What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the cafeteria?

Trey

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch...

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray:"Take only one. God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: Take all you want. God is ...

I was really close to eating in the cafeteria at the Olympics.

Too bad I fell right at the Finnish line.

two astronauts are in the ISS cafeteria

astronaut 1: i can’t find the milk for my coffee

astronaut 2: in space, no one can. here, use cream

They're serving mystery meat at the cafeteria in the physics lab again.

I've been asking what the main ingredient they put in their heisenburgers was, and nobody knows.

I got a new job working in a cafeteria. I asked the guy I was serving if he wanted to eat in or takeaway and he told me to f*ck off!

I love working in the prison canteen!

A French, Italian and American man meet in a cafeteria of a hotel in the morning

French man:

\- Last night was great. I made love to my wife 3 times, and when she woke up this morning, she told me I was the most wonderful husband

Italian man:

\- My last night was awesome. I made love to my wife 5 times, and this morning, she told me I was the greatest lover...

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I went to the hospital to visit my friend who had an accident.

While waiting in the waiting room, I felt hungry so bought some juice and 2 burgers from the cafeteria.

I was about to eat, when I saw a kid sitting on the chair beside me looking at me. I asked him if he was hungry. He nodded. So I gave him one of my burgers.

After a few minutes, his ...

I recently visited my grandfather in his old folks home..

We sat down at a table in the cafeteria and started to chat. He said things were going okay but sounded a little frustrated.

Just then he starts to lean over, almost off his chair, when a nurse rushes over and straightens him back up. My grandfather mumbled something under his breath.
...

Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, "Ya dig?"

I thought to myself, this guy's pretty far out. I answered, "Yeh, man. I dig!"



That's how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition.

Two parents are arguing about whose child is the most stupid.

"Mine is very stupid", says the first one. "And to show you what I mean: Hey son, take this dollar and go buy my a piano! You saw him! He's going!"

"Nah... mine is even more stupid" replies the second one. "Hey son, go to the cafeteria to check if I'm there. Check him out!! He left."

L...

The chemistry department cafeteria has good food, but finding a place to sit can be a challenge.

They only have periodic tables.

An Indian man dies and goes to hell ...

An Indian man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that each country has a separate hell and one may opt to sign up for any of them.

He goes first to the German hell and asks, 'What do they do here?' He is told, 'First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a be...

An old man is walking through a crowded cafeteria...

Blocking the exit is a man with 14 children.

The old man scowls and makes his way through the children, but his metal cane hits some of the childrens' legs as well as the man's legs.

The man angrily says "Hey, could you put some rubber on that tip of yours! You're bangin' us up!"
<...

I was nervous my first day in, so I walked up to the toughest guy in the cafeteria and knocked him out...

but I lost my job as a middle school teacher

A Buddhist monk walks into a cafeteria

"Good morning Sir what would you like in your sandwich?"

"Make me one with everything"

Why is Cafeteria called a Cafeteria?

Because it's coffee-tea-area

What’s the Islamic equivalent of cafeteria Christianity?

Allah-cart.

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.



“Yes, we have this tradition here, where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.

There was a s...

At my school, the cafeteria has "World Cuisine" day once a week, in which one foreign nation's traditional cuisine is on the menu. Last week, the country was Ethiopia...

...they served us nothing.

Why did the meatball chef get fired from the middle school cafeteria?

They caught him stroganoff.

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A bus full of blind people was traveling on the road.

After driving for a long time, the bus driver gets tired and needs to rest. He parks the bus near a cafeteria.

"I'm going to eat lunch and take a rest," the driver says to the blind passengers. "I'll come back in an hour."

"No problem," says one of the blind men. "We'll play soccer whi...

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A woman hasn't had sex with her husband in years, so he takes her to the doctor

The doctor takes her into the exam room, but he determines that she's healthy and that there is nothing physically wrong with her. So he asks her what could be preventing her from having sex with her husband. She replies:

"Well, every morning, my husband gives me money for work, but it only c...

I work as a CNA and today at work a resident in the cafeteria in a nursing home I work for asked for 1 extra cracker for his soup...

...to this, the other resident that was sitting next to him replied to me: "Oh I thought you were just going to pick me up and hand me to him."

**Yes r/jokes leaked into real life today at my workplace.**

George is at his first middle school party but really nervous cause he's mostly an introvert

He tries to fit in but we can see he is visibly sweating, his more social friend, Finn walks up to him and George finally sighs of relief.

Finn: George, what are you doing man? You're sweating like a fountain!

George: Well you know how I really don't like being around a lot of people, ...

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The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.

Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in ...

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Smart diagnosis machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample ...

Dave joins the navy...

Dave joins the navy.

On his first day of service, he sets off in a submarine which regularly patrols some islands which his country owns. His jobs is to clean the men's toilets.

Halfway through his second day, Dave's commanding officer tells him he's getting a new, higher paying job:...

A seventh grader asked his English teacher a question in class

"Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H .......in Hour, Honour. .....etc. She replied, "We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent."

During lunch break that day, the teacher gave the student her packed lunch and asked him to heat it in the Cafeteria. He ate a...

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Peter wakes up one morning

"I don't wanna go to the school!"

"Give me one good reason why you should stay home!"

"I can give you three: I don't like the school cafeteria's food, I don't like the teachers and I don't like the students"

"Well, Peter, I've already packed your lunch. You're 54 years old and t...

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Anal sex is a lot like broccoli.

If you don't like it at home, you're really gonna hate it in the school cafeteria.

Giving blood

While eating at a hospital cafeteria a guy noticed a women with a cotton ball and bandage on her arm causing him to asked, did you just give blood? Why yes she said, and I got twenty five dollars for it too. You should try it. No thanks he said, I just came from the sperm bank and got three hundred ...

Donald Trump's Clock

It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around.

St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks.

"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"

"Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows ...

Jokes in Prison

A man gets convicted of a crime and is sent to jail. When he gets to the cafeteria, something weird is happening. He hears random numbers being shouted out, followed by uproarious laughter, so he asks the guy next to him what's going on. Fellow says, "Well, you see, we've all been in here for so lon...

Dr. Amrak, superintendent of the Tidder School District, was nervous about the upcoming budget meeting.

All of the schools in the district needed new benches and tables in their cafeterias. Unfortunately, the Tidder Comets were in a difficult financial situation, and all of the estimates for the cafeteria furniture were way too expensive. One day before the big meeting, Dr. Amrak told his secretary,...

Prison Joker

Young guy gets sentenced to 15 years in prison and is assigned to a cell with a lifer. The old man explains the rules, including the no-talking policy in the cafeteria.
At dinner that night, one of the inmates stands up and yells out, "28!" All the other inmates laugh loudly and then resume eatin...

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A man gets on the bus to go home from college

A man gets on the bus to go home from college and as the journey begins his stomach starts to grumble. They get out into the country and he gets the urge. He runs up to the driver and tells him how sorry he is but he must've had some bad cafeteria food and he needs to poop immediately. The bus drive...

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The newspaper

So, I and my friend were in the cafeteria at lunch time, when...

Me: hey - pass me over that paper, will you, please?

My friend: What? Paper? Bah, you country duffer - here, use my iPhone 4S. It's the latest meanest and baddest piece of technology in your hands, and it's got 3G man - b...

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals

to increase their diversity...
... "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would no...

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It's a convicts first day in prison

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian fo...

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"Would you like your meal to go?" "Shut the fuck up"

I love working in the prison cafeteria.

A man moved into a retirement home...

An elderly man decided it was time to move on. He packed his stuff and moved into a retirement home.

On his first day there, as he was unpacking his stuff into his room, he could help but notice that the woman in the room across the hall was staring at him. He thought it was odd but decided ...

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The doctor joke (Long)

Two doctors are eating lunch in the cafeteria of the hospital they work at and one turns to the other and says “ my elbow hurts”.
The other doctor says “you should go to Wal-Mart”.
The first doctors says “...what!?”.
The second says “they have this new machine in the pharmacy, give $10 and ...

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A man goes to prison...

He's pretty nervous, having never been behind bars before.

He turns to his cellmate and says, "I've never been to prison before, I'm not sure I'm going to make it!"

The cellmate, eager to comfort the new inmate, "Aw, prison ain't so bad! I think you'll grow to enjoy it after awhile."...

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette..

are having their usual lunch of PB&J sandwiches in their high school cafeteria one day, when the blonde speaks up "I can't stand it, every day for the last year our mothers only make PB&J and I'm sick of it!"
The other two girls agree they are tired of the same lunch, so the blonde comes ...

When I was a kid I used to find sweet notes in my lunch at school

But that stopped after they fired the cafeteria worker

Reasons to allow drinking at work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what managem...

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A captain is sent to a new company....

A sergeant shows him around. He points to the firing range and says, " This is where the men practice their shooting. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". The captain nods, then the sergeant points to the cafeteria and says, " This is where the men eat. It's also a great way to get rid of s...

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A Russian professor...

...is starting his term at an American university. He is assigned to teach an introductory calculus sequence for freshman.

"What topics should I cover?", he asks a few colleagues.

"Oh, simple stuff" they say; "start off with some facts about the real numbers, move into limits and dif...

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A young man was sent to prison,

Upon his arrival an older man welcomed him to make sure he was comfortable.
The older man asked "Do you like baseball?" the young man replied "of course, I loved playing it as a kid" the older man said "we'll that's great we play baseball all day Monday".
The older man asked "Do you like mo...

While were at it, this is the joke I made up when I was 9

A football team is eating in the cafeteria and they're all waiting in line. Sean plays safety on the football team, and all of the sudden, he starts to cut the line!

Everybody is upset: "Why do you get to go ahead?" They asked.

Sean replied: "Safety First!"



Corny I kno...

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