An American missionary visits a small farming village in Africa...

He's giving his fire and brimstone speech, preaching to all the locals, and they are INTO IT. "He is the light and the way," he says, "without whom we would all be damned to eternal hellfire!"

"Hazunga!" Yell the natives.

"Accept Christ as your lord and savior, or be cast down!"
...

A White Missionary in an African Tribe

A white missionary was visiting an African tribe. After a year of sharing the same village, the chieftain's wife gave birth...to a white baby.

The chieftain was enraged and called for the preacher's death. The missionary attempted to calm the chief, asking him to take a walk with him through ...

A catholic missionary is baptizing people in a river near an African village.

He pushes Mutombo under water and raises him again. Then he tells him:
"You are now Christian, and so you are no longer called Mutombo, you are now Joseph.
Oh and one more thing. Since you are Christian, you are no longer allowed to eat meat on fridays. "

The next friday, the priest...

What's the difference between a mercenary and a missionary?

Not much, they both introduce people to God.

A missionary is in a tribal village in Africa.

One day the chief summons him. The chief is angry, and brings out a white baby.

"My wife just had a white baby. You are the only white man in the village. What have you done??"

The missionary thinks, then brings the chief outside, to a field. He points to a flock of sheep.

"This...

A Protestant missionary is in India trying to convert Hindus to Christianity

He teaches a Hindu man about Christianity and gives him a Bible.

He comes back a week later and sees a picture of the pope among all the other gods at the man's house.

"Why do you have a picture of the pope there?"

"Isn't he the reincarnation of Jesus?"

The missionary tol...

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Take 2: what do you call a prostitute who only does missionary?

A back ho.

Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
<...

Two cannibals sit down in their hut and begin to eat a missionary.

One starts at the head and the other starts at the feet. After a few bites ...

Cannibal #1: "Are you enjoying the missionary?"

Cannibal #2: "Yes. I'm having a ball!"

Cannibal #1: "You're eating too fast."

Three christian missionaries stumble upon a cannibal tribe in a tropical jungle

They are immediately captured, and taken back to the village.



The first missionary is brought in front of the chief, who amazingly speaks good English.

He tells the first missionary, "head out into the jungle, find a single fruit, and bring ten of its kind back. Don't think of ...

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My wife says if we get 1000 upvotes we can have sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation

2000 and she'll let me do it with the lights on

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Why do rednecks have sex only missionary style?

It's because YOU NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON FAMILY!!!

I shouldn't have eaten that missionary, the cannibal said with a frown.

It just goes to show, you can't keep a good man down.

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A Recently Divorced Man on an Adventure

A man and his wife got a divorce after 15 years of marriage. After a month of feeling down he decided he needed to get over it. One Friday night he and a mate go to a brothel to have some fun. He asks the madam for a girl who is adventurous and special as he has had blowjobs and missionary sex for h...

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Favourite porn movie parodies…

I’ll start, let’s see what list we can create…

Shaving Ryan’s Privates

Schindler’s Fist

Willy Bonk Her in the Chocolate Factory

Pulp Friction

Evil Head

Honey, I blew everybody

Inspect Her Gadget

Missionary Impossible

Saturday Night Beave...

What's a missionary's favourite type of car?

*A Convertible*

Two Cannibals Are Having A Meal

Two cannibals are sitting down to have a meal of a recently cooked missionary. The first decided to start eating at the head and the second started at the feet.

First Cannibal: “How are you doing down there?”

Second Cannibal: “Oh, I’m having a ball!”

First Cannibal: “Woah! Slow...

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My Amish girlfriend only likes missionary sex. I tried to get her to try other positions.

But all she does is cum plain.

Two cannibals find a missionary in the dark....

Since it was dark and they didn't want to run into each other while they ate him, one started at the head and the other at the feet.

After a while the one who started at the top said, "Hey how you doin' down there?"

Cannibal replied, "Man, I'm havin' a ball!"

First one said, "H...

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On a remote Pacific island, a missionary is trying to teach English to the natives.

He takes a group of the local men on a walk through the jungle, pointing out various items and telling them the English equivalents.
He points to a tree and says "Tree".
The natives all nod and repeat "Tree".
A short time later they come across a large boulder. The missionary says "Rock"....

How does a Dolphin get his lady into missionary position?

Flipper

A couple cannibals meet one day

A couple cannibals meet one day and the first cannibal says, "You known, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, roasted them, stewed them and barbecued them. I've tried every sort of marinade and I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibals asks, "What...

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician's waiting room discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!

The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the missionary position when she got pregnant!

All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Bet...

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There's some soldiers in Vietnam.And they've been pinned down in their trench for days. ( Dark Joke )

Finally one guy says,"Fuck this I really have to pee guys. Lay down covering fire, i'll run into the bushes.When I'm done I'll give a signal and you can give me covering fire while i run back."

So they lay down fire, and he runs off into the jungle.

But he's gone for a good half an hou...

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Missionary Work

An American missionary travels to remote Amazonv village to spread the gospel. First, thing he realizes is that he needs to teach the natives English; as that's the only language he knows and has Bibles to distirbute. He ponders and finally approaches the headman of the village.

As the wa...

I used to be a plumber, but now I’m a missionary.

...I bless the drains down in Africa...

Missionary: Hello tribals, meet Jesus

Tribals: You first

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How did the prostitute become a nun?

Through her missionary work.

Tim Tebow

Professional kneeler Tim Tebow is now doing the unthinkable and returning to the NFL. He’ll be changing positions to Tight End, which is odd since he always struck me as a missionary guy.

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Missionaries.

A priest and a nun are traveling across the Sahara on a missionary trip when the camel they were traveling on died, falling and crushing their water supply. The priest looks at the young, attractive nun and thinks "If we are to die in the service of our lord, surely he will forgive an old man one in...

A European missionary goes to an African tribe...

... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.

However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the ...

There must be a missionary somewhere who’s also a decent plumber.

And he’s the one who blesses the drains down in Africa.

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Missionary

I heard this joke in my native language, so I hope it makes sense in English.

There's this married couple, and the wife is tired of having sex only in the missionary style, so she tells her husband, "Go hang out with your friends, talk to them, listen to their ideas about different sex styles...

A missionary journeys out into the world.

A christian missionary journeys out into the world to spread his beliefs. One day he reaches a native african tribe, where he lives for a while, while teaching them his ways and attending their fields inturn for shelter.

Some time passes and one day the chiefs daughter gives birth to a child...

When a cannibal is eating a missionary man, what does he have for the sides?

God. Because the missionary man, he's got God on his side.

I met a missionary once.

He said it was an interesting position.

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Mormon missionary visitation

Sunday morning the weather was too cloudy to play golf. I was wondering around with nothing to do when I heard the door bell ring. I opened it to see a well dressed man standing there who said,

"I'm a Mormon missionairy, do you have a moment for Jesus Christ?" With nothing else going on I sa...

A missionary staying in an African village approached by the Chief...

The Chief says,

"Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you. "

The missionary begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside.

"Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Loo...

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A missionary deep in the heart of Africa is tending his herd of sheeps when suddenly

the very angry village chief approaches with his little albino daughter in his hand and yells with fury: "Priest! Look at daughter! You are the only white man within a 1000 miles, I know you have had sex with one of my wives!"
The missionary, a bit anxious, says with calm: "No no no, I can assur...

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An American missionary is in Thailand when he is approached by a man offering prostitutes...

The man says in broken English, "I have pretty girl for you!"

The missionary responds, "No thank you"

But he is persistent, "What you like? Long hair? Boobs? Legs?"

The missionary says, "No thank you. I am here to preach the words of Jesus."

The man says, "Oh! You want b...

A Missionary in South America

A Missionary in South America teaches native indigenous tribesman to English language. They paddling on a boat on the Amazon River and the Missionary teaches him: "This is a river. This is a forest. These are the trees. There are leaves on them. "

Down by the river they saw a couple making l...

A missionary goes to an African tribe

There was once a missionary preaching in a small African tribe. The people there loved him and every day more were converted. But one day, a white baby was born to one of the women in the the tribe. The chief immediately sent for the missionary, and demanded to know why he had broken the commandment...

The missionary and the black sheep

A young missionary travels to Senegal to teach God's way to a local tribe.

Upon reaching the village, he is not well received by the inhabitants, but he slowly and steadily create contact.
After many years he's finally accepted by the people and goes along well with everyone, until one d...

Did you hear about the missionary who went to visit the cannibals?

He gave them their first taste of Christianity.

A missionary came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India.

I said sure, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.

What do you call a Sith Missionary? [OC by my 7yr old son]

The Apostle Maul.

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An Indian boy throws cow dung at a British missionary.

He yells, "holy shit!"
Indian boy- Exactly.

A young missionary on his first term in Africa..

..was reading his bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down on his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his bible. As soon as he did, the two lions...

My dog is a Sumarian missionary,

He's all about Baal.

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I'm very naive sexually. My partner asked me to do missionary...

... and I went off to Africa for six months.

Three missionaries in Africa

Three missionaries are going to evangelize tribes in the deep jungle, where they heard dangerous tribes exist.
What had to happen happened, and they got caught by a warriors tribe. Everybody is killed except the missionaries and one native interpreter.
The tribe chief tells the first missi...

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My sexually distant wife and I were passed over for the new missionary job at our church

I guess we didn't have enough experience in the position.

Your mama's so fat...

...they call her missionary impossible.

The white missionary was summoned by the African Chieftain one day...

The Chieftain tells the missionary, “word has reached me that a white baby has been born down the road a ways, and there is not a single other white man within a thousand miles,”
The missionary thinks on it for a second, then turns to look out the window. He responds to the Chieftain, “you must ...

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So a missionary is spreading the word

of God as he see it in the deepest darkest parts of the African jungle. Since companionship is scarce, he entertains himself in the evenings by sitting outside his crude shelter and playing his violin.

As time passes he notices that the animals have begun to come out of the jungle when he pla...

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I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.

On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.

So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"

And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"

What do you call a Catholic Missionary who is also a car enthusiast?

A Catholitic Converter

A missionary has spent the last few months bringing the joys of Christ to a primitive forest tribe.

He has become a friend of the people, and has taught them much. One day, one of the chieftain's many wives gives birth to an albino child. The chieftain has never seen such such a thing, and immediately assumes that his wife has been unfaithful and has been intimate with the only white man in the fo...

A missionary is treading the dangerous jungle...

He's been walking for weeks and has suffered mosquitoes, mud slides, leeches, dysentery and of course the unbearable heat and humidity. He's exhausted but in a few days he'll reach his destination.

Suddenly, a huge tiger leaps up from the bushes right in front of him. She's clearly hungry and...

A missionary noticed a particularly happy cannibal

Missionary: Joe, you look unusually cheery today.

CannibalJoe: Today wife gave me head

I did a girl missionary style

I stole her cultural identity so I could take her land

A missionary goes to Africa...

A missionary goes to Africa and was living with a tribe. While he was there, a white baby was born. The tribe's chief goes to the missionary and asks, "how do you explain this white baby? You're the only white man here, this doesn't seem right...". The missionary looks around and tries to come up wi...

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The Bicycle: "A teaching moment"

A Priest was about to finish his ten-year tour of missionary duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives about the Bible and Christian values, in their own language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them was how to speak Engl...

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A blond, brunette and red head are all in the delivery room ready to give birth.

The doctor walks in and goes the the brunette and asks how she prefers to have sex.

When she replies "missionary" he guesses she'll have a boy. A few minutes later, the baby is born and it's a boy.

Then the doctor steps up to the red head and asks how she prefers to have sex.
...

The missionary was in Africa working with this isolated tribe...

The missionary was in Africa working with this isolated tribe for two years.
One day he wakes up to sticks poking him and sees himself surrounded by members of the tribe who lift him violently and bring him to the chief.
"For what you've done, you're going to die!".
Confused, the missio...

The missionary's horse

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.
One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the mi...

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What do you call the act of turning over in bed to switch from the missionary position to doggy style?

A sexual revolution.

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Two Missionaries...

Two missionaries were ascending a hill in an expedition to convert the hostile unreached jungle inhabitants.

Since very few had ever returned alive from the unfriendly summit very little was known. The two agreed that the best way to win them over was with gifts from their food provisions. ...

[OC] I just spent my morning break writing this joke.

Jeff had spent most of his adult life in prison for a string of drug offenses and theft. He is finally being released at 28 years old after a decade in prison.

He approaches his jailhouse lover, Vince, a former English teacher and schoolboy fondler. Vince was a little sad to say goodbye, and...

What's NC Senate candidate Cal Cunningham's position on extra marital affairs?

Missionary.

What are Christian hookers good at?

Missionary work.

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What’s a preachers favorite sex position?

Missionary

Once, in an African village,

a native man walked up to a missionary with a look of fury on his face. "My wife gave birth today," the native growled, "and the baby is white! And you're the only white person within 100 miles of here! "
The missionary glanced around guiltily for a moment but quickly regained his composure. "Loo...

The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a missionary walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.

Scared to death, the missionary went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".

After on...

Cannibals in the night

A cannibal wakes up in the night and says to his cannibal wife "I'm starving and we ate the last missionary two days ago." His wife responds "We won't be sent a new missionary for a few days, we've got 3 children, why not have one as a snack?" He thinks it's a great idea, so he eats his youngest chi...

A new missionary arrives in Africa . . .

A missionary had just arrived at his new station in Africa, and was being briefed by the man he was about to replace.

"Brother," said the old missionary, "We have truly done the Lord's work here. We have taught nearly all the wild animals in this part of the continent to understand and speak ...

Two missionaries...

Were in a foreign country, when their captured by a group of cannibal. So the cannibals put the missionaries in a big cauldron filled with water over a fire to boil. The two missionaries are sitting in the cauldron when one of them bursts out laughing. The other one looks at him and says " look, we'...

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3 guys talking at the bar about sex with their girlfriends.

Guy 1 "my girl loves it doggy style."

Guy 2 "well my old lady loves to do it 69 style."

They look at the 3rd guy. Guy 1 asks "why so quiet?"

Guy 3 seems reluctant and they encourage him.

Guy 2 "hey we told you about our girls so spill the beans"

Guy 3 "well if I ...

My best joke in 40 year of joke telling

A woman goes to her doctor for a check up. During the post check up consult the doctor says
“Mrs. Jones you are in very good health but, I couldn’t help but notice the abrasions on your elbows and knees. Can you tell me what is causing them?

Sheepishly she responds “Maybe it is because I...

Harrison Ford said this joke on Jimmy Fallon

Two cannibals walk by past each other in the woods in opposite directions. Cannibal 1 says to the other, "hey, how's it going?".

Cannibal 2 replies "not so good, I ate something funny".

Cannibal 1: "really ? Like what?

Cannibal 2: "a missionary"

Cannibal 1: "well, how d...

5 Jokes about Boiling Water

1. Perhaps I shouldn't joke on here about boiling water, it might be too steamy.
2. RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.
3. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
4. What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies
5. One cannibal says ...

We already know Roy Moore's positions on crime and immigration. But, what about his position on children?

Missionary, mostly.

Two Cannibals are Wandering the Jungle...

They come upon a big fat missionary and brain him with a rock. They're excited to have such a feast before them.

Being equitable to one another, as all cannibals are, they decide that one start at the feet and the other start at the head; they'll both work their way to the middle.

Aft...

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A man is lost in the desert...

A man is lost wandering in the desert. After pushing as hard as he could, his horse has died, and he is near to death himself, when along comes a missionary. The missionary, having come extra prepared in case he should come across a poor weary soul, has brought enough food, water, and an extra horse...

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Im fucked god

A missionary is travelling in the jungle and suddenly finds himself surrounded by a a group of warriors from a local tribe.

He begins praying to god and says, "I'm fucked god, I'm fucked". God answers him back and says, "no, you're not fucked. Grab the spear from the leader, crack it over hi...

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Why did the prostitute join the Mormon church?

She wanted a high paying missionary position.

The Puppy

A little boy and his father were driving down the road one day when the little boy saw two dogs mating. He asked his father what they were doing the father replied “They are making a puppy.”
A few days later, the little boy walked in on his parents mid-missionary. He once again asked his dad what...

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A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...and spends many months alone. Just as he's reaching the point that he's starting to go crazy, he spots a ship in the distance and, all excited, lights a fire on the beach that he'd prepared for just such an eventuality.

He's overjoyed when he sees the ship change course and start heading f...

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A tale of two brothers

There were two dwarfs who decided to visit the city one night. They were twin brothers from a remote country town, and had decided to go out and celebrate their 21st birthday.

After some drinks and a nice dinner out, they were walking to the bus stop to go home, when they passed by a brothel....

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