Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

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Jill: "Jane, is your husband a sadist?"

Jane: "Beats me."

Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.

Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.

"What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!"

Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf... we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and...

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A joke my dad always tells.

Mary Jane burnt down the barn one day and her mother said “Mary Jane, you’re gonna get a real butt whoopin’ when your daddy gets home!”
But Mary Jane just laughed and laughed, because she knew her daddy was in the barn.

I hate talking to Mary Jane

She's just too blunt

If Tarzan and Jane were Irish what would that make Cheetah?

The designated driver....

So Jane walks into a clearing...

And sees Tarzan going at it with a log. She watches for a couple of minutes, getting real aroused by the raw sensuality an passion. She decided that Tarzan deserved better.

She quickly undressed and called out to Tarzan: “wouldn’t you like to do it with me instead of the log?” Tarzan looks at...

Tarzan comes home after a hard day and asks Jane to mix him a martini

He's hardly sat down before he's finished it and he asks Jane to mix him another, and being a caring, nurturing mate she does so. Again Tarzan makes it disappear and asks (nicely enough, to be fair) for still another one.

At this, Jane arches a delicate eyebrow and says "Three martinis? Bef...

John and Jane were holding hands walking in the middle of the road. A car drove right between them.

At the hospital, their mutual friend Jacquelyn asked the doctor, “how’s John?”

The doctor replied, “he lost his left arm and leg... but he’s *all right* now.”

After giving the doctor a long stare, she asked, “how about Jane? Is she okay?”

The doctor sighed, “what’s *left* of h...

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Dick and Jane are breaking into a bank vault

In the midst of emptying what they can from the vault, Dick says, "You know, I feel like telling you... I'm gay."

Jane says, "Well, I’m so glad you felt you could tell me. But... why now?"

Dick replies, "I feel like this is a safe space."

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Tarzan and Jane

After having lived alone in the forest for a lot of time, and with just the holes in the trees to fullfill his sexual desires, Tarzan meets Jane.

She finds him while he is fucking a tree hole, and she starts feeling horny. She suddenly takes off her clothes and says:

"Tarzan, fuck me!...

Brexit was similar to choosing your favorite Jane Austen novel.

Pride and Prejudice defeated Sense and Sensibility.

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There was a very rude parrot who stood at a barber's door. Every time Jane went by he'd say "Yo, bitch!"

Tired of this, Jane went to the barber and complained. As a punishment, the barber painted the parrot completely in black.

Two days after, Jane went again by the barber's door and the parrot didn't say anything. On the next day she went by twice and again, the parrot didn't say anything.
<...

What did Jane say to Woody during their threesome with Buzz Lightyear?

You've got a friend in me.

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Introducing my girlfriend to the family

Me: This is my girlfriend Jane

Jane: Hi

Wife: What the fuck

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Tarzan and Jane

Jane notices that Tarzan goes in the jungle everyday to stay alone, so one day, wanting to know what he was doing, she follows him.

She sees Tarzan go by a tree, with a hole in it, put his dick in it, and bang it.

So she is touched by the fact that the poor man has to use a tree and de...

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Why did the monkey and Jane fight over Tarzan?

Because they heard that he swings both ways.

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"Hi, I'm Jane" she said. "I'm Christopher" I replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short". "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You ask nicely" I said.

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Billy goes to spend the weekend with Jane, his cousin...

On her house, she tells him he will sleep on the bottom bunk bed, because she liked the top.

During the night, believing that Billy is asleep, Jane goes to the front door to let her boyfriend in. Her boyfriend goes to the bedroom and climbs the bunk with her. Jane warns her boyfriend that Bil...

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Jack off...

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that th...

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

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Today I asked Jane, the hot girl at my gym, what her New Year's resolution was. She said "fuck you"

it's June

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Tarzan and Jane

One day, Jane decides to teach Tarzan about sex.
As she is giving him the basics, Tarzan goes:
"Oh, Tarzan know sex. Tarzan sometimes do with hole in tree"
Horrified, Jane goes:
"My word, Tarzan, no, that's so terribly wrong. Here," she lays down on her back and opens her legs "You have ...

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Jane gets her very first periods...

and has no idea what's going on. She meets her friend John and tells him about the problem.
He asks to take a look.

After a minute of watching under her skirt he says: "Well, I'm not a doctor but it seems that you've got your dick ripped off."

How can we get rid of the Electoral College?

Put Jane Sanders in charge of it.

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So Jane asks Tarzan if he knows what Sex is...

He asks, "what sex?". So she explains the mechanics and asks if he's ever done that. Tarzan says, "yes, with hole in tree".

Jane says, "no, no, no, this is where you're supposed to do it", and lays down on the ground with her legs spread open, gesturing Tarzan to mount her.

So Tarzan...

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A blind man is sitting in a restaurant.

When the waiter comes to the table the blind man asks may he please have the dirty fork of the last diner. The waiter is a bit puzzled but says ok. The blind man puts the fork in his mouth and says, "mmm...meatloaf, that's delicious, I'll have the meatloaf please."

The next night the blind ma...

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Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...

and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at...

Why is Mary Jane so attractive in the comics?

Because Spidey needs a place to Park his Peter.

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Johnny and Jane were walking near a building site (long).

Jane asked "Do you wanna see a neat way to make some money?"

Johnny replied "O... o... okay. H... h... how d... d... do you do it?"

(he has an unfortunate stutter)

"Follow me", said Jane.

She led him up to the top of the five story building that's under construction.
<...

How does Mary Jane get to school?

She takes the cani-bus

It's been quite a while since I saw a movie with Jane, Henry, or Bridget

I guess it's true what they say - absence makes the heart grow Fonda.

I've got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.

I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”

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What do you call Mary Janes vagina?

A peter parker.

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Tarzan and Jane were in the jungle...

... and while Jane was asking Tarzan about his life she asked him how he had sex.
Tarzan wasn't sure what she meant so she proceeded to explain.
Tarzan explained that he used a knot hole in a tree trunk.
Jane was shocked by this and said 'You can't do it like that I will have to show you'....

Jane Smith

John Smith's wife, Jane, was very ill, so John brought her to the hospital, where he left her overnight. He returned the next day to pick her up, and the Doctor approached him. "Good morning, Doctor. How is Jane?" The Doctor responded, "Sir, we had a little mixup last night. There were two women tha...

Jane goes to buy a car...

Jane went to buy a new car that she saw advertised for a certain price. After telling the salesman which car she wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed Jane the bill, and she declared, “This isn’t the price I saw!”

The salesman went on to tell Jane how she was getting ...

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

Jane ate her friend's lunch.

Jane ate her friend's colon.

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John and Jane go to see a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor says, "So, you two are married, correct?"

"Correct," they reply.

"And you are having regular sex?" asks the counsellor.

"Absolutely," they reply,

"So," laughs the counsellor, "What is the problem?"

They say, "Well, our partners don't really approve."

Why I fired my secretary today.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".

I t...

Mary Jane

One night Mary Jane was walking down a dark alley when a strange man appeared and started ripping her clothes off. Mary Jane laughed and laughed though, because she knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.

Why did Josh Gordon marry Mary Jane?

So he'd only get a 2 game suspension for abusing her.

Did you know that John Deere has a sister company that no one knows?

Jane Doe

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The Pillsbury Dough Boy has died...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughb...

A husband on his death bed

Jane and Roy had been married for 40 years. They lived frugally and never had any children. Everything they owned was paid for.
Roy kept all of his money in cash at home. He always talked about how he was going to take his money with him when he died. Always saying he wanted all of his money put...

A teenage boy goes to confession. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I’ve had premarital intercourse.”

The priest says “My son, who was the young lady? Was it Mary O’Toole?”

“I won’t say her name. I don’t want her to get in trouble.”

“Was it Jane Thompson? Laura Smith?”

“Father, I’m not saying who it was.”

He exits the confessional and his friend asks “What’d you get?”
...

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Little Johnny

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great J...

A joke my dad always tells.

Mary Jane was swinging on the swing set when her Mama came out and yelled,
“Mary Jane! Don’t swing so high! The boys can see your underwear!”
But Mary Jane just laughed and laughed, because she knew she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

A guy on a speed date with a woman

Guy: Hello! I am John. Nice to meet you.

Girl: Nice to meet you too!! I am Jane. What do you do for a living, John?

Guy: I am an Astrophysicist.

Girl: OMG!! That's so cool. I am a Gemini..

(Happened in real life, so can't take credit for it)

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Quiz Show

Jane was a first time contestant on the $100,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed ...

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Edition".

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilen...

You have to love those Newfies...........

A road crew supervisor in southern Ontario hired Herb from Newfoundland, to paint the yellow line down the middle of highway 10 heading up toward Wasaga Beach. He was skeptical about hiring him since he didn't have any painting background; however, he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he reall...

A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl." "Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?" "Oh I can't say." "Was it Mary Jane?" "No Father." "Adalina Mozarelli?" "My lips are sealed." "How about Cindy King" "I can never say." "Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It wa...

Adding a PERIOD to a sentence can literally change everything, too. For example...

*Jane was on her bike.*

Becomes...

*Jane was on her period.*

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A prostitute has a problem...

There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked...

An embarassing supermarket checkout . . .

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had a scratched bar code, making it unreadable to the scanner.

Imagine her embarrassment when the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price check on Tampax, supersize please.”

A...

Doctor Joke

Bill: I went to my doctor and told him I was having trouble breathing.

Jane: Really? What'd he say?

Bill: He told me he could give me something to stop it.

A couple on their 60th anniversary

Jake and Jane wake up on the day of their 60th anniversary. Jane turns to Jake and says:
Jane: Jake, is there anything you have been keeping a secret in all these years from me? Today is our 60th anniversary and you can come clean! I want be mad.
Jake: Well Jane, now that you asked, it was me ...

Charlotte Bronte wrote a horror novel

Jane Scare.

Emily wrote one about aircraft turbulence:

Wuthering Flights.


(I do apologise for this)

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One of the first "dirty" jokes I heard when I was 10

So Jane sees Tarzan sneaking off one night and goes investigating. She follows his trail and finds him furiously humping a tree-trunk that has a curiously well-used looking hole in it. Initially disgusted, she's mollified thinking, "At least he wasn't doing it with other animals like everybody else ...

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How did Aids originally jump from chimpanzees to humans?

Tarzan was not a virgin when he met jane

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Kids these days...

A bunch of kids are playing football when someone kicks the ball over the fence through the window of the neighbour's house (breaking it in the process). No one wants to go and get the ball back since the owner is very strict, so they pick the kid who has the best manners to go and apologise.
...

Euro 2016

Hi! I've got 2 tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but forgot that it's on the same day as my wedding so I can't go.

If you are interested and want to go instead of me ...

... It's at St. Nicholas' Church, Brighton and she's called Jane.

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All the Children

EDIT: found the original post - turns out it got 9K upvotes and 2 gold... forgive me for being an accidental karma whore ;)

EDIT2: original poster: u/joschon

Let me introduce you to All The Children jokes - bear in mind this is a sort of repost as I saw this a while back (months) and t...

Math class

Teacher asks Johnny:

"Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?"

"An orgy?"

Edited: names spelling, grammar.

Here's a bit of family-friendly ADD humor, compliments of my wife and daughter

So, my wife, children, and myself were out in town the other day. My wife was reprimanding our daughter for not listening and for not paying attention to things going on. The conversation went as follows (names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved):

Jane (wife): Jill, I ...

What is the most expensive book of all time?

Pride and Accomplishment, by Jane Austen

So an elderly couple

Jim and Jane, in a nursing home were having a torid love affair. Well, at 97 and 93, "torrid love affair" translates to a once weekly meeting at the nursing home TV room, where Jane holds Jim's johnson through an episode of "Friends".

This went on for a while, but one day Jim didn't show up....

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Black panties

Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't got out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Jane says she'll go out and finds a date.
They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her ...

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NSFW. Bob is complaining about his sex life..

.. to his friend Joe.

"It's so boring, just one position, in-out repeat as necessary while Jane just stares at the ceiling."

Joe strokes his chin thoughtfully and says "you need to start being dynamic, spontaneous, dominant and innovative! As soon as she comes to bed just surprise her ...

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When I get a few beers in me I tell a lot of these jokes very fast without pausing for laughter or criticism

What's the difference between an elephant and a plum? The color

What did Jane say to Tarzan when the elephants were coming? The elephants are coming

What did Tarzan say to Jane when the Elephants were coming? The Plums are coming (He was color blind)

How do you kill a Blue el...

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23 Limericks

These are all originals. The only way you saw one of these before this was posted is if you hacked my phone. If your name is on here, you owe me an upvote.

There once was a woman named June
Who was born about nine months too soon
She didn't have the luck
To be born by a fuck
She ...

Jack,"Our relationship is over."

Jane,"Our relationship is what? Over."

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Little Johnny

Teacher was asking her students to talk about their fathers and their careers one day.

"My daddy is a fireman!" Jane proudly boasted.
"Mine is a policeman, he catches bad guys!" Said Jack with pride.

It came around to Little Johnny, who looked downcast and was very quiet, very ou...

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