two astronauts are in the ISS cafeteria

astronaut 1: i can’t find the milk for my coffee

astronaut 2: in space, no one can. here, use cream

Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, "Ya dig?"

I thought to myself, this guy's pretty far out. I answered, "Yeh, man. I dig!"

​

That's how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition.

What does a school cafeteria and the KSI vs Logan Paul fight have in common?

Their beef is fake

The chemistry department cafeteria has good food, but finding a place to sit can be a challenge.

They only have periodic tables.

I work as a CNA and today at work a resident in the cafeteria in a nursing home I work for asked for 1 extra cracker for his soup...

...to this, the other resident that was sitting next to him replied to me: "Oh I thought you were just going to pick me up and hand me to him."

**Yes r/jokes leaked into real life today at my workplace.**

What’s the Islamic equivalent of cafeteria Christianity?

Allah-cart.

What did the caveman order at the cafeteria?

A Club Sandwich

An old man is walking through a crowded cafeteria...

Blocking the exit is a man with 14 children.

The old man scowls and makes his way through the children, but his metal cane hits some of the childrens' legs as well as the man's legs.

The man angrily says "Hey, could you put some rubber on that tip of yours! You're bangin' us up!"
<...

I was nervous my first day in, so I walked up to the toughest guy in the cafeteria and knocked him out...

but I lost my job as a middle school teacher

What is The ISIS Cafeteria called?

Allahu Snakbar.

A Buddhist monk walks into a cafeteria

"Good morning Sir what would you like in your sandwich?"

"Make me one with everything"

In a Catholic school cafeteria...

a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching."

Further down the line is a pile of cookies.

A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

At my school, the cafeteria has "World Cuisine" day once a week, in which one foreign nation's traditional cuisine is on the menu. Last week, the country was Ethiopia...

...they served us nothing.

Why did the meatball chef get fired from the middle school cafeteria?

They caught him stroganoff.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The newspaper

So, I and my friend were in the cafeteria at lunch time, when...

Me: hey - pass me over that paper, will you, please?

My friend: What? Paper? Bah, you country duffer - here, use my iPhone 4S. It's the latest meanest and baddest piece of technology in your hands, and it's got 3G man - b...

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.

There was a sign whic...

God is Watching.....

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large tray of pizza slices.


The nun posted a sign on the pizza tray, "Take only one. God is watching."


Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the tabl...

Giving blood

While eating at a hospital cafeteria a guy noticed a women with a cotton ball and bandage on her arm causing him to asked, did you just give blood? Why yes she said, and I got twenty five dollars for it too. You should try it. No thanks he said, I just came from the sperm bank and got three hundred ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets on the bus to go home from college

A man gets on the bus to go home from college and as the journey begins his stomach starts to grumble. They get out into the country and he gets the urge. He runs up to the driver and tells him how sorry he is but he must've had some bad cafeteria food and he needs to poop immediately. The bus drive...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Smart diagnosis machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample ...

A seventh grader asked his English teacher a question in class

"Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H .......in Hour, Honour. .....etc. She replied, "We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent."

During lunch break that day, the teacher gave the student her packed lunch and asked him to heat it in the Cafeteria. He ate a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman named Andrea gets sent to prison for marijuana possession.

The facility is overcrowded, and it’s four people to a cell. It’s late at night when she arrives, and not a single one of her cellmates so much as stops snoring even after Andrea is shoved in and the door clangs shut. Tired and defeated, she picks up a strangely familiar smell just before she falls ...

Nun joke we used to tell back when I was in catholic school

Back in the Mexican revolution a bunch of armed men enter a convent and start rounding up all of the nuns in the cafeteria. The leader of the bandits starts yelling:

"We are part of the Pancho Villa army and it is our right to take what we want! We want all of your food and supplies!"

...

Prison Joker

Young guy gets sentenced to 15 years in prison and is assigned to a cell with a lifer. The old man explains the rules, including the no-talking policy in the cafeteria.
At dinner that night, one of the inmates stands up and yells out, "28!" All the other inmates laugh loudly and then resume eatin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The doctor joke (Long)

Two doctors are eating lunch in the cafeteria of the hospital they work at and one turns to the other and says “ my elbow hurts”.
The other doctor says “you should go to Wal-Mart”.
The first doctors says “...what!?”.
The second says “they have this new machine in the pharmacy, give $10 and ...

Donald Trump's Clock

It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around.

St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks.

"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"

"Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Anal sex is a lot like broccoli.

If you don't like it at home, you're really gonna hate it in the school cafeteria.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to prison...

He's pretty nervous, having never been behind bars before.

He turns to his cellmate and says, "I've never been to prison before, I'm not sure I'm going to make it!"

The cellmate, eager to comfort the new inmate, "Aw, prison ain't so bad! I think you'll grow to enjoy it after awhile."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Would you like your meal to go?" "Shut the fuck up"

I love working in the prison cafeteria.

When I was a kid I used to find sweet notes in my lunch at school

But that stopped after they fired the cafeteria worker

A man moved into a retirement home...

An elderly man decided it was time to move on. He packed his stuff and moved into a retirement home.

On his first day there, as he was unpacking his stuff into his room, he could help but notice that the woman in the room across the hall was staring at him. He thought it was odd but decided ...

A guy ends up in prison.

At the cafeteria, he's eating lunch when somebody across the room stands up and shouts, "31!" The room instantly bursts into laughter. The guy is puzzled. A few minutes later, somebody else stands up and shouts, "76!" Again, a great response. People hoot and holler until the guards tell them to calm...

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals

to increase their diversity...
... "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would no...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's a convicts first day in prison

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian fo...

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette..

are having their usual lunch of PB&J sandwiches in their high school cafeteria one day, when the blonde speaks up "I can't stand it, every day for the last year our mothers only make PB&J and I'm sick of it!"
The other two girls agree they are tired of the same lunch, so the blonde comes ...

Reasons to allow drinking at work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what managem...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian professor...

...is starting his term at an American university. He is assigned to teach an introductory calculus sequence for freshman.

"What topics should I cover?", he asks a few colleagues.

"Oh, simple stuff" they say; "start off with some facts about the real numbers, move into limits and dif...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A captain is sent to a new company....

A sergeant shows him around. He points to the firing range and says, " This is where the men practice their shooting. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". The captain nods, then the sergeant points to the cafeteria and says, " This is where the men eat. It's also a great way to get rid of s...

While were at it, this is the joke I made up when I was 9

A football team is eating in the cafeteria and they're all waiting in line. Sean plays safety on the football team, and all of the sudden, he starts to cut the line!

Everybody is upset: "Why do you get to go ahead?" They asked.

Sean replied: "Safety First!"



Corny I kno...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man was sent to prison,

Upon his arrival an older man welcomed him to make sure he was comfortable.
The older man asked "Do you like baseball?" the young man replied "of course, I loved playing it as a kid" the older man said "we'll that's great we play baseball all day Monday".
The older man asked "Do you like mo...