If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

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What does Queen Elizabeth have between her breasts that Meghan Markle doesn't have between her breasts?

A belly button.

Bush , Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell.

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next...

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth II are having a meeting...

During the meeting, the Queen brags about how, by simply moving her hand she can make everyone in England happy for a few minutes.
The Pope asks her to do this. Then, she waves her hand and everyone cheers.
The Pope then says, "by moving my hand, I can make all the people in Ireland happy fore...

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President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a political discussion...

President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a discussion about politics. Trump asks the Queen, "Could the United States become a Kingdom, like yours?"

And the Queen responds, "No, a Kingdom is ruled by a King. I'm sorry but you are no King."

This upsets Trump, but he thinks it over ...

Why does no one laugh when Queen Elizabeth farts?

Coz noble gases got no reactions!

Omg! My first gold. Thank you so much.

Stormy Daniels and queen Elizabeth died on the same day and both went to heaven

When they reached the gates of heaven, god greeted them and said “sorry ladies we only have room for one of you right now, please make your best case on why I should let you in.” Stormy Daniels thinks for a minute and lifts up her shirt and jumps around. Queen Elizabeth sees this, thinks about it an...

Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.

Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have ...

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Trump is on the phone with Queen Elizabeth II

They discussed politics, Brexit, and many other things for a few minutes, before Trump started off a new topic tangent;

"You know, I've been thinking, and your country- and may I say, it used be be a YUGE empire but is now full of migrants from shithole countries- is ruled by a monarch, so it...

Why are fire engines red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have...

A teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Richard: I want to be a doctor!
Tommy: I want to be a firefighter!
Elizabeth: I want to be a mother!

The teacher then asks Jamal what he wants to do later.

Jamal: Help people.

Teacher: What kind of help?

Jamal: I want to help Elizabeth become a mother.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself.

St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.


St. Peter lets Queen Elizabe...

Why does Queen Elizabeth’s toilet do so well in poker games?

Because it’s got a royal flush.

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Donald Trump is visiting Queen Elizabeth.

Mr Trump turns to Queen Elizabeth and says "I want to be a King."


Liz says "Ahh but you do not have a kingdom."

Don says "What about a prince?"

Liz says "Ahh but you do not have a principality."

Don says "A duke then?"

Liz says "Ahh but you do not have a duch...

What did renowned Little Shop of Horrors fan, Queen Elizabeth, say to Patrick Stewart at his knighting ceremony?

Kneel, Patrick Stewart.

Queen Elizabeth has been on the Throne for 65 years

That's one hell of a dodgy curry.

Queen Elizabeth may have lived to be 102,

but Diana got up to 120 when she died.

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So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II and she says

"Watch Francis! With a wave of my hand I can make every loyal subject go completly hysterical." So she waves her hand and every loyal subject goes completly apeshit.

Then Pope Francis tells her "Well Elizabeth with a wave of my hand, I can give every Irishman and Scotsman eternal joy." To whi...

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St. Peter meets Queen Elizabeth II at the Gates of Heaven and says, "Your Highness. I have been waiting…

for you. I have looked down upon you all your life, you were an amazing lady, who leaves behind a legacy of amazing achievements. I'm giving you the most wonderful halo. I have had 100 men crafting it for 100 years. "
The queen is carelessly skipping around the endlessly paved roads that make u...

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Queen Elizabeth II visits a hospital...

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating. "Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your R...

I just read a post about Queen Elizabeth II, and something struck me as odd...

After spending 65 years on the throne, I suppose she's the most constipated ruler ever.

Joe Biden formally announcing his run for president

Bernie Sanders: I am running

Andrew Yang: I am running

Kamala Harris: I am running

Elizabeth Warren: I am running

Joe Biden: Me too

​

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Pamela Anderson and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day... (one of my dad's favorites)

Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and says, "I'm sorry ladies, but I only have room for one of you. Prove to me that you're the best candidate for Heaven." Pam, thinking this one's in the bag, flashes Saint Peter her tits. "Very nice, Pam", he says. Queen Elizabeth, thinking for a momen...

What are Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Theresa May doing in a room together?

...playing bridge.

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.

​

Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.

&#x...

How does Queen Elizabeth win a game of poker?

She goes to the bathroom.

I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II

...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures.

What do you get if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?

Killed in a Parisian tunnel.

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Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs....

Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"

It would be terrifying if Elizabeth I were alive today...

... Because she's dead.


Note: Credit goes to my dryly-sarcastic history professor.

“I am a gigabyte,” said the megabyte.

“But you’re only 1/1024th of a gigabtye.”

“Good enough for Elizabeth Warren.”

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The Royal we.

Queen Elizabeth and princess Kate are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they're driving breaks down. The driver has to go look for help, and while he's gone some ruffians come across the disabled royalty.
"Ain't you the queen?"
She confirms she is.
"Where's your tiara?"...

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On his recent visit to England Trump is very taken with all the pomp and regalia of royalty...

So while having dinner seated next to the Queen he announces boldly that from here on in he would like the USA to be referred to as the "United Kingdom of America!"
The Queen shakes her head and says somewhat admonishingly, "My dear Donald you can't do that - you are not a King".
A bit defe...

The British Royals are having tea

Queen Elizabeth says "Philip, I think you should see a doctor. I fear you have a touch of dementia."

"ME? *You're* the one who thinks she's the bloody Queen of England!"

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A joke for married golfers

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pu...

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He Has No Class

Donald Trump lands aboard Air Force One at Heathrow, and deplanes to a long red carpet. He walks to where Queen Elizabeth II is waiting to welcome him with much pomp and circumstance.

They are ushered into a new silver Rolls Royce, then chauffeured to Buckingham Palace.

After tea, ...

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

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Career Day

I had just finished serving a wedding liturgy, when one of the groomsmen told the priest a joke I thought I'd share.

There's a Catholic grade school in Ireland, and Sister Mary Agnes teaches the first grade students. One day, she asks what they'd all like to be when they grow up. Little Eliza...

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Two nuns are driving down a dark, winding road in rural Romania. . .

when they turn a corner to see a vampire hovering over what appears to be a body in the middle of the road. It looks up and hisses as the headlights illuminate blood-covered fangs.

Sister Mary looks at Sister Elizabeth and says, "What should I do?"

Sister Elizabeth answers, "Show him y...

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Three nuns are remodeling their church...

New window panes, interior paint, new pews, the works. When it comes time to paint, they decide they don't want to get any paint on their habits, so they take off their clothes. They're painting half-nude and suddenly they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, Sister Elizabeth asks, "Who is it?"
...

A lot of screwing around

a boy asks his dad if he can go on a date.

"with who?" says the dad

"elizabeth brown" says the boy. "Do you know her?"

oh, uh, son. There is somethigg you need to know. a long time ago I did quite a bit of screwing around, and... she is your half sister.

the boy storms aw...

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Dad, is Santa real?

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the popul...

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A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?'' The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'' St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your...

Donald Trump is the most unifying voice in American politics.

When was the last time Barack Obama, Paul Ryan, Jon Stewart, Glenn Beck, Bernie Sanders, George Bush, Elizabeth Warren, Mitt Romney, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, John McCain, and Hillary Clinton all agreed on anything?

Once Prince Philip went to China. That time most of the Chinese had poor knowledge in English.

One of the Chinese ministers welcomed Prince Philip. A written copy of probable welcome conversation was given to the minister. What was written there?

Minister: Welcome to China.

Philip: Thank you.

Minister: How are you?

Philip: Good. You?

Minister: Me too.
...

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The benefits of good health insurance

Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn...

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Catholic confesses having anal sex...

"Father forgive me, for I have sinned"
"What have you done my child?"
"I have had anal sex with a woman..."
"With whom?"
"I fear to speak her name, for I know not if she has confessed herself"
"Do not worry my child, all the women in this village go to confession, was it Mar...

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Little Johnny and the ABC's

Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, wh...

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"I know everybody!"

Bob and Jeff are talking amongst themselves, when Bob says "I know every single person in the world."
Jeff says "That's not possible! There's no way you can know everybody in the world."
"Okay," Bob replies with a smug look, "I'll prove it. Let's go see my friend Bill Gates."
With that,...

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Republican Jokes

Q: Why should Creationism be taught in schools?

A: Because it leaves less time to teach Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer

Q: What kind of celebration pays down the national debt?

A: A tea party.

Q: When is it okay for Republicans to engage in group sex and d...

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The Queen of England dies and goes to heaven.

Naturally, she spends her first few hours there catching up with all of her dead friends and family members. Eventually, she sees Princess Diana, and they start chatting, but Queen Elizabeth is clearly distracted. Eventually, she finally asks, "Diana, dear, why is it that nobody else here has a halo...

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3 women are sitting together at a bar....

Laura, Sara, and Elizabeth.
Laura sips her drink and tells the other two,
"Did you know," she says, "that the men with the biggest feet have the best sex in bed?"
Astonished, Sara decides to go test this out. Once she leaves the bar, she sees a man with the biggest shoes she's ever seen. Sh...