UPJOKE
donnarachelsarahjoanemilylouisejohnnaomimarcjeannemariejuanjanritagan

2 women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"...

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What's the difference between George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump, and Jane Fonda?

Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a b...

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

Tarzan had just taught his new girlfriend, Jane, how to swing from a vine.

Jane saw a long, thin stick hanging among the vines. "Can I try swinging from that?" she asked Tarzan.

"You can try," replied Tarzan. "But trust me, it won't work."

So Jane grabbed the stick. Then, much to Tarzan's amazement, Jane was swinging from the stick just as well as he had ever...

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[oc] Tarzan wants to propose to Jane

So he looks for other couples to understand how to do it.

He sees a man bend down on one knee, pulls out a ring and asks "Will you marry me?"

Tarzan thinks it’s a bit odd, but he goes to Jane, gets down on one knee, pulls out a ring and says "Jane you Tarzan me"

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

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Jane and Bob decided to teach David

Jane and Bob had a 10-month-old baby named David. They loved David very much and were always with David. Then one day, Jane and Bob decided to teach David the words "Mom" and "Dad."

Jane : Could you say M-O-M

David : m.. mu..mum.. mom!

Bob : Great job, then D-A-D

David : ...

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example- Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

Now this - Jane ate her friend's colon.

Mary and Jane are old friends.

They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful ever...

‌‌My L‌‌esbian neighbours Jane a‌‌nd Caroline a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌ecently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌ere desperate to have a baby.

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

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I once dated a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

Simple: Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

Jane couldn't quite work out why she didn't like her husband's new hobby.

But as he grabbed his bait and rod for the fifth day in row, she new it seemed fishy.

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.

***Thomas, Jane or the fat and ugly one?***

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Little Johnny’s teacher was starting a lesson on multi-syllable words.

She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few children for examples of words with more than one syllable. Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words? After thinking for a while, Jane proudly responded, “Monday”. Great, Jane, that has two syllables, Mon-day! Does anyone know any other words? I...

I can only see Jane's Addiction videos on YouTube if I stare straight at them

I must've lost my PerryFerrell vision

Jane: I miss England.

Tarzan: Me no idea you a beauty pageant winner.

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Jane was a very beautiful lady

But she had one issue: her breath was horrible, and because of that, she had a really hard time with getting to know new people.

Despite that, she was determined to get a date. One night, she went to a club. A guy approaches her, and says: "Hey, wanna dance?"

Jane just nodded her head...

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"Hi, I'm Jane" she said. "I'm Christopher" I replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short". "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You ask nicely" I said.

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

Jane Goodall has blocked my number!

Didn't appreciate me sending her photos of macaque.

in the restaurant:

Waitress: Hello, my name is Pam, what can I get you?

Husband: Hello Pam, you are very beautiful.

Wife: Why don't you tell her about your erectile dysfunction?

Husband: OK. Pam, this is my erectile dysfunction, her name is Jane.

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Mary Jane, Gwen Stacy and Jessica Drew walk into a bar for superheroes. After a few rounds of drinks, they got to arguing over which of them was the greatest super-heroine..

Gwen Stacy: I’m Spider Gwen, so me being the best goes without saying.




Mary Jane: *Yawn*




Jessica Drew: Well I’m Spider-Woman! You can’t get any better than that!






Mary Jane: *Boring*.



Gwen Stacy: Oh, we’re boring you, MJ?...

Joe Wong and Jane Wright are getting married

Joe asks Jane if she'd be willing to take his name.

"I will," she says, "only if you agree that our children must also take your name."

Joe is puzzled, he'd assumed that'd be the case. He asked her, "why?"

"Because," she said, "two Wongs don't make a Wright."

TIL that Jane Goodall had a degree in business.

Monkey Business.

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So Jane asks Tarzan if he knows what Sex is...

He asks, "what sex?". So she explains the mechanics and asks if he's ever done that. Tarzan says, "yes, with hole in tree".

Jane says, "no, no, no, this is where you're supposed to do it", and lays down on the ground with her legs spread open, gesturing Tarzan to mount her.

So Tarzan...

a Colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

Jane's friend took a bite of her hamburger.

vs.

Jane's friend took a bite of her colon.

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Tarzan knew nothing about sex when he met Jane

So Jane decide to teach him in a way that he would understand.
"listen Tarzan, what you've got between your legs is a dirty rag and what I have between my legs is a washing machine. So you just have to wash your rag in my washing machine."
Tarzan began to grow extremely fond of his newfound se...

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

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An obituary

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.
Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrit...

Larry, Moe and Joe die and go to heaven

At the pearly Gates, St Peter tell them well since you were overall good people I’ll let you into Heaven however all your Heavenly possessions will be based on how faithful you were to your spouses. Let’s start with you Larry: in 20 years of marriage you cheated on your wife Jennifer 5 times, that m...

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Same sound as a G.I. Jane joke apparently

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Mary and Jane are two new mothers and they are chatting about raising baby boys

Jane asks Mary “What do you call that useless bit of skin at the end of the penis”

Mary says “I call it my husband”

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Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...

and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at...

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Tarzan and Jane

One day, Jane decides to teach Tarzan about sex.
As she is giving him the basics, Tarzan goes:
"Oh, Tarzan know sex. Tarzan sometimes do with hole in tree"
Horrified, Jane goes:
"My word, Tarzan, no, that's so terribly wrong. Here," she lays down on her back and opens her legs "You have ...

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Why can you always tell what Dick and Jane will do next?

They're so easy to read!

A group of girls named Karen, Jane and Ruth often hang out. What are Karen and Jane like by themselves?

Completely Ruthless

I hate talking to Mary Jane

She's just too blunt

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Jill: "Jane, is your husband a sadist?"

Jane: "Beats me."

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Tarzan and Jane

Jane notices that Tarzan goes in the jungle everyday to stay alone, so one day, wanting to know what he was doing, she follows him.

She sees Tarzan go by a tree, with a hole in it, put his dick in it, and bang it.

So she is touched by the fact that the poor man has to use a tree and de...

What did Jane say to Woody during their threesome with Buzz Lightyear?

You've got a friend in me.

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Tarzan and Jane were in the jungle...

... and while Jane was asking Tarzan about his life she asked him how he had sex.
Tarzan wasn't sure what she meant so she proceeded to explain.
Tarzan explained that he used a knot hole in a tree trunk.
Jane was shocked by this and said 'You can't do it like that I will have to show you'....

So Jane walks into a clearing...

And sees Tarzan going at it with a log. She watches for a couple of minutes, getting real aroused by the raw sensuality an passion. She decided that Tarzan deserved better.

She quickly undressed and called out to Tarzan: “wouldn’t you like to do it with me instead of the log?” Tarzan looks at...

When I was 15yo, I had met a couple by the name of John and Jane Doe and I thought that was the wildest coincidence ever.

Cut to a few months ago, I'm now 35 and I'm thinking about John and Jane Doe.

And I'm like, I bet they were lying to me about that.

What’s the similarity between Jane Goodall and the Viet Cong?

They’re both masters of gorilla warfare

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Jane gets her very first periods...

and has no idea what's going on. She meets her friend John and tells him about the problem.
He asks to take a look.

After a minute of watching under her skirt he says: "Well, I'm not a doctor but it seems that you've got your dick ripped off."

Why did the monkey and Jane fight over Tarzan?

Because they heard that he swings both ways.

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There was a very rude parrot who stood at a barber's door. Every time Jane went by he'd say "Yo, bitch!"

Tired of this, Jane went to the barber and complained. As a punishment, the barber painted the parrot completely in black.

Two days after, Jane went again by the barber's door and the parrot didn't say anything. On the next day she went by twice and again, the parrot didn't say anything.
<...

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Dick and Jane are breaking into a bank vault

In the midst of emptying what they can from the vault, Dick says, "You know, I feel like telling you... I'm gay."

Jane says, "Well, I’m so glad you felt you could tell me. But... why now?"

Dick replies, "I feel like this is a safe space."

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Tarzan and Jane

After having lived alone in the forest for a lot of time, and with just the holes in the trees to fullfill his sexual desires, Tarzan meets Jane.

She finds him while he is fucking a tree hole, and she starts feeling horny. She suddenly takes off her clothes and says:

"Tarzan, fuck me!...

If Tarzan and Jane were Irish what would that make Cheetah?

The designated driver....

I've got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.

I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…”

They polled Britons on their favorite Jane Austen novel

52% prefer Pride & Prejudice to Sense & Sensibility

John and Jane were holding hands walking in the middle of the road. A car drove right between them.

At the hospital, their mutual friend Jacquelyn asked the doctor, “how’s John?”

The doctor replied, “he lost his left arm and leg... but he’s *all right* now.”

After giving the doctor a long stare, she asked, “how about Jane? Is she okay?”

The doctor sighed, “what’s *left* of h...

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What do you call Mary Janes vagina?

A peter parker.

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

Jane Smith

John Smith's wife, Jane, was very ill, so John brought her to the hospital, where he left her overnight. He returned the next day to pick her up, and the Doctor approached him. "Good morning, Doctor. How is Jane?" The Doctor responded, "Sir, we had a little mixup last night. There were two women tha...

Legs up joke

Jane come from school and goes home. Jane asks her mom “mom, why do people who have their legs up go to heaven?”. Mom answers “that isn’t true, Jane?”. Jane says “but I saw the neighbour with her legs up and she screamed “Oh god, I’m cummin’, I’m cummin’. Mom looks shocked, but Jane says in the mean...

Jane goes to buy a car...

Jane went to buy a new car that she saw advertised for a certain price. After telling the salesman which car she wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed Jane the bill, and she declared, “This isn’t the price I saw!”

The salesman went on to tell Jane how she was getting ...

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Did you hear that Spiderman is in trouble with the law?

They caught him on the web looking for Mary-Jane.

How does Mary Jane get to school?

She takes the cani-bus

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John and Jane go to see a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor says, "So, you two are married, correct?"

"Correct," they reply.

"And you are having regular sex?" asks the counsellor.

"Absolutely," they reply,

"So," laughs the counsellor, "What is the problem?"

They say, "Well, our partners don't really approve."

Mary Jane

One night Mary Jane was walking down a dark alley when a strange man appeared and started ripping her clothes off. Mary Jane laughed and laughed though, because she knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.

Why did Josh Gordon marry Mary Jane?

So he'd only get a 2 game suspension for abusing her.

I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, De...

Tarzan comes home after a hard day and asks Jane to mix him a martini

He's hardly sat down before he's finished it and he asks Jane to mix him another, and being a caring, nurturing mate she does so. Again Tarzan makes it disappear and asks (nicely enough, to be fair) for still another one.

At this, Jane arches a delicate eyebrow and says "Three martinis? Bef...

It's been quite a while since I saw a movie with Jane, Henry, or Bridget

I guess it's true what they say - absence makes the heart grow Fonda.

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All-Female Crew As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are a...

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Introducing my girlfriend to the family

Me: This is my girlfriend Jane

Jane: Hi

Wife: What the fuck

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A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."

"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"

"Oh I can't say."

"Was it Mary Jane?"

"No Father."

"Adalina Mozarelli?"

"My lips are sealed."

"How about Cindy King"

"I can neve...

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alon...

Little Johnny strikes again.

So Johnny tells Mom.
“I was at the Playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Dadd...

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Two girls are speaking and one tearfully confesses:

\- Oh, Jane, I've a problem: I've never been eaten because my pussy smells a lot like onion.

\- I think you're in luck: I have a friend, Tony, who can't smell absolutely anything. And seeing how beautiful you are, I'm sure you will get along well.

The girl calls the boy, they meet to g...

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

Two of my married (to each other) geeky friends enjoy couples-themed cosplay.

Every convention I see them in different outfits. One year it was Doctor McCoy and Nurse Chapel. The next they went as Luke and Leia. Then they went as the 4th Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith.

Well, the lady had a baby after that. The next time I saw them, He was dressed up as Number 6 Patr...

Soda Pop Boyfriends

At their ten year high school reunion, Mary is seated with her old friend Jane.  Mary tells Jane about her husband who she has been with since high school.  Jane tells Mary that she never did marry but had plenty of boy friends and that she always named the boy friends after soda pops.  Really a...

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A plane ditches off the coast of a deserted tropical island. The pilot, the co-pilot and a hot stewardess are the only survivors...

They start to set up camp. John, the pilot builds a hut, Jack, the co-pilot does his best in hunting and gathering, and Jane a campfire going. The eat all together, look at the stars and ponder on their new fate. After nightfall, they get into the hut, cuddle to keep warm and fall asleep.

The...

One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary...

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