A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

Me: Doctor, I'm afraid of the vertical Axis

Doctor: Why?

Me: \*Screams\*

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"


The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an ...

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no! Not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Went to the doctors for a prostate exam

During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate .......

But I still wish he hadn't

An adorable old woman visits the doctor.

“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.”

The doctor say...

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.

Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’

Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’

If you don't believe 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'...

...try throwing it harder next time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with anal infection went to the doctor,the doctor said "the only cure that exist, is to stick a cucumber in your butthole"

so the man went back home to his wife, explained to her what happened, and asked her to help him out.

man: "honey you should do as the doctor instructed me to do"

wife: "okay, what should I do?"

man: "hold one butt cheek with your left hand and, the other with your right hand,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

Me: Doctor, I am afraid of directions

Therapist: right

Me: *screaming*

Therapist: *What’s up?*

Me: *screaming intensifies*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation"

Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"

Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

A doctor walks into his examining room.

A doctor walks into his examining room and puts his hand on his patient’s shoulder.

With a solemn look on his face, the doctor tells the patient “you’re dying. You don’t have very much time left.”

“Oh no!” the patient says. “How much longer do I have?”

The doctor says “Ten.”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

My doctor told my that I need to start wearing condoms on my ears when I go to sleep

That way I don’t get hearing aids

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor: I had sex with one of my patients

Friend: That’s okay, there are many doctors who have sex with their patients anyway


Doctor: But I am a fucking vet

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into the doctor's with an awful rash on his penis

The doctor asks if the man had been overseas recently, to which the answer was yes (he had just returned from a holiday in Asia).

The Doctor says "I'm sorry to tell you that you have Hong Kong Dong and your penis needs to be removed."

The man was shocked and extremely upset.
He left...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling...

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day ...

My doctor says it's common to get an erection during a prostate exam

I never do, but he does.

Nurse comes in and tells the doctor “there is a man in the waiting room that says he is invisible. What should I tell him?”

Doctor replies, “tell him I can’t see him today. “

A doctor is performing a surgery on a patient.

Doctor : Relax David, it’s just a small surgery, don’t panic .

Man: But doctor , my name isn’t David.

Doctor : I know, I am David.

When I woke up from my accident, I was devastated when the doctors told me I had broken all my fingers.

It was hard to grasp.

Receptionist: “Doctor, there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible."

Doctor: “Well, I can't see him right now."

A man goes into the doctor.

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has thi...

My kid has a weight problem, but the doctor says he will outgrow it.

He should. He outgrew everything else!

A doctor is talking to one of his patients

Doctor: "Who's your favorite rapper?"

Boy: "Eminem!"

Doctor: "Would you like to meet him someday?"

Boy: "Of course!"

Doctor: "Well he's busy right now but you'll meet tupac soon!"

Boy: "But he's dead..."

Doctor: "I know."

My Nigerian coworker told me he was leaving early to go the doctor.

I said “ Oh, which doctor?” He responds, “Yeah bro. “

The doctors say I don't know when to stop

EDIT: wow thank you for the one upvote kind stranger

EDIT: wow two upvotes!

EDIT: 7 upvotes and 2 comments! Can we get 8?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe goes to the doctor because his penis has turned yellow.

Upon hearing Joe's description of the problem, the doctor examines Joe and exclaims "Wow you're right. It's bright yellow! I've never seen such a thing. How long has it been yellow?"

Joe says "I only noticed it about two days but I dont know how it happened doc."

The doc says "Well, ha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After my wife's pregnancy, I had pulled my doctor aside and asked shyly, "When will we be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "My shift ends at 6, meet-up at the parking lot."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor told me I need to stop masturbating.

I was shocked. I didn't even hear him come in the exam room.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?

ICU baby, shakin' that ass!

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor confides to a coworker, “I just had sex with one of my patients. My wife is going to kill me.”

The coworker says “Don’t worry about it. I’ve had sex with my patients too. It’s not that big a deal.”

The doctor replies, “But you’re a pediatrician.”

So i went to the doctor the other day for a blood donation,

But they kept asking so many questions, like:
"Who's blood is this?"
and "Where did you get it?"

Doctor : Does it hurt?

Mother : Yes, a lot.

Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

Why do doctors make us wait at the hospital?

Because we’re patient

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”

A doctor, a priest, and a child are on a plane that is crashing down.

There are only two parachutes.

The doctor said "I'm going to have to take one. My work is saving lives and I'm on the verge of a medical discovery." He grabs a bag and jumps out.

The priest looked at the child. "Son. I have lived a wholesome life. I have took the high road and have le...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I go to the doctors office and describe the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

A doctor tells his patient he has terminal cancer

“Oh, my God!” the guy says. “How long do I have left?”

“Seven,” says the doctor.

“Seven what, doc?” says the guy. “Months? Years?”

“Six, ” says the doctor.

My doctor just told me I have Type-P blood

Turns out it was just a Type-O

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I didn't understand why the doctor prescribed me LSD for my constipation....

...until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night.

A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.

After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.

''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Le...

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Science Fiction is "Doctor Who."

But if I'm being completely objective... I'd say it's "Doctor Whom."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw my doctor in the bank.

When he went to sign his check, he realized he was holding a rectal thermometer. He looked up and said, "Damn! Some asshole's got my pen.

:)

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

A man walks into a doctor's clinic and says, “I think I'm going rusty.”

The doctor takes a look and replies, “It seems you've developed a common metal disorder.”

Joe goes to the doctor

Joe goes to the doctor and the doctor says:"Joe, I have some bad news for you and some very bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Joe says:"Just give me the bad news first."
The doctor says:"Joe, you only have 24 hours left to live."
After the initial shock, Joe mumbles:"24 hours left....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor goes to write some notes on his clip board, when he notices he was trying to write with a rectal thermometer...

"Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor came up with a new surgery

A doctor came up with a new surgery called a “race change”. An asian man was curious, so he went through the surgery and became caucasian. Two weeks later the doctor asked, “How does it feel? Is everything okay?” The asian man said “It’s great! This whole experience was a real... eye opener”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicle...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A man went to a doctor to cure his dick

Man: I have a problem with my penis, promise me you won’t laugh

Doctor: Alright, let’s see what’s wrong

The man pulled down his pants and revealed his tiny wiener, it was around the size of a AAA battery. The doctor let out a little giggle but immediately regained composure. After a fe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

AI Doctor.

Guy hurts his arm. It's painful so he goes to his doctor.

The receptionist says "it's all AI now, just supply a sample of your urine and put it in the machine"

The guy things "weird but o.k'., does a sample, puts it in the machine.

A minute later a message appears. 'You have a ...

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime later Sherlock woke Watson up and said,"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"And what can you deduce from that?"

"well, if there are millions of...

I told my doctor I couldn’t hear out of my left ear.

He asked,” Are you sure?”

“I’m definite.”

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!”

The priest says “Do we ...

Doctor 1: I’m afraid you have pneumonia.

Patient: What’s pneumonia?

Dad Doctor, bursting into the room: Not much, monia, what’s pneu with you?

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(I heard this joke in my language and found it somewhat funny, so decided to translate and post it to see if it sounds funny in English too. Sorry for poor translation). A man goes to a doctor and complains about "not being very good in bed".

So doctor gives him a medicine saying that he will see the difference if he uses it regularly.And it really works. But later, he overuses the medicine so he wants having more sex. Now, sleeping with 10, 15, even 20 girls in a day is not enough for him. He starts to fuck everyone he comes across in ...

A man goes to the doctor

He tells him, "doctor, I think I have an intense fear of repeating myself."

The doctor asks, "You have a fear of what?"

"I said a fear of-"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 84 year old grandma tells her doctor that she has a problem. She says "Every morning i have a massive piss at 7 and a massive crap at 8!" The doctor says "That is very healthy for a woman of your age....What is the problem?"

She says "I don't wake up til 9!"

Doctor, doctor I think I’m turning into a cat.

Don’t ask meow.

One day, a doctor goes on a boat tour in rural Asia.

After a while, the doctor asks the tour leader, "Can you do maths?" the tour leader says, "No I can't, actually." the doctor replies, "Well, your life expectancy is reduced by a quarter.

Later the doctor asks again, "Do you understand science?" the tour leader again says no. The doctor says,...

-Doctor, i don't want to vaccinate my kids, what should i do?

-Don't get too emotionally attached

Have You Seen A Doctor?

**Patient:** Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.

**Nurse:** Have you seen a doctor?

**Patient:** No, just spots.

A doctor and lawyer are talking at a party.

Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to...

Why do doctor’s all use windows computers?

Every time they get near an apple it keeps them away.

Me: Doctor, I’m afraid of the Horizontal Axis.

Doctor: Oh, my ex had that problem as well.

Me: [Screams]

My doctor asked how my aphasia is coming along?

Hard to say...

An elderly woman goes to the doctor...

..."I've got a rather strange and embarrassing ailment, doctor" she says.

"I've got such horrible gas - all day long I'm farting - but *it never makes a sound and is completely odorless!* Have you ever heard of such a thing?"

The doc quietly nods and says "Here, take these pills twice ...

Guy goes to the doctors with a lettuce stuck up his ass.

Doctor examining said wow, guy says what is it doc?

Doctor says this is only the tip of the Iceberg.

I was feeling a bit down so I went to the doctors.

Thankfully it was just a scare. I still have 46 chromosomes.

While stitching the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the conversation got around to politicians and their roll as our leaders.

The old farmer said, “Well, as I see it, most politicians are ‘Post Turtles’.”

Not being familiar with the term the doctor ask him what a ’post turtle’ was.

The old rancher said, “When you’re ...

I went to the eye doctor today and they said I could see the future

They told me I have 2020 vision

The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of tas...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor ...

and says "Help me, doctor, I can't stop singing *What's new Pussycat?*"

The doctor says, "Oh no, you may have Tom Jones disease."

Guy says, "I've never heard of that. Is it rare?"

The doctor says, "It's not unusual

Doctor: You have AIDS and alzheimer...

Patient: At least I don't have AIDS

I went to the doctors for my physical last week...

While the doctor was checking my prostate, I told him to put another finger in there...I wanted a second opinion.

Two years ago my doctor told me I'm going deaf

I haven't heard back from him since

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor recently told me I have a serious constipation problem.

I don’t give a shit.

A man waddles into the doctor’s office with his body all swollen...

The doctor asks: “Oh my god what happened?”

The man replies: “I’m not too sure”

After a thorough examination the doctor hands him a box of medicine

The doctor then says: “put one of these up your rear passageway every day, come back in a week”

The man thanks him and leave...

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.

So I've had to go to all the thrift stores and get her clothes back.

My doctor said that he couldn't diagnose me in 240 characters or fewer...

Apparently my condition is untweetable.

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. 
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem

The doctor asks "How often?" and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour.

The doctor goes to his back office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, "What are going to do with that Doc?"

The doctor replies, "I'm going to open some windows."

A man, thinking he's turning invisible, rushes to his Doctor for a diagnosis.

Just as he feared, the Doctor couldn't see him today.

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

\[Later at home, sitting down with son\]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the doctor because I was constipated

He said, "When did this start?"

"After I moved to Colorado," I replied.

He told me to start shittin or get off the pot.

I throw things at bad doctors

So the quack ducks.

why did the clown go to the doctor?

cause he was feeling a little funny!

Ba-dum-tss

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor: “Look. You need to stop masturbating.” . . . Me: (confused)”Why’s that, Doc?”

Doctor: “Because, I’m trying to talk to you right now.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This dude goes to the doctor and says "I have a tiny penis"

The Dr says "don't worry, everyone is different". So the dude drops his pants the Dr he erupts with laughter!

"Jesus you weren't kidding!" says the Dr. "So what's the problem"?

"It's really swollen".

A 50 year-old woman visits her doctor

and reveals to her doctor that when she goes to the bathroom, pennies come out of her. The doctor replies, "Don't worry about it for now, but come back next week if it continues." The next week, she is back. "Now I go to the bathroom and out come nickels! What is going on?"

"I'm still not qui...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?!"

She laughed, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor with a sore arm.

He sits down on the exam table and the doctor looks at his arm.
"What seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Wainscotting?", the doctor asks.
"Doc, I've got terrible pain starting in my bicep and extending down to my forearm." replies Mr. Wainscotting.
"Let's have a look."
The doctor examine...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor: "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating"

Man: "Oh my God, doc! Why?!?"

Doctor: "I'm trying to examine you."

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn’t peeling well.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor asked me how my sex life is with Erectile Dysfunction

I replied, “Ever try playing pool with a rope?”

A doctor and a lawyer get into a car crash...

Both cars are badly damaged, but amazingly, neither of them are hurt. As the lawyer crawls out of her BMW, she sees that the other car is a Porsche. She says, "I see you're an affluent man, probably a doctor. I'm a lawyer... Gosh! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are u...

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office."

Doctor: "Turn him around. Make it look like he was walking in."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor told me to stop masturbating

When I asked why he said it was making other people in the waiting room feel uncomfortable.

I visited the doctors yesterday

Because I've had trouble with my hearing. I sat down in front of the doctor and he asked what the matter was. I explained I had trouble hearing the past few days, he asked if I could explain the symptoms. I said "Marge has blue hair and homers fat"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The doctor prescribed Viagra for the sunburn on my legs.

It didn’t cure the sunburn, but it kept the sheets off of my legs.

My boss is a doctor. He gave me three months to live.

But then said I had to get back to work.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says he wants an STD test for his daughter.

“But she’s only ten” says the doctor, “is she sexually active?”

“Not really, she mostly just lies there” he replies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with abdominal and lower back pains (long)

**Man**: "Doctor, for quite some time I've been having pains in the abdomen, groin and lower back. And they are getting worse."

**After some blood and urine tests and a general check the doctor answers**: "I find no problems, it could be a muscle issue." He prescribes medication and let's the...

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a divorce.

Why couldn’t the doctor read the Blood test?

It was full of Type-O’s

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"

​

The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my...

A blonde goes to the doctor

She asks the doctor what she can do to help with her boyfriends dandruff.

"Give him head and shoulders" he replied .

The blonde thought for a minute and said "how do I give shoulders?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

Patient: "D-d-doctor, I h-h-have a p-problem w-with m-m-ma wife..."

Doctor: "What's the issue? Is it the stutter? You know that I'm a plastic surgeon, right?"

Patient:"Y-yes a-a-I'm f-f-fully a-a-aware of that. e-e-It's n-n-not the sssss-tutter, e-it s'actually b-bout my penis... It's ...

So a doctor visits a mental hospital...

He shows up, and the lady at the front desk directs him to an interesting duo. Two men, one of which is hanging from the ceiling and another who is seemingly sawing air. The doctor asks the man sawing away, "what is it that you are doing?" The man replies, "I'm building a ladder to sneak out of this...

What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?

Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Would you rather have sex with a teacher or a doctor?

A teacher!

The doctor just says „next please!“, while the teacher goes „good, and now we‘re going to repeat that once more“

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor about a lisp.

He says, “Doc I feel fine, it’th juth that I can’t thpeak clearly. I have thith lithp that I can’t theem to get rid of.”

The doctor replies, “Ok, let me have a look then.” and proceeds to examine the man. “Ahh, I see the problem here. Your penis is so long that it’s weight is pulling on your ...

I've got a wonderful doctor

If you can't afford the operation she touches up the x-rays.

I asked the doctor why he was checking my reflexes?

Just for kicks.

So today I had to have a prostate exam and I asked the Doctor, "where should I put my pants?"

He said "right there next too mine."

Gotta say I had my doubts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A serial masturbator goes to the doctor.

Doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating." Man asks, "Why?" Doctor says, "So that I can examine you."

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

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