Alice was leaving school when a boy from her class bet her $5 that she couldn’t climb up the school’s flagpole

She did, slid down, collected her $5 and went home.
When she walked into the kitchen to tell her mom, her mom said “Oh, sweetie. He just wanted to look up your skirt and see your panties.”

The following day, the same boy bet her $10 that she couldn’t do it faster than she did the da...

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

Alice had fallen asleep in class when the teacher had called on her to answer a question

The teacher had asked the class "who created the world" she called on Alice who happened to be asleep. John who sat behind her poked her with a pencil to wake her up, she said loudly "Jesus Christ". "Very good" said the teacher

Class continued and the teacher asked another question "who made ...

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Jack and Alice

A worker has 2 employees, Jack and Alice. He doesn't need one of them to work for him.
They are both equally as good and he's doesn't know what to do.
One day he is sitting in the cafeteria, Alice approaches him.
"What's wrong boss" says Alice
"I either have to lay you or jack off" re...

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A Jew goes into a brothel

— Hello, I’d like to hire the services of a woman called Alice

— What a coincidence, that’s my name. What do you want done?

— I… I want to be pegged

— Oh, how kinky. Why are you looking for this, my sweet mohel?

— Because I’ve always wanted someone named Alice to find out...

One day, Johnny comes home from school and asks his mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

"The stork brought you here," says the mother.

"And how were my brother Joel and my sister Emily born?"

"The stork brought them, too."

"And how were you born?"

"The stork also brought me."

"Did the stork also bring Uncle George and Aunt Ruth and Cousin Evan and Cou...

I would tell you a joke about Alice in Wonderland...

...but let’s not go down that rabbit hole.

Alice took several wrong turns when driving to a new restaurant.

When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"

"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving."

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me “Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland?” and it’s getting really annoying

My Friend asked me “Are you mad at her?”

I replied “Don’t you start too”

Eleven girls and pregnant again

German lady had eleven children, all daughters, and all had names beginning with B - Barbara, Bertha, Bettina, Babette ... you get the idea.

Came the time to deliver her twelfth, and a couple of days after delivering another daughter, the nurse brings in a form to register the new child.
<...

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Alice: I’m late.

**White Rabbit:** Haha— that’s my line

**Alice:**

**White Rabbit:**

**Alice:** *[stares]*

**White Rabbit:** oh shit oh...

I have a limbless friend Alice...

Knock knock

Who's there?

Bet it's not Alice...

How did Alice feel when her doctor told her she is genetically more likely to develop a yeast infection?

Thrush-traited

I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, De...

What did Alice take to get to Wonderland?

Alice D

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

...

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There once was a woman called Alice

Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus,

They found her vagina, in North Carolina,

And her butthole in Buckingham palace...

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Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you...

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland.

She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems

This is more of a sight gag that works really well in front of easily embarrassed or nonplussed mixed company. Hopefully I've told it well enough for it to be useful for others to use if they so desire.

Two childhood male friends recognized each other at their 40th high school reunion. While they were reminiscing one asked the other..
"Hey, have you seen Alice Fortney yet?

"No, what's up with her?"

Holding his cupped hands chest high, about a foot in front of him he tells his frien...

Me: I got bitten in the park by a huge dog

Her: My God - imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

where did alice go during the explosion?

everywhere

Armless Alice

Q. Why did Alice fall off the swing?
A. Because she has no arms.
Q. Knock knock?
*who's there?*
A. Not Alice...

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

What did Alice Young say to Michael Young when they got married?

You keep me Young

Freddy the fungus and Alice the algae met one another and...

they took a lichen to each other

Three nuns die and go to heaven

When they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter says to them that heaven is too full at the moment and needs expanding. While they wait to get in, for all their good work St. Peter let’s them spend one day on earth as a person of their own choice.

The first nun picks mother Theresa because of th...

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well.... You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago. ...

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

You know what's great about Alice In Chains?

She can't get away.

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A teacher asked her students

To tell a story and the moral for that story. Alice told a story.

'A man bought a basketful of eggs from the market. He imagine becoming rich by hatching the eggs and having the chicken lay more eggs, and so on. He then tripped and dropped his basket of eggs. The moral of this story, don' t p...

Three Nuns

One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling".
One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. H...

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

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Emotional party

Haven’t seen this one posted before; apologies if I missed it. I heard this at least 30 years ago.
——
Sarah throws a fancy dress party with the theme “emotions”.

Her friend Alice turns up in bright colours and glitter. “I’m happy!” she announces, and Sarah lets her in.

Meg turns...

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I told my doctor I was having issues during sex. He said Cialis.

Could someone tell me where I find Alice?

Math Time

On Monday the teacher decided to begin the day reviewing basic math with their kindergartners. Hoping that it would be an easy lesson they lined the students up randomly and asked them easy problems.

"Jacob, what is 1+1?"

After a minute Jacob replied "2." The teach rewarded them with a...

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A man tells his wife that one of the neighbors fucked all the women in the neighborhood except for one...

The wife replies:
“Must be that bitch Alice down the street”

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I've written a book about a young girl

who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

Church bake sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying ...

True story

My fathers name is Edward, Ed for short, and my mother’s name is Alice. The joke was “if you have a problem with Ed, see Alice.”

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One day a woman returns home from work.

She enters her room and sees her husband lying on the bed, sweaty and naked. It also sounds like he has trouble breathing.

"George! Are you okay?"

"Honey... I... think... I'm... having... a... heart... attack..."

The woman panics and rushes to call 911. Halfway through the talk ...

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Sex.....

Daddy is digging in the flower bed when little seven-yr-old Alice comes running out of the house, shouting, "Daddy, what's sex?"

He slowly drops his spade, straightens up and draws a deep breath. "Well, darling, it's like this... " he says, and starts rather reluctantly, giving a long and car...

A man walked into a bar. The bartender asked him "so, why the long face?"

The man said, "Well, my grandpa died. We had the funeral yesterday".

"Oh, I'm so sorry", said the bartender. "Here, have this one on the house".



"Well thanks, but that's not all," said the man. "You see, today morning, his will was read. I used to think that I was his favorite,...

Joke about a man's ex wife...

A man was browsing Facebook when he saw a post saying that his ex-wife had passed due to an illness.

Immediately, he called her phone number. An unrecognizable male voice answered, "Hello?", and the man said, "Can I speak with Alice?".

The voice, sounded sad, and said, "I'm sorry but s...

A husband came home to his wife in tears.

“I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed. “Your mother insulted me.”

“My mother!” he exclaimed. “But she lives in a different city.”

“I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.”

He looked stern, “I see, but where does the insult come in?”

“In the postscript,”...

What is R. Kelly’s favorite band?

Alice In Chains.

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In a catholic girsl school the teaching Nun asks the girls about their plans for the future...

Nun:"Susan, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susan:"I want to be a teacher, just like you!"
N: "Good, and what do you want to be Alice?"

Alice:"I want to be a doctor!"

N:"Very good! And you Lucy, what do you want to do?"
Lucy:"I want to become a Prostitute!"...

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture...

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?

Aurora boring Alice.

A preacher recently died...

His name was Mike Thompson. He left behind his wife of 40 years Alice.

Meanwhile, another Mike Thompson from Seattle was away on business. His wife Allison was awaiting an email from him regarding when he was coming home because they had a wedding to go to that Friday and it was going to be ...

The gift.

Knowing that the minister had a very sore throat, an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.

"This is quite soothing,” the woman said, "but please don’t tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."

"I understand," replied the good man.

...

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A boy is buying his first motorcycle

His mother is mortified that after saving up all through highschool he's going to risk his life and
buy a motorcycle in college. She asks him why he wants to ride and he replies "Because it's cool,
I'm an adult now, I want to feel free for once in my life"

His mum took that to heart. S...

Golf "is" a drag

Bob and his three golf buddies were out, playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong?

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, then...

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His wife was packing her things ...

Joe comes home from work to find his wife Alice packing her bags.
"Where are you going?" Joe asked.
"I'm going to New York! I just heard that I can get $400 a night for doing what I do for with you for free." Alice replied
Joe then walks over to the closet and pulls out a bag and starts pa...

A guy is lost in the mall and start shouting for his wife.

Alice! Alice!, suddenly he hears another voice shouting the same name Alice!! Alice!, he turns and looks at him and shouts HEY! is your wife named Alice too? No but I guess since shes banging a guy like you I got a shot. Alice!

My favorite surprise joke.

From experience, this works best if you tell it when you return from a trip without flagging that it's a joke + adjust it to fit the trip:

Everything went fine until we got to the airport late in Barcelona. We ended up in the security line behind this Alice Cooper type, with piercings stickin...

A Poem

I dug.

Alice dug.

Vincent dug.

Dad dug.

My sister dug.



I know its not a good poem, but it rhymes and its really deep.

(A friend just texted me this. I thought it was funny.)

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