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Ignore Jokes

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Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.
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In the city, you ignore sirens and listen for gunshots. In the country, you ignore gunshots and listen for sirens.

In Detroit, you ignore both.
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As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.
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My wife has been addicted to Netflix lately and has started to ignore me...

...So I went ahead and renewed the subscription for another 10 years.
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Ignore the bad Titanic Submarine jokes...

They are just trawling us...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.

The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas."
He asks why.
"Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."
He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."
He hesitates but knows he must.
He’s dealt an 18.
The dealer has a six showing....

i tried to ignore my girlfriend's bulimia

but she kept bringing it back up
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Is it ok to ignore dumplings in my Chinese takeout?

Or will I be charged with wonton neglect?
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You know what happens to those who ignore the past?

They usually fail their history exam.
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I get ignored so much.

My name should be Terms and Conditions.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just ignore it next time

A man goes to his doctor with a black eye. The doctor says, “What happened?” The man responds, “So, I was in church, sayin’ my prayers. The priest tells us to stand, and the lady in front of me gets her dress caught in the crack of her butt. So I pulled it out.” The doctor says, “Well, that explains...

Pro-Tip: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto

Ignore him.
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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".
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One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H ...in Hour, Honour. ...etc. ...??????

My English Teacher said, " We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent "....... (I was even more confused .....?????)
During the lunch break, my Teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the Cafeteria.
I ate all the food and returned her the empty container. ....!!!!!...
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Doctor, I have a feeling people ignore me...

- Doctor, I have a feeling people ignore me...
- Next, please
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A boomer, a millennial and a zoomer walk into a bar

That's right- Gen X just got ignored again.
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I asked my acupuncturist to use smaller needles this time, but they ignored me.

I’ve never felt so stabbed in the back.
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My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.

Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
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What's a great way to hand someone all the answers they're looking for, only for them to ignore it and ask anyway?

Be a teacher and give a student their syllabus.
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People treat me like a god!

They ignore me until they need my help.
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What do you call a celiac who ignores their dietary advice?

A gluten for punishment
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on a flight from NYC to London

He feels a little cold, so he asks the cabin attendant for a blanket. The cabin crew completely ignores him. On the seat next to him is no other than a parrot. The parrot screams "get me a scotch on the rocks you stupid cunt". Not a moment passes and the parrot gets a nice glass of whiskey. The man ...

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

The employees at Lowe's will ignore you for a full 25 minutes...

... until you start a chainsaw.
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I broke up with a girl because the red flag she had was just too big for me to ignore

She said she was practicing for Chinese flag bearing but my place is too small for that
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When the demon baby appeared I ignored it for a while.

But eventually I had to address the hell infant in the room
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Best way to ignore someone?

Ironically, a cell phone..
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There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.
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Have you heard about the new way to ignore clickbaits?

Aparently not.
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[presidential test post]

pls ignore
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What does covid 19 say to people who ignore the quarantine?

Icu.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

Too soon for COVID jokes?

COVID is like fashion…

We started hearing about it in Italy…

Became popular in LA and NYC…

Florida ignored it…

And it was all made in China in the end.
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Brakes

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it.

He applies brakes hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. The train driver jumps and walks to the boy who had just finished and was standing ...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...
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A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat..

Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy say...
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A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

...but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two pilots

Two pilots are sitting in the cockpit while a stewardess enters. She asks if they want coffee or tea, but both pilots ignore her.

She then asks "what's the difference between a cockpit and a condom?" The captain looks over his shoulder, not saying anything. She continues: "A cockpit contains ...

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