Elizabeth Jokes - 74 Hilarious Elizabeth Jokes

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

T...

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.

Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have ...

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi

My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:

Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses farted.

Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, th...

What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and Queen Elizabeth?

Dead in a tunnel

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?

You die in a car accident in Paris.

what's the difference between queen Elizabeth and Paul walker

Paul walker made it to 100 before he died.

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Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

Queen Elizabeth is so immortal...

That even jokes about her immortality will never die!

Following the death of Queen Elizabeth, Prince Andrew has been given the role of looking after the corgis.

At least they will be well groomed.

Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

What type of tea does queen elizabeth love to drink?

Immortali-Tea

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Pamela Anderson and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day... (one of my dad's favorites)

Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and says, "I'm sorry ladies, but I only have room for one of you. Prove to me that you're the best candidate for Heaven." Pam, thinking this one's in the bag, flashes Saint Peter her tits. "Very nice, Pam", he says. Queen Elizabeth, thinking for a momen...

Adam and Eve are walking through the Garden of Eden for the first time

They marvel at the beauty. Waterfalls, beautiful plants, trees, and animals, and an incredible sky are the things they look at and enjoy. Adam looks past God and sees a woman standing there. With Eve next to him, he wonders who it is. He asks God "who is that standing there?" God turns and Queen Eli...

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The Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals

and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your Majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the t...

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Elizabeth Taylor goes in to get her vagina reconditioned.

Elizabeth : Dr. I want to have the vagina of an 18 year old.

Dr. : Ok that can be done.

Elizabeth: Ok but please, ABSOLUTELY NO PAPARAZZI or MEDIA involvement!

Dr. : Of course, it will be completely confidential.

The surgery occurs with no complications. in f...

Have you heard that Queen Elizabeth’s heir no longer will go by his given name?

That’s right. From now on he would like to be called “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince”

I was going to make a pun about Elizabeth the 1st's menstrual cycle...

But I don't like making period jokes, because not everyone gets them.

Did you hear Elizabeth Warren cancelled her campaign?

It wasn't the first race she has had to leave.

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

An American and an Englishman are about to be executed

The American is put before the executioner and is asked: "What are your final 3 wishes ?"

The American replies: "My first wish is to smoke one last cigarette"

They bring him one last cigarette, he somkes it and the executioner asks him: "Your 2nd wish ?"

Amer...

A teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Richard: I want to be a doctor!
Tommy: I want to be a firefighter!
Elizabeth: I want to be a mother!

The teacher then asks Jamal what he wants to do later.

Jamal: Help people.

Teacher: What kind of help?

Jamal: I want to help Elizabeth become a mother.

Over 100 Coronavirus cases have been reported on the British Navy's flagship HMS Queen Elizabeth.

Other ships in the fleet have been told to keep their distance as it's a carrier.

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth II are having a meeting...

During the meeting, the Queen brags about how, by simply moving her hand she can make everyone in England happy for a few minutes.
The Pope asks her to do this. Then, she waves her hand and everyone cheers.
The Pope then says, "by moving my hand, I can make all the people in Ireland happy fore...

Queen Elizabeth II changed her name to Hope

She wont die because MY HOPE WILL NEVER DIE

Have scientists considered Queen Elizabeth's

Blood for covid-19 vaccine...??

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Guy walks into a hotel

A few years back, a feeder tournament for the World Series of Poker has attracted a lot of people to the town where it is being held, and every hotel in town is sold out. A guy without a reservation walks in and asks for a room. The desk clerk tells him “Sorry, but there are no rooms available. Due ...

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What does Queen Elizabeth have between her breasts that Meghan Markle doesn't have between her breasts?

A belly button.

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Donald Trump is visiting Queen Elizabeth.

Mr Trump turns to Queen Elizabeth and says "I want to be a King."

Liz says "Ahh but you do not have a kingdom."

Don says "What about a prince?"

Liz says "Ahh but you do not have a principality."

Don says "A duke then?"

Liz says "Ahh but you do not have a duch...

With spring around the corner, Queen Elizabeth decided that the palace needed a bit of fresh air.

Unfortunately, Prince Phillip began wafting out of a second story window

Queen Elizabeth ascended to the throne 69 years ago today. When asked for comment, Boris Johnson replied,

"Nice."

Queen Elizabeth has been on the Throne for 65 years

That's one hell of a dodgy curry.

Queen Elizabeth may have lived to be 102,

but Diana got up to 120 when she died.

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Two nuns are driving down a dark, winding road in rural Romania. . .

when they turn a corner to see a vampire hovering over what appears to be a body in the middle of the road. It looks up and hisses as the headlights illuminate blood-covered fangs.

Sister Mary looks at Sister Elizabeth and says, "What should I do?"

Sister Elizabeth answers, "Show him y...

I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II

...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures.

Why is Elizabeth Warren really running for president?

She will finally get to be called Chief.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself.

St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.

St. Peter lets Queen Elizabe...

A happily married couple

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"My name is Elizabeth, but my friends call me Liz," the woman replied.The intruder s...

How does Queen Elizabeth win a game of poker?

She goes to the bathroom.

Sister Mary Margaret woke up and saw from the rising sun that she was late.

She jumped up, dressed in a hurry and headed down for morning prayers. Sister Agnes took a look at her and said "Well, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed today" and smirked. Sister Mary Margaret just shook her head, slightly annoyed, and kept going. Then she saw Sister Martha who looked at ...

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather...

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.

It would be terrifying if Elizabeth I were alive today...

... Because she's dead.

Note: Credit goes to my dryly-sarcastic history professor.

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So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity

He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.

Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"

The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"

Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?" ...

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Three nuns are remodeling their church...

New window panes, interior paint, new pews, the works. When it comes time to paint, they decide they don't want to get any paint on their habits, so they take off their clothes. They're painting half-nude and suddenly they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, Sister Elizabeth asks, "Who is it?"
...

What did renowned Little Shop of Horrors fan, Queen Elizabeth, say to Patrick Stewart at his knighting ceremony?

Kneel, Patrick Stewart.

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So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II and she says

"Watch Francis! With a wave of my hand I can make every loyal subject go completly hysterical." So she waves her hand and every loyal subject goes completly apeshit.

Then Pope Francis tells her "Well Elizabeth with a wave of my hand, I can give every Irishman and Scotsman eternal joy." To whi...

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A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.

He is greeted fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them and then orders a drink of his own.

A few drinks in he overhears three of the older farmers talking.

"You see this! Mary damn near bit my neck off yesterday! I was howling like a dog for an hour!" one says...

What are Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Theresa May doing in a room together?

...playing bridge.

The Ultimate Dad Joke said by a Mom

There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth to be precise.

May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name, and stayed May Elizabeth.

This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds her...

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

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A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?'' The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'' St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your...

A recent widow, Elizabeth, gets dressed up in her mourning cloths and goes shopping for the week

She's known the butcher for years and says "Every year my husband insisted on a turkey for Easter. But now that he's dead, I can have whatever I want! I was thinking I'd do a nice roast or maybe a meatloaf. Is that traditional?"

The butcher just shakes his head. "No, black Betty. Ham or lamb...

There was a building with 4 apartments

In the first apartment was a boxer named Sean. In the second apartment was a soccer player named Andres. In the third was a blind man named Ian, and in the 4th apartment was a beautiful woman named Elizabeth. One day, Elizabeth decided to take a shower. She got in the shower then heard the doorbell ...

Why are fire trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people, and eight plus four is twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler, but queen Elizabeth is also a ship, and ships sail the seas, and seas have fish, and fish have fins, and the Fins fought the Russians, Russi...

Shortly after creating them, God is introducing Adam and Eve to The Garden.

"These are the trees and bushes that bear fruit for you to eat. These are the bodies of water, for you to drink from. These are the animals, for you to name. And this is the forbidden fruit, which you must never eat."

"And what's that?" says Eve, pointing to something on her left.

"Oh ...

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Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs....

Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"

On the Bulgarian edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire...

The new contestant sits on the chair. He just grunts at the host's introduction questions, so they get straight to the game.

First question - Which city is the capital of Bulgaria:

* A. Sofia
* B. Moscow
* C. London
* D. Paris

Respondent: "I'd like to ask the audience."...

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Johny, a horny 16 year old is doting on his teacher, and he decides to ask her out.

"Excuse me, Mrs Elizabeth, I think I'm in love with you".

"Sorry Johny, but I'm too old for children", says Mrs. Elizabeth.

Johny- "Of course, that's why we'll use protection."

Why was Emmanuel Macron happy this week?

Because he found out Elizabeth II was now single...

Joe Biden formally announcing his run for president

Bernie Sanders: I am running

Andrew Yang: I am running

Kamala Harris: I am running

Elizabeth Warren: I am running

Joe Biden: Me too

Old Age Fun

Told to me by my 80 year old mother. Elizabeth and Gladys were stuck in an older folks home and bored to tears. So they decided to have a little fun and excitement. They go into the closet and strip naked. Then they run through the card room were two old fellas are playing cards. Tom saids to ...

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Career Day

I had just finished serving a wedding liturgy, when one of the groomsmen told the priest a joke I thought I'd share.

There's a Catholic grade school in Ireland, and Sister Mary Agnes teaches the first grade students. One day, she asks what they'd all like to be when they grow up. Little Eliza...

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I've put massive billboards up on the side of my house one says "Henry the VIII was a Fat protestant Bigamist"

and the other says "Elizabeth the 1st was an ugly ginger virgin".

Well the wife said she always wanted to live in a Mock tudor house .

Donald Trump is the most unifying voice in American politics.

When was the last time Barack Obama, Paul Ryan, Jon Stewart, Glenn Beck, Bernie Sanders, George Bush, Elizabeth Warren, Mitt Romney, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, John McCain, and Hillary Clinton all agreed on anything?

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Allison was bragging to her boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of her, boasting, her boss called her bluff, "OK, Allison, how about Reese Witherspoon?"

"No dramas boss, Reese and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Allison and her boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Reese Witherspoon's door, and Reese Witherspoo shouts,

"Allison! W...

The British Royals are having tea

Queen Elizabeth says "Philip, I think you should see a doctor. I fear you have a touch of dementia."

"ME? *You're* the one who thinks she's the bloody Queen of England!"

A serial killer breaks into a couple's house and finds them getting ready for bed.

He points a gun at the wife and says, "What's your name?"

"Elizabeth," says the woman.

"I could never kill you," says the serial killer, tears in his eyes. "My mother's name was Elizabeth."

He then points the gun at the husband.

"And what's your name?"

"Dan," says ...

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