At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

How did the apostles prepare for the Last Supper?

Peter set the table. Paul cooked the food. Jesus swept.

What did Jesus say to his disciples while having the last supper?

Get on this side of the table if you want your picture taken.

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."

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One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.

One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper. The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked, "Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?" To this Little Jimmy replied, "I want some of them fuckin' peas." In a flash, dad slapped the shit out Little Ji...

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Christmas Supper

**Might of heard this one before**

A boy and his family prepare for a Christmas supper with his grandparents and a few of their friends.

The boy walks over to the kitchen and sees his mother carving the turkey.

She slices her finger open and yells "fuck".

The boy looks ...

"What time are we getting together for the last supper, Jesus?"

"Oh, hey, Judas. Come over about thr...wait, *last* supper?"

"Yeah, no, like, supper. When's supper?"

Judas- Hey Jesus, see you at the last supper!

Jesus- What?

Judas- Supper. See you at supper.

Jesus, waving around a baguette at The Last Supper

"You wanna piece of me!?"

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Jealous wife gets call from husband late for supper

He said, "Baby, I know I'm late, but I had a terrible accident at work. My friend Brenda brought me to the hospital. I lost one arm and I have three hundred staples in my head. I probably won't live through the night. If I do, they'll have to amputate both legs and I'll need around-the-clock care fo...

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An old jew visits the pope

The pope was sitting in his office one day when his secretary came running in.

“Your Holiness, there’s an old jew who’s been sitting outside your door every day for the last few weeks. He said he wants an audience.”

The pope was surprised by this statement, but seeing as the jew had w...

The last supper

Jesus goes for supper with his 12 disciples and asks the inn keeper, "Would like a table for 26, please."
The confused inn keeper replies "But I see only 13 of you here. Are we expecting more?"
Jesus replies "No. We are all going to sit on the same side of the table."

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

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A nun was out fishing and caught a huge fish for supper...

A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".

So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish...

An old fisherman and his wife ate fish every day...

An old fisherman and his wife lived in a remote outport and they ate fish every day. One day, the fisherman said, "Dear, I'm sick of fish. A big grocery store opened in the town that's 40 miles away, I'm going there to buy something different for dinner."

So the fisherman goes to the grocery ...

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You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

Jesus at the last supper

Jesus speaks to his apostles during the last supper and says, "One of you will betray me."

John turns to Jesus with fear in his eyes and asks, "Will it be me? Will I betray you lord?" Jesus smiles kindly at John and says, "No my brother, you will not betray me".

Peter next approaches J...

Judas: C´mon Jesus we´re gonna be late for last supper

Jesus: The what??
Judas: The supper.. we´re gonna be late for supper.

Family supper.

You and your wife Cass go to her family’s supper.

Michael: Maybe if you stopped at second helpings it be easier for you to lose weight.

Courtney: Maybe if you were nicer you wouldn’t have a 2nd divorce coming.

As the argument gets more intense your wife leans over and says “don...

Why can’t Jedi children use their powers at the supper table?

Jedi parents don’t believe their children should be force-fed.

The LAST Last Supper

On the eve of his crucifixion, Christ gathered his disciples for a final meal.

As he broke bread, Christ turned to the table and said, "On this night, one of you shall betray me."

There is a panicked murmur among the disciples.

Finally Peter steps forward. "Is it I, Lord? Am I ...

Lets hear it johnny

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

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Jesus is at the last supper with his disciples,

And at the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,

"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,

"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Pete...

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Jesus arrives at the last supper...

...he walks in and sees a mad party - alcohol, hookers, tables bending under the weight of the food and music thumping. He asks Peter: "what the fuck, Pete?! This was supposed to be a humble going-away dinner; where did you get the cash for all this?!" Peter replies: "I don't know; Judas sold someth...

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Sex after death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion .... ...

One evening, an Army Major Arrived at a Base

Feeling hungry, he went to the Officers' Club for supper. He sat at the bar and asked the waiter.

"What's good here, Soldier?"

The waiter snapped to attention, "Discipline, Sir!"

(This is supposedly a true story.)

I think i just wrote a joke out of my pathetic love life while fixing supper and here it goes. What does a bachelor eat the most?

Balonely sandwiches.

Jesus is preparing for the Last Supper...

Jesus: Judas, I need you to go to each and every one of my disciples and tell them to meet me here for supper. Also, stop by the market and get some fish, vegetables, and a dessert. When you've come back and are done cooking, set up the table and our best plates.

Later that evening, while ev...

Guy takes a hooker out for supper.

He giver her his peas, she gives him herpes.

Jesus is setting up for supper and he calls Judas

over to help. "Judas, please set the table. " Judas complies and sets the table. "Judas, put the food on the table." Judas places the food on the table. "Judas, please call everyone to the table. " Again, he does as he is told and gathers everyone.

As they are enjoying the feast Jesus plann...

What would be the title of the TV series covering 'The Last Supper'?

Breaking Bread.

Chicken for Supper

So this kid gets home around 6 and his dad asks "where were you?" The kid replies "at my girlfriends studying." The dad says "ok come sit down supper is ready." After a few minutes the kid says "This is great fish dad." The dad replies "Go wash your hands, it's chicken."

The apostles are at the last supper...

Jesus is eating like a slob and spilling wine everywhere and Judas says to him "Were you born in a barn?"

The Last Supper

The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.”

In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever...

A couple of cannibals are rooting through the freezer looking for something for supper

One says to the other, "how about the rest of that Jewish guy from last week?"

The other cannibal replies, "I can't, my doctor told me cut down on Hasidic food."

I can't help but think that The Last Supper must have been a bit tense...

...with Jesus relating the bread to his broken skin and the wine to his own blood.

I bet no one touched the meatballs.

I'm painting a still life version of The Last Supper with all the apostles as vegetables

Judas is carrot.

Should have seen it coming Jesus!

Judas: still on for Friday?

Jesus: Friday?

Judas: yeah, the last supper

Jesus: the what?

Judas: supper, normal supper with the fellas

Old Women Bragging About Their Sons

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much a...

Jesus sits down at the Last Supper with his disciples.

He rises and addresses them: "I'm the son of God."
"No way!" they say.
"Yahweh."

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An elderly woman passes, leaving her life-long husband a lonely widower.

As time goes on, his life begins to unravel as he spirals into a pit of despair. This does not go unnoticed by his adult children, who grasp at any opportunity to cheer him up. Finally, one of them convinces him to grudgingly attend an evening game at the local bingo hall, knowing that he'll be in t...

Why is there no cheese in the menu for the Last Supper?

Because Jesus took the wheel.

I tried singing for my supper today.

Looks like I'm having rotten tomato soup tonight.

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love.

When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Fi...

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A Tiger is getting married to the Tigress and the whole Jungle is invited. except the Monkey:



A Tiger is getting married to the Tigress and the whole Jungle is invited. except the Monkey.

After the ceremony, everyone returns to their own place and the newly wed couple are returning to theirs.

While on their way, the Monkey suddenly appears and shouts:

"Hey you ...

Two native Cubans are going for a stroll through the forest.

The first guy mentions that he didn’t finish his hunting quota in time for supper, and explains that if he doesn’t find something suitable soon, his wife is going to be very cross with him.

The second guy, recognizing his friend’s plight, offers to assist the first in his hunt but asks a favo...

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Jesus and his disciples are sat around the Last Supper table...

Jesus and his disciples are sat around the Last Supper table. They're all talking and debating when suddenly Jesus stands up from the table.

A hush falls across the room.

Jesus looks around, picks up a goblet of wine and says, ''This is my blood, take it and drink it''.

So he pa...

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A man and a priest go fishing

A man and a priest are out fishing on a boat when the man hooks a large fish. After fighting this fish for several minutes, he pulls it into the boat and joyously exclaims, "Look at that son-of-a-bitch!!!"

The priest replies, "My goodness, what language."

The man thinks quickly, "Ha ha...

My obese Ex-wife, Ally, worked in a Californian grenade factory. She got struck by a grenade during her lunch break while covered in sticky urine.

Supper Cali frag a lick stick ex pee Ally dough sus

A Monk visits a Monastery

After years of training to be a monk, John left his monastery to travel the world and visit other places of worship. One day, he ended up at a monastery high up in the Himalayas. After exchanging pleasantries with his fellow monk brethren, they all gathered for their evening prayer followed by suppe...

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

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Jesus after the Last Supper goes through the bills.

"Guys, seriously, what the fuck, who ordered wine?"

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

What did the veggies say, as they sat down for supper?

"Lettuce, pray."

Jesus at the last supper

Jesus sits at the Last Supper, beginning to serve his guests.

First, he hands a basket of bread to go around, "These represent my body, and the pain I shall endure for my people."

Next, he begins pouring everyone wine, "This represents my blood, and how I am part of everyone."
...

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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Takes place during the Great Depression.

A man and his wife were barely scraping by on their combined salaries, but they weren’t making enough to make ends meet. One night, they lay in bed hungry after skipping supper. Now the woman had an idea, but she didn’t think her husband would approve of it. She turned to the man and said,
“Why ...

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Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing...

He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.'

'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest.

Father Conor sits down and casts his line. Aft...

Little Timmy and the Outhouse

There was a child on a farm named Timmy. Now Timmy loved growing up on the farm with his family. He enjoyed helping out in the fields, he loved feeding the sheep and cows, and he was always happy to help out in the barn. The one thing Timmy did not like, was having to clean out the outhouse. He abso...

Winner winner chicken dinner

"Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."

"There's a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until yo...

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A 23 year old girl offered me sex . In exchange , I was supposed to advertise for some kind of bathroom cleaner.

But I declined. Because I am a person with high moral standards and a strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax , the supper strong bathroom cleaner. More available with scented lemon or vanilla.

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At the gates of the Vatican, there stood a jew demanding to meet with the pope.

The cardinals on gate duty knew him to be the head of an ancient Jewish family, that had tried to meet with The Pope for generations.

As they were shooing him away, The Pope walked by and heard the commotion.

"what is going on?" he asked.

"Your Grace, it is simply a jew who wish...

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I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

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My parents taught me well

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't stra...

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The pope decides to remove all of the jews from italy.

The jews, obviously, disagree with this; so the pope agrees to have a debate with a rabbi for if the jews should stay in italy or not. The jews vote and decide on an old, wise rabbi.

The time for the debate comes, and it dawns on them that they can't understand each other, so they decide to ...

When I was a kid we were so poor we had to eat sitting on the floor.

Every supper, mom would cook up another batch of filet mignons and we’d sit around on the floor eating them like a picnic.

One day dad came home and said he’d taken a gamble and bought us a table. Ever since then, the steaks have been raised.

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

Karl had the worst headache ever.

After he slowly opened his eyes, one at a time, he found that his wife had already left the bedroom. He was lying on the floor for some reason and had a raging headache and a big bump on his forehead. That probably meant he was getting screamed at, when he got downstairs.

He tried to go to th...

Husband & Wife Diary Entries

Wife's Diary

Bob has been acting so weird lately. Yesterday, we had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for supper. I’d been shopping with Jenny all day, so I thought he was upset because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it.

Conversation over supper wasn't flowin...

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Two alter boys are fishing...

Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big sum bitch!" The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter boy" to which ...

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A little boy is playing with his toy trains...

...in the living room while his mom is doing chores around the house. While cleaning, the mom overhears her son talking to his toy trains.


"Alright, you sons of bitches, we've arrived at your stop. Get your shit and get off my damn train!"


Astonished at what she'd just heard, ...

An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing din...

Every time a new Pope is elected...

...there are a lot of rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velv...

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Little Johnny and the neighbor

Little Johnny is in his room when his mother enters.

"Johnny," she said, "Tonight we're going to the neighbor's house for dinner. They've just had a baby and we're going to have dinner and then see the newborn."

"Okay, mommy," Little Johnny replied.

"Now listen," said his mother...

An old joke from about 100 years ago that's actually somewhat amusing

A Milwaukee man and his wife recently received a call from an old friend whom they had not seen for years. Just before the three sat down to a little supper in the German style, the wife, seizing a favorable opportunity, whispered to her husband:

"We have only three bottles of beer in the hou...

Will you marry me...

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the mea...

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When the fly drops 4 inches

Picture a mountain stream and there is bear that is trying to catch a fish and there is a fly that is buzzing over the stream.

The fish inside the stream is looking up at the fly, and is thinking if this fly would just drop 4 inches then I could jump out of the water and have a snack.
...

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There was a farmer who had two sons.

His wife died as soon as she gave birth to the second son. Because of this, the farmer always blamed his second son for his mother's death. But he did not fail in his responsibilities as a father. The farmer was poor but he worked really hard to get his two sons in grad school. They didn't do well e...

A woman had 20 children

A woman had 20 children. 10 girls 10 boys, all of their names were leroy. Boys spelt Leroy girls spelt Leroigh. She met a man one day and told him how many children she had and what their names were. " why did you name all of your children Leroy/Leroigh?" The man asked. "It's easy to call them all t...

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.



Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.




Two days l...

Honey," said this husband to his wife,

"I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that." replied the nonchalant husband.

"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?!?"...

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

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Clem goes hunting.

Clem decided to take his annual hunting trip up near the Great Smokey Mountains around the borders of North Carolina, Tennessee and Georgia. He had been out most of the day small game hunting when he came across a Game Warden.

The Game Warden walks up to Clem, points to his game bag and says...

Prophetic Dreams

As a boy i had dreams that told the future.

One night when i was young, a crow came to me in a dream.

"Your aunt is going to die!" It cawed.
I woke up immediately and ran to tell my parents.
They told me
"Go back to bed its only a dream."

Then that morning they got a...

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King of Jews

Jesus wasn't known as the king of Jews until the last supper when he decided not to tip.

Rose . . .

Two elderly men are talking while their wives prepare supper.

The first man says "we went to this really amazing restaurant the other day, you have to try it."

The second replies "we would love to, what is it called? "

After a long pause the first man, clearly confused, asks "w...

A man's car breaks down outside a monastery..

..he knocks on the door, and seeing how it's getting late, asks if he can stay for supper. "I've been fishing all day, I've got plenty of fish to share for dinner". The monks let him in, and he has a fantastic supper on fish and chips. He's so impressed, he says "I'm going into the kitchen to find t...

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Lie Detector

A father buys a Lie Detector Robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it on his son at supper.
"Where were you last night?" the father asks.
"I was at the library." Robot slaps the son.
"OK I was at a friend's house."
"Doing what?" asked the father.
"Watching a movie, ...

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A theologician went to an isolated tribe...

The isolated Tiktik tribe living in the middle of the Borneo jungle had recently come into contact with the outside world. A theologician from a Christian university was sent to the Tiktiks to spread the word of the Bible. The Tiktik chief had quickly learned the English language after first contact...

A spy is captured by terrorists in a hostile country. [Long]

The terrorists lock him in a windowless room with a chair, a table, and five items on the table. The terrorist comes in and says that each day, the man may pick one of the items to be removed. On the last day, the terrorists will kill him with the remaining item. The spy looks at the table to see a ...

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A Jewish cook went to the Vatican and insisted on seeing the Pope.

After a long wait the Pope granted him an audience and asked the cook what could he do for him.

The Jew said that he was a cook, before him his father was a cook, his grandfather was a cook, his great grandfather was a cook, and that he comes from a family of cooks that goes back to over 2000...

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