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Parker Jokes

If Peter Parker were to retire from crime fighting…

He could always go into web design.

Why does Peter Parker only have eleven months on his calendar?

Because he lost May.

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

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What's the difference between a parallel parker and my dad?

A parallel parker knows how to pull out.

I'm surprised Peter Parker chose photography as a side-hustle...

He seemed like a natural fit for web-development.

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar

The bartender says “why the long face?”

In an upcoming movie, Peter Parker brings the founder of Theranos to justice

They are calling it: "Spiderman: No way, Holmes"

Peter Parker and Tony Stark walk into a bar.

Bartender: what can I get for you today?

Tony: I’ll have a margarita, and the kid’s gonna get a Capri-Sun.

Peter: Mr. Stark I’m 21.

Tony:

Peter: I can order my own Capri-Sun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American writer Dorothy Parker was once asked "Why don't you go to church on sunday?"

She replied: "I'm too fucking busy and vice versa."

Why was Peter parker promoted in his IT job?

Because ever since the spider bit him he became the best at web designing

It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive..

Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

Trey Parker goes back in time to his 7 year old self at Casa Bonita...

Look, in the future you are going to have a very successful TV show for over 20 years, over 4 movies, Broadway accolades and a billion dollars. Also, you own Casa Bonita now.
And his 7 year old self says with excitement "I'm gonna own Casa Bonita?!"

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood?

He uses his spider census.

What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can’t hear an enzyme. (Credit to Dorothy Parker.)

"There are three crows sitting on a branch,

you shoot one, how many are left?" The teacher asks little Jack.
"None Mrs. Parker, because the others would've flown away after hearing the gunshot."
"The correct answer is two little Jack, but I like the way you think."
"Well Mrs. parker, I have a question for you too. There are thr...

How tall is Sarah Jessica Parker?

15.3 hands.

Why did Peter Parker get fired?

He spent all day on the web.

Which of Peter Parker's guardians would keep his secret?

His uncle wouldn't, but his aunt may.

What's the difference between Peter Parker and Basic White Girls?

Parker gets paid for his selfies.

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

The Nasa Parker Solar probe will be 4 million miles away from the sun

Due to the high temperatures it will have to operate at night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sarah Jessica Parker on the cancelation of the new Sex and the City movie

"Will there be a Sex and the City 3?"

"Nay." -Sarah Jessica Parker

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I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.

Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

Everyone talks about Peter Parker because he was lucky enough to get bitten by the cool kind of radioactive spider...

My buddy Dave got bit by a radioactive brown recluse, and he just turned into a shut in.

How many superheroes can you fit in one car?

Five

Two in the front

Two in the back

And Peter Parker in the ash tray

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Peter Parker was at home alone one day, when suddenly aunt may walks in on him masturbating.

I guess she was the first person to see Spiderman home coming.

Why does Tom Holland never drive?

Because Andrew and Tobey are more experienced parallel Parkers

Sarah Jessica Parker was asked if she supported the company that manufactures the Epi-pen.

She replied: "Nay"

The Queen comes home from a fancy dinner slightly earlier than normal.

She walks in to Buckingham Palace and goes to find her Butler, Parker. She finds him and says "Parker, take off my jacket." And Parker takes off her jacket for her. "Parker, take off my petticoat." And Parker takes off her petticoat. "Parker, take off my dress." And Parker looks surprised but takes ...

Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He's an excellent parallel Parker.

I named my wife's wild mouth after spider man

Peter Parker

Which superhero has the ability to stop a moving car?

Peter *Parker*

Marvel is working on a Spiderman reboot for Greek audiences

Featuring the adventures of Pita Parker

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars?

Pita Parkour Parker with Parkinson’s parallel parking a Pontiac pulling a pick up truck.

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars, while making rice?

Uncle Ben

What does Spider-Man and your mouth have in common?

They're both Peter Parkers.

What would you call Spiderman if he was Dinosaur man instead?

Jurassic Parker

Use the word 'horticulture' in a sentence

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

- Dorothy Parker

Horse walks into a bar...

Horse walks into a bar, the barman says “why the long face”.

The horse looks disappointed, and says “that’s a shame that I come into this bar expecting to relax but instead get treated with disrespect and stereotyped for my looks in the assumption that I don’t have feelings”.

The barma...

I went to the county fair today,

I met a group of Morris dancers and asked them "so what made you get into Morris dancing?"
They replied "Mr Parker"

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Blonde girl painting her lounge.

Her friend walks in and can't believe how well she is doing, but she is sweating buckets, Friend says to her why are you wearing a leather jacket and a Parker!?

Blonde says "helloooooooo" read the fucking tin, it says, for best results put two coats on.

Did you know Spider Man can drive without using his hands?

That’s why his name is Peter Parker.

Tony Stark wasn't crying

There was just some Peter Parker in his eye.

What's the difference between spider man and superman?

peter parker can shoot webs. clark kent.

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A man, a zoo and a horny gorilla

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating. The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $50...

A reporter is doing a story on prenatal conditioning.

A reporter is doing a story on prenatal conditioning. He gets contact from a group of brothers who vouch for the phenomenon as having had an effect on them.

"I'm a jazz saxophonist." The first brother says. "My mother played Charlie Parker for me while I was in the womb, and she could feel me...

Tony Stark gives TED talks for a post-Iron Man living

He has done it many times before, and his 'If you're nothing without it then you shouldn't have it' motto is widely followed by the entire world.

"But I'm nothing without GTA V!" "If you're nothing without GTA V then you shouldn't have it." for example.

One day, the entire world is in ...

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Anna Freud, asks Sigmund Freud

Anna Freud, before she became a great analyst, is in Vienna, at home with her father. The two of them are discussing psychoanalysis, when Anna turns to Freud and says "There is one thing I have always been meaning to ask that I am not sure about: What is the phallus?" Freud says "Well, this is somet...

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It's a slow day of crime in Metropolis...

...and Superman is bored to tears. So he decides to fly over to Gotham City to see what Batman is up to. He gets to the Batcave to find the Dark Knight underneath the Batmobile.
"Hey, Bruce," he says. "Whatcha up to today? Wanna get a couple beers, maybe watch the game?"
"Sorry man, I can't," ...

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