Laura Jokes

A girl answered "Light",
"Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?"
"Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue... read more

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman'... read more

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

Womb Raider

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ... read more

The good doctor is between clients, and Laura, the administrative assistant, walks into his office. Dr. Katz is lying on his patients' couch and this surprises her.

"I've just never seen you on the couch before," she says.

"Well," Dr. Katz says, "I was just in a reflective mood, and ... read more

After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.



“Just think,” he said, “whe... read more

"I want these cookies!", screams the child. "Laura, we're almost at the cashier, we'll soon be home", says the mother patiently.

"I want ice cream!", cries the child a few seconds later on their way to check out. "Laura, it won't be long anymore, we're almost there", says the mother, with no ... read more

So a man, Bill takes a young lady, Kelly, on a date. He decides to take her to the carnival. Upon asking what she wants to do, Kelly says, "I want to get weighed."

A bit confused, the man takes her to the weighing station, where the man gets her weight right on the third guess.

Havin... read more

Colin was bragging to his friend, Laura, one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, Laura called his bluff, “OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Co... read more

Once upon a time, JFK had this Rubik's cube that he was extremely fond of. He was also rumored to be having a rather stormy relationship with a woman named Laura (I'll call her Ms. L). JFK went for a walk with his dog ever day between 10 and 11. One day, when he wasn't home, Khrushchev came in, nail... read more

And when they are at the gates, Saint Peter says:

"I know you have sinned, I see it in your eyes. Before you walk through these gates you must atone for your sins. Sister Isabella, your eyes once coveted the flesh of a man. You must wash your eyes with Holy Water and you'll be free of sin an... read more

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.


-Laura Kightlinger

A man and a woman are having a date.

The woman remarks, “You know, you look totally like my third husband!”

The man is startled and asks, “Really, Laura, how many times have you been married?!”

“Twice.”