UPJOKE
toyrag dollbabygirlpuppetpuppetsbarbiemannequinbobbleheadfairychickskirtdollybirddame

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when I bi...

Why don’t they have pregnant Barbie dolls?

Because Ken came in a separate box.

Buying a Barbie doll for my niece at a toy store

I asked the salesperson if Barbie came with Ken. She replied" Oh no. Barbie dates Ken. She comes with G.I. Joe."

I hate Russian dolls…

so full of themselves.

Why did the witch doctor keep a doll in his bedroom?

It was a fetish.

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People who buy sex dolls...

....are fucking dummies.

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I'm trying to write a joke about a chronic procrastinator and an inflatable doll.

Fuck it, I'll do it later.

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

I work in a toy factory where dracula dolls are produced...

I only have one colleague at the production line so I have to make every second count.

old joke

Husband is standing next to his dying wife. Wife tells him darling before i die i have a confession to make, please open up the box that is under the bed. Husband does it and finds 50k dollars and 3 chicken eggs. The man asks what's the deal with the 3 eggs?. Wife explains that every time she cheate...

I stuck pins in a voodoo doll of my arch enemy

I managed to cure his backache and help him quit smoking

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. ...

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

To whoever has my voodoo doll,

please hold its hand.

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How do you know when you're using your sex doll too often?

It develops a runny nose.

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced ...

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

Do you want to know why I hate Russian dolls?

Because they are so full of them selfs

*ba dum tiss*

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Two elderly men

Got wasted drunk one evening and decided to go to a brothel.
The madam seeing how out of it both of them were decided to give them blow up dolls instead of real women.

The next day the two old men met up again and started sharing their experiences of the previous night.

The first o...

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

My mate's got a thing for thin women. Not just thin, but really thin, almost anorexic women.

For his birthday next week, I've bought him a blow-up doll.


And no pump.

What do you call a guy who gets turned on by Pinocchio dolls?

A Gepettophile.

Elsa dolls outsell Anna dolls in every country in the world, except Italy

because when Italians ask their kids which doll they want, they say “You wanta Anna or Elsa!”

Guy was giving away free marionette dolls.

No strings attached.

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What do you get when you cross the cabbage patch doll and the pillsbury doe boy?

A ugly little bitch with a yeast infection

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

Three crocheted dolls

Herb was tidying up the attic when he came across a box that he didn’t recognise.

He opened it up and found three crocheted dolls in it, lying on what looks like several hundred dollars of cash in small bills.

He takes the box down and asks Ruby, his wife of 47 years, whether she knows...

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My Friend’s Divorce

Friend’s wife divorced him after he bought a sex doll for when she’s not in the mood. He said she wasn’t mad about the idea but she was irate that it looked like her sister.

My buddy said he made a voodoo doll of me

I think he's pulling my leg

It was going great with my girlfriend until she started putting her Sylvester Stallone dolls in the middle of the bed.

Things have been a little Rocky between us ever since.

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I got a talking Dr. Oz doll!

You press the button and it goes *Quack Quack Quack.*

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Two little girls play in a park with their dolls.

Two little girls play in a park with their dolls. One of the two little girls says to her friend: "Where did you buy your doll?"
The friend replies: "At Walmart, mom got it for 200 dollars; and you?"
The first responds: "Mum got it for 300 dollars at Target".
They then see a lady pass by wi...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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[NSFW] When a woman buys a vibrator, it’s seen as a bit of naughty fun. But….

When a man orders a 240 vault Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blow up latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream with option of a moaner or panter in a 7.1 sound system, hes called a pervert

Lady GaGa and the GooGoo Dolls are coming out with a children's album.

It's called GooGooGaGa

I went to the acupuncturist the other day

When I got home my voodoo doll was dead

(real-life joke) My 5-year-old daughter and I were playing with her dolls...

Having a great time cooking a great meal in imagination-land (toy room) when things got real.

Daughter - "Hey Dad, Let's throw the old food in the field to feed the animals."

Me - "Good idea, that would be nice so they get some food too."

Daughter - *throws a few pieces of fake...

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I have purchased a new realistic sex doll.

She is so realistic that she only wants to be friends with me.

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My roommate claims that he caught me with a sex doll.

This is completely untrue and slanderous. He caught me with a sex action figure.

My blow up doll is ugly as sin

But she always manages to take my breath away

I asked my doll if it was possessed

I'm glad it said no

A little girl was in a store to buy a Barbie doll for her birthday.

The shop owner said to her as a special treat you can choose another doll as well, Little girl says, can I have a GI Joe, shop owner says I thought Barbie came with Ken?, Little girl says no she comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

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Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

The Russian doll that I got for my birthday has a terrible personality

It’s so full of itself

What did the German say after the golden living doll brought him his child back?

Edit: thanks for the Kind, gold stranger.

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A man wants to buy an inflatable sex doll

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?” The customer says, “Female” The counter guy asks, “Black or white?” The customer says, “White” The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?” The customer says, “What the hell does religion...

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What is a terrorist's favorite sex toy?

A blow-up doll

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The economy is like a bow up doll.

You inflate it as much as you can, and then fuck it until it pops!

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Did you hear about the ISIS sex doll?

It blows itself up

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Be careful what you say to your grandkids...

A 5-year-old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied:

"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom a...

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?"

He said, "Aisle B, back."

What do you call a dog that manipulates dolls?

A puppyteer

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Did you hear about the plan to use sex dolls to defeat ISIS?

They blow themselves up.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women...

For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

A happy marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than sixty years. They had shared everything They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her abou...

See the new "recently divorced" Barbie doll you can now get?

She comes with Ken's Corvette.

I took my blow up doll back to the shop, and said

"I only had this blown up for half an hour and it went down on me!"

The guy was most unsympathetic and said that if he'd known that, he'd have charged me an extra $30.

Once I forgot to bring my ventriloquist dummy to a show and I had use a voodoo doll of myself,

It was a pain in the hole.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken came in another box.

Used one of the kids dolls to play snooker

It's now a Barbie-cue

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A wife gets drunk one night and thinking it would be a bit of fun, buys a voodoo doll of her husband.

She staggers home, drops the doll on the floor and falls in to bed. The next morning she wakes up, oblivious to what she had done the previous night.

Over the course of the next few days the husband experiences some very weird occurrences. He randomly develops cuts and bruises all over his b...

wanna hear a story? once upon a time, a kid had a dolphin doll

fin.

Saw a sketchy looking man outside Walmart begging for money so he could buy the new life size Wonder Woman doll.

I swear, these heroine addicts looking worse every year.

Sure, they're popular, but I don't like Russian dolls.

They're always so full of themselves, which I think is a pretty unattractive trait.

Whats another name for a blowup doll.

Plastic bag

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So I bought this sex doll online from an ex ISIS guy.

Really easy, these dolls blow themselves up!

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I was arrested for pushing the demo button on an Elmo doll.

He accused me of touching his test-tickles.

In Australia, they dont actually call it a Ken doll.

Instead, he's known as a simp on the barbie.

What did the Matryoshka dolls say to the bottle of Vodka when it gave it a kiss?

I feel like we are Russian things.

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I bought a lifelike blow up sex doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite.

It farted and went down on me.

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Yesterday, I got one of those extremely authentic, hyper-realistic sex dolls- and she’s so life-like it’s almost eerie!

For instance, as soon as I got her home last night she told me we should just be friends...

Did you hear the joke about the Russian Dolls?

You probably won't get it. It's an inside joke.

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what do you call a sex doll stuffed with duck feathers?

down to fuck

Our Christmas pageant moved online at the last minute due to COVID

So my wife is now barking orders: “I need a bathrobe for my Joseph!”

“No problem!” I replied, digging one out of the closet.

“I need a doll for my Jesus!”

“I’ll get one from the kids’ room!” I call over my shoulder, already on my way.

“I need a rustic backdrop for my in...

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I recent purchased a sex doll.

It really took a load off my wifes back.

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What do you get if you buy an iron sex doll?

Titanus

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Blow-up dolls

I went to my local sex shop last night to get a new blow-up doll. As I was looking at them the clerk came up to me and asked if I needed help? 


I said yes and he asked if I wanted a male or female? 


I said a female and he asked blonde or brunette? 


I said blonde. The...

What do you call a line up of dolls?

A Barbie Queue

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I thought a high quality sex doll would help with my erectile dysfunction.

But it turns out good plastic is hard to come by.

I told the bartender he could borrow my blowup doll any time he wanted. "Eugh! That's disgusting!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah..." I said. "But you were pretty quick to jump on my ex-girlfriend weren't you?"

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father on his way home suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shoppi...

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