This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

An adorable old woman visits the doctor.

“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.”

The doctor say...

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.

That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Irishman goes to the doctor's surgery ...

and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."

So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."

After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you

Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy?

Doctor: Den...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After my wife's pregnancy, I had pulled my doctor aside and asked shyly, "When will we be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "My shift ends at 6, meet-up at the parking lot."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?

ICU baby, shakin' that ass!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple ask their doctor to watch them have sex.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I didn't understand why the doctor prescribed me LSD for my constipation....

...until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

Doctor : Does it hurt?

Mother : Yes, a lot.

Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!”

The priest says “Do we ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor ...

and says "Help me, doctor, I can't stop singing *What's new Pussycat?*"

The doctor says, "Oh no, you may have Tom Jones disease."

Guy says, "I've never heard of that. Is it rare?"

The doctor says, "It's not unusual

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling...

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day ...

-Doctor, i don't want to vaccinate my kids, what should i do?

-Don't get too emotionally attached

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”

A doctor and lawyer are talking at a party.

Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to...

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

Why do doctor’s all use windows computers?

Every time they get near an apple it keeps them away.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

Two years ago my doctor told me I'm going deaf

I haven't heard back from him since

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor: "You've got to stop masturbating"

Patient: "Why?"
Doc: "Because I'm examining you.."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(I heard this joke in my language and found it somewhat funny, so decided to translate and post it to see if it sounds funny in English too. Sorry for poor translation). A man goes to a doctor and complains about "not being very good in bed".

So doctor gives him a medicine saying that he will see the difference if he uses it regularly.And it really works. But later, he overuses the medicine so he wants having more sex. Now, sleeping with 10, 15, even 20 girls in a day is not enough for him. He starts to fuck everyone he comes across in ...

The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of tas...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor told me to stop masturbating

When I asked why he said it was making other people in the waiting room feel uncomfortable.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office."

Doctor: "Turn him around. Make it look like he was walking in."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

Patient: "D-d-doctor, I h-h-have a p-problem w-with m-m-ma wife..."

Doctor: "What's the issue? Is it the stutter? You know that I'm a plastic surgeon, right?"

Patient:"Y-yes a-a-I'm f-f-fully a-a-aware of that. e-e-It's n-n-not the sssss-tutter, e-it s'actually b-bout my penis... It's ...

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a divorce.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Would you rather have sex with a teacher or a doctor?

A teacher!

The doctor just says „next please!“, while the teacher goes „good, and now we‘re going to repeat that once more“

So today I had to have a prostate exam and I asked the Doctor, "where should I put my pants?"

He said "right there next too mine."

Gotta say I had my doubts.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.

Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.

Doctor: I know... that's my name.

A doctor recently told me that I have cancer and now he's saying that I also have dementia.

At least I don't have cancer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A serial masturbator goes to the doctor.

Doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating." Man asks, "Why?" Doctor says, "So that I can examine you."

Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain

The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts, and reveals yet another coat...

The Doctor says "Hold on Quasi, hold on!", "why are you wearing so many clothes?"

Quasi says he...

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"

​

The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my...

My doctor said i have an auto-immune disease.

So can anybody suggest a good manual car?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor asked me how my sex life is with Erectile Dysfunction

I replied, “Ever try playing pool with a rope?”

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

My friend went to the doctor last night because he gets sick when he sees unwashed feet.

His doctor told him he's black toes intolerant

Doctors in china don't ask if you want an abortion

They just ask if you want takeout or delivery

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

\[Later at home, sitting down with son\]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor felt extremely conflicted after sleeping with his patient. One side of his head told him, "Relax. You're not the first doc to sleep with his patient and you'll not be the last."

The other side said, "You bastard. You should be knowing that you're a veterinary doctor."

What did German kids get in the after going to the doctors office in 1939-45?

Swatztickers

An elderly herd of hearing woman goes to the doctor for her annual check up.

As the doctor is listening to her lungs , he says - Big Breaths.

The lady giggles and says - oh young man , you should have seen them when I was young.

I did an IQ test and when i got the results the doctor in an extremly disturbed face said :

I'm sorry sir your results came back as negative

I became an anti-vaxxer after my doctor’s nurse insulted me.

Right before poking me with the needle, she said: “Get ready... little prick!”

My doctor informed me that I’m losing my sight.

I didn’t see it coming.

My doctor is a very big liar.

He told me I had an auto-immune disease.

Well guess what?

I got hit by a car and that still hurt like hell and left me with multiple fractures.

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A chap goes to the doctor about his erectile disfunction

A chap goes to the doctor about his erection, and the kindly doctor prescribes him some Viagra. He explains to him that he needs to take it an hour before the act, so the next night the chap gets home early and prepares a romantic dinner for his wife.

He then calls her in the office where she...

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip consultant

A woman goes to the doctor and is asked to remove her bra and panties.

Woman: Why do I need to do that?

Doctor: The file says your future employer wants me to perform a complete physical exam on you.

Woman: Well, can I have a female nurse in here too, then?

Doctor: What for? They're all kind of busy right now.

Woman: Just so that I'm more co...

Once upon a time a doctor writes a funny joke

Damn. Only pharmacist laughed so hard.

A doctor and a truck driver...

A doctor and a truck driver are both in love with a very beautiful woman named Sara and the competition is fierce. Right as the truck driver is starting to get in good with her, his company sends him on a week long job, but before he leaves he brings Sara 7 apples.
She says "It's perfect! 7 is ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with five penises went to the doctor and the doctor asked how he wears a condom the man said,

“Like a glove”

A mother called the doctor about her teenage daughter. "She refuses to eat anything but yeast and car wax. Now she's lying in bed asleep and I can't wake her. What should I do?" "There's nothing to worry about." said the doctor,

"she'll rise and shine soon enough..."

A new doctor at a mental asylum decided to conduct a test

The objective of this test is to determine if those patients are truly mentally ill or not.

He handled patients in groups of three. He puts them in a room and draws a door on a board infront of them. Then he tells them that there is feast behind the door so he can see their reactions.

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to see the doctor about my penis

When I arrived at the doctors office I explained to the girl at the front desk that I would like to see a doctor regarding my penis.


'It can't be very long, please take a seat' she replied.


How dare she assume such a thing! I began to storm off to the waiting area as I hear...

Doctor: Sir you have a very rare disease.

Patient: How rare is it?

Doctor: You pick the name.

My doctor told me I was hot

The thermometer read 41°C

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

My doctor has the best bedside manner.

During my last prostate exam, he kept me calm by putting both of his hands on my shoulders

If Shakespeare was a doctor

TB or not TB...

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm part of a drum kit.

Doctor: Settle down now Tom.

My Doctor told me "Don't eat any thing fatty".

I said "like cheeseburgers and french fries?"

He Said "No Fatty. Don't eat anything."

A man asks his good friend if he can recommend a doctor.

“Yeah,” the man says, “I’ll give you the number to the guy we go see. He’s a family doctor. He treats mine and I support his.”

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

​

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

Asian guy goes to a eye doctor

After the checkup the doctor says "The problem is you have a cataract" then the Asian guy responds with"No I have a tesra"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had to go to the same doctor SEVEN times to get my penis reattached

Every time I saw him I yelled, "Remember me!"

I had to tell my doctor, I’m addicted to Twitter

She said , “ Sorry, I don’t follow you”.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.

A man goes to a doctor for his yearly routine physical.

The nurse starts with the basic health questions.

​

“How much do you weigh?” she asks.

​

“Oh, about 165 pounds,” he says.

​

The nurse puts him on the scale and his actual weight is 187.

​

The nurse th...

Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible

Doctor: “Well, tell him I can't see him right now.”

My Doctor just advised me to quit drinking. This is going to be really difficult and a big adjustment...

I’ve been with this Doctor for 35 years.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor because his penis is too big...

The doctor has a look and says yes, that’s too big at 25 inches, but I don’t want to operate on you. However, he continues, there’s a frog in the forest nearby, and if you ask her to marry you, she’ll say “no” and your penis will be 5 inches shorter.

The man goes into the forest, finds the f...

The doctor tells his patient that he is going to die in 10

Patient: 10 what? 10days? 10months? 10years?

Doctor: 9

I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

thank you for the gold kind stranger

A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says "Big Breath"

The girls says "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

A worried father calls the family doctor because he thinks his teen son has caught a venereal disease.

“I think he got it from the maid,” says the concerned dad, “and I’ve also been sleeping with the maid.”

​

“Okay,” the doctor replies calmly. “Well, when you bring him into the office we’ll take a look at you as well.”

​

“And that’s not all,” the fath...

A woman went to the doctor's with a bit of lettuce sticking out from her underwear...

Doctor looks at it and says "that looks odd", woman says "Oh, it's just the tip of the iceberg"

A doctor who was proud of his degrees...

always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.

One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the em...

I just went to the doctors and told him...

...I can’t stop singing Tom Jones songs!
He told me I have TJOCD!
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Tom Jones Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.” the doctor told me.
Me: “Is it common?”

Doc: “No but, it’s not unusual…”

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'E...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor, I have a problem. I have to poop at 8 am every morning. Doctor: What is wrong about that?

Well, I wake up at 10 am everyday.

A doctor says to his patient: “I have bad news, and I have worse news”

A doctor says to his patient: “I have bad news, and I have worse news”

The patient says: “Give me the worse news first”

Doctor: “You have cancer.”

Patient: “Oh no, then what’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “You also have Alzheimer’s.”

Patient, relieved: “Well, at least I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor can you cure my insomnia?

“Of course, we just have to get rid of the root cause!”

“Won’t be easy, the wife’s grown quite fond of that fucking baby”

I was at the doctor's today and I learned I have Bartter Syndrome...

Wondering if anyone wants to trade?

​

(Yes that's a true syndrome, and come on, you knew the punchline before you read it).

​

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter\_syndrome](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter_syndrome)

Patient: Doctor, I have accidentally swallowed the “DO NOT EAT” packet from my new shoes, will I die?!!

Doctor: Well, everyone’s going to die eventually.
Patient; Everyone?!.. Oh my god, what have I done?!!!

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.


“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”


When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds....

When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me my fingers were broken.

It was hard to grasp.

Don’t let your eye doctor give you cocaine

The first line will be big. But then they just get smaller and smaller.

Man: Doctor, is it serious?!

Doctor: Oh my God, stop the autopsy!!

A doctor gave a man six months to live.

The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic s...

A brunette goes to the doctor...

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."

He asks "What do you mean?"

So she showed him what she meant.

She touched her knee and said "Ouch!"

Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!"

Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"

The doctor look...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman has a farting problem,she farts a lot,she went to see a doctor

A woman has a farting problem,she farts a lot,she went to see a doctor,when it was her turn she entered.

The doctor: Hello,is everything okay,what's the problem?

The woman: you see doc,my problem is that i fart a lot,but the good thing is my farts have no smell, and my evidence is si...

My doctor found out I had an addiction to white meat sandwiches.

He told me I had stop cold turkey.

Doctors at euthanasia clinics think they are better than everyone else

They are are always putting someone down.

A man visits the doctor because he’s suffering from a miserable winter cold.

His doctor prescribes some antibiotics, but they don’t help. On his next visit, the doctor gives the man a shot, but it doesn’t do any good. On his third visit, the doctor tells the man to go home and take a steaming hot bath. As soon as he gets out of the bath, he should open all of the windows in ...

A guy goes to the doctor for his test results...

The doc pulls out the patient’s file and says “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The guy sighs and says, “Well, what’s the bad news?”

“You’ve been eating so much salami, pepperoni, corned beef, bacon, chorizo and prosciutto that you’ve developed a very rare fatal disease.”

“Wha...

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"


The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"


"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the ...

A. Is there a doctor in the house?!

B. I'm a doctor...of philosophy.
A. But this guy is going to die!
B. We're all going to die.

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.

One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.”

St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.”

St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “...

What is a doctor’s favorite type of animal container?

Hippo crates

Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer

Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeabl...

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so...

I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they’d mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.

She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.

“Well, weaknesses...” he said “I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality”

"And your greatest strength?” She asked.

“Oh, I’m the Batman”

Widow: Doctor, why did my husband die?

Doctor: Heavy drug use, ma’am.

Widow: But he never used drugs in his life!

Doctor: But I do.

I just found out that a doctor down the street has been arrested for dealing drugs...

It shows you how wrong you c an be about people. I have been a customer for many years and he is so different than the article implies. I never knew he was a doctor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two girls and a boy are playing doctors and nurses behind the shed one day.

The little boy suddenly drops his pants and shows them his penis. One girl screams and runs away, the other rolls her eyes and proudly scoffs, "Pfft, that's nothing. My daddy's got two of those." "What?!" says the boy, "Two?!" "Yeah two," replies the girl, "One for going pee pee and another for clea...

Doctor: it looks as if you're pregnant

Patient:but I'm a man how could I be pregnant?

Doctor: I said it LOOKS as if you're pregnant

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

Ninja goes to the doctor ...

Doctor says "I have good news and bad news."

Ninja says "Hmm. Ok, give me the bad news first."

Doctor says "We've run the tests and you're impotent."

Ninja gasps and says "Dammit! How will I pass on my legacy of stealth and subterfuge?!? How can there possibly be good news in th...

An apiarist consults his family doctor about a troubling rash.

Doctor: You have hives.
Apiarist: Yes many, and they are my pride and joy.
Doctor: Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

A doctor prescribed testosterone for menopause symptoms...

..and he told his patient to call him immediately if she had any ill side effects. Two weeks later the patient called her doctor:

Patient: “Doc, I am having some weird side effects from the testosterone treatment.”

Doc: “What’s the problem?”

Patient: “ Well, I’m in the shower ri...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the doctor because my testicles were turning a greenish-brown color

He said I have Hazelnuts.

My doctor and I recently had an extensive conversation about ADHD.

Wonder what that is.

I called the doctor "My wife is going into labor! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

A doctor asks his patient “What is your pain on a scale 1-10”

The patient responds “pi”
Doctor “pi?”
Patient “ it’s low level but never ending”

What do you call a female dinosaur doctor?

A Dinocologist.

The doctor's price for my vasectomy was a little high for me, but my offer was too low for him.

In the end we split the deferens.

The doctor says to me, "I've got bad news and worse news"

Me: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live.

Me: Then what's the worse news!?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday

I told my doctor I broke my leg in 2 places...

He said "don't go back to those places again".

My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath...

I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.

A man walks into the doctors office

A man walks into the doctors office and says 'Doc I'm not feeling to well'. The doctor asks 'What's seems to be bothering you?'.

'Well, Doc. I can't relax, and I'm having a hard timing telling the difference between a Wigwam and a Teepee.'

'It sounds like you're just two tents.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy go see a doctor

\- Doc, it's painful when I touch my knee. Make me wanna cry ! When I touch my stomach too, watch this... AH ! Oh ! My god it hurts so much... And look, here, when I touch my neck. Holy shit that hurts really bad too ! What's wrong Doctor ?

\- You got a broken finger.

​

A woman goes to a psychologist, and the doctor can see she is visibly upset.

"Tell me what you're upset about," says the psychologist.

"It's my dreams, Doctor. One night I'll dream I'm a tepee, and then the next night I'll dream I'm a wigwam. The next night I'm a tepee again, and then I'm a wigwam the next! What does it mean?!"

"Don't worry, I know what's wrong...