A female carpenters first day on the job.She was told to assist the carpenters with tools and materials.Mary is in the process of bringing materials across field to work site when she notices foreman signaling to her.he touches his eye then his knee then his crotch.Mary returns his signal with her o...

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(NSFW) Kevin had a 16 inch Dick.

Is dick was so big, he couldn't get any gals.

He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.

Doctor: "I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."

"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and he'l...

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The Embed

An embed journalist is taken out to a small army outpost a few miles out of a small village in the middle of the desert, to get a firsthand look at how the soldiers lived.

Upon arrival, he’s given a tour by the NCO. He’s shown the mess hall, the water hole, and his tent. Finally, the NCO lead...

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A guy is driving with his wife a few towns away from home when out of

nowhere a cop pulls him over for speeding. The cop says, "do you know why I pulled you over?'' The guy's wife says ''What'd he say?'' "HE SAID, DID I KNOW WHY HE PULLED ME OVER." Then the cop says "you were going 45 in a school zone." "What'd he say?" "HE SAYS I WAS SPEEDING." Then the cop says, "li...

What do you call a guy who's laying down in front of a door?...Matt. What do you call a guy floating up and down in the water?... Bob. What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?...Art. What do you call a gal who you owe money to that you set on fire?...

.........................................................................................
.



.....

..BERNADETTE!!!!!!

My family is always irritated by my bad memory. "Where's the keys?" I forgot it. To all guys and gals who have a similar condition and know what I'm feeling right now, I present this joke that makes irritation fade away and smiles appear...

I forgot it.

How do you make a perfect cakeday joke?

You dont. You just beg for Karma.



(Happy 5 years guys and gals)

An old, blind man walks into an all female bar without realizing it ...

He sits down at the bar, orders a beer and yells out, "Anyone wanna hear a blonde joke?!?" The bartender, seething already, warns him, "mister, I can see that your blind, so before you go any further, let me make you aware of something. I'm blonde and also hold a black belt in karate ... the blond...

So Gal Gadot walks into a Bar....

"Sorry, Ms Rafaeli" she says.

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A Guy/Gal walks into a bar with an Ostrich/Race-horse

A good-looking young man (or woman) and an ostrich (or racehorse) walk into a bar. The two sit down, order some nachos and wind up drinking a few beers by the end of the night. When it comes time to pay the tab, the (wo)man reaches into his/her pocket and dumps a slightly-crumpled mess of bills and ...

I met Darth Vader’s wife at the mall yesterday.

Nice gal, her names’s Ella.

2 Big Old Gals Were Sitting In A Bar

A man heard them talking and noticed a foreign accent. He asked "are you ladies from Ireland?"

"WALES!!" they both replied

"Oh I'm so sorry!.... Are you two Whales from Ireland???"

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

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Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Cas...

So Pavlov goes to dinner

He’s with a nice gal, and they’re getting to know each other very well. She reaches over and kisses his cheek, right as the dinner bell rings. He stands up fast as hell and nearly knocks the poor woman over.
“What the hell is your problem psycho!?”
“I forgot to feed my dogs!”

I dug my wife’s grave today.

Poor gal thinks I was digging a pond.

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight ho...

Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.

The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion. After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party. Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door. Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright ...

Two golfers...

Two golfers were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man sai...

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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head ...

The Norse gods are sleeping off an orgy...

The God of Thunder turns to the young woman next to him and says, “I am Thor!”

The gal looks up through sleepy eyes and replies, “You think you’re Thor! I’m tho Thor I can barely pith!

(Kinda an aural joke. If you could say it out loud it might work better.)

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says “excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England”. One of the women replies “ No idiot. Wales!!!!”

The Foreigner is taken aback. “ I’m sorry, let me start over” he says. “ Excuse me. Do you two whales ha...

They've just discovered that an aspirin tablet makes a great contraceptive...

Of course, the gal needs to hold it tightly between her knees.

18th Green

After a long hot day on the golf course. Golfer walks into the 18th green bar and sits at the bar. The beautiful blond bartender says "hi, what can I get you"? The golfer looks slyly at her and says "hey, are you the gal I heard about that gives the great hand jobs"? She smiles and winks "sure am ho...

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A guy heads to the doctors office

It’s been a few years since he’s been in, so he decides to get a physical with blood work and labs.

He checks in with the same receptionist that was there years ago, and gets called in to see the doctor, who remembers him.

The doctor asks, “How have you been Pete?”

Pete replie...

The Bar with the Golden Toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with youn...

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My Favorite Joke which I’ll tell and then explain why I love it.

A sheep herder has.a new girlfriend. They’re lying in bed after a night of intimacy and engaged in pillow talk.

The gal says, “So before me, how experienced were you?”

The sheep herder starts counting and falls asleep.

————————————————————————————

Three Reasons I love thi...

Black eyes

A guy arrives at work with two black eyes. His colleagues quite naturally asked what happened. He explained, I was in an elevator with a gal in front of me that had her skirt rucked up in her crack. So I pulled it out and patted her skirt smooth for her. She then turned around and socked me in my ri...

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The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

A request...

So I found out this week that my mom has Leukemia, and is going into the hospital either today or pretty soon there after to start chemo and then hopefully get a bone marrow transplant. I've decided to send her a video of me telling a joke a day to help keep her spirits up, but I know my library of...

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musician joke

A band is playing a gig. These are the inner thoughts of the individual members.


Guitarrist: "Man I'm way to quiet. Sound guy fucked up, no one can here me"
Drummer: "Damn that gal in the first row, gonna talk to her after the show"
Keyboarder: "That keyboard is fine, but I wi...

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Three men wanted to look like women.

So they asked an old man for advise. The old man said: "Hike to the peak of that mountain. Up there is a tree. Say something to the tree, and that's what you'll look like."

When they reached the peak, the first man said, "Gal Gadot", and he looked like Gal Gadot. The second guy said "Emma Wa...

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Polish guy buys a ticket to a movie.

One minute later he buys another ticket. Another minute later he buys yet another ticket. Finally, the gal at the ticket booth say, “Why do you keep buying multiple tickets to the same film?”

The Pollack says, “Every time I try to enter the theater, this asshole rips my ticket up!”

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Talking Dog for Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting th...

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W E N D Y

A couple just got married and before their honeymoon to Jamaica the young man decided to get his new gals name tattooed on his junk, forever marking it as belonging to her. Normally only the W and Y are visible, but when he gets excited it spells out W E N D Y.

While in Jamaica they decided ...

Mad-Dog’s Lady

A rough pack of tough bikers were out for a scoot in the hill country in central Texas. Pulling into Austin, they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off Pennybaker bridge. Mad-Dog, their leader, gave the hand signal to pull up. Mad-dog, a big burly man with skin like leather, a handle bar mustache,...

I have never seen my all time favorite joke here, so I will submit relatively original content, enjoy!

There was a newspaper in a very small Midwestern farming town, comes out once a week with local news like the new library books, or the preachers sermon, and school fundraisers. One day the editor calls the reporter in and says, "I don't know what to do about the next issue. There isn't a damn thin...

Susie Lee Done Fell In Love

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half brother.”

So Su...

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Tom Hanks walks into WB studios

Tom Hanks walks into the WB studios and enters one of the many conference rooms.
As he sits down for the read -through, he notices his fellow peers sitting at the table Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill's mustache, Gal Gadot and a couple of other people he was he was only vaguely familiar with. He picks...

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An older couple is driving down the highway...

An older couple is driving down the highway when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up to the driver side window and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" And from the passenger's side, he hears a woman yell, "WWHHAAAAAT?!?" The driver turns to her and shouts, "HE WANTS T...

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The fire department gets a call about smoke coming from a barn... [NSFW]

The fire department gets a call about smoke coming from a barn. They break down the barn door, and find a young couple with a sleepy-looking Shetland pony. With one hand, the woman is holding a huge bong and blowing marijuana smoke in the pony's face. With her other hand, she is vigorously stroking...

What is your favorite one to two line joke?

Keep em coming boys and gals. This is making my 15 car ride way better!

My girlfriend and I are really close...

Guess you could say she's my right hand gal.

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If Internet browsers were girlfriends

**Firefox** is like that freaky chick that lets you do anything in bed, but has a lot of baggage that just weighs you down. Often you're caught considering those pros vs cons when evaluating staying with her.

**Chrome** is the chick that's half your age, is full of young spunky attitude, is ...

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A Man Goes to Hell...(NSFW)

A man goes to Hell, and is given a choice of which room he wants to spend eternity in. The demon leading him shows the man the first room. Inside are a bunch of people waist deep in shit.

"Nope, not this one" He says.

The demon takes him to the next room. In here everyone is neck deep...

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Free beer

A man is just walking down the street one night, and he stumbles across a bar. In the bar window reads a sign "Free beer for life, talk with the bar tender for more information". Out of curiousity the man enters. Inside he asks the bartender "Whats with the sign in the window?" The bartender replies...

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Classic Freudian Slip

Two guys are chatting over a beer. One of them tells the other,
"Man, I had the most embarrassing thing happen to me a few weeks ago - a classic Freudian slip - I was at at the airport and I swear, the gal the behind the counter had the biggest rack I've seen in a long time, and so, instead of s...

How can she be Wonder Woman?

If she's only a Gal?

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A guy wanted to join a Monastery..

And so, he was given a tour by the head monk.. "contrary to popular believe, we do not abstain from sex."

Saying that, the head monk lead him down a dungeon and open the first door, where there kneels 4 groups of 5 monks in a circle, all with their dicks pointing inward and a mouse running fr...

Dear John Revenge (Sorry if repost)

Again, sorry if this is a re post but I love it!

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must ad...

The kind of woman that ya make your wife.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Snow in the forecast...

...and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance, with a face like that!"

Why are pharmaceutical chemists considered such studs?

They're able to make a fun-gal cream.

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Just heard this better version of a classic...

A guy and a gal hit it off at the bar. One thing leads to another and they end up back at his place.

The gal is impressed. This guy is a total catch. Professional triathlete, nice house, well spoken and chivalrous. Best of all: no tattoos. This gal hates tattoos.

Well, one thing lead...

Arthur and Friends

The members of King Arthur's Round Table were always tired because they were on the knight shift.

But they did like to party. One day after a boisterous gathering, the purest knight of all kept asking everyone who was awake, "Did you see the gal I had?

When did King Arthurs men pract...

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A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank together.

The brunette plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the blonde in great detail. The robbery begins. The brunette drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the blonde, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in n...

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Friends intervened to get a guy married

who was spending way too much time and money on hookers. They set him up with a sweet gal and sure enough love bloomed, bells rang and off they went on their honeymoon.

His buddies jumped on him soon as they got back.
"So how was it? Better than shagging pros right? Come on tell us."
He...

Two priests die and go up to Heaven...

.. but when they get there they find there's a HUGE lineup at the Pearly Gates. Hours and hours go by and they are barely inching closer to their destination. Finally they see St. Peter lean over and stare down the line at someone behind them. He makes a "come here" gesture and this pretty blonde...

A good looking guy walks into the drugstore to buy condoms....

The gal working at the drugstore (also very good looking) asks him, "What size do you need?" He responds "I don't know". She looks at him and tells him "There is a fence out back with 3 different sized holes, put your pecker in each one and then tell me which size it was." The guy walks around to th...

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The old one about a guy and his big toe

So this guy has had a sexual fantasy for years about having sex with a gal using his big toe. After years of thinking about non-stop and never finding a gal to participate, he hires a hooker.

She obliges and it is just as awesome as he thought it would be, but a week later he gets a crazy ras...

Northern women have PMS

Gals from the south have FTS.
Fixin' to Start

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