A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant...

A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant. The waiter approaches him with the menu and the arrogant man exclaims: "You are giving ME a menu?! Please man, I know it all, just bring me a fork from the kitchen."


The waiter quickly goes into the kitchen and comes back with a fork, handing...

My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months

John: My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months

Susan: But John, this therapy group is for compulsive liars

John: Thank God because I'm drunk as hell.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.

St. Peter tur...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Susan the cow

Susan the cow was just in the meadow grazing, when she heard the sound of bells. Panicking she starts running towards the barn, where shes met by more ringing of bells. Looking around Susan sees Garet the bull and all his heifers. They all had fancy bells on that make delightful noises at ever movem...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Susan tells her boss that she was sexual harassed...

The boss asks what happened?

Susan says, "Bob walked up to me said 'your hair smells really good'"

The boss replies, "Well, I think that's more of a compliment than sexual harassment"

Susan yells "Bob's a midget!"

The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan’s casket on the wall...

... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.

She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) funeral the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Susan came to her mother and said:

- "Mother, little Johnny's dick is like a little peanut!"
- "Oh, how cute, it's small, is it?" asks the mother.
- "No, it's salty!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I said to this Blonde Girl, I bet you a blow job I can sing a song with your name in it, she said OK you are on, my name is Susan.

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Susan, Happy Birthday to You. You're the 14th Blonde I have sang to this week.

Susan and Jack both work at a small company that sells widgets.

Monday morning, their supervisor Bill, finds out there have been budget cuts and he has to let one of them go by Friday.

Bill thinks, “Jeez, this really sucks. Susan and Jack are both excellent employees, they were both hired at the same time so neither has seniority, they’re never late, nev...

Why did Susan bring two pairs of pants to her golf game?

In case she got a hole-in-one

Woman talking to her husband: My friend Susan said her boyfriend recites poems about love to her, I think that's so romantic, why can't you do something like that? Husband replies I can do that.

Roses are red your panties are moist, I'd take you to bed, but I don't have a hoist.

Why doesn't anyone trick or treat at Susan Rice's House?

Because she unmasks them all.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two ladies meet in heaven

Woman 1 turns to woman 2 and says, "Susan! You're here too? How'd you die?"
Susan: "Beverly! Yep, I'm dead. I froze to death."
Beverly: "That sounds horrible..."
Susan: "No, actually it's quite peaceful. Once you get past the cold, you just fall asleep and die. What about you? How'd you die...

When the US elects President Susan Goldfarb ...

The year is 2032 and the United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says,

'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man takes his wife Susan to Jamaica for their honeymoon.

While out partying and drinking at a nightclub, the husband feels the pressure building in his bladder and rushes to the bathroom. He begins to relieve himself when he notices a tall Jamaican man at the urinal next to him is looking straight as his dick. Too drunk to care, the husband continues to...

The first time I made love to Kate I thought of my late wife, Susan.

I thought, this’ll teach her to be late

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- “Susan?”

- “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!”

- “Very good. What about you, Johnny?”

- “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”

Wanna hear about the time I got kicked out of school?

Everyone knows that kindergarteners are very curious. So back in the day I was peeing at a urinal, and Timmy comes up to me and says, "Whoa, your wiener is huge!"
I thought nothing of it at the time. But when we got back to class, Timmy started telling everyone. Within the hour they wanted to see...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Susan at Bible Shool

Susan was a good little Christian girl, but one Saturday night, she stayed up way to late. So when Sunday rolled around and it came time for Sunday School, she finally forced herself to go. Upon her arrival she figured it wasn't all that important as it was the same lesson from 3 weeks ago. She doze...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to th...

Fred and Susan were having their usual loud...

...and endless argument about family reunions.

At last, Fred relented. "I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Group of middle school students visit the Vatican

The teacher guides them through the hallways and tells them about the paintings.

Teacher: "This famous painting made Michelangelo represents the God creating Adam. Can someone tell us what they see here?"

Susan decides to speak:

"Nice muscles", she says

Teacher is furiou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Reincarnation

Dave, who was completely wasted, returns home late at night and slips into bed next to his wife Susan, who was already tight asleep.
When he woke up, he saw a weird looking man standing next to his bed in a long white dress.

-"Who are you?", asked Dave.

-"I'm Saint Peter!"

-"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman.

He walks up to her and asks her what her name is.

She replies: "My name is Susan, but you can call me Carmen"
"Why is that?" the guy asks.

The woman: "Because I like CARs and I like MEN - Carmen."
"I understand." replies the guy.

"What is your name?", she asks.
"M...

History has forgotten the name of the man that invented the "Lazy Susan",

but it conveniently still remembers the name of his ex-wife.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.

Little Susan stands and says, "PANADOL"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache

Teacher: Good

Musa: PIRITON

Teacher: used for?

Musa: Helps in sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!!

Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA

Teacher (nearly ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 7 year old looks through his mom’s ID

Name: Susan Ho
Sex: F

The child laughs hysterically.
Mom: What’s so funny?

7 year old: Can’t believe you’re so bad at sex you failed it mom.

I friend of mine has two tickets to the Super Bowl.

They are box seats, and include travel and hotel accomodation. He didn't realise when he bought the tickets that it was the same date as his wedding - so now he can't go.

So if you're interested and want to go instead of him. It's at St James's Church in Bootle at 3pm. Her name is Susan. She ...

I'm the most hated person in the Senate

Ted Cruz: I'm the most hated person in the Senate.

Susan Collins: Hold my beer.

Brett Kavanaugh: Who said beer?

Twitter repost @Amanda_Kerri

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Her Him

Her: I'm Susan, but you can call me Sue. 

Him: I'm Dave, but everyone calls me Dick


Her: Really? How do you get Dick from Dave?

Him: You ask nicely.


I heard this today!

A woman is being tried in court.

Judge: What was the first thing your husband told you when you woke up on the morning of the murder ?

Woman: He asked "Where am I, Cathy?"

Judge: Why that made you livid?

Woman: My name is Susan.

Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo.

The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.

​

The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."

The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wouldn't it be weird to see your friends star in commercials?

Frank was watching TV one night and saw his good friend Bob starring in a Viagra commercial. Frank thought Bob and him were pretty close, so he was surprised he hadn't heard about this before.

He calls to his wife in the other room and says, "Hey Susan, did you know Bob is in a Viagra commerc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man suspects that his wife is cheating on him.

One day, he arrives home early from work, hoping to catch her in the act. He makes his way up to their 20th story apartment, and throws the door open with such force that the whole apartment shakes, and hears a gasp from his wife.

"Ah-ha!" He says, as he bolts into their bedroom, only to fin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] Farts and Thanksgiving

John and Susan have been married for many years. Every morning as John woke up, he would let loose the loudest, most foul smelling fart you could imagine. Every morning, Susan would tell John that he was going to blow his guts out of his ass. John would just laugh and continue his morning routine...

One Sunday morning...

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Women are like hurricanes.

They come into your life wet and wild and then leave wiTH THE FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SUSAN YOU BITCH

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a beaver god, named Buck...

Buck owned a store that sold houses to other beaver gods. Buck was very picky about who can and can't come into the store, so he stood by the door every day to make sure that only beaver gods came in.

One day, dog god named Susan walked into the store with her pet donkey, Harry. Susan always ...

First Date

*On a first date*

Inner me: okay don’t let them know you stalked them online

Them: my aunt-

Me: Martha or Susan?

A first grade teacher was giving a cookie to each student who spelt a word right

"Well little John" she said. "Can you spell Pig?"

"P-I-G" John said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then went to the next student.

"Hi little Susan" she said. "Can you spell Cow?"

"C-O-W" Susan said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John owned the local florist shop.

The shop had been in his family for five generations -- and he loved his work. He was a part of people’s lives, from their first prom, to valentines gifts, birthdays, weddings, and even funerals -- he loved his work, and the town loved him. Life for him, his wife Susan, his mom Louis, and their thre...

Wife comes home late at night.

Susan had been away on business all week, but was able to come home a day early due to catching a red-eye flight. When she gets in, she tiptoes up to the bedroom, being as quiet as possible to not wake her husband.

Then, she notices something odd. Where there should only be one set of legs, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Timmy comes home early...

...and walks inside to see his mom on top of his dad and both are naked. Timmy just stares, confused what is happening or going on.

Mom: "Timmy, what's wrong? Go to your room, I'll be up in a bit"

So Timmy goes upstairs to his room. Later his mom comes up and sits down next to him. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All my life I was in love with one woman...

Her name was Susan. She had the most beautiful eyes, and the most gorgeous, flowing brown hair. We were friends and I had a crush on her all through high school. Then I got drafted to the service and lost contact with her. A few years later I had left the service and we eventually got back in contac...

Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

Susan answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “H...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Motorcycle and a jar of Vaseline

Don buys a new motorcycle and before he leaves the seller gives him a jar of Vaseline and tells him to coat the bike with it before it rains to prevent rusting.

Don takes off and and picks up his girlfriend, Susan, and they head to her parents house for dinner. Before they go inside the hous...

A very experienced man...

A man visits a house of ill-repute. He tells the woman, "I've seen everything and done it all. I need an experience I've never had before."
The madam summons a rather plain looking young woman and says, "This is Susan. She's for you."
The man seems unimpressed but resigns himself to the choice...

Jake was on his deathbed

His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must co...

Prom

Prom was approaching at Central High School, and Doug needed a date. He got the nerve up to ask a popular and pretty girl, Susan, to prom. To his surprise, she said "yes." He was so excited, he went to a tuxedo shop that day to secure his rental. There was a very long line, as many other boys were r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lady Golfer NSFW

Jerry asks the clubhouse barman if there is anyone available to join him for a round of golf. The barman says "Only that lady over there, Susan" Jerry is a little reluctant to play with a woman but the barman assures him that she's quite good in fact she plays off the same 9 handicap as him. They pl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I get Tired.. I read this and laugh like hell. Must see if you are exhausted

I always look for a way to chill out after working for hours in front of my computer..and I never get bored reading the same lines I'm sharing here I smile each and every time..read,refresh and back to work!

Enjoy...



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you ...

$200

Little Johnny was in his maths class one day when the teacher said to him "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally, $50 to Susan and $50 to Amy, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

Seeing the light

An 86-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his test results come back normal. The doctor says, ”Joseph everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally"?

"Are you at peace with God?”Joseph replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so ...

Insurance...

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascerta...

A small business owner in financial trouble was told by his accountant that he needed to cut staff

The accountant said, "Jack and Susan have the highest salaries, so one of them will have to be laid off."

The owner replied, "Susan is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'll have to think this over, and maybe discuss it with both of them."


The next morning, the o...

An old woman is bored in the retirement home

so she decides to whiz with her wheelchair in the hallway. Just as she reaches high speed, the blind Susan stops her and asks for her driver license. The woman hands out a candy paper. "Thank you, you can pass".

The old woman continues and gets stopped by the dement Agathe. "Please show me y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Professor was teaching a Health Class...

When he posed a question to his students.

"I hope you have all done your reading from last night, so tell me, what part of the human anatomy can expand to four times its smallest size?" Seeing a girl not paying attention in the middle row of his class, he called on her: "Susan, you look as if...

What part of the body goes to heaven first?

In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"

In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child.

"Yes, Susan?"

"The heart goes to heaven first beca...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tom Jones' Disease

A Man goes to the Doctor and lays out his problems. He says whenever he sees a cat he yells "What's New, Pussycat?"
If he sees a woman while on the street, he exclaims "She's A Lady!" which is really driving his wife crazy.
And speaking of his wife he keeps calling her Delilah, when her name...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny lost his eye in a tragic accident

But being from a very poor family, he was unable to get a glass replacement. Instead, he was fitted with a wooden eye, which ruined what there was of his high school social life. No one would talk to him, and he had no friends. Finally senior year rolled around, and he found himself alone in the ...

Someone explain the joke

The linguist's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny is playing ball

the balls gets stuck in the tree, Johnny seeks the help of his pregnant neighbor. while the neighbor is climbing up the ladder to fetch the ball, Johnny says Miss Susan, I know you are carrying a boy. "How do you know ?" asks miss Susan. I can see his mustache, says Little Johnny

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

He Tries To Give A Little Girl Some Advice. But Didn’t Expect This Reply.

One afternoon, firefighter Rick was working on the engine outside the Fire Station, when he noticed a little Susan nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The Susan was wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon was...

Wrote this while waiting for a burrito in 2009

What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony?

One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it.

"Now little ones, where do children go when they do bad things...?", Mrs Mary asked.

"I know! I know!", Little Johnny said with vigour, " they go behind the bushes in the playground!"

"Please little Johnny, mind what you say"

"Oh its true Mrs Mary!", voiced Susan enthusiastically, "T.J took me there and showed me his Weiner."

The teacher gasped in horror as T.J ...

A good name for a transvestite.

Susan B. Anthony

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I waited to be taken down to start my prison term, I was allowed a final minute with my wife.

I said "Listen Susan, prison is a horrible place that changes people for the worse, and when I come out I doubt I'll be the same man you know and love. For that reason, I don't expect you to wait for me, so get on with your life and try and meet someone else who can hopefully be a father to our chil...

A cheerio named Tom

Alright this is a story about a cheerio named Tom. Tom was a good guy just your average run of the mill cheerio. He awoke one morning feeling pretty good about himself, he was gonna have a good day. He drank some milk and headed off to work. About half way to work he noticed a girl standing at the b...

Dearest John

John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into ...

Tom takes his girl to a party.

Tom took Susan's hand and headed in. They danced the night away with cereals of all kinds and pumped with the music. Not even Cinnamon Toast Crunch could see how great this party was. Eventually Susan got tired and sat down with Tom, thirsty.

"Hey Tom, can you get me a drink babe?"

"Ye...