Son: "Dad why was my sister named Madonna?"

Father: "Because your mother always thought the world needed another Madonna"
Son: "Thanks, dad."
Father: "No problem, Holocaust."

Arnold Schwarzenegger's is long and hard. The president's is a 5. Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope has one, but he doesn't use it.

A last name.

Why can't Madonna walk through walls?

Because we're living in a material world and she's a material girl.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

3-Italian Nuns Go To Heaven

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six-months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And 'poof' she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be...

Radio One has banned its DJs from playing Madonna songs, saying that at 56 she is old and irrelevant.

Yeah, at the BBC they only like them young.

Madonna is tryin to get Spice Girls back together.

Only condition is she gets to join them. They gonna call her Old Spice.

Madonna is talking with the Spice Girls

Says she wants to sponsor a reunion tour so long as she can join them. The girls agree to condition. They call her Old Spice.

I hate all 1970s Female Solo Artists

What a bunch of Pre-Madonnas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven

At the gate, St Peter said they could come in - but as a reward for having led absolutely blameless lives, he would allow them all to return to Earth in the body of anyone, living or dead, at any time of their lives, for 6 months.

The first thought a bit, and said she would like to be Soph...

Madonna is flying from New York to London . . .

. . . and happens to be seated next to Oprah on the plane. They exchange pleasantries and settle in. Half way over the Atlantic ocean, the pilot comes on the PA and says, "We just lost 3 engines. Prepare to go down in the ocean.

Madonna grabs her carry-on and begins putting on diamond earring...

During quarantine - Lonely at home

I am lonely at home quarantined:

Day 1. Oh, that's nice.

Day 3. I read books and rest.

Day 5. I bingwatched "Friends".

Day 7. I talked to the washing machine, but I had worse days.

Day 9. My washing machine is angry. I never had worse days.

Day 11. I'm fine…...

3 nuns are at the pearly gates...

St Peter greets them saying "Sisters of the faith! I have some bad news. Due to the current state of the world, there is a lineup to get into heaven. But since you devoted your lives to the Lord, I have a special surprise for you! You all get to go back to Earth until we can get you in past the gate...

What were you thinking?

Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The POPE has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very pr...

A thief breaks into the home of celebrities to steal their most prized possessions

After he's done, he always leaves a note letting them know exactly what he's stolen. One night, he breaks into Madonna's house. She finds a note the next day that says "Thanks for the Persian lamb's wool coat! This will be perfect for my wife."

The next day, he breaks into Simon Cowell's home...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/14)

Folks, folks. What a day! There are some good jokes out there to be had. Let's take a gander, shall we?

There's already some news out of the presidential election front...

Some are reporting Gov. Christie is losing weight just so he can make a run in 2016. Not to be outdone, Sen. Rubio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

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